Tuna, Chicks & Bedroom Banter

Mel: ‘I love how you’ve all been sat laughing and joking and spent ya day filled with absolute banter, but as soon as I come out here, to give you five minutes of my precious time, everyone shuts the fuck up, stops talking and starts being all quiet and boring, like they’ve got so much work to do!!’

Thursday was great! It was the most relaxed, easy going, good time kinda day that every kitten needs in their life. No pressure. No drama. Just laughter, banter and hard work. And that hard work that seems so easy because everyone is just having a really good time. I laughed a lot today and it made my soul smile…and GOD I was pathetic and feeling all unloved through half of it, yet when you have great friends, good company and chicks who can take the utter piss out of you for kicks…life is just wonderful. It doesn’t take that much to make someone smile…It’s contagious…and once the happy macarena train starts…it bounces from being to being, until the entire room is filled with glee.

I’m not gonna go through everything that happened through the day, as I want you to just feel it…Instead i’m going to give you snippets of all that was said…

‘Does that say drop arses everywhere?’

‘You’ve spelt my name wrong.’

‘She showed me a hamster, on acid in the meeting…’

‘It was a guinea pig.’

‘I just don’t eat things in tins.’

I’m a veggie now…’

‘You fucking had KFC.’

‘Why is everyone palming me off.’

‘Don’t be jealous because I have a Facebook spiritual advisor and you don’t.’

‘She’s sniffing out the cheese.’

‘Fucking speccy eyed cock.’

‘Why doesn’t he love me!’

‘I don’t have bush! My mum does though!’

‘Honestly how many times can someone say TUNA in the space of 3 minutes.’

‘Yeah we’re on a mate date tomorrow. That’s why she’s getting her hair done.’

‘I love spam.’

‘You’re vile.’

‘I only use *not tested on animals* Body Shop Makeup.’

‘Well i’m pretty sure your bronzer is *tested on animals* MAC’.

‘I love that the advent calendar is fucking upside down.’

‘You’re like my wife AND mistress.’

‘No. I’m not having sex with you.’

‘Stop trying to trick me into a date.’

‘I’ll let you dip it in.’

‘She honestly has a clump for a hand.’

‘We’ll show each other our boobs just to piss you off, cos you’re not there.’

‘I fucking have standards. I sleep with hot girls.’

‘Why do guys always only boast about the HOT ONES they’ve slept with and forget to discuss the munters.’

‘She’s not a fucking empath, she’s a fucking weirdo Chrissie,’

‘Stop being sad now. He does love you. ‘

‘You’re so impulsive you need to stop.’

‘My mojo is on POINT.’

The strangest banter occurred. I mean there was a point where we were just naming all the things a human could possibly make with tuna, simply because Mel had a water infection and bought some from Tescos. Then Hustle Barbie showed me a guinea pig in shades, that definitely looked like it was wankered during an executive power point meeting, which was before she dribbled a banana down her face, which ended up dollop plonking itself, from her tight banana ‘willy’ hand clutch.

There may have also been a moment where in which all the girls LAUGHED OUT LOUD at the fact that we’ve certainly more than 10 times each pretended to love sex when you ‘can’t actually at all feel his willy because it’s so THIN.’ (We’ve all been there girls. 😉  Give them the show.) Don’t have shit willies and if you do, be extremely wonderful in other ways in the sack. I’m in my 30’s…Women in their 30’s are in their actual sexual prime. I own my bedroom time and rock my sheets. As a 20 something I will have pretended you were great. As a 30 something, I take control of my sheet time with a guy. My kingdom. My way! Yet, each one of my chick friends and I at some point in life, on numerous occasions, have pretended sex was great…during sex…because it’s good manners. I did that a lot in LA or when I was young. No one likes bad sex. I hate bad sex now that i’m a grown up. And bad sex comes around more than you think. When you have good sex…keep it.  If looks, personality and actual love comes with it….MAKE IT YOURS FOREVER.

Then some random conversation about sex lists happened…

Who knew that people were organised enough to keep actual lists of how many people they slept with? Lol. Everyone seemed to pop out some sex list that had been written in either biro or text into a phone note section. Lol. I mean GOSH, one of my guy friends had typed in every single girl he had ever slept with, next to a number and the country they were from.

‘When will you ever need that list dude!!!!!!’

‘Well who knows, I could end up with some infection and this way it’s much easier because I can just copy& paste one message to each girl, in one go! Hahaha.’

‘Do they count on the list if you don’t remember actually having sex with them?’

‘You should marry number fifty cos you can’t finish on an odd number. I wouldn’t like that me.’

‘You can be my 48’

‘You can be my 117.’

‘Did you know that the average sex partner number is six.’

‘What! Who the hell has only slept with six people??’

‘Well i’ve only been in two long term relationships. I married the second girl.’

‘As if you’ve actually put their nationality on your list.’

‘You’re so well traveled…sexually.’

‘How many guys have you slept with Wunna?’

 

Now, I don’t keep a list. There ain’t no list happening in Wunna Land. We all know I have stories from my delicious Hollywood youth. But I kinda just keep the in my brain for me to treasure and for you to not ever find out. Lol. I love being a grown up and I love sex, but if i’m going to be honest, I kinda just pleasure myself more than I do anything else these days and I love it. This year, I’ve only slept with one person, The rest of the time…I’ve absolutely rode it solo sexually Lol.

I will tell you though that I don’t judge a girl or guy on any list, simply because I would hate for someone to judge me on mine. 🙂 AND because I’m secure enough to not be bothered about someone’s past, I just look forward to the future. 😉  The future is always way more exciting…and people have different types of chemistry in the bedroom. It just takes that one girl or one guy to sweep you off your feet and like I always say, add true love and you can’t help it….you’re hooked.

It’s almost fricking magical.

I’m done now!

Have fun!

Chrissie x