Girl Banter, Wine & Dance Routines

Firmonnell: ‘I just love it. Whenever I hear it, it makes me feel like I want to make up some kinda dance routine. Haha.’

(We’re in our thirties…this is not normal.)

Me: ‘Lol. That’s exactly what I said, when I first heard it?’

(Because i’m just as immature.)

Double B: ‘What song is it…?’

And unfortunately for life, Firmonnell and I proceeded to perform the song..well attempt to sing it for Double B, just so she could get which song we were on about? We’d totally forgot what it was called? But it’s that ‘Instruction’ song by Demi Lovato.

Double B: ‘What song? I don’t get it?’

(Her 21 year old ears don’t even work.)

Me: ‘We’re not even singing it shit!!! GOD!!!’

She finally got it. Sanity was restored. The world became a shimmie and well she might have delivered the sentence…

‘Get on my tits’

…as she Sumo Wrestler, knee bended, during the ‘morning part’ of the day.

Then i wished we had prosecco. Kisstory played on in the background….and Russian Roulette was the only game that our phones would allow us play.

Nights out were reconfirmed. Liars were worshipped. Then the girls decided to imagine what i’m next wedding would be like. All the laughs. *Rolls Eyes.* 🙂

Firmonnell: ‘We would be in the SLUTTIEST bridemaids dresses that anybody would have ever seen!!!’

(Who said they’d be wearing dresses? I might make them adorn their crotches with fig leaves, or a single peacock feather. Naked isle strutting! Wahey!)

Double B: ‘I want you to walk down the isle and do an outfit change half way down…I want your first outfit to just slip off your body magically, to reveal your second outfit…Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Hahaha. It’s like the Britians Got Talent Bloopers! I wanna walk to the top of the isle, forget to look at my husband and strike a pose for a  selfie… just for ‘Insta’ likes.’

We had a great day. I was surrounded by the best chick click ever. I’m so lucky. I love my girl besties. But we totally gave zero fucks today and laughed off all danger with sarcasm, lies and should i get that ‘coconut, chilli chicken salad today’ questions.

Sometimes in life, you just have to give zero fucks about things. Have fun. God! We’re a long time dead. If you can’t cut an atmosphere with a burst of good times, then you certainly are not living right.

Then ‘Hustle Barbie’ saunters in, all glamourous, hot and blond. She’s off to her fancy dress party tomorrow night….as ‘Sandy from Grease.’ Luckily she’s going as Sandy, when she’s all ‘skin tight leggings and hip wiggles’ and not the crying in a giant nighty version.

Do remember that in that movie… when Sandy’s all pure and demure,  ‘Zucko’ pretends to not give 2 shits, as he’s far too busy ‘pussy wagonning’ with the boys. Yet when she’s all Sassy and ‘look at me bitch’ he’s all of a sudden got ‘chills that are multiplying’ and a boner that will love only her forever. Interesting!!!

Anyway, back to the story….I got distracted! I’m not sure what happened, because I was just rocking from side to side on an orange swizzle chair and not listening to anyone in my turtle neck, but Double B, did state that ‘Hustle B’ would be totally fucked because see was certainly about to meet someone, where in which the ability to ‘sign language’ would be an absolute must….

Double B: ‘But you don’t know sign language, so you’re just gonna have to make it up. Lol. Is that a dictionary?’

Hustle Barbie: ‘Eww! No…It’s eyelashes.’

Welcome to my world.

Then as I continued to swizzle about on a chair and not listen to much, as ‘No Scrubs’ played on the radio and no one could find a pen… Firmonnell retold the story of the moment Double B sauntered in and looked…well she described her as this…

‘She came in like a 1920’s washer woman, no face on, her skin transparent…and with a messy top knot in. Hahaha. She looked like someone from Downtown Abbey…but who lived in the cellar!’

Hahahaha. I love that!!!!! You know you have great friends when you can refer to each other as cellar gremlins.Just a great day!

Not sure what else happened? Aside from Firmonnell deciding that she didn’t like her hubby ‘Big D’ in a vest…Apparently the only way she can get him to not wear one is if they have sex…

‘At least, he’d take it off then.’

Hahaha.

YES! I’m all for her ‘let’s have sex so you don’t fashion crime around me’ policy. Why is she not Prime Minister?

To be honest, my day ended up being a long one, a busy one, a stressy one…You know the score… I’m just glad it’s the weekend! I’m so excited for peace. I’m gonna chill, enjoy family time, have a wine and write the rest of my book. (It’s out in the New Year. I’ve had people read extracts and apparently it’s rude but okay.)

I mean, on the whole i’ve had a good day, it just ended mentally, which doesn’t help relaxation mode.. I just wanted to get home. I couldn’t wait to get home. But if we (the girls and I) didn’t see adult twins in matching outfits, the cast of Gangman style, a young wannabe ‘heart throb’ use our window as a ‘hair doing’ mirror and a weird dude in an S & M biker hat and nipple vest walk by…I don’t know what we would’ve done all afternoon?

As soon as I got home, I stripped down to comfies, adored my little babies, ordered in a ‘take out’ and watched a motivational video that my Mentor sent me.

Unfortunately i have a short attention span….I like short bursts, rather than long winded stories. Which is weird because I tell long winded stories on here constantly. Lol. But I kinda watched the beginning and fast forwarded it to the end.  🙂 That’s how impressively studious I am. It just got too dramatic and boring. I just don’t need a shouty American to tell me to be driven. I AM driven. I just do it my way…which is calmly… with a cocktail. My eye is NEVER not on the prize. Don’t get it twisted. I’ve not done that bad in life. 😉

I even sent the video on. have no clue why? I just felt like it. But it seems that if you’re already driven and already successful, you’re not too arsed about a motivational video because you don’t really need one. If I can watch it and be bored, then I must be in a good place.

Right…I need wine…

 

 

 

Saturday, Leeds Games & Glamourous Trumping

Me: ‘But sex is a big part of  relationship…’

Chica: ‘Yeah but he’s rubbish at it…’

(Sips Cocktail)

Me: ‘Yes, but have you only had sex once…because sometimes it takes a few goes, to get in line with each others ooh laa…?’

Chica: ‘No…it’s just awkward and not in sync. I’m doing these bedroom faces that aren’t true to his work..?’

Me: ‘HAHAHAHAH! Are you good at sex though? As I reckon loads of girls must be shit at sex, because so many men are always on the look out for it. They take really good ‘i’m good at sex’ selfies, but are shit when it comes to the art of it all. Show him what to do?’

Chica: ‘Show him what to do? He’s a grown ass man. Plus, i’m too shy…’

Me: ‘If you’re shy with the man you fancy in the bedroom, then you’re shit at sex.. There’s only you and him there…It’s not like i’m watching on and judging your thrusts??? Lol.’

Then to our disgrace a guy in a group of boys, who were at the bar also watching last night’s Leeds game does the LOUDEST, most GIANT TRUMP, in the history of the world ever…HAHAHAH….Properly.. with no shame, he just lets it blow. It shattered the mirror of stress, everyone paused and then with ‘throw head back’ smiles, laughter burst through the airs…It didn’t even smell of egg….Kinda smelt like Jean Paul Gautier. Impressive.

Random Guy: ‘Steady on Paul! FUCKS SAKE!’

I love trumps when people don’t care. Hahahaha!

Leeds won. Life was great. I admire my friend Kate’s new kitten hair. I had spent the whole day with the children at the fair in Doncaster. (If you didn’t know, Doncaster is my home town…I go there a lot, so The Wunna Babies and I are a hit down at the old Frenchgate. Lol)

They fun housed, rode motorbikes, hooked ducks and then won fucking fish. IF YOU’RE A PARENT….you get how awful this is! We already have a NEW KITTEN. I’m like flipping Noah’s Arc or something? How can I go from nothing, to a kitten and  fish in days!! Then I had carry these fish around in a tank, with people awwing at me, a security man following me, two bags of Lush bath bombs, 2 bags of books from Waterstones, a bloody whistle, emoji cookies and with my hair stuck on my freshly lip glossed lips. Devastating. It should be a children’s book..‘When Mummy is a glamour puss and had to carry your shit home.’ 

I couldn’t take it any more and demanded that we go to Ego for new steak sandwiches and 2 for 1 cocktails. We’ve had lunch there about 4 times this week. To be honest, at the request of Ruby. Yesterday…I needed Ego and I smashed that salted rimmed margarita like a champion, as Junior made me a car with sparkles on, which looked like a clay poo with sequins and brought me a tiny buttercup. I love the ‘Arts & Craft’ table at the restaurant….You’re kids can make clay things, as you recover and drink wine. It’s creative and educational…honest! 😉

Long, but great day! Ruby decided to be a lawyer and Junior decided that be wanted to play football just so he could kick a ball into my boobies all day?  He laughed about it for about 3 hours. (I’m doing everything with a kitten in my arms.)

I then got home, striped down to my bra and frillies, chilled and sent a message to the guy that I ‘heart’ and the world swirled down to a happy magical ending, as day turned to night…and Saturday turned ‘lights out.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Fishermens Friends Get Sexy?

David: ‘But have you had anyone ever go down on you with a Fisherman’s Friend in their mouth?’

We all just paused and looked at him with dolly shocked faces! One minute we were talking about girl shit and diets and the next minute our guy friend, who my chick friends and I refer to as our ‘Man bitch’ (he loves it, don’t worry,) flies out with a ‘whoop..dee.’

Me: ‘Eww no. Lol.’

David: ‘It’s meant to feel really good. Make it tingle. I’ve done it on a girl but with a Halls Soother.’

Mel: ‘That sounds like it would hurt.’

Fairytale Blond: ‘What if it got stuck in?’

Double B: ‘HAHAHAHA.’

I feel sorry for whoever his Hall Soother victim was. You poor girl. This goes to show how selfish boys can be. Lol. He would have healed his own sore throat and in the meantime given her a sore…£$&$£* (I’ll let you be creative here and fill in the blanks.) Try it! Blame him if it goes wrong.

Fairytale: ‘Hey up! We’ve actually got some Fisherman’s Friends in the drawer. Lol. Take some with you David!’

But anyway, away from all that. I’ve had a great week, but a dramatic week and mainly because I’ve been flirting with my hormones, ( love being a girl.) A lot of snazzy little changes and unforeseen developments have occurred in Wunna land. Great changes, nothing crazy or evil. Yet, they kinda got ‘paint balled’ at me from a good shot, from the skies and being a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, let’s just say… it’s been an ‘adventure.’ (I’ve got on with it boldy with a kitten stride of DIVA and a wiggly giggle…But it feels really good that all has settled now. I’m happy as can be and i’m smiling with excitement, whilst doing *can can* high kicks to Little Mix tracks.

Now, I’m good with changes, I meander them well and glamourously…with sex appeal. YET, this week, i’ve been in a swirl of magical emotion, that has made my little heart beam. It followed up with a SHOCK…and the reason i didn’t blog during that time was because I now refuse to write a blog until I have a clear head. Lol. Whereas before, I’d GO FOR IT REGARDLESS. I’d be brimming over with passion and i’d let that boat sail! But now, I’m officially a grown up now, a hot one. Lol. I’m officially making awesome decisions. Hot ones.

But I have a great support system, as I did need to have a big bestie VENT to ‘Firmonnell,’ because I knew that she was the chick friend who could balance me out and make me see things through rational, positive wine sips. And she did! I don’t know how she does it! Thank GOD for her and her Slimming World Self.

My Baby Cousin Natalia came up from London to spend her birthday with me and the family, armed with her boyfriend Matt. Such a great couple, such great times dining out…such wonderful awkward moments where ruby took it upon herself to force marriage upon them.

Ruby: ‘So, why are you two not married yet?’

Natalia: ‘He has to buy me a BIG sparkly RING before that happens Ruby.’

We’ve eaten everywhere. We’ve hit up some great spots. The service everywhere has been fantastic and I loved snuggling back up into my Flamingo sheets, after mojitos and messaging ‘nighty nights’ to a pretty amazing human. There might have been a selfie too. 😉

Shit, I  was going to tell you something about ‘Double B,’ but I can’t remember what the hell it was now? FUCK!

It’ll come to me? She’s all glam squad right now. All blond extensions and lip pumps. I’m loving it, because I am a chica who adores a bit of the same. I LOVE GLAMOUROUSITY. Yet, being Northern, we’re ace with it, as we don’t have rubbish sense of humours. I am the kitty queen of good times and banter winks. People think i’ll be all high maintenance and sassy…and I can be…LOL…yet most of the time i’m chilled…however, dazzled in fun.

‘Double B’ will just come out with THE MOST RANDOM bits of aceness…

‘Honestly, Chrissie. When does that point come when people just get fucking old and decide to go nuts. Literally, when is that point when they turn into a granny and just say… HEY…i’m going to be a bit mental now???’

Anyway, i’ve got to go. I’m in Doncaster all day today. I’m also popping into Malmaison Leeds later, for a business chatter. I love a hotel blog. I also adore their ‘Rock n Roll Suite.

I have a lot of exciting work stuff happening. I’ve been shooting…as in photo shooting. I’ve been auditioning and I’ve filmed a bit. I’ve promised myself that every day this week I AM GOING TO WRITE A BLOG.

Hope you have an amazing weekend!

Hope you stay away from Fishermen’s Friends.

 

 

 

 

 

Embracing Your Inner Sexiness

I had a bit of a ‘wobble’ yesterday. I don’t know what happened? I lost my swag for a moment and this innocent yet not very sexy cloud of panic…which is a dramatic way of putting ‘insecurity’ swept across my glittery shores. lol.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I can’t eat! I’m looking at my phone. I’m feeling all weak and not in control..I’m…I’m..’

Mel: ‘You’re boring me now. You need to man up.’

Firmonnell: ‘You just need to go with it and enjoy it…’

Fairytale Blond: ‘YES! I get like that too!’

You see, the great thing about being Me, is that when a ‘wobble’ in Wunna land occurs (that should be the title to a book or a sex toy.) …and because i’m probably the most expressive girl you’ll unfortunately ever cross paths with 🙂 IF I KNOW YOU. If i don’t, I’m quite *nod…nod..smile smile…* Yet, with my girls, i’m wild, fun and all ‘oh my GOD, get what’s happened!!’ Yet, that’s because I adore them, we’re a team, they make me feel all comfy and not very judged. We can say or do anything to each other, in love, banter or life and charmingly get away with it all. We never judge each other and we can’t because we’re all so different. Instead we admire what the others have on offer and sassily help one another out when necessary.

They staggered around me and gave life smirks, laughter, took the piss out of me and ping ponged really good advice into my soul for about 14 minutes. Some were in swivel chairs, others on phones, one by a window. I’m glad my discomfort makes them laugh. NOT! Lol.

But then i had a bag of crisps and a popcorn tea and felt better…Which made me decide that I wasn’t feeling all ‘crazy,’ I was just hungry.

Then we started chatting about other people’s problems and it sort of again made me feel better! Lol. It was weird as i’ll draw the spotlight onto myself and then when everyone’s taking notice, I’ll panic and get more anxious. Then when the spotlight turned and lit up someone elses life…I felt powerful again? Lol. It’s hard being a glamour puss. 😉

Then I don’t know what happened but we started to talk about our sex lives. Well no, that’s wrong…we started to talk about OUR OWN sensuality and where we RANK ourselves in the ‘how sexy we are‘ in bed stakes.

Mel’s all naughty. She’s a grown ass woman, who wouldn’t think twice at the idea of fur coating it with no undies on, with a wink in her eye and sassy glint of powerhouse.

I love that! As when you’re past your 20’s, you turn from girl to woman and BOY do you embrace it sexually. You enjoy sex more, you enjoy your own body more, you feel more comfortable with being openly sexy and YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE and how to please. You’re less insecure and you know what turns you on. You feel powerful in the bedroom.

I FEEL POWERFUL IN THE BEDROOM.

So when it comes to me, i’m cheeky, but i’m naughty. I embrace my sexuality, love intimacy in general and ooze sensuality. I’m loving, but i’m playful…and being in touch with my little sexy self…I’m confident. I’ll go for it and because I enjoy being sexy….especially with someone that I care about. I adore role play. I love dress up. I love it all. If i didn’t like anything, It would be outside sex. I don’t like to be cold. Lol. (Such a granny.)

I think, as girls…or ladies…we all have our issues, don’t we? ‘The Bedroom’ is not one of mine…It’s a really comfy and really private place for me. It seems like i’d tell you everything when it comes to sex, when I’d really tell you nothing, as the privacy of intimacy is what makes sensuality sexy.

But anyway we were chatting about sex and whether we’d send naughty pictures etc…People shouldn’t get cut up about being sexy or feeling sexy. It winds me up when people judge girls who embrace their sexuality…Sex shouldn’t be taboo. It should be fun. Providing you’re an adult…When you’re a chick…SEX IS BEST WHEN YOU GET INTO YOUR 30’S…FOR BOTH PARTIES.

But yeah, we’re chatting away about all things senusal…

and YOU SHOUDL’VE SEEN FAIRYTAE BLONDS FACE.

Now, Fairytale Blond has got ‘the sexy.’ Whether she embraces it or not, I don’t know? No..that’s not true. I do know. She doesn’t. Lol.

Mel and I are sat girl chatting about all sorts, so openly, like ‘Debbie Does Dallas’ is an episode of The Antiques Road Show and ‘Fairytale Blond’ was sat on her swivel chair, blushing pink with shyness and having to fan her self repeatedly because..

‘Gosh it’s getting a bit hot in here…’

HAHAHAHA!

We all just pissed ourselves laughing. She’s so cute. It’s to die for! I’ve never known anything like it.  She’s so ‘Fairytale.’ We literally had to turn the heat down, so she could pull herself together. Lol. But i know, that she has ‘the sexy‘  in her because she too can quite openly talk about sex…It just makes her blush.

THEN to my left, I noticed Firmonnell. And I know Firmonnell is sexy, because her and her husband used to have a sex step. She enjoys sex, she’ll do sex…but she’s not one to chatter about it. Which is honourable. 🙂 But shit, if you want to know everything.

‘Do you send your hubby nudes?’

(Straight forward question from the girls…Lol)

‘Well i’ve been with him since i was 19. When i was younger..at that time things weren’t so techy. It’d cost us 30p to send a picture message. So no…i’d probably run out of credit!’

HAHAHAHA!

However, after girl talk, sex talk and confidence talk…Something tells me their other halves are now in for surprise sexy treats.