I had such a stressy night. All was well. All was wonderful. The Babies and I were a delight. All was sound, as we gathered in our *comfies* and watched telly, by the Christmas tree, with snacks.
Junior got the ‘Special Mention’ at school, so was filled with happiness. Ruby was overjoyed that it was finally the weekend, so she could relax. They had survived their consecutive day, ‘School Accident Form’ doo/dah and life was simply BLISS. (Junior was cute because when passing, he heard teachers talking about Ruby in the office. She had just had a fall. He stopped and asked if he could go see her in her classroom. Once granted, he went in and hugged her, to make sure she was okay. Aww! Lol)
Bliss! Delight! Let’s Call Disney & Tell Them To Make A Movie!
…my Mum pops around, we have a massive fight, and everything turns to shit. We’re both really strong headed, so it’s annoying, when we bicker. The thing about my Mum is that, she’s about to go on Holiday for 2 weeks. Even though she loves a holiday, (don’t we all,) every single INCH of HER worries about the babies and I, during her absence. She a proper family woman. A great mum. But she’s nuts.
After the sharp bicker, that played almost like a swift, yet verbal knife throw, I got so bored of sitting there awkwardly, (y’know when you just sit there, being silent and pulling faces, so everyone in the room KNOWS your mad, Lol) that I did the only thing I knew how to do, as a daughter.
That was stand up, storm out of the room, perform a giant, angry hair toss, fling my glitter shoes at a wall and strut upstairs, stomping on every step. Haha. I then wet wiped all my face OFF, took off all my clothes OFF and with a *HUFF* went OFF to bed!!
The art of ‘SULKING’ is exhausting. I hate it. I tossed and turned all night.
I’m such a Sasserilla, when I think i’m right, that my opponent has NO CHANCE.
Then I had this dream that I was high in the sky, amongst the clouds , but falling out of a plane, tied to Talique from ‘I’m a Celebrity.’ I’m not sure if it was a ‘losing control’ kinda dream or a sexy one? I can’t quite decide? Haha. But yes, I’ve woken up fine, but stressed…even though everything’s kinda gone back to normal. It’s made me feel unbalanced.
We do this, The Wunna’s….We have these ‘Blow Outs’ and then everything goes back to normal, straight away…and mainly because if not, I WILL SULK FOREVER. 😉 I’m a proper grudge holder, until I hear a sincere apology.
Honestly, I’m awful for a ‘sulk sesh.’ I’m not really good at it, but I FULLY COMMIT to it. I’m loyal and brimming with pride. I’m also vain, so I like to look good when I sulk. Haha. It’s great when you’re sulking, after a fight with a guy who’s attracted to you, because their willies kick into action and you always win the war.
I think there’s a problem with me because there’s no grey area. There’s no fuzzy, static channel. It’s all swift flying emotion, or nothing at all. That’s with BOTH happiness & despair. I’d sort it, if I could be bothered. But there’s cocktails to sip and I kinda like who I am.
(I currently have ‘Thanku, Next’ playing in the background. How is Ariana Grande’s voice so beautiful? She literally sounds like a dream. She can take any song and swirl it with a sound of smooth, angelic empowerment. I wish I could sing. I wish I could ice skate.)
So, I got this strange Snapchat message, yesterday evening. No. It wasn’t strange. It was actually lovely. Really lovely. The kind of message that I adore.
‘You’re so beautiful. X’
I’m classing it as ‘strange’ simply because I didn’t expect it to pop up, (I had to double take) and then I couldn’t decide if it was friendly, suggestive, by accident, all of the above, or even correct of him? I already know the guy closely. I just didn’t expect it, because he’s not in the correct ‘relationship status’ box.
That’s not cool.
However, I understand what he’ll be going through right now, because i’m going through the exact same thing…So he could’ve just had a couple of gins and let a mixture of his memories, his heart and his ‘really big’ willy take the lead.
I saved the conversation on purpose to terrify him…Boys sometimes need to feel terrified. They can’t have their cake and eat it. Even if they think they can…
I’m fine with the message though. I’ve done the ‘ginned up’ message numerous times, through life. So, I get it. My messages are always tragic though, because I don’t have a willy. (I might grow one, for kicks though.)
I wish I could just *blink* and be having fun in a Leeds cocktail bar right now.
Afternoony, my delicious trickles of honey life. (I don’t know what that means either, but just go with it, eh?) I’m feeling great. I’m feeling on top of the world, kinda like it’s my oyster. I’m ready. I’m in gear and i’m gonna be getting my my ‘Sasserilla to success’ OOown!
I’m an ambitious girl. Yes, i’m dipped in cocktail. Yes. I can be wild. Yes. There are also times when i’m quite ‘chill.’ But right now. i’ve kitty whipped myself with a wink. I’ve found my ‘ooh laa.’ Everything’s changed…and now…I’M READY.
You’re a product of your environment. I couldn’t say that enough. If you’re environment is shit. You’re in trouble. If your surrounded by things, people, a work life, OR a love life, that doesn’t give you a rush of ‘happy,’ or a simple niggle of excitement…Then you need to change it up. You’re in the WRONG place….Stay there until you’ve learnt a lesson. It’s like a life ‘naughty step.’ Yet once the lesson has firmly *squashed* itself into your heart and mind…Your soul. Pick yourself, grow 19 ft tall and
The strong ones don’t get lost in the haze forever. They find a way out, to make their dreams come true. They’re the ones with the balls, the sense…the gusto. They’re the ones that don’t make excuses for themselves, yet instead see their own faults and commit to making a change.
Praise the wine Gods.
Right, okay. So, two of my chick friends. I like to refer to them as ‘vanilla’ (yes dull) because they’re really different to me, yet I’m cool ENOUGH with our differences… It’s not hard for me to put up with them. It’s not for me to actually put up with anything. I’m pretty laid back.
Yet, why do ‘Vanilla’ chicks try to change ‘Fun’ chicks? Lol. Fun chicks, just get on with being FUN. They don’t waste time trying to change and control ‘Vanilla’ chicks…because we think there’s no hope for them. Haha.
Anyway, I’m always rambling on about my love life. You lot are always rambling on about my love life. It’s a key feature of my world and simply because i’m single. I can’t seem to hold a marriage down… three times over. 🙂 I’m 37. I’m great at choosing badly…Yet i’m dashed with a lil’ sprinkle of popularity and blessed with a sexy disposition. 😉
Wahey! Tit soup for everyone!
Anyway…I know they’re boyfriends, really well. (Neither chick is married yet. But, as the fairytale hoes…Hoes? Hahaha…..GOES!!!! They can’t wait for THEIR moment down that somewhat ‘Vanilla’ isle. 🙂 )
Chicks: ‘Why are you making fun of us for being kind?’
Me: ‘I’m not making fun of you for being kind. I’m making fun of you for being dumb…’
They’re boyfriends are always out on the lash, harmlessly flirting with ‘hottie p’totties’ and just having a good old, laddy time. They’re fun! So both of my ‘Vanilla’ chick friends, wanted to spice things up… in order to *peak* their boyfriends interest.
(NB/ Surely, they should be interested in you anyway…without you having to try.)
And because these particular chick friends of mine are dull…what the girls came up with, was ‘BAKING.’
Did the world take a turn and get drop kicked to a loony bin somewhere?
This isn’t a F****** Disney Movie!! This is real life. I mean, GOSH, a dude doesn’t get excited about sitting down and having a cheese scone with you! Even Cinderella knew that. She hired a flippin ‘Fairy’ to *whiz* her up a fancy dress, carriage and glass slippers…not a side of carrot cake!
‘Buns in the oven’ SCARE MEN. Hahaha. Like, do they need to GO BACK, to ‘Diva School‘ or something??
It’s beyond me…
So ofcourse I ranted about it on my Insta page, because obviously a guy, does not give a flying ‘hooterella’ about a BUN, as a means of fun!
That guy wants you to tickle his fancy. Y’know…egg on a ‘Twinge.’ Get him feeling steamy. Make him feel like a man.
He’s gonna chose a blowjob over a scone ALL day, ‘errrday!’ They leave their mates, girlfriends, wives, jobs and children for a blowy, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
DON’T TELL ME THAT I NEED TO BAKE, IN ORDER TO SCORE THE MAN OF MY DREAMS…
I’ve got my own problems…and baking.. ONE, doesn’t need to be added to it. (I already didn’t bake for the kids school last night.) And TWO…it’s shit! Don’t tell me shit. Haha.
Me: ‘I’ve been married 300 times. It’s fine. I’m cool, if I never get married again! You’re vanilla. Vanilla chicks, don’t try and teach FUN. It’s like me trying to teach GEOGRAPHY, when I can’t even find my way out the loo’s in a bar!!!’
Everyone just paused…
(I always do this. Stuff just comes out my mouth, then I have to stop, to see how ‘the rant’ was received. I do it with charm. Y’know… a smile and with everything crossed.)
Then luckily enough, we all just burst into laughter and poured prosecco…
Chicks: ‘Don’t put this on your Insta…’
Me: ‘Okay…’ 😉
I guess, the thing about life and love, is to just BE YOU. We try so hard, don’t we, to be the perfect version of ourselves. OR, the other way around…we don’t try at all, to even nearly project, who we truly are.
Being who you are and not giving a **** about what anyone else thinks, is something that will keep you in good stead, on your way to success. In this day of age, it’s not necessarily the easiest thing is it? We all want to do well. We all want to be adored.
Don’t get lost in the haze….Be you. Be proud of who you truly are. Enjoy and stick by what YOU believe in…
I had such a ‘drama’ Monday, after the most blissful & peaceful weekend of ‘family.’ I’ve got so much going on, that i’m filling myself with a delicious flourish of stress. It’s kinda topped up with that beautiful thing we call ‘anxiety,’ simply because i’m terrified. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me? So, i’m gonna go with hormones?
I’m back on the telly shortly…That’s worrying me. I’ve got a lot to organise with the kids…That’s worrying me. I have shoots galore and auditions coming out my ‘hooty..’ That’s worrying me. My love life is *whizzing* around me, almost madly…I don’t even know what’s going on? Yes. I get a lot of attention. Yes, I’m single.
However, I’m noticing that, if I ever begin to feel for anyone, I get stressed out, because giant *CAUTION* signs go up everywhere. I’ve always had a shit love life. So, it’s scary. Plus, I’m absolutely emotional, so to me, it only means ‘danger.‘ I do not ever want to get my heartbroken again….EVER. I tread carefully. (Well…fuck that. I ‘stiletto.’)
I have travels and schedules and places to influence…Everything’s a juggle…Sometimes, I panic and I can’t even breathe. (Cue: Drama 😉 )
But the weird thing is, i’m HAPPY. I’m really happy and maybe being so happy, or so lucky, makes me worry because LET ME TELL YOU, my life hasn’t been so easy….Haha. It’s laughable.
Basically, I’m scared of everything right now, because i’m having to pinch myself…and I need to ‘Man up,’ count my blessings and get on with it, with panache.
At the weekend, I did Meadowhall with The Wunna’s and Ruby. (Junior was at his Dads.) We were pretty much treated like Meadowhall shopping royalty (and I thank you for that, because I don’t even know why?) It did feel wonderful though.
We shopped and stopped at Wagamama’s. Then after cocktail refuels, toy stores, makeup counters, new hair (we all need those extra few inches,) and my brand new chakra beads…Life felt almost perfect.
Ruby: ‘Mum. You’re chakra beads are not working. You’re CRAZY. You’re still nuts. They don’t work.’
(She is right, though. Even though I told her to ‘shush.‘ At this rate, i’m gonna need to see Buddha and get blessed by monks, or something! Maybe i’m just not meant for ‘Total Enlightenment.’ Maybe, i’m meant to live this ridiculous life of pathetic glory, for your entertainment… Haha.)
I’m starting to believe that…
‘Hey Destiny…You’ve fucked me over. You’re off the Christmas card list! You’re chilling on the naughty list, with Cupid and a few Pretty Boy exes from 2004.’
This is how I feel right now…
Like I’ve drank 42 energy drinks, had a bottle of rum, taken all my clothes off, and then thrown MYSELF to the lions.
Then…because i’m not at all mental….
…I lost the car…I always lose the car…Oh! Wait!! I don’t mean?Ugh. I’m rambling. I didn’t REALLY lose the car! I kinda ‘misplaced’ it? Y’know, when you can’t quite remember where you left it? 🙂 My Mum, drove home, because obviously, I guzzled Aperol Spritzies…after The Disney Store.
Fair enough, there was lots of wine, brunches and fun over the weekend. I checked in with my friends…briefly. Got on top of work. Then just relaxed with the kids. However….one of my favourite moments of the weekend, was the ‘school mum..’ catch up…
(There was a kids birthday party over the weekend…)
Miss.Murphy: ‘What are you wearing!?! Lol. Who wears glitter shoes to a kids party..?? Haha.’
Me: ‘Shut up. Lol. These are my driving shoes.’
Sam: ‘Does Ruby want Pizza?’
Me: ‘It’s like the Real Housewives of Yorkshire…’
Mum: ‘I got asked to be on Real Housewives of Marbella, a while ago, but I said no…I’m too boring, for it!’
Me: ‘You said NO! As if you said NO!! I can’t believe you said no. I would’ve moved to Marbella, to have done it. Haha.’
( I live for that show…It calms me, when I’m stressed. Yet, so does the occasional Jeremy Kyle episode…? So, yeah…I’m mental. Ignore me.)
Other Mum: ‘Oh yeah. I’m gonna be flying away with him.’
Miss. Murphy: ‘You’re actually going now! What about…?’
Other Mum: ‘Oh…he doesn’t know..’
Miss.Murphy: ‘You said he was fat and bald…But he’s not at all?’
Me: ‘How have I sat here for an hour and not known it’s your birthday today!!’
Miss. Murphy: ‘So, are you seeing your date again?’
I never thought i’d be a traditional ‘school mum.’ Yet, there’s just something about this group of Mamas, that is filled with the ‘sexy.’ They’re actually not traditional, school mums, in rain macs. They’re alive. They’re fun. They have designer shoes that read ‘LOVE.’ Louis Vuitton handbags and possible stables…’
They’re, what I call ‘Prosecco Mums,’ and I love them, madly. I’m like the tragic misfit of the bunch. The single, no husband, disorganized one, with a suggestive Insta profile…
We’re all really different from one another. Yet, w’re all great women. Confident women. Great mothers and well, I just really enjoy they’re company.
Then all our kids ruined everything and shoved tall plastic, slush palm trees, in our faces…
At that point, the gossip got censored…
My inbox is * pinging,* almost every minute, with people asking me about my love life and my last date etc…
All I can tell you is that, the guy that I did the Manchester Airport date with, was wonderful. He says he wants to see me again, and I definitely will. I found him really sexy and confident. He’s smart and thoughtful. I liked him. I’find him interesting…I want to know lots about him…I’ll definitely be meeting him again. (I’m only one ‘meeting’ in. So it’s all ‘early doors.’)
I’m just treading carefully…Like I said, I’m not bothered about getting my heart broken, right now, when I have so much going on…
I eventually want to fall in love. I’m a true romantic. I want to be swept off my feet. Adored. Respected. And y’know, in that one meet up, my date was that! He was a REAL MAN, which made me notice that I’d not only been looking in the wrong place for love, but i’d wasted a lot of my time, on ‘little boys.’ At 37 years old, I don’t need to be doing that!
When it comes to love…
…this time..because obviously i’ve been married three times and had numerous flings and relationships..I want to PROPERLY fall in love. I want it to be stable and forever…with no stress. No drama.
And I do want to just say, that even though on paper, i’ve dated, romanced, flinged, loved, married, divorced, sexed..and well…just all sorts, with men, all over the world.
DO KNOW THAT….
… I never did all that because I was a floozy. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions about me. I’m a love bunny. There were options. I was young. A glamour model. Off the telly…Growing up in Hollywood…All sorts.
Yet, I never was and still not a man eater. I’m non judgemental. I’m modern. Yet when it comes to love, I’m quite ‘fairytale.’ I’m quite traditional…I’m a hopeless romantic, with a capital ‘H.’
So, every single time, I went into these encounters, with men, boys, gents, or misfits..
I always hoped (like any girl or woman,) that they would love me forever.
It just didn’t and still hasn’t quite worked out that way….
It’s actually only when I suddenly realise, that they guy i’ve been chatting to, or dating, only see’s me as a ‘bed notch’ or someone they daren’t date… It was only THEN…at that point, when I HAVE to file the encounter under ‘casual,‘ and ‘take it on the chin,’ without being embarrassed.
So i’m accidentally, a sassy, sexy, modern day woman.
The ‘Brand’ goes alongside that….and that’s fine with me, as it makes me very ‘now.’ It gives me the necessary ‘street cred.’ I’m swag. I’m cool…I’m…Blah, blah….
You get it…
Y’see, when it comes to WORK, I am that. I’m fire. I’m determined. I’m ambitious. I’m a glamourous, kitty DIVA, sprayed over, in solid steel, showers of glitter. Champagne pops around me and naughty winks, fill my walk way…
When it comes to love…I’m the opposite.
I’m not someone who really wants random casual sex. I love sex. But i don’t play a numbers game. I want to feeel a connection.
Plus, If i’m honest, I can have sex with anyone… I have an inbox full of offers…almost every few minutes.
That doesn’t make me feel mighty. It’s flattering. I appreciate the ‘adoration..’ Of course I do….
If anything it stresses me out, because I think, ‘how the hell can I have so much attention and not find Mr.Right. That ONE MAN, who will truly love and treasure me forever?’
I’m ready to fall in love…
I’m just scared to….
It makes me anxious…
Away from all that…Sunday morning was great because before Meadowhall, I got to chatter to Lil’ Sam Reece. I shouldn’t call him ‘Lil’ as he’s pretty grown. He’s a good guy. I’ve referred to him as ‘Tats’ on this blog before.
I like waking up on a Sunday morning to a Reecy phone ‘ping.’ We’ll just have brief morning banter. ..then get on with life. We chatter in ‘spits & spots’ a lot. We both always have really shit love lives…We’re both ‘Yorkshire.’ We actually get on well. It’s easy. We wired the same way. We have the same banter.. This Sunday we talked ‘car bonnets/hotels and flat caps.’
I was actually gonna meet him for drinks..But I ended up doing Meadowhall instead and he ended up doing boy drinks…
But he’s a good guy. So I have a lot of respect for our Sam. He’s a good buddy…I’d see Sam as the kinda guy, i’d go for a drink with and kiss in the elevator when no one was looking. Haha!
(That hasn’t happened, by the way, before you all get excited. But i’d definitely kiss him in an elevator…It’d be a waste of ‘sexy’ people, if not. I don’t like to waste sexy people. You only live once.)
So, a lot is happening right now emotionally & I’ve been stressed out because of it. Hence why there hasn’t been that many blogs over the last week. (I’ve read all your messages and yes the blogs are now a coming.) I’m now concentrating on work, as it’s the only thing that keeps me feeling powerful. So i’ve put away my fun gloves for a second and slipped into my girl boss stilettos.
I don’t like drama and I believe that drama is a brewing.
Tuesday morning I woke up with a foot in my face, after the best night ever of absolute impromptu fun. It was Antony’s foot, ( a friend of mine) and as I was the ‘little spoon’ to ‘Not so Ginger Brad,’ we all did ‘wake up,‘ on Katy P’s sofa.
Yet let me take you back a second…
Monday afternoon, after I lunched at Ego with my babies Ruby & Junior, we ended up at The Carleton, with friends, for afternoon drinks, as an ‘over the fence’ bonfire littered a beautiful ‘ash rain‘ over my ‘one Peroni down’ weave. (My favourite smell in the world is ‘bonfire,’ and I kinda actually enjoyed an ‘ash rainfall.’ There’s something about it, that’s sexy and I love everything’s that’s sexy, if it is delivered with the greatest beauty.)
Banter, fun and lots of love occurred. To the point where others joined the ‘good times,’ the babies had now been ventured home to bed, the girls had joined the boys and day had turned to night. (Which is also my favourite time of day.)
I guess everyone in the world is going through something, right? Every single second of the day. It only makes us human, normal and alive. Some of us take it better than other, some of us dwell on the muddle, then there’s the ones that *blank* it out.
And yeah, I’d say most people sat around our two tables, will have some kinda issue on their mind, right now. Yet, in that moment on Monday night, everyone just wanted to relax, have fun and find themselves an ‘escape.’
We all have a story. We all patter different walks. Yet, Monday was simply ours.
Everyone needs a blow out. A moment where you are entitled to feel free.
My table was filled with a Jordan, Tyler, Ginger Brad, Antony, KatyP, Hairdresser Claire, Canadian Lindsay, Daniella, Oli, Will, Ashleigh and J.D (who I noticed didn’t drink at all, all night?)
It began to rain, so we all clumbered under the shelter, under the stars and talked life, love and the world that we live around us. Nothing makes moments more magical, y’know.. when you’re sat with good friends, or new company, over a tipple, in Yorkshire, as the rain falls down around you. (IT IS shit, if you’re in the rain, yet when you’re sheltered, life ain’t so bad.)
The night *Zoomed* by because we were having accidental fun. I had a red wine and it didn’t even act as ‘truth serum’ which means i’ve evolved and just become ballsy anyhow.
Now, I don’t know what happened, but we tottered inside and we’re all buying drinks, each other drinks, getting to know each other better, creating new fun with old friends…then it all went tits up…and booze kicked in. Everything must have whizzed by us, as we all went from ‘zero‘ to ‘hero’ pretty fast.
Ginger Brad and I were actually meant to go on a date, but we opted for drinks with friends instead. (We’ve been on loads of little dates anyway, so it was fine.) But, I always do this thing where dinner has finished, yet I still want to drink forever. I never can because it’s already been last orders and let me tell you, nothing could be worse. I’m heartbroken, by this point. I love fun and I want it to last forever.
Long story short, people had paired off to have conversations. Yet the drunk kind, where nothing is ever really solved. It lead to people falling in love, strong words, impromptu lash outs, sibling fights, punching walls and accidental madness.
KatyP: ‘Right i’ve organized a getaway car, I need you to get everyone in it and be driven straight to mine.’
And just on cue, I did. Well, I got Brad, Antony and Tyler into a car, because fuck it, I’m not great at herding sheep. Saying that, it went pretty smoothly and with a blink and with freshly bought ‘petrol station’ booze, we found ourselves at KatyP’s.
We all got comfy, more people arrived and we just chilled with drinks and sang Disney Classics, after a bunch of Carpool Karaoke episodes. It was a good time, because it couldn’t be more chilled.
Then shit went down. Lol..
But only after Antony had bounced up out of nowhere and performed the most miraculous ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air’ Carlton dance in the world ever. It was so good, it should’ve gone viral.
Then there were tears…after Ed Sheeran songs.
KatyP: ‘Chrissie. Just stay in here, with Lindsay and whilst I go in there and sort all this shit out.’
And just like that…
The next 20 mins, was crazy.
I mean, you haven’t actually had a good night, if someone hasn’t punched a wall, cried, got mad and bollocked someone, and sang bits of the Lion King. Kate’s a good friend because when she feels that i’m not being treated well enough (lol) she will GO TO TOWN on the human, who has DARED to fuck with Wunna Land. Haha.
I love her for it.
I was listening into the fight, as Canadian Lindsay found a fascinator and was more concerned about wearing it, than my actual love life. Lol.
Linz: ‘Why do you guys, not do everything in a fascinator??’
(She’s worn it ever since. She’s eaten Domino’s in it and all kinds of shit.)
Me: ‘Can you care about my love life please! Cheers!’
Then I decided to do the ‘walk in,’ as it had all turned pally and chipper by this point…I was summoned forward for a ‘talk.’ Talks are not my favourite. They scare me. Yet, I didn’t mind this talk. The talk wasn’t so bad?
Talking lead to mini arguing, which led to staircase sex, with led to ‘little spoon/big spoon’ sex, which led to me waking up with a foot in my face.
It was actually a really good time….I actually felt really good.I felt great. Everything seemed all dandy.
Now (since then)… i’ve heard lots of versions, of lots of things…and I’m not one for versions…I just like truths. Quiet truths.
And technically, we’re not kinda not properly talking right now, because of ‘doo dahs’ and ‘dill dums.’
Me: ‘Are you okay? What’s up?’
Guy: ‘Not really, nah.’
One of the most important things to me ALWAYS, is someones true expressions. How they really feel! Be it good. Or bad. And I like to hear expressions from the horses mouth, because no one can really ask or answer questions for people, other than the two ‘parties’ involved, right? I like to know how people feel, because it’s only when people communicate honestly, that some kind of result is made.
I also agree, that everyone’s entitled to their own opinion…because we have a voice to use freely …I use mine and it’s great.
Yet, if i’m just getting a ‘not really, nah,‘ and nothing else….Then that to me isn’t expressive, it’s dismissive…
I’m not sure how this has turned into a conundrum? Yet, it sure as hell has…
Gino’s was great on Friday. It was the perfect treat to celebrate my soul, after a trip to Candy Mechanics. As soon as I pushed through that magical glass entrance and into the stylish, baby blue, sanctuary of Italian life, light and love…I was immediately greeted with warmth, a gust of ‘part of the family’ and a distinct zap of (what I call) ‘boujiness.’
‘Hi Chrissie! How ARE you! Great to see you again!’
(Almost like i’d never left.)
The beautiful hostess beamed with ‘Wunna’ delight and stylish Italian manager came over, for hugs and ‘welcome back’ kisses. I always feel at home, whenever I walk through those doors. There’s no place like it for me. It’s cosy and immaculate, yet filled with a fun, sophisticated, Italian vibe. Whenever I go, I’m treated so well, that all that’s left to do is to enjoy a freshly frosted glass of prosecco. It’s m perfect. ‘relax after a busy work day’ haunt.
Me: ‘I’m just gonna grab a drink, if that’s okay? I’m on my own.’
Hostest: ‘Do you need me to take your coat?’
Me: ‘No, no, i’m fine thank you. I’ll just head down to the Prosecco bar.’
She smiled like I knew my way…(and I know my way to any Prosecco bar…blind) and as I sauntered down the stairway, I cheekily glimpsed around the restaurant.
It was all a bustle, almost every table filled with good times, families and friends. Infact, it was really quite busy for 2pm on a Friday! I couldn’t see an empty table. Even when I got down to the Prosecco bar for a quiet drink (the prosecco bar was peaceful, I was the only one sat at the bar) the downstairs restaurant was also full. It was filled with a party of handsome, excited, stylish young men. Guys! The boys! They looked like they were celebrating something? But who knows? They had fun! They ordered THE BEST of everything in the entire place! Their bill actually came to a shocking amount and the great thing about them, was that they didn’t care one bit because they had spent it on ‘good times’ and memories.
I looked over at the lady behind the bar, who had already asked me what I’d like..and with a wink and a smile…my frosted glass of prosecco was right there in front of me.
*Looks down at phone.*
Abeiku Arthur: ‘Where you at? I’m in Leeds.’
Me: ‘Ginos. You coming? I’ve only got 7 percent battery life…My phone’s gonna die.’
Abeiku Arthur: ‘Yeah. Cool. Stay there. Be there in 20 mins. No. 30 mins.’
Incase you’ve forgotten, Abeiku Arthur is one of my good, good friends. He owns the high fashion magazines, ‘House of Solo’ and ‘Pentagon.’ I love our impromptu catch ups, as we always end up talking business, work and banter. We have these personas of swag, style and grace….(well my ‘grace’ is dipped in moderate SASS,) yet if you were to actually sit in, on one of our conversations, you’d probably DIE of actual ‘holy shitness.’ Nothing is more OPEN than our conversations. He brings the ‘gangsta’ our in me.
Anyway, i’m sat at the bar, sipping prosecco by myself, happily taking selfies and snapchatting life at Gino’s. I’m running out of charge because of this Tom Foolery, and if i HATE anything, I truly dislike running out of charge. (If you know me personally, you will know that I ALWAYS carry a charger.)
Luckily, whilst I was sat at the bar, I noticed a guy sat at the end of the bar, on a laptop, that had a wire that mysteriously disappeared under the bar.
I followed the magical wire with my eyes…and BOOM, I ungracefully plonked my head rapidly under the bar and OH MY LORD, HAVE ALL THE MERCY, to my absolute DELIGHT, under the bar, was charger point HEAVEN. Hundreds of sockets. Life! Light! My heart may have skipped a beat. I plugged in and charged up…Yet weirdly I did it sneakily, because you do don’t you for some reason, when you’re charging your phone in public places? There’s a sense of ‘am I meant to be doing this’ about the whole situation. But you do it anyway?
Abeiku Arthur shows up, with some vintage camera that he’s bought from some vintage store, and takes photos of me to adjust his flipping focus.
We talk work. We talk life. We talk banter. We have some many stories that would shock your soul, it’s almost hilarious. We’re both hustlers. We’re both determined. We both have businesses that have accidentally done well. I love ‘House of Solo’ because I know how hard he works and how bad he wants success. Were both hustlers by nature. I do it glamorously. He does it dipped in a swaggalicious dash of ‘high fashion.’ He loves ‘Wunna Land’ and chrissiewunna.com because, who flipping doesn’t? 😉 But really, to him, i’m amazing because i’m honest. I’m real. We always have these bets on with each other and there has NEVER been ANYTHING SO FAR that I have SAID i’m going to do, that I haven’t done YET! Well..apart from ONE THING.
Abeiku Arthur: ‘Where’s my money! You ain’t done that at all!’
Me: ‘Fuck off. It isn’t Christmas yet. I said CHRISTMAS! Anyway, I have a tab open, order a drink if you want.’
‘Nah, it’s cool. I’ll get mine.’
‘You do know, i’m getting a cocktail after this…’
‘You’re not, i’ve parked in a loading bay, so we’re on a timer. You have to come with me to see this chick, who’s got some camera lights that I need to look at…Oh! I have PR now.’
We finish our drinks, we chat about our next career stop offs. We snapchat and get annoyed at the fact that the double ‘bunny ears’ filter, only commits to one. ME! 🙂 It plays with you doesn’t it?
One face ALWAYS has the ‘bunny ears’ and the other face has to tilt and meander in order to get a ‘look in.’ But it lies to you and tells you that you can BOTH ENJOY ‘bunny ears’ at the exact same time with EASE. There’s no ease about it. You end up in the most awkward head alignment, for absolutely no other reason, than showing people that you’re in a place, with someone or no one, with ‘bunny ears’ on your head…and even worse, we only use a filter because it makes us look better!
Abeiku Arthur: ‘MAN! Where are my bunny ears!!!!’
Me: ‘Ugh! Are we really gonna do Autumn Leaves now…!!’
(He’s doing really well right now. I mean, from Interviews with ‘The Script’ and the guy who sings the ‘She my Bestie, Bestie, she may Bestie’ song 🙂 , dashed with Gucci, Prada, Vogue writers, and Fashion week galore. He could’ve done a lot worse or himself. Lol.)
Abeiku Arthur: ‘And you’re the girl that’s managed to turn the story of her life into big bucks.’
Me: ‘As if you’ve parked in a loading bay.’
Life was great! All was great! I felt really positive all weekend. It was bliss.
The rest of my time was filled with family and baby love. I took the kids out. We had the best time of merriment. We bought toys, played out. We just swirled in Wunna land love. Our brunch of choice was at Patisserie Valerie in Doncaster and simply because Junior need banana pancakes and Ruby needed poached eggs. (It is the only place that does both.)
We met up with my Mum and had the best family weekend ever. Family’s really important to me. Growing up we were always close and throughout my 20’s due to work, I lived away in LA for years and years and years…but we were still REALLY REALLY CLOSE. We tell each other everything. Were a really open family. It’s filled to the brim with loyalty and love. Almost anything goes….and I just feel really lucky to have them.
I mean even this morning, I had to have a business meeting with my mum before I set off to work and she just looked at me, beamed and said,
‘ I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t believe in you. I believe in you more than anyone…’
(And she’s not soft like that is my Mum. She’s real. She’s ‘tough love’…But she has a kitten soul. She’s a ‘tell it how it is,’ kinda gal. J I love her more than life.)
She teaches me how to be a GREAT Mum and that I am. I mean look at this…Over the weekend…Ruby finds graffiti on the wall that reads the letters ‘BT’
Ruby: ‘Mum? What’s that??’
Me: ‘It’s just graffiti babe..’
Ruby: ‘It’s like Ted Baker, but backwards.’
YES! MY CHILD ROCKS! BOOYAH! ALL THE TROPHIES!
We ended up doing a quick dinner at ‘Ego’ and then just enjoying Bonfire night, as the skies were littered with bitty burst of colour and excitement. I love everything about driving through the streets on bonfire night. The skies celebrate your existence and the airs smells of a warm, burnt whisper. It soothes any fire sign with comfort.
Saturday night I slept like a baby…
Then Keiran text me, at the crack of dawn, to see if I could drop Junior off at 8.30 am on Sunday morning….
One day, when i’ve chimed my ultimate success bell…I’ll be able to enjoy those blissful ‘good times’ and those glorious moments of ‘lay in’ without being suddenly woken up by ‘life alarms.’ I mean, I hate nothing worse than ‘alarms.’ Be it metaphorical or literal. I can’t stand waking up every single morning to the *bleep bleep* of my phone. It’s bad for my soul and sort of ‘off starts’ my day, because it forces me to get up against my will. Surely my body should wake whenever it wants to?
The only alarm I ever adored, was when I slept over at Samuel’s apartment in London, (I was on the Paris Hilton Show with him, back in the day.) He’s gay and his ‘Wake up’ alarm song was the ‘Part of That World’ by ‘The Little Mermaid.’ J
Now, i’m a Sasserilla and i’m not remotely ‘Disney’ by any means, but let me tell you, TO THIS DAY, (and do note that I have been woken up by MANY an alarm, all over the WORLD… in a zillion hotel suites, a bundle of odd people’s bedrooms, my own personal delicious bed sheets and homes across the mighty globe..) DO NOTE, THAT TO THIS DAY, that SONG has been THE BEST ALARM WAKE UP CALL, I have ever had the pleasure to rise to! You really should try it! It’s bliss!
2009 Throwback Convo: (After we had returned from an evening out with Paris at Jalouse.)
Me: ‘You actually have Ariel has your wake up alarm.’
Sam: ‘Yeah obvs! What do you have?’
Me: ‘Usually just some guy telling me he’s not looking for a serious relationship. Lol’
Monday was *chocca..blocked* with work. It was a busy one and there were no fruity cocktails in sight. You could’ve kicked me and a bundle of ‘to do’ lists, would’ve fallen out of my system and you know things are crazy when life throws you that ‘non juicy’ bone. As SURELY when people kick me, only fruity frizzles of Martini, *squirts* out of me. No such luck.
Right now i’m hopeful. I’m working hard and with my fingers crossed…I don’t expect anything, I just hope for the best really. I hope I get sent a whole bunch of luck, to go with my whole bunch of hard work and a whole jolly bunch of decent peoples, to man the Wunna Land fort. Something tells me that my next year is going to be great! I’m lucky. I’m really lucky. Please make it be great…Or this blog posts makes me look foolish. 😉
Today, I’m gonna talk about the art of PONDERING.
I’m a doer, not a ponderer. I make decision FAST. Good ones. People waste a lot of time on the simple art of pondering, don’t they? I used to. I don’t any more. I’m a grown up now. Sometimes we ponder far too much about the things we can’t AT ALL control. You can’t control them. It’s not like you don’t know that? You do and try to anyway. Don’t waste that energy. It’s always what you DO that matters. And further from that, it’s all about how much IMPACT you MAKE from that little piece of ‘doing.’
I’m the kinda girl who will do everything I CAN, I’m a positive person on all levels, but THEN I’ll leave the rest to that good old ‘life magic.’ I believe in fate and destiny. You’ll end up where you’re meant to be. For me, these days, life usually goes great, but when it doesn’t, I just slip on a different set of stilettos and dolly march forward. When you can quick change your heels and still strut forward with a whole heart and a gallop, you’ve got it!
I spent the day with ‘The Girls’ yesterday. (As in my chick friends…not my bosoms. I spend enough time with my chest and let’s face it, they’ve served me well in the past. Lol)
Little Innocent ‘FairyTale Blond’ couldn’t have been more little and innocent yesterday. Everything from trapping fingers, seeing how fast she could run down the stairs, eating fruit, making fairytale cups of tea and hopeful Disney Love occurred in her world. ‘Double B’ strutted in with her Sasserilla scowl, her weave, her bag flung over her ‘had sex last night’ shoulder and with a hangover that could… AND DID… give her tonsillitis today. (She was absent from Wunna land adventures this Tuesday. I knew she should’ve have had sex. Something always goes wrong.)
Mel had decided that her body was so smart, that during the Winter months, it naturally knew how to create an extra layer of warmth, that was made via the fine art of eating things out of the ‘filth drawer.’ (Which she can now do, as she’s a proper full fledge gym goer now and loves it. She also found a dead rat, on the tip of her leopard print shoe, whilst she crossed a road in Doncaster.) Hustle Barbie is still a Vegan and shouting at Jonsez over mangoes. Firmonell sent me a love song, about Chinese people and stated that she was really good at pretending to be a Lesbian. Lady Shizzle definitely agreed that ‘five inches’ was not a good ‘willy size’ and considered being an alcoholic…
Shizzle: ‘Five is SMALL. Six or Seven Inches is AVERAGE. Eight or Nine is BIG.’
Me: ‘Anything else is…pointless.’
Then we went through our personal lists of what our DREAM MAN or partner requirements were. Again..for no real reason. It’s just for kicks innit. 😉 Love being a girl! I’m not gonna say who said what…But here are some snippets of our convo…
‘Stylish…they’ve got to be stylish.’
‘You can give them style!’
‘No you can’t!’
‘Funny. I love funny.’
‘Sexy IS SO IMPORTANT.’
‘They’ve GOT TO BE GOOD AT SEX! I hate bad sex.’
‘Rich isn’t on my list.’
‘Rich is on MY LIST!’
‘Oooh no…you’re wrong. Attractive. Handsome.’
‘I like good teeth.’
‘I just like kind.’
‘Generous. It’s alright saying rich, but if they’re tight…’
‘Good manners. A gentleman.’
‘As long as i’m not repulsed by them then i’m okay.’
I was actually JUST telling my guy friend about the above conversation and he was astonished at the fact that not ONE OF US, mentioned ‘Loving, faithful, loyal or respectful.’
We didn’t mention any of the above, because WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO MENTION ANY OF THE ABOVE, it should go without saying. OBVIOUSLY, we’d expect anyone we’re with, or dating… to naturally come to us with a bundle of loyalty, love and respect. Surely they’re not things that boyfriends, husbands or potential partners, or even girlfriends, and wives should need to TRY TO BE. We’re women not kids. Our fun personal lists, were just for bonus points. (Ooh. I need to add ‘Hero’ onto mine. I love a Hero. Can’t believe I forgot that.)
I can’t remember what else I was gonna tell you now?
I’ve got a lot of organizing to do, so i’ve got to get going.
Thank you for following my life.
The amount of you, all over the world, reading this, is crazy and let me tell you, I couldn’t be more grateful. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.THANK YOU.
FYI/ Nothing topped my weekend off than Miss Gemma Collins, falling through a hole, on a stage, that delivered Love Island cast members, at some Radio 1 TV Awards thingy. Lol. OH my GOD. HOW I LOVE ‘THE G.C.’ She stole the show. She’s literally the funniest girl on British TV right now. And yeah, it’s such an awful thing to have happen and I hope she’s not hurt, but GOSH, she filled us ALL UP with sincere laughter and good vibes. She took it like a champ! (Definitely heard that she’s suing them now. 🙂 )
Holy Moly! Hope you’ve had your version of the perfect Sunday. If you’ve woken with the worst hangover on Earth, or steadily made your way to church? If you’ve treated yourself to a hard work week lay in? Or if you’ve looked to your right and had to roll some dude or chick out of your sheets, because beer goggles got the better of you…? 🙂 Maybe you just shopped or went to gym? Either way, thank you so much for *tapping* into Wunna land and no matter what you ended up doing, know that that was what you were supposed to end up dong, I guess?
I got up at the *crack* of dawn. I swear cockerels could’ve crowed. Early Birds sang at my cloudy windows. Wunna land switch the *on* button on at soon as daylight began to peek through into Sunday and my Mum, my Dad, my brother, Ruby, Junior and I..all showered, glammed and dressed ourselves for a day out at Sundown Adventure Land, in Retford. Is it in Retford? I’ve been as a child before it spread it wings and developed into a childs theme park and OH MY GOD, let me tell you…I have happy kids, they are the happiest kids in all the land, BUT I HAVE NEVER, seen them AS HAPPY, as they were today at Sundown Adventure land.
It has just reopened for the season, Ruby chose to celebrated her birthday there with her family and honestly, if you have children under the age of 10…(and I have two) it is THE BEST LITTLE HAPPY PLACE to adventure them to. It was AMAZING! WHAT A SWIRL! Just seeing their faces burst with this overwhelming excitement *shocked* me. I had to fast totter behind them in thigh high heeled boots, this giant white faux fur, and skinny jeans pissing myself because I couldn’t catch up! My entire family of Orientals had to *tag team* these kids like a game of British Bull Dogs…on tequila.
So, I guess..’The Wunna Babies,‘ is a thing now? As i’ve noticed that I have an inbox filled with ‘come play with my brand’ requests for ME…Yet now…there are teeny tiny dashings of…‘We’d like to offer Ruby & Junior…’
So before anything THANK YOU SUNDOWN ADVENTURE LAND FOR HAVING US. The most amazing time, with the most amazing staff, service and childhood memory magic. You made my little giblets smile. I’ll probably not do it in heels next time. 😉
Today…I was nothing but MUM…and Oh Lord….before noon, I had swung on monkey bars, gone on a Robin Hood horse journies, been shot at in the Wild Wild West by cowboys (the last cowboys I met in Wunna land were strippers, so obviously, this was an odd change ;). ) I had crept through a witches caven and controlled their evil Tom Foolery, had fudge….lived Christmas again on their sleigh ride, gone on some Gold Diggers (no jokes 🙂 ) western rollercoaster train, flown on pigs with The Angry Birds, danced in Liquorice labs in Lollipop castles…chilled for some time on the sand in Captains Cove, had tea at Goldilocks’ house in Storybook land…Met the Three Little Pigs, fell off the wall with Humpty, followed the Yellow Brick Road, tinkered in Toy Town, let the kids ‘drive me for wine’ in a tractor and loved every single WAKING MINUTE OF IT. The wind was in our hair, life was all around us and we loved it. We sort of felt life today.
The day ended with Ruby asking if I could buy the entire place, so she could live in it forever. IF ONLY. If Dolly Parton an have a Mini Theme park, I can have a Wunna Land. It’d be ace. I could name the worlds after my favourite cocktails. 🙂 The ‘Prosecco Log Flume.’ (There’s no point to it, you just get to float around in diamond encrusted glasses, smash down the bottom of the flume and land in Prosecco. Lol. My ‘Tequila Slammer’ ride would be great. You just have a lick of salt, shoot a wormy tequila, go on the ride that just *shakes you inappropriately* until you’re ill and then suck the lime once done. 🙂 *DaaaDaaaaaaaaaaaa!* My stop offs would be massage parlours, pap shoots and contour lounges. Let’s call the Disney Clan and tell them to shut down immediately, as they’ve no chance once I open.
We’ve honestly had THE BEST FAMILY DAY EVER. Infact, so great, that we all passed out in the back of the car….aaaaall the waaaay home. 🙂
Hope you venture to Sundown, as The Wunna Babies and I will be spending a lot more time there this year! 🙂
However, if you think my Sunday *pauses* here… you’d be wrong. You have another blog coming this evening…as I’m about to get everything ready to shimmie down to Manchester tomorrow, as I will be taking a cheeky, peeky into the world that we know as The Social Chain.
‘Yeah, but honestly i was mental. I was involved in some kind of group, where all my friends came over and made things like breast milk pancakes,’ said ‘Firmonnell to the Little Burmese, ‘just got back into work after shimming at The Clothes Show, with the likes of Joey Essex’ Glamour Puss.
(It felt good to be back to normality.)
Hahaha! What the actual FUCK! I literally know the BEST humans alive. Nothing, (and I do mean this honestly) made my life worth living today, as much as that statement. Not even my own children. Lol. I mean, who is ACE enough to have actually joined a group where in which women, (who had just had babies) squirted milk out of their post preggo boobs, added eggs and made pancakes with it. I AM DYING!!! HAHAHAH. We all actually know a ‘Preggo Princess’ right now and let me tell you, nothing would make me happier, than the reassurance of knowing that she also, followed the likes of ‘Firmonnell’ and made breast milk pancakes with odd, other post birth chicks and simply for kicks. Hahahaha. The evil breast feedy *force* groups terrify me. They’re like smiley, angelic looking HITLERS. They all need to get kicked when the knock at your door…with Louboutin heeled DIVA feet. I bet they all have husbands. Husbands who never get sex. See! This is where i’m going wrong. All the relationships I end up in… include sex. I’ve been a wife THREE FLIPPING TIMES…and they all took a U Turn. I need to ban sex from my love life and start forcing men to breast feed. Pancake groups for everyone!
Then the focus went onto talks of how i keep taking slutty pics in Disney/Primark Onesies and posting them all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. 🙂 In the words of Lisa ‘The zippers seem to have broken off them all.’ Lol.
I didn’t explain myself too well…as i always figure you never have to explain yourself really, when you’re Me and you have charm and winks that speak for themselves…But the actual story behind the slutty onesie pics is this…
I was shopping with my kids around Doncaster. Ruby really wanted me to look like a Kangeroo and a Fox, so we bought the equivalent Onesies from Primark. I wore them at home. The kids loved it, as it was like i was a fun toy. They went to bed. I had a whole bunch of Prosecco…the zipper came down and BOOM, that was the birth of the ever so popular ‘slutty onesie’ Wunna pics. It should trend. You all should do it. When i take them, i really do think i’m some kind of Burmese Pamela Anderson.
Is this why i’m single? Why am I a tool?
Even Keiran (Junior’s Dad) text me the other night with a casual ‘How’s Junior’ and he followed it up with an ‘I thought you’d be keeping busy posting half naked pictures of yourself.’
Blah! I don’t take playful criticism from people with giant beards. I simply stated that i looked great, hundreds of people agreed…(I WILL GET OVER MYSELF,) he ‘monkey emoji’ed’ me and then we laughed it off. At least we can have a laugh.
I mean, ‘The Mighty’ even said ‘It’s just funny because you’re doing it in a Disney, Monsters Inc Onesie.‘ Hahaha.
Prosecco made me do it girls. They should give it to people in church. (Have i officially offended everyone now? Lol)
(Oooh, i’ve just rushed to put my pink laptop on charge, as it’s running out of juice and the best smelling swirl has just danced under my nose. I’ve got this bag stuffed with bath bombs, like i’m some kind of greedy LUSH thief. They’re for Ruby’s teachers. We couldn’t think of things to get them, so we just went with bath bombs. SHIT LOADS OF BATH BOMBS.)
Lots of gents are hitting on me right now and i’m feeling so ‘whole’ that i’m not really bothered by it? It’s weird because i’m looking for love, my Mr Right. Yet, I can’t be really as I just seem to be all happy as i am and not concerned with it, until it smacks me in the face and I get swept off my feet.
In life there’s only been ONE guy that has swept me off my feet romantically. The rest have liked me, but not really. Infact, no Mikey Ray my first hubby loved me. I’m glad he’s gone on to do so well in life. He’d be dead proud of me now. But we don’t speak.
Talking about ‘no speaky!’ Get this, ‘Eton Mess’ and I aren’t even talking anymore. He hasn’t messaged me to say ‘hi’ or anything in a couple weeks. How weird. I haven’t messaged either yet girls shouldn’t have to. Boys should do the leg work and they nly do it if they’re truly into you. (And yes, i do get that lots of you are hitting up my inbox with ‘leg work.’ But, with girls, we have to properly fancy you in the first place to appreciate. We are SWINES like that.
I’ve said it before. It’s sweet getting messaged lovely ‘advances’ (at times,) when you’re not being pervy. I’m flattered. Utterly flattered. Especially as i’m smashing into thirty six on the 19th of this month. It makes me feel fanciable and i appreciate that. HOWEVER, we as girls wait for that one message fro that guy that we adore…and it’s when we get THAT message that our kitten hearts skip a beat.
I do mean that in general, as i’m totally single. There is no apple of my eye. I reckon i’m the most eligible Bachelorette going. 🙂 But i would wouldn’t I, because i’m a glamourous… plank.
The way I see it is that THIS YEAR, more than ANY year in my entire life and BOY HAVE I DATED ALL OVER THE GLOBE. Hundreds of times. Lol. I’ve romanced many a man. (That’s the problem, it should be the other way around.) But this year, i have had the honour of meeting some of the greatest guys, that i’ve ever gone on dates with in my life. Such handsome, fun, sweet, sassy gents. I’ve had a great time.
But now i’m headed for better times. Times that i deserve!
‘Why would you find it weird that I might want to go to Disney land Paris? I’ve been to the Florida one millions of times…‘ said the beautiful little glamour puss to her delicious Gay Adam.
‘Well..it was just the thought of you in the Happiest Place of Earth. I just can’t imagine it!’ 🙂
My England gays always have this image of me that projects a ‘Diva-rish’ strut of sequins, vixen and scowl. I do DO, Disney. I’ve done it ALL MY LIFE. At one point, I knew the entire Orlando Disney World, as well as I knew Meadowhall and I know that place blindfolded…backwards… and with jumbo cherries on top.
It was only a passing thought, but for a moment I paused and figured Disney Land Paris, could be a Christmas vacation option…with me now being a Mummy. So, I immediately Tweeted my gayest Gay Adam for some big old advice and simply because he ventures there at least 40 times a year! How he doesn’t have Mickey Mouse ears sprouting from his genitals, I don’t know!?! I’m not kidding. He pretty much lives there, when he’s not living in Barclays bank. He’s told me so many stories about that place (Disney Land Paris, not Barclays, as I’d hate to get him fired) that I have now officially been creeped out. Yet, when I brought up Prince ‘bondage’ Charming (read ye olde blogs to remember him,) he simply assured me that all would certainly be well and that I should probably take a sword. 🙂
Firstly, how is everything ‘certainly well’ if I have to take a SWORD! Secondly, I must be THE ONLY person, in the entire world who has to TAKE A SWORD, to the french version, of the Happiest Place on Earth. However, I’m not confused. There’s going to be no ‘Je voudrais du ‘bondage’ fromage, I am Prince Charming & need you sexually’ near ME!! Well, not without me wafting some wibbly sword about in a panic, as I guard my children from his leather strapped, ‘Did I hell marry Cinderella’ ways. (I have no idea why my sword is ‘wibbly.’) Saying that, here I am calling HIM a weirdo, when this morning, during the nursery run, I looked like a proper, hardcore odd ball myself. I couldn’t find a single space to park my car, so I had to drive around the block, about 40 times, at snail pace, which circled a Primary school, like a creepy old man, with 100 bags of sweets and a couple puppies in the back. I even had SClub7 playing for Ruby. I’m taking a sword. Whatever. Disney Land, Paris is already inappropriately creeping me out.
It’s like those crappy seaside ‘Haunted Houses’ that make you run through some run down dark box of a building, where actual human beings, with odd masks on, who try to firstly scare you, then attempt to FEEL YOU UP, in the dark occur. I actually feared for utter MY LIFE, the last time I ran through one. I PAID to get felt up, in the dark, by men in budget ‘scary’ masks and against my will. I mean, who has that as a DAY JOB! (‘See ya love, I’m off to be a weirdo at a haunted house now & feel up strangers, after a Zombie walk. Kiss the ids for me.’)
I looked at the man who took my money after my seaside, ‘Haunted House’ experience… (I had to walk all the way around the outside of the building to get to him, because the ‘Exit’ is always a down some dismal alley like road, that seems so far away from where you ‘Entered,’) and informed him that the next time I was ever foolish enough to dilly dally in such a location…I would totally take knives. You walk in a virgin and come out of that place a slag. 🙂
But yes. I do ‘Happiest Places on Earth.’ It’s only my UK gays that think I don’t. My LA gays, think i’m super ‘bimbo’ happy. I’m like Asian Barbie to them. Still sequins, light and strut…but with a bubbly, infectious, giggle of maybe what they saw as ‘man eater.’ 🙂 I never ate men. I used to ‘hobby’ boys in my 20’s simply because i needed love. At the time I thought I was having the best emotional time ever, when really I was simply getting over my first divorce and doing it via the fine art of partying. It’s never a good combination…a break up…and then a party recovery. Michael(my first hubby) never did that. Hence why he’s rich and famous now. He never went out, he never partied, he just worked, worked, rested and worked, stating that one day he would be where he wanted to be and could then have all the fun he wanted. It worked.
‘Successful people have successful habits.’
(OMG, I totally have the worst flu ever and i’ve taken an antibiotic and two Beechams powder capsules. I now feel all high and weird. Never good when in public and staring at a computer screen. I need bed, cuddles and that Santa onesize that I saw at a local outlet store.)
But yes, beside the point. I do Disney. 🙂 Ask one of LA bestie’s Ronnie Woo, who is now ‘The Delicious Cook.’ www.deliciouscook.com
He’s now a celebrity chef that cooks for the people of LA, on the telly. He used to drive to my condo in the morning and simply shout of of his car window, ‘GET UP. LETS DO DISNEY TODAY.’ When we got there, I was in the same outfit as a 5 year old girl…like literally. We were both short frilly skirted and polka dot head banded, in the exact same pink and white. 🙂
So there, I don’t just rock up the cobbled Yorkshire streets, in the cold and with nipple tassels on… scowling. I do happy, Disney stuff also. Plus, I was only ever scowling because I was COLD. I’m exotic. I need heat. In the cold, I just stand in one solid spot and freeze, until i’ve turned into an impressive, yet moody ice sculpture, where I’m picked up as one whole, giant object and plonked on someone’s buffet table at a wedding. 😉 My imagination is far too vivid. It’s the pills. Don’t get the flu folks. It sucks and forces you to indulge in gibberish.
Anyway, last night I happy hugged under a budget chandelier and in life when that opportunity occurs, you know you’re going to be okay.