2018, Kittens & Baby Pink Undies

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I sailed into 2018 peacefully, armed with the mighty words, that I accumulated via The Fine God, that is P.Diddy…

‘Too blessed to be stressed.’

I had a wonderful 2017. I don’t have to go through it all, because…well, you all know what happened, I wrote a diary about it almost every day. (Well, I told you the bits that I wanted to tell you. 😉 )

It was a big year of ‘building.’ The kinda year where you have a plan, yet FOR ONCE you actually go about ‘being productive’ with it all. For example…How can I put it?  Last year, I didn’t sit and WATCH the fitness video, whilst eating a packet of crisps. I STOOD UP AND DID THE VIDEO.

Changes were made. Changes that put ‘happiness’ first and because of all that sassy sizzle of hard work…this year….in 2018, I should be rubbing two sticks together and finally making a fire.

There’s been lots of moments where in which *sparks* were lit, yet the fire didn’t burn…because I couldn’t dedicate time to it.

So with ‘timing is everything’ as my cliche. In 2018, i’m just gonna get on with it. That fire will burn.

This is my year.

(And I do mean that in both work and love. People always ask me about my love life…When it comes to love…I very much put my hand on my heart and swear by fate.)

How you all feeling? I’ve watched all your Snapchat & Insta stories and lived your New Year’s Eve with you!

So whether you woke up in a new city, or with a strange human laying next to you, or on a friend.. of a friends sofa… or at home with the kids, on your own..whatever happened? Whether you woke up hungover, sober or immersed in an accidental new chapter…KNOW… that you’re fine.

It’s Monday. It’s cool. You can use January 1st as an excuse to ‘start over.’

During the day, I had a busy New Years Eve, as I was on a train with Ruby & Junior (and my Mum) at 9.12am. I was on Platform Six, at Doncaster train station and headed into Leeds to go do lunch, a ‘Meet and Greet’ and stroke kittens at The Kitty Cafe.

Popular place. I had a WONDERFUL TIME. Really happy to have met you all. (I was late because my Taxi Driver didn’t know how to get there. I hate that, because if I was a taxi driver…I’d KNOW HOW TO DRIVE PLACES.) Fabulous wonderland. That place is spankingly bouji. It’s peaceful, yet busy and I’d say the perfect place to take your children….if they adore kittens.

Ruby & Junior LIVED FOR IT. I couldn’t get them out of the place! I had to pretend that we were buying a kitten, that would magically arrive at our home… by post? JUST TO GET THEM TO LEAVE.

I actually couldn’t believe how amazing the cafe was! You should absolutely go for the experience. However, I was there to ‘meet you’ and ‘greet you’…and that pretty much was my focus. (I love that you can order a Japanese flowering tea there. All the BOUJ!)

Just so you know! There’s actually going to be A GREAT DEAL of opportunities to ‘Meet Me’ and ‘Greet Me’ throughout this year. I’m excited to see you. I love it. It’s my favourite part of the ‘ball.’ A lot of you are asking…So yes, do not fret! The opportunity to say ‘hello’ and tinker in Wunna and will be there.

But anyway, my New Years Eve, was all about family. I had everyone around at my place and after a dance off, a few drinks, a bit of food, mixed in with the art of acting out ‘Little Mix’ videos. (Junior LOVES a shindig. He went bonkers with his dance moves and pout. His soul is every inch Wunna Land. Ruby is sassy, sophisticated, but FUN.)

Junior: ‘Mum, swing that chandelier thing about…No!  Do it really fast, so it makes the room look like a party.’

(Olly Murs ‘Dance With Me’ was on in the background, so loud that you couldn’t hear anyone speak at all. I guzzled Prosecco and forgot to think about my waistline. Oh and DO KNOW, that a Diet Guru did actually contact me and you will SEE which plan I think i’m going to go with….over the next couple weeks. Oh! And everyone keeps messaging me, asking what my New Years resolutions are? I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Lol. Do people still make New Year resolutions? I thought they had been buried with the art of giving Christmas cards?)

Bottom line, I don’t like to restrict myself, simply because my life turns insane at points and I need to be emotionally and physically ‘flexi’ enough to Rumba along with it, without ‘Stop Signs’ and ‘Tut Tut, Shakey Fingers’ telling me to ‘Watch out.’

There was definitely a point last night where I found myself with a left handful of Jelly Babies & a right handful of Bombay Mix.

Oh the glamour!

I ate out of both handfuls..gracefully. Infact, a tiny piece at a time, like I was the Queen.  Then washed it down with prosecco..ungracefully…like I was Captain Jack Sparrow…in a faux fur….Or did I do it like I was Ru Paul? I can’t decide?

Anyway, the family party is going on downstairs. I tinker upstairs to find something. Lords knows what? Maybe my dignity, some help, a cocktail bar, Elvis? Who Knows???

I saunter into my room, slip into my’ comfiest comfies’ and then accidentally fall asleep in my pj’s at around 11.30pm without telling anyone, just before the whole ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR,’ hoo haa. (I do that..When I need to rest, I just disappear…and get comfy. That’s why I always love guys who like to kick back and get comfy, in their comfies.)

Mum: ‘I walked upstairs to find you and you were tucked in bed, with the lights out fast asleep, with a giant bottle of Prosecco by your bedside…even RUBY stayed up!! Haha.’

Woke up this morning feeling,

FRESH AS A DAISY.

So FRESH, I was *breezy.*

So CLEAN, I was *squeaky.*

Tried a whole ‘dazzle’ of Ann Summers numbers on, before noon. Delightful little pieces of ‘cheeky, cheeky.’ I love Ann Summers, I think it’s GREAT. I’ve obviously worked alongside them previously, as I designed a Sex Toy range, with Jacqueline Gold (CEO of the company,) which was filmed and aired on Channel 4. I was ‘fitted’ into all sorts of pieces this morning….Some played well with my body…Some got the ‘thumbs down…Something got the ‘YES!!! THAT’S IT!’ ( I love those moments.)

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Then I had fish and chips. (Yay! Well done Diet Queen.) And because I worked SO HARD during 2017 and because (here we go) I have such an exciting 2018 of ‘work hard’ but with results for you to enjoy…I kinda wanted to just rest today. I’m already in my comfies, sat on my bed blogging, with a wine.

 So January the 1st. 2018…Wunna Land rested. Lol.

What? If my soul needs to rest, it’ll rest and if my soul needs to play…it’ll play.  🙂 🙂

Tomorrow…I’m headed in with a wink…

Welcome to 2018.

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Check out my Instagram & Facebook Stories for Wunna Land ‘Behind The Scenes’ moments.

x

 

Filth, Sex, Boys & Hilarious Girl Power

Sorry, I didn’t blog last night. I had a really busy day which ended up with me glamourously guzzling entire bottle of red, dancing to gangsta rap, then pretending I was P.Diddy and passing out. I did WANT to blog, yet was quite smartly advised for me not to 🙂 because as we know, i’m quite outspoken and ‘out’ spilly on ‘fun mode.’ It all gets the better of me doesn’t it. Plus, I thought I was gangsta. So I left it. 🙂 (And passed out.)

I have definitely learnt that letting people have your phone for a second is certainly DEVASTATING. Lol. All sorts of hilarious ‘jiggery pokery’ happened, that I had to promptly clean up with a terrified ‘ooh’ face! It’s a lesson I never learn. I’m far too trusting. 🙂 The last time I lent my phone to someone for maybe 3 minutes, they went on my Instagram and ‘love hearted’ a guy’s entire pictured life. His notifications will have ALL BEEN FROM ME, about 40 in a row Lol…and all on his smutty gym pics. Hahaha! And to make it worse, they even wrote comments from me, really cheesy ‘lovey ones about dogs and love and how I wished i was laid next to him! HAHAHAHAH! Another time, someone went through my Facebook inbox, which as you can imagine is a treat, if treat meant ‘absolute horror’ and saw that a guy had sent me hundreds of dirty messages that I had never replied to. My guy friend took it upon himself to reply to him with the words,

‘I’ve had a whisky baby and i’m drying up…’

Hahahah! Yet, my guy friend got what he derserved, as with almost a cyber *wink* of an eye, the guy sent back numerous videos of his willy and then a picture of him doing this weird hand dance with it? 😉 (Told you, you shouldn’t have done it. Lol)

Today has been a great day. I’m feeling stimulated, motivated, and fun! The girls and I have worked our socks off today but still managed to have literally THE BEST LAUGH EVER. In fact, the best laugh over the last TWO days. I’ve been in creases. Girls definitely fun the world.

So much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin..? Mel walked into the office and called me FAT! Lol.

‘Have you got your waist trainer on today?’

‘No..’

‘Oh, good, cos I see all your over hang!’

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then I HAD to eat everything out of our FILTH drawer with Fairytale Blond and Hot Sarah (who was sick and dying today, but suggested that I have her germs, so i could get skinny too) simply out of sympathy. All of us, including Firmonnell and Double B are SHIT with a filth drawer A drawer just filled with filth. We an’t stop ourselves and rummage in until we have it completely DESTROYED!

‘OOh look, I’ve found a chewy mint hidden in the bottom of the drawer’

Which fat fuck has eaten all the sweets?’

‘I’ve just got no will power.’

Then Mel took it upon herself to make sure that Hot Sarah knew that a certain room had been ‘stunk out’ by Firmonnell…

‘Becareful when you go up there?’

‘Why?’

‘Stinks of fish…’

‘Why?’

‘Dunno, Firmonnell did it, she forgot to wear pants today.’ 

HAHAHAH! Dying!

Firmonnell: ‘I’m paranoid now, it must’ve been my cous cous???’ 

Then like life couldn’t get any better ‘Double B’ hears some great news, that added to her new great £300 Rapunzel hair..The Vogue Top Knot, has DIED…

‘Oh my god! We’ve done it! He’s done it for us! I’m definitely giving him a blow job. Definitely sending him nudes, to thank him.’ 🙂 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guys are ace, as we as girls could really send nudes to thank them if we really wanted. Lol. Smashed a business deal. Here’s in with no bra on.

Then she went on about how she once got so drunk that she made a sandwich on a door. I once got so drunk that I woke up with a traffic cone celotaped to my head and passed out on a West Hollywood merry..go..around in a lime green fedora, after tequila. (All because a guy named Ryan didn’t love me. Was it Ryan? Lol.)

BUT, Hot Sarah then steams in with a..

‘Well..my friend, has a friend, who she shared a room with in Uni and whenever girls were drunk and around, she would beckon them into a room, tell them she had an enlarged vulva (hahahaha, sorry i’m dying)…and then get it out to show them.’ 

‘Was she a lesbian?’

‘No, she just liked getting her massive vulva out and showing it to people…and it WAS really enlarged.’

HAHAHAHAHAH!

The previous day Hot Sarah, Firmonnell and I had had a conversation about whether we’d marry Ed Sheran. I obviously admire his work, yet just don’t find him sexy. I just couldn’t get jiggy with him. But he could play me love songs and i’d adore him.

Hot Sarah reckoned that she could marry him, but then changed her mind because his face was piggy like.

Firmonnell went for it with a ‘I’d marry him. I love him. He’s amazing. So down to earth, so sweet, so talented..I think he’s sexy!’

Hot Sarah: ‘Yeah, he seems so romantic and just lovely…’

Firmonnell: ‘But would you fancy him if he just worked at Greggs?’ (HAHAHAH DYING! SORRY.)

Me: ‘Would YOU marry him, if he worked at Greggs?’

Firmonnell: ‘No. Lol. I only like him as Ed Sheran, as he is…NOW..because it’s like he’s a celebrity who is so down to earth and that never happens…’

Hot Sarah: ‘So you like him with world wide fame, talent and millions….’

We all LAUGHED..but then we all paused, thought about it and then said ‘Yes.’ 🙂

Sheran is too studenty looking for me. I like a ‘swarvo.’ Then they made fun of the celebs that I fancy, like Ronaldo and Lewis Hamilton.

‘So you only have to be the BEST IN THE WORLD at something for Chrissie to fancy you.’

(Note: That is not the case….when tipsy. 🙂 )

Then we went on about how it was weird that people could talk to me online, yet if they were to see me in a public place, they sort of fill themselves up with terror and daren’t even look at me. A girl did that to me in a bar recently. I don’t bite. Well,I might when i’m in my piece of shit waist trainer that makes me viscous.

Both Firmonell and Hot Sarah said this,

‘Well if I didn’t know you as a person in real life, and just read your blog, I would think you’re a completely different type of person..’

Yeah, but i don’t  get that, as it’s still me, i’m writing it…just being me?’

‘Yeah, but if i didn’t actually know you, I wouldn’t have guessed how down to earth you are..’

My brain must be high maintenance and scary. Or I talk so much shit that I terrify you. (Send nudes.)

Double B then decided that she wanted a colonic.

Mel: ‘What? Are you going to buy a douche…’

Double B: ‘NO! A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL ONE. I don’t fancy self douching myself.’ 

HAHAHAHAH! I was just in creases from the start of this conversation. I couldn’t even contain myself at the thought of Double B self douching. HAHAHA. DYING!

*Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your…WHAT THE FUCK!?!’

London Business Man sent me a Whatsapp, moaning that I haven’t managed to do catch up drinks with him yet. But i really am busy. He told me my ‘waist training’ selfie was ‘insane’ and that he HAS to see me. I haven’t really seen him in half a year. Lol. It’s amazing what a waist trainer can do. Doesn’t make me feel good AT ALL, but totally pulls….EVERYONE. My Facebook comments are *tippy tapping* over this picture…

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My waist trainer is a bitch. I’ve called her Veronica, because that sounds like a bitchy name. (If that’s your name, sorry….Keep reading. 🙂 )

But to end all this doo dah, let me tell you a nice story.

Well to be fair it started off shit…I watched someone close to me, who’s a big girl, have secret little girl tears. We all do it and the great thing about being a strong girl, is that when we’re around our chick friends, we’re comfortable enough to have a big cry, open up, talk about our love lives, call each other fat, talk about sex and say our privates smell like fish.

YET, as soon as work, business or men are infront of us the banter quits, the brains work, the tears dry and we stand tall like the hottest Sasserilla’s who have ever seen.

But what I will say that is was heartbreaking to see someone you care about, a strong, tough girl, shed proper ‘little girl’ tears. What I mean by ‘little girl tears’ is that moment when you look at a grown women and she is so sad that you need to give her a cuddle because her face, at that moment, reminds you, that on the inside at times,  she’s still a girl a little girl, who HAS to be a warrior. I get that! I’ve been there.

Yet, the wonderful thing about that moment, was that it had something to do with her past that was muddling with her present….

However, when she travelled home, to her little amazement, her ‘future’ was sat, in a car, outside her house, with a bunch of tulips, (which is her FAVOURITE flower) and with them he solved all her problems with love, smarts and a warmth that makes us women melt.

It made me smile when she told me the story because any girl who is lucky enough to be with a guy, who remembers her favourite flower and is waiting  outside her home to surprise her, with the intentions and solutions to ‘sort out’ all her problems, is more than a God Send, but a miracle..and she deserves it.

Romance is alive….