Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.

Anyway…

The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’

Me: ‘What? OMG! SCRRRRREEEEEAMS…..’

BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!

 

 

 

Sassy, Bank Holiday Sexiness…

I’M HAPPY!

I’m sprinkled in a confetti fun, dazzled with a giddy charm. I’m feeling flirty, fun rebellious. I’m enjoying my life to the max. I’m laughing with my chick friends, tinkering in the art of business and winking at strangers who deserve a bit of love from Wunna Land. Right now this weekend…even though i’m feeling a bit chubby, I’m totally on top of my game and DOLLS it feels FUCKING GREAT!

I’m enjoying every waking inch of my Bank Holiday weekend. You only live once. I’m loving it.I’m living it and doing everything that I want, when I want. I think there might even be sunshine! I’ve loved, danced and done candy flossed ‘toy store’ openings with my GORGEOUS little Wunna babies. They rinsed me. I didn’t care. If you work hard and can’t spend your money on the people and things that you love, then you’re doomed. I’ve lunched with family. I’ve drank salted rimmed margaritas at Ego in Ackworth. I’ve Pornstar Martini’ed it at city centre pitstops ( I LOVE A POP UP BAR) and over the finest wine, the most delightful lunches and VIP tables that I couldn’t turn up to, I’ve had fun. I’m happy and the great thing is that this weekend, I’m not suffering fools. I’m taking not shit. No nonsense and embracing every part of me that feels powerful.

IT FEELS SOOOOOOOOO GOOD!

I’ve had lots of my chick friends ask me a great deal about love and how it all works, how men work, how life works with them etc…and FIRSTLY…I’M DEFINITELY NOT YOUR BEST BET. I don’t win stars in that category. I’ve had my heart break and heal so many times that nowadays, each time new love comes striding into Wunna land, I smile, go with it and just keep my fingers crossed with hope good intentions and laughter. That’s all you can do. I know girls like to ‘fuss.’ But i like to keep things simple. If a dude likes you, he’ll like you..and he’ll come get you and if he doesn’t…he won’t. You don’t have o put your life on hold, or worry for nothing. If he adores you…he won’t lose you. Yet, I will say that I have noticed from some of my closest chickdaees that once a guy does ‘get you’ and feels all ‘slipper comfy’…which don’t get me wrong is lovely…sometimes…they forget that to make sure their girl is feeling adored, appreciated and loved. We’re weird ones, us girls. It’s something we always need to feel. Even when we feel it ourselves. When we love, we love whole heartedly, don’t we? We come shooting out that canon head first, in a swirl of love madness. It’s nutty. But hilarious.

Men aren’t the same. They’re growers. *Wink wink* They grow to love…after an initial infatuation..which is pretty sensible, on the whole..Lol. My LA friend Dylan, once explained this to me whilst chucking pasta to a wall, in strips, to see if it was cooked,as a really rummed up Magician decided to get really drunk because no one loved him? Anyway he told me, that men where like trains… and that they needed to *chug* along merrily, with no pressure before they eventually decide to THEN go through the tunnel… slooooowwwwwwlllllllyy…. and once they do and the come out the other end…. they’re apparently hooked, ready and at that point will love you more than anything? He must’ve been pissed? What the fuck was she on about? Dickhead? And that pasta wasn’t cooked. Lol.

Yet, anyway, we as chicks have become so independent, that we’ve cut the guys so much slack when it comes to making them BE MEN. We’re all self sufficient and bouji and can do love, business and life all by ourselves now, can’t we? All that’s great, as I wave the flag for a hard working kitten. I am one. BUT I like to keep love ‘old school’ in a modern day world. It’s hard isn’t it? I’m unconventional, fun and wild, yet i’m a sucker for a guy that knows how to love, goes for what he wants and as he beams, makes her beam like there’s nothing in the world more precious. Like a whirlwind of sensual, magical, yet innocent stars swirl around you both…it’s filled with  trust, loyalty, fun, sex and romance. It pisses all over Tinder. I hate all that shit.

But enough about love! It’s Bank Holiday Sunday! YEAH DOLLS! 2 for 1 cocktails for everyone!

Y’know why i’m feeling so great? It’s because i’ve pulled my kitty socks up and got shit done. I’ve had fun, met up with friends, lunched, drank and had the most divine time with my babies…BUT THIS WEEKEND, after a long week of work (and I did feel sorry for myself all last week) I’VE MANAGED TO GET BE SO PRODUCTIVE AND ACTUALLY GET SHIT DONE.

I’ve smashed it and loved it. No feeling is better to me than that feeling of actually committing to being productive and seeing the results from it. I know!!!

I’ve made sure that i’m all over your news feeds, i’ve replied to all of my messages, I’ve drawn you to fan pages, instagram pages, Tweeted my way into your lives and Snapchatted bits of life, to beckon you into Wunna land like I have Haribo in my pocket or something. 🙂 It’s worked and right now, you’re being a great audience. It almost turns me on. Lol. I mean, I only put in a BIT OF WORK to see what would happened. So if I got my glitter elbow grease out….I’d nail it. I’m feeling really confident. It’s crazy. I’m on FIRE! It’s sexy. I’m feeling sexy. 😉 I mean, I might have even felt so sexy that I Googled Porny Gifs to utilize my feeling of ‘sexy’ into ‘expression. LOL. Just me. No one else. Keeps you out of trouble. What? It’s good for you! 🙂 I’m like a dog on heat right now. I don’t know what’s up with me? I need 24 cold showers…and a seat belt. I’m feeling ‘more than usually’ kinksville. I need to slow my libido roll down.

I love these moments where I put down my daiquiri and make hay whilst the sun’s still shining. I’m ambitious so when I see results..I love it. I’m brimming over with this cheeky prosecco bubbliness. I feel amazing and I hope you do to!

My mind works weirdly, so as Jack Parson’s had told me I’m getting ideas, jotting my them down, whacking them on my walls on Post It’s and slowly putting together a plan. I’m NOT business minded. I’m a creative. I’m really creative. I’m an entertainer. So its almost like I have to approach business creatively or with more thought…OR just work with/hire the right people.

I hope you’re going to enjoy today?I have a few errands to run, before cocktails in Leeds. My friends are either out or doing date night, home life lunches or babies….I mean ‘The Mighty’ (who has managed to produce a second child) text me last night determined to FIND FUN in Leeds, when we were all at home. Lol. I knew that Mel was out, as I met her, Alex & Esme at Ego whilst they lunched and I handed them Garden Centre soap. Lol.

‘Are you trying to say I smell?’

‘Does Esme want a Mocktail. Ruby’s getting one?’

Anyway Mel went off and did hotel night with ‘Her Gary.’ I want a hotel date night. They’re always so much fun. There’s something so sexy sounding about them, right?

But yeah, I’m tired of typing now….

Enjoy the sun…as i’m definitely sure that I want to be laid on some inflatable cactus lilo right now, with a fruit umbrella drink in my hand, about some sunny pool, in a hot pink or leopard string bikini.

I have a shoot tomorrow…I boudior shoot so to speak with Claire Pritchard. She’s an AMAZING photog. I can’t WAIT to be a ‘fallen angel.’ What could be sexier? AND as you may tell…I’m feeling somewhat sexy right now. I’m embracing it as it’s my thing. It’s how I feel and where I feel most comfortable. I love sensuality. I love sexiness…in all forms. More than anything I love being a girl…We should embrace our womanhood more. It’s so powerful, it’s scary. I’m looking forward to filming my Vlog.

Ps/ I’ve spend the morning being obsessed with David Beckhams Instagram page. It’s amazing. You can’t help but love The Beckhams can you? I adore them. They’ve smashed it.

Ppps/ I love that someone actually Googled ‘Sumo Porn’ yesterday and found themselves here on this blog. You dirty bastard. Hilarious.

 

 

Keeping my options open…& Lee walks in…

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Smashed Day 1 of what i’m labeling my ’10 day stretch’ with the greatest of ease, a smile, a greeting of a new face, and pretty much like a champion. To say I tottered into the ‘stretch’ dreading it, I sort of didn’t find it too difficult really. I charmed my way through it with…I guess I turned on my ‘steady away’ mode…as they call it.

Everything simple, everything calm…the rain poured down outside…my LA friends spent the entire day messaging me pictures of sunny Beverly Hills, to entice me back over there. (I AM VERY JEALOUS. Give me my Beverly Hills life back immediately.)

But on the whole, I was happy. I’m still waiting for news. I hate waiting for news. I hate waiting for anything. But i’m patient, as I know it’s the smart thing to do. So, if anything, i’ve summoned my inner Buddha…and found my total enlightenment…in the bottom of a wine glass. 🙂 (I hate waiting. I’m a go getter. I need answers immediately and constantly wish I could control them.)

All was well. All was lovely. I tottered into the back, whilst the new face left me for better pastures…as I wonder out..there he is…LEE, my favourite Policeman. I haven’t seen Lee in ages, well definitely haven’t seen him since after the Spanish Doctor date. He’s just returned to work, after his weekend long STAG do. (All i heard was KFC Krushem signs, that they didn’t steal, yet were given. Hmm? Hooters. Drinking games, with Hooter girls on his back and Press ups in front of trams. 🙂 ) What goes on during a Stag do, stays on a Stag Do. When I get married again…and I will. I’m having a Stag do.

But yes. It was REALLY good to see Lee, as it’s weird because I only met him towards the end of last year, so I didn’t know him at all until then…(as he helps secure my place of work…and saves the world or something? Lol. He got a BLACK EYE on his eye, from BANGING HIS OWN FACE, ON A TOILET SEAT! 🙂 He’ll save the world tomorrow.) However since then we’ve become really good friends…sort of like random best buds, but we have this brotherly, sister rapport, that not only comforts me, but cracks me up!

If I actually think about it, of recent, he’s actually the only person that I have told EVERYTHING to, Lol…over the last couple months…and I mean absolutely everything, no sensors or anything. . I’m open by nature anyway, so most people will get a lot out of me. I’m never really embarrassed. i just class the stuff that happens to me, as ‘life.’ Plus, I obviously write a very personal blog, about the ‘goings on’ in my life..Yet he gets the non edited version of it…as do most who know me. Yet Lee gets the full rendition, simply because he can see my face when I tell him the story…I see him almost every day…When I deliver a story, he in real life sees how I might actually feel, as opposed to how I tell you I may feel. I don’t refrain from delivering my true feelings to you, as by nature i’m blunt and truthful. I just skip things…because I can. And that’s only because every being needs to keep some things private.

So we’re like best buds, who have turned into Brother and sister. He’s like the over protective, yet cool big brother, who scowls when I date boys who are not right for me..and give me lectures like, ‘What happened to being celibate and not being bothered about dating?’

I mean, heaven forbid if he and his wife to be, have a little girl (i’ve sworn she’sll come back from their honey moon pregnant)…she’ll never date for him terrifying the boy, with his disapproving Fatherly eyes and head shakes.

Anyway, in walks Lee, and he’s asking me about life and my date. I’m asking him about his Stag. And I’m telling him everything about whats going on with boys, and how i’m feeling. He’s really good at looking out for me. Keeping me grounded…kinda like Jenna would. He genuinely cares. He does thoughtful things for people. I mean before i went into hospital, he was a star….and i adore good people. It makes me smile. But yeah, I’m rambling on about love…he’s thinks i should be single forever and that I currently don’t have any options. Let alone decent options. Lol. And he’s..well probably right. I’m don’t have the best track record. I just want to be cared for correctly and treated correctly, by a genuine soul, who is filled with love, kindness, confidence and decency. Someone exciting and brave when it comes to emotions and love. It’s really important to me when it comes to picking a gent.

I was telling him about the Spanish Doctor date and well I think after ‘chatter’ and tea, we sort of came to the conclusion that it was quite bizarre that after one date…the guy would adore me so much that he would want me forever. And that part is strange…as he’s also quite handsy, and passionate…which makes him pretty full on. Not too bad in my mind. Worth a second date…as the Doctor’s all spiritual and just knows, right? (Lee would do his disapproving *head shake* here.) The Doctor’s actually become a bit withdrawn as of today, and I have a little…as we haven’t sent each other a message all day. That’s normal. That’s fine. But my mind is in a different place, right now..and Lee could tell, as he says the way I tell the story to him, is very different, from what he’s read on this blog.  And it’s only because I felt different today. He’s very  busy. I’m busy. He’s not a bad guy at all. And i will go on a second date..as I I want to get to know him more…as you don’t really know someone that well after one date, right.

However, let’s just say, for a girl that has a one track mind with boys…the Doctor is sort of now ‘an option.’ I’m being open minded about the whole dating thing now…and seeing what occurs naturally in life with the guys that decide or intend to pursue me. He’s still a good option.  I did say that to my favourite policeman…I mean , I just want to know him properly before i get I let a *swirl* carry me away (I hate it when Lee makes me sensible.)

The Spaniard thinks he’s intimidated me with his forwardness and feels all ‘oh nooo’ and more shy now…and he hasn’t. I like forward men. I love expressive men. (He is a bit too handsy. Lol. But it’s only because he’s genuinely so excited by me…so i’m flattered.) I mean, God, it’s better than a ‘dick pic’ from some 19 year old dude that saw me once in ‘Biggies.’

I mean, I also told Lee about something else…and well…he just told me not to be soft and to put things into actual perspective…as I am totally ‘soft’ when it comes to love, by nature. Unless, I think they’re taking the piss! I’m literally the most forgiving human…if i believe you’re genuine. Yet if i don’t and the person doesn’t attempt to prove it..(I’m a girly girl, I love it when men go out of their way to make an effort. I’ll remember it forever…Yet I’ll also remember the bad..lol)

So yeah, I’m keeping my options open..as…

‘You just don’t know what’s gonna happen, or who’s going to just walk into your life… I mean, look at us, we didn’t even know each other last year!’ (A Lee quote.)

And that’s true…the boys that want you and really want you, will do everything they can to make sure you know how much they care for you, want you, or love you. They’ll show you, prove it to you and come get you….

The ones that don’t…just aren’t bothered…and that’s the reality of it all.

Other than that, i got yelled at and threatened by a group of gypsies today, to the point where I had to The Hierarchy to toss them away from my surrounding area…and I gave out ‘really bad,’ but i think it’s really good love life advice to teens. I love that teens come to me, with all their love life problems. They go to other people for important things like Uni choices…and work options..then come to me, for advice of lipstick and boys. 🙂 I love it because it makes me feel as though i’m inspiring…

FYI/ SOOooo disappointed that the Celeb Threesome Sex Scandal, that was banned from the UK tabloids, was only Elton John. Blah! I wanted it to be The Beckhams! Lol