Diets, Fairytales & A Good Old B********

Everything is wonderful. So wonderful that I feel like i might have to pinch myself to believe that all is going to be okay. I always believed it. Yet, I must not have really if i’m this shocked. Lol. I took a couple days off from blogging, not because I couldn’t be arsed or I was too busy. I was a little stressed out and really tired. Instead of coming forward with a meant nothing to me shite blog, I rested, waited until I felt full again and chilled out. I’m a positive person. I don’t like writing stressy blog, if they’re not dashed in humour, as emotions are contagious…like the lergy, you pass it on.

I don’t how to describe how I feel to you, right now. Just know it feels good. It feels balanced. It feels peaceful. For a wild one…I LOVE PEACE. I’ve always said that the next time I marry, I will choose the man that brings me peace. Keiran, my ex husband (even though we’re great friends now, because we co parent Baby Junior) brought me quite a rollercoaster of drama. There was always something. Always a fuss. Always shit over nothing. I live in a dramatic world. A very open world. A word where the world read my life as I go along.  The ways things are now…that could never happen. I wouldn’t ever have it. I want something so special that it’s just mine. It’s swirled in romance, love and friendship. It’s just mine. It makes me laugh, but it brings me peace. It’s reliable. It’s full of soul. It’s just mine. (You can tell i’m old now. Lol *Starts knitting a cardy.*)

If i had five large tins of paint in front of me….and in each tin was a thick glittery gloopy colour…one pink, one yellow, one purple, light green and blue…and if each tin represented a part of my life…y’know that had a label on it that read..

‘Love/Health/Wealth/Family/Career/’

I could pick up my magic wand right now and dip it into each gloopy tin of paint. As I lifted the wand higher and watched the thick glittery paint stretch and slop all over with life and then splash it and swirl it all around the room madly…MADLY..with laughter and spirit bubbling through my soul… the entire mess I was making …that mess would represent HAPPINESS.

I guess, that’s how heart feels now. It almost feels free. (Note/ I said ‘almost.‘ 🙂 I used to always say that if you ‘almost did something’ you never ever did it. It didn’t count. However, now I guess, if you almost do something, you’re nearly there. 🙂 )

But away from that, ‘Fairytale’ has put me on a diet. She’s on it also, as we need to look good in bikinis in 12 weeks. I think I have ten? I’ve eaten nothing but leaves. Literally just leaves. I’ve listened to her tell me how ‘on it’ we need to be…then she TRIED TO EAT A FUCKING PROSECCO BUN INFRONT OF ME.

Fairytale: ‘I might need a bite of that bun..’

Me: ‘YOU FUCKING DON’T! I’m not eating leaves all day for you to then think you’ve gonna dip your finger in BUN, fueled by Prosecco!’

Yet it’s great because yesterday I ate no shit. I’m actually properly on it. Even when you’re not looking. I might have had a wine. But fuck it. I’m a glamour puss. Vino runs through my veins. But yes, i’m gonna get there. I can feel it. I must be loving the skinny life for Summer. Hustle Barbie (who is also on this diet) has saved Michelle Keegan in a bikini, as her phone screen saver for motivation and reminding me of ‘Voice Penis Recognition’ as she diets and Double B is carrying around this GINOROMOUS GYM JUG of water everywhere she goes. Not sure if she’s drinking it? But she’s carrying it…which is a start. (That’s after she’s put on her gym clothes and jogged to the bar with me and ‘full moons’ her water jug like a blow up doll.)

‘ALWAYS HALF MOON THE WATER JUG!! HALF MOON IT!’

‘I can’t. It always feels weird on my nose if I don’t put my mouth all the way around the top.’

We left ‘Double B’ unattended for 4 minutes and  we found her with Prosecco cup cake in her hand and prosseco cream all around her mouth. (Luckily for her, It’ll just go on her booty.) Unluckily for me…i’ll lose weight, but it will come off my FUCKING BOOBS. The money makers.

*WEEPS!*

Everyone seemed to have a case of the blues on Monday, didn’t they? But we perked up a treat yesterday. I had a good evening the night before last night. It was a night that made me beam from ‘ear to ear.’ I chilled with the babies, did the normal family stuff with them…and then I message chatted to a human that I actually seem to care about…a lot. Life’s too short to at least try to love, right? Remember you have nothing to lose. But yeah, it was great. So as we were both sat home chilling, across different parts of the world…we messaged. It’s the simple things.

Shit! I forgot to tell you that ‘Fairytale’ and I got properly told off yesterday. Lol. Now, ‘Fairytale‘ is a total ‘Teachers Pet,‘ a total ‘School Monitor‘ and would DIE before she got scorned by authority. I’m used to getting bollocked. 🙂 I shrug it off with laughter and a hip bump. I might even pour myself a rum to celebrate.

Anyway. I had said a naughty word…or described a sexual act…in the name of banter…It had something to do with tiny willies and wanking and feeding these tiny willies Digestives or something? 🙂 She was having this convo with me because I had made her…Lol…she was lulled into it via association..

AND WE TOTALLY GOT BOLLOCKED. LOL

I thought she might cry. But instead we BOTH almost cried with laughter.  No rum was poured. She loved getting bollocked. Hahaha!

Bottom line…GUYS SHOULDN’T SEND VIDEOS INTO WUNNA LAND of them wanking the tiniest willy my pure kitten eyes have ever seen and expect me not to say that i’m going to feed it biscuits to my friends. Lol.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Remember that

‘CHRISSIE IN THE CITY’

is still currently ‘live’ on the

ONLOOKR APP

(Download it now at onlookr.co.uk

My friends and I have opened up our private text messages for the public to read…so you can get 24/7 insight, in real time, into our world…which we call WUNNA LAND. You can even have our messages sent straight to your phone!!!

It’s never been done before…So enjoy it. We’re on Day Five and we’re now having a blast!

 

 

 

 

Do the things that make you happy! You only live once. Life an be taken away from you, just like that! Achieve your dreams, love hard, be bold, tell the people who you care about, that you care.

Do it in heels? 😉

 

 

 

 

Here Kitty Kitty & Cocktails

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I’m here you delicious treaty treats! So sorry! I’m back! It’s been busy times. Things are AMAZING, almost ‘Dream Come True’ amazing, to the point where I’m having to piss myself (with laughter, not urine…cos who does that on Thursdays) simply because everything is as turned so ‘fast lane.’ I have shoots, and brand deals and shows and all sorts happening. I can’t even believe it. And my love life isn’t even shit! I KNOW!!! When it rains, it pours and i’m certainly not complaining because even though time is taken, hours seem to flitter and i’m rushing around like a sexy headless chicken…it’s all i’ve ever dreamt of…I’m working really hard, I can’t even tell you how lucky I feel (and that is in ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE) and yeah…for the first time in EVER, I feel confident to actually openly say (and i’m a worrier by nature, it’s hidden well by Estee Lauder..)

‘This is my year…’

(There…I said…it felt good!)

Right, I’m gonna skim all that has happened as I couldn’t at all possibly manage to tell you it all in one blog and due to time that’s all I can pull out of my glitter booty right now.

I chilled all Bank Holiday. Enjoyed family time. Thrived off being ‘Mummy’ and added in a cocktail here and there. I hate it when people become Mums and then decide that all of a sudden the have to wear no makeup, buy a rain mac and shuffle around like lost souls. YOU DON’T. The best part of being Mum, is managing to squeeze out babies, or should I say produce delicious humans and after all that ‘hoo haa,’ manage to pull yourself together and find your femininity again, IT’S SEXY! Throw that fucking rain mac out.

Samantha is enjoying her new swirl. It’s certainly been a work out 😉 . But the thing I adore about her is that she’s dipped in absolute ‘ooh laa’ that is dashed around with warmth. She comes across as sassy, but at 40 something…and i’m nearly fucking there…I want to be able to enjoy ‘my swirl’ with a hair toss and wink. LOL. She’s ‘no nonsense,’ she’s loving, she’s ballsy and doesn’t like watered down cocktails. I’m really glad we’ve become so close, as I really can’t imagine not having her in my world.

Double B: ‘She’ll end up in the  Sex ER.’

Double B is still gyming it. That doesn’t seem too weird. But Double B wouldn’t do such a thing. She craves Turkey Dinosaurs and doesn’t look at a salad twice without having a panic attack. (Wait! I’m making her sound fat! She’s not! She’s 21, blond and extension glamourous with a Kardashian booty.) She’s giving me booty envy. Mine just looks like it got tired and fell down my back.

BUT WHATEVER ‘MY FRONT’ IS GOOD! HAHAHA!

We’re all on diets…and it’s going well but feels like SHIT!

In the space of a few days, ‘Double B’ has managed to decalre that she rather..

‘Suck balls all day than deal with her…’

and that someone dear to our hearts…

‘Looks like speckled meat…’

and that, is she was a…

‘..Prostitute, she’s be a speedy one..like a taxi meter…the quicker they go, the less it’s gonna cost them..’

Firmonnell is all skinny and sassy now. We all couldn’t put our finger on what had changed since her Tenerife return…but i’ve decided and  after a public vote that she’s skinny and sassy now.

Away from all that (i’m running out of time) a really old pervy man came up to me and gave me porn books to read. It’s going to be unfortunate if he ever does find out that I blog and reads this, as I’ve just called him pervy and nearly called him fat. But hey hoe! I read extracts out to the girls, against their wills…On the positive…as least the guy’s expressive and I only had to say the words …

‘Pussy’

and

‘Juices combining’

a couple of times. (Dirty bastard. Lol.) It’s not even the fact that it’s dirty. I love sex and expression. I’ll steal a few of the lines to text over to the swirl on Friday night. Lol. It’s just the fact that he’s tried to be ‘dirty’ and write a ‘dirty book’ to capitalize on the novel raunch that ‘Fifty Shades’ let out into the sassy world. SHE’S ALREADY DONE IT. Write about sex because you love sex. He doesn’t know…as I am sure he doesn’t get it. Lol. (I’m fucked…not literally…if he reads this… ever.)

Anyway, I’ll cut the crap. I’m late for everything now and  still sat in my bra, on the bed trying to type… I NEED A MORNING GIN!

Sometimes in life you just godda kick it and have some fun…so all my friends and I ‘clocked off,’ flung on our jackets…slam shut ‘the work door’ behind us and tottered across town for dinner and cocktails at Ego, In Ackworth,

Eleven of us went and it was delightful. Just a swirl of friendship, wine glasses and laughter. We snapchatted our own versions of the night, so if you missed all that, should should be following. (Chrissiewunna1)

There was a moment where I looked all the way down a long table, filled with the people that I send most of my time with…and for a whole 10 entire minutes every single face was BEAMING. Banter was being made, glasses where being lifted, jokes, life, private whitters and laughter was dancing up and down the table with joy. I watched it because it made me realize how lucky we are to actually aciddentally be so close.

A really great night. at 10pm tood outside Ego waving as ‘Fairytale’ zoomed off with ‘the boys’ in the back of her new mini, whilst shouting..

‘FAIRYTALE BLOND!’

My guy friends then decided to try and make us go out to Biggies lol. I didn’t…But instead of just being normal humans…they (Webbo, Dipper and Double D) made the executive decision to send us all nudes. …yes…of themselves, with the odd picture of chess? Lol. Bare bums everywhere. Hahaha.

I have so much on, but everything is great! I’ve been nominated for the Diversity In Media, ‘Blogger of the Year’ awards…and

‘CHRISSIE IN THE CITY’

Starts TOMORROW…FRIDAY!

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I’m gonna tell you more about it in the next blog this afternoon…I’m gonna try and write it whilst working…

But what I NEED YOU TO DO is

DOWNLOAD THIS APP..But TODAY…like now!

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‘ONLOOKR’

onlookr.co.uk

It takes two seconds…So do it!

You’ll know what i’m talking about if you follow me on any of my social media channels..It’s all over Twitter, you’re all sharing it and thousands of you are ‘liking’ it.

BUT TO BE PART OF THE ACTION…

YOU NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE ABOVE APP!

My best friends and I are going to be giving you ACTUAL REAL LIFE INSIGHT INTO WUNNA LAND, AS WE TAKE ON THE CITY…

We’ve been given our own reality drama show for you to watch…but in  WAY THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

For the first time ever…,my friends and I (and you will know them from this blog) are going to open up our private and personal messages, our entire Onlookr inboxes…24/7 in real time, as we go along….and for everyone in the world to read!! And when we text….WE FUCKING TEXT! LOL.

All in the next blog…Download the Onlookr APP to be part of it.

 

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Ps/ Photo by the beautiful Clare Pritchard www.clarepritchardphotgraphy.com

 

 

 

 

Business, Swirls & Bouji Gin

So, I thought I was gonna chill & be quiet, yet this inner need for noise and bustle got the better of me, after *peace* had been  successfully’ticked’ off my ‘To do’ list. I found myself sending my bored friend Abeiku Arthur (who owns House of Solo Magazine..which I shot for) and by 7.30pm I as sat, in my faux fur, outside at a table with a red red wine at The Carlton, In Pontefract. It’s a local pub that I used to go to all the time, almost every time…Lol…almost racking up open tabs of hundreds of pounds time…Yet now I just peep in for a ‘kick back’ gin and tonic and jolly chilled banter with good friends.

I got there early so I just sat by myself, ‘House of Solo’ got there shortly afterward and after moaning that he wanted a burger and with a shandy in his hand, we pulled up a wooden chair and we started to talk work.

So, I’m running my blog, this blog..Wunna Land and he’s running his high fashion magazine…and every so often we catch up, to see how the other’s business is going on and chat shit about everyone basically. Lol. We loved chatting shit so much yesterday evening over wine that an old Yorkshire man, who was stood with his wife, stopped us and shouted across the outside ‘smokers’ patio…

‘Can I just say, you two look REeeeeEEEALLY HAPPY.’

Me: We’re talking about strip clubs and he’s moaning about £20 for a 3 minute dance, prices of them….HAHAH.’

The wife smiled, apologized for her husband, when she didn’t really need to… and said,

‘Aww, they’re just mates. Y’can tell…Especially if they’re taking about strip clubs, I’d whack you one..’

Everyone burts into laughter and the Yorkshire man finished off by shouting,

‘Bloody hell…Sorry. i didn’t realize. I just thought you looked happy, like you were gonna run off and plant daffodils or something.’

HAHAHAHAHA! I love people. I love funny strangers. He properly made my evening. Then he left.

But yes, after ‘House of Solo’ moaned about dodgy strips clubs in Wakefield.

Me: ‘As if you’re so stupid that you don’t know anything about strip clubs…They don’t just walk around fucking naked you idiot. You have to pay for that! Lol. That’s the WHOLE POINT!’

House of Solo: ‘Where’s my burger???’

Me: ‘Hahaha! You look like a zero swag dickhead, having to hold a basket of condiments with you, wherever you go!!’

Anyway, we then got talking about our careers. I was telling him about the stuff that I had going on, my collabos, my meetings, the investment deals, showing him my social stats and where I wanted to be headed this Summer career wise. And he’s always really positive about it with me, but at the same time keeps it real…Kinda like I am. I’m the same way. We’re straight talkers. However, i’m far more charming.

‘It’s only because you’re a girl…that’s why you have MAD followers…It’s harder if you’re a guy.’

Then I started talking about some of the recent Vlogs I’d been watching and Blogs people had or hadn’t been writing and how I thought they were doing, as personal brands. Some people get it? And some people JUST DON’T. I mean GOD! I love talking about other people’s blogs and vlogs…and gobbing my opinion of them as a brand. I get away with it, because my patch of cyberland is sassy. It gives me a the ‘green light’ to swear about other people’s patches all I want. 🙂

If you’re gonna be blogger or a vlogger that intends to *jiggly wiggly* into the world of personal branding, then you pretty much should be able to EXPRESS yourself PERSONALLY. If you can’t, or don’t..and I can always see through those that are uncomfortable or faking it…Your personal brand will just never work. It’ll just be boring, unauthentic…and like everyone elses. *SNOOZE* The idea is that you are true to who you are…YET, even if you are true to your voice in cyberland, you’ve got to have that ‘something, something’ that is simply captivating…Without that, in a business of ‘show’ you’re fucked.

I should have a ‘Swear tin’or something? Every time I SWEAR i’ll tinkle some change into a tin and when it’s full, I’ll give all the dodgy made money to charity. That’d be awesome. ‘Wunna swore for Guide Dogs’ or something? I could save lives and everything…Shame i’m not in the right heels. 😉 I’ll have to book in into next season’s diary. 🙂

Anyway, ‘House of Solo’ got his burger, I got a posh berried gin, as he showed me his front over ideas for the next edition. He’s doing four separate covers…and one of them I ADORE. It’s a shocker. I’m gonna PR the balls out of it for him and just because I think it’s SOOOO ‘out there.’ It’s gonna open eyes. (And no, it’s not a Wunna crotch shot…as really…that wouldn’t be too shocking to most,and my crotch isn’t that ‘High Fashion.’ Lol. Who knows, we could plonks some Burberry on it and whip it down a runway?)

Long story short, we quit chatting about our work…and just drank a bunch of gin with berries in.

House of Solo: ‘I want a fruity gin..’

Me: ‘When did The Carlton start doing bouji gin..?’

I love how all bars are now going on this ‘Gin is all BOUJI and new’ thing. IT’S BEEN GOING ON FOR DECADES. Y’know ‘Mother’s ruin’ and all that! But i’m not complaining. My drink was delicious and served to me by my old school friend ‘Pogson.’

Me: ‘Are we the last ones in here, cos you’re turning the lights off?’

Pogson: ‘Nooo, i’ve poured myself a Peroni, you’re fine.’

Anyway, we ‘House of Solo’ and I quit talking about work and started chatting about our love lives. (This is after we had politely slagged everyone off…Lol)

‘What? Chrissie! She just bums you..’

‘Yeah. I like it when people do that! Lol.’

But, yes…he was telling me about his happily tragic love life and I was telling him about mine…yet….in snippets…as believe it or not i’m always quite private about mine, so i’ll let you tell me everything and i’ll tell you bits…the unimportant bits, to keep you happy. I’ve been getting loads of messages from guys over the last few weeks (because i’m a chick with boobies) rambling on about if i’m ‘single, single, single‘ and then being in a mood because I won’t reply, which makes me ‘ignorant.’ Lol.

BLAH.

I’m not ignorant. I’m just busy and i’m not someone who’s gonna waste your time, or mislead you. I think that’s wrong, as you can never get your wasted time back. But I read all your messages and i am very flattered. Don’t think I’m not…and don’t call me ignorant, just because I don’t reply. Lol. Use a different word like ‘swine‘ to get my attention. It’s rude and has reference to booze in it. It’s a winner!

If i’m being honest…There’s obviously someone i’m in a swirl about I think he’s awesome. I really fancy him. He’a a great guy. And when it comes to things like that…as in ‘swirls,‘ I’ve kinda got a one track mind…Meaning, if i’m in a swirl, or I like a guy…it’s pretty hard, for you to get me, to like you more…unless the swirl has…well…swirled off. Lol

Anyway, I gave ‘House of Solo’ love life advice and he gave me guy advice…We gave each other advice, on how important it was to refrain from ‘playing it cool’ …cos sometimes you can plays something SO COOL, that nothing gets done…He moved forward with his mode of action and if i’m being honest, over the past week, I’ve really thought about ‘my swirl‘ a lot. I’ve been busy and working…but…

Whatever…in that moment I felt all inspired, we both did…So we reached for our phones..

Unfortunately for him, his phone died and ran out of charge..Lol. WHAT A BALL ACHE. It ran out of charge RIGHT WHEN HE NEEDED IT.

Mine phone didn’t…

And with a. ..

‘I’m thinking about you…I’m kinda missing ya lots…’

… at around 10.22pm

Everything in that moment felt wonderful.

 

 

 

Day 3, Hornballs & Texts

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Day 3 and i’m not looking forward to it. I had such a great night of chill, lol…that i’m sure that i’m eternally doomed for today. Yesterday got the better of me, work wise…so today i’m not expecting it to be good at all. I dread Day 3…DREAD IT! (Shit loads more days to go, on the ‘stretch.’)

Awesome night with Ruby. Awesome morning with Ruby, Spent most of last night texting from my bed sheets. (No, not that kind of texting. I’m far too old and busy to be bothered to ‘sexy text,’ But Ben and I have been trying to chat things out..and we have…and it’s been better. We’ve opened up about the things that we did wrong and the things we feel sorry for…and sorted through, the ‘what, where’s and why’s?’ It’s good for me, as i think that Ben’s a lot more closed off expressively than I am…so to actually hear him express makes a difference. Yet there’s been no real conclusion. I’m still questioning…and well when you just send a bunch of text messages…it’s not the same is it. It still feels a little awkward to me, and i don’t know why? I guess he really hurt me, which makes it hard for me to trust him…with my heart. Yet, he’s not doing anything to sort of help me to trust him..as i did notice that once again, I’m the one that’s beginning the ‘bridge build.’ He doesn’t initiate anything. But cares…)

Ugh! I hate Day 3. I don’t even want to do it. (You can tell that i’m moody about it all today, already.)

The Spanish Doctor’s been more attentive. I don’t know if he reads my blog or not, as he’s doesn’t really do social media…he’s 38 and has no children to stalk…so he feels no need to ‘snapchat’ or Facebook much.

He restarted sending me lovely, lovely messages…and like i told you, he’s great at telling me he’s thinking about me every  single day, be it long winded, or brief. He’s a very passionate soul…and gets really excited by the thought of ‘one day’ hitting the jackpot with me and getting me in his little Spanish bedsheets. As guys do…be they 19 or 109.  I think he’s great, but before all that…i need to get to know him much much better first. As I don’t really treat sex as sex, now that i’m a biddy and a mum and i firstly i don’t have time for play the field really, lol, nor tango with hook ups. I can please myself. 😉 REALLY WELL. (I’m not bad in the bedroom with boys and certainly not bad in the bedroom with myself.)

But yes, We’re both very busy and i understand his excitement and dazzle of testoterone…but he sent me a message basically saying that he couldn’t wait to ‘devour me’ (that could just mean *kissy kissy* I could be jumping the gun) and that i wouldn’t ‘escape this time. 😉 ‘ If i want to…..i will. 🙂 I’m like Catwoman, if i want to escape. I will and with trophies and a pina colada in my hand. I mean God, i’ll gallop off on a near by donkey if i have to.

But on the whole, i’m not judging him…(remember I am a girl that has sort of lived this life where i’ve had men be excited to bonk me, simply from looking at a picture, that plays to their willies) so i always get *urked* out when boys try and force sexy time  on me, without it happening naturally…which is when i want. Lol.

He’s just excited. He likes me a lot…and I get that. And i’m not intimidated by him nor am I of anything sensual. I just don’t like the romance to be taken out of things, I think? And replaced with a hornball. I like them to balance out,

So i’ll still do my second date, when i’ve done my 10 day stretch and recover as i’m off after that! Frrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee! And i’ll see how i’m feeling about the Doc. It’s almost as if i need to see him again in order to know how i feel…You always get lost in the magic on your first date. Your second date is more real. Yet i love that our dates are chill dates, because like i told you, he’s sooooo smart that we can literally sit in a room and chat all night, without the show of a dinner date, or even a dress up occasion, if i’m honest. And i like that as it skips the false part of ‘new dates’ and keeps it’s real. If i can just chill with them at home, then it helps me see a future…If i can’t…then it makes me feel like a trophy.

He’s a good guy, just needs a little bit of a cold shower. Lol He’s funny.

I watched Patti Stanger, do her Millionaire Matchmaking last night, with Sonja Morgan and Perez Hilton! That must have made rating fly through the roof. So many successful people are single! It’s strange and means it’s harder to find love the more successful you become. When they Flashbacked Sonja’s past relationship with the really young 23 year old, hotter, than hot, hot hotty…(she’s fifty something)…I sort of thought, ‘Your’e so amazing, why would you do that, as you’re worth so much more…and it was obviously not going to work out!’ But then I looked at myself and realised that’s exactly what I would probably end up doing. I’ quitting bad habits.) The Doctor looks better all of a sudden…lol.