Garden my Centre

Just got back from a random visit to the garden centre. I was so sick of staring at a screen, and spell checking, and doing a ‘zone out,’ as i scrolled down paragraphs and paragraphs of sentences, at the speed of light. It kind of makes you feel all ‘pukey dukey,’ like when you look up at the clouds, and spin as fast as you can. You just end up in a McDizzy heap. (Wait a second, i have people around me screaming and being a basic nuisance…)

Anyhow, garden centres are rubbish, unless you have a certain gardening project or something??? I only like the ones that have pets in, other temporarily amusing things, or Christmas decorations. This one had caution tape everywhere, and ‘wet floor’ signs. It was littered with happy old people, and had The Carpenters playing in the background. I love old people, they sing along to all the songs out loud, like they’ve really lived!! Brings a smile to my face.

I was accompanied by the folks that made ‘whoopee’ to create me. Yes, my darling parents!! They’re so cute, yet unfortunately wanted to point out things that ‘Chrissie’ would want or be good at…in a garden centre. It’s interesting to see what you’re own parents think of you, and you can tell a great deal, by the items they picked. I am not a happy camper!

Firstly, my Mother sees a zebra print plastic mop and has the guts to say, ‘OOh, Chrissie would look good with that, wouldn’t she!!’ Good with a bloody MOP???? I retaliated by stating, ‘that is probably the worst and the last thing someone could ever get me!!!’ A MOP???? Off with your heads!! If someone ever got me a mop, zebra print or not, i would repeatedly poke their pretty face with it, until bleeding occurred!! (Good times! All smiles! Anger management, please!) I did have a boy i once dated, stick a suction mop on my head, in a grocery store. It sucked my head in….we are no more!!

Secondly, they stumble across a pedestal. It was all sturdy and bronze, and looked like something you’d put a Statue of David on, or maybe just a leafy plant?? My Mum says, ‘OOh Chrissie, would love one of those!! She could stand on it.’ STAND ON IT????? OOoookay?? (Say no to ‘Happy pills.’) Then she followed up with an even greater find, ‘When you’re super rich and famous you can buy hundreds of those to help you with the gardening!!’ It was a foam and plastic tomato, that you take with you into the garden, and kneel on, when you want to plant flowers. So a giant tomato KNEE PAD is apparently something i would ‘enjoy.’ Garden centres are hilarious!! I don’t know what witty remark i came up with, it contained a few obscenities, so i’ll save your ears from the pain!! Only housewives and Alan Titchmarsh garden. Everyone else just hires a hot boy named ‘Robin,’ to plant roots in their dirt. Well we do!!

The last thing on the rubbishest list in all the land, of things Chrissie would like from the Garden centre, was a GIANT sized teapot, and teacup. I did actually think that they we’re GREATNESS. The teacup was as big as my head, and would be great for making GIANT sized cups of TEA. Plus, you could also get wasted, buy four teacups, find four friends, and all sit in them whilst pretending you’re at Disneyland. They had the polka dots on them and everything. It would be such a waste to shove plants in them!

The only thing i did like (in the whole entire place) was an luminous pink fish. It was really fat, and looked a bit dumb. It was Giant sized, had pouty lips and a faux hawk. It really did look at me, like it had just smacked into a lamppost. On a Valentines day, many moons ago i bought ny ex-husband one. He named it Joe, gave it an accent and everything…the next day it died. Oh the joys of Love!!

3 thoughts on “Garden my Centre”

  1. you are a proper funny fucker chrissie. it amazies me how u can actully make gonig ot a garden center sound half fun babe . they are shit places aint they when im old enough to have a big garden im gonna get 2 full sized goals and have a footie pitch even if i have girls. saves planting poncy flowers all u got ot do is cut the grass lovely jubbly


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