When We Tried to Ruin Dates by Bearded Dragons

Image may contain: Chrissie Wunna

Afternoon! I’m currently shattered, so bare with me. I’m in my specs, because my eyes sting that badly, lol….i’m starving and I’m rocking weird thigh tan lines, because I sunbathed in my shorts yesterday. It’s almost like wearing ‘forever’ stockings….that are made from skin?

However, anyway..life is wonderful and right now, this second, i’m blogging from ‘Ego’ in Ackworth.

So yesterday, I started work early, around 4.30am, to influence for a specific country, in an different time zone. I finished up at around 1pm, shot straight to The Rustic Arms, simply because I adore open spaces, peaceful surroundings and wasn’t in the mood to be bothered. Haha. I got in a quick drink, waited for my friend Katy P & Hairdresser Claire to arrive as I sunbathed and *SCREECHED* every 14 minutes, because chickens kept popping out of nowhere and pecking my feet. (The pub has chickens running loose around the gardens, in case you were unaware. I didn’t just imagine them. It’s actually kinda ace...IF YOU DON’T HAVE A DISTINCT, IDIOTIC FEAR OF THEM. 

JUST SAYIN’

If you know me personally, you will absolutely KNOW that I have an intensely tragic FEAR of any kind of FARM YARD animal…Even booze doesn’t calm me down.

Long story short, the girls show up, Claire had been doing Katy P’s hair for a hot date, that was gonna go down later that evening. Now Katy P’s not one to really openly *gush* about guys…She is known to be a bit of a Tom Boy. Yet, she can’t fool me. Girls are girls. I saw it in her eyes…She was anxious, giddy and excited….and it was actually SO lovely to see her that way. It made me BEAM.

I LOVE A BIT OF EXCITEMENT.

So, obviously, being the GREAT friends that Claire & I are, we had to MOCK HER, just to build up the anxiety. 😉 She was really worried because it was her first ‘He’s coming over and I’m COOKING TEA FOR HIM‘ date, (sorry i’m already pissing myself,) and she obviously wanted to make a good impression, as her date, had once stayed over, stated that she ‘lived like a student’ and found a fish finger, laying in her kitchen sink…

Her Date: ‘What the hell is this?’

KatyP: ‘Just a fish finger. Why don’t you bring it back to life, put it in a bowl and see if it’ll swim?’

Anyway, so she was planning to ‘spiralize’ veg, until it was six feet long and put some chicken with it…Then make like she was some domestic goddess. (I would’ve just done pizza and sex. Hahaha.)  

The whole time we were chatting life, love, guys, all sorts…I could tell her mind was thinking about the date….She was all excited. HE was all excited…then Claire invited us back to hers for the famous ‘one more,’ before the BIG EVENT.

Now, Claire and I get on really well. We’ve known of each other for years, but over the last few months, we kinda found out that we’re both ace and have the same rubbish sense of humour. Plus, she does hair and I like that. And we’re both easy going. We love a good time. However, when you add her partner Matt to the equation (who’s fyi…a fitty)….it seems we all love a good time TOO much and turn evil.

ALL THREE OF US ARE SAGITTARIANS, meaning that Matt, Claire and I are filled with love, life and charisma….However, we’re also dickheads just for a bit of banter and laughter…

DRINKS WERE POURED. EXCITEMENT WAS SWIRLING. MATT was dancing and singing. Claire was beaming with laughter.

It was a really good time, because it was a great combination of people, in the most magical place ever.

Honestly, it’s like I walked through their doorway, (which houses Claire’s Hair Salon, @clairedurowhairdressing) found myself upstairs on a magicalroof top terrace,’ with the sun beaming down, which boasted comfy sofas, fairy lit globes, drapes, music and a log burner. It was almost like an exotic kingdom of unconventional glamour, fun and life. It had it’s own world and I was living it.

I was drinking around two actual bearded dragons, which were placed on my boobs, before they chilled on a coffee table, two ‘ ‘skin looking’ cats (as I call them,) the ones that have no fur on them. One was black and called ‘Salem’ and she was the SEXIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I sipped drinks and two tiny dogs appeared for cuddles…followed by a Staffy  named ‘Tilly’ and two tiny mice..that Claire casually  had in her hand.

IT WAS AMAZING…and the table was candle lit…and it was the MOST creatively magical space, I’d ever been it. It was also filled with love.

Matt (who I only met yesterday) and Claire are this amazing couple. They have a joy, a chemistry and a playful friendship that you would just DIE TO HAVE, with your partner. They’re do open about their love, that it’s refreshing.

Matt: ‘When I saw, I just KNEW she had to be mine…So i chased her.’

Claire: ‘As soon as he held my hand for the first time, I felt an indescribable chemistry…a chemistry that I had never felt before, I met him.’

Claire: ‘Matt what d’ya think about Chrissie?’

Matt: ‘She’s actually prettier than I thought she would be and yeah...*he then did a heart shape with his hands*’

..and then he told me that part of Louis Tomlinson’s family had actually match made his parents, who then went on to create HIM. Crazy! Innit.

Anyway, we’d only been their an hour and Kate was all nervous, but playing calm for her date. I was excited, because I just love, love. She had to rock off. We all hugged her, wished her luck, kissed her ‘good bye,’ because she was so filled with nerves and who doesn’t need support during those times…

She rushed under the white skull drape, we *waved* her off…as soon as she had left and we had sent her our blessings…Claire  says…(or was it Matt?)

Anyway…this happened…

‘WE ARE GONNA FUCK IT UP, AREN’T WE, JUST FOR A LAUGH, RIGHT!?!’

‘Obviously…’

It’s like we all thought the same thing at the same time….and this is why we shouldn’t drink, get excited and do it by bearded dragons….Lol.

We literally all *paused,* looked at each other and then pissed ourselves laughing, as we started to PLOT a story, so we could ruin her first date. Hahaha.

WHY ARE WE BASTARDS?

Here are some snippets…

‘Well should we say that I started hitting on Matt and it’s all got out of hand, and we’re now fighting?’

‘She doesn’t get jealous like that. She’s not gonna believe it.’

‘We need to say that there’s been an accident and she needs to take one of us to A&E, because we’re too drunk to drive.’

‘She’ll believe that I’ve fallen out with Matt.’

‘What about we say our daughters have had a fight, cos we never fight, she wouldn’t fall for it.’

‘He’s arriving in fifteen minutes..’

‘I’ve missed called her .’

‘Yeah, call her now, because she’ll be stressed, getting ready, spiralizing, and washing her privates.’

Anyway, Matt calls Kate, intentionally meaning to ‘miss call’ her…Kate picks up the fucking phone, so he panics and just says…

‘Who the fuck have you brought to MY house? It’s all going off.’

Then he hangs up, ABRUPTLY.

AND WE ARE PISSING OURSELVES!

We wait until her date gets to her house…and then Claire does the same thing…but the girl version of that sentence…

‘Call me, it’s all going a bit mental.’

There’s now all the wine being poured, bearded dragons and cats with no fur on, strutting around us and we are WEEING OURSELVES.

After 20 minutes…Kate sends a texting reading..

‘You’re dickheads…Hahahaha….’

Eww! So she didn’t even bite. So you’d reckon we’d give in at that point…

Me: ‘I’m not being defeated like that.’

Claire: Me Neither.’

Matt: ‘She won.’

He even texted  ‘I love you’ back.

Claire: ‘Eww! That’s lame.’

Me: ‘How annoying, Stop it.’

So we waited until their date had kicked in. They’re eating. They’re nervous. They’re getting to know one another…They’re flirting. It’s getting all cosy…It may even be leading up to a bit of ‘sexy sexy’… A bit of romance…

WE HAVE NOW DRANK SHIT LOADS…Claire had mice in her hands and Matt’s now dancing like he runs the world from his roof terrace and getting mad because we’re not listening to his song properly.

‘Don’t talk through it, just listen!

Then we just figured, no one could ruin it better than us. We needed ‘no story at all.’ We could just be US and ruin it…as that’s what friends are for.

So we call her…during her romantic date…

She actually  picks up…puts us on *Speaker*…and we attempt to RUIN LIVES in approximately 7 minutes?

I can’t even tell you what we said, because I can’t even remember…Lol…It was a rowdy blur of inappropriate, embarrassing banter. But I remember someone talking about the size of his genitalia? Can’t remember if he said he had a big one?

Kate’s now pissing herself because she’s a human, who’d find that as funny as we would. God knows, what her date thought? But he stayed over…so it couldn’t have been that bad.

Yet nothing was better than that moment. We were in hysterics. It felt so free and filled with love and all under the night stars. Sure, we were evil…But that’s what’s great friendship, is about. That’s what’s great about love. Magic. Freedom. Life.

The date went well. They got on merrily. Matt, Claire and I drank the night away and expressed our love for one another….like ya do. Lol.

Then I woke up this morning, to a text reading..

KatyP: ‘Does your head hurt? Lol’

Me: ‘Is he still there? Why are we dickheads? lol’