Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.

Anyway…

The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’

Me: ‘What? OMG! SCRRRRREEEEEAMS…..’

BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!

 

 

 

In a rush……….

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‘What’s the Oriental equivalent to Black don’t Crack?’

‘I think YOU need to say it, or it makes us look really racist, but you do look about 18!’

(Mixed in with other girl convos)

‘How do you know he’s rich?’

‘Well…he’s obese,  so obviously! That guy eats!’

(GIANT LAUGHTER OCCURS.)

Then loads of flights of killer fucking stairs happened, just so i could have an egg sandwich, talks of a guy with one peck, a sausage roll, people watching, teenage gay youths sex snogging on a market stall drunk, talks of Kim Kardashians bum..

‘I mean, it looks far too heavy to be carrying around?’

‘Webbo, do you like bum implants? No, I mean like when you’re getting jiggy?’

‘No, I’m not arsed?’ Excuse the pun! 😂

And then after lots of hard work, a busy mind, a good time, the end of the day and a 24 coffees, ‘The Mighty’ frisbeed over an A4 printed document with a..

‘Hey you have nothing going on in your love life? Why not do it on telly…’ Lol to see if i would audition for ‘Dinner Date.’ Haha.

And i would, but only if i’m the picker. I can’t be bothered with cooking for strange boys. But super arsed with picking one to pretend date. Lol.

Then almost like the beauty Gods needed to cut us some slack, absolute HOARDS of teenagers in teeny tiny glammy dresses distracted us, as they poured in from the skies and alleys of Pontefract. It was like Jurrassic park in heels and diamantees. We watched them be underaged and drunk…with intense contour faces and with hair that would make you believe that they were all up for every ‘Miss World’ award. (Apart for the weird goth one who went out in just a black bra with no tan. Eww! lol)

Two teenage boys were heavily making out on the market stall, feeling each other up and everything! However now i think back, one was just pissed and the other one was Gay, so the gay one  did some *flying leap* onto the straight one, who couldn’t see, was laying on the market stall drunk and well I’m sure he started aggressively snogging him. Romance is alive! These boys were around 17. I know!!!!

We ofcourse did the polite thing and GLARED AT THEM like they were nutters the entire time and then filmed them for YouTube without them knowing . 🙂 Hahah. That’s not funny. I shouldn’t find it funny. But fuck it! I find it funny!

Okay, away from that, I have lots of opportunities flying in now. Everything’s stable, but everything’s exciting. By the end of the year something smashing will have happened i’m sure. But i have no clue what? I just have this feeling…or a rash? Can’t tell? Both good omens. Lol.  Good news gives me feelings. Stress gives me a rash.

I’m about to get organized and start my ‘A Wine with Wunna’ celeb interviews that i’m gonna film for your jolly entertainment. (Basically, i do a wine and have banter with well known faces off your telly. It’s like a interview, but obviously, you know me…so we’ll CHAT and they’ll let all loose, as i’m charming. 😉 It’s not formal, it’s casual and so much actual fun.)

I kinda only have ten minutes to write this in so i’m in a bit of a rush. I’m waiting for a taxi outside my house typing this on my phone in my spikey red nails!!!

But i had no babies last night, as the were all at their Daddies and it’s weird as when they’re around you you adore them, yet they don’t half nark you off. Lol. Yet when they’re gone and there’s just you and a ginny cocktail, you MISS THE ABSOLUTE HELL OUT OF THEM.

I literally didn’t even know what to do with myself, so i ate carbs and selfied and pretended to shout at children who weren’t around me, after dancing to Fleur East tracks, downing more cocktails, emailing a talent agent and smashing a box of takeout noodles. I obviously need therapy, cuddles or a slap. You decide. It’s like my own version of ‘Snog, Marry or Avoid!’

I rushed upstairs to blog at around 9.30pm and must have passed out with exhaustion. Lol. It’s tiring being a glamour puss. 🙂 However at that point it felt blissy. You know when you can finally surrender to finishing your day, ripping off all your clothing, pants and everything, fling off the old bra and just lay starfish, naked on your bed for those couple of minutes of nothing but peace.

Did that, must have fallen asleep, as i’ve just woken up 7am and missed my alarm. Lol. OOps!

Other than that, i’m at work all day, i’m trying to plan drinks with friends, and wang in a drink with Mark, who i sort of met at the Leeds Lifestyle awards. He’s confused me because no matter what i say to him, he always asks me ‘why?’ Lol. I’m never used to explaining myself? I guess even though i’m easy going, i must be used to shouting out demands or commands. Lol.

I need to sort myself out so i’m off. BUT, soooo happy that Russell Brand is going to be a dad! Just read it on my Facebook newsfeed. i heart that guy!

Godda go. Busy busy!

Tonight’s blog will be better…