Panic, Sport, Sexting & Co Parenting

I’m definitely not at the Dior counter anymore,’ said the puzzled Asian Glamour Puss, to herself, like a lunatic, in the middle of Sports Direct, at Xscape, Yorkshire.

Right! So. This morning, I dropped the babies off at school. Well..just Ruby, because Keiran (my ex hubby) dropped Junior off. We saw each other but said nothing, because Keiran’s turned all weird.

Anyway, this term, in P.E (not my favourite subject) Ruby, has football and I’m loving this equality thing, because 20 years ago when I was in school, in the ye old glamour pussy days, girls would NEVER be playing a game of footy, would we? Ruby’s exactly like me, so she’ll hate every minute of it. Haha. But whatever, at least for others, there are now opportunities.

However I’ve decided I hate equality, when i’ve not read the memo and forgotten to buy her football boots, shin pads, socks…and well..everything, she needs for the day. Lol.

I had about an hour to dash off, find the goods and return them to school, so she could at least have a bit of a ‘footy’ go.

I walked around Sports Direct today, like I had been blown in from Kansas, to Oz, in a house that just squashed a wicked witch.

I was lost!

I just looked destroyed and confused.

Anyway, being the drama queen that I am, 😉 I must’ve done it well..because within seconds really helpful, sporty looking, life savers *popped* out of nowhere, to save my soul, from isles that I didn’t even know existed, like fairy godmothers, in tracky bottoms, with ‘happy to help’ name badges.

They probably thought I was stealing. Haha.

Anyway, I simply stated what I needed. My face looked forlorn and within minutes, they whizzed around and..

BOOM..

I paid and was not only out the door, but back at school, like a champ, with the goods, for the loin fruit.

If you were raised a Wunna, you would know that during moments of utter joy, you spank other Wunna’s on the booty, until it jiggles repatedly, out of love and excitement. She couldn’t really do that during playtime, in front of her crew and various teacher, but I saw the ‘Mama Spanky’ Glee, in her eyes.

In that moment, I felt VICTORY.

(Even though I did get distracted and buy breakfast at Starbucks mid rush.) 

The Babies adore me at the minute Being Mum feels great. It’s made single mumming it worth it. Ruby hasn’t been to her Dad’s in ages out of choice and it’s not his favourite, but he doesn’t force her to do anything she doesn’t wish to.

Junior just doesn’t like his dad. He loves him. But he doesn’t like him, because his Father is now a massive Jehovah’s Witness…and with that, comes all this ‘not fun’ stuff. With that comes having to lead a double like at five. With that comes learning how to lie & judge others. Learning how to hide things from his Dad. Learning how to….

You get it. I don’t like it and I don’t like it because i’m so laid back and open about life.

Keiran’s driving me mad with it all. Yet, at the end of the day, I’ll stand up for what I believe is right for my baby boy…He’s a good Father, he just gets lost in bullshit, before he wakes up and realizes, what he’s doing.

But anyway…I’m not here to go on about that…

So big thanks to Sports Direct, for saving my soul. I know nothing about football, at all. Well, maybe a couple things about footballers? Lol.

I’m feeling cheeky and outspoken right now. I’ve got a lot going on. I’m about to shimmie onto your telly. I have anxiety about a lil’ something that is about to happen and in 8 days I quietly celebrate something personal.

I definitely think I have a ghost in my house that cross dresses, because AGAIN, whenever the kids and I are out of the house, I come home and it looks like someone has tried on all my clothes and they smell like a boy’s locker room.

This happened to me before in LA! So I know something’s not right. I just don’t know what?

I’m a glamour puss, if I pick up another, freshly washed garment, that has been mysteriously worn and now smells of B.O, i’m going to go mental.

Anyway, this is just a quick one. All is well. I’m happy. I’m single. I’m living.

I’m still loving answering all your questions daily on my Insta story! It’s actually gone mad. So many people have tuned in and that makes me smile.

I always get asked about guys, dating, sex and all sorts in between and today I got asked about Sexting.

I do enjoy sexting, when i’m having a moment with a guy, that I really fancy. I think it’s hot, in that paticular moment. However, there’s only so much ‘sexting’ you can do, isn’t there? I don’t want them to be all ‘sext’ and no substance. I’m looking for a hero…not just a penis. I’m not just a piece of Oriental that only wants to get ‘pork sticked.’

True love, friendship and loyalty is what i’m looking for.

(Although, I did once cry over a penis, on a mattress in LA. But that’s a whole other story. Lesson learnt.)

Chrissie x

 

Adam & Steve…

I’m headed to Liverpool today, to shimmie in a ‘Whinge of The Week’ with Ian Walker. I don’t even know what i’m going to do or say? But i know they’ll be prosecco, so i’ll show up and love it. Infact, he’s just messaged me and I think i’ve got all my times mixed up.

I’m currently sat on the edge of my bed, with Pink ‘So What’ playing in the background, the brightest, most misleading sun beam is thrashing it’s way through my window and onto my laptop screen, so I actually cant’ SEE anything i’m typing and i’m having a bad face and hair day. (One of those days where your face goes wrong and your hair follows suit. Yipppeee.)

It’s freezing. I’m freezing. Rocco the kitten is galloping around me. I’ve knocked over a random can of Pepsi that one someone has accidentally left by my bedside table FLOOR and everythings ‘chappy.’ You’ll have no clue what I mean. Infact I’m surprised I do right now. But all my face is dry and my lips are chapped. I’m  CHAPPY. I need a big oily ‘once over.’ (Now Rocco, the kitten has leapt onto my dressing table and kicked foundation all over the floor!

What is today!

I’ve just done the school run and the positive is that nothing was sweeter than showing up with Ruby and hearing Junior shout with GLEE, when he saw us. (He stayed at his dad’s last night.)

‘MAAAAAAAAAMA! RUBY!!!’

I had Junior’s parent’s evening last night. It was a nightmare. I mean, Keiran and I (Keiran is Junior’s Father,) we’re divorced and we co parent the best way we know how. BUT GOSH, we have COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY different views, on how our child should be raised. Keiran’s turned into this massive Jehovah’s Witness (yes) and tenderly FORCES that lifestyle onto Baby Junior.

Junior has been raised in WUNNA LAND. My Land. A land where in which fun, glamourosity, no judgement and cosy Mama Love fills the air. And to me…the two worlds are so different, that it’s all a bit nuts…and that is affecting my son, his education and his basic lifestyle beliefs. He’s 4. It’s too much for him. I’m not having it. Let him be 4! I let Junior be 4! There’s no pressure in Wunna Land. He loves it.

It’s nearly Christmas and Junior, Ruby, The Wunna’s and I are gonna dedicate it to family fun, traditions and the festive season…not praising Jehovah, not pulling him away from school, to worship Jehovah..NOT reading the Bible instead and ‘Christmas Dance Offs’ with Ruby, FOR Jehovah. NO Jehovah!

MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmKAY!

I mean anytime you have uttered these sentences in a PRIVATE Parents evening….

‘Adam and Eve were the original humans created by GOD…’

‘Adam and Eve! What if it was Adam & STEVE….You’d have to be okay with that! Junior might turn around one day and tell you that he’s gay!’

‘HE WON’T.’

‘Adam and Steve. That’s gonna be the title to my next blog!’

‘I don’t believe in Christmas. I don’t want him to do anything Christmassy.’

‘No! I want him to do Christmas. He loves the play. He’s so excited for it all. I don’t want him to miss that! I don’t want him to miss Christmas Jumper day, or cracker making. Or anything!!!!’

‘I don’t pull him out of school for anything entertainmenty, so you can’t pull him out of school for anything religious.’

‘What are your views on Sexual preferences?’

‘He’s behind in school.’

‘That Bible was so badly written…’

‘I love your blog.’

‘Your blog is written by Satan. IT’S ALL SATAN.’

‘You’ll be sorry. You’ll BOTH know i’m right, when the world ends and you don’t go to paradise. You’ll both remember this day and be like AH! KEIRAN WAS RIGHT!’

‘I can’t even imagine you two EVER being married to one another.’

‘All this must be a lot of pressure on Junior. He’s only four and already is learning to be one way in Wunna Land and one way with Keiran.’

‘What! It’s cos he’s a boy. I was just the same.’

‘It’s got nothing to do with gender Keiran!’

‘I’m gonna have to agree with Chrissie.’

‘You’re focusing on the wrong thing Keiran. Just seeing him happy and smiling because he’s so excited about Christmas is what matters!’

‘It used to be a lot worse than this. This is the best we’ve got along.’

‘Do you actually even KNOW what Christmas is ABOUT. It’s satanic. Halloween is the worst!!

‘I’m not religious. Christmas is more of a fun tradition to me.’

‘I am SO SORRY. I bet this is the worst parent’s evening you’ve ever had. Haha. It’s like a flipping show.’

‘You need to flash card him. I mean you’re lucky he’s in a private school because I can sit with him personally and help him.’

‘I’m not against him being in a private school. I just didn’t have the same upbringing. It’s fine for Chrissie. She came to this school. I only got a GSCE in PE. School didn’t interest me.’

‘ I think you need to do your meetings separately from now on. It might be best.’

‘I never have to go through this with Pete, when it’s Ruby’s Parents Evening.’

I MEAN HONESTLY! How crazy can a simple Parents Evening be! Keiran get’s so ‘gun ho’ about things with a passion that not even the strongest soul of a lion could tame. His passion makes him forget to focus on what matters sometimes and that..to us……is Junior.

Then it was sad, because when parents evening was over and we had both walked outside, back into the carpark. It was now the dark of night. My mum had waited in the car with Junior and Ruby the whole time. Tuesday night,’is a night where Junior sleeps over at Keirans.

Ruby & Junior had been having so much fun with Grandma in the car, that when Keiran came to take him, he didn’t want to go. He cried, he screamed and looked at me whilst shouting,

‘Just take me home Mum. Just take me home!!’

And it’s in those moments at night, where you’re stood in the cold, at thirty six, with your two children, your mum, in a giant faux fur, on the 7th of November, by a coal grey Mercedes, in a Private School car park, in Ackworth, Yorkshire…and all you want to do is cuddle your baby son..but you can’t because you have to watch him be picked up and pulled away to go to Daddy’s, as he looks at you and cries.

Those moments are hard. Those moments are really hard. Yet i’m taught myself to champion them.

As soon as I got into the car, Ruby looked at me and smiled…

Ruby: ‘I know your heart is breaking mum. I’m sad too. I miss Junior. But you still have ME tonight!!!’

(She beams at me.)

I pause.

My mum is looking at me, through the front mirror of the car. I’m in the back. Then as I breathe out, I too BEAM with the warmest smile, look to my left at Ruby and simply say, like the happiest, most excited person in all the world…

‘Yeah Babe. You’re right. I love you Roo. Let’s have some fun. How was school today??’

..Cos that’s what Mum’s do.

The car engine started and as my Mum smiles at me through the front mirror, we drive home.

It was GREAT seeing Junior this morning!

I’m off to Liverpool. Shit! And i’ve got a phone call to make. Don’t let me forget! Oh no! I thought it was an afternoon Liverpool thing, but it’s an evening!

Are the Northern Trains dodgy today?Why are they all cancelled??

Godda go.

Well That Went Wrong & Bibles…

What a night. Gosh! There I was thinking all was well. I worked all day. Shimmied through it, as per usual. Thought through new business deals. Talked through life with friends. Enjoyed Soya nuts with newly vegan ‘Hustle Barbie.’ Enjoyed cups of tea with ‘Fairytale.’ Secret giggled with ‘Firmonnell’ about idiocy. Appreciated that I didn’t do finance for a living. Drove home. Chilled a second. Poured a wine. Dashed for cuddles with Ruby and waited the arrival of Junior. (Who spent the day with his Dad.)

Oh gosh!

The arrival of Junior via his Father…Keiran.

You should all know the tale. If you don’t, I’ll fill you in. I’m a single mum of two. Both children have different fathers. I’m not with either gent, however we ALL get on really well and co parent the children better than anyone could EVER co parent. I used to be married to Keiran.

This evening, at around 7pm. Keiran shows up at my doorstep to drop Junior off, who was filled with Mummy love and life. As soon as arrives, he says..

‘I need to come in for a second. I need to speak to you.’

(When this happens, it’s usually something bad.)

‘Don’t worry. It’s not anything bad. Hang on….Ruby, Junior can you both just go into the living for a second, whilst I talk to your mum.’

Junior refuses to. But Ruby just seems to get the score without a moments prompting (almost like she had seen this little shindig happen a million times before,) so she hold hers brother’s hand, whilst she walks him into the living room, and tells him she’s going to read him a story.

So, I’m an open girl and I’ve always made sure whilst raising the kids, that I keep everything with Ruby, Junior and I expressive and open. So I don’t like closed doors, drama and whispers. Especially in my own home. You can’t come into someone elses home and do that. It creates a sense of awkwardness.

Anyway…he begins with…

‘Don’t be alarmed…’

It’s never good when people start with a sentence of sorts. But he explained a situation that I already knew about…so with a warmth, I just smile and say,

‘Yeah, don’t worry. That’s fine.’

(I’m good with the BIG STUFF.)

He thanks me. Everything’s fine. (Awful word is ‘fine,’ as it rarely means dandy.) He seems relived. We’re all smiley. Things are sorted. I expect him to now leave, after the baby drop off…

Then no……..because ofcourse in Wunna Land is EVER that simple.

THEN Keiran decides he’s going to take it upon himself to try to convert me into being a Jehovah’s witness. 🙂 I’ve worked all day. I’m tired. This is my home time with the kids.

Basically….I’m having none of it. My SASS levels rise…I even had my kitten specs on lol….and without going into it all….Here is how it went…

‘Right! What YOU believe, is what YOU believe and i’m fine with that. But what I believe is what I believe and YOU NEED TO BE cool with that. I’m not someone who wants to hear about flipping Jehovah or Armageddon or some juicy little paradise that you think that you’re going to at 7pm at night.

I believe in life and just living it in the now and i’m fine with that. I don’t wish to be weirdly immortal forever. When i’m alive, I’m alive and when i’m dead i’m dead. What matters to me is NOW. I could walk out of this house and get run over by some manic driver and it’ll all be over. Right NOW is what matters to me and right now, I could be spending time with the kids, who I adore, instead of talking about the Bible with you!!

You can’t tell me what will happen to me when I die, because you don’t flipping know.’

‘I do know. It’s the word of GOD.  We need to meet up and do Bible Studies.’

WHAT!!!! Don’t talk shit at me Keiran. When we met in a gym six years ago, you were a completely different person. ANN SUMMERS SPONSORED OUR WEDDING!!!! I don’t try to tell you how to live your life. Don’t push yours on mine. It’s like me trying to tell someone what it’s like to be in the Army, when i’ve never experience BEING in the Army. I can only tell someone what I THINK i know, where you would actually know what its like to be in the Army. Get it???’

 ‘Yes. I completely get it.’

He almost stops…But no…he goes on…

‘Why don’t you wish to be immortal forever… You don’t want to end up in paradise?’

‘WHAT!!! What are you on about! I’M FLIPPIING HAPPY. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I ‘M HAPPY, THE CHILDREN ARE HAPPY AND LET ME TELL YOU…DURING MY LAST SECONDS ON EARTH, I’M NOT GOING TO BE WISH I HAD READ VERSE 43 OF THE FLIPPING BIBLE AM I! I’M GOING TO BEGGING TO SEE MY KIDS FOR ONE LAST TIME!!’

By this point, I was FUMING and he knew it. (It must’ve been the ex wife scowl.) And I never lose my rag. I’m  usually so chilled, I could be laid on a flamingo lilo, floating around a pool, in the sunshine, with my pina colada and a wink. But I lost it with him today. Calmly. But FIRMLY. And i lost it because he kept trying to FORCE me to believe something I didn’t and DON’T believe in. And I understand Keiran better than anyone. I get why he’s where he’s at right now in life..No one in the world is MORE understanding that I am. I don’t judge anyone. I respect him. I respect the beliefs of others. But you don’t come into Wunna land and ….well… you get it.

YOU DON’T NEED A WORD.

I don’t need a Bible study session. God loves me. I’m good with God.

Here’s the moral…..

The moral of the story is to not force people to do things that they don’t wish to do. YET also for you as humans, to always stand by what you believe is morally right. DO life, YOUR WAY.

It’s your version of it.

Respect people for what they believe in. What they stand for. We’re all different and that’s what’s great about us and after the world’s taken a turn, Keiran and i will just go back to ‘happy go lucky’ co parenting again, like it never even happened.  And I like that.

Anyway, he knew it was time to leave…and with smiles galore and a…

‘Please don’t swear Chrissie…Satan will….’

‘If I wanna swear, i’ll swear. I’m not doing Bible studies with you Keiran. I’m not that lost. I’m really busy and right now I just want to spend some time with the children’

He was actually really pleasant about it all…even though he might have eyed up my boobs a little…(Hmmm…not very religious of him) and then he left.

‘I’ll text you.’

I shut the door.

Ruby: ’ I heard all that! Let’s just get into our comfies and watch some telly Mum.’

And just like that…Wunna land refound it’s fabulousity and got back to normal… with a fresh wine pour and a wink!

PS/ Ann Summers did actually sponsor our wedding years ago and our wedding table favours were limited edition delicately wrapped ‘bullets’ and cock rings. Lol. It was all about pleasure. 😉

Then we split up. And weirdly as stories and chapters go….The break up, was the best thing (on both sides) that we could’ve ever done.