Friendship, Fights & The Backroom Leeds

Just the most amazing time in the city last night. I cherished, good times. No! Great times…with the people who I will always regard as my absolute closest . (Until I’m a superstar and never speak to them again. 😉 We’re like family and I’ve honestly had a great 2017 because of them.

I love the little swines and i’m really really lucky. I mean, not many people, in my position or way of life have a close bundle of friends, that the can trust and rely on. I do! We’re all really different from one another, yet each add a certain spice to the pot. If you have a problemo, a secret, a love….you’ll know which friend in the group to turn to…and in their own magical way, over cocktails, a cuddle, a whatsapp message, a warm dinner, a new set of heels, or a tissue….they’ll be right by your side, picking up the pieces.

I’m currently in Ego, Ackworth, sat infront of a huge mirror, with a half of Fosters, writing this blog….

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I adore a good mirror seat. One where it looks like I have my back to you, but I can see EVERYTHING.  My vanity gets the better of me. Yes. I’ll admit that. However, I also love the stories that mirrors tell. I’ve watched women with party hats and light up Christmas jumpers wander behind me. Business men. Families. Lone Rangers with quiet pints. Grown adults in weird Elf hats. Girls all a gossiping. And awkward humans on first dates. I love a mirror in the midst of a ‘busy bustle.’ It’s always so magical. Always so glamourous.

But anyway, last night I was out in the city…

As the story goes, the day turned to night. I had had a somewhat stressful day of ‘rushy.’ I HATE RUSHING. I’m a glamour puss. I do things in my own manner, with my own panache and at my own pacing. Not yesterday though. Fuck. I dashed to three cities, running errands, doing meetings, making sure Ruby & Junior were enjoying every inch of their Christmas holidays. I had a deadline. I needed to be ready. Then after the fastest totter, a warm bath, placing my phone on charge and a slip into my silver sequinned dress from the Kourtney Kardashian line for Pretty Little Thing….I dashed out the door, twinkled through the night sky, jumped in a taxi..

Driver: ‘I’m sure I’ve driven you around before. I remember your voice.’

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And Whatsapped ‘Double B’ with a…

‘I’m 3 mins away from yours…’

We drank wine out the bottle, all the way to ‘Firmonnells,’

Double B: ‘How many people do you reckon you’ve slept with?’

Me: ‘Why are they like cardboard cut outs?’

Double B: ‘They’re just Vanilla..’

(I once referred to one of my exes as ‘vanilla.’ He was in a boyband and I’d just come off a tv show for ITV2.  To this day he says I apparently broke his heart? However, surely if you say ‘I don’t want us to be together anymore Chrissie because I’m gay’ that would mean that no hearts were broken in the process. Well, maybe my heart? 😉

He said he loved me madly, yet never messaged me when we broke up because he didn’t know what to say. I just took that as ‘oh he doesn’t care’ and I was fine with that. You can’t MAKE someone love you. You can MAKE someone care about you. Yet ‘true love’ is a whole different potion. If they feel you in their spirit….they will always find their way back to you.

Yiddley Doooooooo!

Anyway, Double B and I apologized to the driver for making him listen to our sexy girl banter AAALLLLLL the way to ‘Firmonnells.’ Yet he assured us he LOVED IT.

Driver: ‘It’s made my night girls.’

We were joined by ‘Fairytale Blond’ and a bit of ‘Mama Sally.’ We did wee’s, drank prosecco, borrowed jackets, exchanged gold clutches and found ourselves on our way to Leeds city centre…our city….yet via THE SINGLE MOST AMAZING train station ever. I’ve never travelled from Garforth before. THEY SERVED BOTTLE PROSECCO, IN BOUJI PLASTIC CHAMPAGNE FLUTES, THROUGH A WINDOW ON THE ACTUAL PLATFORM!!! I know!!! It’s absolute BLISS! All you have to do is buy a bag of crisps with it (because you are only allowed booze with food) and you’re plain sailing and en route to Leeds, with a happy prosecco jiggle.

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With our drinks, in our dresses, with our heels in place and whilst the girls decided to MAKE FUN of my WONDERFUL peacock phone cover.

Double B: ‘What the fuck is that!!’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s fucking horrible.’

Me: ‘SHUT UP! The loveliest phone man gave it to me FOR FREE today, for a selfie, you dicks! I love it!!’

(It’s a golden peacock with diamante studs and multi coloured gems scattered throughout its tail. Lol I actually really do LOVE IT. They despise it and think it looks tacky, because they’re ‘haters’ and can’t handle my glamourisms. They even made a guy on the train tell me that he hated it too! Haha! What dicks)

Anyway within a second we pulled into Leeds, they’re all running like wild women to meet the rest of the group, and i’m trying to catch up, as i’m spilling my prosecco all over me and some guy in a hat with chatting to me about…can’t even remember really? If Santa was a chimney sweeper, it would be him. He was lovely!

Long story short. All met up at a train station bar…who wouldn’t let everyone in because they had reached capacity. It was THAT BUSY. The rest of the girls joined the group and the boys joined us also. Then through the busy city streets, we all walked up ‘hand in hand’ to Backroom Leeds, as ‘Firmonnell’ and I tried to decide if we were actually lesbians?

Me: ‘But I really DO fancy Ellen Degeneres.’

Firmonnell: ‘But what about when you need a penis in you after they’ve…’

The Backroom was great! It’s a small decadent, ‘speakeasy’ bar on Call Lane. Plays the best music. Has a private outdoor terrace. And we had the whole downstairs floor/bar, to ourselves, as our own. It was just for us, our whole group and that was that.

The night was AMAZING.

Slowly but surely, everyone we knew trickled in, piece by piece, a wink at time, the boys in shirts, the girls in short dresses and heels. We love to glam it up…so each ‘trickle’ was dressed to the nines, straight to the bar and with ‘good time’ glint in their eyes. It’s always great when it’s just us, because anything goes, no one will judge and we can all pretty much surrender to the art of celebrating life, the year and friendship….. in the most pissed fashion, forget to eat the yummiest finger food and with all the free drinks that our tokens will allow us.

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We danced, we flirted, we booty popped, we ‘dutty wined,’ we let loose, we turned wild, we snapchatted, we kissy cheeked, we all thought we were sexier than we probably were and we DRANK….we fucking DRANK! Hustle Barbie fell on the floor AGAIN…took ‘Fairytale’ and ‘Double B’ with her. Lol

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Hustle Barbie: ‘It’s my new thing.’

Cuddles and kisses and sequins and hip hop tracks.

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Mood lighting, shots, hair tosses and fresh air terraces.

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Gossips, lies, drama and whispers….

At one point i think my whole entire top fell down for a second, due my excessive booty dance routine. I have no booty, so I have to really work at the back shimmie. Caused boobies to fall out because my dress was too big…Nobody cared. They loved it.

Me: ‘What! It’s because i’m a VEGGIE NOW. I’ve lost weight, but it’s come off my FLIPPING BOOBS!’

Webbo & Jonsez & Dipper & New Boys! They were all really lucky, because we chicas has already hit ‘good time’ and wine bottles, so like props we used the boys for flirts and dance floor swizzles. Hot new faces kept appearing out of nowhere. I backed up and a hot face was behind me. I walked forward and another new hot face greeted me. I even got a cheeky bum grab. (I love a bum grab at 30 something. It’s naughty. It’s fun. It’s a good way to get me to notice you….and he was REALLY HOT. Super handsome.)

Lots of ‘Hollyoaks’ style drama occurred last night. It went from whisper to whisper, to confrontations, to verbal fights. It went from learnt lessons, to hearts breaking, to no judgements and personality clashes. It went from stories told, to secrets revealed and tests of friendships and truth telling.

‘You can sleep with who you want to sleep with. I don’t give a shit! Own it.’

‘Why is she blanking me. I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘This is ridiculous!’

‘Yeah…I already knew that. We all did!’

‘I just love her and I don’t stand a fucking chance.’

‘Just stay away from me. Don’t come near me. What do you think you’re…’

‘Who told you that??’

‘You need to man up…’

‘You else do you fancy?’

‘He’s done now…’

‘I’m leaving. This is fucked up.’

‘If she comes up to me again, whilst i’m trying to talk to you…I’m gonna..’

‘Don’t judge people on shit…Whocares..’

‘I can’t deal with this. Do you want a shot?’

‘She won’t even speak to me now.’

‘I don’t care what you’ve done…’

‘You’re beautiful. Am I stalking you?’

‘This is the last time i’ve ever going to get to dance with you…’

‘You’re new. You’re hot. Are you on Insta?’

‘Who does she think she is!!!’

‘How is this ALL MY FUCKING FAULT.’

[Echo….Echo…Echo….Echo….]

*STOP*

And even though all of the snippets above occurred, this is what I noticed…I noticed that  every single one of us were close. That every single one of us chose to prioritise ‘good times’ over drama. We danced, we laughed, we gave zero fucks. I noticed that in the end, enjoying our friendships with each other, is what we chose to make matter…and THAT is what makes us a family. (Moderately dysfunctional…but s….we’re fly. 😉 )

The clock struck 3am. Time flew by us. We didn’t even realise how fast it has flown!

‘AS IF IT’S 3AM!!! WTF!’

‘Don’t leave…come back..’

‘Come to Fibre with me…’

‘Get in my Uber.’

‘Don’t leave me..’

I had stayed in the private section at Backroom ALL NIGHT, so I didn’t actually realise how busy the place has got upstairs. I walked up to the open air terrace holding Double B’s hand…and it was RAMMED. It was MENTAL.

A guy stopped me with a,

‘Are you Chrissie Wooonaaa?’

‘Yeah…yeah…why?’

‘Do you remember me…?’

‘Jake?’

(I didn’t know if it was Jake… 🙂 )

Yet the crowd took us into different directions and as I sat on the terrace, chatting to ‘Double B,’ under the night stars…(I’m doing a lot of the night stars of recent, aren’t I..)

I watched Jonesez look at me, with all the heartbreak of the world in his eyes…as he stood up off, from the side of the terrace and walked away slowly, with his head all a muddle….

It snowed today…which means there’s magic in the air….

All I know about life is that there are MORE UPS, than there are downs. More GOOD TIMES, than there are bad. And that ANYTHING can happen in a moments wink of an eye….Dreams come true. Life is only has hard as you make it.

It’s the ones of us who can ‘surf that crest.’ The ones of us who stand by what we love and believe is right, for OUR OWN VERSION of existence that get the most out of the world and what’s on offer.

I’ll remember these people for the rest of my life….

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In FIVE DAYS….FOR ME…..

EVERYTHING CHANGES…..

Chrissie x

 

We’ve Made It To Thursday….

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I’m feeling great! I mean there is STILL part of my life that is lulling in the ‘dull ‘ zone, however soon that ‘grey’ will be dashingly done and dusted. The rest of my life is ‘ooh laa.’ It’s magical.

Right….Many great things are happening to me right now and I can’t even believe it. My friends can’t even believe it.

Firmonnell: ‘I cannot actually believe that you’re going to be doing that! Lol.’

Me: ‘I know, it’s CRAZY.’

I guess opportunity has come a knocking and it’s certainly come threefold. Opportunity didn’t use to knock. I’d chase and chase and it still never knocked. For some reason now…it’s not only knocking, but i have a ‘bell’ that buzzes you straight into Wunna Land with automatic glitter doors, as big beefy security jiggles through the masses to pick the best pieces to the ‘Chrissie Wunna’ jigsaw.

I’d like to say it was luck, but to be fair, i’ve worked really hard, not as hard as I could’ve done, but come the New Year, i’ll now have that time to smash it. Work hard for what you want. It happens. And girls…please don’t feel downtrodden by others…be it men, life, the way you look etc..Normal chick issues. You can do anything. You really can. I am living proof of that. If i could empower every women in the entire  world, i’d be a happiest glamour puss in all of the land.

At the same time as hard work, I’m a big believer in fate. You get what you’re meant to get. You miss out on the things that aren’t right for you. You learn lessons along the way. No meeting is ever worthless. You encounter and cross paths with the people you’re supposed to. And If something’s meant to be, it will always come to you, or find its way back to you.

HOWEVER, if you don’t try to pursue the things that make you feel magical in life, then you’ll never get anywhere. You’ll always find yourself sat in your ‘why am I here’ rut. I’m Wunna Land. That’s not how I play drinking games. 🙂 A fire doesn’t start without a spark. And if anyone can spark a ‘gusto’ it’s moi!

Feel empowered. Be excited. Only do the things that you LOVE. Take the reins of your existence and shimmie it with everything that you stand for. Be the very best version of YOU.

A guy stopped me yesterday, as I was walking down a top flight of stairs with a Pot Noodle in my hand. (It was beef and tomato.) He’s Geordie, he tells ‘grandad’ type jokes and dresses up as 101 Dalmations at parties. Anyway, he stopped me and simply said,

‘The only thing that dissolves fear is ACTION. There’s something about you Chrissie. Something tells me you’re gonna be in a great place and never look back.’

Me: ‘Yeah. I’m not scared. I’m ready now. I actually feel held back.’

He smiled, like he was proud…and then I tottered off to eat my Pot Noodle. Yippeee!

Around Wunna Land, other shit was happening. ‘Hustle Barbie’ had decided to send suggestive messages to girls, from our guy friend Jonesez. She never learns that you don’t prank Jonesez because he lives for revenge and his excitement for it, is hardly ever punctuated. He don’t give no ‘hoot in hell.’ Bottom line…you’re fucked. So as she sat all smuggly, with her ‘i’ve sent messages’ head up in the air. He went to her car and smeared moisturiser all over the door handle of her car. She thought it was bird poo. I watched the snapchat an thought it was hummous….and what is honestly worst than innocently trying to get into your car and having your hand dolloped and smeared in a gooey, unknown substance. I’m a germaphobe, so to me…that is devastating. Hustle Barbie’s a vegan…She just got on with life.

I’m getting loads of love from ‘da ladies’ right now. My inbox is usually filled with messages from gentleman, who fancy their chances at adoring a glamour puss. Lol. Right now and because i’ve recently done one f the most uplifting interviews, that you’ll all see shortly, I have a jolly…if jolly meant ‘sexy’ bundle of chick ‘yahoos.’ Girls are naughty. Some have gone beyond the ‘you’re such a queen, I love you.’ To ‘I can’t even tell you what i want to do to you. *Devil face emoji.*

It’s hot. I love it. And it’s all because I said, that my Girl Crush (and if you know me or read this blog, you should  already know) that my GIRL rush is ELLEN DEGENERES. No one loves this women more than me…and I do mean sexually and not just in a ‘fan girl, oh yeah she’s funny’ kinda way. I need Ellen in my life! She’s my perfect woman.

Obviously….I’m straight. (I have an unfortunate and somewhat colourful history that pin points this. I’ve romanced a lot of gentleman. 😉 ) Yet. OH MY GOD, I properly fancy Ellen Degeneres with even inch of my heart and loins…that I don’t think that I could live without stalking her Instagram, every second. J This crush hasn’t recently occurred. This crush occurred in my mid 20’s whilst I was living in LA.

The quote from my interview, which comes out shortly is…

‘I could meet any guy in the entire world and not feel a single piece of the nerves. If I meet Ellen Degeneres. Like she was just right there infront of me, I might possibly DIE and then try and snog her after cocktails.’

Now, cos they do….all my real life chick friends are trying to steal my crush.

Hustle Barbie: ‘I think i’ve stolen your girl crush.’

(Then she posts a screenshot that tells me how Vegan Ellen Degeneres is. Do know that ‘Hustle’ has gone from ‘I really fancy a sausage sandwich to the absolute height of VEGANISM. She’s recruiting. Be warned.)

So yeah, now she fancies my Girl Crush, because my girls crush doesn’t eat animals in any way shape or form.

Hustle Barbie: ‘She’s mine now.’

Me: ‘I will only become a Vegan if Ellen tells me to. Back of Blondy, she loves me not you. Lesbians love me, even though I eat bacon.’

Me to Firmonnell: ‘Hustle is trying to steal my girl crush. Ellen’s vegan.’

Firmonnell: ‘Ha..ha..Does she fancy ALL vegans now????’

It’s weird how when we love something we try and make everyone else love it to. Hustle with her ‘don’t eat meat’ club. Me with my ‘Live life like you have nothing to lose’ thing. Keiran with his ‘I follow Jehovah….now you should too.’ All the girls with ‘Let’s go to the gym and eat healthy.’  It must be passion, or this sincere need to be *pom pommed* onto a more positive path.

Junior was so cute last night. he wanted to sleep in my bed with me, because he missed me when he went to his Dad’s.

‘Mum, i really need a snuggly something.’

‘I don’t have your blankey.’

‘I REALLY NEED A BLANKEY. Get me one of your jumpers. A snuggly one, that smells like you.’

I produced my thin peach jumper, the one that has a swan on it. I’d just chucked it in my wardrobe so it radiated a mummy glow.

He rolled it up into a ball and with utter bliss in his eyes, cuddled it like his life was now complete!

Why can’t all guys be like they were when they’re young and still adorable??

Saying that my first husband used to do the same. I was living in LA working. He’s an actor, but was living in New York at the time, before he was making his move to LA. We were  moving in together, and had just met. During that time, we had to be apart. It wasn’t bad at all really. We were fine. I’m used to living apart from my counter male. Schedules, careers and busy times usually prevail. Anyway, he’d always grab an item of my clothing, like a tshirt or a nighty and take it with him, to sleep with, whenever he left to be back in New York? (I’ve just made that sound creepy. But it was actually really innocent. Hahaha.)

Anyway, I’m off. I have a really exciting next couple of weeks, where i’ll be meeting some amazing faces, who will tinker into Wunna Land. I’m going to be in Leeds, London and then Liverpool.

I’m working all day, but my next thing is tomorrow.

Tomorrow i’m be celebrating with Candy Mechanics at Trinity Leeds, as they magically turn me into a chocolate lollipop. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to be there. It’s the big old live launch, for the ever so magical pop up stall that will open in Leeds later

Love Lists, Glamour Pussing & Does Size Matter?

Things are wonderful!

Monday was *chocca..blocked* with work. It was a busy one and there were no fruity cocktails in sight. You could’ve kicked me and a bundle of ‘to do’ lists, would’ve fallen out of my system and you know things are crazy when life throws you that ‘non juicy’ bone. As SURELY when people kick me, only fruity frizzles of Martini, *squirts* out of me. No such luck.

Right now i’m hopeful. I’m working hard and with my fingers crossed…I don’t expect anything, I just hope for the best really. I hope I get sent a whole bunch of luck, to go with my whole bunch of hard work and a whole jolly bunch of decent peoples, to man the Wunna Land fort. Something tells me that my next year is going to be great! I’m lucky. I’m really lucky. Please make it be great…Or this blog posts makes me look foolish. 😉

Today, I’m gonna talk about the art of PONDERING.

I’m a doer, not a ponderer. I make decision FAST. Good ones. People waste a lot of time on the simple art of pondering, don’t they? I used to. I don’t any more. I’m a grown up now.  Sometimes we ponder far too much about the things we can’t AT ALL control. You can’t control them. It’s not like you don’t know that? You do and try to anyway. Don’t waste that energy. It’s always what you DO that matters. And further from that, it’s all about how much IMPACT you MAKE from that little piece of ‘doing.’

I’m the kinda girl who will do everything I CAN, I’m a positive person on all levels, but THEN I’ll leave the rest to that good old ‘life magic.’ I believe in fate and destiny. You’ll end up where you’re meant to be. For me, these days, life usually goes great, but when it doesn’t, I just slip on a different set of stilettos and dolly march forward. When you can quick change your heels and still strut forward with a whole heart and a gallop, you’ve got it!

I spent the day with ‘The Girls’ yesterday. (As in my chick friends…not my bosoms. I spend enough time with my chest and let’s face it, they’ve served me well in the past. Lol)

Little Innocent ‘FairyTale Blond’ couldn’t have been more little and innocent yesterday. Everything from trapping fingers, seeing how fast she could run down the stairs, eating fruit, making fairytale cups of tea and hopeful Disney Love occurred in her world. ‘Double B’ strutted in with her Sasserilla scowl, her weave, her bag flung over her ‘had sex last night’ shoulder and with a hangover that could… AND DID… give her tonsillitis today. (She was absent from Wunna land adventures this Tuesday. I knew she should’ve have had sex. Something always goes wrong.)

Mel had decided that her body was so smart, that during the Winter months, it naturally knew how to create an extra layer of warmth, that was made via the fine art of eating things out of the ‘filth drawer.’ (Which she can now do, as she’s a proper full fledge gym goer now and loves it. She also found a dead rat, on the tip of her leopard print shoe, whilst she crossed a road in Doncaster.) Hustle Barbie is still a Vegan and shouting at Jonsez over mangoes. Firmonell sent me a love song, about Chinese people and stated that she was really good at pretending to be a Lesbian. Lady Shizzle definitely agreed that ‘five inches’ was not a good ‘willy size’ and considered being an alcoholic…

Shizzle: ‘Five is SMALL. Six or Seven Inches is AVERAGE. Eight or Nine is BIG.’

Me: ‘Anything else is…pointless.’

Then we went through our personal lists of what our DREAM MAN or partner requirements were. Again..for no real reason. It’s just for kicks innit. 😉 Love being a girl! I’m not gonna say who said what…But here are some snippets of our convo…

‘Stylish…they’ve got to be stylish.’

‘You can give them style!’

‘No you can’t!’

‘Funny. I love funny.’

‘Sexy IS SO IMPORTANT.’

‘They’ve GOT TO BE GOOD AT SEX! I hate bad sex.’

‘Rich.’

‘Rich isn’t on my list.’

‘Rich is on MY LIST!’

‘Oooh no…you’re wrong. Attractive. Handsome.’

‘I like good teeth.’

‘I just like kind.’

‘Generous. It’s alright saying rich, but if they’re tight…’

‘Good manners. A gentleman.’

‘As long as i’m not repulsed by them then i’m okay.’

I was actually JUST telling my guy friend about the above conversation and he was astonished at the fact that not ONE OF US, mentioned ‘Loving, faithful, loyal or respectful.’

We didn’t mention any of the above, because WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO MENTION ANY OF THE ABOVE, it should go without saying. OBVIOUSLY, we’d expect anyone we’re with, or dating… to naturally come to us with a bundle of loyalty, love and respect. Surely they’re not things that boyfriends, husbands or potential partners, or even girlfriends, and wives should need to TRY TO BE. We’re women not kids. Our fun personal lists, were just for bonus points. (Ooh. I need to add ‘Hero’ onto mine. I love a Hero. Can’t believe I forgot that.)

I can’t remember what else I was gonna tell you now?

I’ve got a lot of organizing to do, so i’ve got to get going.

Thank you for following my life.

The amount of you, all over the world, reading this, is crazy and let me tell you, I couldn’t be more grateful. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.THANK YOU.

FYI/ Nothing topped my weekend off than Miss Gemma Collins, falling through a hole, on a stage, that delivered Love Island cast members, at some Radio 1 TV Awards thingy. Lol. OH my GOD. HOW I LOVE ‘THE G.C.’ She stole the show. She’s literally the funniest girl on British TV right now. And yeah, it’s such an awful thing to have happen and I hope she’s not hurt, but GOSH, she filled us ALL UP with sincere laughter and good vibes. She took it like a champ! (Definitely heard that she’s suing them now. 🙂 )

 

 

Life, Auditions & Guys….

So busy! So much work. But loving every minute of it. I have grumpy moments. Yet i’m shaking them off. Life’s too short to play silly sorts. If i’m being honest, it’s crazy how everything’s just changing for me work wise. I’ve hustled really hard for a really long time and i’m still at it…tinkering away. (I worked all day yesterday, took care of Ruby and Junior and then filmed an audition, before getting to up at five o clock this morning to work some more.) I’ve got my fingers crossed and all the hope in the world. God, I have all the hope in the world. There’s a glint in my kitten eyes. Yet something tells me that this time, it’s all going to be dandy.  It FEELS really good! Everything in life is all about how you FEEL and right now, i feel on top of the world. I’m smashing it. As a guy used to always say to me…

‘You’re on flames babe.’

I breathe out all the time, in disbelief because I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But i’m getting there. I’m en route…I just need to focus and put some fire crackers in my frilles. 🙂

Anyway, even away from Wunna Land, so much is going on in the world. We all know that. But i’m someone who will always focus on the good and never give power to the bad. My soul is far too delicious waste my time on any negativity. So like I said in my last blog, it’s a great time to be a WOMAN. A ‘W.O.M.A.N’  (*Sassy* click here.) Feel powerful. There are so reasons for you to be happy. So own your womanhood.

I mean with everything that has come out about the Harvey Weinstein drama and all the women and men who have opened up about their own personal experiences of ‘sexual harassment’ in entertainment…(I did my entire 20’s in Hollywood, in the entertainment industry. I found myself in numerous situations where in which some guy in power, who would have my career dangling on a stick, right in front of me, would attempt to offer himself to me suggestively or try to make me offer myself to him suggestively, in order to gift me with my apparent ‘dreams come true.’ It happens all the time. Infact, it happened to me a month and a half ago, in England. Who do some people think they’re trying to kid?)

Luckily, I’m a tough cookie…and I’m not someone who would EVER…EVER surrender to such Tom Foolery. Especially being a Mum to a little girl. I’m a good human. I’m a sassy human. I don’t play like that. I have far too much faith in myself, timing, talent and in life. I don’t need to take shortcuts, because when I *bloom,* it will be done at the right time, the right way and with a good energy…a glittery happiness…an giddy warmth…a decent flair of panache.

But i whole heartedly stand by every single woman, that has come forward, be you Angelina Jolie, or Suzie from around the block…who has opened up and told their story, as it will keep your hearts safe and keep entertainment about creative talent and not about what some people feel they negatively NEED to DO, to get where they want to be. Say NO, to what we in LA used to label the ‘Casting Couch.’ It’s a disgrace! Believe in yourself and your own talents. Don’t panic. Don’t rush. You’ll get there. I promise. If you work hard, learn to be great at what you do and just be a decent person, who stays loyal to what they believe is right.

ANYWAY, I’ve got lost in the jumble. I’m meant to be telling you about my time with Inadequate Chris.

I filmed on Sunday with him in Park Square Leeds. We had the most amazing time and did the most amazing comedy sketches. We also filmed a few bits for Snapchat, to tickle their delightful new features. And soon you can delight in a bit of Inadequate Chris/Wunna Land hilarity. We work really well as a comedy duo. I’m not a serious person. I know how to have a good time. And even though he’s a lot shyer than I am…(He made us wait on a park bench for ages in Park Square, Leeds until a random gang of boys had left, before he would film his scene Lol) he’s a pretty great talent.

That day I learnt that I can talk nonsense with the greatest of ease, when a cameras put in my face, that we’re not the cast of Hollyoaks, that I might win a BAFTA and that everything ends in cocktails. (Remember, if I do anything, I only ever ask for a phone charging facility and some form of celebratory alcoholic beverage.)

After filming we walked up to the ever so glamourous Victoria Gate in Leeds ( I adore bouji. I love the Victoria Quarter)..Chris wheeled his push bike, with a backpack, tripod and camera shoved in it, as we chatted about our day of filming.

Chris: ‘You’re pretty likeable. There’s a likeability to you.’

The sun shone down on us and the wind was a little brisk. It was crisp. Traffic was everywhere, yet steady. I was talking about a guy a met earlier in the year,  his love life and a show I recently filmed…and then we finally got to the glorious Victoria Gate entrance, where life turns into luxury, the world surrenders to peace and you glamourously take that elevator up to Level 3, to Issho.

I love Leeds. I remember strutting through the streets at the end of the day, just feeling the air, the city and the buzz around me. It made me beam. It made me feel at home. Like the world was my oyster. It is SUCH a great city!

Now, Chris and I have ended up being quite good friends. We tell each other a lot. He’s currently dating someone new and adoring it. I mean they’re definitely in that initial ‘happy, but are we secure’ stage…he didn’t say that, but I know that. I watched him chitter about his girl and when he did, his eyes lit up. That’s how I know they are going to be okay. 🙂

I’ve said this before…and I got this from Josh the bartender. (He whispered it across a bar, as I sipped a salted rimmed margarita.)

A guy who loves a girl will ALWAYS PUT HER ON A PEDESTAL. No girl will ever compare to her. She’ll be his everything. And as a girl, you’ll feel it. You’ll feel on top of the world. And if you don’t….you’re not on that pedestal yet. You know when you are. But you know when you’re not. We as girls tend to make excuses for the guys at this point. Don’t….if you’re meant to be his Goddess, you will be!

I can officially state that Inadequate Chris, has merrily ‘pedestal placed’ his new girlfriend..So we decided to celebrate it with the finest Japanese lunch, cocktails and white wines. I adore the bouji peacefulness of Issho. It is filled with a magical swirl that lets your soul enjoy the finer things in life, yet it does it beautifully and calmly….Where you’re at your most ZEN. We chatted about everything for hours…and then tried to get the best value for money throughout the wine list and menu. (It’s a Yorkshire thing.)

Chris: ‘This is why I love hanging out with you. You always tell it how it is,  but make me feel good about myself. No, I don’t like wine.’

Me: ‘You’re such a Queen.’

(Do note…He’s ever so straight. Just gentle, like a Queen by nature. Almost emotionally Royal. I’m a glamour puss directed with a shimmie of absolute femininity. However, I have the most inappropriately masculine sense of humour. )

After we drank loads and spoke about life, under the Issho lights, I noticed that when it comes to love, he is certainly someone that I would label a ‘ love bunny.’ So he’ll adore a girl madly and want to spend every single waking minute of the day with them. In return, she has to adore him madly. And it’s cute.

I love love…but I’m an independent career girl. I’m romantic and loving…but as the saying goes ‘behind every great man is an even greater woman’ I am that woman. I can’t be asred cooking ya tea, but i’ll make you the greatest man alive!

Nothing is better to me than empowering people to be the best they can be. I do it positively. There’s a cheeky warmth about it all. It’s not evil. I love bringing the best in folk,  who don’t actually realise how amazing they are!

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I’m off to bed. I’m working all day tomorrow, the kids are on a school trip and I’ve got 2 more auditions, plus a book to write.  I’m pretty lucky. No. I’m really lucky. Hard work, pays off.

 

 

 

Life, Marriages & Think They Knows

It’s a funny old thing this life marlarky isn’t it? One minute you can be on the top of the highest mountain ‘star jumping’ to the sound of absolute delight and then all of a sudden, and just like that, The Gods can come and pull that rug from under you and send you off into a spin…a downward spin where you lose your grip.

I’d say i’m quite good at life. I’ve mastered the creative art of it…. In most areas. When I say ‘mastered’ I simply mean that ‘I get it.’ I’m not saying i’m some kind of life champion, I’m just saying that I’m the QUEEN of living my OWN life the way I want to and happily. Even though my love life, seems like it’s been so shit over the years…I can tell you, on the whole, i’ve been quite lucky and been really happy. Happier and luckier than most. It doesn’t seem that way, but I have. Whenever I wasn’t chipper…I changed it, or dealt with it. Made It better. And yeah, there are moments where in which I wish I could ‘moonwalk’ backwards and do things a little differently, simply for closure. Closure that I never received. Yet the fact is that you can’t…so you might as well pull your ankle socks up and get on with it, with a smile. (It doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake…you kinda just have to get on with it. Bad moods, or bad times are really only temporary and people ALWAYS forget that. And yeah I may be coming across as a little ‘Rainbow Brite,’ yet I don’t care because by nature i’m a person who will focus on what is positive about a situation or person, rather than give power to the parts that are negative. Yeah, it can make me look a fool at times. I’ve had my heart and trust broken because of this delicious little manner, a zillion times over. In business and work i’ve trusted people that I shouldn’t have. The shit talkers. J Yet, if you stay true to who you are and stay loyal to what you believe is right…then fuck it….the things or people that ‘stick’ or even more so MAKE THE EFFORT to ‘stick’ are the things and people that are right for you.

(I’m getting this weird flashback of being 24 in LA and running outside in the dark by wheely bins, after an argument with my first husband Mike. It was street lit and the stars were above me. Everything around me was quiet. It wasn’t a big argument. It just felt big at the time. He’d always chase me whenever we fell out, because I would always rush off and leave the room. Only if it was filled with people. It looked to others that ‘the rush off’ was because I was a ‘such a DIVA.’ But really, the ‘rush off’ was always because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. He always knew that. So as soon as I made an exit dash…he would rush after me. I’ll always take myself away from a negative moment or environment in order to find some kind of positive. He stopped me and turned me around, after chasing me down the street shouting ‘CHRISTINA.’ He never called me ‘Chrissie.’ Infact, his only other nicknames for me were ‘Shorty Doo Wop’ or ‘Baby.’ Anyway, he held my wrist gently and said,

‘INTENT is EVERYTHING and I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you. I love you. I’ll make it right. INTENT is EVERYTHING CHRISTINA, EVERYTHING. Just stop, a second. Don’t forget who I am!!!!’

It sounds weird him saying that, I know. Lol. Yet this argument was at a time when we were both newly doing very well in our careers, he was on a big US TV show, money and ego has been pouring in and what he meant, or what he needed me to remember in that time, was who he was, on the day we first met, in that acting class….when life was really simple. We were so innocent and he was so happy because we’d been put in the same group. He turned around and whispered to his best friend Tyler, who had come from New York with him and said…on that day…’I’m gonna marry that girl.’ I remembered and he knew that I’d remember. So when I stopped dashing….I just stopped….and just like that…we were okay. Later down the line, we weren’t okay. No one knows why but him and I. Everyone thought they knew why. But they didn’t. Everyone said they knew why…but they didn’t. Neither him and I to this day, ever told anyone why, because we respect one another. Everyone made fun of that time, like it was ‘blip’ of a little marriage…that only lasted around a year. When the truth is, what you saw only lasted a year…it went on for 4 more years behind closed doors. It only ended because I suddenly had to move to England. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t have chance. Everything was just so quick….He thought I had just changed my number. It was a really traumatic time, that he never forgave me for. We’re ten years on from that time now….Completely different people, with completely different lives, both a success in our own rights. We live in different parts of the world. We’re both the happy with the paths that we chose. The time we were both together was simply a life a chapter. A ten years ago chapter. I learnt, no…we learnt…a lot from one another, in that time. And the best thing about it ALL, is that we could both be in the same room, full of people, look back and with blissful memories, laugh and take the piss out of that time! One of the greatest things about Mike, is that even though he’ll secretly flashback the bad bits, to me he’ll only ever remind me of the good bits.

‘Remember that time, when you came to New York and you were stood shouting outside the bakery at 3am because you needed more bread and I gave you that twig as a gift because I couldn’t afford anything else.’ )

As if i went on that big a tangent.  I’m hormonal right now. I’ll blame the hormones. Just go with it….Where were we? Oh yeah…life…

More than anything, yeah I’d say I’ve lived and it’s all been a very colourful time, with people ‘oohing’ and ‘arring’ at me. (And that doesn’t bother me because at least i’m not DULL. At least i’ve lived some kind of life where in which people have had the chance to ‘ooh’ and ‘arr’ at me, which is what I wanted and therefore it has made me happy. Life is about being happy. Like ‘Diddy’ said, ‘Happy is the new rich.’

But don’t be dull.

Nothing is WORSE TO ME, THAN PEOPLE WHO CAN’T STOP BEING DULL. You know who you are! Don’t do it to me. It gives me a rash. Whenever, I see dull humans, it makes me feel as though they have no grasp of the art of living. And when I say don’t be dull, I don’t mean you need to be hurtling yourself off a cliff on a bungee rope for insta likes. That can still be dull, if you’re dull. It can be anything, from those that daren’t speak their mind. Those that let people walk all over them. Those that can’t stand up for what they believe is right. Or those that try to be ‘goody goody’ and judge others for being fun. AWWWWWWWWWWW! Don’t be dull. Lighten up. It’s the worst.

Know that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. You’re certainly one decision away from a completely differently life…They are quotes that I’ve read that I believe. So, no matter what, even though there is magic in the air, you are ALWAYS in control…..and if I hate anything, I hate a loss of control. You’ll never find me doing anything, that I do not have a handle on. Even as a child I was that way inclined.

Right now, i’ll tell you, that my life feels so filled up. I can’t find space to relax. I can’t find time to do the things I want to do. Just a moment of silence. Just me. Just ‘sshh.’ The kids have put ‘Wannabe’ on repeat, which is sounding out the upstairs of Wunna land, like it’s some kind of 90’s disco. I’m surrounded by people constantly that aren’t relaxing me! Lol. Everyone constantly wants me to do things for them. And I don’t want anyone to come near me unless they’re either going to massage me, deliver good news, love me or peacefully pour me a prosecco.

Tomorrow…will be a good day. I need a chill before it all gets busy.

I have a shoot to organize, infact THREE to organise, an advert to film, a book to write, four auditions to go to….and i’m meant to be in London next week but I just can’t find the time to get there.

Everything will be okay right? Everything will be okay….

Love, Loyalty & Bunny Tail Thongs

I don’t know how i ended up with my bunny tail thong in my handbag? But i did! (Do note, it is MY bunny tail thong, that I gained from Ann Summers, when they sent me boxes of free things and not the random bunny tail thong of another, that just so creepily happened to be in my handbag. ) However, ofcourse when you have a bunny tail thong in your handbag, you kinda don’t ever want it to just pop out whenever it pleases…as surely it’s just for happy private sexy moments…when you want to be a ‘bunny’ in the bedroom??? Don’t ask. (I’ve only worn it once for picture taking purposes, maybe in the Spring? That picture was sent to a ‘heart throb’…I scored major points. Lol) Anyway…I pulled out my pink ‘Ted Baker’ purse, which was again gifted to me (i’m a bit over it now and need a new one) to pay for..what was it now? Oh GOD! A Blue ‘Push Pop’ for my Baby Ruby and somehow during the glide from my handbag to the open air, it managed to swirl it’s way around my wrist, get entangled within straps and nails and beautifully flick itself onto the counter. Hahaha.

WHY AM I SO EMBARRASING!!!

And to make it worse…the guy at the counter, blushed, fidgeted awkwardly and uncomfortably pretended it wasn’t there. Lol. To me, that’s the worst thing you can do, as i hate awkward moments where things are swept under the rug like they’re not even happening. So, being the unnecessary tool that I am, an ever expressive soul and to firstly break the awkwardness and to try and make him at least feel a little bit better…I just kinda blurted out..

‘Sorry…they’re my pants!’

(AS AND ORDERLY LINE WAITIED BEHIND ME. I don’t know why i thought that would make him feel better. I just thought went with honesty is the best policy? )

He *paused* took my money, still pretended it wasn’t happening, which kinda made me feel rejected. Haha. Then FINALLY, he cracked a tiny Yorkshire smile…and BOOM, life and normality was restored. How did it even get in my bag? Bunny tail thongs must have a life of their own? They’re magic. AND I have noticed that I must never learn lessons, because it’s still in my handbag right now…chilling…waiting for its next appearance, because I keep forgetting to take it out! Learn things the hard way much!

I have a last minute shoot today, that I wasn’t going to go on just yet, but ended up going on in the end simply to bundle all my work into one big ‘yeehaa.’ It’s throwing it down with rain and even though i hate the rain when travelling about…(I love it warm) I’m excited because it will soon be flippin’ Christmas, which is my FAVOURITE TIME OF YEAR! I love the smell of it, the warmth of it, the merriment, the tinsel and the fact that I have a birthday a week before Santa comes. I was meant to be born on Christmas Day, but my mum made them pull me out early because she hated the idea of a Christmas Day labour. Some of you pulled crackers, my mother had a human pulled out of her….EARLY.

I love my Parents. They’re Great! My dad taught me to dream (he’s really creative) and my mum taught me how to turn a dream into a reality. (She’s really practical.) There was a time in my 20’s when I had kinda brought a lot of attention to myself, it was all TV, modelling and all kinds of good and bad press…and during it…they stood by me whole heartedly, strong has bulls…having private talks with me, in support and at the same time as refusing to comment on anything when harassed by others who we didn’t want interfering with my life. The only things she ever said openly to someone who had said something quite derogatory about me, was this…

‘When YOU’RE seeing her as a product, I’m letting you know she’s my daughter. She’s human. I’ll love and protect her until the day she dies. I raised her to be able to handle anything…she can and she does….’

I always remember that.

The best and worst thing about that statement is that I see every inch of Me in Ruby and automatically I have gone into protection mode, to the point where it’s a bit silly. I mean, obviously now ‘The Wunna Babies’ receive offers of all sorts and I go out of my way to turn them all down, just so they start life in a normal loving fashion. They can do charity work, or childrens brands, but away from that…it’s a ‘No.’ Ruby asks me every morning if she can model, start a Vlog, sign up to some show…(I didn’t let her do ‘Secret Lives of Five year olds Lol) and I don’t know if i’m doing the right thing or wrong thing, yet as a parent…I don’t think being six is a good time to venture into entertainment, which is a very adult world. I mean even some adults don’t understand how the world of entertainment works…let alone children..and whilst i’m still working, I wouldn’t be able to be around 24/7 to make sure she’s okay and I would need to be. She hates me for it at times, but trusts me. Lol. It’s my loyalty to her.

I’ve got the heart of a lion and when it comes to love and loyalty, be it within family or romantically…I am great at standing right by, anyone I care about’s side, when they need me the most. I look for that in partners. I find it attractive. Loyalty is HUGE with me. It’s a big old thing. If you can’t be loyal to someone you care about, then you’re weak…and during my time in LA, I knew that I had  to partner up with the strongest man alive.

Ahhh! I’ve just got an instagram message from one of my best chick friends ‘Greedy.’ I miss her madly. She’s trying to be a nurse, whilst watching me be a Glamour Puss. It’s good times. I have the funniest memories with ‘Greedy.’ I really shouldn’t call her that. Haha. Her name is actually ‘Danielle.’ I’m glad her love life isn’t rubbish now. We’d spend hours muddling through it whilst she pondered dessert. She was dating this idiot who she loved madly, but he cheated on her with his ex. She forgave him out of love…and they got back together. Then he cheated on her again…with his ex. Lol. What I love about her is the fact that she felt it all really quickly and cried it out madly, but never ever let it tarnish her faith in love or herself. She’s happy now…with a great guy. BOOM! We have a really honest relationship..another thing that I love in friendships.

Ooh, it’s stopped raining…

See ya! I’m off.

 

 

Quick Stop Banter

Me: ‘So I haven’t seen you all in ages, what’s the gossip?’

The Girls: ‘Ermmm….No, no gossip, it’s been boring. We’ve missed you.’

‘So, nothing AT ALL has happened? Nothing exciting?’

‘No.’

I mean JEEPERS, we might has well all start painting ourselves grey and bumping into ourselves like Lemmings after a late afternoon carb overload.

Luckily, I can find excitement and juice in ANYTHING. Annnnnythiiing!!! I can find the good or the silver lining in MOST SITUATIONS…and slowly but surely, it all came tinkering out…

So yeah, nothing exciting happened to my girl besties (do know that I have actually had the most exciting time, whilst i’ve been gone,) HOWEVER…they forgot to tell me that Lady Shizzle had been proposed to and someone was now a lesbian. Surely that’s exciting news? I mean, that’s not everyday shit. Lol. Well the ‘proposed to’ bits are. In the last 2 weeks, three of my friends have been proposed to or have proposed to their piece of ‘heart.’

Me: ‘Proposals are so much nicer than wedding days, (I say from experience ;), because there’s a flutter to them, it’s always a surprise, whereas weddings have been planned for months and months and months…it’s a ball ache.’

Hustle Barbie: ‘Well if you and Lady Shizzle can have three weddings, Fairytale and I can at least have one.’

Me: Don’t be making fun of our three weddings! Lol’

Fairytale Blond: *Just puts her bare ring finger in the air and ways it like it’s sad, with her bottom lip out.*

Then things kicked in a little and we stopped being boring, as we discussed Bavarian outfits that need to be made sluttier and the executive psychological topic of ‘why men or people in general are arrogant or cocky.’

We came up with the theory that the more insecure you are, the cockier you are…as arrogance is used as a mask to protect your tender soul or the way you feel about yourself. It’s not a bad thing. As when I was at my cockiest, this was when I was young…WAY BEFORE LA….I was at my most insecure, so it’s true. It’s human nature. Now that i’m older, I’ve glowed with this confidence…this happiness…LA actually brought that out in me. I experienced a lot. Yet I can always relate to people and understand why they do things. I find the art of ‘understanding humans‘ sexy.

A  lot of you are tuning into the blog right now, as I set myself up for a big next year.This is my ‘working’ year. I always say, a lot is going on behind the scenes in Wunna Land. This time around i’m confident and it feels real. Am I cocky…yeah a bit…yet again thats the tiny line of inner insecurity I have, when it comes to success which powers me forward. On the whole, i’m pretty good at being warm, positive and just flipping normal under really surreal circumstances.

Anyway, i got distracted…but yes, a lot of people around the world are checking into Wunna land, and I said that I would give ‘Weston’ in Blantyre, Malawi a happy shoutout and then tell the dude from Belgrade in Serbia, to quit sending me daily messages that simply read ‘HORNY.’

It’s bizarre? I mean, what does he think i’m honestly going to do or say? Lol. It takes a lot more than that to try and pull my Sassy ass…I don’t want to give your ‘diddly doo’ a ‘diddly dum,’ after a command. I’m a glamour puss. I’m not your glamour puss and you should start conversations with women in the future that begin with a simple ‘Hi…’ (before telling her how amazing she is.) Unlike David, who told ‘Fairytale’ that she had really shit hair.

I’m a girl with a sexy disposition, who always wants to find true affection in a man. Told ya…my love life is not rubbish right now. I’m beaming…

Anyway, I’ve got to go…Sorry it was just a quickie

Love you lots.

Thank you for following my life and being part of it.

I’m looking forward to my ‘tomorrow.’

 

 

 

Love, Lattes & Chicks Who Tongue Dogs…

Woke up this morning with the blistering sunlight shining through my window, with all a calm breeze and peace as my bestie…I stretched…I kitty yawned and just like that BOOM! Bustle, door knocks, headsets, clipboards, fidgets, schedules and that darling bit of happy ‘rush rush.’ (Which i hate. I hate RUSHING. When you rush, you mess things up. I’m a glamour puss. I like to do things in an orderly glamourous fashion.)  It only lasted a good jolly moment…then once again everything went back to calm, back to normal and I could continue sipping my green tea latte. (Which is my favourite latte in all the land. I used to get one every morning in LA, on 3rd and La Cienega, unless I was on a diet, then i’d flirt with an Americano with skimmed instead.)

Sorry….i’ve just got distracted after watching a snapchat of a guy (i know his sister closely) line out 20 chicken nuggets on his mates drive for hangover kicks and type out a mini news report afterward. Lol I’m enthralled. I love it! Hahah. But anyway…

You all zoned in on the fact that I stated that my love life wasn’t rubbish yesterday, didn’t ya! I scrolled through messages galore from people all over the world either cheering me on, or tinkering for me details? When it comes to love, I’ve never got it right, have I? Yet, that’s because i’ve Mambo’ed into everything head first, twirling madly, in red dresses and sequins, with ‘cha cha’ arms (don’t actually know what arms they are) and with everything crossed. And don’t get me wrong, it’s always great to feel ‘crazy’ about someone (that’s what passion is and if you don’t have it, your soul needs a tequila to wake you up and smell the limes,) yet the ‘crazy’ is what you feel initially….We all love the ‘swirl,’ the initial attraction…the ‘ooh laa’ as I like to call it….Yet, the real love comes after….when time has passed, you’ve learnt about one another and you’ve only just realised how much time you’ve invested in a person because it’s breezed by so merrily…

Real love comes (that love that people say has been written about for centuries) when a true friendship has been formed, one of loyalty and trust, that has been built upon slowly, where you share laughter, secrets, respect and support. When you can look at that person and know that no matter what they’ll always be there…because they always have. To me…that’s what real love is. A best friend…that you do ‘non friend zone‘ like things with. 😉

Having gotten love wrong for so many glamourous decades…YIPPPEEEE (again doesn’t make me a hideous person, it’s simply just my story, it’s actually empowered me more than I ever thought it would,) I THINK, that no one in this entire world understands love more than I do, right now. I do get nervous. I do get frightened. I do things wonderfully. I do things badly. It’s normal. I’m certainly not all sass, i’m quite an affectionate soul…and yeah like anyone, I don’t fancy feeling love in order to maybe get hurt, right? Especially not at thirty something. That doesn’t make us weak, it kinda just makes us human. It’s not the right way to move forward. So I’m always open hearted regardless…as my confidence out weighs my moments of terror…and just incase i have to encounter a sassy bit of heartbreak again in the future …I KNOW THAT I CAN HANDLE IT. 🙂 Plus, I have loads of great alcoholic chick friends who will buy me cocktails to make me feel better..and then make fun of me for being a tool.

I’m an life soldier…but a happy one. And I am 100 percent confident that one day (even though i’ve had decades of being unlucky in love) i’ll make someone really happy forever. Forever being the key word…as I have made people briefly happy… Lol. I actually said this to my chick friend Lana (she’s strange and tongues dogs)..

Me: ‘What! I’ve got it in me….’

Lana: ‘What, like silicone?’

Me: ‘Yes. Actually. Please stop tonguing that dog near my Gucci Bamboo Top Handle.’

Lana: ‘It’s weird because you’re a sweetheart but everyone who doesn’t know you thinks you’re a dickhead. Hahaha. I know you’ve got it in you…’

Me: ‘Well, I wouldn’t say it, if I didn’t know it was true. It’s not like i’m sat here saying, hey yeah…i’d make a really great roller booting astronaut…cos i’d know i’d be shit at that.’

Lana: ‘There’s no such thing as that, idiot. What if Mr. Whoever has a shit willy..’

Me: ‘He doesn’t have a shit willy. Stop tonguing that fucking dog!! Honestly. It’s sick. No wonder you’re divorced.’

Lana: ‘You can’t talk…You better get used to having to tongue pets now that you’ve got Rocco…’

Me: ‘Eww! Rocco’s bouji. He’s not average like your pet. Lol. He’s an ‘IT’ kitten. He’s swag. He’s part of Wunna land. I have a whole online patch of land. You’re living it right now & you don’t even know. It’s like a glittery Matrix.’

Lana: ‘You’re such a big headed twat.’

Right, I need to head off quickly…and enjoy the rest of my chills. I have the Yorkshire chills to get back to and enjoy…I’m slightly confused at how grown my children have become. It’s weird. How the hell have I managed to raise them?

I’m also missing all my girls! Firmonnell, Fairytale, Hustle Barbie, Double B, Mel and Lady Shiz. I did actually wake up, thousands of miles away from them, look down at my phone and read a stream of whatsapp messages that kinda really upset me. Lots has happened and it was kinda weird because it’s not really something that I would be upset by…Yet reading the stream and realizing how much of a team we were, no matter where we were in the world or what we were doing….or whatever shit life through at us…kinda made me smile! I love being part of a team. We have each other’s back no matter what. I always wonder what we’ll all be doing in the next five years…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Talking Chemistry…

‘If a guy is madly in love with a girl, he will put her on a pedestal, to the point where no other girl in the entire world, comes even NEARLY CLOSE to her… that’s how we as guys, know we’re in love…’

…said Josh the ‘Ego’ bartender to the little Burmese Glamour Puss. He had just been cheated on by his girlfriend, who he had been loyal to for YEARS. It hurt him. He cried in a car. But he’s now dating someone else…and I guess he’s just taking it steady, yet merrily, with his heart on his sleeve. The above statement occurred after I decided to express my views on loyalty and ‘guys with wandering eyes.’ 

Me: ‘If a guy is looking at other girls and seriously actually wanting a piece…then the girl he’s with, can’t be his big love. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with anyone looking at all, yet I know that when I care about a guy i’m with, i always care for them with every thing that I am, so my eyes would NEVER wander. Not ONE piece of me would care for anyone but the guy i love. I’m all fire for them…’

I learnt a lot this weekend…and yeah I may have learnt stuff whilst sipping on the occasional ‘Pornstar Martini.’  However, still the weekend was great. Even Friday rocked. It was fun. ‘Fairytale Blond’ got stressed and the rest of the girls (including myself) just invested in the best time ever and shimmied around her to Kisstory tracks, during the middle of the day. How good is Kisstory on a Friday afternoon!!!

Anyway, I’m having a chilled time and when I say ‘chilled,’ it’s not chilled in the sense of ‘still,’ as a LOT of work is going on behind the scenes in Wunna Land right now. (I have a lot of exciting things happening to me, that I’m unable to tell you about yet. No one even knows about it all except myself and one other human.)  When I say ‘chilled,’ I guess, I mean that my heart is warm and i’m feeling pretty at peace…pretty together. It’s a good feeling because all sorts of madness has swirled around me, over the last couple days…. in the lives of others, in the lives of those close to me and I was kinda able to simply smile, keep myself out of the drama and enjoy my own version of life. Cut away from it all positively. I’m a lucky girl. A really lucky girl. Right now, my life is WONDERFUL. I’m at peace.

But HOLY SHIT. I had friends, who got cheated on, dumped, ditched, pied…and lied to. Yet great things happened like..

Emily: ‘Mark asked me to marry him! I said YES! WERE ENGAGED!’

(Not bad to say they met on the hell hole that I call Tinder. I hate Tinder. I’m not on Tinder. I’d never online date anyone with a swipe. Everything to me is all about a real life connection. Yet flipping heckers…Tinder certainly worked out for them! They even had a long distance relationship and LOOK how well it went! He looked at her, knew he wanted to make her his wife…and he did. NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN THAT MOMENT. It’s hot. It’s when a boy turns to man. And he got her the blingiest rock ever!)

I’m seeing really bad couples and really great couples all all around me. The bad couples will learn. The great couples will be filled with love.

Away from all that, I committed to making rude words out of sequinned arts and crafts. I pictured it and whatsapped it to the appropriate person…followed by a photo of…well i don’t really think i can say what the picture was, without everyone having a go at me for having a rubbish sense of humour, that always gets me done. (See! I’m learning. 😉 ) Lots of good times, lots of fun, time with the babies and maybe a moment when some girl told me a story of how she ‘rimmed’ a guy and punched a guy, before I found myself sat in what looked like an accidental, illegal dungeon, with my old school friend Kate.

Odd moment, but still a good time. I felt really tired though, so I ventured home immediately for bed. I love bed time. As soon as my kitten head hit that pillow, i was ZONKED.

Then I decided to stress out because I couldn’t find the perfect dress. I need the perfect dress for Friday and when you need a good dress…you can’t fricking find one anywhere, can you??? (I have one now. I ordered it today at 7am. I love early morning spends.) I have a big week this week….If i’m being honest, I was kinda nervous for it, until I moaned at ‘Firmonnell.’

Me: ‘I’m nervous. I’m shitting myself. What am I even doing!! Lol’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s too late for this shit now…’

It kinda made me pull glitzy little self together, laugh and get on with it. Lol. You can’t really go hurtling off a glitter cliff and then think ‘oops’ mid soft landing.

I have great friends. Fair enough some of them might be odd like ‘Hustle Barbie’ who has dreams of bald men named ‘Dave’ just because ‘they’re funny.’

Hustle Barbie: ‘You know he’s a virgin…He comes from a really religious family…’

Double B: ‘FUCKS SAKE! THIS STORY IS JUST GETTING WORSE!!! HAHAHA!’

Me: ‘As if he’s an actual real life virgin! You can’t take his virginity. It’s wrong. Hahahaha.’

It’s bizarre because guys love virgins and girls think guy virgins are just weird. Hahah. Apart from ‘Hustle Barbie’ who has completely lost her mind. (I asked her for dress advice and she sent me a picture of some giant rainbow coloured, Cinderella ball gown. Hahaha.)

I think sex is a really big part of a relationship/marriage. I whole heartedly respect ‘Bald Dave and his ‘no sex before marriage’ thing. It’s lovely. But imagine if you married him and you had really shit sex together forever. I’d hate that! I love ‘the bedroom.’ You really do have to have sex with someone before you marry them. Test the goods and all that! Lol. Even if you never have sex again and then decide to wait until the ‘i do’s’…at least you know that the ‘winky winky’ part of your love is AMAZING. That sounds like a ‘tick box’ to Me!

Honestly…’Hustle’ is properly crushing on him. DREAMING about him and everything. Hahaha!

I don’t even know if I can tell you what Mel did at the weekend…I think i might need to ask her permission. It even flipping SHOCKED ME. Lol. She tinkered to Liverpool and had a bizarre Portaloo moment. It is the most hilarious story ever. I’m too scared to tell you it.

Y’know, I don’t even know what to tell you because so much has happened!

But this weekend, I learnt a lot about love. I learnt a lot about myself. It solidified what i wanted by listening to the shit stories of others. Hahaha. It’s strange because to look at, people always guess me wrong. I don’t know what they’d think i’d be like? Yet, it’s certainly not what I am. Lol. When it comes to love, I believe in true love. I believe that sometimes people ‘make do’ with partners. Yet,i’m not that girl. I honestly think there is ONE PERFECT person out there for you, for everyone. You’re perfect person will always find you. They’ll love you. Your chemistry will be magic. Your love will come so easily it will be effortless. You’ll be happy.

I’m a settley down kinda girl. I’m allowed to have a cheeky side. It doesn’t make me unable to love. Lol. It makes me ace. I want ‘forever.’ I’d do ‘forever’ for with my perfect man. But I guess anyone would once they had found their life bestie? It’s just how true love goes….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Ticket To Dullsville

So I spent my first half of Tuesday with one of my chick besties ‘Firmonnell.’ I kinda tottered down the street, in my giant Cruella Deville faur fur, (it wasn’t Dalmatian…it was ‘Little Mistress,’) as she began to pretend that I lived in a caravan and I convinced her that she was pregnant. Lol. It’s how we roll. This was after talks of Prosecco and periods. I get carried away with baby talk, it fills me with excitement. I sizzle over with an utter flourish of ‘ooh laa.’ To me, nothing is more fulfilling than creating humans..Y’know, little ‘Mini Me’s.’ However,  Firmonnell…well… she pretends she hates it. She doesn’t hate it. She just…well… she just hates it. 🙂

We laughed all the way to Wakefield and guided each other to appropriate parking spots…where parking meters didn’t work.

Firmonnell: ‘As if you’ve made me park this far away.’

Me: ‘It’s just around here somewhere?’

Firmonnell: ‘You don’t know where we are, do you?’

Me: ‘It’s by the Bull Ring, or something? What if we take this shortcut? Lol.’

Lots of things happened on Tuesday. It felt fun! It started off with a whatsapp message that made me smile. When you get a good message to start your day, it kinda sets the tone, doesn’t it. It makes the rest of your day that little bit rosier.

There were moments where mini prosecco bottles were guzzled in carparks, in the style of ‘bouji pirates.’Times when ‘Double B’ referred to males as a ‘pink whisky faces.’ Sweeps of time, where in which we watched young girls perform dance routines, by bundles of straw, to Beyonce remixes. (We could’ve shown them how it SHOULD be done.) There was laughter. Good times. Infact, I might have had a weird conversation with a girl, about how they talk to plants to make them grow. Then finally…after my brain had fried itself with hard work..

‘I swear I was built for pleasure and not such mental labour…’

…I got home to the babies and indulged in an early night and WHAT IS BETTER, than an ‘early night’ when you really really need one!

IT WAS BLISS.

TODAY…was boring as hell. Lol. Fucking boring.

It was one of those days, where there’s zero excitement, not juice and no ‘ooh laa’ in sight. One of those days where you scroll through your emails, check your messages, look around you…and everything is simply so beige, it’s dull. Lol. There was no magic in the air. Everything was still. I couldn’t even call the day ‘vanilla,’ as even that would give it a flavour. Now, I’m a positive soul by nature and if i can’t roll a turd in glitter, then NO ONE CAN.

What was today!!!

If i hate anything…I hate dull. I hate ‘still.’ I’m a fast mover. I’m not a patient person. I yearn for excitement, I look for it and enjoy it. I adore buzzy bits of happiness. I live for them, they feed my kitten soul. I don’t know whether it’s because i’m a fire sign or an idiot? Yet either way, I LOVE to feel excited. I love to feel surprised. I love a bit of sassy banter. In work, I smile at a sense of achievement. In love, I love to feel adored. I I love everything that makes me radiate. That’s when any human is at their most powerful.

Today was boring. Haha!

The only exciting parts where the moments where in which I witnessed two of my friends, kinda weirdly ‘fall’ for each other with the most cutest innocence. They’ve decided to go on a date. It made me smile. It’s cute!

I did also watch a video where in which someone batted a tennis ball with a willy. Not by choice. Maybe by choice? Who knows?  It was hilarious, nonetheless. Who knew anyone could do that?

There was also a moment where in which my chicks friends decided to compare the worst looking guys they’ve ever been with. Lol. That certainly passed some time. It soon went back to boring.

Then ‘Fairytale Blond’ and I decided that we were emotionally needy (lol) and had brief chats on how guys were so different to girls. We’re both really different girls, yet both really similar when it comes to love and expression.

The day turned to night…It’s finally turned to night (Boooooooooyaaaaaaah) and all I can say, as i chill on my pretty flamingo sheets is..

‘Cya Wednesday…You were dull.’

Let’s hope tomorrow is glistened over with magic.

Send me excitement…..