Well That Went Wrong & Bibles…

What a night. Gosh! There I was thinking all was well. I worked all day. Shimmied through it, as per usual. Thought through new business deals. Talked through life with friends. Enjoyed Soya nuts with newly vegan ‘Hustle Barbie.’ Enjoyed cups of tea with ‘Fairytale.’ Secret giggled with ‘Firmonnell’ about idiocy. Appreciated that I didn’t do finance for a living. Drove home. Chilled a second. Poured a wine. Dashed for cuddles with Ruby and waited the arrival of Junior. (Who spent the day with his Dad.)

Oh gosh!

The arrival of Junior via his Father…Keiran.

You should all know the tale. If you don’t, I’ll fill you in. I’m a single mum of two. Both children have different fathers. I’m not with either gent, however we ALL get on really well and co parent the children better than anyone could EVER co parent. I used to be married to Keiran.

This evening, at around 7pm. Keiran shows up at my doorstep to drop Junior off, who was filled with Mummy love and life. As soon as arrives, he says..

‘I need to come in for a second. I need to speak to you.’

(When this happens, it’s usually something bad.)

‘Don’t worry. It’s not anything bad. Hang on….Ruby, Junior can you both just go into the living for a second, whilst I talk to your mum.’

Junior refuses to. But Ruby just seems to get the score without a moments prompting (almost like she had seen this little shindig happen a million times before,) so she hold hers brother’s hand, whilst she walks him into the living room, and tells him she’s going to read him a story.

So, I’m an open girl and I’ve always made sure whilst raising the kids, that I keep everything with Ruby, Junior and I expressive and open. So I don’t like closed doors, drama and whispers. Especially in my own home. You can’t come into someone elses home and do that. It creates a sense of awkwardness.

Anyway…he begins with…

‘Don’t be alarmed…’

It’s never good when people start with a sentence of sorts. But he explained a situation that I already knew about…so with a warmth, I just smile and say,

‘Yeah, don’t worry. That’s fine.’

(I’m good with the BIG STUFF.)

He thanks me. Everything’s fine. (Awful word is ‘fine,’ as it rarely means dandy.) He seems relived. We’re all smiley. Things are sorted. I expect him to now leave, after the baby drop off…

Then no……..because ofcourse in Wunna Land is EVER that simple.

THEN Keiran decides he’s going to take it upon himself to try to convert me into being a Jehovah’s witness. 🙂 I’ve worked all day. I’m tired. This is my home time with the kids.

Basically….I’m having none of it. My SASS levels rise…I even had my kitten specs on lol….and without going into it all….Here is how it went…

‘Right! What YOU believe, is what YOU believe and i’m fine with that. But what I believe is what I believe and YOU NEED TO BE cool with that. I’m not someone who wants to hear about flipping Jehovah or Armageddon or some juicy little paradise that you think that you’re going to at 7pm at night.

I believe in life and just living it in the now and i’m fine with that. I don’t wish to be weirdly immortal forever. When i’m alive, I’m alive and when i’m dead i’m dead. What matters to me is NOW. I could walk out of this house and get run over by some manic driver and it’ll all be over. Right NOW is what matters to me and right now, I could be spending time with the kids, who I adore, instead of talking about the Bible with you!!

You can’t tell me what will happen to me when I die, because you don’t flipping know.’

‘I do know. It’s the word of GOD.  We need to meet up and do Bible Studies.’

WHAT!!!! Don’t talk shit at me Keiran. When we met in a gym six years ago, you were a completely different person. ANN SUMMERS SPONSORED OUR WEDDING!!!! I don’t try to tell you how to live your life. Don’t push yours on mine. It’s like me trying to tell someone what it’s like to be in the Army, when i’ve never experience BEING in the Army. I can only tell someone what I THINK i know, where you would actually know what its like to be in the Army. Get it???’

 ‘Yes. I completely get it.’

He almost stops…But no…he goes on…

‘Why don’t you wish to be immortal forever… You don’t want to end up in paradise?’

‘WHAT!!! What are you on about! I’M FLIPPIING HAPPY. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I ‘M HAPPY, THE CHILDREN ARE HAPPY AND LET ME TELL YOU…DURING MY LAST SECONDS ON EARTH, I’M NOT GOING TO BE WISH I HAD READ VERSE 43 OF THE FLIPPING BIBLE AM I! I’M GOING TO BEGGING TO SEE MY KIDS FOR ONE LAST TIME!!’

By this point, I was FUMING and he knew it. (It must’ve been the ex wife scowl.) And I never lose my rag. I’m  usually so chilled, I could be laid on a flamingo lilo, floating around a pool, in the sunshine, with my pina colada and a wink. But I lost it with him today. Calmly. But FIRMLY. And i lost it because he kept trying to FORCE me to believe something I didn’t and DON’T believe in. And I understand Keiran better than anyone. I get why he’s where he’s at right now in life..No one in the world is MORE understanding that I am. I don’t judge anyone. I respect him. I respect the beliefs of others. But you don’t come into Wunna land and ….well… you get it.

YOU DON’T NEED A WORD.

I don’t need a Bible study session. God loves me. I’m good with God.

Here’s the moral…..

The moral of the story is to not force people to do things that they don’t wish to do. YET also for you as humans, to always stand by what you believe is morally right. DO life, YOUR WAY.

It’s your version of it.

Respect people for what they believe in. What they stand for. We’re all different and that’s what’s great about us and after the world’s taken a turn, Keiran and i will just go back to ‘happy go lucky’ co parenting again, like it never even happened.  And I like that.

Anyway, he knew it was time to leave…and with smiles galore and a…

‘Please don’t swear Chrissie…Satan will….’

‘If I wanna swear, i’ll swear. I’m not doing Bible studies with you Keiran. I’m not that lost. I’m really busy and right now I just want to spend some time with the children’

He was actually really pleasant about it all…even though he might have eyed up my boobs a little…(Hmmm…not very religious of him) and then he left.

‘I’ll text you.’

I shut the door.

Ruby: ’ I heard all that! Let’s just get into our comfies and watch some telly Mum.’

And just like that…Wunna land refound it’s fabulousity and got back to normal… with a fresh wine pour and a wink!

PS/ Ann Summers did actually sponsor our wedding years ago and our wedding table favours were limited edition delicately wrapped ‘bullets’ and cock rings. Lol. It was all about pleasure. 😉

Then we split up. And weirdly as stories and chapters go….The break up, was the best thing (on both sides) that we could’ve ever done.

 

Girl Banter, Wine & Dance Routines

Firmonnell: ‘I just love it. Whenever I hear it, it makes me feel like I want to make up some kinda dance routine. Haha.’

(We’re in our thirties…this is not normal.)

Me: ‘Lol. That’s exactly what I said, when I first heard it?’

(Because i’m just as immature.)

Double B: ‘What song is it…?’

And unfortunately for life, Firmonnell and I proceeded to perform the song..well attempt to sing it for Double B, just so she could get which song we were on about? We’d totally forgot what it was called? But it’s that ‘Instruction’ song by Demi Lovato.

Double B: ‘What song? I don’t get it?’

(Her 21 year old ears don’t even work.)

Me: ‘We’re not even singing it shit!!! GOD!!!’

She finally got it. Sanity was restored. The world became a shimmie and well she might have delivered the sentence…

‘Get on my tits’

…as she Sumo Wrestler, knee bended, during the ‘morning part’ of the day.

Then i wished we had prosecco. Kisstory played on in the background….and Russian Roulette was the only game that our phones would allow us play.

Nights out were reconfirmed. Liars were worshipped. Then the girls decided to imagine what i’m next wedding would be like. All the laughs. *Rolls Eyes.* 🙂

Firmonnell: ‘We would be in the SLUTTIEST bridemaids dresses that anybody would have ever seen!!!’

(Who said they’d be wearing dresses? I might make them adorn their crotches with fig leaves, or a single peacock feather. Naked isle strutting! Wahey!)

Double B: ‘I want you to walk down the isle and do an outfit change half way down…I want your first outfit to just slip off your body magically, to reveal your second outfit…Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Hahaha. It’s like the Britians Got Talent Bloopers! I wanna walk to the top of the isle, forget to look at my husband and strike a pose for a  selfie… just for ‘Insta’ likes.’

We had a great day. I was surrounded by the best chick click ever. I’m so lucky. I love my girl besties. But we totally gave zero fucks today and laughed off all danger with sarcasm, lies and should i get that ‘coconut, chilli chicken salad today’ questions.

Sometimes in life, you just have to give zero fucks about things. Have fun. God! We’re a long time dead. If you can’t cut an atmosphere with a burst of good times, then you certainly are not living right.

Then ‘Hustle Barbie’ saunters in, all glamourous, hot and blond. She’s off to her fancy dress party tomorrow night….as ‘Sandy from Grease.’ Luckily she’s going as Sandy, when she’s all ‘skin tight leggings and hip wiggles’ and not the crying in a giant nighty version.

Do remember that in that movie… when Sandy’s all pure and demure,  ‘Zucko’ pretends to not give 2 shits, as he’s far too busy ‘pussy wagonning’ with the boys. Yet when she’s all Sassy and ‘look at me bitch’ he’s all of a sudden got ‘chills that are multiplying’ and a boner that will love only her forever. Interesting!!!

Anyway, back to the story….I got distracted! I’m not sure what happened, because I was just rocking from side to side on an orange swizzle chair and not listening to anyone in my turtle neck, but Double B, did state that ‘Hustle B’ would be totally fucked because see was certainly about to meet someone, where in which the ability to ‘sign language’ would be an absolute must….

Double B: ‘But you don’t know sign language, so you’re just gonna have to make it up. Lol. Is that a dictionary?’

Hustle Barbie: ‘Eww! No…It’s eyelashes.’

Welcome to my world.

Then as I continued to swizzle about on a chair and not listen to much, as ‘No Scrubs’ played on the radio and no one could find a pen… Firmonnell retold the story of the moment Double B sauntered in and looked…well she described her as this…

‘She came in like a 1920’s washer woman, no face on, her skin transparent…and with a messy top knot in. Hahaha. She looked like someone from Downtown Abbey…but who lived in the cellar!’

Hahahaha. I love that!!!!! You know you have great friends when you can refer to each other as cellar gremlins.Just a great day!

Not sure what else happened? Aside from Firmonnell deciding that she didn’t like her hubby ‘Big D’ in a vest…Apparently the only way she can get him to not wear one is if they have sex…

‘At least, he’d take it off then.’

Hahaha.

YES! I’m all for her ‘let’s have sex so you don’t fashion crime around me’ policy. Why is she not Prime Minister?

To be honest, my day ended up being a long one, a busy one, a stressy one…You know the score… I’m just glad it’s the weekend! I’m so excited for peace. I’m gonna chill, enjoy family time, have a wine and write the rest of my book. (It’s out in the New Year. I’ve had people read extracts and apparently it’s rude but okay.)

I mean, on the whole i’ve had a good day, it just ended mentally, which doesn’t help relaxation mode.. I just wanted to get home. I couldn’t wait to get home. But if we (the girls and I) didn’t see adult twins in matching outfits, the cast of Gangman style, a young wannabe ‘heart throb’ use our window as a ‘hair doing’ mirror and a weird dude in an S & M biker hat and nipple vest walk by…I don’t know what we would’ve done all afternoon?

As soon as I got home, I stripped down to comfies, adored my little babies, ordered in a ‘take out’ and watched a motivational video that my Mentor sent me.

Unfortunately i have a short attention span….I like short bursts, rather than long winded stories. Which is weird because I tell long winded stories on here constantly. Lol. But I kinda watched the beginning and fast forwarded it to the end.  🙂 That’s how impressively studious I am. It just got too dramatic and boring. I just don’t need a shouty American to tell me to be driven. I AM driven. I just do it my way…which is calmly… with a cocktail. My eye is NEVER not on the prize. Don’t get it twisted. I’ve not done that bad in life. 😉

I even sent the video on. have no clue why? I just felt like it. But it seems that if you’re already driven and already successful, you’re not too arsed about a motivational video because you don’t really need one. If I can watch it and be bored, then I must be in a good place.

Right…I need wine…

 

 

 

Leeds, La Bottega, Inadequate Chris & Marriage?

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A Wedding Bell Rewind

Okay, i’ve only plonked this picture up because you love it.

My favourite it actually this one…

But obviously there’s a hand infront of my face….lol…which is a massive cameraman ERROR. (You can’t win’em all. But whatever, i’m two babies own and i still can rock a hot tub body. 😉 )

Okay..i’m currently in the forest. (You know that anyhow) and well for the ones of you that don’t know or don’t have me as a matey on Facebook…today is actually my wedding anniversary. I’m SINGLE on my actual wedding anniversary. That’s how ace a wife I was. Don’t worry, i’ve had wine, so i’m not a weeping wreck. (I’m a happy drunk. I’m never that sad after a tipple. Backwards, I know, to say that two years ago today I was celebrating life with my brand new husband, i was about to fall pregnant and I thought my life would be perfect forever! I was SO in love, it was crazy.) I’ve already had my FB moan…and done the whole ‘i’m like a budget Geri Halliwell’ thing. Not because I think i’m a Spice Girl..that was me in the 90s. But because of the whole Union Jack thing. I admit, it’a bit less ‘Girl Power’ than Geri herself…yet it’s a whole lot more whorey…so do i win?

 

 

But yeah, time flies and it’s so bizarre. I really can’t stand it. I mean, the forest is divine and i’m lucky to have the children and such a great support system in order to keep me balanced. (EVERYONE needs a support system or something to live for and I’m been so so SO sad about the passing of Robin Williams, that my heart has literally ached for everything. It really has pinpointed what life is about to me. What an amazing man, actor and just basic human being, who made such an impact on all of our lives, that we all truly feel that a piece of us, or our childhood has been taken against our will. He was a guy that made everyone smile, laugh and feel happy for a living, yet deep inside he felt alone, sad and well…depressed. My heart goes out to his family. What a tragically heartbreaking loss. So bad, that it sort of made my moaning about my wedding anniversary seem trivial in comparison…which was a GOOD THING.)

RIP Robin. 🙁 🙁 🙁

Today was actually a great day, to say it was swirled in ‘could be bad if i chose it to be.’ Lol. I woke up to the sun beaming through the forest trees, feeling refreshed and adored by my little family. I was glowing. I’m happy here. Always happy. This place is so peaceful and reminds you of the things that matter in life that it truly is such a wonderful time. To me, it’s luxury in it’s SIMPLIEST FORM and the thing that people usually forget to do in life, other than relax, love and enjoy…is to keep it simple. We went on a morning forest walk…where Ruby decided to be the most excited little girl on the planet. Then I made a giant lunch, we hot tubbed and relaxed as I plonked on movies and sipped vino out of love. (The babies are fast asleep right now and today I have never ever seen them happier, in my entire life. When you’re ‘Mama’…that alone fills you with joy and i don’t mean that to sound cheesey. I honestly just MEAN that. It’s amazing. And that’s why I always say that in life, you always always need something or someone to love and live for. It makes life worth it.)

I can’t believe that i was getting married two years ago today. It’s so sad that it all came to an end. 🙁 I mean, it’s been a year of separation and time is the greatest healer, yet it doesn’t stop the days…like today…’the anniversary’…..from being important. It doesn’t stop you from going back in time and rethinking everything through. I’ve done the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘if only’s’ already…and i think a little part of me just wishes that something heroic and magical will happen…that he’ll do something amazing to put back the pieces, celotape the memories back together and take it step by step from there. That’s a normal feeling. But we haven’t contacted each other about our anniversary today… at all. Crazy innit! I feel like I didn’t get married and start a family to become separated and have the family broken down. I wanted togetherness…

HOWEVER…

the great thing about it all is that I survived the worst break up ever and i did it with dignity, looked after my babies, worked hard and managed to get back on track WITHOUT swirling down thw plug hole…not one bit! I was SUPER STRONG and I championed it and i only championed it because i had the CHILDREN. (The something to live for.) PLUS, i have an amazing family, especially MUM and a stream of wonderful friends. I had all the love support in the world, which got me through a time that could’ve been much much tougher.

I guess, in life…and you’ve all heard this before…when bad things happen to you…it’s not the badness of the things that happen that matter…yet the number of times you can get back up..with a goddamn smile and great hair… that make you ACE. It’s your bounce back ability and if i have anything…i have that. THIS BITCH IS A FIGHTER.

So feel strong…do things that make you happy. Love the people you’re meant o love and keep life simple. Understand life and what it’s about. See the big picture. Don’t waste your time. LOVE. Go to the forest in Union Jack bikini’s an hot tub. 😉 (You all loved it much.) And most of all…be happy in the skin you’re in. Once you are…you can and will conquer the world!

Today….regardless….i’m happy and i’m happy because i managed to focus on the great things i have going on in my life, rather than the bad things that have happened to me. PLUS, today isn’t a bad day at all, because remember….this time two years ago…i was about to fall pregnant!!! 🙂

I’ll cheers to that!

Wunna x