When We Tried to Ruin Dates by Bearded Dragons

Image may contain: Chrissie Wunna

Afternoon! I’m currently shattered, so bare with me. I’m in my specs, because my eyes sting that badly, lol….i’m starving and I’m rocking weird thigh tan lines, because I sunbathed in my shorts yesterday. It’s almost like wearing ‘forever’ stockings….that are made from skin?

However, anyway..life is wonderful and right now, this second, i’m blogging from ‘Ego’ in Ackworth.

So yesterday, I started work early, around 4.30am, to influence for a specific country, in an different time zone. I finished up at around 1pm, shot straight to The Rustic Arms, simply because I adore open spaces, peaceful surroundings and wasn’t in the mood to be bothered. Haha. I got in a quick drink, waited for my friend Katy P & Hairdresser Claire to arrive as I sunbathed and *SCREECHED* every 14 minutes, because chickens kept popping out of nowhere and pecking my feet. (The pub has chickens running loose around the gardens, in case you were unaware. I didn’t just imagine them. It’s actually kinda ace...IF YOU DON’T HAVE A DISTINCT, IDIOTIC FEAR OF THEM. 

JUST SAYIN’

If you know me personally, you will absolutely KNOW that I have an intensely tragic FEAR of any kind of FARM YARD animal…Even booze doesn’t calm me down.

Long story short, the girls show up, Claire had been doing Katy P’s hair for a hot date, that was gonna go down later that evening. Now Katy P’s not one to really openly *gush* about guys…She is known to be a bit of a Tom Boy. Yet, she can’t fool me. Girls are girls. I saw it in her eyes…She was anxious, giddy and excited….and it was actually SO lovely to see her that way. It made me BEAM.

I LOVE A BIT OF EXCITEMENT.

So, obviously, being the GREAT friends that Claire & I are, we had to MOCK HER, just to build up the anxiety. 😉 She was really worried because it was her first ‘He’s coming over and I’m COOKING TEA FOR HIM‘ date, (sorry i’m already pissing myself,) and she obviously wanted to make a good impression, as her date, had once stayed over, stated that she ‘lived like a student’ and found a fish finger, laying in her kitchen sink…

Her Date: ‘What the hell is this?’

KatyP: ‘Just a fish finger. Why don’t you bring it back to life, put it in a bowl and see if it’ll swim?’

Anyway, so she was planning to ‘spiralize’ veg, until it was six feet long and put some chicken with it…Then make like she was some domestic goddess. (I would’ve just done pizza and sex. Hahaha.)  

The whole time we were chatting life, love, guys, all sorts…I could tell her mind was thinking about the date….She was all excited. HE was all excited…then Claire invited us back to hers for the famous ‘one more,’ before the BIG EVENT.

Now, Claire and I get on really well. We’ve known of each other for years, but over the last few months, we kinda found out that we’re both ace and have the same rubbish sense of humour. Plus, she does hair and I like that. And we’re both easy going. We love a good time. However, when you add her partner Matt to the equation (who’s fyi…a fitty)….it seems we all love a good time TOO much and turn evil.

ALL THREE OF US ARE SAGITTARIANS, meaning that Matt, Claire and I are filled with love, life and charisma….However, we’re also dickheads just for a bit of banter and laughter…

DRINKS WERE POURED. EXCITEMENT WAS SWIRLING. MATT was dancing and singing. Claire was beaming with laughter.

It was a really good time, because it was a great combination of people, in the most magical place ever.

Honestly, it’s like I walked through their doorway, (which houses Claire’s Hair Salon, @clairedurowhairdressing) found myself upstairs on a magicalroof top terrace,’ with the sun beaming down, which boasted comfy sofas, fairy lit globes, drapes, music and a log burner. It was almost like an exotic kingdom of unconventional glamour, fun and life. It had it’s own world and I was living it.

I was drinking around two actual bearded dragons, which were placed on my boobs, before they chilled on a coffee table, two ‘ ‘skin looking’ cats (as I call them,) the ones that have no fur on them. One was black and called ‘Salem’ and she was the SEXIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I sipped drinks and two tiny dogs appeared for cuddles…followed by a Staffy  named ‘Tilly’ and two tiny mice..that Claire casually  had in her hand.

IT WAS AMAZING…and the table was candle lit…and it was the MOST creatively magical space, I’d ever been it. It was also filled with love.

Matt (who I only met yesterday) and Claire are this amazing couple. They have a joy, a chemistry and a playful friendship that you would just DIE TO HAVE, with your partner. They’re do open about their love, that it’s refreshing.

Matt: ‘When I saw, I just KNEW she had to be mine…So i chased her.’

Claire: ‘As soon as he held my hand for the first time, I felt an indescribable chemistry…a chemistry that I had never felt before, I met him.’

Claire: ‘Matt what d’ya think about Chrissie?’

Matt: ‘She’s actually prettier than I thought she would be and yeah...*he then did a heart shape with his hands*’

..and then he told me that part of Louis Tomlinson’s family had actually match made his parents, who then went on to create HIM. Crazy! Innit.

Anyway, we’d only been their an hour and Kate was all nervous, but playing calm for her date. I was excited, because I just love, love. She had to rock off. We all hugged her, wished her luck, kissed her ‘good bye,’ because she was so filled with nerves and who doesn’t need support during those times…

She rushed under the white skull drape, we *waved* her off…as soon as she had left and we had sent her our blessings…Claire  says…(or was it Matt?)

Anyway…this happened…

‘WE ARE GONNA FUCK IT UP, AREN’T WE, JUST FOR A LAUGH, RIGHT!?!’

‘Obviously…’

It’s like we all thought the same thing at the same time….and this is why we shouldn’t drink, get excited and do it by bearded dragons….Lol.

We literally all *paused,* looked at each other and then pissed ourselves laughing, as we started to PLOT a story, so we could ruin her first date. Hahaha.

WHY ARE WE BASTARDS?

Here are some snippets…

‘Well should we say that I started hitting on Matt and it’s all got out of hand, and we’re now fighting?’

‘She doesn’t get jealous like that. She’s not gonna believe it.’

‘We need to say that there’s been an accident and she needs to take one of us to A&E, because we’re too drunk to drive.’

‘She’ll believe that I’ve fallen out with Matt.’

‘What about we say our daughters have had a fight, cos we never fight, she wouldn’t fall for it.’

‘He’s arriving in fifteen minutes..’

‘I’ve missed called her .’

‘Yeah, call her now, because she’ll be stressed, getting ready, spiralizing, and washing her privates.’

Anyway, Matt calls Kate, intentionally meaning to ‘miss call’ her…Kate picks up the fucking phone, so he panics and just says…

‘Who the fuck have you brought to MY house? It’s all going off.’

Then he hangs up, ABRUPTLY.

AND WE ARE PISSING OURSELVES!

We wait until her date gets to her house…and then Claire does the same thing…but the girl version of that sentence…

‘Call me, it’s all going a bit mental.’

There’s now all the wine being poured, bearded dragons and cats with no fur on, strutting around us and we are WEEING OURSELVES.

After 20 minutes…Kate sends a texting reading..

‘You’re dickheads…Hahahaha….’

Eww! So she didn’t even bite. So you’d reckon we’d give in at that point…

Me: ‘I’m not being defeated like that.’

Claire: Me Neither.’

Matt: ‘She won.’

He even texted  ‘I love you’ back.

Claire: ‘Eww! That’s lame.’

Me: ‘How annoying, Stop it.’

So we waited until their date had kicked in. They’re eating. They’re nervous. They’re getting to know one another…They’re flirting. It’s getting all cosy…It may even be leading up to a bit of ‘sexy sexy’… A bit of romance…

WE HAVE NOW DRANK SHIT LOADS…Claire had mice in her hands and Matt’s now dancing like he runs the world from his roof terrace and getting mad because we’re not listening to his song properly.

‘Don’t talk through it, just listen!

Then we just figured, no one could ruin it better than us. We needed ‘no story at all.’ We could just be US and ruin it…as that’s what friends are for.

So we call her…during her romantic date…

She actually  picks up…puts us on *Speaker*…and we attempt to RUIN LIVES in approximately 7 minutes?

I can’t even tell you what we said, because I can’t even remember…Lol…It was a rowdy blur of inappropriate, embarrassing banter. But I remember someone talking about the size of his genitalia? Can’t remember if he said he had a big one?

Kate’s now pissing herself because she’s a human, who’d find that as funny as we would. God knows, what her date thought? But he stayed over…so it couldn’t have been that bad.

Yet nothing was better than that moment. We were in hysterics. It felt so free and filled with love and all under the night stars. Sure, we were evil…But that’s what’s great friendship, is about. That’s what’s great about love. Magic. Freedom. Life.

The date went well. They got on merrily. Matt, Claire and I drank the night away and expressed our love for one another….like ya do. Lol.

Then I woke up this morning, to a text reading..

KatyP: ‘Does your head hurt? Lol’

Me: ‘Is he still there? Why are we dickheads? lol’

 

 

 

 

 

Busy Times, Travel, New Apps & Blackpool

I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened, that it’s almost like a *blur.* In the last 72 hours, i’ve probably worked the hardest i’ve ever worked and travelled from city to city promoting all sorts of jiggery, to all sorts of people. It’s what I wished for right? And yeah, it’s not easy. But i’m a ‘non sulker.’  We just get on with it right? You don’t get anything without working hard and it’s the ones that put in the grind that get the rewards. (Blah, but true.) This is a really busy time in Wunna Land…I don’t even know where to begin…But it’s GREAT!

I’ve fitted in all sorts from work, to leaving do’s, to prosecco dripped afternoons, where we learnt that blowing up balloons that taste like salt is a sin, fanning yourself with used Mayo plates by surprise is disgusting, that we know how to spend almost a £100 on Pornstars Martinis in one round and that i’m shit at stalling people. Lol

‘Chrissie, just go out there and stop her from coming in her! We’re not ready!’

My lips have never been more chapped from balloon blowing. We blew like bitches. Double B turned into a balloon blowing Nazi and Hustle Barbie almost collapsed after gentle blowing ONE! Lol. However, i’m still smiling, so I must be okay. (Or an alcoholic? Who knows?)

There’s been trains, schedules, manic travelling, family birthdays, being mum, filming shows, starting new texting reality dramas for all of you to read and an event blog diary that is filling up all the way through to Autumn faster than I can *blink.* I even have a book to put together over the next few months.

I’ve shared gin and tonics with good friends and you know they’re great when they actually rush upstairs to get changed for the gym and then immediately fuck off the honing of a ‘Kardashian’ booty to jog to the bar to spend ‘G & T’ time with you. That’s what ‘Double B’ did. That is a good human. That’s what I call a glamour puss! It makes me glow knowing that she’s ace. I need beings like that in my world…ALWAYS. You need to be her.

There’s been up and downs, great times and exhaustion and I thought I was gonna feel really sorry for myself ( we always have those moments don’t we, where we all get scared, tired or worried) until my Mum sat me down and said,

‘I know you’re tired. I know it’s hard. I know you’re juggling a lot. And yeah, I hate seeing you think you can’t handle it. But you can. I’m proud of you. You are surrounded by great people, who support you madly. You have one shot at opportunity…and this is your shot…don’t blow it, go for it…In the end, you’ll be beaming. Remember how lucky you are. Stay completely earthed. I love you. I love you more than anything. Go for it.’

Anyway, with that in my head and after a really long work week, I kissed the babies ‘bye’ and shot off on a train to Blackpool to go see one of my good friend Liam Halewood (He’s a singer and entertainer…He did the Xfactor and we’ve become besties, after Lisa Appleton introduced us. ) He’s gay. I’m his token hottie friend. You get it. Booyah! Gin for everyone!

My girls, Liam and I had been texting each other the whole day. (Our private text messages are currently ‘live’ on the Onlookr App for ‘Chrissie in the City’…Where you now get direct insight into my life 24/7, with our messages delivered straight to your phone. It’s had such a mad buzz  on Twitter. I’m not gonna tell you it’s easy, because it’s not and i’m used to having my ‘privates tellings’ splashed all over for the cyber world to read. But I will tell you it’s fun.. It’s a story to tell. Once we get going, we’re ace and I’m really grateful that I have such good friends. I mean that. I really mean that. PS/ Thank you… You’re wonderful.) At this moment in time. I’d say, we’re really lucky.

But yeah, I slept all the way up to Blackpool with messages coming in galore, weird tramps next to me who kept shouting out the word ‘Pussy’ (they had their kids next to them also…delicious,) time was going slowly and i had a message from a production company who are working on a Channel 4 show, that I want to be on. They asked me to call them pronto. It made me feel giddy!

I had zero charge on my phone, so  I just couldn’t do it. OFCOURSE. I don’t like trains without chargey spots. Infact, you know when they say ‘Divas’ always have ‘high maintenance’ requests…like..

‘I’ll only have green M & M’s and Gin & Tonic flavoured crisps please..’

(Yes, you can get them. 😉 )

My ONLY EVER requests are..

‘There needs to be an alcoholic beverage of any kind, but not a shot, free wifi and phone charger points close to me, at all times.’

(Sorry, i’m pissing myself. It’s still Junior’s birthday weekend and their both still up having a ‘dance party’ in the next room, after an entire day at Sundown Adventure land. They’re cute. I LOVE THEM. It’s late. But whatever, I’m soft. You’re only 4 once. 🙂 )

As soon as I got off the Leeds train to Blackpool, life just lit up! I was ready. I’d had a nap. Lol. I was excited to see Liam and there he was with a hug. (Even though we just stood there talking , accidentally at the front of the taxi queue, waiting for a his hubby Lee to come get us, as other people formed an orderly queue behind us and waited for ages for a cab.)

‘Ooh shit sorry! We didn’t realize you were waiting for a taxi! We’re just chatting. Lol.’

Got back to Liam’s and chilled it for a bit, as we caught up with Lee his hubbster, I had an a phone call audition to tend to, so i scheduled that in and did it on speaker as I got completed naked and got changed into a ‘going to dinner’ dress and then we slagged all the new Big Brother contestants off. Well…I did. Liam’s nicer than I am. Lol. (When he’s not pissed. Lol.) I’m the opposite. I’m nicer when drunk and yeah i’d say heavily down to earth but naturally SASSY when sober. 🙂  I have no problem telling you what i honestly think.

(‘Fairytale Blond’ has just ruined Sunday by reminding me of our ‘next week’ work schedule. She wanted to share her pain with me and remind me that we’re both on some hardcore diet from now on. Lol. We’re too hot to work that hard. Honest! Why is she ruining Sunday? 🙂  We have one day off…that has already been scheduled out to Gino’s Restaurant in Leeds. For the next 12 days straight, i will be with ‘fairytale.’ She’s put us all on diets! Lol) 

Anyway, great hour long phone audition done, our friend Aaron stopped by, Liam got changed, as he was filming his Facebook Live ‘Liam’s Corner of the Couch’  thing with a singing gig to follow and I dashed into my dress, hopped in the car and we all headed for dinner at the Waves Bistro.

Great place, because it’s so chilled yet so lovely.  As soon as you walk in it’s filled with ambiance, which I love and beautiful seaside detail. Like our table was glass covered, with internally filled with soft sand, that had scattered real sea shells and stones in. I loved it. It was warm. Well appointed. Had things like a sensor lighthouse on the walls and new fittings with decadent glamourous rooms. His hotel has actual been on the Channel 4 show ‘Four Beds..’ and it won!

Matt the owner..

‘I love that picture..’

‘Which one…? Oh that one of me casually in a bath in a barn! lol’

…came to greet me immediately with the biggest smile and the greatest most down to earth manner. Not snooty at all. I love that! I felt at home straight away…then asked for a Prosecco and a phone charger point. 🙂 He couldn’t be more easy to get on with and when youre easy to get on with and have a bottle of bubbles in your hand, i’m probably going to be your bestie…

Liam was setting up for his ‘Liam’s corner of the couch’ interview with ME. I was shitting myself for no reason..and now guzzling wine. Aaron was looking through menu’s. Then we all whammed in steak food orders…

‘Yeah, the steak, no fat..’

‘No blood..’

‘I don’t mind blood…No carbs, so just veg…’

‘Do you do fish?’

Then we filmed the show. I watched Liam chitter chatter for a bit. I talked shit in the live interview with him, where I talked Paris Hilton, Steven Bartlett for a bit…and we all sat down with Matt the owner over the most delicious starters (I had the roasted bell pepper) and steak mains. I’d go again…and I hardly ever say that! It just felt lovely and I always go on how places make me feel. It’s the manner of the joint.

Best Service ever…Best company ever. Even the noisy ‘when we were filming’ Geordies were ace.

‘How do we shut them up?’

Delicate sea shelled tables, light Prosecco pours, perfectly cooked steak and right by the beach at the coast. Who knew Waves Bistro existed? He’s done a fasntatstic job. That will be one of the BEST places in Blackpool. Everything had been modernized in the warmest way. I mean the staff couldn’t be more chilled and polite. No wonder it won awards. I did selfies with Matt, by a lighthouse wall. He deserved them.

Then all was said and done…we’re ordering taxi’s to take us to the next hotel for Liam’s gig and..

*PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP*

*PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP*

*PAP/PAP*

And that was non stop upon exit, until they nearly got run over, by a taxi.

‘Who are you dating? Are you off on Big Brother?’

I’m great with all that though. It all helps. 😉

Got to next hotel and could finally just chill! Aaron and I watched Liam do his set and he’d down played it to me like he was shit, but he was AMAZING.

We drank, we laughed, we drank, we laughed, we got our Tina Turner on, then were joined by Kyle (he’s Aaron’s friend and a Wunna fan, so he’s already a favourite) and we committed to a night of debauchery.

Got out that hotel…

*PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP/PAP* 

But by then it was a blast. We were all ‘tell it how it is’ and  sweary. For the most expressive human, I was great and graceful and all ‘I don’t know sir?’ 

We all jumped into a cab, I plonked on Liam’s Playboy comfies. (I love comfies more than anything in the world.) I text all my chick friends to make sure life was all in tact and sent a guy I was thinking about a message, AFTER ORDERING DOMINOS AT 2 AM in the morning.

Great nights sleep. Did my face in a Apple Desktop computer screen the next morning. I had such a great time. I couldn’t have been looked after better. It meant a lot. It made me smile. I can’y wait to go again.

Got straight back in the afternoon, after coffee, banter and a cheeseburger by Balamory looking Houses. All I wanted was to see the babies after such a tough week of work. I love work. I love my friends. I’m grateful for everything. But i love my baby time. I’m in charge of making sure they’re great adults…Its a huge thing for me. I do it well by making them feel special. No…I do it the best I can….All parents do, with our fingers crossed.

Got back to Leeds, texted everyone…and then I slept…

I’ll be back on track tomorrow. Ill have a good blog. I’m just so knackered. I need extra shut eye. x Diet starts tomorrow, as my friends and I ALL have bikinis to get into.

Life is changing. Good things are happening. It’s a shock. But if you don’t take it too seriously and enjoy the ride, its not so shabby.

DON’T FORGET THAT MY BEST FRIENDS AND i HAVE OPENED UP OUT PRIVATE TEXT MESSAGES FOR 10 DAYS ONLY, FOR THE PUBLIC TO READ….OPENLY.

THEY ARE CURRENTLY ‘LIVE’ ON THE ONLOOKR APP for ‘CHRISSIE IN THE CITY’ and there’s no better way to get an actual insight to what we really goes on in Wunna land.

Download the app NOW!

You’ve missed loads.

Onlookr.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filth, Sex, Boys & Hilarious Girl Power

Sorry, I didn’t blog last night. I had a really busy day which ended up with me glamourously guzzling entire bottle of red, dancing to gangsta rap, then pretending I was P.Diddy and passing out. I did WANT to blog, yet was quite smartly advised for me not to 🙂 because as we know, i’m quite outspoken and ‘out’ spilly on ‘fun mode.’ It all gets the better of me doesn’t it. Plus, I thought I was gangsta. So I left it. 🙂 (And passed out.)

I have definitely learnt that letting people have your phone for a second is certainly DEVASTATING. Lol. All sorts of hilarious ‘jiggery pokery’ happened, that I had to promptly clean up with a terrified ‘ooh’ face! It’s a lesson I never learn. I’m far too trusting. 🙂 The last time I lent my phone to someone for maybe 3 minutes, they went on my Instagram and ‘love hearted’ a guy’s entire pictured life. His notifications will have ALL BEEN FROM ME, about 40 in a row Lol…and all on his smutty gym pics. Hahaha! And to make it worse, they even wrote comments from me, really cheesy ‘lovey ones about dogs and love and how I wished i was laid next to him! HAHAHAHAH! Another time, someone went through my Facebook inbox, which as you can imagine is a treat, if treat meant ‘absolute horror’ and saw that a guy had sent me hundreds of dirty messages that I had never replied to. My guy friend took it upon himself to reply to him with the words,

‘I’ve had a whisky baby and i’m drying up…’

Hahahah! Yet, my guy friend got what he derserved, as with almost a cyber *wink* of an eye, the guy sent back numerous videos of his willy and then a picture of him doing this weird hand dance with it? 😉 (Told you, you shouldn’t have done it. Lol)

Today has been a great day. I’m feeling stimulated, motivated, and fun! The girls and I have worked our socks off today but still managed to have literally THE BEST LAUGH EVER. In fact, the best laugh over the last TWO days. I’ve been in creases. Girls definitely fun the world.

So much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin..? Mel walked into the office and called me FAT! Lol.

‘Have you got your waist trainer on today?’

‘No..’

‘Oh, good, cos I see all your over hang!’

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then I HAD to eat everything out of our FILTH drawer with Fairytale Blond and Hot Sarah (who was sick and dying today, but suggested that I have her germs, so i could get skinny too) simply out of sympathy. All of us, including Firmonnell and Double B are SHIT with a filth drawer A drawer just filled with filth. We an’t stop ourselves and rummage in until we have it completely DESTROYED!

‘OOh look, I’ve found a chewy mint hidden in the bottom of the drawer’

Which fat fuck has eaten all the sweets?’

‘I’ve just got no will power.’

Then Mel took it upon herself to make sure that Hot Sarah knew that a certain room had been ‘stunk out’ by Firmonnell…

‘Becareful when you go up there?’

‘Why?’

‘Stinks of fish…’

‘Why?’

‘Dunno, Firmonnell did it, she forgot to wear pants today.’ 

HAHAHAH! Dying!

Firmonnell: ‘I’m paranoid now, it must’ve been my cous cous???’ 

Then like life couldn’t get any better ‘Double B’ hears some great news, that added to her new great £300 Rapunzel hair..The Vogue Top Knot, has DIED…

‘Oh my god! We’ve done it! He’s done it for us! I’m definitely giving him a blow job. Definitely sending him nudes, to thank him.’ 🙂 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guys are ace, as we as girls could really send nudes to thank them if we really wanted. Lol. Smashed a business deal. Here’s in with no bra on.

Then she went on about how she once got so drunk that she made a sandwich on a door. I once got so drunk that I woke up with a traffic cone celotaped to my head and passed out on a West Hollywood merry..go..around in a lime green fedora, after tequila. (All because a guy named Ryan didn’t love me. Was it Ryan? Lol.)

BUT, Hot Sarah then steams in with a..

‘Well..my friend, has a friend, who she shared a room with in Uni and whenever girls were drunk and around, she would beckon them into a room, tell them she had an enlarged vulva (hahahaha, sorry i’m dying)…and then get it out to show them.’ 

‘Was she a lesbian?’

‘No, she just liked getting her massive vulva out and showing it to people…and it WAS really enlarged.’

HAHAHAHAHAH!

The previous day Hot Sarah, Firmonnell and I had had a conversation about whether we’d marry Ed Sheran. I obviously admire his work, yet just don’t find him sexy. I just couldn’t get jiggy with him. But he could play me love songs and i’d adore him.

Hot Sarah reckoned that she could marry him, but then changed her mind because his face was piggy like.

Firmonnell went for it with a ‘I’d marry him. I love him. He’s amazing. So down to earth, so sweet, so talented..I think he’s sexy!’

Hot Sarah: ‘Yeah, he seems so romantic and just lovely…’

Firmonnell: ‘But would you fancy him if he just worked at Greggs?’ (HAHAHAH DYING! SORRY.)

Me: ‘Would YOU marry him, if he worked at Greggs?’

Firmonnell: ‘No. Lol. I only like him as Ed Sheran, as he is…NOW..because it’s like he’s a celebrity who is so down to earth and that never happens…’

Hot Sarah: ‘So you like him with world wide fame, talent and millions….’

We all LAUGHED..but then we all paused, thought about it and then said ‘Yes.’ 🙂

Sheran is too studenty looking for me. I like a ‘swarvo.’ Then they made fun of the celebs that I fancy, like Ronaldo and Lewis Hamilton.

‘So you only have to be the BEST IN THE WORLD at something for Chrissie to fancy you.’

(Note: That is not the case….when tipsy. 🙂 )

Then we went on about how it was weird that people could talk to me online, yet if they were to see me in a public place, they sort of fill themselves up with terror and daren’t even look at me. A girl did that to me in a bar recently. I don’t bite. Well,I might when i’m in my piece of shit waist trainer that makes me viscous.

Both Firmonell and Hot Sarah said this,

‘Well if I didn’t know you as a person in real life, and just read your blog, I would think you’re a completely different type of person..’

Yeah, but i don’t  get that, as it’s still me, i’m writing it…just being me?’

‘Yeah, but if i didn’t actually know you, I wouldn’t have guessed how down to earth you are..’

My brain must be high maintenance and scary. Or I talk so much shit that I terrify you. (Send nudes.)

Double B then decided that she wanted a colonic.

Mel: ‘What? Are you going to buy a douche…’

Double B: ‘NO! A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL ONE. I don’t fancy self douching myself.’ 

HAHAHAHAH! I was just in creases from the start of this conversation. I couldn’t even contain myself at the thought of Double B self douching. HAHAHA. DYING!

*Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your…WHAT THE FUCK!?!’

London Business Man sent me a Whatsapp, moaning that I haven’t managed to do catch up drinks with him yet. But i really am busy. He told me my ‘waist training’ selfie was ‘insane’ and that he HAS to see me. I haven’t really seen him in half a year. Lol. It’s amazing what a waist trainer can do. Doesn’t make me feel good AT ALL, but totally pulls….EVERYONE. My Facebook comments are *tippy tapping* over this picture…

Image may contain: one or more people, phone and selfie

My waist trainer is a bitch. I’ve called her Veronica, because that sounds like a bitchy name. (If that’s your name, sorry….Keep reading. 🙂 )

But to end all this doo dah, let me tell you a nice story.

Well to be fair it started off shit…I watched someone close to me, who’s a big girl, have secret little girl tears. We all do it and the great thing about being a strong girl, is that when we’re around our chick friends, we’re comfortable enough to have a big cry, open up, talk about our love lives, call each other fat, talk about sex and say our privates smell like fish.

YET, as soon as work, business or men are infront of us the banter quits, the brains work, the tears dry and we stand tall like the hottest Sasserilla’s who have ever seen.

But what I will say that is was heartbreaking to see someone you care about, a strong, tough girl, shed proper ‘little girl’ tears. What I mean by ‘little girl tears’ is that moment when you look at a grown women and she is so sad that you need to give her a cuddle because her face, at that moment, reminds you, that on the inside at times,  she’s still a girl a little girl, who HAS to be a warrior. I get that! I’ve been there.

Yet, the wonderful thing about that moment, was that it had something to do with her past that was muddling with her present….

However, when she travelled home, to her little amazement, her ‘future’ was sat, in a car, outside her house, with a bunch of tulips, (which is her FAVOURITE flower) and with them he solved all her problems with love, smarts and a warmth that makes us women melt.

It made me smile when she told me the story because any girl who is lucky enough to be with a guy, who remembers her favourite flower and is waiting  outside her home to surprise her, with the intentions and solutions to ‘sort out’ all her problems, is more than a God Send, but a miracle..and she deserves it.

Romance is alive….


 

 

 

 

Peacock dresses, fools and busy times

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So happy it’s the weekend! Had the busiest week. It was always Monday and seemed never ending. Lol. Really busy and you don’t really realize how ‘on the go’ you’ve been until it hit’s five thirty on a Friday afternoon and you throw on your coat and strut out the door…still with everything buzzing in your head and hit *pause.* Got home, poured a gin & tonic (hurrah) didn’t even know what to do with myself, *look puzzled here* ( got into comfies, danced with the babies and whilst reply messaging to friends that i hadn’t managed to keep up with, I must have become (and i’m using this as it was very well put by a being) ‘overwhelmed with chilledness’ that i fell asleep, in bed at 8pm…mid message, arm flung down, glitter wrapped phone (don’t glitter wrap your phone, it fucks it up,) dropped on the bedside floor. I think my body was just in shock that it didn’t have to get up for work in the morning and it finally embraced the ‘chill.’ TIKI BAR COCKTAILS FOR EVERYONE!

Hope you’re all okay! Happy October. I’m dress buying (online) for the Leeds Lifestyle Awards, that is on Wednesday. I Know, odd day to have it. But still fun. I have no time to work on my general Autumn wardrobe or my  kitty divine Winter ‘look.’ Lol. My obvious life essentials are being neglected. I’ve had a tough week. I don’t know why? It’s simply what The Gods ordered. I can handle it. 😉 There’s this Belly Button guy who keeps messaging, on repeat, daily and i find him really annoying, but surely because he should have better choices for fun? He wants to be on the blog..so there…now you are! GO AWAY! 🙂

Did you know it was was Nigerian Independence day today! Facebook told me, as I am to celebrate it with my New Nigerian friends and blog readers. Lol

Just adding my favourite Peacock dress here as an interval. You can go make a cup of tea at this point.

‘McC,’ and I paid off our ‘pimp’ debts, lol,  talked about bouji Advent Calendars and had prawn salads together, because we couldn’t find the ‘spud van.’ I can’t wait for Christmas. I want it to be my birthday. Everyone is rocking their new bouji cars. I now think Gin is more of a key positive than a sausage roll. I’ve had a being send me a photo of a chair that they built..not from scratch, but from the Devil’s land ‘Ikea.’ (I love Ikea, yet i due to my absolute lack of the required talent, patience or skills to be arsed to able to screw things together, from following an upside down plan, to me…it’s one for The Devil..or a fool. 🙂  He’s sweet though. He’s smashed a chair out in seconds.)

GOD! I saw a middle aged man get run over by a Fiat yesterday and because some teens on bikes wouldn’t move out of his way. Just like that! Boom. Down! Then he got up and called the Fiat a ‘cunt’ (Which reminds me, i’m loving filthysentiments.co.uk right now) and I had this weird flashback in this moment of a time I was at The Dorchester and Jackie Collins told me that I should be Fergie, after I was told to read part of my book out to her? Hahaha. (Why would that trigger that!)

Anyway, before i go and i’m gonna be writing TWO MORE BLOGS TODAY,WHILST I’M CHILLED, SO GET READY. Everything happens for a reason? And i like brave, attentive boys.

Simples. *Bye*