No message is A message….. ;)

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Simmie Love: ‘Did you whatsapp that message to The Swirl?’

Me: ‘Yeah. He hasn’t read it yet…’

Simme Love: ‘If he reads it and doesn’t reply, know that no message, IS a message. That whole time, he was probably dating someone..’

Me: ‘It’s not that dramatic. I’ll just snapchat it to him later. We’re in totally different time zones. It’s like midnight there.’ 

No message, is a message…what a great thing to remember..

How are you all? My babies are back at school. I’ve smashed a business meeting, two shoots and an audition, already and it’s not even 3pm.

Don’t hate me cos i’m jiggly. 😉

I’m back on track. All feels delightful. I’m meant to be answering your Insta questions (that I do daily) on my blog today, but there hasn’t been a lot of ‘JUICY’ questions. They’ve all been a bit ‘same old,’ and dull.

I’m going through an exciting change and i’m feeling ya love.

Today, I strutted towards my local supermarket and as I did, this older Yorkshire guy, poked his head out the window and shouted..

‘Here! Love! Them pictures that your posting are getting better & better! I love that one that you put up this morning…Really good. 😉 ‘

And it made me smile, not because of the recognition..which is always good in my old age. Everyone likes it. But because it made me realize that it’s the smallest things, that make me smile.

I buzzed off what he said…

All it took was a little ‘shout out’ of appreciation…and I was beaming. (I do hear it a lot online…yet it was good to receive a real life shout out, as I’ve heard that people are often too scared to do that?

You shouldn’t be. I’m the warmest soul you’re ever gonna meet. Yeah, i’m banter. Yeah I’m sassy…But i’m jolly. Lol.

It’s funny because as girls, we never feel appreciated enough, do we? Our history makes us harder and makes us doubt ourselves at times. But don’t…because there are little things that you will find that empower you. Little things, that are filled with appreciation.

I’ve slowly through time BECOME so independant, because I had to. I never wanted to feel like I had to rely on anyone else. I never wanted to feel like I had to rely on a guy in a relationship., because no one really meant ‘forever..’

Whereas, if i’m being honest…all I would want is for a guy, to take me by the hand, tell me that everything’s going to be okay and take care of me, so I can enjoy being a girl….without having to always ‘sass’ it out.

Don’t get me wrong, i’m ambitious and determined, so I want my own ting and career going down…YET, emotionally, i’d love a true Knight…once that wouldn’t think twice, when it comes to loving, caring and looking after me. I need a REAL MAN.

Whatsapp Msg:

Chick friend: ‘Hey. What’s happening with you? Need a catch up soon…He’s gone.. and I need some fun..’

SEE! We’re ALL going through it…’

I have my friendly ‘meet up’ shortly, don’t I and i’m excited for it…and every time ‘T Bone’ is more and more disinterested…it kinda makes me more excited for what lies ahead. (Notice that I all him both nicknames, depending on what i’m typing. Lol. Yes. I’m a lunatic.) 

Livvy C: ‘I kinda want him to stand you up in a way, in the nicest way.’

Me: ‘Why?’

Livvy C: ‘I want him to be a douche…because I think you’re gonna meet him, he’ll be all delightful and you’ll be IMMEDIATELY sprung..as always..’

Me: ‘No. I’m going into it on a friendly basis….I’m cool…’

Livvy C: ‘There’s just someone that you’re meant for…and I just don’t want you to get over excited…and gush…because you do that…’

Me: ‘Not with everyone..’

Livvy C: ‘Haha. True. But you’re gonna like him…and he’s DEFINITELY going to like you..and because he’s older than you, he’s going to baby you.’

It’s almost like she would prefer me to delusionally gush over ‘T Bone.’ Yet my spirit is one of adventure…and so far, all seems great. Plus, i’m equipped for a ‘stand up,’ (a ‘stand up won’t happen,) yet it’s not like it hasn’t happened to me a million times before..

(A guy once stood me up in a hotel room in London…who i’d known for a really long time…)

But all that to one side…Life is really good. I feel like my career is on the up. I always say, ‘slow and steady…’ but moving…and moving is better than still.

The first thing I Googled this morning was DEFINITELY..

‘Exercises to tighten your vagina..’

..followed by some X rated ‘on my own’ stuff. Lol 😉

So yeah…my world’s complete.

How’s yours?

ps/ I never know what’s going to happen to me, I always know that it’s going to be something wonderful.

Girls Are Mental & I’m Feeling Frisky

If I wake up with a cat on my head again, i’m going to be fuming. I’m a glamour puss. I need to wake up calmly….not with something eating… *wink, wink, nudge, pout*……..my head. 😉 Any other form of ‘eating,‘  of course.. with my consent….is fine.

And do know, that i’m not being intentionally meaning to be smutty….I firstly, really do have a pet kitten named ‘Rocco’ who ate my head this morning…and secondly…right now, I feel like i’m on heat! Haha. I’m a proper ‘old aged’ horn ball.

I don’t know what’s wrong? (What’s right!!! 🙂 ) What’s wrong, with me? Maybe i’m wearing too many faux furs, or eating too much protein? Who knows? But my libido button, has certainly been switched to….’WORKING.’ (And i’m naturally excited by sensuality anyway…so you can IMAGINE how i’m feeling right now.)

*Takes the faux fur off. Puts down the chicken drummer.*

HOSE ME DOWN.

Oh and here’s a quick memo for ya….The above paragraph doesn’t mean you all have toslide into my DM’s’ immediately…At least give it an hour. Lol. I might have calmed down by then….

I’m joking. I really am. I might not be a Virgin Princess, yet just because i’m heated doesn’t mean i’m gonna come running, across fields, with my ‘frillies‘ down by my ankles. (Across fields?? Who do I think I am? It sounds so ‘Sound of Music’…if it was a porn?)Even though everything in Wunna land is done with a wild panache. Do know, that I’m the utter Queen of Self Control. I’m good stock, me 🙂

Mwahahaha!

So, it’s maybe five o clock in the morning, I’m in some satin dressing gown, getting my face done, getting ready to shoot and I look down at my phone and I see 44 Whatsapp notifications. 

When I see this, i know it’s from a group chat, something dramatic and 100 percent from the girls. Boys aren’t like that. (Apart from that one time in LA, a million years ago when Corey called me 22 times in a row for kicks. He even sang on one of the voicemails….Voicemail 22 was simply…’This is call 22, Wunna. Let me in.) I actually kinda liked it. I found it funny. He owns a huge Real Estate company in LA now…So I won’t gobble on about it anymore… in case it gets him into corporate trouble. As that would be shit.

Anyway, so I figured the ‘drama’ couldn’t be too dramatic because I only saw two of them for a wine lunch on Friday?

I was wrong.

My chick friend ‘Hustle Barbie’ left her boyfriend, packed a suitcase and is now officially single. (She’s headed to stay at her other chick bestie’s home and has packed a suitcase, containing ALL her life necessities…. which only consists of bikinis and Himalayan Salt Lol… )

I love her for that. I mean, even though it’s probably a really difficult time. The wonderful thing about it all, is that she took a chance and committed to a ‘new chapter.’ She wasn’t scared to find her own piece of happiness…She wasn’t scared to live… and I respect that.

Always go with your gut instinct, Always stay loyal to what makes you happy.

I mean I go on about life all the time and how important it is to fully LIVE IT, enjoy it and take those chances…and people sometimes put fear in your soul, to stop you from finding your own piece of ‘happy.’ They’re own insecurity makes them do that to you.

Don’t be part of a couple that doesn’t fit. If it doesn’t make you smile. If you can’t feel the *spark*… It’s just not worth it…for either party.

Always go with your gut instinct. Always stay loyal to what makes you happy.

To be honest, I don’t actually know what’s going on with the girls right now? I love them madly. But I don’t get to see them so much anymore, because I’ve been SO busy with work. Entertainments got a good *grip* of me right now…and i’m working really hard, things are going great…

Mel: ‘Chrissie? If she’s still alive…Where are you?’

We did have lunch on Friday. (They all seem to be breaking up with their boyfriends for Summer Lol. They’ve labelled it ‘Divorce Club.’)

Here’s snippets:

Me: ‘Honestly, you need to stop. You’re making yourself look crazy. Don’t send him a crazy message, get no reply and then justify the crazy message with an *i’m not crazy, honest* message. Hahaha. JUST STOP TEXTING!!! STOP! TEXTING…NOW!’

‘She’s right, just vent on me instead. Tell ME instead.’

Me: ‘Yeah. I vent on her all the time…It works, then you never send that crazy message! You’ve relieved yourself of the stress.’

‘Remember when you went mental over that golfer!’

‘Was she even hot?’

‘It wasn’t about hottness.. Lol.’

‘And if you’re going to send a crazy message…commit to it. Don’t justify it.’

Me: ‘STOP TEXTING.’

‘I just don’t want him to think i’m creepy. I’m not creepy.’

‘But don’t text him *i’m not creepy* Haha.’

‘Well, yeah, because it obviously makes me sound creepy. But I’ve done it now though.’

Bottom line, girls can’t help it. Whether they’re stalking your ex, pining for your attention…creating fake Facebook profiles…Whatever it is….It can’t be helped. It’s hormones…I think?

I mean, we can’t find a hair bobble, when it’s around our flipping wrist…but we know what you did in 2011, with your Dad in Paris. Lol.

And before you all start…I’m not part of the ‘social stalk club. And the reason why I’m not is firstly because people do it to me ALL OF THE TIME…and CREATE ALL OF THE WRONG JUDGMENTS, before they even know me.

I guy once sat next to me in a bar, a few months ago… when I was with my friends…(he was trying to make me go for a drink with him,) but Googled me, whilst I was STILL SAT THERE and went through my whole entire bits of ‘news,’ out loud, with me…in the weirdest sort of fashion? Didn’t try to get to know me at all? Just read out my life to me…in a CV like fashion.

Now, I don’t mind people looking people up. I do it, ALL the time. We ALL do it, when we meet someone new. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s handy, innit. 😉

BUT I’m polite, so I do it behind your back, 🙂 which makes it okay.

Hahaha. Plus, I was sat right there. He didn’t think to just talk to me, or chat to me, or ask me questions? I liked the attention, but didn’t like the guy. Bad form. Make convo. I mean, men are men, they should know how to win over a girl. It’s human nature.

The second reason why I don’t ‘social stalk’ is because I like to live with my ‘rosie tinted’ specs on, thinking all is okay, fine and dandy. I play the ‘ignorance is bliss‘ game. I don’t look for trouble. Meaning, I won’t ever find it. I’m therefore *blind* to it. Blind and happy, as can be. I don’t wanna know. I also don’t like the sound of a breaking heart. I like an easy life. No stress. Just ‘good times.’

But yeah, chicks are mental. It’s not like you didn’t know that anyway.

I did have a laugh with the girls though, even if they asked me where I sloped off to sometime last month, when we all went to Nat’s birthday…

Me: ‘ Oh, I felt tired…so I said I was looking for you, but just walked out the door and left. Hahaha.’

Hahaha. I ALWAYS DO THAT! Yet, I always tell ONE person…then just slope off quietly. I just needed a sleep. I’d been at fittings all day.

However, I’m glad I did leave now, because they all woke up at my chick friend ‘Double B’s’ house.

One.. found joggers…

‘Who’s random joggers are these?’

One… in the dirtiest crop top ever..

‘What the fuck have you got on? Why does it look like you’ve picked it out of a bin. It has rips and disgusting stains on it.’

‘Double B’ (the hostest with the mostest) apparently woke all the girls up, at the crack of dawn, with her FULL FACE on and in a KIMONO.

Hahahahaha. I’M DYING. I LOVE IT. I WAS SO PROUD. THAT IS SO ME.

Then she had to move her car, so she put joggers on, UNDER HER Kimono and moved her green gangsta Mercedes, so people could do the ‘walk of shame.’

That’s friendship.

I’m glad i went home early and missed it all. Lol.

Cya,

Thank you for following my life. x

 

 

 

Dreams Come True, Success & My Sassy Little Fan Page

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I was driving through Badsworth, this morning, the air was fresh..a little nippy, yet weirdly warm. The January skies were filled with a wistful smokiness…a lightness of glee, that glistened with beams of bright whiteness. The sun was calm, yet radiated over my little patch of Yorkshire, with a burst of strength that could only ever be described as happiness.

Right now, I feel like the happiest and the luckiest girl in the world. I might not have everything, but what I do have is just amazing. We kinda spend so much time stressing over the things that we DON’T HAVE, that we forget to really look, step back and appreciate the things that WE DO HAVE going on in our lives, don’t we?

However, saying that…Please do LIVE, take chances and gambles where it’s worth it and only do the things that make your heart bloom with passion. If you’re stuck in something that isn’t right, that isn’t gonna get you, to that place where you finally sit back, kick off ya shoes, breathe and relax with happiness… Then it’s not worth it.

You’ll know if somethings right, because you’ll feel it. Your gut instinct is the most powerful tool you have. You’ll know if somethings right because you’ll love it, you’ll feel passion for it…be it a job, a lifestyle…or someone you care about…and that passion will never ever go away…

Life will always lead you right back there….Right back to it…Right back to them….

So, yes…RIGHT NOW, I might not have everything, my heart ever wished for, but still, i’m the luckiest and happiest kitten in the world. I’ll get there, when i’m meant to…

I’ve worked hard through my life and GOD, so much has happened! Bad shit! GREAT SHIT. It’s been filled with swashes of madness and ‘colour’…I’ve had the most remarkable ‘UP’s,’ the most hilarious ‘downs’ and  the most unbelievable ‘samba’ of achievements.

Right now, it feels like it’s only just the beginning….and I have no clue why, as i’ve been knocking about for ages! Lol. I’m not someone who doesn’t feel accomplished. I’m happy with my ‘tick sheet.’ I’m loving my time back here. I adored growing up in LA. Entertainment has been my life, my passion and because.. good or bad, it a job that makes people ‘feel’ and I love that.

I always tell you when i’m not doing well. I write this diary honestly. I might miss out bits, that I keep to myself personally, yet over an ‘almost’ decade, I’ve pretty much told you everything.

I’ll tell you now…

I’m doing REALLY WELL..

..and i’ve always done alright…Right now, I’m doing really well.

Finally at 37, that Wunna ship is magically a sailing and I am celebrating merrily, with cocktails and a shocked ‘can’t even believe it’ face. I took a chance on a new chapter…and I proved to myself that only doing the things that make you happy is where your success lies. Dreams come true!

SO, I’LL WELCOME YOU TO WUNNA LAND.

MY LAND.

Bring a bottle… 😉

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Why do I keep being so ‘preachy?’ I guess, i’m feeling motivational? I think it’s because I read Tila Tequila’s moronic speech on how homophobia, porn and all people who wear makeup should perish in hell. It’s apparently ‘sorcery’…the ‘Devils’ work and she then went on to state how happy she would be, if everyone of the above ‘label’ DIED She proudly states that she says prayers wishing for that to happen… every single night…

Erm…? That’s not really polite, now is it? Nice and cheery! Good work Tila! What an idiot!

It just made me realise that when you have a voice, an audience….it’s really important to use that voice positively, in good humour, or in hope to inspire…where no harm is caused.

I get that she’s been through a hard time in life. I get it. Infact I know exactly what she’s been through. I know what LA Life is like, I know what being in the glamour modelling industry is like. I know what entertainment is like…I get it. But that girl,  has completely lost her mind and needs help….Needs love. I’m just not in the mood to give her any…. 🙂

I probably need a wine to chill my ‘high horse’ a second. But when horses are high, you might as well stay saddled.

(Saddled? Is that a thing? I know nothing about horses?? I only know that my Mum used to take me horse riding on Saturday’s when I was 7, until I gave it up for dancing school…and the ONLY OTHER time a horse came into my life, was when I accidentally found my LA roommates ‘porn drawer.’ He had a whole DVD dedicated to hot chicks having sex with horses…? He was a lawyer… 🙂 ) 

Thank you for all the love, i’m getting on my ‘socials.‘ I love the Wunna Fan Page banter on Facebook. There’s tons of gents that we leave me messages all day and i’m grateful for it, as i love it when people engage with that I’m doing…Yet, my REAL LIFE guy friends, who are WONDERFUL and who i’ve known since I was a teenager…have started ‘chirping in’ when they believe that the people looking into Wunna land,‘ are in sudden need of acold, COLD shower.’

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I think ‘Reuben’ once gave someone a lesson in chat up lines and referred to someone as a bit of a ‘perv.’  ‘Tomfri’ (only yesterday) gave someone a spelling test…and also decided to make sure ‘Jase the Wunna fan‘ knew his chat up line was less than ‘champion..’

‘Tom Pinto :  @Jase Tennant Smooth as Egyptian whiskey mate…’

My Facebook fanpage is brilliant. I spend my entire day on it replying to everyone…It needs it’s own show…without me in it! I have the best fans…They’re just such characters. They’re great! They even get into their own verbal fights in my comment stream…and I have to tell them to ‘play nicely.’ Everyone’s really complimentary…and i’m not gonna lie…It’s kinda a nice thing to wake up to and read every morning.

It makes me smile…

Every morning before 9am, I feel SO appreciated after a good old ‘comment read’ session. It’s a good way to start your day. It could be worse…and I know that from experience. So, I’m not complaining. I’m enjoying it!

I feel freee….

Right, I’m headed to bed now…It’s my Mum’s birthday in the morning, I’ve got a bunch of photos to post online and a jimble fo collabos to read through….I have a shoot tomorrow and I’ve got to get sorted for an audition, that I’m excited for!

Dreams come true. Miracles happen. Examples of such are around us constantly. They’re happening every single minute of every single day!

Notice them happening and know that it can happen to you toooo!

Kisses,

Chrissie

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Yorkshire Pudding Privates & Louboutin Chills

‘I’d shove a Yorkshire Pudding up you..’

…shouted a random gentleman to my Barbie Lookalike friend ‘Hot Sarah.’ (She’s got Barbie’s boobs and everything. She’s beautiful…She doesn’t want Sunday dinner up her *Whoopsie.* Infact, quite the opposite. She’d prefer to sit at home and make her own Yorkshire puddings, in a land of absolute luxury…as she lunches with other Ladies of Leisure, in Louboutins, by Prosecco Fountains. That is her life goal. Again! It doesn’t involve porn with leftovers from your dinner plate. Hurrah!)

‘Gimme ya number now…I right fancy you…’

…uttered what looked like a 9 year old boy,  who had been ‘egged’ on by a troop of other ‘maybe teens’…to go try his luck at getting ‘Chrissie Wunna’ to date him?

‘YOU’RE NINE! And you did that far too aggressively.’

‘I’m 24, i’m just short for my age.’ 🙂

(We’ll give him points for humour, ballsy little shit. 🙂  At least he DARE talk to me. Most people just breeze past awkwardly and inbox me later on Facebook, stating that they saw me. The older guys become, the less brave them become, I guess? I don’t bite. You can speak to me. I am human. I’ll only bite if i’m in my waist trainer, or if i have a sausage roll….then you’re fucked and not the good kind. 🙂

BUT HONESTLY! Both Males. Decades! Even GENERATIONS have had these males apart! Yet the practice that they used in order to ‘woo the ladies’ was not only weirdly similar, yet also distinctly poor and…well….just made no sense? At least make sense.

I mean, what lady wants you to shove a Yorkshire pudding in her…..? Lol. I’m creative and that even bamboozles ME! I’m open minded and I just can’t seem to fathom the consequences of such? I’m NORTHERN & WE LOVE a Yorkshire Pudding…I guess what i’m saying is… just not in our privates. 🙂

GO BACK TO ‘ROMANCE CAMP.’ Enjoy the art of ‘wooing.’ It’s delicious, simple and refined. More people should be enjoying the art of romance. Be brave, yes. But be lovely.

That guy had  ONE SHOT to approach ‘Hot Sarah’ with something that would make her *pause* and decide that he was ‘The One’…and that’s what he came up with? That was his first shot at love and attention. Hahah!  What would’ve been so hard to just stop, tell her she was ‘beautiful’ and ask her out for a drink? Yes, you got her attention. But only so she could tell me and I could place it on my blog for the entire world to read. Yippee!

‘Is because they’ve got nothing to lose. He’s already assumed that you’re not going to be with him ever…so he just thrown something out there for kicks.’

‘If a guy actually thought he HAD A CHANCE at making you his, he’d be a lot more clever about it..’

I like the clever ones, who are simple, but flashy. Romantic, yet emotionally together. Ambitious, but loving…and with a spirit that plays well with mine.

Unlike ‘Hot Sarah’ who wants to chill in Louboutins and well i’m sure I once heard her say ‘Save the animals?’ 🙂 I’m totally single, but a chick who wants to build an empire with a human and look around in astonishment at what we’ve managed to achieve. I find that sexy. I call that love. I don’t know WHY I imagine being part of an equally balanced ‘Power Couple?’ It’s a bit extreme, I know. But I just find achieving sexy! Yet at the same time, I enjoy softness, commitment and romance with it.

GOD! I’m already bored of listening to myself.

GIVE ME A WINE!

Bottom Line…Don’t offer to ya ‘shove’ dinner in a lady’s privates….

I’m sure ‘Double B’ said…

‘I’d let him, if he bought me the Vuitton Bag.’

Wait no…I’ve made that bit up…

She suggested ‘Sending Nudes.’ 

(Hahahah!)

Sending Nudes feels so ‘2011’ now, even though i’m sure it’s ever so current.

I wouldn’t flipping know! I send people Gucci Hats just to say ‘THANK YOU’…Not photos of me braless in exchange for a Yorkshire Pudding session. I’m sure there’s a fee for that! Lol. Is there a fee for that? 😉

 

 

 

 

he poorest advice, when it came to the distinct art of ‘wooing the ladies.’

HOW

 

Bukaki, Life & Dating

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‘A what?’ 

‘Bukaki..’

This is how my day began!

Infact, it’s probably why I’m single, as I am totally not up with all the porn lingo that the young 20 somethings are sizzling out with!?!

Did YOU know what ‘Bukaki’ was? Or am I just frigid? (Getting a flashback of when Andrew Thomas dumped me in Chemistry, in the middle of a private boarding school for being frigid via the fine art of a scrunched up ‘pass around the class’ note. Lol.)

Anyway, there’s me, thinking I was some Hollywood, ageing sex symbol, who was British Besties with Paris Hilton for the telly,  some Goddess of a chick who was dashed in all kinds of ‘Ooh laa!’ (Totally waited in a Greggs queue, in Pontefract, for a sausage roll at 8.32am this morning, like my life depended on it. Yes. That’s how glamourous I got! You better call Ronaldo and tell him you’ve found him a wife.)

BUT I had NO CLUE what ‘Bukaki’ was and this is how it was explained to me…

‘It’s when a bunch of boys stand around a girl and all *&*!$£”* off around her until one of them cums. The first one to cum IN HER FACE and hit the target WINS!’ 

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE……!!!!! Lol. That’s how 21 year old ‘Double B’ explained it to me.

I wasn’t the only chick to be alarmed, as ‘Fairytale Blond’ frowned and pretended her beautiful ears did not hear such evil. Haha. The others either *winced* or swore a little. I began to look puzzled, as I do enjoy knowledge and do also try to be understanding when it comes to matters of ‘play…’ Yet ‘Firmmonell’ turned around, looked her female soldiers in the eye and said…

‘What? It’s just a game!’

JUST A FUCKING GAME!  Hahaha! This isn’t a round of ‘Guess Who’…well maybe? 🙂 What happened to romance??? (She has a ‘Sex Step.’)

I mean, it must be weird being knelt there on your knees, in the middle of someones living room, with an odd male semi circle of knobbly knees surrounding you…as you kinda wait around until ‘SPLAT’ you’re a target! Hahaha. Who does that???? HAHAHAHAHA.

AND to make it worse it ORIGINATES from the Orient! (My own KIND!) I mean, yes it was meant as some form of torture and punishment, but porn has turned it into some kind of Wednesday night ‘sex game.’ This is like the conversation I had with Lisa Appleton in a giant birdcage at Menagerie last month…’PORN RUINS EVERYTHING.’ It’s NOT real. No chick I know, would enjoy ‘playing’ Bukaki’ after tea. Lol. Play Poker! I mean yeah, there’s still a lot of sitting around for ages, but at least you won’t have to make deliberate ‘ooh ‘ faces on demand and pretend that you’re having a GREAT TIME! Hahaha! (I shouldn’t find this funny, it’s disgraceful. 🙂 )

Up until this point, I had thought my Facebook inbox was terrifying. Yet, Bukaki has made it look ‘Disney.’

In fact, talking about my inbox, i’m giving it a bad wrap because it has actually completely cleaned it’s merry act up. Bizarrely and quite fortunately it has *bloomed* and gone from being a series of men, attempting to *woo* me via genitalia, before they even thought to just say ‘Hi,’ TO NOW being an inbox filled with messages from absolute gentlemen who simply want to politely compliment me. It’s lovely! My inbox has grown up and therefore that must mean I have! I feel quite proud! Lol. *You can applaud here.*

But yes, other than that, I’ve had a busy day! We as a nation have officially been *drop kicked* back to reality and even though I’ve MISSED WORK like crazy, it seems that after you’ve had a bit of a break, bucket loads of Prosecco and all this quality time with your loved ones, it’s really hard to adjust back to ‘work mode,’ isn’t it! Lol. However, it’s only difficult initially, as after Day 1…you kinda get over yourself and smash it. Humps don’t last forever!

I will say that getting loads of messages right now from people congratulating me in regards to the UK Blog Awards (there’s more to come on that in the next blog…YES…I made the final 🙂 🙂 🙂 ) and I’m also getting asked about my love life….A LOT!

I don’t remember saying that I was going to go on more dates this year? But GOSH give me some time, we’re only on DAY 3 of 2017. Hahaha! You all got so excited with the Wunna Land swirl of break ups, make ups, Spanish Doctors, London Business Men, Sexy PE Teachers and ‘Eton Messes’ of last year, that you’re twiddling your thumbs and trying to frisbee me into Cupid. I’m EXHAUSTED! And now I think about it all and reflect, I kinda sold myself a bit short at times, during last year with men. I’m quite loving and giving when it comes to the ‘love bug.’ I’m thoughtful. I’m fun, but i’m gentle. I was NEVER in LOVE last year by any means and never in a relationship. But i do quite happily fall in love with people all the time. I’m not emotionally restricted.

Yeah, the guys I met last year we’re great (as friends) yet if i’m being honest, they didn’t really respect or treat me as well as they maybe could’ve of. Of course and as always a couple of those gents are now trying to ask me out again. However, now that i’ve sat back and reflected upon it all (and now that i’m doing well and work is going great 😉 ) I kinda just see them as distant mates.

However, don’t get it twisted…Cupid and I are NOT MATES! His aim is shit. I’m a Glamour puss. I can most certainly fire a flirty, glitter arrow at a ‘Handsome’ better than some dude in a nappy. I’m like a stubborn SHOT PUT in the game of love. You TRY and throw me anywhere against my will….and you’ll put your own back out.

Right now my focus is on career…..and I think i’d kinda like to date a guy who’s focus is on his career also. I want to date someone who’s my best friend, someone I’m madly in love with, yet someone who I can ’empire build’ with. Someone i’m going in the same direction as. To me…that’s the sexiest thing EVER and surely it’s not too much to ask? I just wish that guys of that manner weren’t too shy to approach me, as sometimes they can be really bold in the career department and somewhat less brave when it comes to ‘The Ladies’ and trying to form actual loving relationships.

However, for the time being, i’m just gonna concentrate on work because i’m ever so happy with everything right now. I’m feeling lucky I’ve had this AMAZING start to the year…and like I always say to you…I’m not worried….He’ll find me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miss Swimwear UK Parties & Reality Boys Nights

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Hope you’ve had the most AMAZING Christmas! I spoilt my kids rotten and I don’t even care because they deserve more than anything. I do the single mum thing well and I never want them to ever feel that they’ve gone without anything physically, emotionally, mentally or financially. I’ve worked my arse off ALL year, and i’m starting to empire build, so if i can’t spend it my little pieces of love, even if they’re stroppy, then who can I spend it on!

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With Christmas, it makes no difference if you’ve spent it with family, got pissed with friends, had a quiet one to yourself after a truly busy work year, or simply spent it, in a way that you wish you never had. It’s done now and it was a simple chapter to your story. My news feed is filled with people who are either devastated that George Michael and Carrie Fisher have died or people who are stating that we’re currently floating in limbo, that time where it’s no longer Christmas, yet it’s not the New Year either. In my mind, we’re still LIVING, we’re still loving and we shouldn’t ‘book end’ phases of life, should we, cos it’s stupid? We’re not in limbo…we’re doing TODAY! So do it well! I mean, GOD I deliberately didn’t ‘wind down’ during the weeks before Christmas, as I wanted to *smash* into the New year, with my Louboutins kicking in ‘Karate Champion’ mode. I wanted to get ahead. So whilst most ‘shimmered down,’ I bubbled up and went for it and because of that I HAVE HAD THE BEST YEAR EVER so far and have set myself up (hopefully lol) for a decent 2017.

However, let’s take a peek back, as even though i’ve spent a whole lot of time with my family and the babies over Christmas, I seem to have been on this GIANT GLITTERY, if not almost GLAMOUROUS BENDER that feels as though it has lasted weeks. 🙂 I’ve been happy. I’ve been knackered. I’ve had far too much to drink and i’ve even puked. (Which is always disgusting, even with a hair toss and..tits. Lol)

But yes, let me take you back to around five days ago, (I hate a back track blog, as i love the moment when it’s still ‘live’.)  I decided to go shimmie at the ‘Official Miss Swimsuit UK Xmas Party’ at Oracle Leeds. It was last minute decision to go, so I spoke to Verena who was the Queen of the event. The chick who was putting it all together and running the entire show, single handedly. (You know how much I LOVE ladies who can ‘Boss it.’) She’s been throwing Miss Swimsuit UK castings a over the nation, in order to finally find the Ultimate Winner, it was near, it sounded fun and this celeb event was to simply kick back and celebrate the success of the year. Sounded great to me! So ‘House of Solo’ and I went to check the event out. (‘House of Solo’ is currently the luckiest bastard known to mankind, as he gets to be my Plus 1 to literally everything and is cheeky enough to tell me to take him. Lol. But it helps us both out, as he’s running his Fashion Magazine and I’ve got the blog to ‘Victory Sign’ so like i said previously, it’s great having a buddy who’s into business and dashed in ambition. ‘I’d never know any of this was going on if it wasn’t for you,’ said the Fashion Mag owner to the Burmese Glamour Puss. Then he topped it off with a ‘God, you look TIRED,‘ as I stepped into the car! Lol. Fucks sake! Haha! He’s ace.)

Anyway, we’re both from the same town, so we know Oracle like the back of our hands. We got there early, before it all started, as it’s a better time to get to see things, hear things and chat to people. I SCAN EVERYTHING. Even when you think i’m not. I’m so good at it now that my mind is almost trained to photograph and remember everything that’s relevant.

As soon as we walk in, ULTIMATE GLITTERATTI GLAMOUR is what oozed out of the walls and swirled through the air, in a stylish, yet almost seductive fashion, that felt dazzled in fresh innocence. It was all bright white furnitured, soaked in purple mood lighting with large glamourous mirrors everywhere. It felt good to be there and as I walked through the door I saw a lady, gorgeous body, beautiful vixen, thin, pouting in a tiny silver dress, with a bright white faux fur shoulder drape, heels and a giant *Queen* crown on her head, posing camera shots. (There were lights and cameras EVERYWHERE.)

In fact, slowly, everywhere we looked beautiful boobied, glamourous sexy ladies, kept randomly appearing out of nowhere! Some were sat by champagne buckets. Some lip glossing in the giant mirrors. Some arriving to shoot in bikinis…All types. All ages. All tremendously attractive! I took a bunch of selfies and tweeted them out as fast as I could, then as ‘House of Solo’ was wallowing in a blissful glee of booby heaven (lol,) I  shot a text over to Verena reading,

‘Hi, I’m here! Are you about?’

Immediately, the most glamourous lady strutted up to me, the one that had been posing in the crown, all smiles, all northern, all filled with excitement and with this almost magnetic look, she said,

‘I’m ‘ere Chrissie.’ 

Now, we’ve actually known of each other for years. We’ve messaged before. never met in person, but i’ve always been watching all the things she’s been up to. She takes a lot on, she’s a hustler and if anything she to is mega ambitious. The way i’d put it, is that she’s one of those ‘knows everybody and works really hard’ kinda chicks. She wants to make her mark and IS doing. She’s bubbly, she’s glamourous, but you do not fuck with Vereena. Lol. She looks like she’s not to be messed with. AND I LIKE THAT!

We chatted. We hugged, She gave me the run down of events. The ‘what i can do’s‘ and the ‘what i can’t’s.’  Y’see, I’m respectful, so i’ll honour the *cant’s*…MOST OF THE TIME :). Haha. In fact, no…. to be honest, I usually do whatever the balls, I want. 🙂 It’s my blog and well i’ll get what i need. 🙂 YET, i had this respect for Vereena after chatting to her and meeting her and I witnessed the ‘want to do well’ in her. It caught my eye and it was that that made me respect her massively. So I did what I was told and wasn’t naughty at all. (And that so good for me.)

Fabulous start! ‘House o Solo’ was off doing his own thing, making his own connections for his magazine. I was selfie taking, watching everything, Tweeting out and doing my own media board shots or the camera. I was getting more and more excited for the evening, as there was just this good vibe of energy darting about the bar. Everyone as happy. The girls had now arrived and we’re posing for Pap pictures in their matching swimsuits. The bar had now opened (the event had not yet begun,) but the cutest Bunny Girls were tottering around with giggles and heels serving drinks. It was turning into a magical swirl of fun. It was very alive, young and very current. It was also cool, because Helen Holt, the DJ for Menagerie was playing that night and I got to do my arrival shots with her. Remember that I was fresh off the Menagerie floor, after my birthday antics with the delightful Lisa Appleton. (Her bum and her heroic carrying of me got into the pages of The Sun, The Daily Mail. The Daily mirror, Celeb News, Celebs Now and all sorts of other things. Lol. I’m still not over it yet! That was a fun night.)

Anyway a photographer was snapping pictures, drinks are being poured, the most glamorous Miss Swimsuit UK girls were walking around in..well..swimsuits and cameras were flashing, videos were being taken, I was Tweeting away and everything was circulating fast. It was all exciting and filled with winks and fun…

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THEN MY FAVOURITE HAPPENED!

THE BOYS ARRIVED. 🙂

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Now, i’m flirty by nature and ‘one of the boys’ at the same time as being a girly girl. I know, makes no sense, but it’s so weirdly true. I love being a girl and i adore a bit of eye candy. Yet, I can kick it with the boys no problem and banter it out with the finest! I definitely felt like a Cougar though. Lol.

So, this is all before the event had officially begun, so we’re still behind the scenes and as ‘House of Solo’ and I are stood by the giant mirror Tweeting, in walks Ellis Lacy. Now, I already knew who was coming to this event etc…and I already knew everything about Ellis, as a few days before the event he had followed me on Twitter and I had followed him back. He casually walks in, all sexy, tall and warm…there was a ‘warmth’ about Ellis…his soul was good. I watched him on Xfactor and ofcourse I had watched his naughty Vlog. Lol. (I’m a Cougar in training, it’s what we do.)

Anyway first thing he does, he looks to his right, sees me and immediately says ‘Hi.’ And i like that, as more often than not, unless i’m at a place to meet a being specifically, they tend not to dare speak to me during the moment? It’s odd, as by nature, i’m pretty friendly. Lol. I’m Northern, it’s in my blood. I’m a show girl. It’s in my manner. 😉 SPEAK TO ME. Lol.

Anyway, the boys were now arriving because they were doing a shoot to go out to the press the following day, with the Swimsuit Girls.

The ever so handsome and muscle bound ‘Love Island’ hero, that we know as Tom Powell arrived. Freshly single, fun, huge, so well mannered. He looks like a, ‘get the job’ done kinda guy. He listens. He works hard.

Then the ‘cheeky ‘Ex on the beach’ star Chet Johnson follows in, again lots of fun, lots of confidence, not afraid to banter and give it some welly. He’s had a good year. He’s also a good sport. Those boys have some Bromance going on, as they’ve been hanging out lots with each other and smashing the party scene.

Honestly, they’re all not just great guys, who are obviously doing well, as they begin their careers with a bang, yet they’re all so individually attractive that when you’re surrounded by a Lacy, Powell, Johnson wall of huddle, you would really not know which one to fancy?? Glamour Puss Problems! 😉 I got to chat to them all and have a giggle, so it completely made my loins..I mean my night worth it. 🙂

Anyway, ‘House of Solo’ and I are now downing Gin and Tonics, as we’re working, I’m doing press shots and watching the guys an girls all get their own ‘shoot’ on.

House of Solo; ‘ Yo, I’ve shot this video of you.’

Me: ‘Aww, thanks. It’s actually awesome.’

House of Solo; ‘ That’ll be a tenner.’

Me: ‘Fuck off. 🙂  Good video though.’

Everyone gets changed. The boys head off back to their hotel to get changed for a night of party. I check in with Vereena, who’s now sort of nervous because she wants the evening to be a success. To me…it hadn’t even BEGUN and it was already a success. Plus, i know that some believe, that you need that moment of worry, in order to fully feel a sense of achievement when you WIN! I get that. Yet I’m so schooled at surprises in life now, that something can mean a great deal to me, however I have this tremendous ability to never be SO emotionally attached to it that it makes my focus ‘fuzzy.’ I’m terribly ambitious. Terribly playful. Yet the most emotionally ‘together’ person you will ever meet. There’s not *wishy washy* about me. I’m ready regardless. I’m ready if it goes well and i’m ready if it goes badly.

But the event was about to start and I ventured outside after looking down at my phone and seeing a DM from the BEST Pap photographer in all of the land, Stephen Farrell. He’s literally shot everyone throughout every stage of their career. His work gets into the papers constantly, always, as every moment of every day passes. He’s pictured ‘The Greats’ of all genres and what I love about Stephen is that he’s so down to earth and easy to get on with. i can chat to him all night about anything..and I pretty much did. He’s so dedicated and will stand out in the FREEZING COLD, all night to get that ONE SHOT that he needs. He knows who everyone is and what they do and the great thing about him is that he never judges anyone, as to where they are on the level of the ‘fame game.’ You never know who is about to ‘blow up’ next. Right now, it literally could be anyone.

Anyway, I was chatting to Stephen, as he was the pap that had shot Lisa and I on my birthday night out in Manchester. He himself was just so much fun. So it’s good for him to know everyone he can. It’s good for me to see everything from every person’s angle of the ‘circus.’ (I mean, I was there with the Celebs, I was there with Vereena the event runner, I was there with Swimsuit girls who want to make a name for themselves, I was there with the pap outside, I was there with ‘House of Solo’ whilst he was finding content for his fashion magazine and I was there as ME. I like to see things from everyone’s perspective.

I took ‘Steve the Pap’ a Red Bull. I smuggled it outside in my purse. Lol. Poor thing. It was freezing and it must’ve been knackering for him. He had just travelled up from shooting James Arthur in Manchester.

Slowly everyone began to arrive and upstairs Oracle had already started filling up with sexy party goers. Honestly, the sexiest party goers in all the land. It was filled with ‘Handsomes,’ Swimwear models, Bunny girls, Stylish men, Booby chicks , sparkler lit champagne bottles and the BEST HIP HOP JAMS EVER!!! (I had a bit of a dance and a wiggle with ‘House of Solo’ before I tottered out to see Steve. We like a ‘jam.’)

So, now the celebs are arriving. Love Island Winner Jessica strolls up with Sam Reece. I don’t know if they’re dating right now? But they could be? They might just be hanging out. They had a friend ‘Ben’ with them, who stopped me immediately for hugs and air kisses and he later snapchatted me to Cassidy for kicks, whilst being African for ‘House of Solo.’ Lol. Jess worked the pap camera, with hot, selective ‘moody’ faces…and she got into the press the next morning, just like that. Sam, was as quiet as can be and almost avoided the camera. He walked around it and eventually stopped for one pic with Pete by the entrance.

‘Ex on the beach’ Jem Lucy arrived. Porn star Sophie Dalzell arrived. *PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP*

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Then ‘The Boys’ arrived, back from the hotel, ready to party and it was ace, because as I was doing my own Pap shots, they had crept up behind me, so I got to *crash* boys nights too! HEAVEN! I couldn’t have found a better *squad.*

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After banter with Steve and talks about Chloe Khan, I ventured back upstairs to the party to get on it with ‘House of Solo.’ Work was now done and we went with ‘Fuck it, let’s party.’ I had got the picture. If ITV2 and MTV had a baby…it would’ve produced this party. Lol. We drank, we danced, we lived! It was a glittery swirl of fun and laughter, littered with faces from your favourite reality shows. It almost makes it surreal.

Verena had OBVIOUSLY done an amazing job, as I stopped and selfied with her a few times, as she *beamed.* I mean, the event was SO BUSY and popular that she couldn’t have thrown a better gig. It as certainly a ‘tick box’ on her list of achievements.

I got home at around 2.30am (not so bad) and must have just passed out in bed, naked, after i kicked off my Hilton heels, slipped out of the sequinned dress and gracefully laid my way into Dream land. It was my last glittery event finish to a really great year. Like i said, i’ve worked really hard and been through so many changes this year! I have a GREAT 2017 lined up…and I believe we have a Wunna Comeback in store! 😉

I enjoyed Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Birthday Shimmie To Manchester

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Woke up on December 20th at 6.08am, completely naked, on top of the sheets, half my face on and my GIANT, glammy hair piece still ON MY HEAD in full glory, like it was some kinda of BIRTHDAY crown. I was in Room 825 (really nice room) of the Macdonald Manchester Hotel and Spa. I had just turned THIRTY SIX the day before and I chose to do it with good friends Big Brother Star Lisa Appleton and Celebrity Blogger, Ryan Mira, in Manchester. I had a train to catch, that would get me back to Leeds, well Pontefract at 6.57am. I had work at 8.45am and had to get there on time. I did it! But Lord knows how???  Infact, i will ALWAYS MAKE WORK, no matter how! My tummy felt like i hadn’t eaten in ages, so i did a mini (and somewhat glamourous puke) on the hotel bed (so sorry)…and then just like that, got up, got ready, got to Piccadilly train station and got on my flipping train….COMPLETELY ON TIME! In my mind, if you’re gonna *juggle* things, than you better *juggle* them well, without letting anyone down and most importantly … yourself. I smashed it! *Wiggle…Wink.*

But let’s rewind to the day before…

I had spent the entire day with my babies Ruby and Junior, doing lunch with my family…My Mum, Dad &Brother at Ego, In Ackworth. We had so much fun, that time flew and before you know it, I was rushing home to pack a bag, in a panic and getting dashed off and dropped at Barnsely train station (as it was the only station to get me to Manchester on time) in literally moments.

Boom! On a train. The 17.00 to Manchester, a bit flustered, excited for my birthday evening, ready to check into the hotel and then rush into a taxi, to go meet Lisa and Ryan at Menagerie for my birthday.

Once I hit Manchester, I had about 20 minutes to get ready and be at the joint. (I was there early. 😉  The trainee hotel ‘check in’ girl laughed as I dashed past her with a ‘She’s just checked in, in jeans and a jumper and in about a minute, she’s ready and shooting out the door dressed like Pussycat Doll.’

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I’ll fast forward, so i don’t bore you.

But i got to Menagerie, Lisa and Ryan arrived 10 minutes after me. I had called them to see how far they were, then..

*Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/* …

…as photographers basically took our picture, as we tottered into the new place. It was quiet because it was Monday. But it was my birthday and all three of us are of a drunky, fun, nature, so we didn’t even care! Within seconds we had the most delicious Pornstar Martini’s in our hands and we’re chatting away about, life, career, love, what we hoped and where we hoped, in the most glamourous location every. We even had a Kardashian conversation, which led to Ryan teaching me what a dirty ‘Jimmy Choo’ was. Lol.

‘I’m gonna call it that ALL the time now!’ Lol.

‘But she did Chrissie. She *Jimmy Chooed* him ans leaked it everywhere!’

Menagerie is utterly creative, decadent, modern, with an almost sexy twist of burlesque. It’s very current. But there’s lots going on…like champagne poured from chandeliers, dancers dangling and spinning in hoops above your table, cocktails that you share in giant swans for £100 or single drinks with fake £20 notes, burning from them. It’s very clever. Everything is presented well. Everything’s very bouji and unique. Everything in that place is ‘rich,’…and it costs.

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Anyway, we a needed air, we needed a moment. We’d laughed, gossiped, they gave me a bath bomb (that i’ve lost!! I think i left it in a bar on Canal Street??) Ryan’s shot outside already and Lisa and I are stood at the entrance Menagerie.

Couldn’t open the door for shit! It was LOCKED. Like it really was. We couldn’t move it, we were stuck and we’re sort of just looking around, trapped in this little entrance way, puzzled and laughing. Then Lisa decides to ‘hit’ a button on the side, next to the door. Y’know how some places have a ‘Press to Exit’ button, to make the door slowly ease open.

SHE HITS THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM. Hahahaha!

It’s my birthday, we’re still trapped in the entrance way, an alarm is now going off, we’re pissing ourselves laughing, the manager on duty looked all fed up with us, so we stopped laughing, so he didn’t get more annoyed. He began opening up a large doorway box and pressing all the buttons in all the land, to stop the alarm…and then this host girl walks up to the door… and just opens it. Lol. SO we weren’t even stuck. 🙂 Oops!

We were glad to get outside though, especially after Pornstar Martini’s  and were determined to enjoy my birthday night, as we swung around trees, piggy backed each other, kissed giant Polar Bears, seductively chatted up bollards and measured boobie sizes. Ryan got really into it also…As Lisa and I literally danced around a car park, HE found a ‘Santa Stop Here’ sign, started pretend hitting Lisa with it, but then dashed behind her and unzipped the back of her PVC skirt…. (In that moment, out of nowhere *Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/*)

Anyway, we decide to go back inside for food and more cocktails. Ryan’s now flirting with an Australian Waiter, with a Doctor Boyfriend, we’re telling everyone to come out with us and following them on Twitter (you always do that when you’re pissed don’t you. Lol.) I hadn’t eaten all evening, so i was feeling MERRY, looking great, sprinkled in ‘SEXY’ and then Lisa and I started talking about love, our lives, how we’re both single, good friends and then our careers. (I always say that I have it easy, as my life is an open book, you just have to Google it, open up a blog and read on…What you read is what I am…It’s my life…and you get a good grasp of who I am from it. There’s less guessing.)

And you know, away from what people THINK they may know of Lisa, if you were to know her and meet her in the flesh, she’s literally beautiful, the funniest, most genuine, down to earth, chick you’ll ever meet. But she’s ambitious and hard working. Yes, she’s an entertainer…as am I. Yet she’s been through her fair share of hard times…and you know what, after speaking to her so closely sat down with cocktails, in the middle of mood lighting and Menagerie…She deserves her moment. We gossiped about everything frankly. All the secrets in all the land.  She wants to do well…and is.

Then I had to tell her off with an..

‘EWW NO! YOU CAN’T FANCY HAIRY MEN! I HATE THAT! IT’S GROSS!’ (This was after the waiter was referred to as ‘Pretty.’)

Now, i don’t mind a GQ gent. A pretty one. Or one that has his own creative take on style. I love it. My favourite type of guy, is a guy with a great mind, intelligent, funny, fun, thoughtful, sexy and ambitious. I don’t focus on looks a much as people may think. I love eye candy, don’t get me wrong, but i’m mostly mentally and emotionally stimulated. But ofcourse, I love to feel attracted to a guy. YET Lisa loves a ‘mans, mans.’ A big rugged, muscle bound hero. Hairy even!!! Lol. I DON’T LIKE HAIRY. And i know you can’t help it. But i can’t help being a tool also, so there. 🙂

So we’re pissing ourselves laughing with Ryan, as we’re sat in a GIANT GLAMOUROUS BIRDCAGE, that has feathers entwined in it and pretend birds flying out of it, opposite a wall that has a giant electronic ‘Selfie Magic Mirror’ and a pink neon sign that says something like ‘Trade your wings in for mine.’ We’re eating olives and sipping ‘Pornstars’ and Lisa and I are actually having a conversation about porn and how it’s ruined some peoples sex lives.

Now i’m vocal in the bedroom, i’m a senusual person and well i’m not screamy, but a ‘show man’ Lol. However, Lisa says we (as in girls) get the best orgasms when we’re quiet and stay really still… and she’s right. I mean porn has made boys and men think that girls ‘get off’ by doing slutty ‘ooh’ faces at them and voicing champion ‘screeches.’ Lol. We don’t. 🙂

Wait, I’m getting distracted. 😉

We’re in Menagerie, the mood lighting is all pink, purple and dark, with bright white furniture in our booth and we’re now pissed and celebrating my birthday.

Ryan’s now thinking about Canal street, after flirting with the hot waiter. Lisa’s determined to get on with my birthday celebrations and i’m ‘Pornstar Martini’ delighted. Don’t get me wrong, things were beautiful in Menagerie, but when you’re sat in one place for ages, and you’re ‘firecrackers’ like the three of us are…it can kinda make a place feel ‘flat.’ So i simply turned my little kitten head to them, whilst sat in a bloody feathered birdcage (lol) and said,

‘Let’s fuck it off and go to canal street.’  (I am the Queen)

There was glint in our eye, laughter and we left.

As we left…and we’re NOW DRUNKIES.

*Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap*

Yet, we’re loving it now, playing up to it, picking each other up, posing, pouting, swearing, dancing. We didn’t even care! We were on birthday mode, doing Manchester, boobies under the stars and GOING FOR IT! If i’m turning thirty six, i’m lucky to be well, alive and still be able to love life!

It was like we almost *blinked* and BOOM, we were on the cobbles of Canal street…and this is when the fun happened!

Straight away, dancing under lights, posing and selfie taking with red sequinned, drag queens,bumping into other Big Brother stars, letting a Drag queen, dressed in a Sexy Santa Suit, be a DIVA  at us because she didn’t have time for our shit. Lol.

We’ve gone for it now and ended up at some bar called Churchills, because they offered us free wine (lol) and before you know it, they’re calling us on stage to sing karaoke and I feel like i sort of just blinked with my boobies and i’m stood on a stage with Lisa, as Ryan is filming it, with a microphone in my hand, SINGING ‘Wannabe’ by the fucking Spice girls, for an audience. LOL.

Honestly, we were shite. But oh my God, we gave it some welly. They loved us. Everyone was videoing and camera phoning the moment. We even got called ‘Iconic.’ HAHAHAHA. But let me tell you, being a Spice Girl is EXHAUSTING. How the HELL Mel B got through that rap section sober, I don’t know? (I was totally Mel B. 🙂 )

We get off the stage. We’re wanting wine, everyone else is wanting selfies. We’re loving it though, as we now have birthday fever. Girls and guys kept calling me ‘beautiful’ and ‘a Queen’ and when you’re dead old, you kinda adore it, don’t you. 🙂 Hahaha! It makes you feel good.

Then a group of straight boys come in. It’s now quite late and Ryan and Lisa have to head home to get the last train. I DECIDE TO STAY OUT. So, i’m now on my own, with the masses, in this bar on Canal Street, guzzling buckets of wine, with a ton of people now asking for selfies and the ‘straight ‘ boys head straight over and begin to DANCE OFF, HIT ON ME, in order to win my ‘only girl straight girl in the bar’ affection. It got so crazy that the manager had to keep pulling me out the way, or pulling them off me.

I then started having a conversation with a girl, as one guy is trying to flirt with me, by sexy dancing to Nelly and lifting up his top …and out of nowhere this other guy, darted in and started butting the ‘Nelly Dancing Guy’ out of the way to make HIS move. He was literally standing right infront of my face and giving me the ‘come ons.’ The manager (who was in a cowboy hat Lol…pulled me away again.)

I’m pissed by now, so i’m just tottering around smiling and selfie taking with those who adore Wunna land! (I followed you on Twitter Mickey Daniels! 🙂 )

Then it all just went mental!

The straight boys are now really drunk and now forcing themselves into Wunna land. A girl starts chatting to me and tells one of the boys, who’s asking me out that..

‘We’re together. She’s with me.’ 

He dances off somewhere and she turns around and says,

‘You’re too good for him.’ 

He dances his way back and then JESUS CHRIST, OUT OF NOWHERE, some other straight guy, that wasn’t even playing ‘Love Wunna,’ comes up behind him and fricking HITS HIM IN THE FACE and SMASHES A FUCKING BOTTLE OVER HIS HEAD.

Screaming happens, everything’s gone mental. He’s dragged him outside to beat him up. The girl that was ‘saving’ me from men, turns around and smashes my wine bottle on the BAR SIDE to go out and join the fight.

I’m out the way at this point, as i’ve been pushed to one side and sheltered.

THE POLICE CAME and Churchills (the bar) gets shut down for the rest of the evening,

What the absolute fuck!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

The cowboy dressed manager, (who was also once on Big Brother) walks up to me, makes sure i’m alright and says,

‘God! Lol! What a storm. We shouldn’t have let them in really, but we did. We’ve had to close now, as the police are here and let me tell you, THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED, IN THE HISTORY OF ME WORKING HERE.’

Then she walked me out, to another bar. Just so i’d get there safely. Lol. Yet after a drink, I left and got in a taxi. It was just too strange and a guy in a Pokeman shirt was dancing around me. He as with his Ozzie best friend, who kept telling me that she had a boyfriend, but wouldn’t say no to trying out a relationship with a girl.  Lol. They were actually lovely. So i really shouldn’t make fun of them. But i was tired now and i’d stopped having fun now, so i lied and said i needed the loo…and left them.

Got to my hotel…wiped half my face off, stripped off totally starkers, put my phone on charge, set it for five o clock in the morning, (It was 3 o clock in the morning,) and CRASHED in what felt like the comfiest bed known to mankind, in Room 825 at the Macdonald Manchester Hotel.

Missed my alarm. Shocked myself up, after feeling sick at 6.08am. 

That’s how i sailed into Tuesday. I fell asleep on my train and again just at the right time, *shocked* myself up, at the exact right station, just as people were getting off at Leeds. Missed my connection though, so I ended up in a taxi to the office.

Made it to work, bang on time, in Pontefract. Had no clue what time it was really? But ran up to the office door, with all my stay over bags, over my shoulders. I swung open the door a jar and ‘The Mighty’ looked me right in the eyes, smirked (like she had ‘been there’ herself) and in a stern, commanding, yet friendly manner, she simply says…

‘GO TO GREGGS NOW AND GET YOURSELF A COFFEE…..’

 

Lisa Appleton flashes her bum as the zip breaks on her skin tight PVC skirt

 

 

 

 

 

Lawyers, Grannies, Blow jobs and Slut Drops

 

Yesterday, I taught a bunch of young, suited, booted, well educated, 20-something lawyers….to ‘Slut drop.’ If you are unaware of such a move, then you just don’t have swag, or haven’t had the opportunity to be around indecent women. 🙂 It’s a sudden booty drop to the floor, in the name of sexy whilst you’re dancing, with a *ping* back up like you’re a vixen, with an uncontrollable sex drive. Stupid really. yet drunk men can’t get enough of it. Any man that you can pull, after performing this move, is not husband material. 🙂 Now, I might be aware of the art of ‘slut dropping,’ yet I don’t ever have to pull one out of my bag of tricks…and well simply because…I’ve had 5 minutes on the telly, then a few more minutes in a Lads mag… and then of course, the trusty old faithfuls… boobs. *Applaud here.*

I was sat in an office, a big one, listening to young lawyers throw themselves bit of a pity party, due to the fact that they want ‘proper girls, who went to school, who have a good job and who haven’t thought it was amazing to spent part of this Summer in Ibiza.’ (Men love a pity party, don’t they?) I just looked at them, smiled and with a ‘Yeah, life must be really hard for you all, being so intelligent, successful and wealthy. Chick must hate you. 🙂 I completely understand your pain,’ I had won them over with charm and two seconds later, when ‘going home‘ time had almost occured, BA BOOM…I taught them how to ‘slut drop. (If you still don’t know what that is, just Google it because I can’t be bothered to baby step you through indecency. I’m not Madonna in the 80’s. I’ve just spent too much time in Hollywood. 😉 )

Anyway so, yesterday ended up being one of those amazing ‘GOOD NEWS’ days. I never really get so many of them, so I was shocked. However yesterday was the day, that I was to be showered with non-stop GREAT FLIPPING NEWS! I couldn’t be happier, because it kept streaming in like the beavers forgot to build the dam!  I’m positive that I deserve some kind of reward, right? *Bounces up-do, with hand.* So, instead of being modest, i’m just going to celebrate with champion arms and maybe do an ‘in you face’ shout of ‘Yahoo!’ 😉 I’ll tell you more about it next week, as right now it’s still too fresh for me to deliver. However, it’s good to feel excited and I certainly do feel that.

Oh…then I got a random text from a manager asking me if I wanted 10k to be cast in a small film, as the main chickola, who’s a business woman or something? Then came the ‘But there’s a fully nude sex scene in it, sort of like the one off Basic Instinct,’so you would have to be comfortable with that. Interested?’

Now, due to me having a past of nudity, people always want to roll me over a ‘look at’ when it comes to roles that require the art of sexy. Yet, even though I wave the flag for the celebration of the human body, I need to make sure that it is actually an ACTING JOB…and not some kind of dodgy PORN. I was married to and have dated a gzillion actors, so I completely get nudity and sex scenes in the name of film and telly…However, if it’s not an actual acting job and just a dodgy porn, then it’s an absolute NO GO. This is obviously something that, I will have to make sure of. So, i’ll fill you in on the hokey pokey of it later. Ten thousand pounds isn’t bad though. 🙂 Cha-ching!

(Sorry, i’m writing this and half watching Jersey Shore clips on Youtube. So, i’m getting distracted by their naughtiness. I used to get loads of mail from people who thought that I may have the same kind of personality as Snooki. 🙂 Oh Lord, have mercy! Now, I love Snooki a lot and I think she does a great job at entertaining the young masses.  However Snooki, probably isn’t even like Snooki in real life. I assure you that I AM the EXACT OPPOSITE. Remember when I was on that talk show and Dom Jolly said I reminded him of her! Evil twat! 🙂 I was pregnant tooo! I think I was raised much better that people can imagine. Lol. I had love and everything. I promise. But i’ll get to that later. Here’s what I’m watching…)

 

Okay, away from that! One of my new favourite shows to watch is obviously ‘Educating Yorkshire.’ I’m a Yorkshire girl, I currently reside here and well it’s good that we’re on the telly. However, it’s bad that we’re shown in such a dodgy light! Lol. I adore the show because it’s obviously hilarious, but OH MY GOSH, as I Tweeted last night, I don’t remember school being ANYTHING LIKE ‘Educating Yorkshire?’ It was nothing like that at all! It was sort of completely and utterly..absolutely different. I mean, even the way the teachers talk to the pupils, shocked me. Pahaha! ‘You’re a pain in the arse you!’ WTF?

But yes, @Wazza (who hosts this merry site and all of my Cyberland, hoo-haa) and I (as his beautiful ‘other half’ Hannah stated last night, went to ‘Posh School,’ so we never really got to experience ‘Georgia’ type characters and we never really even talked in class or even thought to be disrespectful to our teachers or even one another. 🙂

Wazza was in fact the class clown, the sort of ‘bully-in a funny way’ type of jolly when it came to school and well he’s nothing like the boys on that show. He’s probably the nicest, funniest gentleman, you’ll ever meet. Lol. So, it’s really interesting for me to watch. I’m loving it and now extremely grateful that my parents PAID for me to learn my ‘A,B,C’s.’ I would’ve got my head kicked in! I would’ve been terrified to go to school. I think going to ‘Posh school’ is something that you appreciate more when you’re older and when you witness what it may have been like if you didn’t. 🙂

Now, I don’t want to come across as a snob (even though I am a bit of a snob,) as it really doesn’t matter where an individual schools, as successful people  have sprouted from all kinds of rural beginnings…Some of them didn’t even make it to a school, in the first place. Yet I will say that the environment and the people are extremely different in a private school. It’s sort of made easier on us, because we don’t have to be as self motivated in order to have a good education, as everything around us is catered and groomed to give us the best shot at being successful in life. And the environment is only of that manner, simply because our parents paid for it to be that way. It’s sort of like a business. A snotty business that keeps your children around good other children, who come from successful families..in order to help them to excel or simply be decent grown ups.

Ugh! I feel like this is all too boring and political. I need to bring in the ‘Dancing Girls,’ for a ‘snap back’ to fun!

*Can-Can Here*

I almost put up my Christmas decorations at home yesterday. I go through these zany moments of needing to throw everything out in order to feel free. Once that was done, I sort of looked around and noticed a distinct lack of warmth. 🙂 The only thing that could’ve cured it would have been red and gold tinsel. Luckily, I ran out of baby formula, so I had to dash off to the supermarket to get some before the nursery run.

When I got there, the granny that i’ve adopted, (an old lady who I always talk to because her husband died and she feels lonely) told me to ‘bugger off’ because I had a sore throat and get this…if she ‘was going to have a sore throat,’ she would want a ‘bloody good reason for having one.‘ Then she performed the dirtiest of LAUGHS, known to mankind. Grannies and blow jobs. HOLY INAPPROPRIATENESS! I truly love it! Everyone needs to adopt a lonely granny. They’re hilarious and all inappropriate, when you least expect it.

She then told me that I had given her a new lease of life. Although it brought a big warm smile to my face, that meant I no longer needed tinsel…I still told her off for insinuating that she wanted to give ‘head.’ *Wiggle-wink*

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