Tiki Bars, Exes, Massage Chairs & Anal Thumping…

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I keep having this recurring dream, where i’m in a Tiki bar (lol..ofcourse,) with the same faces, that I don’t know in REAL life, but know like best friends in ‘dream land.’ (Hahah. Don’t ask!) In this Tiki Bar, there are really exotically, lavish looking cocktails. The one I always see in my dream, is the one that comes in a ceramic,sort of zombie, hula dancer’talldrinky cup…and it ‘moonwalks‘ backwards, around the rim of peoples wooden Tiki tables, as they *wink* at strangers and I watch on.

That’s all normal.

(In my world.)

But last night, I dreamt that Mike, my first husband was there (in this Tiki Bar..He’d hate that) and we were falling back in love, but sexily. (I don’t love him, don’t worry. My dream just wanted me to.) We kept feeling it each other up lovingly and cuddling all the time? It was almost as if he was the ‘key’ to all my life happiness.

Then we went back to a dark hotel and had ‘dream land’ sex. But it felt like we were in New York, high in the sky. I remember looking out of a window that looked over the city. 

I got zapped out of that! I *blinked* and everything had disappeared. 

Then…

…all of a sudden ‘Boyband Jonny,’ who I used to date years ago, straight after the Hilton Show, *popped* up in my dream. He’s Gay now. In fact, he was Gay, all along. He just didn’t realize it, at the time, when he dated me. He mixed up fancying me, for simply finding me fabulous. I’m probably the only girl, he’s ever had ‘half sex’ with. He said, I broke his heart. I didn’t though. I was simply ‘key’ to him discovering himself.

I like Jonny, he’s cool. He was actually a great boyfriend. He wrote me a love letter, when I left in a taxi. I am extremely happy, that HE is happy now, he’s found himself and utter true love. 

I don’t mind an unfortunate bit of ‘heart break,’ if it’s helpful. 

HOWEVER…

I do hate it when my exes hijack my dreams!!! Especially,when i’m at a Tiki Bar, (do they not have dream land’ manners.) A Tiki bar, by the way, is my favourite kind of bar in the whole wide world. (If i could own one, I would. Yet, not for profit, just for kicks.)

I want to be able to have my heart broken, storm into my Tiki, BE pissed off, put on my hula skirt, and sip rum out of a flaming fired coconut, with a cocktail umbrella in my hair, as I  pull faces and cry.

I’d have to own it, simply because I wouldn’t want to get my ‘sorry, hula, ass’ up and pay my tab , whilst crying. I’d need Tiki minions for that.

It’d make ‘hearkbreak’ much easier.

I just can’t get away from being haunted by my exes. Why??

STUPID CUPID, you’re A REAL MEAN, guy.

I’m even getting tattoos shortly, to both celebrate and at the same time REMIND ME of things that happened to me this year…

AGAIN, I’ve had a big year of change and I need to remember it. I want to remember it. So I’m going to Tattoo it.

Ofcourse…Lol

(I haven’t had a tattoo in a million years.)

I was telling Ruby, in bed, last night…and even SHE *paused,* laughed and said..

‘Oh my GOD! Don’t get THAT ONE!!!’

She’s SEVEN! Hahaha. She looked at me like I was ‘whacked.’

Hurrah! Flaming Coconut Drinks for everyone!

Yesterday, I was doing bits of Christmas shopping, at The Frenchgate Centre, in Doncaster, and I decided to go on the ‘Put £1 in it’ massage chairs.

I love a massage.

I love a moment, where you can just hit *pause* and relax for a second, during the bustle. That’s why I used to love Prosecco Pit Stop. (Which no longer exists.)

Woe is me….

BUT, OH MY GOODNESS!

I haven’t actually been on a massage chair in YEARS. Let me tell you. They HAVE IMPROVED!!

I’m sat there, slightly awkward, slightly in public, slightly okay with it though. I’m used to winging an awkward situation and making it look glam. (Hilton taught me well.)

The money goes in the slot and HOLY SHIT, that CHAIR, MADE LOVE TO ME.

It caressed and moaned and rubbed and loved. It oozed. It cared. It romanced and it danced.

THEN…OUT OF NOWHERE…

THE massage chair STARTS ******* BATTERING ME. It starts PUNCHING MY BACK with glee. Then BASHING MY HEAD, FROM SIDE TO SIDE. (Haha.) It starts SQUEEZING THE LIFE, out of my little Asian ribs …and WORST OF ALLEMBEDDED IN THE CHAIR, MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANAL THUMPER…

HAHAHA…

SOMETHING KEPT RISING UP, IN THE CHAIR AND THUMPING ME UP THE BUM, BUM….

..REPEATEDLY!!!!!

HAHAHA.

I couldn’t make it stop and I kept having to pretend, everything was lovely, because I was in public and my daughter was stood next to me. LOL

Do I just have this affect on everything!?! Nothing can just LOVE ME FOREVER, without aggressively Anal thumping me? It started so ‘steadily.’ It loved me. IT DID!!! Then just went MAD and started being hateful or horny????

THEN, when the abused had finished, the chair went on to *SQUEEZE* by legs to death (and my legs are pathetic like Bambi…But luckily, it all suddenly *stopped.*

BUT my legs had got TRAPPED!!! (Hahaha)

WHAT THE ******* IS MY LIFE!!!

I thought the deal was that I only had to ‘suffer’ through the LOVE part of my existence…NOT the ACTUAL other bits of actual LIFE TOO!

ANAL THUMPING!

I put FIFTY SHADES TO SHAME.

Who needs, a RED ROOM? In fact, who needs a fucking husband!?!

I want another go!!!

Ruby was there trying to free my legs, but laughing so hard, she was in tears. MY MUM KNEW, bad stuff was going to happen to me, so instead of protecting me, she decided to FILM the horror.

I’m sure she’s secretly like, ‘I paid shit loads of money to put you through school, you WILL become a STAR, even if I have to FORCE IT, film it and get the insta likes FOR YOU!!’

Then I get home, needing 72 wines, a bit of calm and a spot of telly and all that’s on is a ‘Come Dine With Me’ episode with a Farmer, who has made everyone horny with BEETROOT, by fireworks and an ex body building Geordie, in a purple towel, who’s baked a pie?

I LOVE ‘COME DINE WITH ME.’ (I once got asked to go on the show, but didn’t go on it, because I didn’t want to cook for everyone…which obviously is the whole point. Haha.)

I don’t even cook for my own children, let alone strangers. (Ruby at 7, could probably be a fine dining, food critic, she’s eaten out THAT much.)

Bottom line, I was passing time before ‘X Factor,’ followed by a dose of ‘I’m a Celeb.’

After the massage chair, I wasn’t in the mood for watching pies being made…I either needed a documentary on GOD, TO heal my broken soul, like a prayer. OR just go the other way and find something on the lines of ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’

This time next week, I’m on FIRST DATES!!! 

I’M ON FIRST DATES, NEXT MONDAY!!!

I actually can’t wait to watch tonight’s episode. It’s almost like a starter, for my ‘next week’ main! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.

Anyway…

The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’

Me: ‘What? OMG! SCRRRRREEEEEAMS…..’

BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!

 

 

 

People called ‘Toby,’ Tamagochi’s & Life…

Today just feels wonderful. I’m  feeling really giddy, really girly and super alive. It’s swirling me about, in a tizzy. I’ve got nothing new to be excited about really. There’s lots going on, but nothing ‘brand spanking.’ I must’ve just got up on the right side of the glamour sheets. I’m clicking my heels in the air, I’m skipping to the sound of tweety birds. The suns in my eyes and it’s making me ‘beam.’ I’ve even fitted into my ‘too tight for me jeans,’ which means my ‘Dragon Fruit’ diet has accidentally gone to plan.

Chick Friend: ‘You can’t be on a Dragon Fruit diet, if you’re still having Sunday Dinners..Haha.’

Me: ‘Oh? I’ve MORE ADDED IT to my diet because it sounds so exotically bouji.’

Chick Friend: ‘I think the fact that your body only runs on coffee, wine and handfuls of olives, is why you’re jeans fit.’

Me: ‘OoooR because the Dragon Fruit FLEW IN and terrified my fat away?’

Dragon’s are ferocious! Why doesn’t’ she get it? Some people are so behind…? 😉

Ah! I’m glad to finally be back to normal. Everyone in Wunna Land has been ill. Yet, we’ve all still had to be ‘out and about’ due to work commitments. It doesn’t make anyone better. Running on empty gives you wrinkly bits. I’ve actually been the only one WELL. So i’ve unfortunately had to take on the duty of being nurturing. It’s not a forte of mine. (Ruby my daughter, has ‘MILKED’ this moment., with GLEE.)

I haven’t been able to smash or check my ‘socials’ properly, as i’ve been running about with cough syrup, parcels to influence, bags filled with Greggs, sick people, a cocktail in my hand and like a maniac in glitter heels. I’m meant to be ‘F’ jazziling my messenger bag and I haven’t even had time to do that! (‘F’ is for Fashion.)

Chick Friend: ‘You still had time to do that slutty silhouette dance, on your wall though…’

Me: ‘Haha. Well, yeah. Anything for a panicky Insta Like moment…’

Chick Friend: ‘I thought you only did marriages for Insta likes…?’

Me: ‘You do know, I could just swap you out for a different friend…’

All I learnt yesterday is that I enjoy ME time (lol,)  I love my work, I can laugh in the face of misery, I’m more selfish than I thought and that I should NEVER EVER buy my children Tamagochi again!!!. FFS. I must be sucker for punishment. Why would I do that to myself…???? Haha..

I bought them these little Digi Pets, that they now have to love, nurture, feed and take care of...ALL OF THE TIME. (Which they have.) YET, when they’re at school, they have DEMANDED that I watch both of their tamagochi’s  and look after them, so they don’t die. Meaning, MID ‘REALLY IMPORTANT’ showbizzy meetings, i’ve had to look down, *pause* and clean up a digital poo!!

Me: ‘Hi. Yeah, I’d really love to be part of the show because….Oh! Sorry….Junior’s bloody Digi Panda has POOED itself and it’s now hungry again.’

WHEN DO I GET MY BIG BREAK!!!!!

Whoever invented DIGITAL PETS is some kind of ‘ruin my life’ genius. Haha. You’re great! I need to shake your hand! I’m putting you in the same box at Cupid!

Like I haven’t been through enough already!?! Like I haven’t had life, chuck an obstacle in front of me, with every step i’ve taken through the years! Haha. I mean GOSH, if someone slid a banana peel my way, i’d slip on it!

But the JOY of it all is…THAT I LEARNT LESSONS. I learnt everything the hard way, yet FAST!

If you slid a banana peel at me now, it would look up, scream and roll itself away….

Don’t be a working single parent and buy two tamagochi’s for your kids, unless you are ready to drive yourself insane, for kicks. If you can handle it…Get to it!( If i’m being truly  honest, I’m TRYING to be sassy, BUT i’ve looked after  BOTH Digi Pets, ALL day so far, and i’ve actually loved it so much,that I might be addicted. It’s just not in my nature to ‘give in’ like that! That’s why Mr.Digi Pet inventor is a genius. My heart won’t let me stop! Lol. )

But back to ‘SASS…’

I stood in a puddle, in the terenchal rain yesterday afternoon, which filled the inside of my glitter, kitten heel , with puddle water. It nearly tipped me over the edge, however, I got on with life, with a smile. Lol. No wonder, i’m single!

Ruby: ‘Mum, you just need a wine…It’ll be fine. ‘

Hahah….I got over myself quickly and we as a lil’ family enjoyed MOVIE NIGHT, together. (It’s our Monday thing.)

Anyway….

Away from that…

I was chatting to Toby Olubi the other day. (Via DM, not in person.) You need to Google him, because I think he’s one of the most inspiring humans ever. He’s incredible and his story so far is movie worthy. I like people who tell their story freely. People who aren’t afraid to give life, a proper good go and create opportunities for THEMSELVES, even when they’re terrified.

Anyway, he’s on the Great Britain Bob sledding team for the upcoming 2019 Winter Olympics and his journey to that point, which is really only the beginning has been remarkable. He missed out on making the cut last time around. He never let that happen again.  He funded HIMSELF there by going on every tv gameshow that would have him. (Deal or No Deal, The Cube etc…All Sorts..)

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He even got shot out of a human canon ball, for crying out loud!!!

I watched him on ‘The Big Audition’ on ITV…Where he WON, the role as the new Fitness Presenter for ‘Ideal World,’ and it wasn’t the ‘WINNING’ OF THE MOMENT, that moved me. It was his face, his reaction…when they just looked at him and said, ‘Welcome to the team…’

It was really real…and when I read his story….I was in awe. That’s a great guy! He’s a POSITIVE BEING. There’s a likeability to him.

A phenomenal athlete.

‘1/4 of the fastest sled in history!!!’

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He used to be a teacher….

Toby: ‘ I like that you use correct grammar.’

Yet more importantly, he’s a go getter. A life trooper.He took HIS version of life, into HIS OWN hands, when it could’ve ALL  gone ‘doo lally.’ He never gave up….and HE SMASHED IT.  He’s a fun, determined soul.

I like people like him!

So, if you do anything today, please do take a moment  to Google him ( TOBY OLUBI) and read his story online. You’ll feel pretty inspired…and he’s only at the beginning of his life game…He’s done really well at bringing attention to the GB Bob Sledding team. I’m impressed.

Being me…I told him all this.

Chick friend: ‘Here we go…’

(I might have slipped a ‘handsome’ in also. Haha. I’m Northern. I’m human. What can I say! Let’s hope he doesn’t keep his shirt on for too long, in the Winter Olympic cold. I’ve never been more about Bob Sledding than I am now, in my entire life!! Before i’d be like, ‘Who’s Bob? 😉 )

The reason why I want you to remember him, is because you’re gonna hear a lot about him soon. I can feel it in my bones. Yet, the wonderful thing is that he deserves it and when people deserve a ‘pat on the back,’ it makes me smile.

(A friend of mine, who is doing well, and drilling his way into the limelight, recently decided to use his voice ‘for evil,’ as I call it. Y’know….when they start hating on everyone and everything for attention and making really drastic judgments upon people and groups, for a bit of ‘look at me.’I don’t like all that. I don’t think it deserves a ‘pat on the back,’ ever. It upsets me because the guy is actually pretty decent, in real life…However, when you are given a voice, surely you should try your best to inspire…not hate.)

I might be sassy, or sarcastic at times…Yet, I do it with a cheeky, cocktail dripped humour…a raw warmth. I’m not a harsh person. I’m candy coated..Yet my candy tastes like prosecco. Lol. All i want to do is inspire others, by telling my story. 10 years of CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM this year!

AS IF!!!!

Go check him out…

Toby Olubi….

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(Wait…my phones ringing… It’s an 020… number)

OH MY GOD!!! FINALLY!! I’VE JUST GOT THAT GOOD NEWS PHONE CALL!!!

EEEEeeeekkkkkk!!!!!

Dec 3rd…I’m back on the telly!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing But The Truth & Petty Flippin’ Fight Offs

Yesterday started off ace. I got my quiet time, with a ‘Katy P‘ who’s a really close friend of mine and I managed to feel ‘real’ again and not like a ‘product’ or project. I’ve been really stressed. But i’m back now. I’m back.

I guess, it gets hard at times, because I write a blog..this blog…which pretty much documents my life….almost like a written word reality show….I started it in LA, because I loved ‘diarying’ my life…as I lived it…It was only a hobby, just my version of ‘doing life’ and mainly my therapy…as my day job at the time was ‘glamour model,‘ which then turned into ‘reality tv.’

The blog came first…they were just things that accidentally happened to me, on my journey.

Years later….this ‘hobby‘…turned into a business…and my life…turned into work…as people all over the world started ‘tapping’ into Wunna Land. It kinda became a ‘show.’

An what I’m gonna say is that every single inch of me, couldn’t be happier with the way it all panned out. It’s like a dream. I get to do what I love…and that’s certainly something I regard as so precious. I’m incredibly grateful for it all. Not a little piece of me, will ever complain about it. In fact, I want MORE.

YET….sometimes (and anyone in entertainment or any form of ‘show’ like occupation) will know, that it can all get too much at times…it gets busy, everyone thinks they know everything about you….and you kinda just need to check in with ‘the reals,’ as I call them. (Which are your closest friends…family…or just have a moment to yourself.) 

That’s what I did yesterday with Kate….

This is what happened…

So we meet up accidentally, Kate’s just come from Pilates, I’m blogging, she decides to clear out a giant green caravan, that ‘once ready’ will be serving gin. Nothing coming out this caravan looked GINNY. (Obviously, i just supervised in the sun with a drink. I always say I was build for pleasure, not tedious labour.) 

In fact, everything coming out of this caravan looked like it was the entire contents of ‘Argos.’

Kate: ‘We have a heat lamp, some boxes, cables…tinsel…another heat lamp.’

If the process went on any longer, I swear she would’ve even pulled out an elephant, maybe Elvis, an ex boyfriend, Baby Jesus, Lisa Appleton and hungry donkey.

Long story short, she sacked it off and we did sunshine, gossip and ‘keeping it real,‘ as we chatted ‘wills,‘ guys, stalkers, our love lives, how we’d get married, if we did ever get married again and just basic shit really…Hours were passing…and I was loving it because we were literally throwing our heads back with insane laughter and it’s those moments, away from everything and everyone, that matter to me the most.

Then she calculated an entire humans finances in about 3.2 seconds, because she’s a whizz like that…and proceeded to make fun of me, as she just got on with her ‘own ting.’ 

Me: ‘Erm…why are ignoring me??’

Katy P: ‘What I’m organizing letters into the correct batches and spelling shit.’

I mean WTF, i’m an attention whore at the best of times. Fob me off for large glasses of wine or hula dancing, not SPELLING and organizing.

Me: ‘What are you even doing!!’

Katy P: I’m spelling out your love life, but I can’t spell BEYOND….’

Me: ‘As if you’ve just calculated an entire humans finances but you can’t spell BEYOND. Lol. That’s disgraceful. Hahah.’

Katy P: ‘Don’t start… I’m dyslexic.’

…and technically I can’t do sums…So I’ll give her that…and let her mock away at my life, right in front of my little Burmese face.

Just a great day in general….It felt all calm, yet fun. ‘Zen’ like…yet sassy. (If there is such a thing? Lol) Then, ‘JD’ and some a guy named ‘Martin’ with a dog, had walked in. They looked at us, like we were foolish.

And we are…

Then all was lovely. Fantastic afternoon. Life was bliss. I’d refueled and filled myself to the utter brim with love.

THEN…

As soon as I got home…an awful ‘busy body.’ You know what I mean? They’re the people in life, who have nothing better to do, nothing going in their life, aside from the everyday, mundane, same old ‘one foot in front of the other.’They’re the nosiest people. The most judgmental folk…and people who can only focus on ‘the little things that don’t matter,’ because there’s not much more excitement going on around them.

I got into an argument with ‘the busy body.’ It was played like a back and forth‘ …..over a plank of wood.

But who the ****has time to moan or argue about a plank of wood?

Do you?

I mean something else had happened, which was much more important during that time….and instead of finding any compassion…they worried about themselves and their wood.

I don’t like selfish people. Open ya goddamn eyes! Open ya goddamn heart.

Anyway, the pettiness of it, made me FURIOUS…I was FUMING. And by nature, I’m a relaxed person, I’m easy going…I’m patience…I’m warm…I’ll never be really mad, unless I’m absolutely passionate about something and people never know that about me, unless they’ve met me personally…The just assume i’m a bitch.

Regardless…

I couldn’t have been MORE PISSED OFF…and you pick ya fights, ya verbal bickers… don’t you? But I’d had enough…so I  went for it.

Literally ALL THE SASS and i don’t even care. I can’t stand narrow minded people. I was furious.

Anyway, I got myself into a merry tizzy and I was so cross, I filled up…and cried. Yipppeeee! Lol. However, I only did the crying part behind closed doors, as later on my mum came over and sat with me, just to make sure everything was okay.

Mum: ‘Just ignore her. She’s got nothing better to do. I know you feel like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders…but just relax and know that everything’s going to be okay. ‘

Me: ‘I don’t need another lecture, right now…’

Mum: ‘This isn’t a lecture! I’m your mum!! No one in this entire world loves you as much as I love you…and no matter what, I’ll stand by you. But you need to listen to me…

Me:’ I am…’

(I’m crying by this point…lol. But doing the pretending like i’m not thing…) 

And in that moment, as she went through everything, and I told her every inch of how I was feeling….a ‘magic’ swirled around us, a ‘magic’ that was build from unconditional love…and even though I felt like a little girl again…..within a *flash* I grew back up into WOMAN.

Always share strength….not weakness….and her strength is motivated by love…

In that moment, she made me realize how lucky I am…

(Oh shit, my phone’s ringing….)

 

Being A Bit Northern & Vents…

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Hope you survived the Bank Holiday! Lol. I’m actually SO glad it’s over, because after a week of ‘good times’ with friends and drinking, meshed in with having a job, where in which you are ‘booked out’ to blog at venues….which involves ‘good times‘ and drinking….followed by adding a lot of sunshine (which is always the devil, when it comes to prosecco pours..) and a flipping 3 day weekend for celebrate a day off work….THINGS CAN GET PRETTY MESSY. 🙂

*Reaches for her Bible, Rosary Beads and Holy Water…*

*Makes the Holy Water her mixer, wears the beads for insta likes and places the cocktail on the Bible.*

Tuesday is absolute BLISS. The sun is still out. Everyone else is back at their day job, i’m all on my own and loving every inch of RELAXING. I feel all calm and fabulous.

It’s days like this that you’re glad you’re a blogger and not having to check into on office for a shitty 8 hour shift. Pick a job you love and you’ll always be happy. Pick a partner you love and you’ll never feel lonely.

(Saying that, i’ve already done Barnsley and Sheffield this morning and it’s not even 10am. And I had to go the ‘side streets’ way, which annoyed me, because nothing is more boring that having to figure out 42 roundabouts. But i’m home now…and i’m all about easy work and chills.) 

So okay, I can’t remember too much of the Bank Holiday, not because I was trashed, because I wasn’t, it’s simply because so much seemed to happen, in such short space of time…that it’s all become one happy sunny blur.

(Oh and since my last blog where i stated I was looking for a handsome fun partner….I have been inundated with snapchat pics of guys showing me how fun they are Lol…or ones where they’re waking up in the morning…in bed? I appreciate the pics, even though I haven’t chosen to reply. Lol. And they’re great for perving on, when lonely. Yet, i’m such a hard person to try and snag….because i’m never gonna recieve a pic from someone i don’t know and think ‘Hey yeah, lets go out..’ ever…)

Anyway, I met up with my friend ‘Katy P,’ I went to school with her. We’ve known each other since we were 11…and well we talked boys, life, love…(she had a Yorkshire pudding wrap half way through it all)…and then we drank...EVERYTHING. 

Me: ‘Why you videoing me?’

KatyP: ‘Well why not?’

Me: ‘Your wrap looks suggestive and delicious.’

Katyp: ‘I love food that looks like a penis.’

The sun shone down upon Yorkshire, the beer gardens were filling up with boys in shorts, couples with wine and tables of girls.

A group of Ladies…so fun, looked like WAGS, definitely fabulous, definitely glamourous, came and parked their pretty selves at our table..and from that point, it happily went ‘down hill’ as we swept ‘being sensible‘ under the rug and just went with..

‘Who needs a prosecco…’

I loved these women because they were so down to earth, yet they’d taken the trouble to look AMAZING. All pouty lipped, with great hair, little dresses and full faces and glam. They were great! I mean we all got on so well, we were pissing ourselves, solving the world’s problems and then I started going on about how one of their friends hated me and once started a fight with me at the pub.

Me: ‘She just hates me and thought i fancied her man….But she totally went for me..She WENT FOR IT…and now she’s here…sat over there.’

A few drinks later, a wink and a secret natter, Claire (one of the ladies at our table) came strutting back up to the table, hand in hand with the girl who HATES ME and wanted to punch me for being a ‘patronizing bitch,’ and just like that…In a moment…everything got solved with a…

Girl: ‘Look, i’m really sorry…I was just upset..and well…’

Then we hugged. Then we hugged again because everyone kept making us…Then her lip started bleeding, because I have that effect of humans…and the ever glamourous Claire, came up to me, put her hand in mind and with a wink, (after I thanked her) whispered….

Claire: ‘Don’t be silly. No. You don’t need to thank me.  It’s alright though now..’

And how great was that! I love problem solvers. I was really grateful, because nothing’s more shit than feeling awkward around people.

Dawn: ‘I’m so glad you’ve hugged and made up because I tell ya, I’m related to her and if she touched you….she’d have me to deal with.’

I loved Dawn because she’s so glammy, yet still Yorkshire. She’s one of the most caring women, wrapped up in prosecco pours and sassiness. She’s insightful…and loves a good time. I mean she brought her son’s girlfriend ‘Hannah’ to the bar with her…who looked DIVINE ALSO and she couldn’t have been a better Mother in law. She’s someone that looks amazing, however is not one bit AFRAID of protecting what’s hers, voicing her opinion and standing up to someone, when her heart wants her to.

And I like that. It’s sassy!  Nothing is worse to me than the people who back down.

But the great thing about being a Northern girl, is that yes, we’re all ‘big hair, don’t care,’ tiny dresses and no coats in the winter…Lol….But you don’t mess with us. We’re the most down to earth girls on the map, but  we’ll turn around and tell you you’re wrong…when you’re wrong…without fear…and it will be delivered in it’s rawest form.

Then the lady sat next to Kate found a giant chunk of GINGER in her gin.

Lady: ‘It actually tastes lovely… But it does look like I have a massive potato wedge in my drink, Lol. I could save that, take it home and make a curry with it. Shave it into my tea. Here get me another, so i can make a full on meal with it. Hahaha.’

The sun shone, we started talking about the blog. I was encouraging little ‘Hannah’ to have more balls. I mean, if you looked like her and had her talent…You’d GO FOR IT. I never seen a more terrified hottie.

Me:’You’re not gonna get ahead with this beauty influencing or blogging thing, if you don’t put yourself out there. It’s about being ballsy. It’s about not caring what the haters thinks and it’s about building attention..’

Hannah: ‘But, I swear I used to come home from school covered in blood from being bullied every day… It’s my actual friends that hate on me…’

Me: ‘Use it as your motivation… because it doesn’t get better. You just learnt to cope better and you’ll go through a phase that is filled with *haters.* Yet I haven’t yet seen or heard a ‘hater’ that’s doing BETTER than the person they are hating ON. It’ll switch. Plus, there’s always a sense of class to those who end up being the successful…All the friends who hated on you, will one day turn around and tell everyone how they knew you….’

More drinks happened…Life took a twirl and we all had fun in the sunshine…getting drunker…and drunker…

Then something happened to ‘Katy P’ in the meantime…

Me: ‘Whats up? You look..’

Katy P: ‘I’m fucking furious…’

Me: ‘Well let’s go outside and talk about it.’

It was now the end of the night and day had turned to night and we sat on outside patio tables, in a silent air, as people ordered taxi’s into town.

And in that moment SHE VENTED. She had a ‘GO FOR IT’ vent. And having known Kate for such a long time, since being a kid at school, it was hilarious to watch her be furious. Lol.

Katy P: ‘STOP LAUGHING. YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT. Why are you taking someone else’s side..’

Me: ‘I’m not laughing. Haha. You just look cute…I can’t help it. I’m fully on your side… I’m just telling you what was said…because no guy has ever said that about me before and I think it’s sweet that…..

KatyP: ‘It’s not about sweetness, it’s about privacy and trust. I’ve known YOU since you were 11. I know everything about you..and I would never DREAM of betraying YOUR PRIVACY, or YOUR TRUST…Wouldn’t you just DIE, if you woke up one morning and found stuff all this crap in the papers…that you didn’t want people to know about. That’s how I feel. That’s what he’s done!’

Me: ‘You just need to relax. Lol. You’re angry and I get it. I get it. Haha. You just look cute…when you’re angry…’

(She started to giggle a little…because I was lightening the anger. I tend to always do that, unless I’M cross, then it’s all anger…….But then…hahaha.) 

Katy P: ‘NO. I AM JUST FURIOUS…AND NOW WE’VE RUN OUT OF FUCKING WINE. AND i’ve lost my fucking BANK CARD!’

Me: Just go get wine…I owe it you anyway…

I mean what are friends for if you can’t vent over ‘El Pico.’ Lol.

Then we chilled, we laughed, we giggled, we guzzled, we bantered, and just like that, girl magic was restored…

Now, i’m feisty..but I’m calm. Yet, the reason why I was trying to de..sizzle ‘Katy P’ down was simply because we’re grown up girls….and we’re thunderous….We’ve been through lots, we know who were are, what we want…and what we stand for….But we’re good people. We’re fiercely loyal by nature…meaning trust and privacy, when requested is SO IMPORTANT to us.

So I understood..

However, the person who was in her firing line….isn’t emotionally grown yet…and the last thing she needed to do was….

EAT HIM ALIVE. Vent on me..not on him, because he’s not gonna be able to take it, a real life verbal battering of home truths.

So yeah…i was sparing him. I let him run free, before he got eaten by the lions. 

The evening ended up being lovely and true friendship was made more solid over wine.

Messages were then sent to the appropriate people…and life went back to normal…

I did however, look to my left and see a grown boy cry….(I’m soft, so i’ll always feel sad when I see a boy cry. Kate’s not. She’s tough love…so if you’re crying, you’re crying for a fucking reason…hahah.)

Me: ‘Please don’t cry…’

Guy: ‘I’m not..it’s hay fever…

Me: ‘Erm…I’m not an idiot. I know you’re crying.. Hahah.’

Guy: ‘I haven’t cried like this in six years..’

Me: ‘Aww…yeah, but it’s good to get it out..’

KatyP : ‘They’re off to a house party…You might as well go with them…..’

 

 

 

 

Sunshine, Booty Shorts & Events in Leeds Tonight!

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Suns Out! Guns Out! Strut. Wink. Trout Pouts! 

I’m in such a good mood because I feel like there’s a *sizzle* in the air, a little peeky of fun, seems to be a swirling around us today. Can you feel it?

(Try again. Close ya eyes. You can feel it now, right?)

The sky is blue. The sun’s meant to be out from this afternoon onwards. And well… in my world, this means that the only thing left to do, is to reach for your booty shorts, hair toss a ‘curly blow‘ and paint your kitten nails red!!!

Yeah! Yeah! Doll Faces!

(I’ve already actually done ALL of the above. I did it as soon as I woke up.. Then I reconsidered my outfit, because It read ‘Vegas,’ not ‘School run.’ I got changed, did a school drop off…and re visited ‘glamour pussing’ as soon as I swung back into my home. I wish I swung in on a chandelier. 

No such luck.

Whatsapp Msg

Miss. Murphy: ‘Do the boys wear long socks with shorts? I don’t think I have any!!’

Me: ‘Juniors just in trousers today…because I forgot to buy shorts. ;)’

Snapchat Msg

Firmonnell: ‘I need to call you on my lunch. I need to talk to you.’

I think we both cried last night? I’m not sure, if she did?  If you don’t know, ‘Firmonnell’ is my best chick friend…and I definitely cried to Hollyoaks yesterday…which I found really awkward. If that happened, I’m certainly sure, that across town, ‘Firmonnell’ was doing the same. We really do get ‘hormonally emotional’, around the same time.

Being a girl rocks.

Anyway, things are really busy in Wunna Land right now. My April is slammed. And like I said, I’m being a shitty ‘be there,’ friend, as one minute i’m here, the next minute i’m there…

Infact…i’ll tell….

It’s a train ride to London, a flight through to Spain, a school run check in, 3 meetings back in Leeds, whilst loving and adoring the kids, yet making an event here, not being late for an event there, learning lines for an audition on Skype, but showing up for an audition in person…sitting through a conference call…emailing back a tv company…and then getting through twenty five shoots…. in two days and a half days.

I wouldn’t have it an other way though. I feel really lucky right now. Not just lucky as in ‘blessed.’ Lucky as in ‘i’m rolling that dice and winning it baby.’

I’m sort of in the very early stages of what I like to call the COMEBACK ‘MAGIC.’ But for the first time….

I can actually FEEL IT…..

AND THAT *MAGIC* IS WHAT I WANT TO PASS ON.

I mean, you might think the above ‘busy’ paragraph is a nightmare. It can be. But to me, it’s perfect. It’s all I ever wanted to do, all I ever loved as a career and the one thing that keeps me balanced.

Keeps me alive. I get an incredible buzz off from it all.

People choose their own paths and I guess, I just didn’t want to be sat on my arse, in an office all day, for hardly any money, doing everything that I HAD to do, behind a pleasant fake smile, yet nothing that I WANTED to do…and as the yeeeeeears pass me bbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Time really does fly. Do not forget that!

To some people the ‘office, years pass me by‘ is their ‘awesome,‘ it’s ‘gangsta,‘ it’s a reason to crack open the champagne. And that’s great, because we all have different stories to celebrate.

To me…it’s DULL. I mean, I’d rather feed goats for 92 hours…and I hate farmyard animals, after once being head butted by a Billy Goat Gruff. Lol. 😉 I remember being so cross because it made me drop my Solero.

Don’t fuck with a Yorkshire Girls Ice Cream!

Anyway, I’m glad the sun’s out because i’m at an event this evening, in Leeds. It’s at the ‘Weaves & Waves‘ hair salon, on George Street, as they catwalk out their new line of wigs.

I love the local city events, in salons, or boutique stores. I think they’re kinda cool, because they’re usually all canapes and prosecco pours… over pleasantries….You’ll scan the room and it will be filled with popular city faces and littered with reality tv personalities, all taking selfies with one another and creating insta stories for kicks.

I love it. 😉

And out of everyone, I have THE BEST job, because I get to show up…do the Reality TV/ Modelly ‘ting’…But at the same time, get to scan, chat and absorb everything going down, for a BLOG.

So i’ll either zone in on one person…or do a little bit of everything. It depends on what happens really? But that’s the exciting part of the job….because you just never know…..until it’s actually happening to you. be It good for bad. Lol

BUT THE SUN IS OUT…WHICH ALWAYS MEANS RECEPTION DRINKS, FLIRTS AND REALLY GOOD TIMES.

No matter what, I’ll have a blast! Well…if my shirt dries. I forgot to wash it, so i’ve had to plonk it in this morning and dry it on a radiator. 🙂 (So glamourous.)

And i’m not going all ‘see through’ dressy. I’m doing a blue & white boobied, pinstripe shirt.. demin booty shorts and heels.

Bit of boob. Bit of leg. Suns totally out.

Knowing Yorkshire, the air’ll probably smell like barbeques. Lol. One bit of sun and everyone rocks down to Morrisons for bargain meat and cans of ale.

I think i’m getting my face done…and then Pitstop Rentals, the best chauffeuring service ever, will be picking me up and driving me to the event!

 

 

 

 

 

Rebel Just For Kicks & True Love….

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Ooh, i’m a sassy one today! I’m feeling rebellious, cheeky….fun! I’m wanting to be a nuisance, just for the glorious sake off and although it always ends in tears…..I just can’t help myself. If you can’t have a bit of laugh, then what have you got left…but rum? Exactly!

Chicky Mazza: ‘You are far too feisty today Wuns!’

‘Aaron The Pap‘ has already bollocked me for being a ‘Word Thief.‘ Lol.

Aaron: ‘Hahahaha! Sassiness on you at this hour, WORDS THIEF.’

But technically, you can’t teach a girl to COPYRIGHT EVERYTHING, not copyright your own words…and then moan because I stole them.

The words I stole, from his Paparazzi hands…were…

‘…AND SHIT!’

🙂 No one’s swag enough to own those words.

Today. I basically decided to force Lisa (as in ‘Appleton,’) who we know if a really good friend of mine, to have a MASSIVELY GIANT, birthday party, because she turns FIFTY, next month. She’s having surgery, so it will kill her to party, but it’s all about ME really…and I need an excuse to drink more.

Yippppppppeee!

I thought it would take me ages to persuade her…(I didn’t, at all, I don’t know why my fingers are typing that… I’m highly persuasive and she loves a good time.)

It took 3 minutes.

It was literally as easy as peeing into a bucket. (Which is you’re a girl, is not that easy at all? Why am I chatting shit? Lol And why do I have this disturbing image of me sitting, doing a wee…on a giant orange bucket???) 

Anyway, I won’t rest until she jumps out of a cake…or if we have a Tiki party…a flipping pineapple. Xfactor Liam (Halewood) has suggested that all cocktail sticks are made out of sausages or something? Lol. Oh no, wait? He said pickled onions on sticks and that he likes ‘bangers.’ 😉 (My fingers keep lying.)

But you get it. Today, I’m a cheeky swine of a glamour puss! And I’m loving it.

Rebel me this. Rebel me that!

I met up with another good friend of mine ‘Big A’ yesterday. He owns the High Fashion & Culture Magazine ‘House Of Solo’ and we always have a pint and gossip, usually about our love lives….then we decide to work. We chose ‘Ego’ as our banter hideaway…because it’s basically the closest and I watched him put Issue 7 together…( I like watching people work.) He was deciding if he’s going to shoot Rita Ora and Zayn Malik for the cover. (Hard life.)

We got talking all sorts and I showed him the Tattoo that I have on my inner right arm, that reads…

‘March.’

Me: ‘It’s the last name of a guy in LA. Lol. He was my bestfriend. His last name is March.’

Big A: ‘WTF!’

Me: ‘Anyway, finish off ya story? What were you saying about that drama, cos I think, if a Dude has to reach for PLAN C, then he’s got no hope! What happened to Plan A & Plan B??’

Big A: ‘They didn’t work. It was crazy. How was Spain?’

Me: ‘I’m going to an event on Wednesday evening. Weaves & Waves. I’m waiting the new wig line drop…Love Island, ‘Emma’ is hosting it. It’s in Leeds. Why don’t you come?’

Big A: ‘Yeah, I’ll try to. I’ve got a shoot in London…But…*looks at his phone..* Yeah…I think I can do it.’

Me: ‘Why is *************** ruining everything!’

Big A: ‘I don’t know? He’s being such an idiot.’

Me: ‘It’s because he’s got a fairly new girlfriend and she’ll hate me. It’s flipping WORK. We’re mates! We don’t flipping date!!!’

He worked…I DRANK EVERYTHING! And I couldn’t really tell if I was drinking everything because I was stressed and hormonal, or just wanting to celebrate….ANYTHING? 

Anyway, well done to all of you who took my advice and decided not to be dull. Don’t be scared to embrace life and don’t let the art of what other’s think of you destroy your ‘good time.’ They’re doing their own version of life…and just because it’s different to yours, it doesn’t mean it’s better..FOR YOU. I love it when we appreciate the differences in others. I hate when people drivel on about ‘blah.’ (Kinda like I do…for a living. 😉 )

Chick Friend Tiger Stripes: ‘Is your new thing accents? I’m sure all the guys that you’ve fancied over the last few years, have all had accents…’

(I’m calling her ‘Tiger Stripes’ because she didn’t rub in her fake tan very well. 😉 )

Me: ‘I don’t have a *thing,* I just..I don’t know…? I like SOME accents. I like it when they’re going grey a bit. I’m not quite  sure I should be trying to preach anything *dating.* But i’m happy right now, with the way life is, so stop trying to make me feel shit. lol’

I guess, love to me is teaming up with a best friend, lover and  hero….through the entire ‘thick and thin‘ of it all and still over the years, no matter what, feeling crazy about them every moment of every day.  I didn’t get married every time because I was an idiot. I got married every time because I believed in love.

I remember a time when I was really upset,, years ago…but playing it ‘happy’ and my old school friend ‘Wazza’ (who can see through everything and hosts this blog,) stopped me and quietly said, in the middle of his own wedding reception..

‘Don’t worry about it Chrissie. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just trusted him…. and that’s okay because you SHOULD be able to trust your husband. Honestly… I’m picking ya next husband. Lol’

And in that moment, my heart broke into a million pieces, but being me, I smiled, laughed it off and wished him the most beautiful wedding day….

[Oh wait….One of the loveliest bartenders at the bar i’m at right now, has just sauntered up to chat…Once sec…]

……………………………………

…………………….

Okay! I’m back. he just wanted to know how Spain went! I love it when people *pause* for a bit of banter with me. It’s fun. Most people walk by pretending they haven’t made eye contact with me and then start giggling.

I got this weird message the other day, from a guy, who i’d regard as a friend, because he used to be WITH  a really close friend of mine, for years. He’s been really inappropriate and he’ll send me the most bizarrely suggestive messages. He doesn’t care if I ignore him or knock him back (EVERYTIME,) he just keeps going, like it’s all just normal and dandy.

It’s not. I’m a really loyal friend. I just think it’s incredibly wrong. Why do guys do that? I even responded with a…

‘No, I just don’t like you like that mate…’ (And I hate that because it makes me feel rude. But to be honest, he’s being rude…Men are meant to make other women FEEL like a million dollars…not weird and awkward.)

Tiger Stripes: ‘Y’know, you NEED a guy to step in and make YOU feel like a million dollars. I don’t think you’ve ever had that. I think you’ve always looked after men. In fact, I actually think, as sassy as you are, you’re actually too good to them…and they take the piss. I also think you push them away.’

Me: ‘I really need ice in my wine…I’m gonna go ask for ice.. I’m not talking dating with you right now. I can’t concentrate because your tan stripes are confusing me.’

I’ve just got another message from a Wunna Land fan..it reads…

Fan: ‘I want to taste your sweetness..’

It tastes like vodka.

Anyway, i’m off, I can’t be bothered to type anymore. I want my wine. Summer feels like it’s on it’s merry way and that alone makes me happy. I love it warm. If you can’t shake maracas and dance to the beat of bongos. …(In LA, I once climbed an entire wall, in an evening dress, at a house party, simply to reach the bongo players, who were placed in some designer wall cove. They got fired because of me. 🙁 They let me play their bongos.) 

…What i’m trying to say is…

JUST HAVE SOME FUN, EH! It’s APRIL!

Tiger Stripes: ‘Are you missing ‘The Swirl.’

Me: ‘…………….yeah.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get Me To Spain & Ronaldo Beach Towels

Happy Wednesday, my gorgeous whips of lick festival! That’s it. I’m on holiday mode. I’m feeling the chicas and shaking the maracas and booty grinding to my mirror image, to any ‘holiday memory’ song that will have me.

I’ve worked so so hard this year and in fact all of last year…I’ve worked so hard… I could die. I’ve jiggled and juggled and mummied and selfied. I’ve wiggled and waddled and written every piece of my life out for my own settle of mind and for your own delicious entertainment. There’s been great times, hard times…jollies and stress…Right now, I don’t care….Get me to Spain. I fly tomorrow morning.

I AM NOT IN PANTS. SAFETY LAST!

In fact, if i’m being honest, i’m currently sat up in bed blogging and feeling ridiculously IMPRESSED, with how WELL my tan has developed from last night. Yes, I know I’m Asian and already tanned. Yet, before a bit of ‘bikini’ and because i’m a bit of a Glamour Puss…

*Flashback* Guy: ‘Everyone wants a shot at the glamour puss.’

…I do like a quick fake over, to make my tan McJuicy. I used the Model Co, ‘One Hour Tan Mousse’…

Image result for model co one hour tan mousse

and I’m always really skeptical about fake tans, because I always figure they’re just gonna wash completely off and not be dark enough for me. But i’ve woken up impressed. So GET ME TO SPAIN NOW.

I couldn’t sleep all night. I don’t know why? I’ve flown a lot, but I don’t like flying and airports stress me out. I was up at 4am stroking ‘Rocco’ my kitten (that sounds rude..it wasn’t that fun….that ‘stroke’ was yesterday 😉 ) and did what I normally do, when I can’t sleep and that is..

GOOGLE EVERYTHING. (Apart from myself. I hate doing that because all the pictures are really old and cringe.)

So, on my Google agenda at 4am, was every celebrity…’on the beach.’ Lol. (Yes, I am that sad. Some people Google ‘World Peace,’ I Google ‘beach bodies‘ and I’m okay with that.)

I went with ‘The Kardashians’ obviously, as they calm my soul in bikinis at 4am, when i’m stressed. I even watched an Oprah interview with them all.

Then I don’t know how I got onto it….(I Googled it 😉 )….But I ended up with ‘Cristiano Ronaldo on the beach’ shots. Lol. AGAIN, what a good find at 4am in the morning….It was SO good that I may have become moderately obsessed with his beach shots. I found myself rating his ‘old school’ look, against his ‘new school’ look.

HAHAHAHA. Why am I a tool?

This is why I need to sleep. This is why I need to grow up. This is why my 7 year old daughter Ruby says,

‘Why does everyone else at school have a normal Mum and I have one that’s like a teenager. You’re like a child.’

The most hilarious part of this Google search was that I ended up at this…

Image result for cristiano ronaldo beach towel ebay

The Cristiano Ronaldo beach towel on ebay. Lol. It could be yours for the bargain price of 30 quid. So I did what any normal girl would do…(no, I didn’t buy it…which reminds me I haven’t packed a towel for my holiday yet,) Instead, I *screenshot* it and Snapchatted it to my girl bestie ‘Firmonnell’ who I was messaging last night, with a caption that read…

‘Nothing makes me happier than this towel… Happy Morning!’

The good thing about ‘Firmonnell’ is that she knows I’m an absolute plank, and will just go with it anyway. (Probs because I can get us free cocktails.) And she replied this morning with simple ‘laughy face’ emojis….meaning..

I MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY. (And that like any other normal human being, she can’t be arsed to type before 7am.)

I’m an early bird, so even if I CAN sleep, i’m still up at the crack of dawn. I like to get the most out of my day. Like, I honestly don’t know how people ‘sleep in‘ until noon and slob about eating bacon sarnies, whilst trumping, wondering where life has gone.

Am I in Spain yet? No? Okay cool…

Right, technically, I should take this moment and I do want to take this moment to…

THANK EVERY SINGLE HUMAN AND OR COMPANY…

..That has send me a treat for my holidays. I have been inundated with gifts, products, services and from brands all over the land…and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful. I really, truly appreciate it and I can’t believe how lucky I am. You’ve made me feel really special and in return, I’ll blog, picture and snap the ‘jollies’ out of your products, whilst I’m away. Thank you ever so much. Honestly…I will make sure that they are all over my ‘socials’ throughout my time in Spain.

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Here are a couple of my treats from companies Mirror Image Style (mirrorimagestyle.co.uk) and @Mishmashfashionuk (mishmashfashion.co.uk) 

Thank you so much. I’ve tried them all on and they are divine. In total I have 22 bikinis….and you’ll all be rocking this blog and my socials shortly. I’m gonna look ‘Queen’ because of you.

I’ve literally spent the last entire week in bikini fitting, after bikini fitting. Followed by hair piece fitting, after hair piece fitting….It’s been crackers. Yet, I appreciate it all. I feel so lucky. (It makes an old bird smile. 😉 ) 

I also want to thank ‘Pitstop Rentals, Leeds’ (they’re actually everywhere, all over the North, not just in Leeds) which is a LUXURY/PRESTIGE super car rental and chauffeuring service. I love them so madly and well they will ‘new whipping’ my arse to the airport.

But you’ll all see pictures of everything…as I’ll be placing them everywhere. Make sure you’re following my ‘social’s and stories.’

The diets been going well…I’m still Herbalifing and i’m on Week 4. My body’s changed quite a lot and i’m enjoying feeling a little bit more in shape…and at 37 with two babies…who flipping doesn’t. It’s given me a new lease of life. It made me feel really great! So, i’m certainly doing better for it. I did have someone ‘hate’ on me for doing it, yet mainly because they wanted to indirectly promote their own  fitness/nutrition brand all over my wall….

I’ll tell you now. The best way to promote something, is not to ‘hate’ on something or someone else, and place it all over a seemingly popular persons wall to gain audience. As soon as you do. I’m not interested. And I understand that it wasn’t the brand itself, it was someone trying to promote the brand…Yet, they properly went about it, the absolute wrong way. I mean, they even ‘hated’ on the person or people who introduced me to such….and you don’t even know who that was?

I’m a glamour puss. We’re not rude around here. We’re real…in diamonds. Let’s play bouji.

Bottom line, the reason why I decided to initially Herbalife was  simply because I saw a body transformation selfie on the Insta profile of a really good friend of mine. He looked amazing. In fact really great. I was personally really impressed….I was SO impressed that it INSPIRED me to want to get back into shape and start feeling extra great.

I spoke to that person…and they helped point me in the right direction…that’s how I ended up here.

Life works via word of mouth, or by the way you choose to cultivate a rapport, with someone. They didn’t ‘hate’ on my wall to promote something because they didn’t have to. They’re classier than that. Instead they showed their own result…which celebrates an achievement..which ended up with ME *tapping* on their door with a ‘help me.’ By all means, mention someone and be lovely about them…Everyone adores that….Yet, just do things correctly….It’s classy and sassy baby boo.

SIMPLES….

It’s funny because I always say, that everything in life, is all about how something makes you FEEL. Nothing more… nothing less.

We react to how the littlest or even biggest things MAKE US FEEL and the only things that can truly make us FEEL, are other things that can FEEL also.

A bit of a preach there for you. 😉 I’m not saying lets all be kind to one another and wear party hats, whilst we sway to boyband love songs. That’s not human nature. We’re all different.

What I AM saying, is let’s be flipping REAL here, instead of dickheads.. Bottom line, don’t hate on another brand on my wall, simply to promote your own. 😉 It is definitely bad manners.

Hahah. I’m over it now. Life was better when I was Googling Ronaldo beach towels at 4am.

I love life. I adore experience. To me, it’s what life is about. And yeah I’ve done some really outrageous things, during my existence so far, that have placed me in really sticky situations. (But I definitely blame the boogie and Hollywood for them. A tremendously surreal place to grow into an adult.)  I’ve always been a ballsy one, a life liver, a wild one, who is never afraid to ‘DO ME.’ And yes, i’ve definitely mellowed out at 37, when it comes to the wild antics, yet not when it comes to TRUE SPIRIT. I’ll always do what i love and what I want. And I never feel like I want or need to explain or justify them…as I’m living my own version of life.

When life dishes out crazy bad/exciting times, and you get caught up with the fine art of mistake making… (I did this a lot in my 20’s and I am proud to say that I haven’t mistake made in YEARS now..) to me it’s all about the LESSONS YOU LEARN. And if a real lesson HAS been learnt, than I am pretty fine with having that experience. I don’t worry about how I got here. I concentrate on where i’m at now….

Everything happens the way it’s supposed to…and we always find out why in the end…

GET ME TO SPAIN!

Here’s a tune to put you in my Holiday mood. (I did all my fittings to this yesterday, as the children made Zebra’s, which Junior still thinks is a Giraffe out of random Wunna Land. Arts & Crafts bits.)

I might not have chance to blog before I land on Spanish soil tomorrow afternoon…So please do follow my ‘Socials’ and Stories.

Love you lots,

Chrissie x


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friends, Wine, Gingers & *C* Bombs

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Morning! Gosh! It’s such a busy time. I’m running around like a topless 😉 chicken, trying to get everything dished, dashed and sorted. It’s absolute mayhem. But, what can I say, I’m loving it. (I never take for granted how lucky I am.)

There’s a lot going on right now and yeah, it can feel stressy and yeah, yesterday I felt like I didn’t have the positive support that I needed…But today’s a new day…I’m breathing, I’m smiling and i’m sat blogging this in a giant faux fur, knee high boots, diamante danglers and with heated rollers in my hair!

THAT MY BITCHES…IS GLAMOUR PUSSING. We’ll call it *EXTRA.* 😉

Anyway, that last Sunday, I ended up meeting ‘Poggy’ at The Carleton for a couple drinks…without my bank card. (I have it now. Life is bliss.) The guy she wanted to maybe go on a date with was busy, yet instead, a different guy had waited all night until his guy friends had each left, then approached her with a…

‘I was waiting for them to leave, so I could get to chat to you….’

They ended up on a ‘date.’ So, even though it’s ‘early days,’ I guess everything happens for a reason. You get what you’re meant to get…and life sort of times things correctly for you. You’ll be surprised at how many things do actually fall into place. It’s magical and like I always say, it’s a ‘magic’ we can’t control.

I never use timing as an excuse. You meet people because you’re meant to meet them..even if right away that second, you have no clue why? It’s always for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You’re paths will keep crossing, until all life elements are correctly in place, and you’ve figured out your connection.

Barmaid to Poggy: ‘He’s the kinda man who will kiss you when you need to be kissed and slap you when you need to be slapped.’

That Sunday night ended up being wilder than I thought? So much fun. Good friends, new memories and all around a table…as day turned to night.

There was laughter, wine and sarcasm as it’s finest…and as always, we definitely got carried away. You can’t get us started with banter, in the name of wit and ‘Being Yorkshire’ we go for it.

I went to school with ‘Poggy’ and she’s been a good friend of mine for years. We were actually laughing over the fact that our ‘careers teacher,’ stated that she would become a marine and that I would become a florist, after we answered a couple of personality questions. Lol.

Poggy: ‘How the F*** did they come up with that!!’

Me: ‘I must have just said I like flowers and pretty things and you must have said that you…’

Pet Laura: ‘Like to kill things…Lol. It’s like The Hunter & The Vajazzle.’

(‘Pet Laura’ is a Dog Groomer. She found herself at our table, wishing she was in Africa, bottle feeding tigers, or something? Then she had gin.) 

One gin down and she was naming our vagina’s after ‘Harry Potter’ spells. I distinctly remember looking up and for some reason ‘Poggy’ and ‘Pet Laura’ were doing these weird hand actions and refering to their ‘lady parts’ as..

HUNTER.

(Mine’s not a ‘Hunter,’ mines just tired. Hi, True love! Where are you? Please find me.)

Poggy: ‘I think that because you have such a busy life and a busy life online, you would always need a man who is chilled. Someone who gets on with it and takes that stress away…’

Me: ‘Yeah, I don’t like a stressy man. I don’t like them to come with a bundle of emotional issues… I don’t like things to be complicated. I don’t have time to unfold, mend or cry into wine anymore.’

Y’know, everyone always thinks i’m picky when it comes to love and I’m not picky as in ‘fussy,’ i’m just happy and when you’re happy….you sometimes wonder whether you need to invite another human in? But then I think, I’m gonna need someone to carry heavy bags and do the bins, aren’t I? 😉

So, yeah, I should probably team up with a fella and do ‘lifetime’ sometime shortly.

I just don’t want to invest in a ‘fling’ at 37. I can’t be arsed. I’m not excited by them. I’m too old for that I’ve ‘flung’ all the way through my 20’s, hoping that it would always be forever. Each time I got it wrong. Even after ‘I doing it’ three whole times!

What I’ve learnt, is that I don’t need to worry about it. YOU don’t need to worry about it either. Girls always worry about it. I never do.  I have absolute faith, that no matter what, the man who truly loves me, because he can’t help it, (banter, winks, diva strops and all)….will come get me. (I shouldn’t have used the word ‘get’ it makes it sound like he’s gonna kidnap me and throw me in the back of a van.)

But you get what I mean….innit! 🙂

All I have to do, is ‘sit pretty,’ get on with life…and wait. Cupid an I are mates now. He doesn’t mess with me. I don’t mess with him. It’s simples. Plus, Girls shouldn’t chase boys. We shouldn’t have to. I enjoy the traditional art of the ‘dude coming forward.’

Annnnnyway… (I totally got distracted…)

That Sunday…day turned to night and the bright blue skies, were slowly blanketed with a navy sheet, that almost swirled in a grey mist, littered with stars. (I don’t actually know if there were stars out?? Lol. I’ve made that bit up.)

‘Pet Laura’ had left and just as she did, the outside door swung open and out popped ‘Parsons.’ (She’s a friend of a friend, who is ace, because whenever she’s drunk, she gets really gobby and starts doing hand stands and rollie pollies everywhere.)

The tempo changed to that good old, loud, cracking, fast Northern, naughty, foul mouthed, BANTER.

IT WAS GREAT! (I cannot even repeat what was said.)

‘Parsons’ enjoys to use the *C* bomb, which I always find hilarious. She’s such a free spirit. Such a wild, loud, laugh! In fact, she loves the *C* bomb so much, that she even delivers it in melody.

Everything at this point turned into a blurry, fun, wine drenched haze. And a red ‘outside heater’ glow, surrounded us. It nurtured us. It kept us safe. It obided to he rules of The Wine Gods.

Now, ‘Poggy’ and ‘Parsons’ got on really well…They have swimming in common. They want to swim everywhere together. They want to travel the world and swim through valleys.

It was like one of those moments when you first meet someone in a bar, but you’re both pissed, think you’re best friends and plan holidays together! 🙂

Me: ‘You’re definitely not going to swim together.’

Parsons: ‘Everyone thinks i’m fat. But i’m actually a really good swimmer.’

(Then she did ‘swimming arm’ demonstrations at me.)

Me: ‘I only do breast stroke with my face above the water, so it doesn’t ruin my face.’

Anyway, they had some unique ‘hoe’mance’ going on. They loved each other and mocked ‘Parsons’ ginger husband, who was definitely stood, pressing the ‘heater on’ button every 10 seconds.

Poggy: ‘He’s like The King of The Gingers.’

Me: ‘But he’s not even ginger? You can’t be The Ginger King…when you’ve got brown hair? Surely that’s not a title you can take?’

Parsons: ‘He IS ginger. I’ve got a ginger kid and i’m a brunette. I love you *Poggy,* you’re like a blond version of me… in a polo neck.’

(Now, i’ve just looked at my blog notes from that evening and I’ve typed ‘Fast pass to brown hair,’ after that piece of ‘polo neck’ statement. However, I have no clue, what that means now? Lol. All I remember was looking up and seeing the girls bickering over who had said the ‘funniest’ thing..)

‘Why have you put that down. I said something WAAAY MORE FUNNIER THAN HER and that SHOULD MAKE THE BLOG.’

All got really drunk. All had a lot of fun. I got stopped a couple times, that evening by the occasional Geordie and people who love my ‘Blog/Influencey’ stuffs.

I absolutely bantered with you all. But I was far too drunk to dish out advice, which is what everyone was asking me for. 🙂

I’ve received your DM’s though…So, i’ll try and swizzle in some time to meet and inspire. (I appreciate the love.)

Message me again, in case I forgot. There’s not such thing and reminding me TOO MUCH. I love ‘people reminders’ as I often get lost in work load and jiggery pokery.

Right, I’m off. I’ve got the babies and a lot to try and organize. Things have been so jam packed, that it’s been hectic. I fly to Spain in 7 days. Thursday morning.

I’m kinda really looking forward to getting away for a few days by myself, just to relax and finally get that ‘chill’ time in,  that I never seem to prioritize.

It’s been a busy first part of the year…and sometimes I feel like i’m running as fast as I can, but on the spot. Lol.

What I need right now, is to relax…a wine….and a result.

(Things are never that easy though, are they?)

Kisses,

Chrissie,

 

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When you totally lose ya purse….

Today’s meant to be a ‘What Chu’ Know ‘Bout Me’ blog, where I answer your questions…But it’s not because i’m stressed. Lol.

I’VE LOST MY PURSE!!!!!

I can’t find it anywhere? One minute i’m watching children in Easter bonnets….The next minute, I’m travelling to my first meeting of the day….I’m messaging ‘Miss Murphy’ about ‘Challenge Winning‘….I finally arrive at my destination, unzip my handbag, have a quick reach in….

PURSE ISN’T IN THERE.

*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*

There’s a positive to all this, I’m sure. I just haven’t found that jolly bit of ‘silver lining’ yet. If you find it, Uber it to me, cos i’m reeeeeaching….

FUCKS SAKE!!!!

I’ve called everywhere, looked most places…I have no one other human to blame it on…Lol..So i’ve decided to be stressed. 🙂

HURRAH!

How can a day that started off with happy Easter Bonnet watching, turn into ‘Missy No Purse???’ 

The good thing is that I still have my phone. That’s good, right?? If in doubt, SELFIE IT OUT. AND, i’ve ordered a water….which is also a merry positive, right? No extra calories for meeee.

*WOW. RUN OUT OF SILVER LININGS.*

I have a truck load of meetings today, Ruby has a ‘Play Date’ over after school and later on this evening, I meant to have quick chick drinks…With my imaginary money… 🙂

Why is life being shit to me?? Lol.

Weirdly, I feel okay now that i’ve had a VENT. I just keep thinking that i’m going to look in my handbag and it’s going to magically appear…because that’s how things happen, right? People keep trying to help me look for my purse, (lol) which I do truly appreciate…

Yet, it’s like when someone asks you for a pen and you know you don’t have one at all, but you pat yourself down anyway….to pretend that you’re attempting to find one. 🙂

But, I’ll live….(with my water…) I’ve been in worse situations….(Read yesterday’s blog. 😉 )

However, I’m off. This was just a quickie. Busy day. Thank you for all your questions. Lots of you have asked me the same thing and it’s always always about my love life….

Keep them coming, I’ll pick through them and answer as many as I can…and i’ll do it absolutely honestly…Unless, I feel like i need to lie. 🙂 Well, I won’t lie, I’ll just dance around it.

I was actually at an audition last year for a show, (THAT I GOT BTW..;) It just hasn’t aired yet… ) and as I was sat there, the director asked me a string of personal questions, which I’m usually really good at. I’m open. I’m chatty.

However, I think i must not find it easy to answer emotional questions, because whenever he posed a question, he stopped me, after I had confidently rambled on about all sorts, for about 20 minutes. I laughed. I joked. I was open and I dipped it in wit and charm…

Then he *paused* with his clipboard and said,

‘You’ve completely avoided the question…I’ve noticed that you’re really good at doing that….REALLY good at dancing away from answering the things that make you feel uncomfy. You do it so well…But like I said you didn’t answer my question, so i’m going to ask it you again….’

Then I did…

I cried. He cried….and then we pissed ourselves laughing because managed to get ourselves into such an emotional state.

See! Told you it was smarter to AVOID those bits at all costs. 🙂

Right, i’ve godda go…

Please send me ‘good vibes’ or a purse with all my stuff in it.

Keep sending me your questions…Tomorrow, I’ll answer them in a morning blog…

Kisses,

Chrissie x