What I Need In A Guy….

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Life is flying at a million ‘WTF’s’ per hour. It’s crazy. There’s been kitten strokes, smoke alarms and utter madness, that has been *paused* by bits of calm. So much keeps happening to me and it’s a mixer of ‘all things dandy,‘ drizzled with trips ups. I ‘trip up’ well, so that doesn’t bother me. I can always brush myself off and wink my way forward with a *shrug.* When good things happen, I sort of fill myself with a kitten like’ excitement. Yet, I do get terrified.

But on the whole, I’m glad the clouds have hovered over Yorkshire this afternoon, (today is the Tour De Yorkshire,) as it pretty much keeps me out of trouble. I just can’t keep myself in when the sun comes out to play. Yet that’s what life is about. I’m all ‘Suns out, Wuns’ out. I’m enjoying good times, refraining from over thinking anything and trying to just have fun with everything. You’re a long time dead and well, usually, as the fairytale goes…it kinda all works itself out in the end, doesn’t it?

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON…

Over the last couple of days, i’ve spent quality time with my friends ‘Katy P’ and ‘JD’ and we’ve all just decided that our love lives (over wine) are shocking. They’re shit. Does it ever get better? Where’s my Prince, who comes trotting along on some stallion, with his one arm *scoop,* ready to sweep me away? Where is he? (Can you tell i’m Needy AF’ today. :))

Katy P: ‘I think it’s hard for you date. I mean, men get the wrong impression of you, because they don’t know you well enough. You’re sexy and they love sexy…yet they don’t see the softer side to you… I don’t know whether they don’t want to, or if they aren’t smart enough to?’

In love, I’m sassy and i’m quite the seductress…and I love that about me. I’m forward. More forward than the guys I’ve met. I wish guys WERE more forward with me. YET, at the same time i’m a hopeless romantic…and I can’t help that. After years of failed ‘love’ ..all the way around the world an back, (lol) i’ve learnt to appreciate the small things and treasure the simple things in life.

I do like to feel ‘impressed’ by a guy. I enjoy being chased. I love being ‘wooed.’ I’m not gonna say that I don’t adore the finer things in life, also. However, a guy could buy me a room filled with diamonds, upon diamonds, to show me how much he cares…and I’d appreciate the effort, whole heartedly. But i’d never appreciate that over a simple ‘love letter,’ as that’s something i’d hold close to my heart forever. I’m creative and I adore a creative gift. If i’m being honest, I’d adore a creative partner.

Anything ‘complicated’ or too difficult…is not something that I’m going to enjoy. If you have to try so hard to make someone want you, then it’s a ‘no go’ really, for me. They’re not that interested. They’re not that into you. I’m both unconventional and traditional all in one. Boys should chase girls. Always. If they don’t, then i honestly just think they don’t care. (And sometimes that isn’t the case, I know. But i need a brave man.)

Plus ‘Josh The Bartender’ once told me that when a guy loves a girl he’ll place her on a pedestal and that pedestal will be so high that no other girl will ever even come close to her. I’ve remember that and every time my paths crosses with another…I flashback to it.

I miss Josh. Where the fuck are you??

So, after a conversation with ‘Katy P’ about cougar loving, sexting and life… in a Justin Bieber top…

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Katy P: ‘Boys just seem to *go at* sex. Real men, can READ ya body better during sex and grown up women give better blow jobs. We must, because you’ll know, don’t they always looked astonished afterward, with a *where did that come from* face. Lol. But no, I never sext. I’m not good at it. I never know what to say?’

Me: ‘I love sexting. I can talk some filth via message. Lol. But i’m a writer..it’s a strength. Hahaha. But yeah, I know what you mean about the blow job thing. You do know that Toyboys are so in right now. Everyone’s doing it. Shall we get more wine?’

Katy P: ‘Younger men are attracted to the confidence that a WOMAN has… over a young girl. We just say it how it is and get on with it. We’re not naggy. We’re better in bed. We know what we want and if we don’t get it…We sack it off.’

Me: ‘They’re not forward though. They’re more terrified than anything, I think? I can feel them being terrified. I like forward. Not creepy forward. Just emotionally brave men. I don’t like them playing the *game* of love. It’s long. I don’t have time for that shit.’

Katy P: ‘You love eye candy though!!!’

Me: ‘Well yeah. I want them to be hot. Who doesn’t!! But i’m a personality girl. I mean, look at that Creepy Deadpoll guy, that follows you about. I only don’t like him because his personality is off. He’s strange. His social skills are wank.’

Then I found myself stood by hot dogs with one of my besties Jenna, as the Tour De Yorkshire *whizzed* by to cheers. I watched it for a bit and then sacked it off for a drink and a blog at ‘Ego.’ It was there and I supported the women’s race…but let’s face it...ROLL ON THE MEN IN SHORTS!!

Jenna: ‘We might as well become lesbians.’

Me: ‘Bagsy the *lipstick,* one, cos i’ll need you to put the bins out.’

Jenna: ‘You just need someone who’s cares so much, but is like FIRE. Someone who knows what they want…They want YOU and they’re not gonna let ANYONE ELSE FUCKING HAVE YOU. YOUR THEIRS.’

Me: ‘God, you’ve made that sound so hot. Haha. I love that. I’m looking for actions not words. What they DO. Not what they SAY their gonna.. and they need to be self less…I hate selfish people.’

But is that too much to ask for? No. So nowadays, I just do the ‘happy being single’ thing…until a Knight comes a striding in with his ‘one armed scoop.’ I’m someone that will feel it straight away…and i’ll finally be putting the ‘square peg, through the square hole,’ without complications…

Bethy G: ‘Do you want a biscuit. Men are shit, they’re all the same…’

🙂

Chrissie x

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We Should All Move To Manchester & Do ‘The Robot’

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YOU HAVE 34 DAYS LEFT OF 2016! Yes you do! Yes you do! And it is SO important that you make the MOST of these last 34 days that we have. If you’ve worked hard all year, embrace the last jolly days of the year with fun, silliness and rummy cocktails. Give yourself a break. If you’ve been a total waster all year :)…take this time to maybe put together a better and more productive plan for the year ahead. If you’ve suffered from breakups, enjoy love. If you’ve been loved up…commit to independent good times. WE WILL ALL START NEW CHAPTERS in 34 days!

But more importantly, YOU ALL HAVE MY BIRTHDAY TO SAVE UP FOR, 🙂 so start emptying those piggy banks and gathering those coppers, as i have me a list that could roll out and blanket half the entire universe with glitter. Lol. (The fact that i’m actually kidding hurts me. If ONLY life was as simple as a ‘get me’ list. It’d make things so much easier. I guess i don’t focus as much on ‘stuff.’ Don’t get me wrong, I do love ‘stuff.’ I have a lot of stuff and i adore it all. But now that i’m in this certain position that i’ve found myself in life, experiences are important to me, as they create memories, thoughtfulness i always find sexy, so you can go far with me with that one…and well the things that i actually want or need for my birthday, if birthdays were magical and THEY ARE, are things that people wouldn’t be able to buy for me, as they are things that i’d have to work for and find….myself.) BUT DO SEND ME STUFF. I LOVE STUFF. It makes me think you care.

I’ve done so much this weekend that i don’t even know where to begin. Swung out of work on Friday, after we all decided that we all have everything else, in life be it babies, love, or whatever it is that ‘tree huggers’ harp on about, that matters…and that the only things we all have missing is SHIT LOADS OF CASH. I work really hard and i’m grateful for the little things, the big things, family, love, life and all sorts, but don’t you get me wrong, i am a girl who strongly BELIEVES that money matters. It makes life better. Not just easier. Yes you need balance. But with the money that you’ve made, you can do all of the things that you WANT to do in life. You can LIVE without having to make sacrifices. And in this current day and age…being able to do that, is down to an accumulation of dosh. IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. Then i remembered that i promised a girl that i’d be her lesbian girlfriend, if i didn’t find love by 40 and left to start the weekend on a high note.

Anyway. This weekend i was in a random bar in Manchester, (i’ve been going to Manchester a lot, spend almost half my time there. ) I can’t even to this moment remember what this bar was called? It wasn’t one of the usual popular cocktail bar haunts, that i’m quite the fixture at, yet just some place that you run into to stay out of the cold, for one quick one, before your get to your bouji destination.

Now, i don’t know what happened? But one drink ended up being loads and my chick friend seems to be able to guzzle drinks down like some kind of booze baboon. Everyone was around us, everyone wanted to chat to us, it was like a fun, Christmas blur of the best good times ever. People, laughter, music ATTENTION. 🙂 I’d been explaining to her that she wasn’t an alcoholic, because my friend Sarah and I had come up with the conclusion over salads, that even though we have a drink every night, we are DEFINITELY NOT alcoholics, because i once met a guy who opened his door to me in cold sweats, pj bottoms, looking like he was about to die, with his ENTIRE BODY SHAKING from withdrawal symptoms, to the point where he couldn’t speak for shaking and she once saw a guy falling about drunk at 8am one morning, who then went on to take off his shoe and puke in it. I’ve never puked in a shoe, or shook in pj bottoms in a sweat…Means i’m not an alcoholic. 🙂

Long story short, i let my rubbish tool of a personality and good times get the better of me and before you know it i had gotten myself involved in this comedy dance off, with some random dude who was trying to make me commit to such foolery. The way my friend tells it is like this:

‘She sort of just started giggly moon walking backwards into a crowd, with her boobies and BOOM she turned around, the crowd had parted and she found herself involved in this bizarre Manchester dance off. YET unlike a normal human being, she didn’t just politely walk off with a smile, SHE FUCKING COMMITTED TO IT. And i couldn’t piss myself more.’

From my point of view, i knew i was going for it mid moonwalk, as fuck it, we need silly fun times to feel alive. I only have 34 days left of the year. 😉 I just didn’t realize how intense my opponent was. Lol. I thought it was going to be a laugh! Not the flipping ‘Britains Got Talent’ finals. Then my Pride kicked in and i couldn’t be shit, even though i was laughing it off…so i went for it. I went for it like a dickhead who over tries on the karaoke, when they can sing a bit, but  can’t actually sing that great, however, they think the can. That was me…in some bar…in boobs…in my House of CB dress…in Manchester.

He was popping and locking and busting and thrusting. He was all over it, but kinda shit too. So it made my job easier, as the crowd focused on looks and the funnest being and i totally won that war. 😉 I went for it. Then i had him, because there’s only a point where in which a guy an actually contain himself, around a girl who has all her focus upon him and is BEING EXTREMELY SEXY & FLIRTY TO WIN infront of him, in the form of gyratey dance moves. 🙂 After that point, testosterone kicks in and all sorts happen to their ‘parts’ and their minds and BOOM they become weak.

I could see him thinking it through mid body pop…

‘Does she fancy me? Would i actually be able to get my end away? Nooo, she just wants to the win the dance off? Wait? Does she fancy me?’ 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

He lost his cool, he ended up falling to pieces, I WHOPPED OUT ‘THE ROBOT!’ Yes, i didn’t even know i could DO ‘The Robot’ but i committed to the basic yet fulfilling art of it, like a demon.

Everything *paused* and like i was Rocky Balboa, the crowd cheered and I won the Dance Off. He even offered to buy me a drink afterward, but I smiled, patted him on the back and tottered off. Then I tickled away to Tattu as it was so much better than hooligans and boners in bars. LOL. I’ve done lots this weekend. I’ve been everywhere, Manchester, Doncaster, Leeds. I hit The Botanist the other evening in Leeds with friends. I feel like i’ve lived a little.

It’s weird, as even though there’s this very apparent ‘up for a laugh’ adventure streak in me…there’s an odd swirl of sophistication that dances around with that…I’m a hard chick to read. Most people get it wrong. But i hope you don’t.

The next morning i was back with the babies, doing Santa’s Grotto’s at The Frenchgate shopping centre in Doncaster, we did Toy R Us, lunches, we did the Prosecco Pit Stop 🙂 , lights, rides, fun, CHRISTMAS and I pretty much gave them the most wonderful weekend that we have probably ever had as a family, in a really LONG time. I spoilt them rotten. I let them have whatever they wanted, do whatever they wanted and just live. (They’re not crazy, so it wasn’t so hardcore.) But they loved it so much because they’re eyes beamed when they smiled at me and their little Wunna hearts beated with excitement. You could just SEE that they felt so special, which made so happy.

The evening was spend in pj’s cuddling up, by the Christmas tree, watching telly and eating popcorn. BLISS! Even though i’ve been out and about, i’ve been blessed with so much of the very best family time.

This morning, i had ‘Daddy drop off’s.’ Like I’ve always said, Pete, Keiran and I co/parent so well with one another. We have our ups and downs, but the thing we have in common is the one thng we focus on and that’s the love of our children. I mean this morning, Ruby, Junior, My Mum, Keiran and I did breakfast at Ackworth Garden Centre, which was a place that was filled with love and Christmas. The kids LOVED IT. I loved it as i got to banter with old friends. And Keiran loved it as he felt part of a family. There was something about him today that made me want to care for him, as i guess when you’re the Dad part of the ‘separated parents’ malarky, Christmas isn’t as fun. On my end, it’s busy and joyous, exciting and wild. The babies are everywhere and we’re enjoying it loudly with bells on. Today he was happy, we got along great, but he had something missing from his soul…and that was everything that i had…The family. He misses it. I know him better than anyone…he misses it. He’s watching the kids grow up and that’s hard on him. He’s watching me grow…and that’s hard on him. He’s not a bad guy, bless him.

Always one to make people cheery, with smiles and laughter I looked at him and said,

‘Gosh! You’ve got to put a tree up Keiran. You don’t hate Christmas. You LOVE Christmas. You love getting gifts! You have Ruby and Junior! You can come spend Christmas with us. It’s not just another day. You’re not alone!!’

After that we laughed, chatted, played with Ruby and Junior and did the baby exchange. Then Ruby, my mum and I, met my dad and brother for lunch together at The Mallard. Where i did wine. Yipppeee!

Right now, i’m in a Fox Onesie and i don’t even know how that’s happened?? I was moderately moany about it at first…Yet now that my boilers broken and not getting fixed until tomorrow, the Fox onesie is a marvel.