Scare Kingdom & Sex Dungeons

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You probably spent your Friday, planning out your cocktail mixers & putting together your outfits, for a jolly lil’ weekend of debauchery. A weekend of blissful safety, under a bouji umbrella of frosted prosecco pours. A weekend where in which you *winked* at strangers and placed your heart on your sleeve, as you stalked your ‘findings’ on Instagram.

Shush! We all do it.

I spent my Friday, doing a morning school run, (Single Mum Alert,) before hopping on a train to meet my gay friend Liam…Once I arrived, I found a Bacardi in my hand, as station security guards stood by my side. Then after a moment in a beauty salon, followed by wine in a Casino, at Blackpool, Pleasure Beach. I found myself getting changed in his living room, with more wine in my hand, after chatting to his agent Zoie and making a really poor shoe selection.

Liam: ‘Honestly, you need to wear trainers.’

Me: ‘I’ll be fine.’ 

Aaron & Kyle showed up and…

BOOM….

We were headed to Blackburn, where I pretty much had to…

RUN FOR MY ENTIRE F****** LIFE.

(I’m a glamour puss. I don’t run for anything, but diamonds. Sistas! I RAN! I ran SO fast, I tripped over my own feet, fell and rolled myself back up again. I felt like a rubbish Vin Diesel. Haha.) 

The UK’s Top Rated ‘Halloween Attraction.’

Yeah that’s where I ended up…

I was invited to Scare Kingdom, Scream Park, to celebrate it’s VIP press launch. It’s opening night. If you know me personally, you’ll know that I can handle, real life scary stuff. I’m good with all that.

But when it comes to fear, tight spaces,mind games, Halloween, horror, ghosts & goolies…(Wahey! 😉 I said ‘goolies’... )

..I am awful for it. I’m terrified of it all. I don’t even like to celebrate Halloween. I close my eyes and pretend it’s not part of the year.

OH MY LORD! 

I got there. It was fine. (I’d already fallen backwards, on my arse, in Liam’s living room, with a wine in my hand, because of my shocking shoe choice.) I was ready for anything… I already had a graze on my arm.

Liam: ‘I swear you’re getting pissed because you’re terrified!!!’

Once, in Blackburn…It started like this…

Which was fine. It’s always great to see ‘Aaron the Pap,‘ in action, who’s actually a really great friend of mine. I love Aaron. He was in our car up…with Kyle. (Who I THANK the GOOD LORD for!)

Next, came another drink…and then this…

Again. I can handle the creepy dude on the red carpet. I even asked him out on a Sushi date. He declined. He obviously has poor taste in women.

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Then…

OH MY ******* KITTENS!!!!

It was time to enter the creepy Scare Kingdom, farm land and go through the TERROR, that awaited our juiciness. We had to go first, because Liam (who’s a singer) had a ‘later on’ gig to get to…Which was delightful, because of course, if you go first, they’re all flipping energized and excited. Lol

Cheers love!

I mean anything that says…

‘Hold on tightly to the rope that guides you, it is your only hope of escape from the hooded hell hole, known as Flesh Market.’ 

Hmm…? Lovely. Something says i’m not at Angelica’s anymore? 

I couldn’t even walk up there because of my shoes. Haha. fell over twice, with Liam and Kyle holding me up on either side. It hadn’t even started yet!! 🙂

Aaron: ‘She’s off to a farm to be chased by zombies and she chooses to wear those shoes!!!’ 

We’re wandering around. All’s calm. It’s raining a little. I hate the rain. We head inside, things turn dark…and then absolute tight spaced, TERROR begins….

All I remember was forcing my friend Kyle, go first (lol), whilst holding his back, (Liam was behind me) and just ******* SCREAMING, FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, into his hood, because I needed my eyes to just stop seeing. Haha.

I don’t even know how Kyle was so brave!?! God, did not make eyes for what we were forced to see…Haha. 

Imagine being tipsy, being shoved into a tight, dark maze, then HAVING to get yourself through it all, simply for your own pride, whilst you wished for the torture & horror to stop.

Imagine doing all of that, on a dark farm in Blackburn (lol.) You knew awful things were about to happen, every time you were being greeted by creepy humans. Human’s that made you feel uncomfortable on every level. Imagine being chased THROUGH some death cage, by them…blind and…

..IN ****** heels.

We got through the first maze. Don’t know how?

I now couldn’t talk, after screaming so madly…We started walking towards the ‘next bit’ of utter terror. I fell over around 7 times, en route, because a mixture of bad shoe choices, wine and fear, kept making me.

Liam: ‘We can’t go through the next maze. It’s too scary and you’re falling over your own feet!’

My trousers were literally covered in mud. My shoes were battered. My makeup had smeared. I had tears in my eyes…I was laughing, in shock. But then I went with…

Me: ‘I can just take my shoes off and of through the rest of us…’

EH?

Liam: ‘Fuck off. You’re not allowed to do that…’

Kyle: ‘She can’t get through it…’

We get to the next maze (i’m determined to ‘muscle’ through, but then Liam, makes the executive decision to kindly ask the ‘greeting ghoul,‘ to call a manager, & get us back to the bar. She came and got us and we were walked straight OUT of the terror, to immediate safety….I had baby ‘panic & dash’ bruises all over me, my knees were covered in soil and yeah…I was still in my shit shoes.

I ruined everything. Haha.

(Saying that, both boys were filled with utter fear anyway. It’s not like, we were okay. Haha. We were drained of utter life and filled with complete fear…and I knew they weren’t okay, because they were trying to ‘swag‘ it out, like were we all safe and dandy.)

WE WERE PANICKED!!!

If ANY HUMAN, ran up to us, at that point (she could’ve been a flippin’ lollipop lady)…..I tell you, I would’ve probably passed out or opted for dying, because it would’ve been a less traumatic. Haha.)

But that’s what Scare Kingdom is about! It ain’t Disney Land….unless you’re a twisted F****.

We’re walked away to safety, back to the bar…which was now filled with ‘newly arrived’ celebs, ready to take on, the terror mazes.

(I just drank because I couldn’t deal with life, at this point.)

The gorgeous Marlie Weekender’ tinkers up to me. (I love Marlie, she makes me smile. I met her at an event in Leeds, in the Summer.) I feel a flick of my hair from behind and there she is, with her ‘Off Big Brother’ boyfriend Sam Chaloner, a cute blond girl, who I think was his sister and Callum Weekender, who’s about to hit our screens on ‘Celebs Go Dating.’ 

I think I was pissed by this point, as everything just seems to be in ‘flash back.’

I talked to the owner? I talked the bartender? I talked to Aaron? I saw tons of people from ‘Lucky7 PR,’ who I watch daily on Instagram …Like Sean Pratt, his girlfriend Jordi, Glamour Model Grace Teal…(He’s fit. They’re beautiful..) I saw Saira Choudry, who’s currently on ‘No Offence.’  I remember her from Corrie.

Then I flipping got pulled over, to what we all called ‘The inside sex dungeon.’ (It’s the epitome of terror, which overrides any terror you’ve experienced so far on the farm…Oh and it’s niche is twisted, psycho sexuality.) 

Kyle’s already headed in. (I love how brave he was. I love brave dudes.) He was the first one in…ever! All these ghouls, who you couldn’t see, where slamming shit and screeching…

‘Come in, little boy, we’re waiting for you…’

..behind a small metal door.

I’d ONLY agreed to go in IF I was able to be photographed/ filmed. Lol. I’m such a diva. Haha. But whatever…I was terrified.

Me: ‘It’s optional. I don’t really want to do it, for the good of my own health. I’m scared. I want a bit of ‘look at me.’

Staff: ‘Wait here…’

Of course, knowing my luck…It was all fine and dandy…and before you know it, i’m stood at the entrance of a horror, SEX dungeon.

Yipppppppppppeeeeee! Happy Friday!

All i could see were my friends stood behind a barrier. A metal doorway, with a flap that had been opened. I heard screams, screeches, evil voices, beckoning me in and saw a creepy looking barbie, human, was looked naked, but was wearing nothing but tights, a blond wig, with sewn on eyes, nose and lips…that didn’t move.

I was not okay. I F****** SHAT MYSELF.

I just stood at the entrance, with my hand over my face shouting..

I CAN’T DO IT. I’M NOT DOING IT. I CAN’T ******* DO IT. 

Everyone’s now *egging* me on…Liam’s shouting…

‘It’s NINE MINUTES CHRISSIE. ONLY NINE MINUTES TO GET THROUGH.’ 

Me: ‘Nine minutes. Nine minutes…’

I looked at Kyle…and said…

‘Was it okay…?’

Kyle: ‘No…It’s…’

Liam: ‘Don’t tell her that!’

Kyle: ‘9 Minutes… You’ll be okay. I did it. It’s harsh. But just do it..’

I’m causing such a delay, that the amazing staff had to tell some of the ‘horror actors’  to ‘calm down, back up and clear the door way…’

Yes, I was that pathetic. Hahah.

A lady then says…

‘You have a SAFE WORD (She tells me it.) You shout it out. Everything stops. We’re all watching.’

Don’t know how it happened?Yet, as life goes…I ended up on all fours, about to crawl through the entrance. (Yes, you had to CRAWL THROUGH IT.) I *paused* but they were already sick of me, I’m sure because I felt a *push* on my bum (lol) and that was it..

..the door *slammed shut* behind me…

The only way out, was to get all the way through the dungeon or shout my ‘safe word.’ (Which of course my northern pride wouldn’t let happen.)

Now, I’m not going to tell you what happened in the psycho, sex dungeon and Scare Kingdom. All I will say, is that I SCREAMED for my life, NON STOP.

Liam: ‘All you could hear for the first minute was Chrissie, screaming her head off, whilst trapped in that dungeon & I was outside.’ 

I went from room to kinky room, madly. Infact almost reluctantly. It felt so fast. So energized. Everything around me was ‘non stop’ and so real. It felt really real, like i’d been kidnapped. I fell over, TWICE.

It was intense. It played with my head. It was a nightmare and all I wanted was for the madness to end. I was in a torture chamber. I didn’t have a gin. My eyes saw the most terrible things…and when 9 minutes must have been up, I found myself running out of a curtain, back to safety…and finally without a mini sack over my head. 🙂

WTF! Hahah. OH MY GOD!!!

As soon as I ran out, I felt an entire RUSH of utter bliss flow through me. I could breathe I was free. It was like I had conquered the world, in 9 minutes. It was the best feeling of achievement. I faced my fear.

I flipping did it.

I could’ve done it again. Funny that? It was THE MOST TERRIFYING Halloween moment EVER, It was SICK. It was twisted. It was naughty! But that’s what it’s there for, so it in my mind, it was done INCREDIBLY WELL. It was created beautifully, by the kings of utter horror.

You just can’t miss this, you have to say you’ve done it….

As I walked out, I saw ‘Real Housewife’ Christine McGuinness (Paddy McGuinness’s wife) on the red carpet, doing her pap pictures, before the run… It ended up in the Daily Mail.

Something tells me, she was about to find out, that she wasn’t in Cheshire anymore…

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As soon as I got back to The New Osborne Hotel, in Blackpool, I drank a bunch of wine, chatted to a guy named Lee, drank loads at a Casino with Liam, Matt and his beautiful girlfriend…and then passed out, in my bed sheets.

That’s how my weekend started…

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A Scarefest Feel Up?

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Now, I hate anything scary. I’m shit at being brave when it comes to ghosts and ghoulies and i’m measurably ‘alright’ at pretending i’m brave, yet i always look uncomfortable like i might have trapped wind during the process. It’s really sexy. Honest. And i don’t waa hear guys do the ‘I’ll protect you’ bullshit. No you won’t. If monsters go to get us, you will leggit with your fast running LEGS and leave me and my ‘ooh’ face and boobies behind in order to save your own goddamn soul. Lol.

Right, I’m the girl that had to get into bed with my parents at 17 because i was scared of ghosts and definitely thought there was one in my room and still the girl that cannot watch a horror movie with anyone because i don’t fully trust that they can save me if zombies were going to obviously punch their way out of my tv and get me. I have to have all the lights on afterwards, watch a comedy or something light and sweat it out, with a gin and tonic.

So Scarefest! A LOT of you have begun your travels to your local ‘Halloweeny’ plots to go get terrified in the woods, theme parks or whatever it is you’re going to.

I’d GO. But, the excuse i’ve made up this time is the simple fact that, i’m sure that the last time i entered a haunted house, in the pitch black, i  definitely tried to dash through it with my eyes closed, attached to another human who i hoped was the friend i walked in with and whilst STRANGERS, who were trying to be scary for money, FELT ME UP, IN THE DARK, when i was defenseless. Hahaha.

I’m not paying to go get FELT UP by strangers in zombie outfits. Honestly, that haunted house was made 100 times scarier, simply because ever single PIECE of my anatomy, at some point was squeezed, rubbed, dashed upon or groped in the name of ‘Halloween.’ (Haha.) And people started LICKING ME. Like don’t FUCKING LICK ME. Haha. Don’t touch me! Lol. Don’t breathe on me, POP out on me, or anything, Just let me calmly and happily, (like i have wind) walk by like i’m brave and at a Miss Universe Pageant. Scare the other fuckers. They love it. They wanted to be there. I got dragged there. Or was told i had to show up there. I have issues. I can’t be placed amongst uncertainty and anxiety, with zombie chicks in side pony tails.

Tweet it? Facebook it? Promote it. Get fucked. I have a scary chainsaw dude, nipple gripping me in the dark, as i’m screaming for my entire life as my friends are pissing themselves and trying to video me. People pay good money to witness such behavior. I need to invoice you. Lol

Bottom line…Scarefest is too scary for me and my virginity.

Don’t get it twisted. Go with… knives.