My Spanish Getaway, Paps & Geordies….

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Two and a Half hours later, I shimmie onto Spanish soil, feeling sort of relieved, filled with excitement…and maybe a plane wine? I did random selfies at the request of a hen do and a happy ‘flying solo’ dude, who had no clue why they were requesting selfies, but didn’t want to miss out on the action…or boobs?

I met up with a new friend of mine.. Simone. Last  year she spent part of her Summer trapped in the flipping ‘Big Brother’ house and well she caused a bit of a stinker. (And she farted on the plane journey to Spain, yet pretended to be asleep so no one thought it was her. She couldn’t even TELL me the story without pissing herself.)

To me, she’s ace. She’s one hell of a fun loving, GEORDIE. She’s wild without punctuation and we’ve walked really DIFFERENT life paths…

‘I literally grew up on the roughest estate, Chrissie! My life has been hard! Me Mam’s….***&*(*&$. Me Dad’s *&)(*££”$*** But y’know what, I’m grateful that I’m here…and doing well. But I can’t spell for shit.’

‘I love that. You crack me up. You’re gorgeous. I have Doctor parents, tinkered through private school, grew up in Hollywood, then lived with Paris Hilton, after a modeling career. It’s hilarious.’

Her soul is quite kitten soft. She’s like a child, she’s gentle. She has a heart of gold and I love her for it. BUT SHE’S MAD! MY exterior SEEMS child like, but I’m all grown up on the inside. I’m like the responsible one. Yet, no matter what, life brought us together and weirdly…set us in the exact same place…We ended up in the exact same position…at the exact same time…

WE GET ALONG REALLY REALLY WELL! Teamed up! We are the BEST BALANCE of FUN! It’s like a Northern tornado…But not lame….I’ll just ‘Chanel’ your ass with ‘slay’ wit, if you annoy me and she’ll just be really patient..before she slaps you. Lol.

We got straight to the apartment, which had the most beautiful surrounding views.  We were so lucky. Our pad was AMAZING and we were dripped in sunshine. We could see over sandy beaches…from our glossy Spanish heights. It was A DREAM. I couldn’t believe that I’d woken up at 4am in Leeds and hours later blinked myself to Spain.

We kinda couldn’t check in for around 20 minutes though. So in that time, as I looked over views….that let me spy oldies on a NUDIST BEACH. It’s always the oldies that love a skinny dip, innit! 😉

Yipppppppppppeeee!

Simone, stripped off STARK NAKED, in the middle of glass walls, got changed, whopped on some tunes, selfied, happy danced, then decided to dance on coffee tables. Lol. She was the Happiest Geordie IN ALL OF THE LAND. Then I moaned because my wifi wasn’t working….I hate no wifi…and i’m a DIVA. 🙂

Me: ‘How the fuck can you post everything and my Snapchat won’t even work!’

Simone: ‘Take a selfie of me in this fucking MINT light!’

(Say the above in your best Geordie accent.)

An hour later and we were both in bikini, poolside, greeting Scottish people and dying for a wine.

Me: ‘I need a drink me…’

Simone: ‘Well i’ve put 20 euro in my bag.’

After messing around by the pool. (We had so much fun. We’re cheeky!) Twin shower blitzing, pool splashing with winks, sun bathing with our sexy bits out, selfie taking, banter, binter…All things ‘GIRLS…’ All things LIFE….Anyway, we then figured we’d head down to the beach.

We didn’t think to put any clothes on though? (We’re both naturally exhibitionists.) Like I don’t care one bit, if i have a boob out, or a nip slip. I’m immune to it. She’s pretty much the same. She could only have a fig leaf on her crotch and not notice. I love that about her, because it’s awkward for me if others are all ‘ooh, not my body’ this….or ‘oooh, not my body’ that…because i’m so, naturally, ‘Yay,  everything nudie.’

We walk down to the beach…in our bikinis. I’m in the cheetah, two piece by Pretty Little Thing. We’re Insta Storying, so people are staring at us, as we pass. We’re not good at doing anything quietly, or away from oncoming traffic. Yet, we’re not deliberately ‘LOOK AT ME’ loud, we’re far too busy being caught up, in our own giant bubble.

A war could’ve started and we wouldn’t have even noticed…We’d still be selfie taking. Is this why I’m not married? Lol.

When we finally find our sandy little spot. We start talking life, we played in the sea….We basically just chilled and had the most fun EVER. And even though the beach was packed. It felt like there was no one, but us there! We notice anything else. It was blissful. Every single second, we couldn’t stop repeating how lucky we were! It felt like the ‘getaway’ of all ‘getaways.’

We enjoyed the sun. We settled…and then as we laid down towels to sunbathe….out popped Aaron...(Aaron is Britian’s Youngest Pap.) He has shot some of the UK’s biggest celebs via *papping,* for the national press.) We both know him really well, as he’s photographed us BOTH, at some point.. separately. In fact, he *papped* my last night out with Lisa (as in ‘Appleton,’) in Blackpool and to be honest, he’s actually become a really good friend now.

I have every respect for an 18 year old boy, working his arse off for a buck, a living and to make something for himself, in the future. I find it honourable. He’s doing better than some actual grown ups! Lol.

Anyway, from that point of ‘towel sunbathing,’ which was around 3pm…..on our very first day in Spain…to around 4pm… 2 days later….

…Our ENTIRE SPANISH HOLIDAY WAS *PAPPED.*

The whole thing, from beginning to end. From nine o clock in the morning, to six o clock at night..every day.

And to be honest, we’re natural show offs. We adore Aaron, so it didn’t really bother us one bit. In fact, I felt honoured. They don’t waste their time, if they don’t think they may have a shot that’s worth something? It kinda made me feel a bit special. And everyone loves feeling a bit special, don’t they. It’s the simple things.

But yeah, it was fun. It turned up the holiday heat. It made our time even more exciting. And I love excitement. I love adventure. I love a laugh. It made it that more playful. We were a really great team!

I will say that there WAS a point,  where we DID have to LEAVE the beach, because all these crowds had now bundled around us, a guy who did videos for the Spanish press had sauntered up to film us, on his phone and Whitby stag do’s had decided to sit on the wall and cheer at tits. And then an angry Spanish woman started screaming at Aaron and scowling at the fact that Simone had a bit of a boob out!

ARE YOU KIDDING! He properly stood his own though!

Me: ‘Shall we go get a drink?’ (Diffuses the drama.)

Simone: ‘Yeah, lets go…’

So, like the coolest douches in town, knowing that we had caused a commotion, we popped on our ‘sunnies’ and strutted like ‘we gave zero fucks ‘ Lol…to the nearest bar that sold cocktails.

We took Aaron with us for a drink and a chill…I mean, we couldn’t leave him there to get bollocked by the Crazy Spanish Lady. Plus, he needed a chill, he’d worked hard. However, he did state that he wouldn’t mind if inflatables or balls, were accidentally kicked in the Angry Spanish Ladies way…. 🙂 Or was it face? 😉

Simone ordered a Pina Colada…and I ordered a Long Island Ice Tea. Your first drink of the day, has to be as strong as… a bull’s knackers. I do Pina’s when i’m bored or need to sober up. She loves them because they’re girly.

THEN WE BOTH GOT BOLLOCKED AGAIN…LOL.

Everybody just decided to turn on us, because we were in bikinis??

Waitress: ‘Can you wear clothes please??’

Simone: ‘We’re IN CLOTHES..!!!!’

Me: ‘How is us in a bikini ANY DIFFERENT TO THEM IN SWIMMING SHORTS!!!!’

So we had to sit with towels wrapped around us…which in my mind looked more risque. It looked like we’d just had a kinky bath. Simone refused to ‘towel wrap..‘ so she got bollocked again Lol…But this time, by the owner…who had a flipping MOP in his hand. Lol.

( I only find that funny, because he ruined our Spanish dreams. You can’t bollock people holding a mop, because you can’t be taken seriously. We’re meant to be in Spain, bollock us in a like a hardcore Latino. I was once married to a Latin man, he came with a temper, not a whiff of floor cleaner.)

Anyway, I got away with my towel wrap, because I did that ‘swweeeeet little girl voice,‘ thang, that I do. It’s all posh, gentle, apologetic and filled with charm.

Simone did the Geordie…‘Hard as nails’ thing. Lol.

The rest of the holiday was great. I can’t really tell you to much about it, but I will as time goes along. We spent loads of time with Aaron, who was nothing but lovely to us….and after dinner that evening, we revisited out cocktail cravings together, by the beach and just told life tales.

It was bliss!

We walked about where life had taken us, dating, men…sex tapes, love, other people on tv shows…all sorts. We talked about how tough we had found relationships at times and how we sometime think that guys don’t like it when they’re partner tries to become or even so, ends up becoming a success, because it makes them feel insecure.

Is that true? I know it’s true with some guys. I know that for sure. I’ve experienced that. Yet, I reckon, no matter where you are in the worl, no matter what walk of life you tinker, your soulmate, your ideal match, with adore you madly, support you sincerely and stand by you through thick and thin, as he protects his wife, family with the heart of a lion.

Simone: ‘Let me sip it! That wine’s strong!’

Me: ‘I like strong. I’m not spending money on a glass of cream with an umbrella jabbed in it.’

Aaron: ‘You girls are hilarious!’

Aaron became a bit of what I called a ‘Colada Expert.‘ He had enjoyed so many, over the evenings, that he ‘connoisseur ed‘ the flavours. He could win ‘blind folded Colada competition’ trophies.

Aaron: ‘I much prefer the Mango. It’s better! Are they real life nuns?’

We actually had a really wonderful evening of banter with Aaron, the evening before I left, by the beach, with wine…..It showed how close friends we’d all become over time.

And i’ll definitely say that even though, that was probably THE MOST PICTURES, THAT I HAVE EVER HAD, TAKEN OF ME IN THE SPACE OF 2 AND A HALF DAYS.(and I grew up being a model, where my job was having my picture taken…) it was literally THE BEST TIME EVER! And i’m not joking, having your picture taken, pretty much 24/7, for 2 days straight… is not easy, as you think. It’s great. Always great! But without booze treats afterwards, you’d just be knackered. We were knackered. 

All three of us enjoyed really peaceful times, sat by the beach, as palm trees swayed over us and day turned to night. That’s what life is about. We deserved it because we’d worked SO SO HARD.

I couldn’t have felt luckier. The air swirling around me, even felt lucky.

Aaron: ‘Let me try and snapchat them nuns.’

It was THE BEST TIME!

Fair enough there were dodgy moments, where you could find Simone in comfies, with me sat next to her…. in this giant double bed, with no face on, a nighty and with multi coloured rollers in my hair.

‘Why do we look like an awkward married couple??? It’s really funny because we both have our own lingo. You’re all Geordie and i’m all Yorkshire…and I don’t know how we understand each other, but we do!’

And there were times, when she kept repeating Spanish… at Spanish people….having no clue what she was saying, whilst being Spanish…which probably wasn’t the best Geordie plan! Lol.

Me: ‘Stop doing that! Cos we’ll get into a fight and then we’re gonna have to turn around land pretend that we’re ten men, when we’re not.’

Simone: Shut up!’

Aaron: ‘Hahaha.’

Long Spanish story short, our sneaky getaway, actually turned into immense and thorough, full time, millions of sets….’picture taking.’ But we loved. We felt lucky. I had the best time!

By Saturday April 7th….

….As I got into my taxi, to make my way back to the airport….after a quick sunshine wine.

( Before I left, I spent some time on my own….I always need that. I love that. It reminds me that i’m still independent and that the world is my oyster. It reminds me of what life is about. The decisions we make and how okay it is, to just BE, just LIVE….and not give a shit about what other’s think about you, if they judge.)

Some of us have hard lives. Some of us have easy lives. But what we have in common IS LIFE….and out story is the most important story we’ll ever experience….

Enjoy it! Any way you wish!

But like I was saying, Simone tinkered, back to the airport, as her flight to Newcastle was earlier than mine….(It was actually really sad when she left, because she’s a girl that leaves a giddy atmosphere when she leaves you. She does that on purpose, because she’s a people pleaser…She loves to make you happy and excited.)

I’m playful, honest….but sassy….I leave a diamond mist of warmth and excitement… I like to call it a ‘swag.’ (‘The Swirl’ actually says that there’s a ‘swag’ about me.) 

Aaron stayed in Spain, to catch any other people, to maybe *pap* for the press. What a hustler. He works so hard for a 18 year old. I have great respect for him. He has the best job ever for a young boy! I’d do a few more coladas with him.

But like I said, as I stepped into MY taxi to travel back to the airport…As I did….I passed shoulders, with Survival of The FittestGeorgie’ and Ex on the Beach ‘Sophia,’ as they stepped out of theirs, to enjoy their own adventure.

Lucky Aaron, eh!

Within an hour, I  found myself at Alicante Airport….waiting with a vino, at a wine bar… for my plane to Leeds/Bradford airport. This time I was super early….I wasn’t having the Security shit go down on me again!

I remember everyone being super nice at the airport, or glaring at me, because I looked weird. I was knackered. I’ll tell you that! I was exhausted. I kinda just let my body surrender. Lol.

Straight away my driver (Pitstop rentals) whatsapped me to make sure I knew that he was going to be there for pick up…and to reconfirm my flight times…

I must’ve been moaney because i remember just feeling shattered and stating that I needed 100 wines, food and just to feel pampered…

Half an hour later….I was boarding my flight….

Alicante to Leeds/Bradford Airport… I was shattered but life felt wonderful!

 

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Friendship, Fights & The Backroom Leeds

Just the most amazing time in the city last night. I cherished, good times. No! Great times…with the people who I will always regard as my absolute closest . (Until I’m a superstar and never speak to them again. 😉 We’re like family and I’ve honestly had a great 2017 because of them.

I love the little swines and i’m really really lucky. I mean, not many people, in my position or way of life have a close bundle of friends, that the can trust and rely on. I do! We’re all really different from one another, yet each add a certain spice to the pot. If you have a problemo, a secret, a love….you’ll know which friend in the group to turn to…and in their own magical way, over cocktails, a cuddle, a whatsapp message, a warm dinner, a new set of heels, or a tissue….they’ll be right by your side, picking up the pieces.

I’m currently in Ego, Ackworth, sat infront of a huge mirror, with a half of Fosters, writing this blog….

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I adore a good mirror seat. One where it looks like I have my back to you, but I can see EVERYTHING.  My vanity gets the better of me. Yes. I’ll admit that. However, I also love the stories that mirrors tell. I’ve watched women with party hats and light up Christmas jumpers wander behind me. Business men. Families. Lone Rangers with quiet pints. Grown adults in weird Elf hats. Girls all a gossiping. And awkward humans on first dates. I love a mirror in the midst of a ‘busy bustle.’ It’s always so magical. Always so glamourous.

But anyway, last night I was out in the city…

As the story goes, the day turned to night. I had had a somewhat stressful day of ‘rushy.’ I HATE RUSHING. I’m a glamour puss. I do things in my own manner, with my own panache and at my own pacing. Not yesterday though. Fuck. I dashed to three cities, running errands, doing meetings, making sure Ruby & Junior were enjoying every inch of their Christmas holidays. I had a deadline. I needed to be ready. Then after the fastest totter, a warm bath, placing my phone on charge and a slip into my silver sequinned dress from the Kourtney Kardashian line for Pretty Little Thing….I dashed out the door, twinkled through the night sky, jumped in a taxi..

Driver: ‘I’m sure I’ve driven you around before. I remember your voice.’

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And Whatsapped ‘Double B’ with a…

‘I’m 3 mins away from yours…’

We drank wine out the bottle, all the way to ‘Firmonnells,’

Double B: ‘How many people do you reckon you’ve slept with?’

Me: ‘Why are they like cardboard cut outs?’

Double B: ‘They’re just Vanilla..’

(I once referred to one of my exes as ‘vanilla.’ He was in a boyband and I’d just come off a tv show for ITV2.  To this day he says I apparently broke his heart? However, surely if you say ‘I don’t want us to be together anymore Chrissie because I’m gay’ that would mean that no hearts were broken in the process. Well, maybe my heart? 😉

He said he loved me madly, yet never messaged me when we broke up because he didn’t know what to say. I just took that as ‘oh he doesn’t care’ and I was fine with that. You can’t MAKE someone love you. You can MAKE someone care about you. Yet ‘true love’ is a whole different potion. If they feel you in their spirit….they will always find their way back to you.

Yiddley Doooooooo!

Anyway, Double B and I apologized to the driver for making him listen to our sexy girl banter AAALLLLLL the way to ‘Firmonnells.’ Yet he assured us he LOVED IT.

Driver: ‘It’s made my night girls.’

We were joined by ‘Fairytale Blond’ and a bit of ‘Mama Sally.’ We did wee’s, drank prosecco, borrowed jackets, exchanged gold clutches and found ourselves on our way to Leeds city centre…our city….yet via THE SINGLE MOST AMAZING train station ever. I’ve never travelled from Garforth before. THEY SERVED BOTTLE PROSECCO, IN BOUJI PLASTIC CHAMPAGNE FLUTES, THROUGH A WINDOW ON THE ACTUAL PLATFORM!!! I know!!! It’s absolute BLISS! All you have to do is buy a bag of crisps with it (because you are only allowed booze with food) and you’re plain sailing and en route to Leeds, with a happy prosecco jiggle.

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With our drinks, in our dresses, with our heels in place and whilst the girls decided to MAKE FUN of my WONDERFUL peacock phone cover.

Double B: ‘What the fuck is that!!’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s fucking horrible.’

Me: ‘SHUT UP! The loveliest phone man gave it to me FOR FREE today, for a selfie, you dicks! I love it!!’

(It’s a golden peacock with diamante studs and multi coloured gems scattered throughout its tail. Lol I actually really do LOVE IT. They despise it and think it looks tacky, because they’re ‘haters’ and can’t handle my glamourisms. They even made a guy on the train tell me that he hated it too! Haha! What dicks)

Anyway within a second we pulled into Leeds, they’re all running like wild women to meet the rest of the group, and i’m trying to catch up, as i’m spilling my prosecco all over me and some guy in a hat with chatting to me about…can’t even remember really? If Santa was a chimney sweeper, it would be him. He was lovely!

Long story short. All met up at a train station bar…who wouldn’t let everyone in because they had reached capacity. It was THAT BUSY. The rest of the girls joined the group and the boys joined us also. Then through the busy city streets, we all walked up ‘hand in hand’ to Backroom Leeds, as ‘Firmonnell’ and I tried to decide if we were actually lesbians?

Me: ‘But I really DO fancy Ellen Degeneres.’

Firmonnell: ‘But what about when you need a penis in you after they’ve…’

The Backroom was great! It’s a small decadent, ‘speakeasy’ bar on Call Lane. Plays the best music. Has a private outdoor terrace. And we had the whole downstairs floor/bar, to ourselves, as our own. It was just for us, our whole group and that was that.

The night was AMAZING.

Slowly but surely, everyone we knew trickled in, piece by piece, a wink at time, the boys in shirts, the girls in short dresses and heels. We love to glam it up…so each ‘trickle’ was dressed to the nines, straight to the bar and with ‘good time’ glint in their eyes. It’s always great when it’s just us, because anything goes, no one will judge and we can all pretty much surrender to the art of celebrating life, the year and friendship….. in the most pissed fashion, forget to eat the yummiest finger food and with all the free drinks that our tokens will allow us.

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We danced, we flirted, we booty popped, we ‘dutty wined,’ we let loose, we turned wild, we snapchatted, we kissy cheeked, we all thought we were sexier than we probably were and we DRANK….we fucking DRANK! Hustle Barbie fell on the floor AGAIN…took ‘Fairytale’ and ‘Double B’ with her. Lol

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Hustle Barbie: ‘It’s my new thing.’

Cuddles and kisses and sequins and hip hop tracks.

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Mood lighting, shots, hair tosses and fresh air terraces.

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Gossips, lies, drama and whispers….

At one point i think my whole entire top fell down for a second, due my excessive booty dance routine. I have no booty, so I have to really work at the back shimmie. Caused boobies to fall out because my dress was too big…Nobody cared. They loved it.

Me: ‘What! It’s because i’m a VEGGIE NOW. I’ve lost weight, but it’s come off my FLIPPING BOOBS!’

Webbo & Jonsez & Dipper & New Boys! They were all really lucky, because we chicas has already hit ‘good time’ and wine bottles, so like props we used the boys for flirts and dance floor swizzles. Hot new faces kept appearing out of nowhere. I backed up and a hot face was behind me. I walked forward and another new hot face greeted me. I even got a cheeky bum grab. (I love a bum grab at 30 something. It’s naughty. It’s fun. It’s a good way to get me to notice you….and he was REALLY HOT. Super handsome.)

Lots of ‘Hollyoaks’ style drama occurred last night. It went from whisper to whisper, to confrontations, to verbal fights. It went from learnt lessons, to hearts breaking, to no judgements and personality clashes. It went from stories told, to secrets revealed and tests of friendships and truth telling.

‘You can sleep with who you want to sleep with. I don’t give a shit! Own it.’

‘Why is she blanking me. I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘This is ridiculous!’

‘Yeah…I already knew that. We all did!’

‘I just love her and I don’t stand a fucking chance.’

‘Just stay away from me. Don’t come near me. What do you think you’re…’

‘Who told you that??’

‘You need to man up…’

‘You else do you fancy?’

‘He’s done now…’

‘I’m leaving. This is fucked up.’

‘If she comes up to me again, whilst i’m trying to talk to you…I’m gonna..’

‘Don’t judge people on shit…Whocares..’

‘I can’t deal with this. Do you want a shot?’

‘She won’t even speak to me now.’

‘I don’t care what you’ve done…’

‘You’re beautiful. Am I stalking you?’

‘This is the last time i’ve ever going to get to dance with you…’

‘You’re new. You’re hot. Are you on Insta?’

‘Who does she think she is!!!’

‘How is this ALL MY FUCKING FAULT.’

[Echo….Echo…Echo….Echo….]

*STOP*

And even though all of the snippets above occurred, this is what I noticed…I noticed that  every single one of us were close. That every single one of us chose to prioritise ‘good times’ over drama. We danced, we laughed, we gave zero fucks. I noticed that in the end, enjoying our friendships with each other, is what we chose to make matter…and THAT is what makes us a family. (Moderately dysfunctional…but s….we’re fly. 😉 )

The clock struck 3am. Time flew by us. We didn’t even realise how fast it has flown!

‘AS IF IT’S 3AM!!! WTF!’

‘Don’t leave…come back..’

‘Come to Fibre with me…’

‘Get in my Uber.’

‘Don’t leave me..’

I had stayed in the private section at Backroom ALL NIGHT, so I didn’t actually realise how busy the place has got upstairs. I walked up to the open air terrace holding Double B’s hand…and it was RAMMED. It was MENTAL.

A guy stopped me with a,

‘Are you Chrissie Wooonaaa?’

‘Yeah…yeah…why?’

‘Do you remember me…?’

‘Jake?’

(I didn’t know if it was Jake… 🙂 )

Yet the crowd took us into different directions and as I sat on the terrace, chatting to ‘Double B,’ under the night stars…(I’m doing a lot of the night stars of recent, aren’t I..)

I watched Jonesez look at me, with all the heartbreak of the world in his eyes…as he stood up off, from the side of the terrace and walked away slowly, with his head all a muddle….

It snowed today…which means there’s magic in the air….

All I know about life is that there are MORE UPS, than there are downs. More GOOD TIMES, than there are bad. And that ANYTHING can happen in a moments wink of an eye….Dreams come true. Life is only has hard as you make it.

It’s the ones of us who can ‘surf that crest.’ The ones of us who stand by what we love and believe is right, for OUR OWN VERSION of existence that get the most out of the world and what’s on offer.

I’ll remember these people for the rest of my life….

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In FIVE DAYS….FOR ME…..

EVERYTHING CHANGES…..

Chrissie x