Grandma’s, Dick Pics & Birthdays

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Life is great right now. Everything seems to be slotting itself into the right place 😉 and even though i’m wishing for even MORE amazing times to come, i’m not feeling foolish enough to forget that right now, I’ve got it pretty good.

Yesterday, I got you all to ask me questions on ‘sex,’ on my Insta Story and you excelled yourselves. My story hadn’t been viewed as much in donkies years. Lol. But yes, sex is a big part of my 37 year old world, so I really loved answering your questions, simply because I think it still has a bit gummy ‘TABOO’ label, slapped upon it, when it comes to openly chitter chatter.

I’m a cocktailing Glamour Puss. If I know about anything, I know about ‘whisky sour’ dripped sexy time. 

(All was going well, until some sexual therapist woman, decided to hate on me.)

There’s plenty of room for everyone, so don’t try and elbow me out the way. I hate giving direct advice, because I don’t agree with telling other humans HOW to live. All I do is share and I do it by telling MY OWN story and letting people ‘take’ or ‘leave’ anything they want from what the hear.

Anything inspiring comes from MY OWN life experience and emotion and not from from a dusty old ‘Refer to Paragraph A’ textbook.

That’s a polite and glamourous way of saying…

FUCK OFF. 🙂

I’ve loved Halloween, but i’m glad it’s over. I might even light a few sparklers and get Bonfire night out the way, simply to hurry it up to my favourite time of year….

CHRISTMAS.

I’m a December born baby. I have a birthday on the 19th and this year is extra special because i celebrate..

10 years of CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM 

I actually hit 10 whole years, earlier in the year. I think March?  But I didn’t want to celebrate being ace, in March. 😉  Instead, I wanted to give myself a big old ‘pat’ on the tequila back ON my ACTUAL birthday…so i’m gunna!

Wiggle.Wink. Hip Bump.

I was gonna throw a big old party, but I decided not to…Instead I’m gonna do it my own way..and you’ll find that out shortly. 😉

Strap in, Dollies.

(Wait, I feel like I need another 11.38am wine. Except it’s now 12.40, so I’m all cool and appropriate.)

It’s lil’ Sam Reece’s birthday today. He’s turned twenty six and it’s great. I’ve loved our paths crossing this year & our hungover Sunday morning snapchat banters.

He’s certainly the sexiest twenty six year old my eyes have ever seen, so I felt the need to post this pic everywhere. 😉 It’s a beautiful piece of art.

Ladies of the world, you can ‘thank’ me later.

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(Oh God. I’m sat in at The Mallard in Doncaster blogging. I always choose the quiet ‘away from absolutely everyone’ corner, but it’s got really busy. A grandma, is out with her grandson and is looking at me every three seconds. She’s doing that thing where her Grandson says or does something impressive, & wants me to acknowledge it also. Hahah. I feel under pressure to perform. Lol) 

This is not what I signed up for. Haha.

Now dudes are hounding my Facebook messenger and sending me photos of their genitalia. I don’t mind a dick pic AT ALL, if I know, and fancy the guy. I think it’s hot. It’s sexy.

Yet, I don’t like dick pics from strangers, at all. It’s just not sexy and not because i feel disrespected. Just because I’m not sexually excited by anyone, until they’ve managed to mentally stimulate me.

Flirt with my mind. Get in my pants. Simples. Haha.

Grandma’s. Dick pics. AND I have a tractor in my hand bag. I just can’t cope. Lol.

WHAT IS MY LIFE!!

Chick friend: ‘Can you not eat a chicken wing, like you’re giving it head please. It’s a family pub.’ 

Me: ‘And don’t I fucking know it! Hahaha.’ 

Right, I’m answering your questions on love & dating today. I’m moderately distracted because there is MADNESS going on around me. Lol.

I keep lifting my phone in the air and pouting to film by answers for you. People keep looking at me, like i’m strange.

I’ll give’em that.

HOWEVER, I do actually think that THESE DAYS, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to selfie take or film for your instagram in public. You’re almost behind the times, if you don’t believe that and frown upon those who do?

Anyway…

Head to my Insta Story and ask me a question on love, dating and relationships. ( @chrissiewunna.)

Thank you for following my life,

Chrissie x

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Is Everyone on Holiday & Willies?

Everyone is DEFINITELY on a *sunny sunny* holiday BUT ME! I’m in this place, that my rather glamourous chick friends and I have labelled ‘B City.’ It’s a terrible place (lol) of hard work, panic and now, now, now. It’s almost like running really fast on a treadmill, whilst people throw things at you, in heels…and without thre being some kind of glorified result at the end of it. Hahah! ‘B City’ JUST KEEPS GOING! It’s hilarious! *Selfie Here.*

I am certainly sure that I should be bobbing around with boobies, in a pool, on some inflatable flamingo lilo, with a fruity cocktail in my hand, sunglasses and as the blistering exotic sun beams down upon my kitty soul, to the peaceful sound of holiday.

But no..I’m working solid…in ‘B City’ without a paddle but a smile on my face. I mean, look on the bright side. I might not be sunning it up…and yes I am bitter about that. But at least I got to talk about willies for a good 4.2 minutes with ‘Hustle Barbie’ before six o clock.

‘I don’t like small willies.’

‘You can’t marry someone who has a small willy…’

‘But what if they do have a small willy, or are shit at sex?’

‘Well, I’m not 17. I’m thirty six, with a raging libido. Hahaha. I need to see the willy before I commit to doing forever…’

We smiles. We piss ourselves laughing. Life went on.

‘Cya!’

‘Bye!’

‘I’ve a great holiday!’

I adore girl banter. Maybe we girls should pay more attention to the hideous amount of ‘dick pics’ that litter out inbox? I always thought they were a nuisance. They ARE a massive nuisance and i’m an an open minded girl. But it’s only because i’ll be trying to email out a business plan and then some random stranger from Barnsley or wherever, will decide that i need to see his willy inbetween it all. I will have no clue who this human is…yet in his world ‘Chrissie Wunna’ needs to see a picture of his genitals. I really don’t. Yet, if I was smart, I would’ve used them for market research and created some ‘match your soul to the perfect willy’ dating app, for girls. 🙂

I will say that due to my *stamp* of what seems like forever, to the point where I might need to begin choosing the cats that i’m going to order when i’m a lonely 80 year old bat 😉  and still single in a cocktail bar because nobody can be bothered to adore me (do note, I’m only being dramatic, I’m still in a swirl) ….AND the fact that social media fame is labeling me as some kind of ‘eligible bachelorette.’ (Such a catch. 🙂 ) Anyway, all these dating sites are trying to get me to be the face of their ‘dating app’ campaign.

Now, I’m not an online dating fan. I say it all the time. I’ve done specific interviews on how much i dislike the process and I don’t mean when it comes to  chat. I’ve said it’s a great way to find people and get to know someone. Yet I dislike the whole ‘otherside’ to the Tinder/Happn bullshit.

I’m too old for it and unconventionally traditional when it comes to  ‘boy meets girl’ and they fall in love. I don’t wanna see or hear a ‘swipe right.’ It’s dull and robotic. I want that real ‘Knight in shining armour’ love that sweeps me off my feet uncontrollably, that poets have written about for centuries. (Wow. I am dramatic this morning.)

Can’t remember what I was on about now? Lol

Oh yeah…It’s just weird that so many Dating Sites are trying to hustle into Wunna Land with pay cheques and potential deals.Do notice that I haven’t done one yet! Meaning, that I do only chose to do the things that I ADORE. I won’t just sign up to whatever shit for a fee and a smile…but mainly because i’m so busy at work, wallowing in the art of ‘B City’ and with juggling life, that right now, I only have time for the things that I adore. If i said yes to everything…i’d probably be really rich and..well dead. Lol.

WHEN IS IT THE WEEKEND! UGH!

But no. When i have the opportunity to fit it all in. I will. 😉

So yes, as some of my chick friends…Oh and Webbo… head off to exotic lands, sunny sands, sunbathy diaries, filled with cocktailed nights of chill and good memories…I am still here…not on a flamingo lilo.

*Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

Have fun! Happy Wednesday!

Ps: Yesterday I learnt that some boys are bitchy. When did boys turn so Queeny? You’re dudes. Be men. Adore the girls that you’ve chosen to adore and do life your way. I heard loads of boys hating on other boys yesterday and it sounded really really…GIRLY. Don’t do it. Girls talk openly because we’re emotional and need that release. Women (and now i’m old, i’m a a total woman now) well we talk when it’s smart to…as we never feel insecure enough to hate. We’re grown. That’s the difference between boys and men, I guess also?

Bukaki, Life & Dating

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‘A what?’ 

‘Bukaki..’

This is how my day began!

Infact, it’s probably why I’m single, as I am totally not up with all the porn lingo that the young 20 somethings are sizzling out with!?!

Did YOU know what ‘Bukaki’ was? Or am I just frigid? (Getting a flashback of when Andrew Thomas dumped me in Chemistry, in the middle of a private boarding school for being frigid via the fine art of a scrunched up ‘pass around the class’ note. Lol.)

Anyway, there’s me, thinking I was some Hollywood, ageing sex symbol, who was British Besties with Paris Hilton for the telly,  some Goddess of a chick who was dashed in all kinds of ‘Ooh laa!’ (Totally waited in a Greggs queue, in Pontefract, for a sausage roll at 8.32am this morning, like my life depended on it. Yes. That’s how glamourous I got! You better call Ronaldo and tell him you’ve found him a wife.)

BUT I had NO CLUE what ‘Bukaki’ was and this is how it was explained to me…

‘It’s when a bunch of boys stand around a girl and all *&*!$£”* off around her until one of them cums. The first one to cum IN HER FACE and hit the target WINS!’ 

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE……!!!!! Lol. That’s how 21 year old ‘Double B’ explained it to me.

I wasn’t the only chick to be alarmed, as ‘Fairytale Blond’ frowned and pretended her beautiful ears did not hear such evil. Haha. The others either *winced* or swore a little. I began to look puzzled, as I do enjoy knowledge and do also try to be understanding when it comes to matters of ‘play…’ Yet ‘Firmmonell’ turned around, looked her female soldiers in the eye and said…

‘What? It’s just a game!’

JUST A FUCKING GAME!  Hahaha! This isn’t a round of ‘Guess Who’…well maybe? 🙂 What happened to romance??? (She has a ‘Sex Step.’)

I mean, it must be weird being knelt there on your knees, in the middle of someones living room, with an odd male semi circle of knobbly knees surrounding you…as you kinda wait around until ‘SPLAT’ you’re a target! Hahaha. Who does that???? HAHAHAHAHA.

AND to make it worse it ORIGINATES from the Orient! (My own KIND!) I mean, yes it was meant as some form of torture and punishment, but porn has turned it into some kind of Wednesday night ‘sex game.’ This is like the conversation I had with Lisa Appleton in a giant birdcage at Menagerie last month…’PORN RUINS EVERYTHING.’ It’s NOT real. No chick I know, would enjoy ‘playing’ Bukaki’ after tea. Lol. Play Poker! I mean yeah, there’s still a lot of sitting around for ages, but at least you won’t have to make deliberate ‘ooh ‘ faces on demand and pretend that you’re having a GREAT TIME! Hahaha! (I shouldn’t find this funny, it’s disgraceful. 🙂 )

Up until this point, I had thought my Facebook inbox was terrifying. Yet, Bukaki has made it look ‘Disney.’

In fact, talking about my inbox, i’m giving it a bad wrap because it has actually completely cleaned it’s merry act up. Bizarrely and quite fortunately it has *bloomed* and gone from being a series of men, attempting to *woo* me via genitalia, before they even thought to just say ‘Hi,’ TO NOW being an inbox filled with messages from absolute gentlemen who simply want to politely compliment me. It’s lovely! My inbox has grown up and therefore that must mean I have! I feel quite proud! Lol. *You can applaud here.*

But yes, other than that, I’ve had a busy day! We as a nation have officially been *drop kicked* back to reality and even though I’ve MISSED WORK like crazy, it seems that after you’ve had a bit of a break, bucket loads of Prosecco and all this quality time with your loved ones, it’s really hard to adjust back to ‘work mode,’ isn’t it! Lol. However, it’s only difficult initially, as after Day 1…you kinda get over yourself and smash it. Humps don’t last forever!

I will say that getting loads of messages right now from people congratulating me in regards to the UK Blog Awards (there’s more to come on that in the next blog…YES…I made the final 🙂 🙂 🙂 ) and I’m also getting asked about my love life….A LOT!

I don’t remember saying that I was going to go on more dates this year? But GOSH give me some time, we’re only on DAY 3 of 2017. Hahaha! You all got so excited with the Wunna Land swirl of break ups, make ups, Spanish Doctors, London Business Men, Sexy PE Teachers and ‘Eton Messes’ of last year, that you’re twiddling your thumbs and trying to frisbee me into Cupid. I’m EXHAUSTED! And now I think about it all and reflect, I kinda sold myself a bit short at times, during last year with men. I’m quite loving and giving when it comes to the ‘love bug.’ I’m thoughtful. I’m fun, but i’m gentle. I was NEVER in LOVE last year by any means and never in a relationship. But i do quite happily fall in love with people all the time. I’m not emotionally restricted.

Yeah, the guys I met last year we’re great (as friends) yet if i’m being honest, they didn’t really respect or treat me as well as they maybe could’ve of. Of course and as always a couple of those gents are now trying to ask me out again. However, now that i’ve sat back and reflected upon it all (and now that i’m doing well and work is going great 😉 ) I kinda just see them as distant mates.

However, don’t get it twisted…Cupid and I are NOT MATES! His aim is shit. I’m a Glamour puss. I can most certainly fire a flirty, glitter arrow at a ‘Handsome’ better than some dude in a nappy. I’m like a stubborn SHOT PUT in the game of love. You TRY and throw me anywhere against my will….and you’ll put your own back out.

Right now my focus is on career…..and I think i’d kinda like to date a guy who’s focus is on his career also. I want to date someone who’s my best friend, someone I’m madly in love with, yet someone who I can ’empire build’ with. Someone i’m going in the same direction as. To me…that’s the sexiest thing EVER and surely it’s not too much to ask? I just wish that guys of that manner weren’t too shy to approach me, as sometimes they can be really bold in the career department and somewhat less brave when it comes to ‘The Ladies’ and trying to form actual loving relationships.

However, for the time being, i’m just gonna concentrate on work because i’m ever so happy with everything right now. I’m feeling lucky I’ve had this AMAZING start to the year…and like I always say to you…I’m not worried….He’ll find me.