Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.

Anyway…

The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’

Me: ‘What? OMG! SCRRRRREEEEEAMS…..’

BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!

 

 

 

Busy, Busy, Shoot, Shoot, Busy

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7am Monday morning came with a text…

‘I’m outside..’

And just like that I dashed out of my home in my pink faux fur, stepped into a car and made my way to ‘ Hainsworth’ textiles (they make clothes for the actual Royal Family, ie/ Prince Williams Wedding outfit etc…) in Leeds, where I was ‘booked out and looked out’ to shoot for the Spring edition of the High Fashion magazine ‘House of Solo.’ (You all already know, that I know Abeiku Arthur, who owns the Magazine and company…So it couldn’t have been a more fulfilling adventure. I mean, to me nothing is better than working with friends that you respect and trust, who are ambitious and like minded, yet also warm, kind and a lot of fun. Someone that actually knows you and understands you. God! I’ve sold you well Dude! LOL!)

So, i’m not going to tell you a lot about the shoot itself or the premise of it, as the Spring Edition of the high fashion magazine is going to be out at the beginning of next month. (I did however Snapchat my time at the shoot, chrissiewunna1, so if you didn’t follow it, or watch it via social media, it’s kinda your own fault. 😉 Lol)

However, when  the Spring Edition of ‘House of Solo’ is out in print and online, i’ll give you the whole behind the scenes magically swirl of Wunna land.

I’m a writer by nature, a ‘life’ blogger and an accidental ‘marketeer’…So i’ve proof read the article that will go along with my pictures and contrary to popular belief, the article MATTERS to me GREATLY…as it has to relate to something that I believe in, that i’m passionate about…I’m not someone who’ll just ‘look at the pictures’…i’ll absorb, understand and creatively dance with it. So if i stand by something, or follow something, it’s because I genuinely find it so interesting and CARE about it passionately. I understand WHY, I do everything and sometimes people don’t? But yes, the article isn’t is short and pretty intellectual, with a fun twist of ‘current.’ It’s very ME and it gives you something to maybe think about…? In Abeiku Arthur’s mind, I was the IDEAL choice to ‘picture’ for this particular article and I recommend him for having such great judgment. Lol.

During the shoot (and my wardrobe was ‘just diamond encrusted heels’) I managed to break a coffee machine, I managed to to relive my ‘model’ days, I looked through some of the other people’s pictures, who had also shot for the magazine, I ventured onto Tom Zanetti’s set, where he had pictured the other week and IF NOTHING ELSE I had a LAUGH! I mean, I can’t even tell you how grateful and lucky I feel, as it’s not very often that you get the opportunity to shoot for glamourous High Fashion magazine, that you personally LOVE to read. That part of it all is CRAZY. And like I always say, I have a ‘Diva’ persona that people often go with and misjudge. I’m ambitious yes, which dashes me in ‘diva’ and  i’m determined, which is ‘Boss fierce,’ yet placed in a bag and shaken with glitter and dedication. So to meet me, you’ll find that i’m soft, warm and fun and maybe a bit different to how you would imagine?  And I only believe that to be true because all of my close friends SAY that I’m different to how others perceive me? I’m one of those positive beings that gives her ALL in starlight. When someones working alongside me, they usually have a smile in their eyes AND I LOVE THAT, it makes it all WORTHWHILE. So yes, more than anything, I just FEEL grateful. (But yes, I am also totally naked in the magazine… aside from a set of diamond encrusted heels.  HAHAHA!)

Y’know, it’s SO difficult to hold it all in and have to WAIT to tell you about my time on the shoot, as it’s all blissfully buzzing around my head, like bees around an oozing honey pot. But, oh my God, did we laugh! It was a moment of my life that was drenched in Wunna magic. I guess, it’s  one thing to know someone when they’re in business mode and fully clothed and another thing to then have them  stark bollock naked in front of you, in heels and boobies, belly laughing and chatting to you about dreams, work and life. It’s like the Queen doing a speech in just diamantee nipple tassles. Trump dressed in ‘drag’ on his giant ‘useless’ 🙂 election tour. I’m The Queen of MY WORLD and well I only ‘trump’ glitter….:) ….That day, I did MY meetings… in nothing but heels. Lol. (Why am I even single???  Surely there has GOT to be someone out there that adores me, who I could actually ADORE back?)

Anyway, yes, enough of all that! When the magazine comes out! I’ll invite into the delicious world of it all!

I will tell you that I am currently SHATTERED. Borderline wiggling on exhaustion due to work. I secretly love it, as i’m a horrific workaholic. But like you, I just have a dream and i’m working really hard to get to a spot where in which I can *pinch* myself in this  misty euphoric disbelief of ‘I did it!’

I have worked ALL DAY, EVERYDAY, non stop and I mean with ZERO hours spare. The hours SPARE have been taken up with ‘travel time and they have literally been my ONLY spare bits of life. My free time has had to be spent during the moments where i’m sat on a train or in a car, or in the back of a taxi…getting to my next destination of work. ALL of that time i’m on social media…which is kinda these days WORK. I’m probably on day 9 of a long ‘nonstop 24 days’ in a row sail…and this is also whilst i’m SINGLE MUMMYING IT. Lol.

I think sometimes people underestimate how hard I work and how much I’m currently juggling, because it’s done with such panache and a wink. I’m not boasting. *Boast Boast.* I’m just…boasting. 🙂 Basically, what I actually mean before I start being a tool, I’m not a complainer. I hate the complainers. I hate it when people can’t see the positive to a situation, or find a solution to a problem. It makes me think they’re thick. I’ll always tell you that i’m fine…because I’M MORE THAN FINE…I’m happy. Yet, i’m not gonna lie…i’m pretty fucking exhausted. 🙂 I’ll give you that! AND a functioning ‘cocktail in a canner.’

You don’t get what you want by sitting on your touche dreaming of better times. It’s about being able to have a positive DREAM and then have the big glitter balls to stand up and actually GO FOR IT, with kahuna strength and Kung Fu kicks to the rear. (Is that even a thing?) Be around the people who uplift you, inspire you. Don’t get into shit relationships, choose a partner who is ‘amazing’ like you…and don’t settle for anything less. Be single until you find that guy or girl. It makes work easier AND your perfect partner wouldn’t even a tin bit get in the wa of your work…they will simply (Yes Vicky, i’m gonna say it) ‘ENHANCE IT.’ I want a ‘LIFE ENHANCER.’

Lots is currently going on in my world that I don’t even know which parts to keep to myself and which parts to tell you. But when i figure it out, I will. I’m busy, really busy. But i’m not SO busy that i an’t make time for the people or the things that I love. Right now, i’m busy because i’m single and i’m doing what i love. Does that make sense? Stay focused but have fun. Remember to love.

In the last week i’ve literally travelled all over constantly and i’ve been in a few different places, doing a few little blogs and it’s working well.

Like I said I had a few hours of on Saturday evening, which i used for being Mum and sleeping…Lol…and then i was up at the crack of dawn to go blog at La Bottega Milanese…then flew to Doncaster to get to Prosecco Pit Stop…whilst meeting my Mum en route to pick up a child (one of my own, not a random one, as that would be weird and jail time) to do my event with me. Worked, worked worked. Then had a tiny bit of sleep, before waking up at the crack of dawn to do my ‘House of Solo’ magazine shoot in Leeds…followed by a quick trip to Manchester, closely whizzed up by a pit stop in Blackpool. (Which i will tell you all about in my next blog.)

After Blackpool, I then got on the last train to Manchester…worked all the way through my journey until my phone DIED on me.( I used my last 1 percent of battery life on sending a video Snapchat to someone. Lol!) Got to Leeds. (Got hit on by the homeless, who thought i was ‘bouji’ because I was carrying a bag full of pink faux furs. I say ‘bouji’,,,but they actually thought i was a prozzie.) Got back to Pontefract. Woke up at six o clock that morning, got both babies ready, did the nursery and school run and got straight into work…early.

This will continue until I have a free day…My entire rest of the week is filled with work…even the entire weekend….

I need to find balance, as without balance you have madness. What do they say? Without ‘punctuation’ you have nonsense. But I just believe that when you want something bad enough, you have to go for it and give it your all, especially when you’re in a position that is now offering you a much clearer road…

I have my Blackpool blog to come this week AND I want to tell you about being a finalist in the UK Blog Awards. I’ve JUST this second done the ‘Blog Hour’  for the UK Blog Awards, which is the most insightful Q&A on Twitter. LOVED READING YOUR REPLIES. My notifications were going crazy and you were all so interactive. I felt impressed and part of such a great community. Did it ALL whilst typing out THIS BLOG, eating a bowl of chicken, getting Baby Junior back in bed and NOT with a wine. *She weeps.*

But yes, a lot going on….Tomorrow i’m gonna try and concentrate on just keeping life simple and being around the people who I have around me every day…I’m gonna TRY and forget about the unnecessarily ‘back of my mind’ stress and as per usual…I’ll ace it with glitter sticks, have a melt down or drink a lot. *Wiggle…Wink.*

Thank you following my life… I mean, it might be busy and a wee bit stressy, yet if anything, i’m in a really fun chapter…and that alone, I super REALLY GRATEFUL FOR!

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