Well That Went Wrong & Bibles…

What a night. Gosh! There I was thinking all was well. I worked all day. Shimmied through it, as per usual. Thought through new business deals. Talked through life with friends. Enjoyed Soya nuts with newly vegan ‘Hustle Barbie.’ Enjoyed cups of tea with ‘Fairytale.’ Secret giggled with ‘Firmonnell’ about idiocy. Appreciated that I didn’t do finance for a living. Drove home. Chilled a second. Poured a wine. Dashed for cuddles with Ruby and waited the arrival of Junior. (Who spent the day with his Dad.)

Oh gosh!

The arrival of Junior via his Father…Keiran.

You should all know the tale. If you don’t, I’ll fill you in. I’m a single mum of two. Both children have different fathers. I’m not with either gent, however we ALL get on really well and co parent the children better than anyone could EVER co parent. I used to be married to Keiran.

This evening, at around 7pm. Keiran shows up at my doorstep to drop Junior off, who was filled with Mummy love and life. As soon as arrives, he says..

‘I need to come in for a second. I need to speak to you.’

(When this happens, it’s usually something bad.)

‘Don’t worry. It’s not anything bad. Hang on….Ruby, Junior can you both just go into the living for a second, whilst I talk to your mum.’

Junior refuses to. But Ruby just seems to get the score without a moments prompting (almost like she had seen this little shindig happen a million times before,) so she hold hers brother’s hand, whilst she walks him into the living room, and tells him she’s going to read him a story.

So, I’m an open girl and I’ve always made sure whilst raising the kids, that I keep everything with Ruby, Junior and I expressive and open. So I don’t like closed doors, drama and whispers. Especially in my own home. You can’t come into someone elses home and do that. It creates a sense of awkwardness.

Anyway…he begins with…

‘Don’t be alarmed…’

It’s never good when people start with a sentence of sorts. But he explained a situation that I already knew about…so with a warmth, I just smile and say,

‘Yeah, don’t worry. That’s fine.’

(I’m good with the BIG STUFF.)

He thanks me. Everything’s fine. (Awful word is ‘fine,’ as it rarely means dandy.) He seems relived. We’re all smiley. Things are sorted. I expect him to now leave, after the baby drop off…

Then no……..because ofcourse in Wunna Land is EVER that simple.

THEN Keiran decides he’s going to take it upon himself to try to convert me into being a Jehovah’s witness. 🙂 I’ve worked all day. I’m tired. This is my home time with the kids.

Basically….I’m having none of it. My SASS levels rise…I even had my kitten specs on lol….and without going into it all….Here is how it went…

‘Right! What YOU believe, is what YOU believe and i’m fine with that. But what I believe is what I believe and YOU NEED TO BE cool with that. I’m not someone who wants to hear about flipping Jehovah or Armageddon or some juicy little paradise that you think that you’re going to at 7pm at night.

I believe in life and just living it in the now and i’m fine with that. I don’t wish to be weirdly immortal forever. When i’m alive, I’m alive and when i’m dead i’m dead. What matters to me is NOW. I could walk out of this house and get run over by some manic driver and it’ll all be over. Right NOW is what matters to me and right now, I could be spending time with the kids, who I adore, instead of talking about the Bible with you!!

You can’t tell me what will happen to me when I die, because you don’t flipping know.’

‘I do know. It’s the word of GOD.  We need to meet up and do Bible Studies.’

WHAT!!!! Don’t talk shit at me Keiran. When we met in a gym six years ago, you were a completely different person. ANN SUMMERS SPONSORED OUR WEDDING!!!! I don’t try to tell you how to live your life. Don’t push yours on mine. It’s like me trying to tell someone what it’s like to be in the Army, when i’ve never experience BEING in the Army. I can only tell someone what I THINK i know, where you would actually know what its like to be in the Army. Get it???’

 ‘Yes. I completely get it.’

He almost stops…But no…he goes on…

‘Why don’t you wish to be immortal forever… You don’t want to end up in paradise?’

‘WHAT!!! What are you on about! I’M FLIPPIING HAPPY. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I ‘M HAPPY, THE CHILDREN ARE HAPPY AND LET ME TELL YOU…DURING MY LAST SECONDS ON EARTH, I’M NOT GOING TO BE WISH I HAD READ VERSE 43 OF THE FLIPPING BIBLE AM I! I’M GOING TO BEGGING TO SEE MY KIDS FOR ONE LAST TIME!!’

By this point, I was FUMING and he knew it. (It must’ve been the ex wife scowl.) And I never lose my rag. I’m  usually so chilled, I could be laid on a flamingo lilo, floating around a pool, in the sunshine, with my pina colada and a wink. But I lost it with him today. Calmly. But FIRMLY. And i lost it because he kept trying to FORCE me to believe something I didn’t and DON’T believe in. And I understand Keiran better than anyone. I get why he’s where he’s at right now in life..No one in the world is MORE understanding that I am. I don’t judge anyone. I respect him. I respect the beliefs of others. But you don’t come into Wunna land and ….well… you get it.

YOU DON’T NEED A WORD.

I don’t need a Bible study session. God loves me. I’m good with God.

Here’s the moral…..

The moral of the story is to not force people to do things that they don’t wish to do. YET also for you as humans, to always stand by what you believe is morally right. DO life, YOUR WAY.

It’s your version of it.

Respect people for what they believe in. What they stand for. We’re all different and that’s what’s great about us and after the world’s taken a turn, Keiran and i will just go back to ‘happy go lucky’ co parenting again, like it never even happened.  And I like that.

Anyway, he knew it was time to leave…and with smiles galore and a…

‘Please don’t swear Chrissie…Satan will….’

‘If I wanna swear, i’ll swear. I’m not doing Bible studies with you Keiran. I’m not that lost. I’m really busy and right now I just want to spend some time with the children’

He was actually really pleasant about it all…even though he might have eyed up my boobs a little…(Hmmm…not very religious of him) and then he left.

‘I’ll text you.’

I shut the door.

Ruby: ’ I heard all that! Let’s just get into our comfies and watch some telly Mum.’

And just like that…Wunna land refound it’s fabulousity and got back to normal… with a fresh wine pour and a wink!

PS/ Ann Summers did actually sponsor our wedding years ago and our wedding table favours were limited edition delicately wrapped ‘bullets’ and cock rings. Lol. It was all about pleasure. 😉

Then we split up. And weirdly as stories and chapters go….The break up, was the best thing (on both sides) that we could’ve ever done.

 

Life, Marriages & Think They Knows

It’s a funny old thing this life marlarky isn’t it? One minute you can be on the top of the highest mountain ‘star jumping’ to the sound of absolute delight and then all of a sudden, and just like that, The Gods can come and pull that rug from under you and send you off into a spin…a downward spin where you lose your grip.

I’d say i’m quite good at life. I’ve mastered the creative art of it…. In most areas. When I say ‘mastered’ I simply mean that ‘I get it.’ I’m not saying i’m some kind of life champion, I’m just saying that I’m the QUEEN of living my OWN life the way I want to and happily. Even though my love life, seems like it’s been so shit over the years…I can tell you, on the whole, i’ve been quite lucky and been really happy. Happier and luckier than most. It doesn’t seem that way, but I have. Whenever I wasn’t chipper…I changed it, or dealt with it. Made It better. And yeah, there are moments where in which I wish I could ‘moonwalk’ backwards and do things a little differently, simply for closure. Closure that I never received. Yet the fact is that you can’t…so you might as well pull your ankle socks up and get on with it, with a smile. (It doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake…you kinda just have to get on with it. Bad moods, or bad times are really only temporary and people ALWAYS forget that. And yeah I may be coming across as a little ‘Rainbow Brite,’ yet I don’t care because by nature i’m a person who will focus on what is positive about a situation or person, rather than give power to the parts that are negative. Yeah, it can make me look a fool at times. I’ve had my heart and trust broken because of this delicious little manner, a zillion times over. In business and work i’ve trusted people that I shouldn’t have. The shit talkers. J Yet, if you stay true to who you are and stay loyal to what you believe is right…then fuck it….the things or people that ‘stick’ or even more so MAKE THE EFFORT to ‘stick’ are the things and people that are right for you.

(I’m getting this weird flashback of being 24 in LA and running outside in the dark by wheely bins, after an argument with my first husband Mike. It was street lit and the stars were above me. Everything around me was quiet. It wasn’t a big argument. It just felt big at the time. He’d always chase me whenever we fell out, because I would always rush off and leave the room. Only if it was filled with people. It looked to others that ‘the rush off’ was because I was a ‘such a DIVA.’ But really, the ‘rush off’ was always because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. He always knew that. So as soon as I made an exit dash…he would rush after me. I’ll always take myself away from a negative moment or environment in order to find some kind of positive. He stopped me and turned me around, after chasing me down the street shouting ‘CHRISTINA.’ He never called me ‘Chrissie.’ Infact, his only other nicknames for me were ‘Shorty Doo Wop’ or ‘Baby.’ Anyway, he held my wrist gently and said,

‘INTENT is EVERYTHING and I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you. I love you. I’ll make it right. INTENT is EVERYTHING CHRISTINA, EVERYTHING. Just stop, a second. Don’t forget who I am!!!!’

It sounds weird him saying that, I know. Lol. Yet this argument was at a time when we were both newly doing very well in our careers, he was on a big US TV show, money and ego has been pouring in and what he meant, or what he needed me to remember in that time, was who he was, on the day we first met, in that acting class….when life was really simple. We were so innocent and he was so happy because we’d been put in the same group. He turned around and whispered to his best friend Tyler, who had come from New York with him and said…on that day…’I’m gonna marry that girl.’ I remembered and he knew that I’d remember. So when I stopped dashing….I just stopped….and just like that…we were okay. Later down the line, we weren’t okay. No one knows why but him and I. Everyone thought they knew why. But they didn’t. Everyone said they knew why…but they didn’t. Neither him and I to this day, ever told anyone why, because we respect one another. Everyone made fun of that time, like it was ‘blip’ of a little marriage…that only lasted around a year. When the truth is, what you saw only lasted a year…it went on for 4 more years behind closed doors. It only ended because I suddenly had to move to England. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t have chance. Everything was just so quick….He thought I had just changed my number. It was a really traumatic time, that he never forgave me for. We’re ten years on from that time now….Completely different people, with completely different lives, both a success in our own rights. We live in different parts of the world. We’re both the happy with the paths that we chose. The time we were both together was simply a life a chapter. A ten years ago chapter. I learnt, no…we learnt…a lot from one another, in that time. And the best thing about it ALL, is that we could both be in the same room, full of people, look back and with blissful memories, laugh and take the piss out of that time! One of the greatest things about Mike, is that even though he’ll secretly flashback the bad bits, to me he’ll only ever remind me of the good bits.

‘Remember that time, when you came to New York and you were stood shouting outside the bakery at 3am because you needed more bread and I gave you that twig as a gift because I couldn’t afford anything else.’ )

As if i went on that big a tangent.  I’m hormonal right now. I’ll blame the hormones. Just go with it….Where were we? Oh yeah…life…

More than anything, yeah I’d say I’ve lived and it’s all been a very colourful time, with people ‘oohing’ and ‘arring’ at me. (And that doesn’t bother me because at least i’m not DULL. At least i’ve lived some kind of life where in which people have had the chance to ‘ooh’ and ‘arr’ at me, which is what I wanted and therefore it has made me happy. Life is about being happy. Like ‘Diddy’ said, ‘Happy is the new rich.’

But don’t be dull.

Nothing is WORSE TO ME, THAN PEOPLE WHO CAN’T STOP BEING DULL. You know who you are! Don’t do it to me. It gives me a rash. Whenever, I see dull humans, it makes me feel as though they have no grasp of the art of living. And when I say don’t be dull, I don’t mean you need to be hurtling yourself off a cliff on a bungee rope for insta likes. That can still be dull, if you’re dull. It can be anything, from those that daren’t speak their mind. Those that let people walk all over them. Those that can’t stand up for what they believe is right. Or those that try to be ‘goody goody’ and judge others for being fun. AWWWWWWWWWWW! Don’t be dull. Lighten up. It’s the worst.

Know that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. You’re certainly one decision away from a completely differently life…They are quotes that I’ve read that I believe. So, no matter what, even though there is magic in the air, you are ALWAYS in control…..and if I hate anything, I hate a loss of control. You’ll never find me doing anything, that I do not have a handle on. Even as a child I was that way inclined.

Right now, i’ll tell you, that my life feels so filled up. I can’t find space to relax. I can’t find time to do the things I want to do. Just a moment of silence. Just me. Just ‘sshh.’ The kids have put ‘Wannabe’ on repeat, which is sounding out the upstairs of Wunna land, like it’s some kind of 90’s disco. I’m surrounded by people constantly that aren’t relaxing me! Lol. Everyone constantly wants me to do things for them. And I don’t want anyone to come near me unless they’re either going to massage me, deliver good news, love me or peacefully pour me a prosecco.

Tomorrow…will be a good day. I need a chill before it all gets busy.

I have a shoot to organize, infact THREE to organise, an advert to film, a book to write, four auditions to go to….and i’m meant to be in London next week but I just can’t find the time to get there.

Everything will be okay right? Everything will be okay….

Love Squeaks, Glamourous Charity Bags & Life

If you ever make a girl *squeak* you have made her happy.

Now, when I say *squeak,* I don’t mean a *squeak* for no real reason. Nor do I mean, a *squeak* out of shock, surprise or when someone squeezes your love handles without your consent. I don’t even mean it muckily…not that mouse noises are really a speciality in the bedroom for most.

When I say *squeak* I mean the moment where in which an adoring guy, tells an adoring girl something and it makes her SO happy, that it fills her entire soul with love and excitement, SO much to the point that in a split second, her world becomes a swirl, her emotions swizzle all the way up her body, and an uncontrollable, yet innocent euphoric moment of ‘happy dance’ occurs and *squeak*…There you have it….she beams.

I looked to my left today and watched ‘Firmonnell’ *squeak* and it kinda made me smile, as watching people during those moments makes the moment ‘live.’ It’s contagious. She was on the phone to ‘Big D’and he totally made her *squeak.* So gents, you know, if you ever make a girl happy, it’s that moment where her heart skips a beat, her hands delicately fist up and crunch against her mouth, her eyes smile because they can’t help it and she *squeaks* with simple excitement. I told you…it made me smile. (Even though I annoyed her all the way through the phone call.)

‘What’s he saying? What is it? Tell me NOW! No honestly..what??’

It made me notice that I haven’t *squeaked* over a boy in ages. Work, excitement and achievements have made me *squeak,* MORE than *squeak,*  yet it’d be nice to have some other chick, look to her left, whilst i’m on the phone to someone who adores me…and have her notice my *squeak* with smiles. 🙂

I’ve had a really busy day, but a great day! Again! I couldn’t be a happier being right now. I’m beaming and you can see it in my strut and my smile. Everything is slotting into place, as i’ve got it now, I have my balance and system SORTED.

Work is fabulous. Home life with the babies is a wonder. I’m emotional this week and definitely must be getting my period soon. (I think all my chick friends are. We must all be on the same cycle, as I noticed today that we were ALL on a very unglamourous HUNT for substance, in what we call the ‘FILTH DRAWER.’ The ‘Filth Drawer’ contains forbidden chick goodies, like sugary delights, sweets, chocolate, carbs, biscuits…you name it. It’s good dirty filth. It never ends, until the drawer is depleted of goodies. You couldn’t get us OUT of that fucking drawer today. 🙂 It was like it was filled with 100 dollar bills, diamonds and marriage proposals in it. Lol.)

But my day has just been getting better and better! I mean to say it started of shit at 7am, whilst Keiran (Junior’s Dad) came to pick the littlest up and decided to moan at me because ‘I’m a woman’ and I don’t know how to appropriately De Ice a car. *I roll my eyes.*

I shouted at him because he was lingering and I was in a rush. I had places I needed to be and school runs before that.

‘What? I’m just trying to be helpful??? I’m sorry you’ve taken it that way.’

‘I don’t think just being stood there, doing nothing and simply being critical is the art of being helpful.’ (Add Wunna scowl here.)

Surely being helpful involves helping? Lol. Don’t stand there and moan at someone because you know a better route to success, yet without you being bothered to help.

I De Iced my car MY WAY. I got in it. I dashed off with a pout, a hair toss and  with my glammy first born in tow. SO THERE. 🙂

Yet, from that point on….my day turned wonderful. 🙂 Yes, again..it was BUSY. Yes, again…felt a little nagged by naggers. (I don’t like naggy folk, they give me a rash. I’m focused, yet laid back and find naggy types ungraceful.

Chill. Listen. Get it sorted. Boss it out. Then smile. Peace

However, anyway, I ended up leaving the office today with a giant white plastic bag with Leukemia Care printed on it in red,

‘I don’t know why I gave you a Leukemia bag, as I don’t know anyone with Leukemia,’ said ‘Double B.’ Lol

(She was super tanned today and rocked the top knot once more. She got confused by South Africans and still doesn’t know how to spell ‘poach.’ However today she gifted me with an ENTIRE STACK LOAD OF Ah i just don’t want them House of CB dresses to wear..

‘Well they’re better for you to wear and get papped in, then me to wear in Wakey. If you don’t like them just bin’em.

What?? Now, you always have to becareful with ‘Double B’ as her warped sense of judgment can get the better of her. (‘Firmonnel, Fairytale Blond, Hot Sarah’ and I were all super skeptical over a cup of tea that she was potentially going to make, earlier on in the day)

But once I got home and had a peek in my Leukemia bag…What I literally FOUND was the MOST AMAZING House of CB dress choices, IN THE WORLD EVER. And i’m not even joking.

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It was literally every single dress choice that I would’ve picked. Sequins, and lace, dark green, pink and boobie sexiness. In fact, I already own one of them…so now I have two. *COULDN’T BE HAPPIER.* As if she was going to take them to the tip. As if she just gave them to me, to give them a glitzier life. Lol. As if they came in a leukemia bag, like they were ill. Haha.

‘There’s £100 dresses in there that I haven’t worn…you can have them… I’m having a clear out..’

WHAT?

Utterly the sweetest chica ever…Under layers of orange tan. (Thank you 🙂  I loves you mucho! (I honetsly have the greatest chick friends! They buy we flowers, cakes with my own face on, booze, bake me cottage pies, gift with me leukemia bags filled with House of CB dresses! Your ‘300 days of the year’ friends are  shit in comparison to mine. Lol.)

Then to top it all off, when I first arrived home, I had a postman card wedged through my letter box,

‘Parcel left with neighbour at 17.’

So, I leave Ruby inside at door step, to beable to peek at me, yet mainly to make sure she’s safe and warm and then I totter off to number 17, which was only 2 doors away (I make it sound like i’m off on an adventure) in my *clippety cloppety* heels and giant grey and black faux fur. I ‘Catwalked’ it there.

I ring the door bell, wait and a tiny, little, grey haired granny, with the warmest smile and green pinny on looks up at me, with my parcel in her hand. Awwww!

I thank her ever so graciously, she makes sure I know that it was ‘no problem at all Chrissie,’ and I saunter back with the funnest baby pink and black, package known to mankind? It was filled with ‘Girl Power’ quotes saying things like ‘Girl Gang’ and ‘Boys are shit.’… LOL…and well…

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…there was a note….

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Surely I’m not so lucky to get TWO surprise girly parcels in ONE DAY! AND ON A TUESDAY! Nothing fun ever happens on a Tuesday!!

But yes…My little Missy Empire treats arrived on my door step today! Can’t wait to show you want Wunnaland ordered! 🙂 I think they deserve a weekend debut!

Inbetween the ‘Double B’ gift bag of House of CB and the Missy Empire door step knocks was a moment…and it was a moment where in which Ruby and I simply sat across a table from one another in a restaurant having a casual dinner…Nothing big, nothing fancy…but just special. The one on one time that I have with both bambinos matters to them massively. Ruby was filled with glee and I just watched her..I wondered with warmth what she would be like as a 20 year old, what she would become, who would she date, what job would she had. It was the first time I really looked at her and saw just how grown she was becoming.

She saw me glaring at her and cheekily said,

You know…I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.’ 🙂 

‘That’s strange, because I KNOW YOU’RE the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.’ 🙂 

‘I love you Mum.’ 

‘I love you Baby.’

‘Mum…we’re all living different worlds, but doing it in one big world.’

As if that came out of my five year old! I was so proud! How amazing! It made me quietly and internally *squeak.* 🙂

Then we ate sweet potato fries and giggled the night away.

Now if you were to slowly zoom up and away from us, until we were only tiny little *dots,* on this BIG GIANT Earth ball, surrounded by zillions of other tiny little dots…ALL doing life…Living ‘Our world’ in one ‘big world.’

Tonight you’d see that  we were the HAPPIEST TINY DOTS in the ENTIRE Glittery Universe.

Y’know, right now, I feel like the luckiest person alive 🙂 and it’s not even down to me, it’s simply down to the people that I’m accidentally surrounded by. It’s funny how  your surroundings can completely change your *beam.* If you do anything after reading this blog, make sure you try to make someone *squeak.*

Love you,

Chrissie