Tiki Bars, Exes, Massage Chairs & Anal Thumping…

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling

I keep having this recurring dream, where i’m in a Tiki bar (lol..ofcourse,) with the same faces, that I don’t know in REAL life, but know like best friends in ‘dream land.’ (Hahah. Don’t ask!) In this Tiki Bar, there are really exotically, lavish looking cocktails. The one I always see in my dream, is the one that comes in a ceramic,sort of zombie, hula dancer’talldrinky cup…and it ‘moonwalks‘ backwards, around the rim of peoples wooden Tiki tables, as they *wink* at strangers and I watch on.

That’s all normal.

(In my world.)

But last night, I dreamt that Mike, my first husband was there (in this Tiki Bar..He’d hate that) and we were falling back in love, but sexily. (I don’t love him, don’t worry. My dream just wanted me to.) We kept feeling it each other up lovingly and cuddling all the time? It was almost as if he was the ‘key’ to all my life happiness.

Then we went back to a dark hotel and had ‘dream land’ sex. But it felt like we were in New York, high in the sky. I remember looking out of a window that looked over the city. 

I got zapped out of that! I *blinked* and everything had disappeared. 

Then…

…all of a sudden ‘Boyband Jonny,’ who I used to date years ago, straight after the Hilton Show, *popped* up in my dream. He’s Gay now. In fact, he was Gay, all along. He just didn’t realize it, at the time, when he dated me. He mixed up fancying me, for simply finding me fabulous. I’m probably the only girl, he’s ever had ‘half sex’ with. He said, I broke his heart. I didn’t though. I was simply ‘key’ to him discovering himself.

I like Jonny, he’s cool. He was actually a great boyfriend. He wrote me a love letter, when I left in a taxi. I am extremely happy, that HE is happy now, he’s found himself and utter true love. 

I don’t mind an unfortunate bit of ‘heart break,’ if it’s helpful. 

HOWEVER…

I do hate it when my exes hijack my dreams!!! Especially,when i’m at a Tiki Bar, (do they not have dream land’ manners.) A Tiki bar, by the way, is my favourite kind of bar in the whole wide world. (If i could own one, I would. Yet, not for profit, just for kicks.)

I want to be able to have my heart broken, storm into my Tiki, BE pissed off, put on my hula skirt, and sip rum out of a flaming fired coconut, with a cocktail umbrella in my hair, as I  pull faces and cry.

I’d have to own it, simply because I wouldn’t want to get my ‘sorry, hula, ass’ up and pay my tab , whilst crying. I’d need Tiki minions for that.

It’d make ‘hearkbreak’ much easier.

I just can’t get away from being haunted by my exes. Why??

STUPID CUPID, you’re A REAL MEAN, guy.

I’m even getting tattoos shortly, to both celebrate and at the same time REMIND ME of things that happened to me this year…

AGAIN, I’ve had a big year of change and I need to remember it. I want to remember it. So I’m going to Tattoo it.

Ofcourse…Lol

(I haven’t had a tattoo in a million years.)

I was telling Ruby, in bed, last night…and even SHE *paused,* laughed and said..

‘Oh my GOD! Don’t get THAT ONE!!!’

She’s SEVEN! Hahaha. She looked at me like I was ‘whacked.’

Hurrah! Flaming Coconut Drinks for everyone!

Yesterday, I was doing bits of Christmas shopping, at The Frenchgate Centre, in Doncaster, and I decided to go on the ‘Put £1 in it’ massage chairs.

I love a massage.

I love a moment, where you can just hit *pause* and relax for a second, during the bustle. That’s why I used to love Prosecco Pit Stop. (Which no longer exists.)

Woe is me….

BUT, OH MY GOODNESS!

I haven’t actually been on a massage chair in YEARS. Let me tell you. They HAVE IMPROVED!!

I’m sat there, slightly awkward, slightly in public, slightly okay with it though. I’m used to winging an awkward situation and making it look glam. (Hilton taught me well.)

The money goes in the slot and HOLY SHIT, that CHAIR, MADE LOVE TO ME.

It caressed and moaned and rubbed and loved. It oozed. It cared. It romanced and it danced.

THEN…OUT OF NOWHERE…

THE massage chair STARTS ******* BATTERING ME. It starts PUNCHING MY BACK with glee. Then BASHING MY HEAD, FROM SIDE TO SIDE. (Haha.) It starts SQUEEZING THE LIFE, out of my little Asian ribs …and WORST OF ALLEMBEDDED IN THE CHAIR, MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANAL THUMPER…

HAHAHA…

SOMETHING KEPT RISING UP, IN THE CHAIR AND THUMPING ME UP THE BUM, BUM….

..REPEATEDLY!!!!!

HAHAHA.

I couldn’t make it stop and I kept having to pretend, everything was lovely, because I was in public and my daughter was stood next to me. LOL

Do I just have this affect on everything!?! Nothing can just LOVE ME FOREVER, without aggressively Anal thumping me? It started so ‘steadily.’ It loved me. IT DID!!! Then just went MAD and started being hateful or horny????

THEN, when the abused had finished, the chair went on to *SQUEEZE* by legs to death (and my legs are pathetic like Bambi…But luckily, it all suddenly *stopped.*

BUT my legs had got TRAPPED!!! (Hahaha)

WHAT THE ******* IS MY LIFE!!!

I thought the deal was that I only had to ‘suffer’ through the LOVE part of my existence…NOT the ACTUAL other bits of actual LIFE TOO!

ANAL THUMPING!

I put FIFTY SHADES TO SHAME.

Who needs, a RED ROOM? In fact, who needs a fucking husband!?!

I want another go!!!

Ruby was there trying to free my legs, but laughing so hard, she was in tears. MY MUM KNEW, bad stuff was going to happen to me, so instead of protecting me, she decided to FILM the horror.

I’m sure she’s secretly like, ‘I paid shit loads of money to put you through school, you WILL become a STAR, even if I have to FORCE IT, film it and get the insta likes FOR YOU!!’

Then I get home, needing 72 wines, a bit of calm and a spot of telly and all that’s on is a ‘Come Dine With Me’ episode with a Farmer, who has made everyone horny with BEETROOT, by fireworks and an ex body building Geordie, in a purple towel, who’s baked a pie?

I LOVE ‘COME DINE WITH ME.’ (I once got asked to go on the show, but didn’t go on it, because I didn’t want to cook for everyone…which obviously is the whole point. Haha.)

I don’t even cook for my own children, let alone strangers. (Ruby at 7, could probably be a fine dining, food critic, she’s eaten out THAT much.)

Bottom line, I was passing time before ‘X Factor,’ followed by a dose of ‘I’m a Celeb.’

After the massage chair, I wasn’t in the mood for watching pies being made…I either needed a documentary on GOD, TO heal my broken soul, like a prayer. OR just go the other way and find something on the lines of ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’

This time next week, I’m on FIRST DATES!!! 

I’M ON FIRST DATES, NEXT MONDAY!!!

I actually can’t wait to watch tonight’s episode. It’s almost like a starter, for my ‘next week’ main! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Smashed A Bit of London Pride.

I had so much fun in London! I smashed Pride. I only did one night, due to Mummy duties and Jenna’s ‘come around to mine for drinks’ night.

But Lord, nothing is better than meeting Theo,  your LA best friend, who you haven’t seen in 11 years and then accidentally realizing that it’s Gay Pride in London (He’s gay. Not straight. And so much fun. We’re really similar.) Anyway weirdly, as soon as I tottered through the ‘Double Tree’ hotel doors in the West end and rushed up to his suite, on the warmest day that I have ever experienced in London, he swung open the door AS I KNOCKED, and it was really really emotional. I didn’t even know what to say!!! I was in shock.

A rush dashed through me and I had to blow out, like I was in labour. But then…within  minutes, everything just went back to how it was 11 years ago….which was GREAT! It was easy! We picked up exactly where we left off….and that’s how you know you have a true friend. He missed me. I could tell by the way his eyes smiled.

Theo:’ OH MY GOOOOOOOOD! YOU LOOK AMAZING!

Me: ‘Gosh! I don’t even know what to say. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you’re here!

Image may contain: 3 people, people smiling, people standing and outdoor

I’d accessorized with a golden clutch and a handbag that had ‘overnight stuff’ shoved in it. (I always pack light, because I hate carrying shit.) Theo out accessorized me, as he had no golden clutch, yet instead brought ‘Jenny from Paris.‘ Yes, an entire American human from Paris. We chatted, we laughed and she napped as Theo and I tinkered to ‘Hercules Pillars‘ for pints and snacks in the sun…and then with a wink we were met by hot gay Daniel from Wimbledon’ in tight white shorts and from the point on, where in which life made us revolve out of those ‘Double Tree’ glass doors….the city was our oyster. AND WE LIVED IT!

It was a heated swirl of London party magic. It was Pride. It was Soho. It was alive. It was a glamourous blow out of testosterone, laughter, new fun with old friends and warm air in a new city. We stopped at ‘Balls & Company’ a cute little date spot where you can grab tapas like balls (all the food is ‘ball’ shaped’) and alfresco dine, in the middle of London as the busy streets and people bustle by you. We ordered every ball on the menu and enjoyed wine, banter and cocktails, as we told stories of our present, relived stories from our past and style watched as we shared our balls. Lol. (I actually just drank the whole way through.) The food was OKAY. It wasn’t superb. But it was a great bouji spot of ‘coolness.’ I mean God, even a homeless guy tottered up and asked to try a ‘ball.’ This was after we offered him a tasty gourmet potato wedge. He shunned it and said, ‘No, i just want that ball.’ I loved it! He then went to try to empty find prosecco bottles for dregs. If I was homeless…I’d be him…but with better hair. Then I forgot about it all and just had more wine whilst refusing to eat. (I don’t like eating when i’m on a drinking mission.)

Dan: ‘I love how well Chrissie just KNOWS her party process.’

Me: ‘Dan! I even know how your night ends. You’re going to stop drinking water, have a few wines and get super sassy…’

Dan: ‘I’m giving my body a break….’

Image may contain: 5 people, people smiling, people standing, night and outdoor

He ended up giving in and getting really drunk on gin and then letting hot men grind on him to hip hop tracks in Freedom bar, before ‘leaving early‘ for sex. Lol.

It was such a fun night and glamour and warm shimmies, in the evening air, under the stars, as the streets just filled itself up with ‘good time’ folk and characters.

It was great for us because we were such a good click. A great team of ‘night out.’ We’re all the least judgmental humans on the planet…all a bit hot…:) ….and all know how to just have a good time without being high maintenance. I honestly felt like I was on holiday. It was that great! It was magical…. Even though my feet killed on the fucking cobbles. They fucking killed. I couldn’t even walk and they ruined my world.

‘Paris Hilton gave me these shoes for getting naked on the telly….they KILL!

We went from bar to bar and drank ourselves silly with love. We danced, we chatted to strangers….we lived. One gay even did my hair outside Circa. My favourite thing is someone playing with my hair, so secretly it was BLISS. Touch my hair always. I love it. Especially when it comes with grooming advice.

Once we got to Freedom bar, I did notice that everything turned testosteroney. Gay dating is REALLY different to straight dating. It is men and heated hormones….It is CRAZY. At this point, all the gay men in London had ‘gone for it‘ and this was their hour to pull!

‘Jenny from Paris’ and I just danced and let them do their do. The odd straight boy would find us and come gyrate around us or try to hip hop tracks, whilst trying to feel our bums…but I couldn’t be arsed with it really. I just wanted enjoy my time with Theo and friends and this was the latest I had stayed out in AGES!

I am a cocktail bar and ‘chill it’ kinda girl. A good balance of both. I love fun. I love that flirty wild energy. I’m a lot of fun. But i’m a glamourous soul, aren’t I! After a certain hour, nothing is glamourous anymore…that’s when the real pissheads are out. And yes, that night…I was out. 🙂 We all got so drunk. And for the first time ever…I ordered water at a bar to sober up. Lol.

Early hours, we jump in an Uber. Everyone around us in London now seems to be wasted, hooking up or falling out with each other, around us at this point. I’m shattered by this point. I had an early start to my day with Mummy duties etc, so I fall asleep in the cab and shock myself up when we get to the hotel…and just like that, whilst Theo and Jen tried to banter free cookies out of concierges…I passed out in tiredness in a giant hotel bed. I’m too old for late nights. Lol. I need and LOVE my sleep. But I had so much fun!

AND WEIRDLY I HAD THE BEST NIGHT’S SLEEP EVER.

I slept like I had never slept before, so deeply and for hours straight without a wink or wiggle, for a whole EIGHT HOURS.

We all did.

The next morning Jenny from Paris woke up hungover, to the point where she was unsure as to whether she could participate with the rest of the day. I felt fine, but wished i had brought flat shoes. Theo was fine. We went to brunch and had wine for breakfast. He smashed a whole PIZZA in a cafe for BRUNCH Lol, i had humus and Jenny looked at her soup….then looked at it again before feeling sick because we had ordered wine.

Me: ‘You really should eat that. You will feel so much better in an hours time for doing so. I used to do it all the time in LA before work after nights out.’

Jenny: ‘I love how you just KNOW the party process…’

AGAIN! Another human who said the exact same thing. I should write books on it.

The sun was out. The sunglasses where on. Then due to Mummy duties and because Junior was distraught because his new pet caterpillars hadn’t arrived I had to sweep up my handbag and jump into an Uber to the Kings Cross station. I messaged my mum all the way, after saying my ‘good byes’ and then jumped on the 14.08 train from Platform 0 to Doncaster.

Got home, felt shattered, played with the babies who i’d missed so madly and whilst telling my mum stories of my evening. I can tell my mum anything, she’s great like that. Then as Ruby and Junior settled  and laid to sleep for the evening, now utterly content that Mama was home, I then tinkered over to see Jenna, Danielle and my old work friends, for casual night time drinks on the terrace, with a whole bunch of close beings, who i’ve known for years, again under the evening stars but this time on chilled Yorkshire soil.

It was again the most brilliant time, filled with laughter and memories. We’re like one big happy family, who can just sit and take the piss out of each other over cocktails.

Jenna was kinda proud that I made it. I’m a good friend. I’ll fit an entire work week in, and bloggers schedule, mummyhood and travel, even party the night away in the capital with the gays and STILL make it to your chilled drinks on the terrace.

To be fair, it got a bit rowdy. Lord knows who her neighbours are, but they are ‘da bomb.’ I mean GOD, imagine listening to us lot singing really badly… to every old school 90’s pop song, by every boyband imaginable, at the top of our voices, after midnight, like we were auditioning for the Xfactor. We loved it. We lived it. We went for it. People were being sick, taking naps, crying and sliding down stairs on their bellies.

I simply sang and danced to Blue and Backstreet boys.

Then I took my pretty ass home.

Again! I slept better than I ever had and weirdly today, i felt great. I think it’s because i had championed a really busy time, a stressy time, where in which I just needed a blow out. We all did. Everyone working alongside me, needed a blow out. I got that and it made me feel free. It made my weekend feel like a holiday, I mean I did so much…and as a result…it sort of made me a better human because I felt like a refreshed happier human.

Today was great! Everything’s been great! I’ve chatted to the girls and loved it. ‘Double B is back, and everythings back to normal. They all seem chipper, but probably because we all just did our own thing at the weekend and went for it. We drank loads and blew out ALL our stress balls. I definitely came back to work feeling better. It proves that you need balance. You can never be a successful human without a little bit of everything in your life. Even if you think you are…you’re not. Constant work stress killed me….I just needed a break…and once I got it…I felt free again on my return.

I really wish I had a foot rubber.

Who wants to be in charge of Wunna Land foot rubbing?

Right, I’m shattered now. I’m going to bed.

Hope you’ve started your week well. If not, you’ve got plenty of

time left to fix it. 😉

Love you!

Chrissie x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Celeb Crush Alert

58380_102591713139042_5134414_n

Last night, even though i was hungover, was great! And it was purely great because i managed to find a new Celeb Crush. As if!! That never happens! So my previous Celeb Crushes have been (and it’s a delightful list, so hold onto your ‘frilles’ ladies and gents) Ronaldo, Gino D’Campo, Pharrell Williams, Russell Brand (before he turned all political and was just inappropriately funny,) Bradley Cooper, Louis Theroux, Ricky Martin and I can’t remember the rest.

They make the Wunna Celeb Crush list (like they’re bothered lol) if i’m attracted to them, they’re hilarious, they’re accidentally sexy, intelligent and if they have some amazing talent that i am impressed by. And it’s the amazing talent thing that gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I love talented men, who have been a success at what they do because of their talent. If they’re funny…then that is to die for.

But oh my god, last night…I was sat in my Monster Onesie, watching a bit of telly and then BOOM, like ‘The Gods’ had wanted to delight Wunna land with talent, amazement and hottness…’Ball and Boe’ comes on…(I’d been watching Saara not win the Xfactor, and i knew that would happen, as i was figuring out the set up before it went to ‘announcing the winners.’)

Anyway, sat watching telly and if you didn’t know i’m a massive musical theatre fan. I love going to watch a show. I love to sing. I love to dance. I spent my whole youth in dancing schools and theatre schools and i loved it. Both my kids are really similar, so in our world we appreciate the art of entertainment and entertainers in any form. I find it beautiful when it’s in stage form.

I also find ALFIE BOE the hottest man ever. Oh my LORD! I mean, he was visually attractive anyway, but then as soon as he started to perform, sing, dance and do the funny bits…That was it….I was in love. 🙂 (Hahah, being a girl is ace.)

I sat and watched him perform all evening and it honestly from a ‘talent’ point of view, made entire night, as it was such a great show. Both ‘Ball and Boe’ have this wonderful talent, of delivering a ‘feel good’ factor when they perform. It lights your world up! It’s a good energy. It’s happy. I love it. It certainly made me want to go see their show live and stalk Alfie Boe on Twitter. 🙂 He is such an attractive man.

Then I found out that Gino D’Campo was actually going to BE at his new ‘Gino Restaurant’ in Leeds tomorrow night and my loins couldn’t take it anymore. Lol. I had to shut shop and hide under duvets.

But yes, my new Celeb Crush is definitely ‘Alfie Boe.’ What a fantastic discovery when hungover.

More to the point. I’m thirty six in 7 days!! As if!! And i’m single. As if!! I’m always either fully married or fully single and never inbetween. Lol. I’m going to chose to have a quiet yet glamorous one but I WILL be cocktailing. I currently have an inbox FULL of places that have invited me to go to their restaurant, bar or venue and i’m really excited by all that. I can’t fit it all in before Christmas, as i have the babies to cuddle, but i will! I love a good invite and i love experiencing new places to play!

I hope you’ve had an amazing day so far! I’m blogging from my bed in my pj’s with Ruby singing Frozen songs at me.

I need food…now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too Old To Party

ac32

I’m on ‘Chill Monday’ but what a weekend. I haven’t even recovered from it, (I spent half of yesterday evening in a blue monster onesie, with no face on, my hair tied up in a messy knot, my Mum at mine watching xfactor, whilst I laid in bed dying of exhaustion and roughness.I’d been up and out all day with the babies, doing brunch with Keiran and lunching with my parents. Definitely felt ROUGH AS HELL. It killed me. Before i had a Desperado and realized that the ‘hair of the dog’ really does work.) This certainly signifiies that even though i am the queen of cocktailing and ultimate glamour pussing, this kitten is OLD and it seems that the art of ‘party party’ is really really different to the art of good old ‘cocktailing.’ I can sit with a ‘Handsome’ and sip down fruity on fire, with umbrellas, smoked or sparkled beverages in the fanciest of cocktail bars, all over the world…It’s an art form. It’s all ‘old school’ Hollywood or modern day, young glamour. But Holy ‘Fry My Mackerels!’ I cannot for SHIT go out to a dancey drinks place, do ‘dancey all night’ and drinks all night’ until the early hours of the morning and feel okay afterward. One night. Three days recovery. AWFUL! It was still kinda fun though! 🙂 I mean whilst i was there i was having a blur of a blast! A really good time. I’m fun loving, it was our works do, we were all meeting and greeting, downing gins, dancing with friends, spinning under dark purple, white room club lights and finding prosecco and free cocktails with every peek. Chatted lots. Had tons of fun. Hung out with the people who i pretty much hang out with every day Lol. Danced! Loved! Lived. Tried to sit down but everyone kept making me get up. (I’m old, I need a sit down. Hahah.) Then all of sudden it was like these boys came in from nowhere and this semi circle of gents, had formed…all dancing, all drinking and all around and in front of me? I’m not sure what happened…but they were all giving me the eye. So i’d dance with one and the one next to hi would get narked off. So i’d dance with him and the one next to him would then get narked off. Hahaha. It was like a weird mind game, that 30 something, single glamour pusses, don’t play? It was a budget, club version of ‘The Bachelorette.’ Except instead of it taking weeks to film, it would’ve taken fifteen minutes, because i just walked off and started hanging out with ‘Fairytale blond’ and ‘Firmonnell.’ (Who’s Mum drove us to the event. 🙂 Her Mum was ace and said i looked like ‘Gladys Knight.’)

So the Christmas do was at Tiger Tiger Leeds. Not somewhere that I’d necessarily chose to go, yet for a works do, it was great and we had our own room. BUT OH MY GOD, my new PET PEEVE. IF YOU OWN A BAR, MANAGER A BAR, ARE IN CHARGE OF A BAR, please, please, please have toilet doors that firstly come with locks and secondly if they do come with locks, have locks THAT FUCKING WORK.

Nothing drove me more insane that the fact that i had to do two ‘sit down, stretchy arm’ wees at Tiger Tiger, in some fitted gold, glamourous dress, with everyone in the stalls next to me shouting,

‘Have you got Nat’s handbag??? Chrissie! Have you got Nat’s handbag??’

What i actually mean by a ‘sit down, stretchy arm’ wee is, a wee in a public loo, where in which you have to sit down on the toilet and stretch forward to hold the door closed, as you wee, filled with anxiety, incase someone walks in. NIGHTMARE. That doesn’t happen at The Dorchester. 😉

Great night! Lots of fun! Took ages to get home. It was the busiest town in the world. My feet killed. Yet as soon as i got in and stripped down naked and crashed into bed, with my full face on.

Then i woke up bright and early and did Brunch with Junior, Ruby and Keiran at Ackworth Garden Centre. It’s a thing we do now and the kids love it there at Christmas. They can sit and eat scrambled eggs, around the most Christmas ever lol, with Paw Patrol characters and others… dancing around them. Then Pete showed up and took the babies to see Peppa Pig, who had appeared to greet the Christmas masses, as Keiran and I sipped green tea and discussed life. The ‘Dads’ had good banter. I had bought both Ruby and Junior these ‘built a plane in a tin’ kits. Yet, told each child that they had to go make it with their fathers. 😉 (I don’t have the patience for stuff like that. HAHAHA.) The boys discussed, their plane building skills and pissed themselves laughing. Then i shot off to Doncaster to do lunch with my parents, as they did their Sunday with the babies.

I have today off work, so i’m trusting that i’ll be able to successfully champion ‘Chill Monday.’ I’m an ambitious, go getter. I can’t seem to just sit and chill and do nothing. And that’s wrong as you need balance. So today i’ve set myself a challenge of DOING NOTHING. I managed to ‘tick box’ it until about an hour ago. I just got bored. But it’s only because my body and more MIND isn’t used to it!

Even Ruby (who’s now off school) isn’t causing any drama. She’s just merrily playing by herself and filming her pretend Vlog.

I could do with a Bloody Mary.

 

Men, Past Puddles & Work

Hiya! How’s Sunday going! I’ve been busy!

I can’t even tell you the whole shabam, if i tried. But i’ve worked hard, i’ve travelled, i’ve smashed ‘Bingo’ for booze, i’ve slotted in working with some huge brands that have decided to ‘dolly’ along with Wunna land, as apparently my words and face are a ‘good fit.’ 🙂 (It’s funny because if i do anything i ‘perform.’ But right now, i write about life, MY life..and important folk will tipper tapper at my door with opportunity, asking me to write a bit of this and jiggle a bit of that….which i adore because I find it easy…THEN they realize that i’m apparently aesthetically pleasing and a  bit of a ‘wonder’ when a camera is placed infront of me…THEN then realise that i have this ‘whip’ of a personality…and before you know it, i’m all signed, sealed, delivered and with bows on! It’s great! Life is good. By this time next year, i will have rinsed it. Lol.)

Over the last week, i’ve been ill, yet i’ve been everywhere and done everything. But mainly worked my kitty glitter socks off. I’ve had great moments with good friends and been understanding with people that might need to me see the world from their point of view, for the time being…which i’m good at. I’ve drank a lot of Prosecco. But i earnt it. And i’ve found the simple pleasures, like being Mum and typing the word ‘BOOBIES’ out on a calculator uplifting. (The kids and i have been closer than ever recently and it makes me smile because even though they’re five and three, everyone will tell you that it’s like they are fifteen and thirteen. They know SO much for being kids and i’m really not joking. I went to Parent’s Evening the other night and Ruby’s teacher, who told me that she was excelling beyond her years, said that he just couldn’t fault her because she was that much of a delight and that to be honest speaking to Ruby was like speaking to ‘an adult.’ Lol.  I mean, last night  when she went out to dinner with her Dad, she said she couldn’t WAIT to just get home, so she could ‘let loose and chill out with Mum.’ That made my heart smile. Not really for any proper reason, but just because It kinda made me feel as though I was doing a good job and when you’re a single mum, you collect those moments with pride. I’m having a funny moment with ‘The Dads’ right now as Keiran thinks Pete is trying to windle his way back into Wunna land and Keiran…well Keiran if he could, he would windle also. I however, have jumped over four fences, run a marathon, leap frogged over souls, danced under the stars and scissor kicked in heels and poll vaulted so far forward from those times, that there’s not looking back. I’m not one to  rewind, it’s pointless. I’m a forward mover, as i know how much life has to offer. I hate it when people, stay stuck, treading water in the mucky puddles of the past. I’m happy to have them in my life as Baby Daddies and respect them both. Yet, they can ‘windle’ all they wish..it won’t work. 🙂 )

What else did i want to tell you? So much has happened!

I have new friends moving to Leeds. I’m doing Pontefract, Leeds and Manchester right now, as a juggle. A Psychic told me that i would marry again. And i’m in a mode of fun, where in which i feel like i’ve worked so hard and done quite well, that even though it’s only the beginning, i deserve to ‘fun’ the rest of the year out. If you don’t have balance you don’t have anything. Plus, it’s my birthday in a month.

I was also told by one of my guy friends who knows me pretty well that i’m too daunting for a man to want to date me? To the point where in which a guy will like me, but shit himself because he’ll think that i’m not a safe bet, as i’ll one day i’ll leave him or rocket off with some amazing future career and he wouldn’t be able to sustain me?

Eh?

Am I? I’m not! I may seem daunting to the gents who don’t actually know me in real life. The ones that follow a stream of selfies, Facebook news feeds, a Google search or a blog. Yet, in real life…when there’s just me in my skin and bones, and a smile, and i’m right in front of you…i don’t reckon i’m that daunting at all. In fact, i’m ace when it comes to love. You couldn’t have a better team mate, to do life with and i’m confident of that. I’m quite a loyal, calm, stable romantic, who’s dipped in a sense of adventure. I’m fun. I’m stable and loyal because i hate uncertainty. But i value love and like i said, i’m never really worried, as the right guy will know i’m his soulmate…because he’ll feel it and he’ll not be bothered about the ‘what ifs,’ the ‘buts’ or the fear. It won’t be in his nature and i know that. He’ll take the time to get to know me, until he feels all comfy, as at first it’s always weird…and once he’s comfy…he’ll know and he’ll go for it, with his best shoes on and his quiff as high as the sky. Lol.

‘There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand you without you even having to speak a word.’ 

Away from all that, i’ve put the Christmas tree up and whatever i’m not about hearing the ‘it’s too early’ bullshit. It’s never to early to embrace the merriment. It’s fucking Christmas. Get with it. If i want the tree up and to guzzle Bailey’s, I WILL and if anyone tells you that this time of mulled wine and Bailey’s is bad for you, cut them out, you don’t need that kinda negativity in your life. You need support and like minded fun others. Lol. Fyi, I’m going to look AMAZING during the Christmas season, as i have bought was astonishing sexerilla outfits for the art of cocktailing!

Ps/ I was watching Xfactor last night and i’m loving it. I don’t watch it all, but i only watch it for ‘Five After Midnight’ and ‘Honey G.’ I adore ‘Five After Midnight’ as like Schery says, when they perform it just does something to me and i get all giddy and delighted. 🙂 To me they’re amazing. So they’re my WINNERS. Fingers crossed. I could watch them for days. And ‘Honey G’…i just find her funny…so when there’s laughter, there’s always my support. So last night, after the boys performed i Tweeted my adoration for them and straight after they got off stage they retweeted it and my favourite one followed me. I loved it as for the first time, i felt like a proper fan. Hahaha. It made me feel really good! So from now on, when people send me adoration and Tweets, i’ve decided to show them some utter love back, rather than ignore them lol (i’m so polite) as it really does make you feel good.

 

 

 

 

Inflatable Willies, Twittiness & Gift Buying

58380_102591699805710_1638916_n

I don’t even know what’s happening to me but i’m evolving into the most awesome human ever, that I don’t think I can even handle it. *Waaahoo!* Haha!  I feel like ‘Captain Jack Sparrow.’ I came to this executive decision this after i dedicated part of my life to picking out potential ‘Secret Santa’ gifts! Now, I don’t even know if i’m having  ‘Secret Santa’ at work, which quite possibly means that i’m a lunatic. Yet, i’m going to go with ‘just giving.’

Anyway, Holy Shit! I’m amazing. I’ve picked out the best potential ‘Secret Santa’ gifts ever and i know i’ve done well because I feel extremely SORRY for anyone who has the unfortunate unlucky streak of having me pull their name out of a tub. I’ve gone with…

  

…and because i love how LONELY the man in the penis suit looks, like he has no friends and life is always awkward and well…the emoji ‘middle finger’ cushion…is just a luxury that every respectable human on the planet needs to have. I’d love to spoon it on lonely Wednesdays.

Now, away from the comedy gifts. I’m a generous chick. I love to buy gifts for others and always do. It makes me smile and if i actually know you well, i’m usually an alright gift giver.  If i don’t, i’ll still get you something ‘general/glammy/or thoughtful’..If i date you, it will usually be something that you’ve yearned for or something super expensive…You’ll only know that if your life path has smashed, danced, lived or casually winked into mine. But yeah, someone’s definitely going to get the ‘lonely’ penis suit. I love it.

Everyone seems to have gone shopping today. I’ve heard of ‘blazers’ being bought, ‘New Canada Goose Jackets’ being purchased and i received my THIGH HIGH ‘off orange’ rust boots from Just Fab today after i ate eggs. I love a it of ‘buying for Winter’ so i’m so impressed with peoples fashion choices.

I need to get myself to the new Victoria Leeds, and to the Bubble Tea store for ‘checking it outs.’ I’ve actually got a bunch of outings that i need to accomplish, a whole lot of events and along with normal favourite stuff like all the Christmas markets and ice skating in city centres under the night stars with friends.

Everything’s all exciting. I’m watching the Xfactor, whilst being sat next to a pumpkin, with a fire engine being run up and down my back. I don’t know why everyone didn’t like ‘Five After Midnight.’ I thought the were all upbeat, fun and ace. Lol. I like the light hearted entertainmenty stuff. The ballards are all very well sung, but they aren’t half dull. I zone out and mainly because i’m not a singer. I can appreciate a decent ‘vocalist.’ But i’m Jesus…I’m Jesus? I mean JESUS! I love stuff that’s upbeat, sassy or alive. Something that’s fun or so hilarious that I die.

That’s just made me remember that when picking a life partner, I need to make sure that they are funny, or have the same sense of fun (I hate dull boys,) or humour as I…otherwise they’ll just think i’m a twit. (And i’m gonna try and get away with disguising my tittiness…tittiness? HAHAHA. I meant ‘TWITTINESS,’ and i guess now…with TITS. Lol.

Have a great night!

Leeds Lifestyle Awards Part 1

ChrissieWunnaKitten

Image result for leeds lifestyle awards Image result for leeds lifestyle awards

Five o clock, Wednesday October 5th, I swung out of a ‘pull towards you’ door, in a black & white pinstripe shirt, black trousers, heels and big hair. Dashed over cobbles, armed with a hand bag and a giant ‘get changed into’ bag, that was filled with diamante Louboutins, a gold sequin dress, makeup, knickers and kitten winks. Hopped into a waiting taxi, that’s mission was to dash me straight from Pontefract and onto a red carpet at The Royal Armouries in Leeds, for the Lifestyle awards. I had a busy week..so my scheduling was on point. I got dressed for the event, IN THE BACK of the cab and stepped out of it…at the other end…. looking divine. *Pout*

Poor Rob (The driver that I use for everything, that I need driving to) had to put up with my manic tinkering, as I began shuffling around madly in the back of his darling vehicle. I unfortunately 🙂 had to get FULLY NAKED to get into my dress, (I hadn’t wore pants all day lol,) so all i could do was piss myself laughing… as bronzer, hair spray and sequins flew around behind him and the other cars, on their ‘drive home’ next to us wondered what was going on? 🙂 I even found a canned gin and tonic in my bag. 🙂 That’s what glamour pusses do. We pack emergency supplies without realizing. Lord knows how it got there? But thank Christ for it…then this happened,

‘Rob, is it okay if I drink this in your car??’ *Shoves gin in his face*

‘Chrissie! You’ve just fully got naked! Lol. A flipping gin is mild! Lol.’

And WHAT A NIGHT! I stepped out of the taxi, got there early, saw men in actual armour having cans of Pepsi, before the big event. LOVED THEM. Said ‘Hi’ and giggled, as I admired the glitzy  chandelier draped red carpet. I had hugged Jonathan who was running the ‘Made in Leeds’ live broadcast, before hand and sauntered straight in…after I had finished my gin. 🙂 (The GREAT thing about the Made in Leeds crew was the simple fact that were all fantastic at their jobs. They literally knew who everyone was and why they were there! As soon as you tottered onto that red carpet and through the doors for your picture posey moments, you felt honoured and welcomed. And we like a bit of that, don’t we. 🙂 )

 

I got to do my posey pouty moments early…which is always good as i can fit all my selfies and ‘look at me’ Tweets in. Haha.

   

 

Met loads of people during and after pictures, the Prosecco was everywhere, almost at the ready like glassy bubbles of excitement, with smiles, waiting for us to all indulge. I skipped over to the VIP area in my golden mermaid dress, drank loads and watched Harrison ‘The Perceptionist’ (who is the most amazing mind reader,) …warm up, do his thang and get into it all…at the same time as put up with my shit and banter. 🙂 He’s charming. He’s fun. He’s ace. I’d hire him. I’d hire anyone who could put up with my shit jokes. 🙂 He’s gonna do well! I watched him ‘warm up’ with a lady who was nominated for ‘The Leeds Legend’ award. She was more graceful than I, as she refrained from delivering smutty jokes. HOWEVER did kept bringing over more Prosecos. TOTAL LEGEND!! 🙂 *Heart*

 

I was having all these conversations with people before it all began and before we went live on the telly. And it was hilarious because there were the owners of all the greatest bars, hotels and businesses in the city, under one roof and they’ve all had me tinker in their spots previously and a great number of times…yet i’ve always been drunk! SO it was nice to see them with a pair of ‘fresh’ kitten eyes. Lol. I was in a good position, as they all had a case of the nerves, as they had award hopes…and well i could just do cocktails and chat to folk, on camera, off camera and take a million selfies.

 

 

It got busy fast! That place filled up. Paps and picture taking everywhere. People from Big Brother, Sports guys, Bloggers, Xfactor, Radio shows, Popular DJ’s, Owners of Magazines, Press, all sorts…filled the initial reception room and mingled in with all the owners of all the BEST businesses in LEEDS. There was a magical glitz in the air, an excitement, a buzz, cameras, schedules, Jason the Lifestyle Awards creator, with Sinitta and all the Made in Leeds guys rushing around trying to get everything ready and sorted for the live broadcast! I was waltzing around with my hair toss and pout and with a Prosecco in my hand, before it was time to go into the main room for dinner, drinks and the start of the AWARD SHOW.

I was really excited. I almost skipped into the main room in my mermaid sequins, where i bumped into Nino Lopes. Now, Nino owns The Maven (which is a fabulous Leeds cocktail bar, like he said there are even people in New York, who know of his bar) and I had actually nominated The Maven to be shortlisted. I’ve tinkered there LOTS in my time and i have always had THE BEST TIME! I clocked him straight away and  he clocked and knew me immediately. We greeted, we chatted and he bought me a vino before it all madness all began. He was all suited and sexy and i wished him loads of luck. He was with the owner of La Bottega Milanese, who up for BEST COFFEE SHOP. He was also divine and dashing, with an exotic twist and straight away wanted to exchange details, as he has a big launch event coming up that he’d like me to go to. AND I COULDN’T BE MORE EXCITED for it, I’m there! I wished him luck also and spotted DJ Tom Zanetti strutting by with his ever so quiffy quiff, all styley and cool. I spotted Austin from Celeb Big Brother and some Xfactor folk. I hugged a guy who owns a Vivienne Westwood, Sinitta, saw Stephanie Hirst, bumped into my old pal Alex Simmons, a whole bunch of other people and business owners that I knew and then saw Cleo Rocos, who I ADORE more than life itself, as not only did she do the Kenny Everett show for years, but she’s a glamour puss, so much fun and the owner/creator of AquaRiva, which is the purest Tequila in all of the land. The only tequila in the kingdom where in which you will not get a hangover, because of it’s purity. TO ME, SHE IS GOD. We’re similar…super fun, super warm, glammy ‘good time’ girls. She was rustling up cocktails as I was getting seated with the owner of House of Solo (a fashion magazine.)

Everything was exciting, there was a buzz, a magic, a starlight vibe of winners and as we sat down, had meals brought to us and wine poured for us and chatted to others, (I was sat next to another blogger,) a whole bunch of presenters, the Made in Leeds crew and well we slamdunked that bread basket like carbs were our only true love. 🙂

The room was a purple lit dark, beamed by film cameras, excited people and letters that spelt out the word ‘LEEDS’ in giant alphabet lights. TV’s were around us, I’m sure people were shitting themselves with nerves, as it was all about to be broadcast live and there were presenters not wanting to fuck it all up and nominees all wanting to take home the big old juicy prize..for delicious bragging rights (which we all love) and a merry sense of achievement.

Y’know, one of the good things that happened before the awards went live on air was the fact that a gentleman up on the stage had said this,

‘Could everyone that is the OWNER of a business that is nominated and shortlisted for an award stand up at their table please.’

And when they did, there was this moment of absolute of pride, a real pride, away from the glitter…it felt really wonderful, because these people were people from all walks of lives, who had put in so much hard work for a dream that they had…and they made it work…and now they were stood infront of an applauding crowd, who were wishing them the entire BEST for the rest of the evening. It was a good feeling. I took stalker snappy pics of all their faces in that moment.

I sat, I drank, I smiled…and then we had a 30 second countdown, where we were told that even though we were going live on air at 9pm, which means that we would be allowed to swear and all sorts, we were advised to ‘ease into it.’ Lol.

The AWARDS began…

Image result for leeds evening city skyline