Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.

Anyway…

The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’

Me: ‘What? OMG! SCRRRRREEEEEAMS…..’

BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!

 

 

 

Sneaky Peek With Clothes Show TV

 

I’m really excited that I get to be involved with The Clothes Show Live this year! It’s the 25th Anniversary of the event! WOWZERS! It’s the biggest fashion event of the year and it’s a piece of fashion history that will always be alive! I’m old enough to remember the TV Show, that swanned the likes of Jeff Banks. (For some reason I wanted to put ‘…and his seven dwarves’ after that and I have clue as to why?) But I also spent many a school trip and many a December each year at The Clothes Show. It truly is one of my favourites because like Sasha Wilkins stated at The Bloggers Breakfast..it’s accessible to everyone. You all get to live it, be a part of it, watch the shows, MEET the designers…spot the celebs, see the new bits of fashion and beauty that are headed into store in 2014 and enjoy the day like it was some kind of glamourous Disney land of all things stylish and beautiful. Great day out for EVERYONE. Friends, family…fashionistas!

And….

I get to cover it! YIPPPEEEE!

It’s a dream come true and i’m completely honoured and I keep going on about it simply because I can’ t believe it.

Along with the fashion, I don’t want you to forget about the BEAUTY. My thing is BEAUTY and I have my own line coming out next year. (It’s going well by the way, the bank transfers have been done and well the samples will soon be here in Wunna land.) So, there will be lots to enjoy for me at this event and i’m going to cover it thoroughly. I’m gonna be there EVERY DAY letting those of you who may not be able to manage the trip this year feel as though you also were part of the magic!

Can’t WAIT!

There’s only 16 days left until the event!

Last night on Twitter, The Clothes Show TV, sent me a little link to a  little surprise, where a few of the faces of fashion, media, Pr and beauty were asked 5 jolly questions, behind the scenes at The Bloggers Breakfast!

It went a little bit like this… (yes, i’m in it.)

There’s something about this event that is simple so exciting. There’s a luxury about it, with a twist of kitty cat joy and down to earth harmony. It’s wrapped in tinsel and the perfect place for any glamour puss to be spending her December.

You all should be going simply because it makes excellent Christmas Shopping AND it’s the 25th anniversary. The event goes down in history. Not to mention all the shows you get to watch! Plus, you get to see me there. 🙂 AND i’ll be scouring everything and everyone for the best of the best in fashion in beauty…in my own fun kitty cat manner. 🙂

I think on the first day, I’ll buy a few items and put them up for grab in a bit ‘Chrissie Wunna does The Clothes Show’ GIVEAWAY. I get to be The Santa of Fashion of Beauty and throw you a little Christmas magic.

You all need to be there!

SO EXCITED

Okay, so away from all that! Isn’t ‘I’m a Celebrity’ AMAZING!!! It’s one of my favourite shows on telly and every time this year I exercise my right to have a major crush on Joe Swash. We all do and we don’t know why? I’m thoroughly humoured by his cheeky charm and thought last nights episode of ‘Get me out of here now’ was BRILLIANT! I loved the TOWIE style date. I don’t think i’d gip if I had to eat a penis. 🙂

Loving the cast this year. Joey Essex is obviously going to be one of the stars. He’s hilarious without even knowing. I have a heart throbbing crush on Alfonso. (aka ‘Carlton Banks’) Especially when he cried. I love a man that can openly have a bit of a cry and it’s just the way he said, ‘that was just a lot more difficult than I expected.’ Awwww……….. My heart. My heart!

Amy Willerton, who went through all that drama with Katie Price, will now make a solid name for herself and well the cast is pretty damn great this year. I mean poor Rebecca. She is one of the BEST SWIMMERS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, which is a GINORMOUS ACHIEVEMENT and she still looks and wishes she that she looked like Amy.
Y’see that’s what women are all about. We’re all like that and it’s heart warming to see her open up. I’m loving it. My Mum is too..she keeps coming over to watch it with me.

 

Life is good right now. I’m sorting out the products for my line, but there are so many other things going on that i’m having to correspond with everyone and everything. It’s great though. I mean since being more positive, life has lifted up. I’ve cut EVERYTHING negative out of my life. I can tell a negative person straight away and well it’s important to make sure I keep myself away form all that. Right now, I’m glowing and everything is running perfectly. #happy