Robot Husbands, Sex & Miracles..

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Today has been one of those ‘miracle‘ kinda days. I haven’t been able to believe the luck that i’ve had, but i’ve been so grateful for it. I was little galloping around, doing *happy* dances, to no music and total strangers…who definitely now think i’m a lunatic.

I kinda started being positive, after a couple days of feeling worried (cos we do get worried don’t we?) Yet, just like magic, with a *wangle* of a wand and a little bit of a *wink*CONSECUTIVELY amazing things just started to happen….one at a time…ALL morning and hopefully. I even had a prosecco and let my eyes ‘fill up’ a little with glee.

Things aren’t always shit. Remember that. So if you’re going through a case of ‘da blues’ and I really hope you’re not…always remember it IS TEMPORARY. 

You’ve got a whole life to live and no one to answer to.

LIVE IT!

So, I’ve got a lot of shoots lined up and it’s all really exciting. I’m writing. I’m loving the blog and well i’m a ‘show girl’ at heart, meaning shoots are my forte. I love them. I live them…I just find it really fun.

(Hang on a second…I’ve just sat on a pocket rock. No…not a ‘pocket rocket,..’ 😉 that’s a whole different blog post… Junior..The littlest Wunna in all the land…my 4 year old son…Well, he gave every WUNNA in the family a rock , a stone each. They’re ones that he had found on his journies of being Junior. We all actually carry a rock around with us, at ALL times for good luck…I’ve just sat on mine. It’s jiggery jaggery and it KILLS!) 

This morning, I posted a whole bunch of photos and a video on all my ‘socials’ on me waking up…I’m not gonna lie. I did film it yesterday to post out today. I even sent it to someone last night before it went ‘live.’ Lol.

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Image may contain: 1 person, selfie Image may contain: 1 person, selfie, phone and indoor

Anyway, before 11am (it’s now noon) on my Facebook Fanpage the video had 13,000 views. And the thing that’s been so hilarious about the video is the simple fact that it weirdly shocked people?

I post a lot of pictures…sexy ones…because they’re MY favourite. I post them…People seem to like them, they certainly engage with them and I spend my entire day replying to comments (mainly to gents) around the merry world.

I put my pictures up first and the viewers of Wunna Land, went ahead and ‘liked‘…they ‘commented…’ they ‘engaged.’ It’s always pretty fast on my Facebook..almost like fire….which leads them to a ‘click’ onto my diary, this website…so they can find out more.

But as I posted my video, it was like everything *paused* for a second…Everyone tucked their ‘willies’ back in… put on their Sunday bests, got terrified, realized that I AM actually a REAL LIFE human. and not just a picture on their news feed, or a paragraph on a blog post, that they ‘maybe’ place as some kind of ‘social fantasy….’ (Hahaha. Listen to me talking about myself like i’m some kinda Queen of the world 😉 )

…AND THEY PANICKED.

It all became very real, very quickly…and my inbox has been inundated with the weirdest messages, from people who were shocked that i’m real???

I’M SO CONFUSED?

Who’dya think writes this blog? Lol

I post my own selfies…IT IS ME?

I just thought everyone was going to adore me…Lol…Yet, everyone was more shocked, than anything. And the video’s just morning ‘wake up and stretch’ video? It’s chilled. It’s glamourous. It’s me. (It’s also on my ‘Instagram’ so you can go see it there. 🙂 🙂 Follow me too, because growing an instagram following is harder than...(‘I’ll let you fill in something hard, I can’t think of anything right now…’

But yes, record straight. I’m actually a real life person. I know! How scary! No ones even talking to me today on ‘Insta’...like Twitter…. I’ll just have to wait until the American’s wake up and throw me some..

‘Hey Honey, Love the pics.’

I don’t really have anything else to say, other than the fact that you should totally believe in miracles. I’ve had the most remarkable morning. Eat clean. I’ve been eating ‘fresher than fresh’ and it has served my body delightfully. It’s the cleanest, sexiest rush of goodness. I’m glowing.

I’m also getting really worried because y’know I told you about that woman who married the ghost pirate because he didn’t believe she would ever find a good man….Well, last week i read an article that Robot Husbands were going on sale, so we can purchase and program our futures as women.

Now, I love all social development and I adore the amazing things that the world delivers,

YET, LET’S NOT BE IDIOTS.

Let’s find our *SWAG* a second. (Yes guys, there’s Robot Wives also.)

Surely everyone knows that love isn’t about robots and programming? Surely everyone believes that in the end, they’ll find their perfect match.It’s all about fate, timing and true love. Some find it faster than others…but it’s definitely not a race. Surely everyone in the world is NOT THAT LONELY!!!

I mean can you imagine ME, in my flipping living room listening to some Robot Husband, that i’ve had to get dressed and plonk on some chair, telling me that he ‘loves’ me, whilst we enjoy a homemade skinny cocktail together and watch ‘Dancing on Ice,’ as the kids look at me like i’ve finally COMPLETELY LOST THE PLOT. I mean they’re already like..

Ruby: ‘Can’t wait until I’m married and move to LA, so you don’t moan at me for not going to bed on time.. When are we gonna have a proper family…’

Junior: ‘If you ever get a Prince…Like a real daddy…don’t let him touch your boobs, cos they’re mine.’

And then even worst….when it comes to the ‘nookie’ part of the relationship…The part that as a 37 year old I actually adore. I’m sensual by nature…

CAN YOU IMAGINE ME, HAVING TO UNDRESS MY BLOODY ROBOT, DO SEXY EYES AND BECKONS AT HIM, (whilst he just sits there spewing out his..‘yeah baby you’re hot’ lines that i’ve programmed into him

… AND THEN HAVING TO CLAMBER ON TOP OF HIM FOR SEX. YES WITH MY REAL LIFE ROBOT HUSBAND…

WHAT THE ACTUAL…

Wunna land says it’s a no go….

I even had a conversation with my chick friend ‘Jilly G’ about it..

Jilly G: ‘It’s just like a man shaped dildo.’

Me: ‘No it’s fucking not. It’s not a dildo AT ALL. It has eyes. Creepy ROBOT EYES. My dildo’s don’t have eyes? Do yours?

Jilly G: ‘No..Lol..They don’t speak either..’

Me: ‘Oh? I might have one that speaks? Haha.’

Bottom line…I’ll wait it out, marry a ghost pirate, order 100 cats and cry myself to sleep before I EVER INVEST IN A ROBOT HUSBAND.

Love you,

Chrissie x

 

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Flat Caps, Prosecco & What I Think About Love

I’m totally sat in a quiet bar filled with gentlemen in tweed flat caps and it’s amazing. You know you’re in full blown Yorkshire when that happens and you know that the ‘flat caps’ aren’t bothered about Wunna Land. They just get to tending to their simple, happy, daily routine….Oriental girls who take selfies in dressing rooms, don’t matter, unless she’s buying them an afternoon..

‘Pint of Johns, please..’

I’ve been thinking about love recently. Probably because I’ve been chatting to all my friends, be they near or far… and most of them have chosen a really different existence to mine. I adore that. I love it when people own THEIR VERSION of life.

Everyone’s starting new chapters or relighting old ones, shaking off baggage, for more suited loves and no ones seems to be going ‘solo.’ Everyone seems all loved up. It’s everywhere. It’s everywhere I look…and yes, i think it’s wonderful…BUT…

I’M JEALOUS.

(Bad way to be…)

I love, love…but here I am, sat amongst the ‘flat caps’..in a corner on my laptop…alone…with my prosecco. I’m happy…I am. Who wouldn’t be with a morning prosecco? 😉 But GOSH, i’m ready for a bit of ‘cosy,’ dream come true, perfect kinda love now. I’m 37. Whop on that piece of armour, jump on that stallion and hurry yourself to Wunna Land.

Guy friend Fox: ‘You chose a different kind of life…and well you’re just too picky..’

Me: ‘You probably shouldn’t refer to yourself as not THAT picky when you’re just got engaged. lol’

Chick Friend Tess: ‘You’re picky…I think you’re picky. But I guess…’

Me: ‘No, but obviously I get a lot of love from my socials…but that’s not real…and well, whenever I like someone…they never like me back. Or if I do, we date and then something goes wrong…’

Guy Friend Fox: ‘Do you fancy someone now…?’

Me: ‘Yes…’

Guy Friend Fox: ‘Would they know that….?’

Me: ‘Yes…’

Chick Friend Tess: ‘Then what’s the problem…’

Me: ‘ No problem…I love that you’ve assumed that he must obviously adore me…’

Chick Friend Tess: ‘He must, or he’s blind, his bits don’t work or he has no sense of humour…’

(Lol…You can always count on your girls to make you feel mighty!) 

I kinda like ‘Firmonnell’ more, because she’ll tell it to me straight with a…

‘Cry me a river and all that, Now shut ya face and crack on.’

Yet is exceedingly supportive in all that I do. All of the girls are, Double B, Fairytale, Hustle, Mel, Lady Shizzle…the lot….

But back to lurve…

To me, there are three stages to love (and i’ve nicked this off Ellen Degeneres, my girl crush, who is happily married) …there is ‘HAPPY,’ followed by ‘LOVE...,’ followed by ‘COMPLETION.’

What stage are you at?

We’ve all been happy, we’ve all been in love….yet i’m at a stage where i kinda fancy being someones ‘completion…‘ I fancy that. Doesn’t everyone…? But isn’t that saying we can’t be happy or ‘complete’ by ourselves?

Wait, i’m being ‘negatory.’

We all want different things. We all have a different’ version of ‘completion.’ It’s such a lovely phase. I definitely don’t want to be 72, alone…with all my cats…and no company..and that’s coming from one of the most independent girls, who LOVES HER OWN company.

I’m one to just happily wait around, doing life merrily, making a name, making some money, loving my kids…under the conception that fate will simply throw ‘my hero’ at me… he’ll ‘roddle‘ up from his fall, look toward me and think..

‘AAAAH BLISS. COMPLETION. The only girl I could ever share my entire life with!’

Guy friend Fox: ‘I love how you’ve just read out ‘someone’ like it can be anyone….’

Me: ‘SHUT UP LOL. I’m writing my blog! Get me a drink..’

Chick friend: ‘Do CAREER FIRST Wunna… You could’ve been a star right now, if you didn’t waste previous time on dickheads from 2000 and something past. Total planks. You’ve never been treated well enough.’

Me: ‘Get me a drink.. Ooh, my agent’s Whatsapped me.. And shush, I AM DOING CAREER. I’m loving career. *&&*&*****$£$!!’

Away from all that. I’m excited about life. More good work news came today and I’ve just signed up to THREE MORE collabo’s which you don’t have to worry about, because you will know when WUNNA LAND has shimmied into their world. I also have two more auditions. Good ones….

I currently have my

‘MAKE WUNNA YOUR SCREENSAVER..’

..competition going on. Mainly on my Facebook fanpage. You save me as your phone or laptop screensaver…inbox me the shot and you will recieve a personally photographed and signed photo from me…to you…that no one else will have…

IF YOUR SCREENSAVER MAKES TOMORROWS BLOG…

You will also WIN a VIDEO MESSAGE FROM ME.

I’m loving all the screensavers that are coming in! They’re great and i’m rubbish at running comps and being able to deal with it all. But i want to interact with you all more and bring you into my world. My diary. This diary.

I’m getting lots of SOCIAL LOVE. It is so hard to keep up with all the replying, but i’m trying my best and only replying to my ‘comments’ or any current screensaver inbox pics.

Replying is so difficult when it comes in MASS LOADS, cos part of me can’t find the time…without being on my phone all day…yet that is kinda my job. …so what am I moaning about? Then I don’t want anyone to feel ‘left out,’ so I don’t want to only reply to some and not them all…It’s all very tragic. Lol…

Kinda makes me need prosecco.

But I appreciate the love…

Here are some of the pics you’ve missed, if you haven’t been following my Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter or Instagram…

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Image may contain: 1 person, standing and phone

One of my good guy friends, who plays,..’London Business Man‘ in this merry little blog, is currently messaging me and giving me a lecture on ‘nudity.’ Followed with a..

‘Listen, I think you look mind blowing. You know that.I completely fancy you.  So I’m not judging you…but…/Don’t even give me the, i’ve got a jumper on line…’

I don’t need a lecture. I’m a grown up. I think my pics are great. I wave the flag for womanhood and for women being MORE CONFIDENT, in ANY WAY WE CHOOSE….And technically, if you can’t see a jumper, then SIR, you are simply BLIND.

LECTURE OVER.

FYI/ Dear any future friends or  ‘Completions…’ You have to be okay with Wunna Land, or I will rebel and not like you.

Hurrah!

Happy Tuesday!

Chrissie! x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship, Fights & The Backroom Leeds

Just the most amazing time in the city last night. I cherished, good times. No! Great times…with the people who I will always regard as my absolute closest . (Until I’m a superstar and never speak to them again. 😉 We’re like family and I’ve honestly had a great 2017 because of them.

I love the little swines and i’m really really lucky. I mean, not many people, in my position or way of life have a close bundle of friends, that the can trust and rely on. I do! We’re all really different from one another, yet each add a certain spice to the pot. If you have a problemo, a secret, a love….you’ll know which friend in the group to turn to…and in their own magical way, over cocktails, a cuddle, a whatsapp message, a warm dinner, a new set of heels, or a tissue….they’ll be right by your side, picking up the pieces.

I’m currently in Ego, Ackworth, sat infront of a huge mirror, with a half of Fosters, writing this blog….

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I adore a good mirror seat. One where it looks like I have my back to you, but I can see EVERYTHING.  My vanity gets the better of me. Yes. I’ll admit that. However, I also love the stories that mirrors tell. I’ve watched women with party hats and light up Christmas jumpers wander behind me. Business men. Families. Lone Rangers with quiet pints. Grown adults in weird Elf hats. Girls all a gossiping. And awkward humans on first dates. I love a mirror in the midst of a ‘busy bustle.’ It’s always so magical. Always so glamourous.

But anyway, last night I was out in the city…

As the story goes, the day turned to night. I had had a somewhat stressful day of ‘rushy.’ I HATE RUSHING. I’m a glamour puss. I do things in my own manner, with my own panache and at my own pacing. Not yesterday though. Fuck. I dashed to three cities, running errands, doing meetings, making sure Ruby & Junior were enjoying every inch of their Christmas holidays. I had a deadline. I needed to be ready. Then after the fastest totter, a warm bath, placing my phone on charge and a slip into my silver sequinned dress from the Kourtney Kardashian line for Pretty Little Thing….I dashed out the door, twinkled through the night sky, jumped in a taxi..

Driver: ‘I’m sure I’ve driven you around before. I remember your voice.’

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And Whatsapped ‘Double B’ with a…

‘I’m 3 mins away from yours…’

We drank wine out the bottle, all the way to ‘Firmonnells,’

Double B: ‘How many people do you reckon you’ve slept with?’

Me: ‘Why are they like cardboard cut outs?’

Double B: ‘They’re just Vanilla..’

(I once referred to one of my exes as ‘vanilla.’ He was in a boyband and I’d just come off a tv show for ITV2.  To this day he says I apparently broke his heart? However, surely if you say ‘I don’t want us to be together anymore Chrissie because I’m gay’ that would mean that no hearts were broken in the process. Well, maybe my heart? 😉

He said he loved me madly, yet never messaged me when we broke up because he didn’t know what to say. I just took that as ‘oh he doesn’t care’ and I was fine with that. You can’t MAKE someone love you. You can MAKE someone care about you. Yet ‘true love’ is a whole different potion. If they feel you in their spirit….they will always find their way back to you.

Yiddley Doooooooo!

Anyway, Double B and I apologized to the driver for making him listen to our sexy girl banter AAALLLLLL the way to ‘Firmonnells.’ Yet he assured us he LOVED IT.

Driver: ‘It’s made my night girls.’

We were joined by ‘Fairytale Blond’ and a bit of ‘Mama Sally.’ We did wee’s, drank prosecco, borrowed jackets, exchanged gold clutches and found ourselves on our way to Leeds city centre…our city….yet via THE SINGLE MOST AMAZING train station ever. I’ve never travelled from Garforth before. THEY SERVED BOTTLE PROSECCO, IN BOUJI PLASTIC CHAMPAGNE FLUTES, THROUGH A WINDOW ON THE ACTUAL PLATFORM!!! I know!!! It’s absolute BLISS! All you have to do is buy a bag of crisps with it (because you are only allowed booze with food) and you’re plain sailing and en route to Leeds, with a happy prosecco jiggle.

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With our drinks, in our dresses, with our heels in place and whilst the girls decided to MAKE FUN of my WONDERFUL peacock phone cover.

Double B: ‘What the fuck is that!!’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s fucking horrible.’

Me: ‘SHUT UP! The loveliest phone man gave it to me FOR FREE today, for a selfie, you dicks! I love it!!’

(It’s a golden peacock with diamante studs and multi coloured gems scattered throughout its tail. Lol I actually really do LOVE IT. They despise it and think it looks tacky, because they’re ‘haters’ and can’t handle my glamourisms. They even made a guy on the train tell me that he hated it too! Haha! What dicks)

Anyway within a second we pulled into Leeds, they’re all running like wild women to meet the rest of the group, and i’m trying to catch up, as i’m spilling my prosecco all over me and some guy in a hat with chatting to me about…can’t even remember really? If Santa was a chimney sweeper, it would be him. He was lovely!

Long story short. All met up at a train station bar…who wouldn’t let everyone in because they had reached capacity. It was THAT BUSY. The rest of the girls joined the group and the boys joined us also. Then through the busy city streets, we all walked up ‘hand in hand’ to Backroom Leeds, as ‘Firmonnell’ and I tried to decide if we were actually lesbians?

Me: ‘But I really DO fancy Ellen Degeneres.’

Firmonnell: ‘But what about when you need a penis in you after they’ve…’

The Backroom was great! It’s a small decadent, ‘speakeasy’ bar on Call Lane. Plays the best music. Has a private outdoor terrace. And we had the whole downstairs floor/bar, to ourselves, as our own. It was just for us, our whole group and that was that.

The night was AMAZING.

Slowly but surely, everyone we knew trickled in, piece by piece, a wink at time, the boys in shirts, the girls in short dresses and heels. We love to glam it up…so each ‘trickle’ was dressed to the nines, straight to the bar and with ‘good time’ glint in their eyes. It’s always great when it’s just us, because anything goes, no one will judge and we can all pretty much surrender to the art of celebrating life, the year and friendship….. in the most pissed fashion, forget to eat the yummiest finger food and with all the free drinks that our tokens will allow us.

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We danced, we flirted, we booty popped, we ‘dutty wined,’ we let loose, we turned wild, we snapchatted, we kissy cheeked, we all thought we were sexier than we probably were and we DRANK….we fucking DRANK! Hustle Barbie fell on the floor AGAIN…took ‘Fairytale’ and ‘Double B’ with her. Lol

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Hustle Barbie: ‘It’s my new thing.’

Cuddles and kisses and sequins and hip hop tracks.

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Mood lighting, shots, hair tosses and fresh air terraces.

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Gossips, lies, drama and whispers….

At one point i think my whole entire top fell down for a second, due my excessive booty dance routine. I have no booty, so I have to really work at the back shimmie. Caused boobies to fall out because my dress was too big…Nobody cared. They loved it.

Me: ‘What! It’s because i’m a VEGGIE NOW. I’ve lost weight, but it’s come off my FLIPPING BOOBS!’

Webbo & Jonsez & Dipper & New Boys! They were all really lucky, because we chicas has already hit ‘good time’ and wine bottles, so like props we used the boys for flirts and dance floor swizzles. Hot new faces kept appearing out of nowhere. I backed up and a hot face was behind me. I walked forward and another new hot face greeted me. I even got a cheeky bum grab. (I love a bum grab at 30 something. It’s naughty. It’s fun. It’s a good way to get me to notice you….and he was REALLY HOT. Super handsome.)

Lots of ‘Hollyoaks’ style drama occurred last night. It went from whisper to whisper, to confrontations, to verbal fights. It went from learnt lessons, to hearts breaking, to no judgements and personality clashes. It went from stories told, to secrets revealed and tests of friendships and truth telling.

‘You can sleep with who you want to sleep with. I don’t give a shit! Own it.’

‘Why is she blanking me. I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘This is ridiculous!’

‘Yeah…I already knew that. We all did!’

‘I just love her and I don’t stand a fucking chance.’

‘Just stay away from me. Don’t come near me. What do you think you’re…’

‘Who told you that??’

‘You need to man up…’

‘You else do you fancy?’

‘He’s done now…’

‘I’m leaving. This is fucked up.’

‘If she comes up to me again, whilst i’m trying to talk to you…I’m gonna..’

‘Don’t judge people on shit…Whocares..’

‘I can’t deal with this. Do you want a shot?’

‘She won’t even speak to me now.’

‘I don’t care what you’ve done…’

‘You’re beautiful. Am I stalking you?’

‘This is the last time i’ve ever going to get to dance with you…’

‘You’re new. You’re hot. Are you on Insta?’

‘Who does she think she is!!!’

‘How is this ALL MY FUCKING FAULT.’

[Echo….Echo…Echo….Echo….]

*STOP*

And even though all of the snippets above occurred, this is what I noticed…I noticed that  every single one of us were close. That every single one of us chose to prioritise ‘good times’ over drama. We danced, we laughed, we gave zero fucks. I noticed that in the end, enjoying our friendships with each other, is what we chose to make matter…and THAT is what makes us a family. (Moderately dysfunctional…but s….we’re fly. 😉 )

The clock struck 3am. Time flew by us. We didn’t even realise how fast it has flown!

‘AS IF IT’S 3AM!!! WTF!’

‘Don’t leave…come back..’

‘Come to Fibre with me…’

‘Get in my Uber.’

‘Don’t leave me..’

I had stayed in the private section at Backroom ALL NIGHT, so I didn’t actually realise how busy the place has got upstairs. I walked up to the open air terrace holding Double B’s hand…and it was RAMMED. It was MENTAL.

A guy stopped me with a,

‘Are you Chrissie Wooonaaa?’

‘Yeah…yeah…why?’

‘Do you remember me…?’

‘Jake?’

(I didn’t know if it was Jake… 🙂 )

Yet the crowd took us into different directions and as I sat on the terrace, chatting to ‘Double B,’ under the night stars…(I’m doing a lot of the night stars of recent, aren’t I..)

I watched Jonesez look at me, with all the heartbreak of the world in his eyes…as he stood up off, from the side of the terrace and walked away slowly, with his head all a muddle….

It snowed today…which means there’s magic in the air….

All I know about life is that there are MORE UPS, than there are downs. More GOOD TIMES, than there are bad. And that ANYTHING can happen in a moments wink of an eye….Dreams come true. Life is only has hard as you make it.

It’s the ones of us who can ‘surf that crest.’ The ones of us who stand by what we love and believe is right, for OUR OWN VERSION of existence that get the most out of the world and what’s on offer.

I’ll remember these people for the rest of my life….

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In FIVE DAYS….FOR ME…..

EVERYTHING CHANGES…..

Chrissie x

 

Leeds, German Markets, The Homeless & Idiots!!

Literally the best weekend ever. It’s been filled to the brim with life, glamourousity, family, Christmas excitement and a raw reality that keeps all humans balanced.

I tinkered into my weekend after a really busy work week, where I wasn’t ‘Double B’s best life line…

Double B: ‘I have no clue where I am??? There’s a bush, some water and a metal pole. I’m by some nurseries??? Where do I go??’

If you know me, you will know that I have NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. I have no clue where anything is. I can’t walk there. I can’t drive there. I’ll find it in the end, because i’m a natural survivor…Yet let me tell you, it’s a jolly old ball ache. Geography was not my best subject. Luckily, ‘Double B’ is as rubbish at choosing ‘life lines’ as I am and unfortunately called ME, for the answer to her ‘Where am I’ needs.

Me: ‘Don’t get stressed. It’s fine. Calm down. Do you need me to sing to you? Shall I sing to you…I don’t think ya ready, for this jeellly, I don’t think ya ready, for this..’

Double B: ‘There’s a metal pole. I might hit myself with it…Ask Hustle….NOW!!! I’m by some nursery!!!’

Early through the week, ‘Firmonnell’ who is getting thinner and blonder each day and has the most adorable husband ‘Big D,’ who leaves her champagne and fresh cut flowers, before he flies to Barcelona for the weekend with his guy friends, decided to hunt around a building…no…that’s wrong, an ‘ENGINE ROOM’ trying to catch people having sex.

Firmonnell: ‘I don’t know?? It was just in m head. It was creepy. I just couldn’t stop imagining catching people having sex in the engine room???’

Me: ‘What, in that cupboard?’

Fimonnell: ‘NO. The engine ROOM.’

(Cos everybody knows what that is? Lol And one of the beings, that she thought she would find, in her very creative imagination, had just been to Greggs. I saw them with my own very eyes…. So they would definitely be ‘doing it’ with a bacon sandwich in their hand. It’s like the Yorkshire version of ‘Fifty Shades.’ They’ll even stamp ya card afterwards…)

But yes, I rolled into my weekend with beams and smiles, because my Saturday IS ALL about Mummy, Ruby and Junior time. And BOY, did we have a time.

No alarm!

We woke up at the crack of dawn in a fox onesie, a Paw Patrol onesie and one that resembles a Happy Unicorn and within a moments flash, we were showered, changed, (I had a coffee and a Little Mistress faux fur bundled around me,) as we tickled and giggled into a car and *winked* a train into a busy Leeds City Centre.

Believe it or not, neither Ruby nor Junior have ever been on a train before. Well, so they say. Ruby’s actually been on a train to London lots of times. When she tiny and single mummying was hardcore, I used to have to take her with me, with my Mum to appearances and work.

Bottom line, they were both so excited BY LITERALLY EVERYTHING…and it was so sweet because their excitement was infectious. Middle aged ladies and young girls were chatting to them and laughing with them…The train was rammed. It was SO BUSY. But the most lovely lady had saved the children and I seats, just so they could sit down, through all the madness and the bustle. It meant a lot to me. I thanked her profusely.

The rest of the day, (well we were in the City Centre by 10am,) was nothing short of magic. We did everything and anything. We did life. It beamed from us, as we made the city our own. There was buzz in the air. An energy. And as we sauntered through the morning city centre streets of Leeds, Christmas was all around us.

We visited the Candy Mechanics ‘Edible Selfie Station’ where the babies had their faces turned into designer chocolate lollipops, we shopped at Smiggle, we picked out toys, we wrote ‘Dear Santa’ letters, we bought Boba Tea drinks (a Boba tea is one of my favourite non boozy choices, incase you didn’t know) …Our Boba Tea bar of choice was ‘Bubbleology,’ we almost ventured to the cinema, but decided against it, simply because we didn’t want to be stuck inside for hours…and then we grabbed a quick lunch at Yo Sushi. (The one at  Trinity Leeds.)

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The pure and utter absolute excitement on their faces, as sushi and sashimi plated delights, sloooooooowly, glided past them on the magical electronical conveyor belt, as they chatted to the chef was…it was just so fulfilling. (So, I celebrated with a wine. 😉 ) We were treated really well in there and I appreciated that. Ruby tried a little bit of everything.  She has an exquisite palette for a six year old. She adores sushi on the whole… Junior chose the closest thing he could get to fish fingers and chips, by picking out the fish tempura and Japanese salted fries. Lol

Junior: ‘I think I prefer the chips at Mcdonalds..’

But we had a blast. It was amazing.

At that point, we were meant to go home. But I guess, home wasn’t ready for us JUST yet, as we found ourselves hand in hand, walking up to Millennium Square, to the German Market, to celebrate Christmas. Ruby was armed with warm roasted chestnuts and Junior with a cup of sweetcorn. It was so busy, we even got lost. Lol. (Told you i’m rubbish at directions.) I had to call Pete (Ruby’s Dad) to tell me the quickest route to Millennium square. Lol

Pete: ‘Where are you?’

Me: ‘By the Victoria Quarter. I’m passing Harvey Nic’s and Louis Vuitton is on my right. Do I just..’

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Pete: ’…Walk straight up and turn left at the cross road. It’s behind The Light. As if Ruby’s agreed to walk that far. Lol’

And with a blink, we were there, immersed in the magic of a Christmas wonderful land, with fairground rides, mulled wine cabins, hand made Christmas gifts, giant snow globes, merriment, warm fires and just life at it’s finest. Everyone there seemed to be having the most wonderful time…so we went with the mode and embraced it. We went on rides. I did mulled wine, they did hot chocolates, we rescued Rudolph…I don’t think they could believe their little Christmas eyes?

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It was  a swirl of utter merriment. They threw their heads back with laughter. We chatted to pretty much everyone. We sang. We danced down the street. We won teddies. It was almost like everyone around us had committed to having a ‘good time.’ Even the security guard winked at Junior, and told him that his ear piece and walkie talkie was his direct line to Santa. Lol.

He just gazed at him, with his mouth wide open and is face filled with glee. I’ll always remember that face, because one day he won’t be four anymore. He’ll be a grown ass man. But no matter how old he gets…i’ll always be able to see that face in him.

It was still day time, but the air was getting nippier and the day was beginning to turn to night…so I thought i better get them home, even though it was early. Ruby’s nose had turned pink with fun and the open air and they were both still so excited that they needed a lull, a calm, a peace, to warmly settle down to. We were skipping all the way back to the train station. I had bags full of all sorts and they both had giant rainbow slinky’s in their hands, that they had  just won on ‘Hook a duck.’

Ruby: ‘MUM! YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME HOOK IT!!!!’

Junior: ‘I can’t hooker it!!’

The streets were now the busiest streets in all the land…People bustled past, with bags of shopping galore. Leeds was now ALIVE.

The streets were filled with posh couples, teens, students, business men, hip hop clicks, buskers….families…the lot! It was MADNESS!! Delight had fizzled from the air and ‘BUSY’ had taken over. I had all the bags over my wrists, as I held the kids hands tightly and guided them through the crowds….We were gonna go to Gino’s for tea, but I just needed to get them home…

Then Ruby stopped….

Everything stopped.

It was like we had been hurtling through the crowds at a hundred miles an hour, just going with the flow of the bustle, trying to get to the end of the tunnel. She ‘emergency braked’ me.

Me: ‘What’s the matter?’

Ruby: ‘I’ve just got some change left from Hook a Duck…Shall I go give it to that guy?’

(She looks behind us to show me a gentleman, who was sat on the pavement asking for change, with an empty Greggs cup in front of him.)

Junior was already pulling his way towards the guy. (He’s a wild one is Junior. He’ll always do what he wants. Ruby…no she’s older… will always ask.)

Me: ‘Yeah! Absolutely! That’s a great idea. Let’s go see him.’

And we did. We walked back to him, with smiles and a warmth and as he looked up at us, he beamed.

‘Hi, I’m Chrissie…’

‘I’m Junior..’

‘I’m Ruby. What’s your name?’

‘I’m John.’

She looked straight into his eyes, grabbed his hand and placed £2.70 in it.

Now, the next 20 minutes of life, were the most MOVING minutes for me EVER, to the point where I actually filled up with tears  and sat down, on the pavement next to John, to chat.

During these 20 MINUTES, I was the PROUDEST MOTHER ON THIS ENTIRE EARTH. Words cannot even describe to you, how proud I was of my children. I filled up because I couldn’t express how I felt at the time. It was that overwhelming.

Me: ‘I’m sorry i’m crying.’

Ruby: ‘She never cries…’

Here’s snippets of our 20 minutes. There is the heaviest bustle on the Leeds streets. I’m not sat on the pavement with bags of shopping around me, next to John, who is homeless and Ruby and Junior are stood directly in front of him chatting to him….The moment was so magical that the city bustle blurred into the background, almost as if we were cut away in our own little bubble.

Junior: ‘Why dya need money?

John: ‘For food and to buy things that’ll keep me warm.’

Ruby: ‘Are you homeless?’

John: ‘Yes.’

Junior: ‘But why don’t you have a box?’

John: ‘Haha. Aww…I don’t have a box.’

Ruby: ‘Where have you got that bag from?’

John: ‘I bought it, with the money people gave me.. It’s got a change of clothes in it..’

Ruby: ‘Have you seen what we’ve won on Hook a Duck??’

Junior: ‘I can’t work mine.’

John, who is beaming with smiles at this point and probably one of the most eloquent speakers, I had spoken to in weeks, gently looks at Junior and puts out his hand, to see if he’d like help, with his Slinky.

John: ‘I used to have one when I was a kid. You know, if you put them at the top of the stairs, they tumble down them.’

He took Juniors hands and he showed him how to balance the slinky. They were all laughing and filled with an absolute comfort.

Junior: ‘Why don’t you just phone you’re mum? Whenever i’m in trouble. I just get my mum.’

John: ‘My Mum didn’t want me home. That’s why i’m out here. You have a lovely Mum.’

Then he began to explain homelessness to them. I watched him talk to my children and the way he told them the story was beautiful, because it was real, yet he acknowledged that they were six and four and therefore delivered it to them, in an almost ‘fairytale’ fashion. It was so moving.

They asked questions about his life, where he sleeps, how he ended up on the streets, what will make him better…all sorts… There was a dignity to John. He never felt sorry for himself. He told them the facts, then showed them the facts….

‘Watch…’

And as the children stood to one side, (and do know that my kids are used to walking into places and having everyone fuss over them,) he started to ask the busy people passing by, who were inches away from him… for change.

Junior watched EVERY SINGLE PERSON walk straight by John. He watched every single human, not even turn to look towards him. He watched grown mummies and daddies, pull their children away from him and he watched people look towards John, yet pretend he wasn’t even there.

Now, I know my son and he was astonished. He looked uncomfortable. He didn’t even know what to think? He had no clue why everyone was ignoring him. It really made him FEEL. His eyes told a story, in that moment.

Junior: ‘You’re not saying it loud enough. Look. Watch.’

And Junior starts pointing at random people and aggressively shouting,

‘MONEY PLEASE!!!! YOU! MONEY!!’

People looked…. and everyone walked on by.

The kids are now sat around him and  merrily playing with their rainbow slinkies, like the happiest children in the world.

I began talking to John. He asked me about my life and I asked him about his….

So John was newly homeless. He was clean. He was dressed normally. He used to have a full time job, that he lost because the company he worked for went under. He survived with what money he had saved, but couldn’t get another job and missed two payments of rent. The apartment complex that he used to live in…is BOUJI.

He got evicted and had to move back in with his parents. His parents are heavily religious, and didn’t agree with the way he had been living his life….so kicked him out onto the streets. They don’t speak to him. They have nothing to do with him.

Two missing pay cheques changed his LIFE.

Everyone walked past this man like he was invisible. Like he wasn’t even human, wasn’t even there. Not one person in that 20 minutes through him a penny, a look or a smile. John has a DEGREE. He’s expressive. He’s speaks so eloquently. He’s well mannered. He an intellect. He so emotionally and mentally sound that he looked at me and said,

‘Don’t worry. I’m fine. I really am. I know this city like the back of my hand. I’m just learning a new version of it. 🙂  Once I get a job. I’ll be able to turn it all around. I’ll do it. I’m not meant to be here. It’s just circumstance.’

Me: ‘You know tough times are just temporary right? And that tough people are forever…I’ve been exactly where you are! I don’t know what I can even do to help you? How will I ever find you again? Like, do you sit here often, or? I won’t even be able to contact you? I don’t even know how…’

John: ‘How did you get out of it??? Infact, I can tell you how to can help me….All I’ve been wanting to know FOR AGES and I hope you don’t mind me asking, is what time it is and what day it is…?’

Ruby: ‘John. Y’know, if you go down there a bit, there’s swings and wine and stuff…It’s Christmas…’

I pull my phone out…

Me: ‘It’s 2.49pm…and It’s Saturday. It’s November the 18th.’

He looked me directly in the eyes and HE began to fill up. That meant so much to him. It was crazy.

John: ‘I used to be so scheduled. I used to moan about it all the time. I have no clue where i’m gonna go or what i’m gonna do, but just knowing what time it is and what day it is feels good…’

That was it then…I could’ve burst into tears, but I didn’t.

Ruby: ‘Do us a video mum!!!’

Me: ‘I’m a blogger. Do you mind if we take your picture and post it…’

John: ‘Gosh, yeah, course you can. The fact that anyone would even ask to take my picture, has made me feel ten feet tall. Lol.’

(He straighten his hair a bit. 🙂 )

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The kids loved him, chatted to him more, they played with the flipping slinkies endlessly and it soon began to get really nippy. The air was cold! Really cold.

Me: ‘I’m gonna have to get the kids back home now.’

John: ‘It was lovely meeting you Chrissie.’

Me: ‘ Y’know…I walked straight past you. Ruby stopped me to and asked if she could give you change.’

John: ‘It’s what happened next that mattered….You’re such a great family.’

Junior: ‘I love you John.’

(Junior hugs him.)

Ruby: ‘Me Too’

(Ruby dives on him and hugs him too…)

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We gather up our bags and as I walk away with the babies holding onto each hand, I look back at him before I leave and simply say,

‘Look after yourself mate…’

He smiles as we walk away….

Then as life goes on, the bustle got heavier….John went back to asking for change and we managed to get caught up and rammed into a giant gang of ‘Furries’ all high fiving Junior as they passed..

Junior: ‘Whoa!!! What’s going on?? What is this place?’

Me: ‘Let’s get home kids!’

 

As some of you will know. Last night, I posted the pictures of my day on Facebook… I posted the pictures that Ruby & Junior had taken with John. I was DEFINITELY a PROUD PROUD Mum, but I didn’t think too much of posting the pics? I do it all the time…

HOLY SHIT!

All my inboxes filled up within seconds. People were making comments. My phone was ringing and this was as my website email was pinging away…MADLY.

The majority of the comments, I’d say 80 percent of them where filled with love, glistened in a positive warmth, dashed with kind words and support from my friends…

Then 10 percent of them were EVIL. I got called a ‘Bad Mum.‘ A ‘Stupid fucking mum.’ I got called an ‘Attention whore.’ I got called ‘fake.‘ I got called an ‘Idiot.’ People were really rude to me. People shouted at me online for letting my children hug a homeless person, because he was unwashed? Some people tried to turn the moment into a some kind of ‘Wunna stunt…’

And in that moment, I realized how narrow minded and judgmental people still were. It shocked me. I’m not by any means naive. I’m sassy. I didn’t think I would have to explain the actual situation to grown adults or justify it to fools. You should be ashamed of yourself for not being able to feel or see compassion. It makes you blind. It makes YOU the problem.

I didn’t at all, FOR ONE SECOND think that posting photos of Ruby & Junior hugging John would cause such an alarm? However, i’m concentrating on the positive responses, because unlike the weird 10 percent…I’m not an idiot.

So what I’ll say is that I am thoroughly grateful to all of you who stuck up for Wunna Land, voiced your opinion and showed the kids some love. They deserved it. ALL of you! It means a lot. (Kate you were awesome.) The support is always wonderful. That 80 percent of you ARE THE PERCENT that make a difference.

Chrissie x

 

 

Biology, Ice Rinks & Prada

I definitely sat in a room today, with each one of my girl besties and took part in what I would call a somewhat glamourous ‘biology class.’ ou would never have thought that I was the product of not ONE but TWO Doctors, as Biology, has certainly never been a forte of mine. However, now..I feel much better, because the rest of my chicks friends are even more SHOCKING, when it comes to the rules of science.

So in the group….Some of us have had babies. Some of us… have not. I noticed that the ones who haven’t quite yet produced ‘Mini Mes’, didn’t know how or where babies come from? Lol. Yes, they’re all grown twenty something adults. 🙂 Glamour Pusses, to be exact. All ambitious. All driven. All hard working.

It went a bit like this..

‘Well, they say that if you have a baby later on in life, you’re more likely to have a boy, because more girls are produced by accident.’

‘Wait! So girls are becoming extinct???’

‘No, You’re just more likely to have a boy.’

‘Yeah, but in school we learnt about the X/X chromosomes and the x/y chromosomes, which would mean…’

‘I didn’t learn that in school…’

‘Wait, so I can only get pregnant, two days of the month?’

‘It’s weird how people just fall pregnant after a one night stand…’

‘You’re period has to be regular…’

‘Well i had an ovulation app…and i lived by it…’

‘Where do babies actually come from… Like i don’t actually know??’

‘Yeah, but Double B isn’t on the pill and she…’

‘She never has sex…’

‘It’s SCIENCE! OBVS!’

Then we quit playing ‘biology,’ as we had better things to do with our time. (Surprisingly.)

Mel decided that she needed to see a Doctor and an Optician all in the space of three hours, incase she had a brain tumour.

Mel: ‘Fucking’ell. I don’t want an injection in my eye. I’m having to go to Pinders tomorrow! Is it normal for Opticians to touch you?’

Me: ‘What d’ya mean, touch you? Lol. They do get close to your face.’

Fairytale: ‘They have too!’

Mel: ‘He was fit anyway…It’s just a bit weird that…’

 

Then ‘Fairytale’ and ‘Hustle Barbie’ decided to indulge in Kurt Geiger boot drama.

Fairytale: ‘These aren’t as comfy as they were in the shop.. I just wanna go home me…’

Hustle: ‘Well yeah, because everyone else has tried them on in the shop. I just need good boot for Budapest on Saturday.’

And ‘Firmonnell,’ ….my very best chica ‘Firmonnell’…dyed her hair pink. 🙂

(Haaaaa H’HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! What an idiot!)

Nothing makes me more delighted, than the fact that she tried to dye her OWN HAIR BLOND and instead she managed to lift her pretty head up from the sink and find that it was PINK. (Well, I say pink. No. She says PINK. It’s not pink. It just glows pink from a blondish head of hair.)

‘IT’S PINK! It’s fucking PINK.’

‘It’s really not.’

‘I thought i’d just go to sleep, let the world take a turn and wake up in the morning to see if i’d like the colour. I laid in bed for about 3 minutes and like a lunatic was back in the mirror to see if it had magically changed colour. If Double B was here, she’d tell me the truth. She’d tell me that I looked like i sold…’

Moderately dramatic. Yet, I love it when she’s all drama and evil. That’s why we ALL get along. ‘Firmonnell’ and I are on a really good banter stream with each other right now. Our banter, cannot even be competed with.

Firmonell: ‘Ooh, it makes me feel so good! I can feel the evil running through…’

Me: ‘…my soul.’

Anyway, fifty little pounds later and a £90 cancelled booking, ‘Big D’ (her delightful husband, who was probably sick of her moaning) had found her a trip to a rather bouji hairdressers, to change her life ‘back to blond.’ I love ‘Big D’ for that. He scores HIGH in the ‘Husband stakes.’He’s doing EVERYTHING RIGHT, right now. Where’s my ‘Big D???’ Wait! Hahaha. That sounds so rude!

Yipppeee!!!

Then I got bored and started Googling Prada. Shoes to be exact. Not because I particularly need any. Just simply because it makes the world a safer place. We’re committing to all things that makes us happy, right? Like the mesmerizing glow of the Dior makeup stand in ALL department stores…scrolling through the Prada or Jimmy Choo website….just makes me happy.

Then our guy friend ‘Jonesez’ who definitely needs to find himself a girlfriend, decided to make loving assumptions, as he carefully strutted passed each one of us, with caution. (He’s like a thoughtful, annoying, little brother to us all. But we love him madly because he buys us sweets.)

To Fairyatle: ‘Can I have some of your lip balm? It’ll be like we’ve kissed then.’

(Reply: Why are you so weird?)

To Me: ‘Yeah. I’ll definitely go ice skating with you. It’ll be like we’re on a date.’

(Reply: It’s not a date dude.)

To Hustle: ‘I thought you said *give head* then.’

(Reply:  *BLANK*   )

He’s such a Love Bunny. He can’t even help it! He’s cute! 🙂 To be fair. He’s a nuisance. But he’s fun and probably one of the most thoughtful boys ever.  We love him really.

But away from all that. I’m really busy. I’m trying to book a stay at a Forest Cabin, for the week before Christmas. For Ruby, Junior, my Mum, Dad..you get the picture. The Wunna’s.

I’ll also have a birthday around that time. I’ll be blogging from the cabin, through that week. It’s one of my favourite places. I haven’t booked it just yet. But I’ve been chatting back and forth with Forest Holidays all day today, because the cabin that I wanted is so popular, that it’s already booked up.

Firmonnell: ‘You can’t just have people chucked out of a cabin for you. Lol.’

Me: ‘ No. I know.I’m not trying to… I just…STOP TRYING TO RAIN ON MY PARADE!! Lol.’

I’m also trying to find a place where I can ‘open air’ ice skate during the festive months? Have Millennium Square in Leeds stopped doing the open air ice skating thing or something? I wanna go with the kids. I wanna go with my friends. I need it in my life and it’s nowhere to be found?

I was under the fond misconception, that it always appeared, as soon as the whole German Market affair tinkered to light? I’m wrong! I’ve fantasized about ‘open air,’ Christmas ice skating, in Leeds. Now, my dreams are shattered. 🙂

How can I have a ‘open air’ ice skating birthday, if there isn’t anything to skate on?

‘No! I don’t want to go to an ice rink. It has to be OPEN AIR!!!!’

(Lol. I’m feeling quite high maintenance today. I’m flipping demanding cabins, Prada and ice skating rinks. It’s the girls, they’ve evoked my inner Diva.)

But yes, it’s a busy time of merriment for me, or any blogger really, right now. I’m headed into such a fun season. It’s my favourite season and it’s so much better than Summer, because there’s an emotional warmth to Christmas isn’t there?

It’s not just a bikini pout, a poolside sun lounger and a instagram pic of you and an inflatable flamingo. There’s a magic to this season. A real magic. And this magic meanders around, until every single one of us, smiles and enjoys a warm apple cider, tinsel dripped December.

It’s that ‘magic’ that makes us feel good and when we feel good…. we can conquer the world!

Shocking Phone Calls, Sex & Life

What is going ON! Honestly! What IS MY LIFE!

So today, probably one of the most boring days ever. No. Boring’s the wrong word. ‘Frustrating’ is a better choice of ‘ding dong.’ Work happened. I did the majority of Thursday with ‘Fairytale Blond.’ She wasn’t the frustrating part. I mean THANK GOD she was part of my Thursday, as LORD KNOWS, what I would’ve done, without her.

Let’s just say, it was one of those days where in which you are doing the things that you HAVE TO DO, rather the things YOU WANT OR LOVE TO DO! You know, how much I hate that. That’s not how I live my life. It even gave ‘Hustle Barbie’ an itch. UGH! It was so frustrating. I almost BEGGED to for freedom or excitement.

Oh yeah..I did…Didn’t I!!!

Midday, I look down at my phone. It’s flashing at me and a name popped up on my screen. I always keep my phone on silent, so it never EVER rings out loud. I’m always alerted by a simple ‘pop up’ of a name or a notification.

11.48am My phone flashes at me… There’s a name flashing at me, as they call into Wunna Land.

I couldn’t answer it because I was on another line and busy. But I saw the name and wondered why they were calling?

11.49am. My phone flashes AGAIN…and the same name pops up?

This isn’t someone who would really ever call me in such a manner. I was kinda puzzling. But didn’t think too much of it. I simply text back stating that i’d give them a call back because I was busy. They then explained WHY they had made the calls. Again. Didn’t think too much of it.

I just got on with my day…

I watched ‘Hustle Barbie’ revive her ‘Bald Dave’ (who’s a virgin, but funny) crush.

Fairytale Blond: ‘No. I’m not feeling it.’

Hustle Barbie: ‘WHY!!’

Fairytale: ‘He’s just an escape route. I felt that when I was with James. I was kidding myself. AND it’s weird that he’s a virgin. Like would you really go around telling everyone that you’re a 30 year old virgin. Lol’

Hustle: ‘It’s not like he has it on a tshirt and tells everyone. Lol. It’s not like his introductory welcome. I know people, who know him, who tell me.’

Me: ‘Hi, I’m Bald Dave. I’ve never had sex and i’m 30. Yay!’

Me: ‘You can’t judge how good he is at sex, until you’ve had sex with him. Some people look great and are rubbish in bed. Others look rubbish at it, but are AMAZING. Plus, you can’t let him disobey God for you. You might not fancy him afterward. Lol Then he’ll be heartbroken.’

Jonesez: ‘I hate bad sex. The more you feel for someone the better the sex is.’

Me: ‘That’s not ALWAYS true!!!’

Then I relived a ‘YEARS AGO’ Ben story and ‘Fairytale’ just pissed herself laughing and stamped it with a…

‘Chrissie! I honestly don’t know what you were even THINKING! HAHAH!

Laughter & Banter filled the air, and talks on how good people were in the bedroom occurred.

Then life went back to dull and as frustration and boredom kicked back in, I once again scanned the room for any form of excitement!

Everything DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG, until I had a six ‘o clock rant with Jonsez. We needed a vent. A rant off. He then invited me to potential Tuesday night ‘beer and bowling,’ which I won’t be going to, as I’ll be doing Halloween with Ruby and Junior.

Jonesez: ‘It’s half price beer and bowling.’

Me: ‘I hate bowling, I can’t lift the balls. I’d go, if I wasn’t doing Halloween with the babies.’

Then as we both walked over cobbles in different direction to our cars…I remembered to pick up my phone and make that call.

OH MY GOSH!!!

I can’t even TELL YOU! I really cannot even tell you. I flipping asked for excitement all day, didn’t I? Well…I got it. I got the shock of my LIFE.

And y’know, the shock actually had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t a nasty shock. It was a shock, shock. A‘happy for someone else’ kinda shock. It was simply weird, because I kinda didn’t expect, but DID expect to hear it, all at the same time. I mean, it was only the other day when I turned around to ‘Firmonnell’ and said that this would happen. Said that it should happen.

I wish I could tell you ALL ABOUT IT. I really wish I could. But right now, there’s a reason why I can’t. HOWEVER, in a couple months time, I’m gonna refer you back to this blog and you’ll not only remember this call, but you’ll finally know what was said.

I will tell you that the other end of my phone was a guy. I can’t tell you anything about this guy. He’s just a friend. Not anything more. It’s not anything like that. Yet we met under really weird circumstances, which again… I will have to tell you about in a couple months time.

I cannot believe it.

I can tell you how the phone conversation began though…

Me: ‘Hey. What’s up? It’s me. Calling you back?’

Guy: ‘Hi. How are you. I’ve got something to tell you…’

(NOT THIS AGAIN. WHAT IS MY LIFE!! I knew it had to be something BIG, because he’s so honest. But i’m good with the big things, so I strutted onward to my car and again, thought nothing too much of it.)

Guy: ‘I needed to call you because I didn’t want you to think I was a knob.. I’m not a knob…I just…’

Me: ‘I don’t think you’re a knob…’

Guy: ‘But anyway…yeah…There’s a reason why I haven’t been able to….Well..I’ve gone and…’

He then blurts out the most shocking news!! (If I could tell you something about this guy, it would be that he is definitely one of the most open and honest humans EVER. That’s a trait that no matter what, I always find honourable. It takes balls, BIG BALLS to make a call like that into WUNNA LAND… because he didn’t have to. But he did, just to be well mannered, in the most disturbing way. Lol)

Now, I don’t know how he thought I was going to react? I reacted well. I’m not irrational. I admire the brave and the honest!  I mean even though it was shocking, I did actually expect it. So the news was sort of…not too bad, really. I weirdly keep thinking about it though. It’s crazy. It’s really crazy. It’s disturbingly good? Not for me. Lol. But for him.

Anyway, we chatted then for a good fifteen minutes as he unfolded the entire tale and I swung my car door open.

The funny thing about this phone call, is that it completely underlines the fact that everything happens for a reason and he could’ve actually accidentally repeated history, now that I think about it. Lol. And that would’ve have been good. Infact, if I was honest the news was lovely for him. It’s what he wanted. (But i’m telling you too much. You’re gonna have to wait to find out.)

OH MY GOSH!

(If this was a show and you heard that phone call, you’d all faint in shock.)

What IS MY LIFE!

So yeah, i’m happy. But I’m taking deep breaths because EVERYTHING HAPPENS IN THREES they say! One more shock and then it’s fun for the rest of the year! Please say, it’s fun for the rest of the year!

Christmas and The New Year, can’t come quick enough! My new year is amazing, but life better not think it’s going to mess with me for the rest of 2017. Lol.

Everything happens for a reason!

What is my life!!!

Love Lists, Glamour Pussing & Does Size Matter?

Things are wonderful!

Monday was *chocca..blocked* with work. It was a busy one and there were no fruity cocktails in sight. You could’ve kicked me and a bundle of ‘to do’ lists, would’ve fallen out of my system and you know things are crazy when life throws you that ‘non juicy’ bone. As SURELY when people kick me, only fruity frizzles of Martini, *squirts* out of me. No such luck.

Right now i’m hopeful. I’m working hard and with my fingers crossed…I don’t expect anything, I just hope for the best really. I hope I get sent a whole bunch of luck, to go with my whole bunch of hard work and a whole jolly bunch of decent peoples, to man the Wunna Land fort. Something tells me that my next year is going to be great! I’m lucky. I’m really lucky. Please make it be great…Or this blog posts makes me look foolish. 😉

Today, I’m gonna talk about the art of PONDERING.

I’m a doer, not a ponderer. I make decision FAST. Good ones. People waste a lot of time on the simple art of pondering, don’t they? I used to. I don’t any more. I’m a grown up now.  Sometimes we ponder far too much about the things we can’t AT ALL control. You can’t control them. It’s not like you don’t know that? You do and try to anyway. Don’t waste that energy. It’s always what you DO that matters. And further from that, it’s all about how much IMPACT you MAKE from that little piece of ‘doing.’

I’m the kinda girl who will do everything I CAN, I’m a positive person on all levels, but THEN I’ll leave the rest to that good old ‘life magic.’ I believe in fate and destiny. You’ll end up where you’re meant to be. For me, these days, life usually goes great, but when it doesn’t, I just slip on a different set of stilettos and dolly march forward. When you can quick change your heels and still strut forward with a whole heart and a gallop, you’ve got it!

I spent the day with ‘The Girls’ yesterday. (As in my chick friends…not my bosoms. I spend enough time with my chest and let’s face it, they’ve served me well in the past. Lol)

Little Innocent ‘FairyTale Blond’ couldn’t have been more little and innocent yesterday. Everything from trapping fingers, seeing how fast she could run down the stairs, eating fruit, making fairytale cups of tea and hopeful Disney Love occurred in her world. ‘Double B’ strutted in with her Sasserilla scowl, her weave, her bag flung over her ‘had sex last night’ shoulder and with a hangover that could… AND DID… give her tonsillitis today. (She was absent from Wunna land adventures this Tuesday. I knew she should’ve have had sex. Something always goes wrong.)

Mel had decided that her body was so smart, that during the Winter months, it naturally knew how to create an extra layer of warmth, that was made via the fine art of eating things out of the ‘filth drawer.’ (Which she can now do, as she’s a proper full fledge gym goer now and loves it. She also found a dead rat, on the tip of her leopard print shoe, whilst she crossed a road in Doncaster.) Hustle Barbie is still a Vegan and shouting at Jonsez over mangoes. Firmonell sent me a love song, about Chinese people and stated that she was really good at pretending to be a Lesbian. Lady Shizzle definitely agreed that ‘five inches’ was not a good ‘willy size’ and considered being an alcoholic…

Shizzle: ‘Five is SMALL. Six or Seven Inches is AVERAGE. Eight or Nine is BIG.’

Me: ‘Anything else is…pointless.’

Then we went through our personal lists of what our DREAM MAN or partner requirements were. Again..for no real reason. It’s just for kicks innit. 😉 Love being a girl! I’m not gonna say who said what…But here are some snippets of our convo…

‘Stylish…they’ve got to be stylish.’

‘You can give them style!’

‘No you can’t!’

‘Funny. I love funny.’

‘Sexy IS SO IMPORTANT.’

‘They’ve GOT TO BE GOOD AT SEX! I hate bad sex.’

‘Rich.’

‘Rich isn’t on my list.’

‘Rich is on MY LIST!’

‘Oooh no…you’re wrong. Attractive. Handsome.’

‘I like good teeth.’

‘I just like kind.’

‘Generous. It’s alright saying rich, but if they’re tight…’

‘Good manners. A gentleman.’

‘As long as i’m not repulsed by them then i’m okay.’

I was actually JUST telling my guy friend about the above conversation and he was astonished at the fact that not ONE OF US, mentioned ‘Loving, faithful, loyal or respectful.’

We didn’t mention any of the above, because WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO MENTION ANY OF THE ABOVE, it should go without saying. OBVIOUSLY, we’d expect anyone we’re with, or dating… to naturally come to us with a bundle of loyalty, love and respect. Surely they’re not things that boyfriends, husbands or potential partners, or even girlfriends, and wives should need to TRY TO BE. We’re women not kids. Our fun personal lists, were just for bonus points. (Ooh. I need to add ‘Hero’ onto mine. I love a Hero. Can’t believe I forgot that.)

I can’t remember what else I was gonna tell you now?

I’ve got a lot of organizing to do, so i’ve got to get going.

Thank you for following my life.

The amount of you, all over the world, reading this, is crazy and let me tell you, I couldn’t be more grateful. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.THANK YOU.

FYI/ Nothing topped my weekend off than Miss Gemma Collins, falling through a hole, on a stage, that delivered Love Island cast members, at some Radio 1 TV Awards thingy. Lol. OH my GOD. HOW I LOVE ‘THE G.C.’ She stole the show. She’s literally the funniest girl on British TV right now. And yeah, it’s such an awful thing to have happen and I hope she’s not hurt, but GOSH, she filled us ALL UP with sincere laughter and good vibes. She took it like a champ! (Definitely heard that she’s suing them now. 🙂 )

 

 

Tuna, Chicks & Bedroom Banter

Mel: ‘I love how you’ve all been sat laughing and joking and spent ya day filled with absolute banter, but as soon as I come out here, to give you five minutes of my precious time, everyone shuts the fuck up, stops talking and starts being all quiet and boring, like they’ve got so much work to do!!’

Thursday was great! It was the most relaxed, easy going, good time kinda day that every kitten needs in their life. No pressure. No drama. Just laughter, banter and hard work. And that hard work that seems so easy because everyone is just having a really good time. I laughed a lot today and it made my soul smile…and GOD I was pathetic and feeling all unloved through half of it, yet when you have great friends, good company and chicks who can take the utter piss out of you for kicks…life is just wonderful. It doesn’t take that much to make someone smile…It’s contagious…and once the happy macarena train starts…it bounces from being to being, until the entire room is filled with glee.

I’m not gonna go through everything that happened through the day, as I want you to just feel it…Instead i’m going to give you snippets of all that was said…

‘Does that say drop arses everywhere?’

‘You’ve spelt my name wrong.’

‘She showed me a hamster, on acid in the meeting…’

‘It was a guinea pig.’

‘I just don’t eat things in tins.’

I’m a veggie now…’

‘You fucking had KFC.’

‘Why is everyone palming me off.’

‘Don’t be jealous because I have a Facebook spiritual advisor and you don’t.’

‘She’s sniffing out the cheese.’

‘Fucking speccy eyed cock.’

‘Why doesn’t he love me!’

‘I don’t have bush! My mum does though!’

‘Honestly how many times can someone say TUNA in the space of 3 minutes.’

‘Yeah we’re on a mate date tomorrow. That’s why she’s getting her hair done.’

‘I love spam.’

‘You’re vile.’

‘I only use *not tested on animals* Body Shop Makeup.’

‘Well i’m pretty sure your bronzer is *tested on animals* MAC’.

‘I love that the advent calendar is fucking upside down.’

‘You’re like my wife AND mistress.’

‘No. I’m not having sex with you.’

‘Stop trying to trick me into a date.’

‘I’ll let you dip it in.’

‘She honestly has a clump for a hand.’

‘We’ll show each other our boobs just to piss you off, cos you’re not there.’

‘I fucking have standards. I sleep with hot girls.’

‘Why do guys always only boast about the HOT ONES they’ve slept with and forget to discuss the munters.’

‘She’s not a fucking empath, she’s a fucking weirdo Chrissie,’

‘Stop being sad now. He does love you. ‘

‘You’re so impulsive you need to stop.’

‘My mojo is on POINT.’

The strangest banter occurred. I mean there was a point where we were just naming all the things a human could possibly make with tuna, simply because Mel had a water infection and bought some from Tescos. Then Hustle Barbie showed me a guinea pig in shades, that definitely looked like it was wankered during an executive power point meeting, which was before she dribbled a banana down her face, which ended up dollop plonking itself, from her tight banana ‘willy’ hand clutch.

There may have also been a moment where in which all the girls LAUGHED OUT LOUD at the fact that we’ve certainly more than 10 times each pretended to love sex when you ‘can’t actually at all feel his willy because it’s so THIN.’ (We’ve all been there girls. 😉  Give them the show.) Don’t have shit willies and if you do, be extremely wonderful in other ways in the sack. I’m in my 30’s…Women in their 30’s are in their actual sexual prime. I own my bedroom time and rock my sheets. As a 20 something I will have pretended you were great. As a 30 something, I take control of my sheet time with a guy. My kingdom. My way! Yet, each one of my chick friends and I at some point in life, on numerous occasions, have pretended sex was great…during sex…because it’s good manners. I did that a lot in LA or when I was young. No one likes bad sex. I hate bad sex now that i’m a grown up. And bad sex comes around more than you think. When you have good sex…keep it.  If looks, personality and actual love comes with it….MAKE IT YOURS FOREVER.

Then some random conversation about sex lists happened…

Who knew that people were organised enough to keep actual lists of how many people they slept with? Lol. Everyone seemed to pop out some sex list that had been written in either biro or text into a phone note section. Lol. I mean GOSH, one of my guy friends had typed in every single girl he had ever slept with, next to a number and the country they were from.

‘When will you ever need that list dude!!!!!!’

‘Well who knows, I could end up with some infection and this way it’s much easier because I can just copy& paste one message to each girl, in one go! Hahaha.’

‘Do they count on the list if you don’t remember actually having sex with them?’

‘You should marry number fifty cos you can’t finish on an odd number. I wouldn’t like that me.’

‘You can be my 48’

‘You can be my 117.’

‘Did you know that the average sex partner number is six.’

‘What! Who the hell has only slept with six people??’

‘Well i’ve only been in two long term relationships. I married the second girl.’

‘As if you’ve actually put their nationality on your list.’

‘You’re so well traveled…sexually.’

‘How many guys have you slept with Wunna?’

 

Now, I don’t keep a list. There ain’t no list happening in Wunna Land. We all know I have stories from my delicious Hollywood youth. But I kinda just keep the in my brain for me to treasure and for you to not ever find out. Lol. I love being a grown up and I love sex, but if i’m going to be honest, I kinda just pleasure myself more than I do anything else these days and I love it. This year, I’ve only slept with one person, The rest of the time…I’ve absolutely rode it solo sexually Lol.

I will tell you though that I don’t judge a girl or guy on any list, simply because I would hate for someone to judge me on mine. 🙂 AND because I’m secure enough to not be bothered about someone’s past, I just look forward to the future. 😉  The future is always way more exciting…and people have different types of chemistry in the bedroom. It just takes that one girl or one guy to sweep you off your feet and like I always say, add true love and you can’t help it….you’re hooked.

It’s almost fricking magical.

I’m done now!

Have fun!

Chrissie x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Work, Success & Sex With Inflatables?

Gosh! It’s such a busy time. I have this mountain of glittery work to get through, in order to get Wunna Land to where it needs to be, for the birth of the New Year. I’m looking at it, in the highest of heels, with a Vivienne Westwood handbag and a puzzled face that can only suggest confusion. 😉

Right now, I have opportunity a knocking and it’s knocking on every door that my kitty kingdom could possibly handle. I’m not really talking about much of it, because i’m on work mode. But there ARE people that I do tell things to in confidence, like ‘Firmonnell’ and ‘The Swirl.’ They’re the two people that I seem to tell everything to….Oh and also my Mum. She’s a diamond. A stress head. But a diamond.

I’m really excited and i’m honestly really grateful to be fair, yet finding the TIME to do well and progress, y’know ‘fitting it all in’ is not that easy and things are much more knackering at thirty something. Haha. Doesn’t matter how glamourous you are! You can still do ya back in. It’s a juggle. A juggle that I CAN quite easily cope with. I love to be busy when it comes to work, just as much as I like to chill. I don’t like pressure, or rushing, But productivity, I enjoy. However, because I’m bloated and feeling moderately hormonal this week, I’m choosing to be dramatic about it all. Best thing about being a girl. If you ARE a girl, you’ll get it. If you ARE a guy…well the sooner you get it the better.

I reckon that no matter what business, profession or ‘Pachinga’ (don’t care if that’s not a word) you’re in…the lead up to the end of the year, is ALWAYS really hectic. IT’S MADNESS, I’ll tells ya! There needs to be more hours in the day.

Last night I literally slept for around 3 hours, just to fit all my work in and then got up at the crack of dawn to get ahead of myself. I KNOW! Lol. Yet, the most wonderful thing, away from all the ‘glitter’ is that my baby Junior smashed his first day of school. He smashed it…and I was so worried, that he would be terrified. I was SO worried, that he’d not adjust. But he loved it. He can’t wait to go again. Ruby troopered her Big Sister role and BOOM…as a mum NOTHING FEELS BETTER. (I did it. They’re both in school.)

Right now, even though i’m busy, i’m feeling like life is good. Pretty good. I’m feeling lucky and I reckon I have you lot to thank for that. I mean, this blog is on its merry way up for some reason and i’m not trying to give the clichéd ‘I love you’ speech. I’m just trying to say ‘cheers’ because if I actually one day wake up and find that Wunna Land has been walloped with some ‘taken over’ stamp of utter superstar success…It honestly will be because of you. You practically will have MADE me. So, yeah, cheers.

If i’m being honest, i’m quite confident that i’ll get there. I’m confident by nature. YET, i’m a hustler….A glamourous ‘grafter,’ as it’s done gracefully ofcourse. My First Husband didn’t use to call me ‘Dynamite’ for no reason. 😉 However, I am by no means delusional. I hate delusional people. I’m a patient girl and I do things correctly, with winks and that’s after learning things the hard way. I don’t strike while the irons hot. I strike when i’m ready and everything is set in place. It’s important for me to build and make impact when all is set in place, MORE than it is, to be fickle with a *whip* and shoot out the canon before i’m ready.

Other than that…Yesterday (and I don’t know how this occurred) Firmonnell, Hustle Barbie & Jonesez decided to have a conversation about humans are in committed relationships with inflatables.

Jonesez: ‘This one guy on Youtube is married to a bunch of inflatables.’

Me: ‘Yeah, But i think that’s funny. I want to be married to a bunch of inflatable people.’

Jonesez: ‘No, they’re not people…they’re random objects, like banana’s and rubber rings and ink flamingos.’

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING WEIRD??? I love it! I do love it. I find it hilarious. But why? I don’t get it??

Firmonnell: ‘I won’t let you say COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with an inflatable. It’s ridiculous!!’

HOW THE HELL AS AN INFLATABLE RUBBER RING MANAGED TO HAVE A BETTER LOVE LIFE THAT HALF THE WOMEN ON THIS EARTH??? Lol.

(Girls, if a guy can commit and propose to a pink flamingo because he can’t live without it, and you still don’t have a ring on it yet…let me tell you…..you’re fucked. We’re fucked. It makes me lose my faith in mankind. Hahaha. Yet, it can’t stop being hilarious.)

Then Hustle Barbie forced me to watch some video (when i say ‘forced,’ she just showed me it and I watched it…I’m just dramatic today, I told you,) anyway it was a video of a guy making out with his car, THAT HE WAS HAVING A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH?

Hustle: ‘How do you have sex with a car?’

Jonesez: ‘You sit on the gear stick.’

And it’s the moments like that, that take the pressure OFF you, OFF life, because you just remember how to have a big old laugh, you remember how to love and notice that you have great people and support around you. It’s take the stress of ‘busy’ and reminds you of the fact that shit ain’t so bad. 😉

Then after I moaned…a friend of mine, who again is the most hilarious human that I have ever been lucky enough to have cross paths with….sent me this…(They also stated that it was ‘a bit cheesy but had substance.’)

‘There’s something so beautiful about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she’s capable of doing anything she sets her mind to.’

It made me beam and last night, because of that I slept like a Goddess…..

 

Girl Banter, Wine & Dance Routines

Firmonnell: ‘I just love it. Whenever I hear it, it makes me feel like I want to make up some kinda dance routine. Haha.’

(We’re in our thirties…this is not normal.)

Me: ‘Lol. That’s exactly what I said, when I first heard it?’

(Because i’m just as immature.)

Double B: ‘What song is it…?’

And unfortunately for life, Firmonnell and I proceeded to perform the song..well attempt to sing it for Double B, just so she could get which song we were on about? We’d totally forgot what it was called? But it’s that ‘Instruction’ song by Demi Lovato.

Double B: ‘What song? I don’t get it?’

(Her 21 year old ears don’t even work.)

Me: ‘We’re not even singing it shit!!! GOD!!!’

She finally got it. Sanity was restored. The world became a shimmie and well she might have delivered the sentence…

‘Get on my tits’

…as she Sumo Wrestler, knee bended, during the ‘morning part’ of the day.

Then i wished we had prosecco. Kisstory played on in the background….and Russian Roulette was the only game that our phones would allow us play.

Nights out were reconfirmed. Liars were worshipped. Then the girls decided to imagine what i’m next wedding would be like. All the laughs. *Rolls Eyes.* 🙂

Firmonnell: ‘We would be in the SLUTTIEST bridemaids dresses that anybody would have ever seen!!!’

(Who said they’d be wearing dresses? I might make them adorn their crotches with fig leaves, or a single peacock feather. Naked isle strutting! Wahey!)

Double B: ‘I want you to walk down the isle and do an outfit change half way down…I want your first outfit to just slip off your body magically, to reveal your second outfit…Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Hahaha. It’s like the Britians Got Talent Bloopers! I wanna walk to the top of the isle, forget to look at my husband and strike a pose for a  selfie… just for ‘Insta’ likes.’

We had a great day. I was surrounded by the best chick click ever. I’m so lucky. I love my girl besties. But we totally gave zero fucks today and laughed off all danger with sarcasm, lies and should i get that ‘coconut, chilli chicken salad today’ questions.

Sometimes in life, you just have to give zero fucks about things. Have fun. God! We’re a long time dead. If you can’t cut an atmosphere with a burst of good times, then you certainly are not living right.

Then ‘Hustle Barbie’ saunters in, all glamourous, hot and blond. She’s off to her fancy dress party tomorrow night….as ‘Sandy from Grease.’ Luckily she’s going as Sandy, when she’s all ‘skin tight leggings and hip wiggles’ and not the crying in a giant nighty version.

Do remember that in that movie… when Sandy’s all pure and demure,  ‘Zucko’ pretends to not give 2 shits, as he’s far too busy ‘pussy wagonning’ with the boys. Yet when she’s all Sassy and ‘look at me bitch’ he’s all of a sudden got ‘chills that are multiplying’ and a boner that will love only her forever. Interesting!!!

Anyway, back to the story….I got distracted! I’m not sure what happened, because I was just rocking from side to side on an orange swizzle chair and not listening to anyone in my turtle neck, but Double B, did state that ‘Hustle B’ would be totally fucked because see was certainly about to meet someone, where in which the ability to ‘sign language’ would be an absolute must….

Double B: ‘But you don’t know sign language, so you’re just gonna have to make it up. Lol. Is that a dictionary?’

Hustle Barbie: ‘Eww! No…It’s eyelashes.’

Welcome to my world.

Then as I continued to swizzle about on a chair and not listen to much, as ‘No Scrubs’ played on the radio and no one could find a pen… Firmonnell retold the story of the moment Double B sauntered in and looked…well she described her as this…

‘She came in like a 1920’s washer woman, no face on, her skin transparent…and with a messy top knot in. Hahaha. She looked like someone from Downtown Abbey…but who lived in the cellar!’

Hahahaha. I love that!!!!! You know you have great friends when you can refer to each other as cellar gremlins.Just a great day!

Not sure what else happened? Aside from Firmonnell deciding that she didn’t like her hubby ‘Big D’ in a vest…Apparently the only way she can get him to not wear one is if they have sex…

‘At least, he’d take it off then.’

Hahaha.

YES! I’m all for her ‘let’s have sex so you don’t fashion crime around me’ policy. Why is she not Prime Minister?

To be honest, my day ended up being a long one, a busy one, a stressy one…You know the score… I’m just glad it’s the weekend! I’m so excited for peace. I’m gonna chill, enjoy family time, have a wine and write the rest of my book. (It’s out in the New Year. I’ve had people read extracts and apparently it’s rude but okay.)

I mean, on the whole i’ve had a good day, it just ended mentally, which doesn’t help relaxation mode.. I just wanted to get home. I couldn’t wait to get home. But if we (the girls and I) didn’t see adult twins in matching outfits, the cast of Gangman style, a young wannabe ‘heart throb’ use our window as a ‘hair doing’ mirror and a weird dude in an S & M biker hat and nipple vest walk by…I don’t know what we would’ve done all afternoon?

As soon as I got home, I stripped down to comfies, adored my little babies, ordered in a ‘take out’ and watched a motivational video that my Mentor sent me.

Unfortunately i have a short attention span….I like short bursts, rather than long winded stories. Which is weird because I tell long winded stories on here constantly. Lol. But I kinda watched the beginning and fast forwarded it to the end.  🙂 That’s how impressively studious I am. It just got too dramatic and boring. I just don’t need a shouty American to tell me to be driven. I AM driven. I just do it my way…which is calmly… with a cocktail. My eye is NEVER not on the prize. Don’t get it twisted. I’ve not done that bad in life. 😉

I even sent the video on. have no clue why? I just felt like it. But it seems that if you’re already driven and already successful, you’re not too arsed about a motivational video because you don’t really need one. If I can watch it and be bored, then I must be in a good place.

Right…I need wine…