Too early for this s***

Foolishly believed that i could write this without the aid of caffeine. It’s just not happenning. I’m not a morning person. I’m usually strolling in like the floozey that i am at 7am. (Note: i’m not a messy drunk. I do always look sober.) Yet today i rose early, put on my robe, sat on my throne and watched my dancing boys wiggle to Shakira, only to realize that i had nothing to do until 5.30pm. How dare i waste 7am on ‘waking up.’ That’s precious sex dream time! (Yes i’m a slut, you don’t need to message me it. I realize the error of my ways! Please save me! I’m trying to find my virginity…honest. I think I left it wrapped around some boys ‘cocka doodle?’ He won’t send it me back.)

I just got off the phone to ‘LatinLover’ who decided he was going to call me from LA and be a stoner. I Hate stoners and simply because they ramble on about fuck all and forget their story half way through. Anyway, ‘Latin lover’ is a big sexy god of a latino, who when stoned oddly thinks he’s a little Bunny rabbit. He even makes me call him ‘Bunny.’ I just hung up. I can’t be bothered with him. He probably thinks he’s still talking to Me. I miss LA. I don’t smoke pot, but i have and its awful. The first time i ended up surrounded by gays in a mansion in LA, who were projecting pornography into the sky so their neighbours knew to come round and get an anal rousting. The next time i was convinced i was a stripper and doing this overly slow sexual dance thing into a patio mirror for hours and the last time was under a full moon, with a buddha, a clock that always said it was New years eve, red fairy lights, being forced to watch an outdoor movie under the stars and puking up red wine in a former brothel. Classy! This is what Hollywood did to me. (I love it because it’s such an easy town to push the blame upon. Lol)

Had to send my friend Champagne last night. You know when you’re waiting in a hotel room, all dolled up, filled to the brim with a giddy excitement, waiting for a boy or girl for hours who never actually shows up. I’ve been there twice recently and it’s awful. You just feel so empty. Well that happened to her last night, and she called me crying. So I phoned the hotel and room serviced her some ‘booze’ (my answer to everything) which she drank all by herself, puked out and slept in. (Done that too.) I’ve just recieved a text message reading I never knew how much i loved you.’ I guess she’s a dyke now. I sent her a message that read ‘Sling it, you lesbo!’

Finally before i go (and i know it’s been long today) I’ve been inundated with ‘Boyband Jonny’ messages after our little apparent abusive ‘fall-out’ on Twitter; Firstly i LOVED those of you who HATED on him, as he is getting a bit too big for his boots & i simply find it hilarious. And Secondly (and quite unfortunately) we were only joking. I was on to the phone to him as i wrote them and to be honest we were just playing one of our sicko ‘love games’ where we get off on abusing each other publicly. My favourite recieved message about the whole ‘thang’ was ‘What’s a jonny??’ Hahahah. EXACTLY!!!! (One to The Wunna!) I love you babe!

3 thoughts on “Too early for this s***”

  1. i hate the word pot it is so american tweed maralakeish green wakey bakey they are better being stoned aint bad at least u are chilled and plasid. i bet u miss la i well miss vegas and i have never lived there i wouldnt mind going la one daythere richards are hot and the accent knocks em bandi

  2. nah i aint i do have a joint every know and then but i dont do it all the time i am moore of a boozer chrissie but i do dabble in a bit of green know and then babe more of a dabbler than a stoner


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