Tiki Bars, Exes, Massage Chairs & Anal Thumping…

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I keep having this recurring dream, where i’m in a Tiki bar (lol..ofcourse,) with the same faces, that I don’t know in REAL life, but know like best friends in ‘dream land.’ (Hahah. Don’t ask!) In this Tiki Bar, there are really exotically, lavish looking cocktails. The one I always see in my dream, is the one that comes in a ceramic,sort of zombie, hula dancer’talldrinky cup…and it ‘moonwalks‘ backwards, around the rim of peoples wooden Tiki tables, as they *wink* at strangers and I watch on.

That’s all normal.

(In my world.)

But last night, I dreamt that Mike, my first husband was there (in this Tiki Bar..He’d hate that) and we were falling back in love, but sexily. (I don’t love him, don’t worry. My dream just wanted me to.) We kept feeling it each other up lovingly and cuddling all the time? It was almost as if he was the ‘key’ to all my life happiness.

Then we went back to a dark hotel and had ‘dream land’ sex. But it felt like we were in New York, high in the sky. I remember looking out of a window that looked over the city. 

I got zapped out of that! I *blinked* and everything had disappeared. 

Then…

…all of a sudden ‘Boyband Jonny,’ who I used to date years ago, straight after the Hilton Show, *popped* up in my dream. He’s Gay now. In fact, he was Gay, all along. He just didn’t realize it, at the time, when he dated me. He mixed up fancying me, for simply finding me fabulous. I’m probably the only girl, he’s ever had ‘half sex’ with. He said, I broke his heart. I didn’t though. I was simply ‘key’ to him discovering himself.

I like Jonny, he’s cool. He was actually a great boyfriend. He wrote me a love letter, when I left in a taxi. I am extremely happy, that HE is happy now, he’s found himself and utter true love. 

I don’t mind an unfortunate bit of ‘heart break,’ if it’s helpful. 

HOWEVER…

I do hate it when my exes hijack my dreams!!! Especially,when i’m at a Tiki Bar, (do they not have dream land’ manners.) A Tiki bar, by the way, is my favourite kind of bar in the whole wide world. (If i could own one, I would. Yet, not for profit, just for kicks.)

I want to be able to have my heart broken, storm into my Tiki, BE pissed off, put on my hula skirt, and sip rum out of a flaming fired coconut, with a cocktail umbrella in my hair, as I  pull faces and cry.

I’d have to own it, simply because I wouldn’t want to get my ‘sorry, hula, ass’ up and pay my tab , whilst crying. I’d need Tiki minions for that.

It’d make ‘hearkbreak’ much easier.

I just can’t get away from being haunted by my exes. Why??

STUPID CUPID, you’re A REAL MEAN, guy.

I’m even getting tattoos shortly, to both celebrate and at the same time REMIND ME of things that happened to me this year…

AGAIN, I’ve had a big year of change and I need to remember it. I want to remember it. So I’m going to Tattoo it.

Ofcourse…Lol

(I haven’t had a tattoo in a million years.)

I was telling Ruby, in bed, last night…and even SHE *paused,* laughed and said..

‘Oh my GOD! Don’t get THAT ONE!!!’

She’s SEVEN! Hahaha. She looked at me like I was ‘whacked.’

Hurrah! Flaming Coconut Drinks for everyone!

Yesterday, I was doing bits of Christmas shopping, at The Frenchgate Centre, in Doncaster, and I decided to go on the ‘Put £1 in it’ massage chairs.

I love a massage.

I love a moment, where you can just hit *pause* and relax for a second, during the bustle. That’s why I used to love Prosecco Pit Stop. (Which no longer exists.)

Woe is me….

BUT, OH MY GOODNESS!

I haven’t actually been on a massage chair in YEARS. Let me tell you. They HAVE IMPROVED!!

I’m sat there, slightly awkward, slightly in public, slightly okay with it though. I’m used to winging an awkward situation and making it look glam. (Hilton taught me well.)

The money goes in the slot and HOLY SHIT, that CHAIR, MADE LOVE TO ME.

It caressed and moaned and rubbed and loved. It oozed. It cared. It romanced and it danced.

THEN…OUT OF NOWHERE…

THE massage chair STARTS ******* BATTERING ME. It starts PUNCHING MY BACK with glee. Then BASHING MY HEAD, FROM SIDE TO SIDE. (Haha.) It starts SQUEEZING THE LIFE, out of my little Asian ribs …and WORST OF ALLEMBEDDED IN THE CHAIR, MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANAL THUMPER…

HAHAHA…

SOMETHING KEPT RISING UP, IN THE CHAIR AND THUMPING ME UP THE BUM, BUM….

..REPEATEDLY!!!!!

HAHAHA.

I couldn’t make it stop and I kept having to pretend, everything was lovely, because I was in public and my daughter was stood next to me. LOL

Do I just have this affect on everything!?! Nothing can just LOVE ME FOREVER, without aggressively Anal thumping me? It started so ‘steadily.’ It loved me. IT DID!!! Then just went MAD and started being hateful or horny????

THEN, when the abused had finished, the chair went on to *SQUEEZE* by legs to death (and my legs are pathetic like Bambi…But luckily, it all suddenly *stopped.*

BUT my legs had got TRAPPED!!! (Hahaha)

WHAT THE ******* IS MY LIFE!!!

I thought the deal was that I only had to ‘suffer’ through the LOVE part of my existence…NOT the ACTUAL other bits of actual LIFE TOO!

ANAL THUMPING!

I put FIFTY SHADES TO SHAME.

Who needs, a RED ROOM? In fact, who needs a fucking husband!?!

I want another go!!!

Ruby was there trying to free my legs, but laughing so hard, she was in tears. MY MUM KNEW, bad stuff was going to happen to me, so instead of protecting me, she decided to FILM the horror.

I’m sure she’s secretly like, ‘I paid shit loads of money to put you through school, you WILL become a STAR, even if I have to FORCE IT, film it and get the insta likes FOR YOU!!’

Then I get home, needing 72 wines, a bit of calm and a spot of telly and all that’s on is a ‘Come Dine With Me’ episode with a Farmer, who has made everyone horny with BEETROOT, by fireworks and an ex body building Geordie, in a purple towel, who’s baked a pie?

I LOVE ‘COME DINE WITH ME.’ (I once got asked to go on the show, but didn’t go on it, because I didn’t want to cook for everyone…which obviously is the whole point. Haha.)

I don’t even cook for my own children, let alone strangers. (Ruby at 7, could probably be a fine dining, food critic, she’s eaten out THAT much.)

Bottom line, I was passing time before ‘X Factor,’ followed by a dose of ‘I’m a Celeb.’

After the massage chair, I wasn’t in the mood for watching pies being made…I either needed a documentary on GOD, TO heal my broken soul, like a prayer. OR just go the other way and find something on the lines of ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’

This time next week, I’m on FIRST DATES!!! 

I’M ON FIRST DATES, NEXT MONDAY!!!

I actually can’t wait to watch tonight’s episode. It’s almost like a starter, for my ‘next week’ main! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Naked, Horsey, Fun Time!

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So, i’ve quit being grumpy now, after a moment of ‘I miss Junior’ last night. 🙂 Rubes and I opted for girls night and flicked on ‘Santa Claus the Movie’ in bed, and simply because she couldn’t sleep and i figured that the magic of Christmas would make her better? I was wrong…she got bored with it and because she weirdly isn’t sold on the whole ‘Santa is real’ thing. AWFUL! I KNOW!!! I mean, she’ll go along with it, just to humour you. But she really REALLY just knows he’s just a bloke in a red suit working for £9 an hour. Lol. I have no clue how she knows…but she does.

Luckily, her hunger for new faux fur boots got the better of her, so she slept well knowing that I had purchased her a pair of lilac ones that she was able to wear to nursery in the morning. 🙂 I loved last night..and yeah..moan over. 🙂 Wunna is back. And i’m normal. 🙂 I missed Junior so much, that I was growling. HAHAHA. I was short, sharp and snappy with everyone that I decided to torment. 🙂 I’m good like that, but i’m smart, i don’t keep people around me who can’t adore me anyway afterward. Even after the feisty ball of fire has been launched. Bumped into Junior and ‘Daddy’ this morning and well my baby boy still looked like the happiest baby in all the land. It brought a warmth to my soul and as we stood outside nursery looking into the skies, as my loin fruit pointed out birds flying overhead, in the Christmas air..i knew my family was in tact and that life was pretty wonderful. We both looked at him in awe and amazement. I mean, how could we have created something so perfect! THEN from the corner of my eye, i saw nursery nurses rushing to the back door to lock it, as fast as they could, as Ruby (who i had just dropped off) has seen us being merry  and was trying to escape to join us. 🙂 HAHAHAHA.

Alls good.

Phewf!

So, today is a big old work day for me…well beauty line stuff anyhow. I’ve got to get it all done because being Mum and having busy day job, means utilizing your time. PLUS, i have a bunch of errands to run, the kinda errands that you never ever seem to get done, except now…i need to do them! However, ofcourse to top it all off, i’ve come to a coffee shop to blog out life and sort out my online shop and ‘AWESOME’ I had my laptop ‘NOT ON’ charge all night, when i thought that IT WAS on charge all night, meaning, i have almost zero battery life and yeah…no charger with me. Yipppeee! 🙂

On a cheerier note, i’m feeling quite glam today and i know i must look great, simply because people are scowling at me. 🙂 (I’m doing tight jumper, mini denim skirt and high fur rimmed boots, which is my staple attire through the winter. I have big hair on and simply because it keeps me warm. *Wiggle…giggle…*

I forgot to tell you that a  tweenage gypsy girl stopped me at the weekend to tell me that my ‘makeup looked LUSH,’ in a very distinct Irish accent. I smiled and thanked her profusely…as i bundle up all the flattery i can get. However, i will admit that it’s hardly like the Head of Chanel, striding up to you and telling you you’re Fabulous is. I mean, it’s all neon, lycra, belly tops and orange tans and heels, with the gypsy girls on a weekend, at fourteen years old. 🙂 At least they’ll buy my lashes. Haha. (Some guy that I was just speaking to who sells scarves and picture frames with names that have been cut out in cardboard, has just told me that I should never open a store in the Frenchgate in Doncaster, a place where he runs three separate little kiosks..the freestanding stalls, where you purchase goodies. and after talking to me, he said I shouldn’t because my PRODUCT ISN’T STRONG ENOUGH. Lol. I really like this guy too! Lol. Cheeky bastard. What? And picture frames with cardboard names are? Jeepers. Haha. I’ve got a LUXURY lash line. The beauty industry much. Massive market. It’s worth a go! 🙂 I think he thought i had a cart of cheapy makeup that i wanted to fling on a stand and sell off for profit…which still does actually sell at Christmas, by the way. But no, it’s not that. It’s not ‘BUY 40 PAIRS OF LASHES FOR A QUID.’ But whatever…he just didn’t enjoy any competition. He’s three carts in and well i’ll have one and BOOM…it’s a seller. 🙂

Quickly, before i go…I also forgot to tell you that, on Saturday…as I was driving my loin fruit to Doncaster for a merry, Christmas, shopping treat. SIX FULLY NUDE BOYS ON TOY HORSEY STICKS, galloped infront of my car, weaving through busy, but stuck traffic, galloping with their goolies out for a laugh! HAHAH. Thsi can only happen in Doncaster. THEY WERE FULLY NAKED. Balls n’all….ON STICKS, WITH HORSE HEADS ON…it was a blast. It was just one of those moments, that as a blogger, you WISH FOR!!! I couldn’t believe it. And all Ruby said, was ‘Mum..they didn’t wear their coats.’ Lol

See ya later…

Got to work! x

PS/ I can’t believe that Gemma CollinS has left the jungle already! Poor thing. It must be lethal in there. HAHA.

Mama got pins!

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I swear down, my gorgeous licks of love festival, that wearing HEELS is not only the simpliest, yet is the most efficient way to tone up your calves! HOLY SHIT, my calves are aching, but OH MY GOSHY i’ve accidentally noticed that i’ve always had a great set of pins…;) Whether, i’ve been young, old, pregnant, free of bump, on a diet, working out (i never work out,) being chased or well..you get it…whatever…i’ve always had great legs. 🙂 The secret…where HEELS. AND I can clarify this with a giant stamp of ‘Yeah Baby’ simply because over the last couple weeks, i havent’ been able to wear heels, due to a dodgy ankle…the weekend was the FIRST time I had plonked a very high pair on to shop in, simply because I lacked new shoes to shop in. MY calves now KILL and kill because they’ve been worked out like bitches baby. Looked in the mirror…they look divine. So, yeah, when you’re older you’ll have a shitty back, but if you want great calves for right now…do heels. It feels like nothing, especially when shopping…I mean, what a distraction…but then POW, like out of nowhere, TONED LEGS appear with ‘Va Voom.’ Flat shoes are sensible, but evil. They make me hobble around like some troll that maybe lives under a bridge. Look great, feel great is my motto. Want awesome legs…do heels. I know, i’ve been wearing flats for too long simply because my calves kill. It mean’s i’ve been losing my touch. Now…i rock. The tiara is firmly in place. I’m feeling kinda sexy.

I’ve been tired all day today and i don’t know whether it’s because it’s Monday or if the ‘so much to do’ has got the better of me. I mean, wine isn’t making me feel better because I HAVE TO GET IT DONE. I think i just like other people doing shit for me. It works well. That way I can do what i’m best at..which is the waving, smiling and one liners. ‘Wink..wiggle.’ (‘I’m a Celebrity’ is on in my background right now and i’m routing for Mel Sykes to WIN! Keiran and I actually filmed a show with her ans since then she’s always Tweeted love our way, whenever something like ‘baby making’ has occured etc…She’s one of those great birds, that you’ll love to know…so TEAM MEL all the way! I find it hilarious that Gemma Collins is crying right now. I adore a bit of Gem, so it’s funny that Can Associates have launched her into the jungle for a bit of ‘make more money.’)

I’m still reading shit about the naked Kim Kardashian photos and it’s funny because I was talking to the guys in the dungeon about it. We were just going on about how everyone has something to say and how EVERYONE and their 80 yr old gran had seen the pics and how some folk had made comments at how stupid, slaggy and moronic the girl was for posing for such pictures. HAHAHA. In our minds…and i’m a massive Kardashian fan…she’s a genius. It’s like the ‘Hilton’ thing all over again. Nigel, the ‘Dungeon master’ 🙂 informed me that in Feb, Kim has a champagne launching…which has the same promo shots…but clothed and with champers..HER OWN champagne. So, to get you in the mood, these photos were ‘accidentally’ leaked online (pahahaha) so you all got talking about Kim in the right direction..and OH LOOK….they win again…good or bad…everyone’s seen the pics and everyone has spoken about them. Buy my champagne! Ra! Ra! Rah! All they needed was to stir attention for a big old sellathon and they did…so yes, there are fools out there, who really have no clue as to how the business  machine works…and well i’m sure the Kardashian’s are grateful for them. 🙂 Everytime, that girl laughs her way to the bank.

I deserve this wine.

Okay, with the lash line, i’ve scheduled myself WEDNESDAY to literally get it ALL DONE to the point where I kick back and chill with a wink. ‘Add diamonds here.’

I understand that it takes more than a day…but really, i reckon i can do the majority of it then. The idea is to never get defeated when you think you’re going to get tipped over the edge. It’s th whole, i am women, hear me raw’ shit. Or the ‘pick yourself up with a smile,’ scenario…which i’m actually quite good at. I’m not a girl of no substance, as i’ve been through a lot in life and people always forget that. But i’ve championed on with laughter and with an ever so glam approach to it. 🙂

SO, don’t take yourself too seriously, TRY AND BE PRODUCTIVE…think about yourself once in a while and make your dreams come true!

Love you lots.

 

Thank you for following my life.

C x