Tiki Bars, Exes, Massage Chairs & Anal Thumping…

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I keep having this recurring dream, where i’m in a Tiki bar (lol..ofcourse,) with the same faces, that I don’t know in REAL life, but know like best friends in ‘dream land.’ (Hahah. Don’t ask!) In this Tiki Bar, there are really exotically, lavish looking cocktails. The one I always see in my dream, is the one that comes in a ceramic,sort of zombie, hula dancer’talldrinky cup…and it ‘moonwalks‘ backwards, around the rim of peoples wooden Tiki tables, as they *wink* at strangers and I watch on.

That’s all normal.

(In my world.)

But last night, I dreamt that Mike, my first husband was there (in this Tiki Bar..He’d hate that) and we were falling back in love, but sexily. (I don’t love him, don’t worry. My dream just wanted me to.) We kept feeling it each other up lovingly and cuddling all the time? It was almost as if he was the ‘key’ to all my life happiness.

Then we went back to a dark hotel and had ‘dream land’ sex. But it felt like we were in New York, high in the sky. I remember looking out of a window that looked over the city. 

I got zapped out of that! I *blinked* and everything had disappeared. 

Then…

…all of a sudden ‘Boyband Jonny,’ who I used to date years ago, straight after the Hilton Show, *popped* up in my dream. He’s Gay now. In fact, he was Gay, all along. He just didn’t realize it, at the time, when he dated me. He mixed up fancying me, for simply finding me fabulous. I’m probably the only girl, he’s ever had ‘half sex’ with. He said, I broke his heart. I didn’t though. I was simply ‘key’ to him discovering himself.

I like Jonny, he’s cool. He was actually a great boyfriend. He wrote me a love letter, when I left in a taxi. I am extremely happy, that HE is happy now, he’s found himself and utter true love. 

I don’t mind an unfortunate bit of ‘heart break,’ if it’s helpful. 

HOWEVER…

I do hate it when my exes hijack my dreams!!! Especially,when i’m at a Tiki Bar, (do they not have dream land’ manners.) A Tiki bar, by the way, is my favourite kind of bar in the whole wide world. (If i could own one, I would. Yet, not for profit, just for kicks.)

I want to be able to have my heart broken, storm into my Tiki, BE pissed off, put on my hula skirt, and sip rum out of a flaming fired coconut, with a cocktail umbrella in my hair, as I  pull faces and cry.

I’d have to own it, simply because I wouldn’t want to get my ‘sorry, hula, ass’ up and pay my tab , whilst crying. I’d need Tiki minions for that.

It’d make ‘hearkbreak’ much easier.

I just can’t get away from being haunted by my exes. Why??

STUPID CUPID, you’re A REAL MEAN, guy.

I’m even getting tattoos shortly, to both celebrate and at the same time REMIND ME of things that happened to me this year…

AGAIN, I’ve had a big year of change and I need to remember it. I want to remember it. So I’m going to Tattoo it.

Ofcourse…Lol

(I haven’t had a tattoo in a million years.)

I was telling Ruby, in bed, last night…and even SHE *paused,* laughed and said..

‘Oh my GOD! Don’t get THAT ONE!!!’

She’s SEVEN! Hahaha. She looked at me like I was ‘whacked.’

Hurrah! Flaming Coconut Drinks for everyone!

Yesterday, I was doing bits of Christmas shopping, at The Frenchgate Centre, in Doncaster, and I decided to go on the ‘Put £1 in it’ massage chairs.

I love a massage.

I love a moment, where you can just hit *pause* and relax for a second, during the bustle. That’s why I used to love Prosecco Pit Stop. (Which no longer exists.)

Woe is me….

BUT, OH MY GOODNESS!

I haven’t actually been on a massage chair in YEARS. Let me tell you. They HAVE IMPROVED!!

I’m sat there, slightly awkward, slightly in public, slightly okay with it though. I’m used to winging an awkward situation and making it look glam. (Hilton taught me well.)

The money goes in the slot and HOLY SHIT, that CHAIR, MADE LOVE TO ME.

It caressed and moaned and rubbed and loved. It oozed. It cared. It romanced and it danced.

THEN…OUT OF NOWHERE…

THE massage chair STARTS ******* BATTERING ME. It starts PUNCHING MY BACK with glee. Then BASHING MY HEAD, FROM SIDE TO SIDE. (Haha.) It starts SQUEEZING THE LIFE, out of my little Asian ribs …and WORST OF ALLEMBEDDED IN THE CHAIR, MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANAL THUMPER…

HAHAHA…

SOMETHING KEPT RISING UP, IN THE CHAIR AND THUMPING ME UP THE BUM, BUM….

..REPEATEDLY!!!!!

HAHAHA.

I couldn’t make it stop and I kept having to pretend, everything was lovely, because I was in public and my daughter was stood next to me. LOL

Do I just have this affect on everything!?! Nothing can just LOVE ME FOREVER, without aggressively Anal thumping me? It started so ‘steadily.’ It loved me. IT DID!!! Then just went MAD and started being hateful or horny????

THEN, when the abused had finished, the chair went on to *SQUEEZE* by legs to death (and my legs are pathetic like Bambi…But luckily, it all suddenly *stopped.*

BUT my legs had got TRAPPED!!! (Hahaha)

WHAT THE ******* IS MY LIFE!!!

I thought the deal was that I only had to ‘suffer’ through the LOVE part of my existence…NOT the ACTUAL other bits of actual LIFE TOO!

ANAL THUMPING!

I put FIFTY SHADES TO SHAME.

Who needs, a RED ROOM? In fact, who needs a fucking husband!?!

I want another go!!!

Ruby was there trying to free my legs, but laughing so hard, she was in tears. MY MUM KNEW, bad stuff was going to happen to me, so instead of protecting me, she decided to FILM the horror.

I’m sure she’s secretly like, ‘I paid shit loads of money to put you through school, you WILL become a STAR, even if I have to FORCE IT, film it and get the insta likes FOR YOU!!’

Then I get home, needing 72 wines, a bit of calm and a spot of telly and all that’s on is a ‘Come Dine With Me’ episode with a Farmer, who has made everyone horny with BEETROOT, by fireworks and an ex body building Geordie, in a purple towel, who’s baked a pie?

I LOVE ‘COME DINE WITH ME.’ (I once got asked to go on the show, but didn’t go on it, because I didn’t want to cook for everyone…which obviously is the whole point. Haha.)

I don’t even cook for my own children, let alone strangers. (Ruby at 7, could probably be a fine dining, food critic, she’s eaten out THAT much.)

Bottom line, I was passing time before ‘X Factor,’ followed by a dose of ‘I’m a Celeb.’

After the massage chair, I wasn’t in the mood for watching pies being made…I either needed a documentary on GOD, TO heal my broken soul, like a prayer. OR just go the other way and find something on the lines of ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’

This time next week, I’m on FIRST DATES!!! 

I’M ON FIRST DATES, NEXT MONDAY!!!

I actually can’t wait to watch tonight’s episode. It’s almost like a starter, for my ‘next week’ main! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Bit of Weaves & Waves (Part 1)

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So. Wednesday was manic. I was rushing around. I had the kids, a shoot…all sorts. It was mad, but it was sunny… and well everything’s better in the sun. It brings out the booty shorts….and fortunately and like a domino effect…everything’s better in booty shorts.

Have you noticed that when’s the sun’s out…Dudes get all ‘heated.’ I don’t know what happens to them, but their willies perk up and go on a mad ‘chick chase.’

All the chicks, all the chase…all the willies…

I swear, it’s because a bit of sunshine gets them overly excited. Or maybe because we’re all in heels and wearing booty shorts? Can’t decide? I’ll let you figure it out.

COLD SHOWERS FOR EVERYONE! Yipppeee!

Anyway, Pitstop rentals picked up…as I had to dash to get my face done in the nick of time… (I’m really grateful to Pitstop, as he shimmies over a brilliant chauffeuring service and I really appreciated the makeup stop off..but I’ll get to that on my next blog, as I have a lot to say…and not much time to say it in, as I have a wine lunch with ‘Firmonnell’ at noon. And who’s to play with wine and sunshine!) 

I arrived at the launch of the new Weaves & Waves hair salon, on Great George Street, Leeds…You should go. It’s amazing. I was really impressed….

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I probably got there around 7.30pm? I can’t remember? I needed a cocktail and I weirdly felt anxious? Yet, I love a hair salon opening…So it couldn’t have been better timing.

Cocktails trumps anxiety.

I should be a therapist.

I just remember pulling up to the salon…

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…and the pavement was filled with reality tv personalities, (so these were people who had JUST come off shows, are currently on shows, or about to appear on a show…and it’s really important for them to show up everywhere, as let’s be honest…it’s promo. So, if you have a current show…you go to ‘see’ and ‘be seen,’ at exactly the right time. 😉 )

There was what seemed like the entire cast of  this seasons ‘Ex On The Beach,’ Marlie from Ibiza Weekender, Emma Woodhams, who spent a summer on that Island of ‘Love,’ chicks from ‘Survival of The Fittest…’ All very fun, all very young…all at the very start of their new careers in entertainment. It made me feel like a veteran. Lol. And weaved between these little lovelies, where the delicious girls of Weaves & Waves and they themselves were the height of glamour.

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Everyone seemed really excited. The sun was shining. There were  dresses, fire eaters, media boards, paps, giggles, life, tans, winks and  well lots of people with really great hair. It was a proper ‘chick fest.’ There was literally…How do I say ‘lots of vagina’ politely? Bottom line…It was everywhere…and the ‘vagina fest’ was armed with cocktails.

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Me: ‘What am I drinking, it’s good?’

Sophia: ‘I don’t know? I just asked him for three big ones. 😉 ‘

So if you were a guy in Leeds, on Wednesday night and weren’t at  the Weaves & Waves salon…you lost out. BIG TIME.

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG TIME!

Aaron the Pap, who is my favourite piece of adoration, I’ve just been in Spain with him, and spotted me arrive up, so as soon as I got out…I did my shots with him…He told me off for being a ‘Words Thief‘ and then had to dash, to another job.

I got a drink…a strong one….because I needed to! Then just like ‘magic’ with a hair toss and a pout…I got to ‘knowing everyone,’ a dandy bit better…after a wee, a quick blush down, posing for pictures and a moment of room scanning. (I’m highly social…and really good at the ‘getting to know you,’ without you even knowing. But that’s my job..and nothing is hotter!)

I smoozed, I smized…I picture took…I chattered. I filled my body with mystery cocktails.

Hair Stylist: ‘You’re beautiful. You’re so lovely. So what show were you on then?’

Me: ‘What you drinking?’

Hair Stylist: ‘We’ve got a massive stash of vodka and pink lemonade in the back if you want one…’

Me: ‘I’m there. Let’s go to the back room…I want a pink drink. Mines not pink and it’s upsetting me..’

I knew loads of people there, but I like arriving on my own…because it opens me up to adventure. I’m not scared to be Miss.Sassy pants or Lil’ Miss independant…If you show up with another human…and they don’t get you’re job….You close yourself off to adventure. And I need adventure…and what better place to find it, in Leeds, around glamour, madness, dancing girls, reality stars and the best wigs in the city.

They did a really great job… The staff, the owner….the girls, couldn’t of been more wonderful…and I always tells ya, I’m a ‘service’ and ‘personality’ kinda gal. They were just so easy to get on with…and absolute total glamour pusses…which I ADORE. I can’t wait to stop by for my hair doing!

Weaves & Waves: ‘Thank you so much for coming. You live here don’t you? Like this is your home town. We’re really excited and we really want the salon to work in Leeds, because it’s a place you can come for literally everything. Do you think it looks good?’

Me: ‘Yeah. It’s amazing! It’ll work. There’s such a good vibe about the place. It’s beautiful. It’s in the exact right place…and everything in this city is JUST word of mouth.’

I mean, if you’re gonna open a salon, you might as well have done it the way they did it, with Great Gatsby dancing girls, red carpets, fire eaters in undies,really great music and reality peeps winking at strangers. I loved it. I think they did an amazing job. It was truly very Leeds of them…and Leeds is all about ‘boujiness‘ now. Great spot. Good times.

They even had their own cocktail shaking dude, who was shimming up ‘corner cocktails’ and flipping things in the air…whilst making your drinks on request… for nothing but a wink and a smile….The best kind of currency/ 😉 How divine. Free drinks. We’re all in!

Then ‘the cocktail dude’, who was actually lovely, THEN decided to inform me that the word for a cigarette in Newcastle was a ‘Snout?’

Is that true? I don’t think it’s true? I know, loads of Geordies? No one’s ever gone for a ‘snout.’

It just reminds me of piglets and I have an inner terror of piggy snouts, because I always think pigs are gonna rock up to me, (obviously in the middle of a city, because I’m never on a farm 😉 ) and nuzzle places that they aren’t EVER meant to nuzzle…without getting a bit of ‘vajazzle’ on them.

Awful things are piggy snouts.

Right, I’m rambling…Let’s get this shit out…

So, the most beautiful girl, with the most wonderful ambery coloured hair…grabs my kitten hand and escorts to the pink lemonade/vodka shindig, that was happening in the back room. And it was ace, because I went from sunshine and street cocktails to sneaky little ‘hold my hand’ adventures…

We strutted past photographers, pouted in giant placed mirrors, we walked alongside a red ribbon…through a room full of half naked, Gatsby dancing girls (they were getting changed into their next outfit, there were suitcases lipstick and pink faux furs everywhere.)

We get to a door, she pushes it open…the room is pitch black…but filled with other girls… as soon as I walk in…some sat by the door hands me their phone and says..

‘GIRL. Yes. You. I’m trying to do my shoe up and I need you to hold my phone.’

‘Lol…Do you need light, it’s pretty dark.’

(She was hilarious. I loved her. AND really drunk. There was a nip slip.)

Me: ‘I need a cup.’

And just like magic…a cup arrived..(but the beautiful Amber haired kitten, DID have to go do the entire adventure journey back to get me a cup… with a straw… …)

In the dark….at around 8.30pm…I was poured a ‘back room’ vodka/pink lemonade…. Lol

It was gangsta!

Then I  sort of *blinked* and I was back at the party, back in the light, great music filled the room, and pinky tinges of light glowed around everyone…as camera flashes *snapped.*

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I walked out of the door….Looked to my left… and who walked out of the loo…at that exact same time…?

The darling that is….

Sam Reece…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Spanish Getaway, Paps & Geordies….

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Two and a Half hours later, I shimmie onto Spanish soil, feeling sort of relieved, filled with excitement…and maybe a plane wine? I did random selfies at the request of a hen do and a happy ‘flying solo’ dude, who had no clue why they were requesting selfies, but didn’t want to miss out on the action…or boobs?

I met up with a new friend of mine.. Simone. Last  year she spent part of her Summer trapped in the flipping ‘Big Brother’ house and well she caused a bit of a stinker. (And she farted on the plane journey to Spain, yet pretended to be asleep so no one thought it was her. She couldn’t even TELL me the story without pissing herself.)

To me, she’s ace. She’s one hell of a fun loving, GEORDIE. She’s wild without punctuation and we’ve walked really DIFFERENT life paths…

‘I literally grew up on the roughest estate, Chrissie! My life has been hard! Me Mam’s….***&*(*&$. Me Dad’s *&)(*££”$*** But y’know what, I’m grateful that I’m here…and doing well. But I can’t spell for shit.’

‘I love that. You crack me up. You’re gorgeous. I have Doctor parents, tinkered through private school, grew up in Hollywood, then lived with Paris Hilton, after a modeling career. It’s hilarious.’

Her soul is quite kitten soft. She’s like a child, she’s gentle. She has a heart of gold and I love her for it. BUT SHE’S MAD! MY exterior SEEMS child like, but I’m all grown up on the inside. I’m like the responsible one. Yet, no matter what, life brought us together and weirdly…set us in the exact same place…We ended up in the exact same position…at the exact same time…

WE GET ALONG REALLY REALLY WELL! Teamed up! We are the BEST BALANCE of FUN! It’s like a Northern tornado…But not lame….I’ll just ‘Chanel’ your ass with ‘slay’ wit, if you annoy me and she’ll just be really patient..before she slaps you. Lol.

We got straight to the apartment, which had the most beautiful surrounding views.  We were so lucky. Our pad was AMAZING and we were dripped in sunshine. We could see over sandy beaches…from our glossy Spanish heights. It was A DREAM. I couldn’t believe that I’d woken up at 4am in Leeds and hours later blinked myself to Spain.

We kinda couldn’t check in for around 20 minutes though. So in that time, as I looked over views….that let me spy oldies on a NUDIST BEACH. It’s always the oldies that love a skinny dip, innit! 😉

Yipppppppppppeeee!

Simone, stripped off STARK NAKED, in the middle of glass walls, got changed, whopped on some tunes, selfied, happy danced, then decided to dance on coffee tables. Lol. She was the Happiest Geordie IN ALL OF THE LAND. Then I moaned because my wifi wasn’t working….I hate no wifi…and i’m a DIVA. 🙂

Me: ‘How the fuck can you post everything and my Snapchat won’t even work!’

Simone: ‘Take a selfie of me in this fucking MINT light!’

(Say the above in your best Geordie accent.)

An hour later and we were both in bikini, poolside, greeting Scottish people and dying for a wine.

Me: ‘I need a drink me…’

Simone: ‘Well i’ve put 20 euro in my bag.’

After messing around by the pool. (We had so much fun. We’re cheeky!) Twin shower blitzing, pool splashing with winks, sun bathing with our sexy bits out, selfie taking, banter, binter…All things ‘GIRLS…’ All things LIFE….Anyway, we then figured we’d head down to the beach.

We didn’t think to put any clothes on though? (We’re both naturally exhibitionists.) Like I don’t care one bit, if i have a boob out, or a nip slip. I’m immune to it. She’s pretty much the same. She could only have a fig leaf on her crotch and not notice. I love that about her, because it’s awkward for me if others are all ‘ooh, not my body’ this….or ‘oooh, not my body’ that…because i’m so, naturally, ‘Yay,  everything nudie.’

We walk down to the beach…in our bikinis. I’m in the cheetah, two piece by Pretty Little Thing. We’re Insta Storying, so people are staring at us, as we pass. We’re not good at doing anything quietly, or away from oncoming traffic. Yet, we’re not deliberately ‘LOOK AT ME’ loud, we’re far too busy being caught up, in our own giant bubble.

A war could’ve started and we wouldn’t have even noticed…We’d still be selfie taking. Is this why I’m not married? Lol.

When we finally find our sandy little spot. We start talking life, we played in the sea….We basically just chilled and had the most fun EVER. And even though the beach was packed. It felt like there was no one, but us there! We notice anything else. It was blissful. Every single second, we couldn’t stop repeating how lucky we were! It felt like the ‘getaway’ of all ‘getaways.’

We enjoyed the sun. We settled…and then as we laid down towels to sunbathe….out popped Aaron...(Aaron is Britian’s Youngest Pap.) He has shot some of the UK’s biggest celebs via *papping,* for the national press.) We both know him really well, as he’s photographed us BOTH, at some point.. separately. In fact, he *papped* my last night out with Lisa (as in ‘Appleton,’) in Blackpool and to be honest, he’s actually become a really good friend now.

I have every respect for an 18 year old boy, working his arse off for a buck, a living and to make something for himself, in the future. I find it honourable. He’s doing better than some actual grown ups! Lol.

Anyway, from that point of ‘towel sunbathing,’ which was around 3pm…..on our very first day in Spain…to around 4pm… 2 days later….

…Our ENTIRE SPANISH HOLIDAY WAS *PAPPED.*

The whole thing, from beginning to end. From nine o clock in the morning, to six o clock at night..every day.

And to be honest, we’re natural show offs. We adore Aaron, so it didn’t really bother us one bit. In fact, I felt honoured. They don’t waste their time, if they don’t think they may have a shot that’s worth something? It kinda made me feel a bit special. And everyone loves feeling a bit special, don’t they. It’s the simple things.

But yeah, it was fun. It turned up the holiday heat. It made our time even more exciting. And I love excitement. I love adventure. I love a laugh. It made it that more playful. We were a really great team!

I will say that there WAS a point,  where we DID have to LEAVE the beach, because all these crowds had now bundled around us, a guy who did videos for the Spanish press had sauntered up to film us, on his phone and Whitby stag do’s had decided to sit on the wall and cheer at tits. And then an angry Spanish woman started screaming at Aaron and scowling at the fact that Simone had a bit of a boob out!

ARE YOU KIDDING! He properly stood his own though!

Me: ‘Shall we go get a drink?’ (Diffuses the drama.)

Simone: ‘Yeah, lets go…’

So, like the coolest douches in town, knowing that we had caused a commotion, we popped on our ‘sunnies’ and strutted like ‘we gave zero fucks ‘ Lol…to the nearest bar that sold cocktails.

We took Aaron with us for a drink and a chill…I mean, we couldn’t leave him there to get bollocked by the Crazy Spanish Lady. Plus, he needed a chill, he’d worked hard. However, he did state that he wouldn’t mind if inflatables or balls, were accidentally kicked in the Angry Spanish Ladies way…. 🙂 Or was it face? 😉

Simone ordered a Pina Colada…and I ordered a Long Island Ice Tea. Your first drink of the day, has to be as strong as… a bull’s knackers. I do Pina’s when i’m bored or need to sober up. She loves them because they’re girly.

THEN WE BOTH GOT BOLLOCKED AGAIN…LOL.

Everybody just decided to turn on us, because we were in bikinis??

Waitress: ‘Can you wear clothes please??’

Simone: ‘We’re IN CLOTHES..!!!!’

Me: ‘How is us in a bikini ANY DIFFERENT TO THEM IN SWIMMING SHORTS!!!!’

So we had to sit with towels wrapped around us…which in my mind looked more risque. It looked like we’d just had a kinky bath. Simone refused to ‘towel wrap..‘ so she got bollocked again Lol…But this time, by the owner…who had a flipping MOP in his hand. Lol.

( I only find that funny, because he ruined our Spanish dreams. You can’t bollock people holding a mop, because you can’t be taken seriously. We’re meant to be in Spain, bollock us in a like a hardcore Latino. I was once married to a Latin man, he came with a temper, not a whiff of floor cleaner.)

Anyway, I got away with my towel wrap, because I did that ‘swweeeeet little girl voice,‘ thang, that I do. It’s all posh, gentle, apologetic and filled with charm.

Simone did the Geordie…‘Hard as nails’ thing. Lol.

The rest of the holiday was great. I can’t really tell you to much about it, but I will as time goes along. We spent loads of time with Aaron, who was nothing but lovely to us….and after dinner that evening, we revisited out cocktail cravings together, by the beach and just told life tales.

It was bliss!

We walked about where life had taken us, dating, men…sex tapes, love, other people on tv shows…all sorts. We talked about how tough we had found relationships at times and how we sometime think that guys don’t like it when they’re partner tries to become or even so, ends up becoming a success, because it makes them feel insecure.

Is that true? I know it’s true with some guys. I know that for sure. I’ve experienced that. Yet, I reckon, no matter where you are in the worl, no matter what walk of life you tinker, your soulmate, your ideal match, with adore you madly, support you sincerely and stand by you through thick and thin, as he protects his wife, family with the heart of a lion.

Simone: ‘Let me sip it! That wine’s strong!’

Me: ‘I like strong. I’m not spending money on a glass of cream with an umbrella jabbed in it.’

Aaron: ‘You girls are hilarious!’

Aaron became a bit of what I called a ‘Colada Expert.‘ He had enjoyed so many, over the evenings, that he ‘connoisseur ed‘ the flavours. He could win ‘blind folded Colada competition’ trophies.

Aaron: ‘I much prefer the Mango. It’s better! Are they real life nuns?’

We actually had a really wonderful evening of banter with Aaron, the evening before I left, by the beach, with wine…..It showed how close friends we’d all become over time.

And i’ll definitely say that even though, that was probably THE MOST PICTURES, THAT I HAVE EVER HAD, TAKEN OF ME IN THE SPACE OF 2 AND A HALF DAYS.(and I grew up being a model, where my job was having my picture taken…) it was literally THE BEST TIME EVER! And i’m not joking, having your picture taken, pretty much 24/7, for 2 days straight… is not easy, as you think. It’s great. Always great! But without booze treats afterwards, you’d just be knackered. We were knackered. 

All three of us enjoyed really peaceful times, sat by the beach, as palm trees swayed over us and day turned to night. That’s what life is about. We deserved it because we’d worked SO SO HARD.

I couldn’t have felt luckier. The air swirling around me, even felt lucky.

Aaron: ‘Let me try and snapchat them nuns.’

It was THE BEST TIME!

Fair enough there were dodgy moments, where you could find Simone in comfies, with me sat next to her…. in this giant double bed, with no face on, a nighty and with multi coloured rollers in my hair.

‘Why do we look like an awkward married couple??? It’s really funny because we both have our own lingo. You’re all Geordie and i’m all Yorkshire…and I don’t know how we understand each other, but we do!’

And there were times, when she kept repeating Spanish… at Spanish people….having no clue what she was saying, whilst being Spanish…which probably wasn’t the best Geordie plan! Lol.

Me: ‘Stop doing that! Cos we’ll get into a fight and then we’re gonna have to turn around land pretend that we’re ten men, when we’re not.’

Simone: Shut up!’

Aaron: ‘Hahaha.’

Long Spanish story short, our sneaky getaway, actually turned into immense and thorough, full time, millions of sets….’picture taking.’ But we loved. We felt lucky. I had the best time!

By Saturday April 7th….

….As I got into my taxi, to make my way back to the airport….after a quick sunshine wine.

( Before I left, I spent some time on my own….I always need that. I love that. It reminds me that i’m still independent and that the world is my oyster. It reminds me of what life is about. The decisions we make and how okay it is, to just BE, just LIVE….and not give a shit about what other’s think about you, if they judge.)

Some of us have hard lives. Some of us have easy lives. But what we have in common IS LIFE….and out story is the most important story we’ll ever experience….

Enjoy it! Any way you wish!

But like I was saying, Simone tinkered, back to the airport, as her flight to Newcastle was earlier than mine….(It was actually really sad when she left, because she’s a girl that leaves a giddy atmosphere when she leaves you. She does that on purpose, because she’s a people pleaser…She loves to make you happy and excited.)

I’m playful, honest….but sassy….I leave a diamond mist of warmth and excitement… I like to call it a ‘swag.’ (‘The Swirl’ actually says that there’s a ‘swag’ about me.) 

Aaron stayed in Spain, to catch any other people, to maybe *pap* for the press. What a hustler. He works so hard for a 18 year old. I have great respect for him. He has the best job ever for a young boy! I’d do a few more coladas with him.

But like I said, as I stepped into MY taxi to travel back to the airport…As I did….I passed shoulders, with Survival of The FittestGeorgie’ and Ex on the Beach ‘Sophia,’ as they stepped out of theirs, to enjoy their own adventure.

Lucky Aaron, eh!

Within an hour, I  found myself at Alicante Airport….waiting with a vino, at a wine bar… for my plane to Leeds/Bradford airport. This time I was super early….I wasn’t having the Security shit go down on me again!

I remember everyone being super nice at the airport, or glaring at me, because I looked weird. I was knackered. I’ll tell you that! I was exhausted. I kinda just let my body surrender. Lol.

Straight away my driver (Pitstop rentals) whatsapped me to make sure I knew that he was going to be there for pick up…and to reconfirm my flight times…

I must’ve been moaney because i remember just feeling shattered and stating that I needed 100 wines, food and just to feel pampered…

Half an hour later….I was boarding my flight….

Alicante to Leeds/Bradford Airport… I was shattered but life felt wonderful!

 

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Boodee, House of Lily & 3 Pumps For You Sir!

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Me: ‘We’ve all got knickers, as in pants on right?’

Cece: ‘Yeah. I’ve definitely got pants on. We’ve all got pants on…She hasn’t though…(Points at girl.) I mean, we’re old. They’re young and don’t where pants. But there was a young girl, who I was fitting, who clearly said she had spanx on.’

Rocker Lily: ‘I’ve got pants on.’

ALL GOOD! SAFETY FIRST!

Now, before I get into all that, as you ALL know that I was at the Boodee Boutique,Influencers Brunch’ on Sunday, at ‘Cuckoo’ in Leeds. My ‘socials’ and inboxes are going CRAZY CRACKERS over it.

I’ve never ever been to ‘Cuckoo’ in my life and I’m known for socialiting cocktail bars like a champion. It’s absolutely new, a tremendous find and it drips with a chilled out, bouji swirl of swag. It’s… COOL. It’s alive. It’s stylish, glamourous, yet not remotely pretentious and you get a free flipping pizza with your drink!

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Bartender: ‘Are you wanting the free pizza..?’

Me: ‘Noo, course not. I’m fine. Lol.

Bartender: ‘I didn’t think so, somehow. 😉 ‘

There’s just a vibe in that place… and ‘old school/new school’ vibe and if you were a child of the 80’s/90’s you will find the music deliciously swag. I ‘Pon De Replayed’ it…. like I WAS….. RIHANNA. (Don’t hate. You could’ve *swiggled it* too. In fact, Hit *play* to feel like you were there with me. See! Aren’t I nice to you! 😉 )

But let me take you back…The train into Leeds, was the busiest ‘Bank Holiday’ train of madness ever. It was filled with young gaggles of party boys, older couples, girls and a group of posh Geordies. (I’ve decided that Geordies are everywhere.)

I had begun the day feeling like a bit of a plonker, as it was early Sunday morning and I was strutting around life, petrol stations, Xscape, wine bars and Platform 2’s in a GIANT fluffy PINK faux fur, diamante heels, necklace and head to toe in PINK & WHITE.

I knew, I either looked marvellous or ridiculous because everyone was staring at me…constantly….and so much to the point that I’d started to feel moderately insecure. Lol. That’s why I had a wine, in the nearest bar, which was The Winter Seam, before my train. The problem with me is that I’ll feel ‘all the eyes.’ which it will make me very aware of my existence…It’ll then make me feel a bit ‘wibbly.’ but you would NEVER EVER know because I will strut into a place, IN MY GIANT PINK FAUX FUR, like i’m P.Diddy. (In fact, if Paris Hilton, Ru Paul, P.Diddy had a threesome, and did it whilst eating a bag of prawn crackers…THAT’S what I looked like. 🙂 )

Luckily, I looked less like a dickhead 3 minutes afterwards, because guys in budget  ‘Stag Do’ Hawaiian shirts began drizzling in…and then even they were *trumped* by the casual floral dress  ‘rocker’ lady with the bright blue hair. Then another Geordie appeared out of nowhere, said I was ‘stunning‘ and asked me where I was headed? (Told you, they’re everywhere. They’ve infiltrated Yorkshire. They’ve infiltrated Leeds.)

Me: ‘I’m off to a brunch in Leeds. I’m not just dressed like this for a fry up. Honest…’

He then asked me for my number, after he smirked at my obviously wonderful banter. 😉 So, I did that ‘Chrissie Wunna’ charm face, where I just smile, shrug, slide off my bar stool and laugh it off, like it hasn’t been said, as I giggle out the door.

Next minute I was in Leeds city centre. It was filled with bustle and I didn’t feel as strange anymore as EVERYONE  was dolled up to the heavens and back.

I diamante strutted down the side of the train station, to Call Lane, through busy city streets, car parks, alley ways, puddles, gave a homeless person a light and past a ton of young 20 somethings who were galloping around with excitement….I kinda felt like The Queen of all Leeds, at that point.  Then I walked past ‘Mission’ which reminded me that Zanetti was doing better than Me.

37, Call Lane. I was at ‘Cuckoo.’ The street seemed so quiet, so I carefully tinkered through the door and..

OH MY GOD….

*Camera Flashes, Music, Balloons, Cocktails, Skimpy Dresses, Highest Heels, Giggles, Laughter, Lip Gloss, Selfie Stations, Madness…*

It looked like the most marvellous place on Earth. Literally a Glamour Pusses DREAM. Firstly, it was filled to the brim with the most ‘dolled up‘ beautiful young girls, you will have ever seen in your life…and secondly, as I told you early, the most glamourously ‘cool’ buzz *fast swirled* through that entire place, like wildfire. (And I was only downstairs at first.)

A huge floral wall by ‘Orla Flora’ greeted you….(they’re really IN right now, aren’t they and taking the place of the ‘Media Board’ for a while.) If you have no clue, what I’m on about…. it’s  basically a huge wall made up of flowers, that you picture by, at events…Any event…Weddings, Parties…Whatever….and I LOVE THEM. (I didn’t have my picture taken by the floral wall, whist I was there, because I was too busy drinking and being on the phone to my friend, but I did notice how strikingly beautiful it was.) 

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GIANT PINK bespoke printed balloons (by Instagram @balloonroomx) filled the room, as young influencers and hopeful future influencers selfied, pictured and pouted by them for content..

The balloons were actually really cute, because they were giant and pink, with the words,

‘YOU DO YOU BOO’

..printed upon them.

It was just ace…

So, let me just fill you in. I appeared at the BOODEE BOUTIQUE, ‘Influencers Brunch,’ which is a glamourous afternoon networking event, for all those who are wanting to be ‘Insta Famous,’ an Influencer, a Blogger, Vlogger, those who want to start building their own business or empire, or those who already have….Well, it was a brunch for chicas of that sort…as they could all meet each other, network and at the same time go around the stalls set up by companies & brands (who are currently looking for influencers to promote their lines) and go make themselves known. Pretty much all the brands where looking for ‘the new face of…’ so they were scouting and casting through the crowds of girls. It was dripped in cocktail magic and the dress code was ‘pink & white.’ (And everything about this business, or any business is about MEETING PEOPLE. It is networking.)

Got it?

Cece: ‘Hi, have you been upstairs yet? I saw you walk in. You stuck out like a sore thumb. Here’s a card for House Of Lily. I was just seeing if you wanted to come upstairs and try some of our clothes for pictures….We’re casting for the new face…’

I’m like stood in my pink faux fur, guzzling wine and texting…But there was just something about ‘Cece’ that I loved. It was the fun in her eyes…So I took the card and she disappeared into the crowds.

Then little Baby Doll ‘Charlie C’ (instagram @charliecaitlyn) caught eyes with me and dashed up, with hugs and smiles…(She is as cute as a button and kinda hot as hell.) She pretty much thanked me for coming and within seconds has *whizzed* me upstairs to go and meet everyone….

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Charlie C: ‘I need you to meet Lisa…’

Me: ‘OH! HI! IT’S GREAT TO MEET YOU..’

Charlie C: ‘No…That’s not Lisa…That’s…’

Me: ‘Oh sorry. Hahaha. Nice to meet you anyway…

(We were literally hand in hand, rushing through the crowds of girls….)

Charlie C: ‘Chrissie. Wait here. I need to grab you a candle. It’s a bloggers candle…and you have a gift bag…Here! Take that!….Oh! That’s Lisa…’

Me: ‘Have I just met her downstairs?’

‘Charlie C’ was one of the girls running the event. She’s young, beautiful, Leeds and bubbly and was dashing about like some kind of stunning ‘headless’ chica of ‘ooh laa.’ She did REALLY WELL, as that event was DIVINE. To the point where I even stopped her at the end…to see if she’d throw me an event..

That girl is so young, but so good at what she does..She is the future Queen of Party Leeds.

Anyway, I felt like a glamourous Veteran at the Boodee event, as everyone around me was so young, I’d say from 18 upwards…There were SO MANY GIRLS, all done up and brimming with hopefulness and it was made me realise how many young people in this actual day and age want to be ‘Influencers.’ It’s the new dream job. I can’t believe how competitive it was, well IS and the girls were every INCH stunning.

They were immaculate.

I agree, that they’re all under really great pressure and I can see the pressure on their faces and I agree that it’s such a hard time for them to grow up in, with everything seeming so ‘social media’ perfect. Their stars and inspirations are the popular bloggers, vloggers and Instagrammers of today. And I feel like, they feel as though, they have a lot to try and accomplish, to get to where they want to be. I’m sure it makes them feel insecure, yet it’s the CONFIDENT ONES that smash through the barriers.

(And I can pick those girls right out of a crowd.)

Yet, the thing that made me smile was the fact that RIGHT NOW, INT HIS TIME, being a BLOGGER/Influencer is such a THING.’ When I started my blog 10 years ago in Hollywood...NOT A SINGLE SOUL was blogging, or giving any shits about blogging…People were making FUN OF for writing an online diary….

NOW! It’s one of the MOST LUCRATIVE CAREERS you can have! (IN YOUR FACE!) So firstly, I’m lucky because I accidentally built by blog up over 10 years, so didn’t really have to start from scratch..I did it all the way through my modeling & tv career…Secondly, I’m old….and so to be smashing it about ‘socially’ at 37 is huge, because you just wouldn’t have thought it could happen. But it has.

Anyway, whenever I go to an event, I do the room scan, I chat to everyone I want, I try to meet everyone and then whilst drinking all the cocktails, in all the land, I’ll then just do what I want. 🙂

Me: ‘I kinda just wanna get pissed now..’

I found Lisa, the owner of ‘House Of Lily.’ She was casting for the new faces of her brand. They had a shoot set organised for the girls, who were choosing something to try on, being fitted into it and then being photographed.

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I loved watching the girls, because it reminded me of being young at model casting days. It was far less glam though and I never heard this:

House of Lily: ‘Make sure the girls are tucking their tops in properly…I don’t want any boobs out…’

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I looked through all of ‘House Of Lily’s’ pieces and they were absolutely beautiful. She’s so talented. I mean, tweed fitted jackets, stunning long sequin dresses, patterned jump suits, see through lace Pussy bow blouses….Each piece was so special and so unique…I was in love!  There is so much that is just SO ME from that brand. I’m gonna meet up with Lisa again and take a look through everything properly with her personally, because her line is remarkable and at an event, it’s really difficult after prosecco.

From that point….my afternoon changed. I don’t know what happened, but I kinda brought the *jiggy* (like I do, I mean lets face it, i’m a chip off the ‘Hilton’ brand, I’ve been raised to ‘party’ and do it fucking well.

Me: ‘I need to drink my body weight in wine..’

Rocker Lils: ‘Shall we get sambuca shots.’

Cece: Chrissie, get in an outfit and picture with it please.’

Me: ‘I honestly can’t be bothered to take ALL OF MY CLOTHES OFF at 37, to put them all back on again right now.’

Then fresh wine was poured and our beautiful cup caked, lily vased, booth…turned into a party. 🙂

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So, I basically ‘lowered the tone…’ glamourously of course! Lol.

Me: ‘We’ve all got knickers or pants on right?’

Cece: ‘Yeah. I’ve definitely got pants on.

I ‘d already decided to ‘get comfy,’ at this point, because I loved the girls. I started drinking, and dancing in the booth, and multi tasked it with selfie and videoing taking for my insta/facebook.snapchat stories. ‘PR Lauren’ sat pissing herself at me, in awe. (I went with ‘awe,’ but she was again either staring at me like I was amazing or nuts? You decide.) We might have had a ‘pose off’ also for selfies.

Cece: ‘Look at you. Please tell me it’s real! You have some life. I want it. I want you meet my daughter.’

(She has the most eye catching mixed raced daughter, who floors it in the beauty stakes. I saw a picture of her on her phone and I was blown away.)

Cece: So, you’ve done Playboy….Have you been to mansion and met Hefner?’

Me: ‘Yeah course. Gosh. I wasn’t a *girlfriend,* I modelled for the brand, which is really different…As the *girlfriends* had to pump him. Lol. I think it was something like *3 pumps* and then the next one?

Cece: ‘Hahaha. There’s me thinking he was some kind of Don, when he could only manage 3 pumps and you’re off.’

Me: ‘Well he’s old int’ he and he has to have them ALL pump him, one at a time and watch…I’m sure they were fine with it, it’s only 3 pumps and a weekly allowance. Hahahaha! It was like a grand a week or something.’

Cece: ‘Y’see, I don’t hate on them at ALL for that. A girl’ll do what a girl will do. I’d 3 pump him for that.

Me: ‘Lol. Me too. I just didn’t have the opportunity too. ‘

Cece: ‘Would you?’

Rocker Lils: ‘Noooo, I couldn’t.’

PR Lauren: *BLUSHES*…I don’t know if…’

Rocker Lils: ‘Actually, now I think about it, I might… I’d do more than 3 pumps though. I’m gonna with yeah…

Me: ‘You’d end up bloody married to him!’

And that was the tone of the rest of the evening. It was THE BEST…WE WERE IN FITS OF LAUGHTER and we’re all Yorkshire, so we’re properly down to Earth, don’t care, say whatever we want kinda gals and it’s amazing!

House of Lily: ‘We might have found the girl/girls for the brand….There was one girl that I can’t find…Go find her Cece…’

Cece: ‘Go find her! You go find her. I don’t know what she looks like or where she’s chuffing gone. It’s packed in here. Lol.’

I just LOVE northern bits of tinker…because if I was in LA I would’ve heard…

‘Honey, can you go get me that gurl already.’

If I was in London… They would’ve have been ‘darling darling’ posh.

In Yorkshire, they’re like..

‘For chuffs sake…’

…and I love it.

Literally the most amazing afternoon brunch of wild girly madness….swirled in a fantasy red lighting, with unicorn balloons and giant carousel decor surrounding me.

All the girls that day looked amazing and the all did so fantastically. Well, I hope they did. I hoped they networked well.

I WILL SAY HOWEVER, that I did notice that even though the girls were immaculately beautiful, a lot of the girls did look ‘samey.’ (I actually got told off for saying that out loud. Lol)

Me: They all look the same. I’m trying to scan through the crowd for something different or someone who tries to POP OUT.’ They look the same, but they’re all different girls? And they’re wearing the same…

Cece: ‘It’s a bloody themed dress code you idiot.’

I’m a personality girl and yes, the glam thing always works, it’s part of the job. I do it at 37 and i’ve done it all the way through my teens until now. And being in LA at the time, we took it to the next level. Yet, through that crowd of girls, there needed to be a ballsy, sassy, ‘stand out’ girl, who strutted in, didn’t care what anyone thought, looked amazing, was of great character and someone who was just unforgettable. Someone who oozed so much confidence that she OWNED THAT ENTIRE ROOM…Someone who you spoke to and was completely and utterly taken by!

A STAR! (‘Types’ SMASH IT.)

I did actually see one, but I can’t tell you who… (No, it wasn’t me, you twats…Lol.)

Great night. Ended up going to Gino’s for a quick wine, which was filled with Italian waiters and a suited party of gents who were all talking about boring things like football and how much they reckoned Rugby players got paid. (I watched them and ate pink wafers out my goody bag.)

Got the train home. Slept through my stop. Absolutely fucking nightmare. (A little lovely Geordie lady nudged me away with a ‘Petal’ and I shocked up with a ‘OH SHIT!!!’ She just smiled and like a Guardian Angel solved all my life problems…Told you, they’re everywhere.)

I ended up having to walk for ages, in my giant pink faux fur and as soon as I got home, I collapsed in a heap on my bed.

Hope you had a phenomenal Easter! Thank you for following my life. Thank you for following my ‘socials.’

Two days and I fly to Spain.

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Friends, Wine, Gingers & *C* Bombs

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Morning! Gosh! It’s such a busy time. I’m running around like a topless 😉 chicken, trying to get everything dished, dashed and sorted. It’s absolute mayhem. But, what can I say, I’m loving it. (I never take for granted how lucky I am.)

There’s a lot going on right now and yeah, it can feel stressy and yeah, yesterday I felt like I didn’t have the positive support that I needed…But today’s a new day…I’m breathing, I’m smiling and i’m sat blogging this in a giant faux fur, knee high boots, diamante danglers and with heated rollers in my hair!

THAT MY BITCHES…IS GLAMOUR PUSSING. We’ll call it *EXTRA.* 😉

Anyway, that last Sunday, I ended up meeting ‘Poggy’ at The Carleton for a couple drinks…without my bank card. (I have it now. Life is bliss.) The guy she wanted to maybe go on a date with was busy, yet instead, a different guy had waited all night until his guy friends had each left, then approached her with a…

‘I was waiting for them to leave, so I could get to chat to you….’

They ended up on a ‘date.’ So, even though it’s ‘early days,’ I guess everything happens for a reason. You get what you’re meant to get…and life sort of times things correctly for you. You’ll be surprised at how many things do actually fall into place. It’s magical and like I always say, it’s a ‘magic’ we can’t control.

I never use timing as an excuse. You meet people because you’re meant to meet them..even if right away that second, you have no clue why? It’s always for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You’re paths will keep crossing, until all life elements are correctly in place, and you’ve figured out your connection.

Barmaid to Poggy: ‘He’s the kinda man who will kiss you when you need to be kissed and slap you when you need to be slapped.’

That Sunday night ended up being wilder than I thought? So much fun. Good friends, new memories and all around a table…as day turned to night.

There was laughter, wine and sarcasm as it’s finest…and as always, we definitely got carried away. You can’t get us started with banter, in the name of wit and ‘Being Yorkshire’ we go for it.

I went to school with ‘Poggy’ and she’s been a good friend of mine for years. We were actually laughing over the fact that our ‘careers teacher,’ stated that she would become a marine and that I would become a florist, after we answered a couple of personality questions. Lol.

Poggy: ‘How the F*** did they come up with that!!’

Me: ‘I must have just said I like flowers and pretty things and you must have said that you…’

Pet Laura: ‘Like to kill things…Lol. It’s like The Hunter & The Vajazzle.’

(‘Pet Laura’ is a Dog Groomer. She found herself at our table, wishing she was in Africa, bottle feeding tigers, or something? Then she had gin.) 

One gin down and she was naming our vagina’s after ‘Harry Potter’ spells. I distinctly remember looking up and for some reason ‘Poggy’ and ‘Pet Laura’ were doing these weird hand actions and refering to their ‘lady parts’ as..

HUNTER.

(Mine’s not a ‘Hunter,’ mines just tired. Hi, True love! Where are you? Please find me.)

Poggy: ‘I think that because you have such a busy life and a busy life online, you would always need a man who is chilled. Someone who gets on with it and takes that stress away…’

Me: ‘Yeah, I don’t like a stressy man. I don’t like them to come with a bundle of emotional issues… I don’t like things to be complicated. I don’t have time to unfold, mend or cry into wine anymore.’

Y’know, everyone always thinks i’m picky when it comes to love and I’m not picky as in ‘fussy,’ i’m just happy and when you’re happy….you sometimes wonder whether you need to invite another human in? But then I think, I’m gonna need someone to carry heavy bags and do the bins, aren’t I? 😉

So, yeah, I should probably team up with a fella and do ‘lifetime’ sometime shortly.

I just don’t want to invest in a ‘fling’ at 37. I can’t be arsed. I’m not excited by them. I’m too old for that I’ve ‘flung’ all the way through my 20’s, hoping that it would always be forever. Each time I got it wrong. Even after ‘I doing it’ three whole times!

What I’ve learnt, is that I don’t need to worry about it. YOU don’t need to worry about it either. Girls always worry about it. I never do.  I have absolute faith, that no matter what, the man who truly loves me, because he can’t help it, (banter, winks, diva strops and all)….will come get me. (I shouldn’t have used the word ‘get’ it makes it sound like he’s gonna kidnap me and throw me in the back of a van.)

But you get what I mean….innit! 🙂

All I have to do, is ‘sit pretty,’ get on with life…and wait. Cupid an I are mates now. He doesn’t mess with me. I don’t mess with him. It’s simples. Plus, Girls shouldn’t chase boys. We shouldn’t have to. I enjoy the traditional art of the ‘dude coming forward.’

Annnnnyway… (I totally got distracted…)

That Sunday…day turned to night and the bright blue skies, were slowly blanketed with a navy sheet, that almost swirled in a grey mist, littered with stars. (I don’t actually know if there were stars out?? Lol. I’ve made that bit up.)

‘Pet Laura’ had left and just as she did, the outside door swung open and out popped ‘Parsons.’ (She’s a friend of a friend, who is ace, because whenever she’s drunk, she gets really gobby and starts doing hand stands and rollie pollies everywhere.)

The tempo changed to that good old, loud, cracking, fast Northern, naughty, foul mouthed, BANTER.

IT WAS GREAT! (I cannot even repeat what was said.)

‘Parsons’ enjoys to use the *C* bomb, which I always find hilarious. She’s such a free spirit. Such a wild, loud, laugh! In fact, she loves the *C* bomb so much, that she even delivers it in melody.

Everything at this point turned into a blurry, fun, wine drenched haze. And a red ‘outside heater’ glow, surrounded us. It nurtured us. It kept us safe. It obided to he rules of The Wine Gods.

Now, ‘Poggy’ and ‘Parsons’ got on really well…They have swimming in common. They want to swim everywhere together. They want to travel the world and swim through valleys.

It was like one of those moments when you first meet someone in a bar, but you’re both pissed, think you’re best friends and plan holidays together! 🙂

Me: ‘You’re definitely not going to swim together.’

Parsons: ‘Everyone thinks i’m fat. But i’m actually a really good swimmer.’

(Then she did ‘swimming arm’ demonstrations at me.)

Me: ‘I only do breast stroke with my face above the water, so it doesn’t ruin my face.’

Anyway, they had some unique ‘hoe’mance’ going on. They loved each other and mocked ‘Parsons’ ginger husband, who was definitely stood, pressing the ‘heater on’ button every 10 seconds.

Poggy: ‘He’s like The King of The Gingers.’

Me: ‘But he’s not even ginger? You can’t be The Ginger King…when you’ve got brown hair? Surely that’s not a title you can take?’

Parsons: ‘He IS ginger. I’ve got a ginger kid and i’m a brunette. I love you *Poggy,* you’re like a blond version of me… in a polo neck.’

(Now, i’ve just looked at my blog notes from that evening and I’ve typed ‘Fast pass to brown hair,’ after that piece of ‘polo neck’ statement. However, I have no clue, what that means now? Lol. All I remember was looking up and seeing the girls bickering over who had said the ‘funniest’ thing..)

‘Why have you put that down. I said something WAAAY MORE FUNNIER THAN HER and that SHOULD MAKE THE BLOG.’

All got really drunk. All had a lot of fun. I got stopped a couple times, that evening by the occasional Geordie and people who love my ‘Blog/Influencey’ stuffs.

I absolutely bantered with you all. But I was far too drunk to dish out advice, which is what everyone was asking me for. 🙂

I’ve received your DM’s though…So, i’ll try and swizzle in some time to meet and inspire. (I appreciate the love.)

Message me again, in case I forgot. There’s not such thing and reminding me TOO MUCH. I love ‘people reminders’ as I often get lost in work load and jiggery pokery.

Right, I’m off. I’ve got the babies and a lot to try and organize. Things have been so jam packed, that it’s been hectic. I fly to Spain in 7 days. Thursday morning.

I’m kinda really looking forward to getting away for a few days by myself, just to relax and finally get that ‘chill’ time in,  that I never seem to prioritize.

It’s been a busy first part of the year…and sometimes I feel like i’m running as fast as I can, but on the spot. Lol.

What I need right now, is to relax…a wine….and a result.

(Things are never that easy though, are they?)

Kisses,

Chrissie,

 

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Banter, Geordies & Life Skills

I’ve had a snotty nose all day and nothing is more unattractive on adults than a snotty nose right? It’s ran all day and i’ve had to have tissues at the ready to hold onto some form, any form of glamour pussiness. I don’t like runny noses…they’re not very Gucci. 🙂

I’m still working hard and i’m sorry that I haven’t managed to blog as much as usual. Yet when there’s a lifestyle blog, there’s a life…and sometimes you’ve just got to live it. I’m a writer and I love it more than anything. I’m creative. But when I have a snotty nose…shit goes down. I was sassy. It put me in a mood and mainly because it kept rubbing off my foundation…

‘I’ve forgotten my bronzer brush and I keep blowing my nose! I can’t have an exotic face and a white persons nose.’

I did lunch with ‘Hustle Barbie’ today as we looked over the town from a giant glass window with a salad. During that time, after she had bought herself an emergency dress for the York races, she was so happy that she contemplated throwing herself off a giant building. Lol.

‘This isn’t life. It’s shit. I’m sat here with you, doing lunch. I’m looking out the window and nothing out the window that we can see is beautiful or exciting. LOOK! It’s all shit! I mean God, you’re losing your touch! You don’t even get those creepy videos from that creepy guy with the tiny penis anymore! I feel like I should just throw myself off that tower…Hahaha.

However, because she’s so hot, if she did, some kind of weird Prosecco angels would fly by gracefully and cradle her fall, whilst turning it into some beautiful soft landing, that ended in rose petaled bedding.When you’re hot that happens. It does. Even in an bouji invisible brace.

Right now, I’m all about living life and loving it. I’m sick of people spending time on the things they don’t love. You should all be working jobs that you were made for and adore. I’m also sick of folk refusing to express how they feel about the things or people they do love. There’s nothing wrong with that, so be terrified of it. If I care about someone, regardless as to how they may feel about me, I make sure I tell them that I care about them almost every day. You’re a long time dead and anything can happen. So…it makes me feel good to let the people I appreciate know that I do. You should do that to. It’s good for the soul…like rum.

A thing that’s made me smile today..is my chick bestie ‘Firmonnell.’ She’s travelled to London with her hubby ‘Big D’ today and they’re celebrating their Anniversary. She’s 30 now…or thirty something i can’t remember? They’ve been together since she was 19! I know!!! And to this day, after all that time, they’re still happily married, now with two babies, love, a to die for friendship and they still even have sex regularly! It’s a dream! Big D ‘gushed’ about how wonderful she was today and that made me beam. I love it when guys can openly declare how wonderful their wife is! It’s so sexy!

Y’know, it’s weird as Firmonnell and I have the exact same sense of evil humour. We are absolute BANTER! However, we’ve walked such different lives. And in a way, even though i’ve done the whole everything I ‘Hollywood’ wished for in work and ‘modelled’ my way through life with telly stints, glamour ‘do daa’s’, celebrity this and and excitement…part of me wishes that at the same time, I managed to hold onto to love. I’m thirty six and haven’t managed to stay in love since being 19. I’ve been married three times. (Firmonnell liked my first husband and decided to LAUGH AT ME for the divorce because I was foolish. Hahah! What a cow! Lol.)

LET ME TELL YOU.

Don’t fret, if you’re in my glitzy position. Lol

Love comes to people at different times and i’m not talking the average kind of love. I’m talking that LOVE that people have written about over centuries. That true love that whisks you off your feet. That guy who is your ‘hero.’ That girl who makes you feel like the greatest man alive. It comes to you when it’s meant to. So for Firmonnell she was lucky because when she turned 19, he found her, he loved her and they did ‘happily ever after.’

My life’s been a bit different and mainly because of my choice in career, i’d say. Then my stint in Hollywood. Then my telly bits….It kinda made finding true love, somewhat more difficult. Not just because people saw me differently. Yet because my view or standards on what I wished for in a dream man were also raised. Infact there were times in my 20’s when i didn’t even know what I wanted, or had too many options or just felt lost and instead committed to work. But not now. I know what I want. I may have got what I want.

But yes, how lucky is Firmonnell. I’d like to have an anniversary, where my hubby declares how wonderful I am. And at the same time, years down the line, she adores him just as madly. That’s sexy.

Not much else has happened today other than a surprise visit from one of my new Geordie mates ‘Potter.’ He made a random appearance in Wunna land. Infact, after Lunch with ‘Hustle Barbie’ I found myself walking out of one door and walking through to the other side where I was immersed in a group of Geordie boys, all banter, all fun, all down to earth, all in suits and all talking football….with chicken. I’m northern, so I love a Geordie. When I was a teen, an American boy or a Geordie boy was my favourite type of crush. We all chatted shit for a good fifteen minutes in the name of banter. What i noticed about the boys is that they’re scrappy, but they’re loyal. They are passionate about the things that they care about. Banter was fun. They got a bit heated.

I’m Yorkshire and we’re chilled…we live our life by the leave it and ‘It’ll be right‘ phrase. We don’t really get too bothered about things, we just have cups of tea or 40 wines, whilst letting the world take a turn or having a ‘sleep on it.’

Saying that, i do know some properly mental Yorkshire folk who need therapy, so I take that back. I’M JUST CHILLED. I swear it’s the rest of you lot that are loopy! 😉 I’m perfect.

Right, i’m going now. I an hear singing in the house and I don’t know who or where it’s coming from which is alarming?

Love you,

Thank you for reading my blog.

Chrissie