Things were quite emotional in Wunna Land today. I’m feeling strong and the best thing about feeling tough, is that you don’t give the *niggly bits* importance.
I was meant to head a little bit ‘down south’ today…However, due to life, two schedules couldn’t ‘tango’ as one. I hope they do shortly and…I hope it is JUST schedules and not anything more? But you can’t control the way two paths cross, you can only control you part of the jiggle…and sometimes even then….you kinda have to leave shit to rum.
But I’m happy and i’m the luckiest girl in all the land.
However, again…I was meant to head a little ‘southern,’ today but didn’t and ‘the didn’t part made me realise that sometimes things & situations time out exactly, how they’re meant to.
So, my Grandmother passed over Christmas. I wrote a blog about it and as a family, we all decided to still enjoy the festive season and fully LIVE LIFE….because we watched it slip through someone’s fingers….
Today, my Mum needed me. She’s hard as nails is my Mum, her heart is kitten soft, but she’s found this time quite difficult, yet marched on positively.
The wonderful thing about today, is that she didn’t say that she needed me, i just knew she needed me….and at the last minute, after a school run…I found her, parked up my car, jumped in hers and went with her, to go see my Grandmother’s body laid to rest.
Now, I am THE MOST SQUEAMISH, human being on the planet. I like to thing i’m all sass and ‘boss’ like, yet OH MY GOD, I’ll go through the ‘fandango’ if I have too, but I’ll flitter and screech. I’ll run for the hills barefoot and naked if I have tooo! I’m brave like that. 🙂 You can count on me to save your life.
(I have my First Aid certificate and when a lady, who had cut OPEN her ACTUAL finger and needed the glamourous ‘FIRST AIDER’ to come to the rescue…I screamed, cried, ran off, had a panic attack and had to get a police man to save her. Lol)
Today, I had walked side by side, with my Mum, to go see my Grandma, who is no longer with us in soul, yet we had to walk into a room and see her body, dressed and laid….for the first time since her passing.
I’ve never done or seen anything like this in my life. I’m even having to breathe OUT, whilst telling you the story..and i’m gonna tell you that initially when the door opened….I panicked…I panicked….My brother panicked and had to run back to the car to breathe. Yet I stood there with my mum. My face blank and arms crossed. (They say when you stand with your arms crossed you’re either feeling closed off, or insecure, even if you’re stood with a face as hard as nails.)
But I looked to my left and my Mum, who is the strongest person alive…filled up with tears…tears that she tried to control…..She cries, but only when she’s really upset…She doesn’t like to cry in front of me. I never know why?
We both slowly walk up to where my Grandma was laid, fully clothed, ready for Friday and I stood and watched my Mum say her final private words to her…..
Mum: ‘I need to pull myself together…It’s bad luck to cry…’
(We’re an Oriental family…and their are traditions that run through the Burmese…sacred ones, that are magical and enchanting. There’s a respect.)
Me: You can cry mum. She’s passed now. Her souls happy and gone…this is just her body..’
I said it soft, direct, yet warm and made no eye contact with my Mum…and in that moment she let go and cried….
In that moment, I wasn’t her daughter…I was her best friend.
In that moment, I couldn’t have felt stronger, happier and like I had felt and done all the right things, at all the right times…Everything felt really REAL. It was like a magic swirled around us and like the meaning of life hit our hearts.
It wasn’t a morbid time…I don’t want you to think that. It was a warm time, It was filled with support, unconditional love, true friendship, family and blessings.
My Mum smiled like she was going to be okay now. (My Mum’s actually a Doctor, so seeing a body laid to rest isn’t something that gets to her, like it would me…. But of course seeing someone who you love, laid their still, yet peacefully is always a little shocking.)
We said our final farewells. My Grandmother looked so beautiful. My Mother looked so beautiful. I overcame a really big fear…and I can’t tell you what because even though i’m telling you a lot about the moment, there’s a whole lot of emotion that I have chosen to leave out, out of respect.
But I overcame something huge today and as we walked away….we both breathed out and got on with our day, our life, with a much clearer understanding to the way the world works.
I’m never gonna spend another moment of my life unhappy, or unfilled, i’m gonna love everything close to me, with all of my heart. I’m gonna LIVE. I’m gonna make every single dream I have COME TRUE.
I’m gonna make sure that I am always loyal to my own beliefs and to never sell myself short, or let others treat me without care or disrespect. I’m gonna be the greatest MUM, that I can be…I’m gonna smash my career to the skies and back. I’m gonna love. I’m always gonna be the best version of myself. I’m will continue to cut out ‘the negative’ and simply because I don’t have time for it.
A friend of mine was being really negative towards me last night and I just thought ‘fuck this…’ and deleted the ‘chat‘ as their ramblings were drenched in melodrama…because they didn’t feel important in my world anymore….
What I can tell you from that conversation, is to make sure that YOU DO NOT TAKE ADVICE from people…WHO DO NOT KNOW your world, or what they’re talking about….
Me: ‘Stop speaking to me like i’m 17 and dumb…’
Friend: ‘I’m not. I actually think you’re really smart. You obviously don’t know me at all. We’re meant to be friends! Everything i’m saying to you is out of love…’
Me: ‘No it’s NOT. It’s about YOU…Not me. I’m fine. I’m happy. I’m doing well! I’d appreciate it if you didn’t come at me like that…’
Bottom line…I don’t give them advice on their world or how to do their life…So, trying to control my world and my life, when you know nothing about the ‘ins’ the ‘outs’ or the inbetweens….is pretty silly. If I need advice…I’ll ask. And friends aren’t meant to judge me, i’m sure???
But yes…that happened. Lol.
However, the rest of the day went on spritely as normal…It was a great day. I’ve laughed. I’ve jiggled. I’ve worked really hard. I have a few auditions coming up and unlike most…I don’t really prep for them…I just ‘canon ball’ in with my fingers crossed, giving it the old ‘Wunna Land.’ I’m a really lucky girl and when that’s dashed with charm, you’re alright. 😉 I’m juggling really normal things glamourously and i’m on top of it now…I’m even doing the school runs!! I never got to do the school runs before, due to the wrong kinda of schedule.
Lisa: ‘Hiya! How are you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages..but i’ve seen a lot of you…Lol.’
Me: ‘Lol…yeah I’ve been ‘attention’ building on Facebook.. So there’s boobs everywhere…But I love it. It’s fun.’
Lisa: ‘You’re not doing any harm…go for it. Hahah.’
Then we strutted to the necessary parts of the childrens school playground to pick up our ‘little ones.’
A lot is going on right now.
All good stuff and hopefully my wishes upon stars will all come true. But i’m working on it…I’m working hard.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAD FUN WITH MY COMPETITION AND MADE ME THEIR SCREENSAVER FOR THE DAY!
Every single person who sent me a screenshot will be receiving a personalized picture from me. ALL OF YOU. I’m shooting the pics at the weekend, so you should get them on Sunday, methinks. So do not fret if you haven’t got your picture yet!! They’re coming! I’ve just been busy and If i’m honest, I didn’t actually realize how many of you would take part! I have a very busy weekend of picture taking. Lol.
I appreciate it so much. It shows that there’s still tons of you who love to have fun! But i’m a woman of my word…so your pics will be with you, by Sunday.
It was meant to be in this blog, where I announce the winner….who will recieve a video message! However, due to sudden circumstance today, where my Mum really needed me….it will be in TOMORROW’S BLOG!
So watch out for it!
I love you all so much!
FYI/ Thursday’s pics…are GOOOOD! I love them!