Tats, Dates & What I Fancy…..?

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Hiya!!! We’ve made it to FRIDAY!

FRINALLY, Baby!!!

(As my five year old son, Junior..would say. 😉 ) 

Grab ya best nipple tassles and get ya *shimmie* on point!! (Ruby, my daughter, would probably say that.)

It is THE WEEKEND!! (Well, almost.) But it’s important to have a weekend mentality, before it kicks in, because otherwise, you’re not only dull, like the broken custard cream at the bottom of the biscuit tin. You’re also not embracing the excitement, to come and that alone, in Wunna Land…

is a SIN!!

I love Fridays. I don’t know why, because it’s not like I have a Monday to Friday kinda job? I reckon I just enjoy celebrations of any kind. So fuck it. It’s FRIDAY! I’m in. I’m there!

Shake ya…*I’ll let you fill in the blank.*

I’m on rest today, due to my body being on the mend. I know, from my Insta story, it looks like I rest all the time. Hahah. But believe me, they’re just snippets of moments, that are filmed for YOU, either on the spot, but more often than not, FILMED PREVIOUSLY. 😉 A lot of work is going on behind the scenes in Wunna Land right now, with the old glammy career and the jazzy business of life.

That is my business…LIFE.

(..ofcourse done glamourously, with a dash of wit and showbusiness.) 

There’s telly, there’s modeling, running a company and influencing. Now that the babies are beginning to do their ‘ting,’ it’s doubley busy…But by the end of the month, they should be signing up to an agent, which will take a lot of pressure of MOI!

I have so much to do and I didn’t even have my morning GIN!!

‘It’s not like you to do a morning school run, without a wine in your hand, Chrissie. Haha..’

‘Wow, you parked like shit…’

Anyway!!!

Lots of you already know from following my ‘socials..’ But recently, there was a Wunna Fan, that wanted to get my attention, so offered up a game of dares, on my insta story, during my daily ‘Ask Me Anything’ thing. I went in all ‘Big Balls’ and dared him to get my initials tattooed upon him…

Yesterday morning, I found out that HE ACTUALLY DID IT. Hahah. I saw a video sitting in my inbox the evening before. I think it was Wednesday. I didn’t dare even look, so I left it until Thursday morning. Lol.

YESTERDAY, was actually a really good day. I felt really fun! I felt really sexy! I felt really appreciated by everyone. My Insta stories are getting really popular now, because i’m being more playful and putting my back into it, a little more.

Being ME

And as the tale goes, it seems the best thing you can do, is be yourself. I know that sounds cliched. But like I always say, no one in the entire world can do it better. Plus, at 37, I don’t want to be someone who’s always so worried about saying the wrong thing, or censoring the juicy bits, that make me who I am. Some brands don’t like it. Some do.

Therefore, I’m full blown committing to just letting loose and well, knowing what I’m doing. I don’t think people should tell people HOW TO influence something…They already know what works for them, their niche and their audience.

Fuck! I was meant to tell you about the Tattoo guy.

Yes! He wanted to win a date with me…and totally got my INITIALS tattooed on his thumbs!

Chick friend: ‘You literally have the best life…I can’t get my own husband to do the fucking dishes, let alone a stranger TATTOO ME on his thumbs!!’

Hahaha! Love it! Well done, Boy!

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So, now I can either go on a date with him, or subject myself to a dare. (One that he has already given to me, as an option.) 

I don’t ever learn do I? Fun, just gets the better of me…and that’s it. I’m a swine. But, to me, that’s what life is about. No one does it quite as well. Hahaha. I showed Ruby his tattoo and her face just dropped! 🙂 Junior said…

‘Why is he nuts?’ 🙂

Haha…

But, I think, it’s amazing. I was talking to my friend Liam about it yesterday. He’s just come off ‘The Extreme Diet Hotel’ show. I was doing the school run, with my phone to my ear in the playground, waiting for the kids, as I was telling him.

He was telling me about how he met some guy (he’s gay by the way,) in Bristol, bar labelled ‘OMG…’

Liam: ‘Chrissie, it was called OMG! for fucks sake! I saw this guy, he looked young, had a lip ring, so I ordered a jager bomb to be down with the kids and all that. I had to walk off afterward, because when I kissed him, all his friends cheered and I thought gosh, how young is everyone in here? He wasn’t even my type.’ 

Chrissie: ‘You need a man…not a kid. I like A MAN. I’ve dated too many,  not grown yet…..boys…’

Liam: ‘Put it this way, he wasn’t worth jeopardizing my type for…Hahah. I love you  guys, Chrissie…*Well, he’s not really successful and he definitely doesn’t look like he’s stepped off the cover of GQ magazine, but he seems lovely…* Hahahah!’

Chrissie: ‘This is why i’m always single…’

Liam: ‘Shit! You have that date next week, don’t you!?!’

And YES, I DO. But i’m not gonna call it a date, because I don’t know him? In fact, like HE first suggested…It’s a ‘Friendly’ meet up. Makes it sound lovely and less intense. You never really know, until you meet them, do you? A personality is KEY to me and it’s something that you can’t hide in person…even when you try to.

Can’t believe i’ve only just caught this clue…Lol.

I’m a personality girl now, in my old age. Lol. Yes, i’m still shallow. 😉 Yes, I LOVE ROMANCE. However, as long as I find them sexy, i’m good. I’m always gonna go on, how well someone treats me. How they make me feel. He’s been great, so far…He’s really humble and really ..decent to me…

(T Bone, IGNORED my last two messages. Cute. Lol. He keeps posting photos on his ‘story’ …of views. I’M A REALLY GOOD VIEW!!!! Open your eyes! Open your heart! Open…ANYTHING! HAHAHA. 🙂 ) 

But whatever…

Tuesday will be fun! It’s like an adventure and i’ll be heading to Liverpool.

‘The Gent’ (as i’ve been calling him,) has been quite attentive. He sent me a couple voice notes yesterday simply saying that he was looking forward to seeing me. Then he and caught me up, with what he did during the day with his son. (Awww.)

All good! Roll on Tuesday.

I’m in Doncaster all day tomorrow with Ruby & Junior…at The Frenchgate Centre. Hopefully, i’ll be seeing you there!

Ps/ Ruby saw a ‘sexy’ photo of me online this morning, by accident. It was just the one I posted this morning on my Instagram…She I only had stockings and a white faux fur on…and she said…

It’s like…

Thank you for following my diary. Be you. Live it! Do you! Be happy!

Chrissie x

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When We Tried to Ruin Dates by Bearded Dragons

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Afternoon! I’m currently shattered, so bare with me. I’m in my specs, because my eyes sting that badly, lol….i’m starving and I’m rocking weird thigh tan lines, because I sunbathed in my shorts yesterday. It’s almost like wearing ‘forever’ stockings….that are made from skin?

However, anyway..life is wonderful and right now, this second, i’m blogging from ‘Ego’ in Ackworth.

So yesterday, I started work early, around 4.30am, to influence for a specific country, in an different time zone. I finished up at around 1pm, shot straight to The Rustic Arms, simply because I adore open spaces, peaceful surroundings and wasn’t in the mood to be bothered. Haha. I got in a quick drink, waited for my friend Katy P & Hairdresser Claire to arrive as I sunbathed and *SCREECHED* every 14 minutes, because chickens kept popping out of nowhere and pecking my feet. (The pub has chickens running loose around the gardens, in case you were unaware. I didn’t just imagine them. It’s actually kinda ace...IF YOU DON’T HAVE A DISTINCT, IDIOTIC FEAR OF THEM. 

JUST SAYIN’

If you know me personally, you will absolutely KNOW that I have an intensely tragic FEAR of any kind of FARM YARD animal…Even booze doesn’t calm me down.

Long story short, the girls show up, Claire had been doing Katy P’s hair for a hot date, that was gonna go down later that evening. Now Katy P’s not one to really openly *gush* about guys…She is known to be a bit of a Tom Boy. Yet, she can’t fool me. Girls are girls. I saw it in her eyes…She was anxious, giddy and excited….and it was actually SO lovely to see her that way. It made me BEAM.

I LOVE A BIT OF EXCITEMENT.

So, obviously, being the GREAT friends that Claire & I are, we had to MOCK HER, just to build up the anxiety. 😉 She was really worried because it was her first ‘He’s coming over and I’m COOKING TEA FOR HIM‘ date, (sorry i’m already pissing myself,) and she obviously wanted to make a good impression, as her date, had once stayed over, stated that she ‘lived like a student’ and found a fish finger, laying in her kitchen sink…

Her Date: ‘What the hell is this?’

KatyP: ‘Just a fish finger. Why don’t you bring it back to life, put it in a bowl and see if it’ll swim?’

Anyway, so she was planning to ‘spiralize’ veg, until it was six feet long and put some chicken with it…Then make like she was some domestic goddess. (I would’ve just done pizza and sex. Hahaha.)  

The whole time we were chatting life, love, guys, all sorts…I could tell her mind was thinking about the date….She was all excited. HE was all excited…then Claire invited us back to hers for the famous ‘one more,’ before the BIG EVENT.

Now, Claire and I get on really well. We’ve known of each other for years, but over the last few months, we kinda found out that we’re both ace and have the same rubbish sense of humour. Plus, she does hair and I like that. And we’re both easy going. We love a good time. However, when you add her partner Matt to the equation (who’s fyi…a fitty)….it seems we all love a good time TOO much and turn evil.

ALL THREE OF US ARE SAGITTARIANS, meaning that Matt, Claire and I are filled with love, life and charisma….However, we’re also dickheads just for a bit of banter and laughter…

DRINKS WERE POURED. EXCITEMENT WAS SWIRLING. MATT was dancing and singing. Claire was beaming with laughter.

It was a really good time, because it was a great combination of people, in the most magical place ever.

Honestly, it’s like I walked through their doorway, (which houses Claire’s Hair Salon, @clairedurowhairdressing) found myself upstairs on a magicalroof top terrace,’ with the sun beaming down, which boasted comfy sofas, fairy lit globes, drapes, music and a log burner. It was almost like an exotic kingdom of unconventional glamour, fun and life. It had it’s own world and I was living it.

I was drinking around two actual bearded dragons, which were placed on my boobs, before they chilled on a coffee table, two ‘ ‘skin looking’ cats (as I call them,) the ones that have no fur on them. One was black and called ‘Salem’ and she was the SEXIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I sipped drinks and two tiny dogs appeared for cuddles…followed by a Staffy  named ‘Tilly’ and two tiny mice..that Claire casually  had in her hand.

IT WAS AMAZING…and the table was candle lit…and it was the MOST creatively magical space, I’d ever been it. It was also filled with love.

Matt (who I only met yesterday) and Claire are this amazing couple. They have a joy, a chemistry and a playful friendship that you would just DIE TO HAVE, with your partner. They’re do open about their love, that it’s refreshing.

Matt: ‘When I saw, I just KNEW she had to be mine…So i chased her.’

Claire: ‘As soon as he held my hand for the first time, I felt an indescribable chemistry…a chemistry that I had never felt before, I met him.’

Claire: ‘Matt what d’ya think about Chrissie?’

Matt: ‘She’s actually prettier than I thought she would be and yeah...*he then did a heart shape with his hands*’

..and then he told me that part of Louis Tomlinson’s family had actually match made his parents, who then went on to create HIM. Crazy! Innit.

Anyway, we’d only been their an hour and Kate was all nervous, but playing calm for her date. I was excited, because I just love, love. She had to rock off. We all hugged her, wished her luck, kissed her ‘good bye,’ because she was so filled with nerves and who doesn’t need support during those times…

She rushed under the white skull drape, we *waved* her off…as soon as she had left and we had sent her our blessings…Claire  says…(or was it Matt?)

Anyway…this happened…

‘WE ARE GONNA FUCK IT UP, AREN’T WE, JUST FOR A LAUGH, RIGHT!?!’

‘Obviously…’

It’s like we all thought the same thing at the same time….and this is why we shouldn’t drink, get excited and do it by bearded dragons….Lol.

We literally all *paused,* looked at each other and then pissed ourselves laughing, as we started to PLOT a story, so we could ruin her first date. Hahaha.

WHY ARE WE BASTARDS?

Here are some snippets…

‘Well should we say that I started hitting on Matt and it’s all got out of hand, and we’re now fighting?’

‘She doesn’t get jealous like that. She’s not gonna believe it.’

‘We need to say that there’s been an accident and she needs to take one of us to A&E, because we’re too drunk to drive.’

‘She’ll believe that I’ve fallen out with Matt.’

‘What about we say our daughters have had a fight, cos we never fight, she wouldn’t fall for it.’

‘He’s arriving in fifteen minutes..’

‘I’ve missed called her .’

‘Yeah, call her now, because she’ll be stressed, getting ready, spiralizing, and washing her privates.’

Anyway, Matt calls Kate, intentionally meaning to ‘miss call’ her…Kate picks up the fucking phone, so he panics and just says…

‘Who the fuck have you brought to MY house? It’s all going off.’

Then he hangs up, ABRUPTLY.

AND WE ARE PISSING OURSELVES!

We wait until her date gets to her house…and then Claire does the same thing…but the girl version of that sentence…

‘Call me, it’s all going a bit mental.’

There’s now all the wine being poured, bearded dragons and cats with no fur on, strutting around us and we are WEEING OURSELVES.

After 20 minutes…Kate sends a texting reading..

‘You’re dickheads…Hahahaha….’

Eww! So she didn’t even bite. So you’d reckon we’d give in at that point…

Me: ‘I’m not being defeated like that.’

Claire: Me Neither.’

Matt: ‘She won.’

He even texted  ‘I love you’ back.

Claire: ‘Eww! That’s lame.’

Me: ‘How annoying, Stop it.’

So we waited until their date had kicked in. They’re eating. They’re nervous. They’re getting to know one another…They’re flirting. It’s getting all cosy…It may even be leading up to a bit of ‘sexy sexy’… A bit of romance…

WE HAVE NOW DRANK SHIT LOADS…Claire had mice in her hands and Matt’s now dancing like he runs the world from his roof terrace and getting mad because we’re not listening to his song properly.

‘Don’t talk through it, just listen!

Then we just figured, no one could ruin it better than us. We needed ‘no story at all.’ We could just be US and ruin it…as that’s what friends are for.

So we call her…during her romantic date…

She actually  picks up…puts us on *Speaker*…and we attempt to RUIN LIVES in approximately 7 minutes?

I can’t even tell you what we said, because I can’t even remember…Lol…It was a rowdy blur of inappropriate, embarrassing banter. But I remember someone talking about the size of his genitalia? Can’t remember if he said he had a big one?

Kate’s now pissing herself because she’s a human, who’d find that as funny as we would. God knows, what her date thought? But he stayed over…so it couldn’t have been that bad.

Yet nothing was better than that moment. We were in hysterics. It felt so free and filled with love and all under the night stars. Sure, we were evil…But that’s what’s great friendship, is about. That’s what’s great about love. Magic. Freedom. Life.

The date went well. They got on merrily. Matt, Claire and I drank the night away and expressed our love for one another….like ya do. Lol.

Then I woke up this morning, to a text reading..

KatyP: ‘Does your head hurt? Lol’

Me: ‘Is he still there? Why are we dickheads? lol’

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve Made It To Thursday….

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I’m feeling great! I mean there is STILL part of my life that is lulling in the ‘dull ‘ zone, however soon that ‘grey’ will be dashingly done and dusted. The rest of my life is ‘ooh laa.’ It’s magical.

Right….Many great things are happening to me right now and I can’t even believe it. My friends can’t even believe it.

Firmonnell: ‘I cannot actually believe that you’re going to be doing that! Lol.’

Me: ‘I know, it’s CRAZY.’

I guess opportunity has come a knocking and it’s certainly come threefold. Opportunity didn’t use to knock. I’d chase and chase and it still never knocked. For some reason now…it’s not only knocking, but i have a ‘bell’ that buzzes you straight into Wunna Land with automatic glitter doors, as big beefy security jiggles through the masses to pick the best pieces to the ‘Chrissie Wunna’ jigsaw.

I’d like to say it was luck, but to be fair, i’ve worked really hard, not as hard as I could’ve done, but come the New Year, i’ll now have that time to smash it. Work hard for what you want. It happens. And girls…please don’t feel downtrodden by others…be it men, life, the way you look etc..Normal chick issues. You can do anything. You really can. I am living proof of that. If i could empower every women in the entire  world, i’d be a happiest glamour puss in all of the land.

At the same time as hard work, I’m a big believer in fate. You get what you’re meant to get. You miss out on the things that aren’t right for you. You learn lessons along the way. No meeting is ever worthless. You encounter and cross paths with the people you’re supposed to. And If something’s meant to be, it will always come to you, or find its way back to you.

HOWEVER, if you don’t try to pursue the things that make you feel magical in life, then you’ll never get anywhere. You’ll always find yourself sat in your ‘why am I here’ rut. I’m Wunna Land. That’s not how I play drinking games. 🙂 A fire doesn’t start without a spark. And if anyone can spark a ‘gusto’ it’s moi!

Feel empowered. Be excited. Only do the things that you LOVE. Take the reins of your existence and shimmie it with everything that you stand for. Be the very best version of YOU.

A guy stopped me yesterday, as I was walking down a top flight of stairs with a Pot Noodle in my hand. (It was beef and tomato.) He’s Geordie, he tells ‘grandad’ type jokes and dresses up as 101 Dalmations at parties. Anyway, he stopped me and simply said,

‘The only thing that dissolves fear is ACTION. There’s something about you Chrissie. Something tells me you’re gonna be in a great place and never look back.’

Me: ‘Yeah. I’m not scared. I’m ready now. I actually feel held back.’

He smiled, like he was proud…and then I tottered off to eat my Pot Noodle. Yippeee!

Around Wunna Land, other shit was happening. ‘Hustle Barbie’ had decided to send suggestive messages to girls, from our guy friend Jonesez. She never learns that you don’t prank Jonesez because he lives for revenge and his excitement for it, is hardly ever punctuated. He don’t give no ‘hoot in hell.’ Bottom line…you’re fucked. So as she sat all smuggly, with her ‘i’ve sent messages’ head up in the air. He went to her car and smeared moisturiser all over the door handle of her car. She thought it was bird poo. I watched the snapchat an thought it was hummous….and what is honestly worst than innocently trying to get into your car and having your hand dolloped and smeared in a gooey, unknown substance. I’m a germaphobe, so to me…that is devastating. Hustle Barbie’s a vegan…She just got on with life.

I’m getting loads of love from ‘da ladies’ right now. My inbox is usually filled with messages from gentleman, who fancy their chances at adoring a glamour puss. Lol. Right now and because i’ve recently done one f the most uplifting interviews, that you’ll all see shortly, I have a jolly…if jolly meant ‘sexy’ bundle of chick ‘yahoos.’ Girls are naughty. Some have gone beyond the ‘you’re such a queen, I love you.’ To ‘I can’t even tell you what i want to do to you. *Devil face emoji.*

It’s hot. I love it. And it’s all because I said, that my Girl Crush (and if you know me or read this blog, you should  already know) that my GIRL rush is ELLEN DEGENERES. No one loves this women more than me…and I do mean sexually and not just in a ‘fan girl, oh yeah she’s funny’ kinda way. I need Ellen in my life! She’s my perfect woman.

Obviously….I’m straight. (I have an unfortunate and somewhat colourful history that pin points this. I’ve romanced a lot of gentleman. 😉 ) Yet. OH MY GOD, I properly fancy Ellen Degeneres with even inch of my heart and loins…that I don’t think that I could live without stalking her Instagram, every second. J This crush hasn’t recently occurred. This crush occurred in my mid 20’s whilst I was living in LA.

The quote from my interview, which comes out shortly is…

‘I could meet any guy in the entire world and not feel a single piece of the nerves. If I meet Ellen Degeneres. Like she was just right there infront of me, I might possibly DIE and then try and snog her after cocktails.’

Now, cos they do….all my real life chick friends are trying to steal my crush.

Hustle Barbie: ‘I think i’ve stolen your girl crush.’

(Then she posts a screenshot that tells me how Vegan Ellen Degeneres is. Do know that ‘Hustle’ has gone from ‘I really fancy a sausage sandwich to the absolute height of VEGANISM. She’s recruiting. Be warned.)

So yeah, now she fancies my Girl Crush, because my girls crush doesn’t eat animals in any way shape or form.

Hustle Barbie: ‘She’s mine now.’

Me: ‘I will only become a Vegan if Ellen tells me to. Back of Blondy, she loves me not you. Lesbians love me, even though I eat bacon.’

Me to Firmonnell: ‘Hustle is trying to steal my girl crush. Ellen’s vegan.’

Firmonnell: ‘Ha..ha..Does she fancy ALL vegans now????’

It’s weird how when we love something we try and make everyone else love it to. Hustle with her ‘don’t eat meat’ club. Me with my ‘Live life like you have nothing to lose’ thing. Keiran with his ‘I follow Jehovah….now you should too.’ All the girls with ‘Let’s go to the gym and eat healthy.’  It must be passion, or this sincere need to be *pom pommed* onto a more positive path.

Junior was so cute last night. he wanted to sleep in my bed with me, because he missed me when he went to his Dad’s.

‘Mum, i really need a snuggly something.’

‘I don’t have your blankey.’

‘I REALLY NEED A BLANKEY. Get me one of your jumpers. A snuggly one, that smells like you.’

I produced my thin peach jumper, the one that has a swan on it. I’d just chucked it in my wardrobe so it radiated a mummy glow.

He rolled it up into a ball and with utter bliss in his eyes, cuddled it like his life was now complete!

Why can’t all guys be like they were when they’re young and still adorable??

Saying that my first husband used to do the same. I was living in LA working. He’s an actor, but was living in New York at the time, before he was making his move to LA. We were  moving in together, and had just met. During that time, we had to be apart. It wasn’t bad at all really. We were fine. I’m used to living apart from my counter male. Schedules, careers and busy times usually prevail. Anyway, he’d always grab an item of my clothing, like a tshirt or a nighty and take it with him, to sleep with, whenever he left to be back in New York? (I’ve just made that sound creepy. But it was actually really innocent. Hahaha.)

Anyway, I’m off. I have a really exciting next couple of weeks, where i’ll be meeting some amazing faces, who will tinker into Wunna Land. I’m going to be in Leeds, London and then Liverpool.

I’m working all day, but my next thing is tomorrow.

Tomorrow i’m be celebrating with Candy Mechanics at Trinity Leeds, as they magically turn me into a chocolate lollipop. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to be there. It’s the big old live launch, for the ever so magical pop up stall that will open in Leeds later

Payback’s a REAL BITCH

I’ve had a week’s blog break. My sincerest kitty apologies. However, technically, if I want a week’s blog break, I can pretty much take one. I guess, that’s the beauty of being Chrissie Wunna, in a world that is aptly named WUNNA Land. (So creative of me, I know. Really stretched far to think that one up.) I had the most wonderful weekend, filled with trips to London, dress fittings, new brand deals, interviews, good times, great friends, strangers, cocktail drinking, the Media Awards and then good old Yorkshire fun with my closest  chicas. (Well I say ‘Chicas,’ even though ‘Dipper’ and ‘Jonesez’ from the group are definitely boys. We kinda class them as girls, because they’re certainly having to exist in a world of Sasserillas, where their words don’t seem to count as much, as ours. Lol. Shush, they love it. It turns them on. They’re like the ‘Little Brother’s’ to a BIG GIRL group. Yet the BIG GIRLS are total bitches. Haha. I’m included in that. Yippeeeee!)

So yeah, I had a full on weekend and just needed to spend some time at home, after working all day. I just needed some time to simply enjoy resting up, recovering, tinkering with my hormones, indulging in a ‘no audience’ peace and more than anything, I just wanted to spend deliciously gorgeous Mama time with Ruby & Junior. We’re such a close little family and weirdly, when I have to tango off to go do awards, meetings, train journey’s or work, they just seem to understand and they’re only four and six. The fact that they understand makes me adore them even more, as nothing is worse than HAVING to go off and work hard to provide and in my case also ‘build brand,’ yet in the back of your mind, knowing that the people you care about the most don’t like it. It makes everything harder. Luckily, I’ve have ace kids and luckily I raised them to be ace. (Thank GOD for my MOTHER!) In the end, all will be PERFECT! I promise them that all the time. Lord knows how I’m actually going to pull perfect out of my glittery arse??? I’ve got my fingers crossed, so that works right?

BUT ANYWAY, i’m not going to tell you about the Diversity in Media Awards just yet, or my weekend of drinking games and dancing infront of mirrors with the girls before everyone puked…(that will come later, i’ve kinda got to get ready for work and i’m still sat in bed, butt naked, with a kitten on my left thigh.)

Yesterday, was a great day.

To be fair, I was kinda moody through it. Just throwing myself one of those jolly old ‘pity parties.’ I kept looking around me and thinking ‘Blllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.’ The air around me just felt dead, dull and well, if i’m being honestly….fucking boring. I can’t exist in an environment of that fashion. It needs to be bubbling with excitement… luxury….love……or just plain old laughter. Or wine? Wine works?

Two days ago, my chick friend ‘Hustle Barbie,’ let’s call her Hustle FUCKING Barbie. Has a more appropriate ring to it.

Anyway, she thought she would be ‘Hustle FUCKING Hilarious’ and go on my computer and SEND PEOPLE messages…. from me. Y’know, the awkward ‘shall we go on a date’ kinda ones and to people I didn’t really desire to go on any dates with. (I hate her.)

Ha…ha. (Not laughing.)

VERY CLEVER MY PRETTY.

Now, I knew that something had gone on, because as when I walked back in I could see her sniggering little blond ‘Hustle’ Face….so I left it and waited to fall down the trap door. I fell down the trap door. I got back up. Oooooooooooooh….I got back up!

YESTERDAY, was payback.

YOU DON’T MESS WITH WUNNA LAND.

This is what went down.

Right, so being little me, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to come up with something so MIGHTY, that it would devastate her, in the most appropriate comedic fashion. But I’m smart. I’m really smart.

My guy friend Jonesez, like myself AND Hustle Barbie to be fair, has a hideously inappropriate sense of HUMOUR and because he’s a BOY, he doesn’t have a *stop* button, he will commit to a prank like a HERO. That’s what boys do. They love to be HERO’s. He also has an Asian Girl Fetish…which again works in my favour.

YIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So, I go crying to Jonsez about how evil Hustle Barbie has been to me. *Wink.*

He feels sorry for me and therefore agrees to GET HER BACK.

‘Wunna…I LIVE for things like this.’

There’s this really delicious photo of Hustle Barbie that she hates, because she’s SUCKING A FINGER ON IT…Hahahahah….So, as a distraction…a lame distraction, I post that ‘sucky finger’ PHOTO on my Instagram, to make her think that her PAYBACK has been served and was simply completed via the fine art of public humiliation. Lol. (No such luck.)

In the meantime, Jonsez comes up with a plan and my job was to notify him of when Hustle was back in my eyeline.

I saw him photocopying LARGE prints of the ‘sucky finger’ photo. Hahahaha! I knew, payback was about to be performed.

Hustle returns to my eyeline.

A text is delivered.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, magical comedy fairies must have flown down from the skies with cheeky grins and rolls of red tape? We have no clue how? But let’s just say….

OPERATION PAYBACK HAD BEEN PERFORMED.

You don’t fuck with Wunna Land.

Image may contain: 2 people, car and outdoor

She drove all the way through Leeds and home, with this stuck onto the her car!

HA’ H’HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And it was stuck to her passenger side, so she didn’t even see it when she got into her car. DIZZY! DIZZY!

Genius.

Karma! Karma! (People honked. LOL.)

Hustle: ‘You’re DEAD WUNNA.’