Mums Night, Pink Gin & Trainer’s named ‘Oral?’

You have my greatest apologies for the lateness of this blog. Life is deliciously manic right now. It’s mad. Yet the word i’m gonna focus on is ‘delicious.‘ Anytime I have, where Wunna Land turns ‘lickety lips, Mmmm yeah,’ we’re still okay right? I’m still okay, right?

I’m excited.

(My eyes are sore as hell today, though. I fell asleep on the sofa by the Christmas tree and shocked myself up by a Tiger Beer, with only one eyelash on. Don’t you dare try and tell me i’m not a superstar! Haha.) 

I’m currently over the moon. I’m feeling lucky. I’m feeling grateful. But before I *shimmie* my way to all that, good stuff….Thursday night was  School Mums night.

A night that I weirdly treasure….

It’s actually taken me ages to write this blog because I couldn’t decide which bits were real, which bits i’ve made up in my head and which bits I actually wanted to tell you about?

I’ve had writers block. No. That’s a lie, i’ve had a muddly head over it all…because I can’t tell you everything, the way I want to to tell you it. 🙂

Oh LORD! Haha.

In the end (which is now,) I just went with… ‘blog it out anyway.’ I’ve got so much going on with First Dates episode airing soon etc…I just need to get back on my Unicorn and frisbee this blog out. Y’know, ‘move the road work signs‘ myself, instead of fucking around, like a noodle. (Do noodles fuck around? Haha)

So here goes….

Thursday night. I had two events that I could’ve gone to, or a film premier if I fancied. I turned them ALL down to go on School Mums night. It was my first choice of action, because I adore the mums and why not hang out with a bunch of people I DO know, instead of walking a red carpet with a bunch of people I don’t really know, right?

Events are work and I get that I have a tv appearance about to air. I understand that, I should be concentrating on the ‘being seen part of life, right now.

Yet at 37, i’m not so arsed about the ‘show’ of it all and utterly happy with the fact that I get to keep it simple and just ‘diary’ life out.

Some call it ‘dumb.’ Some call it ‘smart.’ I call it real. 

However, I AM GOOD, at ‘the show’ of it all… 😉 I just prioritize differently….now that i’m a grown up.

Anyway, School Mums Night.

( School Mums night doesn’t happen often. Yet, these ladies are all ladies who I respect and if i’m being honest, I really enjoy being around them. It’s the real life engagements that matter to me, always. That’s why I adore the 30 year old version of myself, because the 20 year old ‘Hollywood’ version of me….would’ve chose differently.)

I’m rambling…Let’s get to it…

(Why am I fucking rambling??? POUR ME A COCKTAIL!!)

Thursday night, I’m with the Mums at Ego, in Ackworth. We all have kids who go to a nearby Private school and since our children are doing this journey together, we try to be close. We try to make the effort to stay close and be acquainted, via the fine art of Whatsapp groups, kindness and all sorts.

These ladies are GREAT WOMEN. Successful women. Y’know, the powerful kind and you can see each of their stories when you look into their eyes.

I scanned the table and read each one’s life, in a second….I always do that, but I tend to wiggle it off with banter and bimbo-isms. 😉 

Their souls are alive, dominant and strong. They’re busy women, or home makers. Yet there’s a warmth to them, even though they seem like they’re the Queen of their own worlds.

I find it ravishing.

We’re all different from one another. But we’re ALL WONDERFUL. 😉 We each possess our own superpower. I couldn’t have celebrated Thursday night… with a better set of Ladies.

THANKFULLY, it was OVER WINE… 🙂 Haha.

We were actually meant to go to Wakefield, to do tapas at Jose’s. Yet at the last minute we ended up at Ego in Ackworth, simply because it was easier. Some were fine. Others were distracted by traffic, by Christmas tree lighting’s, hard times and Dr. Ranj.

I personally didn’t actually care where we went, (I didn’t want to see Dr.Ranj though. Haha. I’d already seen him gyrating merrily at the Diversity in Media Awards on the dance floor, in a beautiful suit and he was ace. I’ve already ticked that off my bucket list. Just give me a strong cocktail.) 

ANYWAY…

‘Shall we make it Ego?’

(Miss.Murphy is always great because she’ll catch a vibe and solve a problem immediately. She’s sexy. I’ll catch a vibe but do nothing about it. Haha. She’s good at directing. She’s good at Sheep herding. She can cut through the muddle, the mist. She heard dithering and she whopped it’s ‘baby powered’ ass, with ‘ooh laa.’)

Me: ‘Honestly, it could be in Paris and I’d fly there…’

(I’d like a Mums dinner in Paris. I need to tug at their inner adventure… 🙂  Saying that.. Miss.Muprhy & I couldn’t even remember to show up at the right time for school pick up yesterday….Maybe Paris is a bit of a lofty goal…? )

Miss.Murphy: ‘I forgot it was ******* Christmas Bauble Painting. I’m sat in my car waiting..’

Me: ‘ME TOO! I’ve had to go to ******* Ego..’

(You’re allowed to go to the bar, when you do things wrong. Don’t judge me. Plus, I get away with it because I’m the wild one…)

I’m certainly the most annoying School Mum. But I just like a good time. Then I like to dash my ‘good time’ with uncensored banter and with a wine glass in my hand.

I reckon I’m an alcoholic…Not even a functioning one…

Everything got sorted…(Not by me. Lol.) I just went with ‘whatever,’ because at the end of the day..fuck it. I need wine and I don’t like spaces between my wine drinking. 😉

Booyah!

I arrive at Ego first because I had a meeting there previous for a Cosmopolitan feature. Lil’ Miss Childs joined me, but tried to scare me with the old ‘cold hands’ trick.

(My arms do ‘Karate Chops’ if you try and scare me. I don’t know why or how? They just burst into ‘Karate’ mode and I think it’s bevause I’m Asian?)

Lil’ Miss Childs: ‘I tried to scare you…’

Me: ‘You can’t scare me when i’m sat in front of a giant mirror that can SEE YOU, you idiot. I told Miss. Murphy, that i’d punch you if you didn’t get drunk tonight.’

Lil’ Miss.Childs: ‘ Hahah. I’m getting a drink..’

I love Lil’Miss.Childs. She’s fun and puts up with my bullshit.

Everyone starts arriving one by one and getting a drink at the bar. The pleasantries are made. It’s always polite and head noddy at first…Until it kicks in. Then my squinty little eyes saw a new Mum venture to the bar and bring back an entire bottle of red as her first drink…Lol…So, I figured, dinner was either going to go REALLY well, or really badly. 😉

YIPPEEE!!!

We’re all seated at a really long table at Ego…and our dinner out commences…

I could’ve sat at the table and just drank all night. I’m really not an eater, on a night out. I’m awful for it. But I got the linguine and swirled it into my belly for substance.

Drinks, dinner and all sorts were served over banter…and even though some of us are closer than others, we kinda got to know a little bit more about the person sitting next to us…..via the fine art of polite ‘drilling.’ 😉

I’m a shit, so i’ll just talk, without censor. It is literally ‘The Real Housewives of Yorkshire.’

(I’m still not over the fact that School Mum Lori turned ‘Real Housewives of Marbella’ down. Lol. I love Lori madly…Especially now that I know she can ice skate backwards!! I love anyone who can ice skate because I think it’s so beautifully impossible!!)

Then she said this…

‘I just wanted to smash that bottle of wine over her head.’

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Her daughter had the most brilliant ‘Greatest Showman’ themed party, and some really forgetful lady, who owned the party venue forgot to show up, open up and let Lori in to set up. (She apparently showed up sometime later…with a bottle of wine. Haha.)

More drinks were poured. More table banter was exchanged. New Mum ‘Alice’ had arrived.  I like Alice because I bumped into her the next day and she was alarmed at how little everyone drank…

Alice: ‘I was planning to get a taxi home and roll in late. But no-one seemed to be drinking, so I just had a gin & tonic?!’

Me: ‘You we’re just sat at the wrong end of the table! 🤣🤣’

(I’m sure I woke up still pissed?)

Anyway, after linguine we get talking about working out…

Lori: ‘You need to do a class..’

Me: ‘I think I need a trainer.’

Miss.Murphy: ‘You need MY trainer. His name is ‘Oral!’

HOLD UP! What!?! As if she has the joy of being stretched out and trained by a burly ‘chunka hunka’ who’s name is pronounced ‘ORAL!’

I want her life! I want ‘ORAL.’ If she doesn’t share him, I’m going to poke her in the eye…She can’t run well with ONE GOOD eye, can she? Then he’ll be ALL MINE!!! (Saying that, she’s raising some kind of sports champion..)

Miss.Murphy: ‘His name’s pronounced *ORAL.* I can walk into work and say *i’ve just had 30 minutes Oral and i’m aching…* They love it!’

Whoever he is! I need him. Does PT-ing work the same here, as it does in LA? 😉🤣 I swear all my guy friends took jobs as personal trainers, when we were young, simply to ‘bone’ as many Beverly Hills Mums, as possible. Now, that I AM a Mum…I’m kinda in!

Then we talked work, PR, Uni, Goldsmiths, Professional Present Wrappers…

Me: ‘Who the fuck can wrap like that!’

Lil’ Miss Childs: ‘I CAN, Chrissie!’

Then we went onto life, partners, money and it came to paying the bill….

So…

USUALLY…we don’t care who’s had what, we’ll just split it, right?

Normal protocol…

But for some reason, it all got really complicated…and I don’t enjoy complications. I’m lazy like that….I like things to be easy….and…I kinda like things to be socially correct. Lol.

I went with it anyway, because I felt too awkward. Haha.

The night ended merrily…

With text messages like..

‘Your carriage awaits..’

Followed by…

‘I’m on my way…’

Everyone ventured home and I stood outside, to have a farewell banter with Miss.Murphy & Lil’Miss.Childs…

Farewell turned into…

‘Let’s have more drinks…’

‘Where?’

’There’s tons of pubs up here…!’

‘COME ON!’

‘No, I’m being sensible..’

‘We’re going for drinks…’

And before you know it, Lil’ Miss.Childs and I were strutting up to the next pub, at around 11pm, talking love…

Miss.Childs: ‘You should be with Pete! I like him. I’ve been with Dylan since I was 15!’

Me: ‘Nooooo… I’m not being with Pete. We just co-parent well! Everyone loves PETE! Haha.’

Just like that, I blinked and found us sat in a cosy village pub, all warm and merry, with giant pink gins as our companions.

We laughed the rest of the night away, loudly, merrily and without a care in the world…WITHOUT censor.

Then i’m sure she tried to convince me that she wanted to be a ‘Wrapper.’ But everytime she said it, she must’ve looked into my mind because she kept pissing herself and saying…

‘I keep saying WRAPPER, but it’s sounding like I mean RAPPER. Lol’

I couldn’t take her seriously after pink gin!

I was literally in stitches because every second she said ‘wrapper’ I imagined her desperately wanting to be a gangsta!

What a great way to end the night!

Me: ‘Should we have another…?’

Lil’Miss.Childs: ‘Chrissie! They’re shut now!!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will you still love me….

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I had such a ‘drama’ Monday, after the most blissful & peaceful weekend of ‘family.’ I’ve got so much going on, that i’m filling myself with a delicious flourish of stress. It’s kinda topped up with that beautiful thing we call ‘anxiety,’ simply because i’m terrified. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me? So, i’m gonna go with hormones?

I’m back on the telly shortly…That’s worrying me. I’ve got a lot to organise with the kids…That’s worrying me. I have shoots galore and auditions coming out my ‘hooty..’ That’s worrying me. My love life is *whizzing* around me, almost madly…I don’t even know what’s going on? Yes. I get a lot of attention. Yes, I’m single.

However, I’m noticing that, if I ever begin to feel for anyone, I get stressed out, because giant *CAUTION* signs go up everywhere. I’ve always had a shit love life. So, it’s scary. Plus,  I’m absolutely emotional, so to me, it only means ‘danger.‘ I do not ever want to get my heartbroken again….EVER. I tread carefully. (Well…fuck that. I ‘stiletto.’)

I have travels and schedules and places to influence…Everything’s a juggle…Sometimes, I panic and I can’t even breathe. (Cue: Drama 😉 )

But the weird thing is, i’m HAPPY. I’m really happy and maybe being so happy, or so lucky, makes me worry because LET ME TELL YOU, my life hasn’t been so easy….Haha. It’s laughable.

Basically, I’m scared of everything right now, because i’m having to pinch myself…and I need to ‘Man up,’ count my blessings and get on with it, with panache.

Anyway…

At the weekend, I did Meadowhall with The Wunna’s and Ruby. (Junior was at his Dads.) We were pretty much treated like Meadowhall shopping royalty (and I thank you for that, because I don’t even know why?) It did feel wonderful though.

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We shopped and stopped at Wagamama’s. Then after cocktail refuels, toy stores, makeup counters, new hair (we all need those extra few inches,) and my brand new chakra beads…Life felt almost perfect.

Ruby: ‘Mum. You’re chakra beads are not working. You’re CRAZY. You’re still nuts. They don’t work.’

(She is right, though. Even though I told her to ‘shush.‘ At this rate, i’m gonna need to see Buddha and get blessed by monks, or something! Maybe i’m just not meant for ‘Total Enlightenment.’ Maybe, i’m meant to live this ridiculous life of pathetic glory, for your entertainment… Haha.)

I’m starting to believe that…

‘Hey Destiny…You’ve fucked me over. You’re off the Christmas card list! You’re chilling on the naughty list, with Cupid and a few Pretty Boy exes from 2004.’

This is how I feel right now…

Like I’ve drank 42 energy drinks, had a bottle of rum, taken all my clothes off, and then thrown MYSELF to the lions.

Then…because i’m not at all mental….

…I lost the car…I always lose the car…Oh! Wait!! I don’t mean?Ugh. I’m rambling. I didn’t REALLY lose the car! I kinda ‘misplaced’ it? Y’know, when you can’t quite remember where you left it? 🙂 My Mum, drove home, because obviously, I guzzled Aperol Spritzies…after The Disney Store.

Fair enough, there was lots of wine, brunches and fun over the weekend. I checked in with my friends…briefly. Got on top of work. Then just relaxed with the kids. However….one of my favourite moments of the weekend, was the ‘school mum..’ catch up…

(There was a kids birthday party over the weekend…)

Miss.Murphy: ‘What are you wearing!?! Lol. Who wears glitter shoes to a kids party..?? Haha.’

Me: ‘Shut up. Lol. These are my driving shoes.’

Sam: ‘Does Ruby want Pizza?’

Me: ‘It’s like the Real Housewives of Yorkshire…’

Mum: ‘I got asked to be on Real Housewives of Marbella, a while ago, but I said no…I’m too boring, for it!’

Me: ‘You said NO! As if you said NO!! I can’t believe you said no. I would’ve moved to Marbella, to have done it. Haha.’

( I live for that show…It calms me, when I’m stressed. Yet, so does the occasional Jeremy Kyle episode…? So, yeah…I’m mental. Ignore me.)

Other Mum: ‘Oh yeah. I’m gonna be flying away with him.’

Miss. Murphy: ‘You’re actually going now! What about…?’

Other Mum: ‘Oh…he doesn’t know..’

Miss.Murphy: ‘You said he was fat and bald…But he’s not at all?’

Me: ‘How have I sat here for an hour and not known it’s your birthday today!!’ 

Miss. Murphy: ‘So, are you seeing your date again?’

I never thought i’d be a traditional ‘school mum.’ Yet, there’s just something about this group of Mamas, that is filled with the ‘sexy.’ They’re actually not traditional, school mums, in rain macs. They’re alive. They’re fun. They have designer shoes that read ‘LOVE.’ Louis Vuitton handbags and possible stables…’

They’re, what I call ‘Prosecco Mums,’ and I love them, madly. I’m like the tragic misfit of the bunch. The single, no husband, disorganized one, with a suggestive Insta profile…

We’re all really different from one another. Yet, w’re all great women. Confident women. Great mothers and well, I just really enjoy they’re company.

Then all our kids ruined everything and shoved tall plastic, slush palm trees, in our faces… 

At that point, the gossip got censored…

My inbox is * pinging,* almost every minute, with people asking me about my love life and my last date etc…

All I can tell you is that, the guy that I did the Manchester Airport date with, was wonderful. He says he wants to see me again, and I definitely will. I found him really sexy and confident. He’s smart and thoughtful. I liked him. I’find him interesting…I want to know lots about him…I’ll definitely be meeting him again. (I’m only one ‘meeting’ in. So it’s all ‘early doors.’)

I’m just treading carefully…Like I said, I’m not bothered about getting my heart broken, right now, when I have so much going on…

I eventually want to fall in love. I’m a true romantic. I want to be swept off my feet. Adored. Respected. And y’know, in that one meet up, my date was that! He was a REAL MAN, which made me notice that I’d not only been looking in the wrong place for love, but i’d wasted a lot of my time, on ‘little boys.’  At 37 years old, I don’t need to be doing that!

When it comes to love…

…this time..because obviously i’ve been married three times and had numerous flings and relationships..I want to PROPERLY fall in love. I want it to be stable and forever…with no stress. No drama.

And I do want to just say, that even though on paper, i’ve dated, romanced, flinged, loved, married, divorced, sexed..and well…just all sorts, with men, all over the world.

DO KNOW THAT….

… I never did all that because I was a floozy. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions about me. I’m a love bunny. There were options. I was young. A glamour model. Off the telly…Growing up in Hollywood…All sorts.

Yet, I never was and still not a man eater. I’m non judgemental. I’m modern. Yet when it comes to love, I’m quite ‘fairytale.’ I’m quite traditional…I’m a hopeless romantic, with a capital ‘H.’

I’m tragic…

So, every single time, I went into these encounters, with men, boys, gents, or misfits..

I always hoped (like any girl or woman,) that they would love me forever.

It just didn’t and still hasn’t quite worked out that way….

It’s actually only when I suddenly realise, that they guy i’ve been chatting to, or dating, only see’s me as  a ‘bed notch’ or someone they daren’t date… It was only THEN…at that point, when I HAVE to  file the encounter under ‘casual,‘ and ‘take it on the chin,’ without being embarrassed.

So i’m accidentally, a sassy, sexy, modern day woman.

The ‘Brand’ goes alongside that….and that’s fine with me, as it makes me very ‘now.’ It gives me the necessary ‘street cred.’ I’m swag. I’m cool…I’m…Blah, blah….

You get it…

Y’see, when it comes to WORK, I am that. I’m fire. I’m determined. I’m ambitious. I’m a glamourous, kitty DIVA, sprayed over, in solid steel, showers of glitter. Champagne pops around me and naughty winks, fill my walk way…

When it comes to love…I’m the opposite.

I’m not someone who really wants random casual sex. I love sex. But i don’t play a numbers game. I want to feeel a connection.

Plus, If i’m honest, I can have sex with anyone… I have an inbox full of offers…almost every few minutes.

That doesn’t make me feel mighty. It’s flattering. I appreciate the ‘adoration..’ Of course I do….

If anything it stresses me out, because I think, ‘how the hell can I have so much attention and not find Mr.Right. That ONE MAN, who will truly love and treasure me forever?’

I’m ready to fall in love…

I’m just scared to….

It makes me anxious…

Anyway…

Away from all that…Sunday morning was great because before Meadowhall, I got to chatter to Lil’ Sam Reece. I shouldn’t call him ‘Lil’ as he’s pretty grown. He’s a good guy.  I’ve referred to him as ‘Tats’ on this blog before.

I like waking up on a Sunday morning to a Reecy phone ‘ping.’ We’ll just have brief morning banter. ..then get on with life. We chatter in ‘spits & spots’ a lot. We both always have really shit love lives…We’re both ‘Yorkshire.’ We actually get on well. It’s easy. We wired the same way. We have the same banter.. This Sunday we talked ‘car bonnets/hotels and flat caps.’ 

I was actually gonna meet him for drinks..But I ended up doing Meadowhall instead and he ended up doing boy drinks…

But he’s a good guy. So I have a lot of respect for our Sam. He’s a good buddy…I’d see Sam as the kinda guy, i’d go for a drink with and kiss in the elevator when no one was looking. Haha!

(That hasn’t happened, by the way, before you all get excited. But i’d definitely kiss him in an elevator…It’d be a waste of ‘sexy’ people, if not. I don’t like to waste sexy people. You only live once.)

Right! I’m off!

Have a fantastic Tuesday!!

I love you.

Chrissie x

ps/ I’m about to step up my game…So strap in!

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Miss Kitty is BACK

I’m back dolls! How are you?? Oh my god. Sorry for my quick shimmie left with a wink exit….I’ve been in London. So, there hasn’t been a blog because I’ve been busy, I’ve been away, I was filming a little something and when I returned to that good old northern soil, I was blissfully shattered. I’ve had a lay in for 3 days straight and it’s amazing. Never happens. I have no hard work until the 21st, so right now i’m on a sassy recoup and boy do i fucking need it. Lol.

Right, obviously, I can’t tell you anything about my dandy little filming trip, yet you will get to see it…and all i can say about it was that as soon as my little kitten feet landed in The Capital, life turned to glitzy roses and *whoosh* it was a magical swirl of absolute glorious good times, dazzled in madness, shimmied in laughter. In that moment I felt really lucky to have such an ace life and to just be surrounded by really wonderful ‘like minded humans. I loved it. It was actually so great that it was almost surreal…like it was just a dream and never actually happened. I keep flash backing it to relive it in my head. Yes, I may have got carried away, but that’s what i do innit? Lol. I’ve actually written the blog on my time in London…as I you always have to write things in the moment, to keep it live enough for you to touch and live with me. But again, that wont get posted, until it’s meant to.

People always say that I’ve done so much in my life…that I’ve lived..and done it with bells on. But you’ve done it with me. You’ve gone through my awful ups and downs and cheered me on, even when i didn’t deserve it. Haha. So yeah, I guess i’ve done ‘so much,’ however, really i’ve just strutted around in heels and big hair and watched MUCH kinda DO ME. I don’t know how i’ve managed to survive it. But I have. I am. And i’m still bloody smiling.

Okay, but away from the jazzle. I got back to Yorkshire, messaged a guy on the train ride home, didn’t even get undressed and passed out, fast asleep in my bed blissfully…after pouring a wine that i thought i needed. Napped. Got up. Still felt shitty, but got on with life…I’m not a sulker am I? I mean fuck it, I even managed to snapchat my nap, with fabulous hair, so I couldn’t have felt that dodgy.

The rest of the few days as just been chills. I love recouping. It is bliss. I zoomed over to my chick friend ‘Firmonnells’ BBQ and kicked it family style over Doncaster spicy chicken with Big D and Little T and her babies. We drank Desperados and gossiped about my London time, as I gave Little T a ‘dreams come true’ talk, they listened to my love life banter and then we made fun of people who ‘aren’t in the game.’

‘You can’t call me Suzy Wu, if you’re not in the fucking game dude!!’

I kinda got home late via taxi and after a series of the traditional Wunna Snapchat selfies (Add me Chrissiewunna1) and with blips of chitter chatter, I got home and send a ‘needy’ message. Hmm….?

After a bit of arseiness, everything was dandy. The key to everything is to not be tired and text. Not be emotional and text. Not be both. Or hungover. Or just come back from filming a show and text. Just sleep on it….The quicker you bounce back from anything, the better the human you are. Almost makes you invincible. I don’t waste my time on being a pansy. I’m not some that can be arsed with holding anything let alone a grudge. Yet the main thing is…i just understand people…

Anyway, I’ve been chilling with Ruby and Junior and delighting in being Mum. Were trying to name a kitten. I’m resting up. I have big shoots, a book to write and fun brands to work with…so I’ve kinda got to get my head back to normal and smash it all with titty jiggles.

I started off my day by watching the ‘BEST OF JACKASS.’ (Which I love.) It’s weird because i’m such a girl and such a glamour puss. I love love and hair and heels. I radiate femininity like it’s a fragrance that woos the nation..but I have such an inappropriate sense of humour. I have a boy ‘locker room’ sense of fun, which is devastating. Haha. It’s a twisted sense of rubbish ‘pranky’ awkward humour that runs through my system and I love it. I mean, GOD, I love a bit of ‘Real Housewives…’ yet can’t wait to watch the BOXING. I don’t even know why? It must mean i’m greatness…

Anyway, this blog was just a catch up. so you have my apologies for it’s shitness. I just needed to get back on that horse. I’m on chills and picture taking for the rest of the week. But at least I managed to write the blog, I kept glaring at my pink laptop like it had the lergy. I couldn’t bring myself around to do it.

But it’s done…stay tuned…i’m on FIRE. I actually have a really rest of the year…I feel lucky.