Next Time On First Dates….

Afternoony, my little trickles of glistening, tinsel torn, kitty wrap. (I don’t know what that means either? Just go with it.)  How are you? I’m great. But knackered. Family airport runs, kicked me in the ‘girl parts.’ I can’t open my eyes. At least if I had ‘goolies,’ it would cushion the blow. Infact, if I had ‘goolies,’ I wouldn’t WANT to open my eyes. I’m too awkward for ‘goolies.’

I love calling balls, ‘goolies…’ like the ‘Juicy’ velour joggers…I want to bring it back! 

I’m currently blogging from Ackworth Garden, by Baby Jesus and the 3 Wisemen. Hopefully some of their wisdom *rubs* off on me, (it’s usually other things that dudes try to rub off on me.)  But i’m feeling lucky!

I’m not too bothered about Baby Jesus, though? He’s been strapped down, by a beautiful chica named ‘Leoni’ who bakes reindeer buns and he now looks a little ‘bondage.’ If I glued studs onto him, he’d be winning at life.

Why am I trying to ruin Baby Jesus? He’s done nothing wrong? Can I get into trouble for that? I reckon i’ve done pretty well to not have already BURST INTO FLAMES, simply by being near ‘Godly’ looking characters.

UGH! I’m so tired!!

(And I’m already getting trolled by keyboard warriors. It’s only 17 minutes past noon. Gimme a break.) 

Okay. I’m gonna cut the crap.

*Slurps Americano.*

Last night, I stayed up to watch ‘First Dates,’ on Channel 4, because next MONDAY, 10pm, I’m on it and they always do the..

‘Next time on First Dates…’ thing, don’t they!

I actually love, that bit….Of course as well as the show! (It’s a great show because it combines, raw and real, surprise moments, with positive banter, dates and love.)

However, when it’s YOU, on the ‘Next time on First Dates…’ bit, it’s kinda surreal????

I haven’t been on telly, on a big show… in a really long time. In fact, it was almost 10 years. Time has flown!! As if it has been nearly 10 ENTIRE years, since I tried to be Paris Hiltons Bestie?? I must’ve got so old, without realizing.

They say that happens….

BUT, luckily,  i’ve managed to fit  a lot into that time. I’ve wiggled out two babies, had a marriage, a divorce, created a sex toy range, been on numerous dates, had a rubix cube of career changes, started a business and done everything in between.

It may not seem like it, but i’ve done alright. But more importantly, i’ve enjoyed it and also met so many wonderful people along the way.

I’ve  also ‘diaried’ it all out. ‘ALMOST’ every day. 😉 I’ve been hungover, busy, tired, scared or lazy, on the days that I skipped.

At least i’m still cocktailing….

You can’t win’em all…

But yeah, I’m much older. (37.) I’m much wiser. (NOT.) Yet, still just as annoying on the telly!! How can this BE!!!! At 20 something, I didn’t realize how annoying I was!!!??!!!  I thought I was ACE!?! Now, i’m like ‘WT *ACTUAL* F!!’

I’m going to take a ‘troll festival’ of online battering….

I usually never ever watch myself back, because like most people, I find myself SO CRINGE. I look different. I sound different But only to me and no one else?? Haha.

However, I can tell you this time, I couldn’t be more giddy, to watch life in the First Dates restaurant, as I strut in and try my hand at love, next Monday.

There’s just something about that place, that fills your heart with ‘ooh laa.’

There’s a magic in the air and it’s filled with goodness, life excitement and hope.

UGH! I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU, BUT I CAN’T!!!

Here’s the clip I saw, last night…

Me: ‘Why have you not told me that I have an annoying voice!?!’

Firmonnell (Chick Bestie) : ‘It’s not annoying. I love it. No one will be surprised by your voice, but YOU! Haha.’

Brett: ‘Your laugh definitely needs a bit of work..Lol…BUT your voice is just YOU!’

Sal: ‘She doesn’t have t tell you….Everyone else will have their cyber go at telling you…Lol’ 

Me: ‘No wonder men thing i’m weird!!!’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s not your voice…’

Me: ‘Can we blame my voice please…K’thanx..’

You need bits of banter to survive it…

(Your friends will have ya back, always! They’ll give you a good roasting, yet won’t let anyone else talk shit about you! Hahaha. The masses who might give ‘trolling’ a go, didn’t go through the what I did, what I have…Some of them, won’t ever have the opportunity to treasure such a moment…and a moment only has to last a second. That’s why it’s important to celebrate all that you are and all that you do…regardless!)

Anyway…

…even though i’m dashed with the ‘oh my goodness…’ reliving the moment will be nothing short of an absolute joy.

I mean that with all of my heart…

I’m the luckiest girl. ..and I love moments like this because you also get to actually SEE part of my life journey, in real life…instead of just in written word.

I mean, I talk about love, dating and all sorts, on a daily. You ask me questions about love, dating and all sorts on a daily, on my Insta Story.

That’s why it’s great to let you BE THERE AND SEE for yourselves, this time. Y’know, hear (Lord help you) and feel with me….It’s almost like letting a ‘book’ come alive! Letting words dance off a page…

If you follow this blog, you’ll get it. You will know how much LOVE means to me. It makes my heart flutter, my eyes glisten and my world go around in a ‘swirl.’

I’m never scared of hearing my heart break, because it’s broken and crunched so many times before, that it’s a trooper…It didn’t matter if I was here in the UK or in West Hollywood, my heart filled with glee and ‘ouchied,’ just as many times. 

But i’m still here smiling! I’ve always given love a go, whenever my heart tells me to, because I know how important it is. 

‘A life without love, is like a song without melody…’

What I’ve learnt about love, over the years is to take chances and that no matter what, your heart will always heal. Even if it takes years! It will always glue it’s pretty self back together and help you feel magic once more, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET IT. ONLY if you also LEARN from the bad times and stick at it. 

When i’m in love, I’m alive.  We all are….Even when we pretend we’re not! Even when we pretend we don’t need it. Sometimes, we fool ourselves….

(Wait! I just need to check to see how Baby Jesus is doing?)

I wish I had more sleep?

I wish I could tell you everything, now! But no can do! I have weeks of blog stories!!!

Why do I look like I rolled around in a pig sty of bronzer, whenever i’m on the telly… ? I look like an Asian Miss.Piggy! But I weirdly love it! It’s me. I’m me. I mean, fuck it, i’ve done it now, haven’t I!

Anyway,

My Inbox is now FULL of guys, asking me out on Dates?  It’s mental. It’s like a spaghetti junction of lost penis.

One guy’s sent me this…

‘Let me take you on a date next week…Lunch and then a random activity.x’

Random Activity?? Hahaha. I’m terrified!  Isn’t that just the same as ‘Netflix and Chill?’ 😉

Code for:

‘Hey Baby, let me give you snacks, then bone you…’

I will tell you that my friends are filled with utter glee, by the simple fact that i’ve actually gone this far to find love….Hahaha..

‘I can’t believe you’re actually on it!!!’

‘I cannot believe you’re doing a First Dates!!’

‘I feel so sorry for your date!! Haha.’

‘I am so excited, because there is no actual way, that you don’t make a dick of yourself! Haha!!’

‘As if, you went on a blind fucking date on the telly! Lol!!’

‘I love this!!!’

‘Can’t wait for this! So low key of you! Haha’

‘Your annoying voice, has just filled my living room.’

‘There’s no way, he’s asked for a girl like you.. Haha.’

So yeah….

Monday, 10 pm, Channel 4….You get to watch me, strut into the ‘First Dates’ restaurant in hope to find true love…..

Wish me luck…

Chrissie, x

ps/ A guy has just sent me this message…

‘So, what ya saying babe…3 pics of ya tits, 2 of ya ass and i’ll transfer £400 to you…’

THEN sent me a screenshot of a bank transfer to a girl who had said ‘yes’ and agreed..

Where have all the good men gone?? 

 

Fights, Sulking & True Love…

I had such a stressy night. All was well. All was wonderful. The Babies and I were a delight. All was sound, as we gathered in our *comfies* and watched telly, by the Christmas tree, with snacks.

Junior got the ‘Special Mention’ at school, so was filled with happiness. Ruby was overjoyed that it was finally the weekend, so she could relax. They had survived their consecutive day, ‘School Accident Form’ doo/dah and life was simply BLISS. (Junior was cute because when passing, he heard teachers talking about Ruby in the office. She had just had a fall. He stopped and asked if he could go see her in her classroom. Once granted, he went in and hugged her, to make sure she was okay. Aww! Lol)

Bliss! Delight! Let’s Call Disney & Tell Them To Make A Movie!

THEN…

…my Mum pops around, we have a massive fight, and everything turns to shit. We’re both really strong headed, so it’s annoying, when we bicker. The thing about my Mum is that, she’s about to go on Holiday for 2 weeks. Even though she loves a holiday, (don’t we all,) every single INCH of HER worries about the babies and I, during her absence. She a proper family woman. A great mum. But she’s nuts.

After the sharp bicker, that played almost like a swift, yet verbal knife throw, I got so bored of sitting there awkwardly, (y’know when you just sit there, being silent and pulling faces, so everyone in the room KNOWS your mad, Lol) that I did the only thing I knew how to do, as a daughter.

That was stand up, storm out of the room, perform a giant, angry hair toss, fling my glitter shoes at a wall and strut upstairs, stomping on every step. Haha. I then wet wiped all my face OFF, took off all my clothes OFF and with a *HUFF* went OFF to bed!!

All. Lights.Out.

The art of ‘SULKING’ is exhausting. I hate it. I tossed and turned all night.

I’m such a Sasserilla, when I think i’m right, that my opponent has NO CHANCE.

Then I had this dream that I was high in the sky, amongst the clouds , but falling out of a plane, tied to Talique from ‘I’m a Celebrity.’ I’m not sure if it was a ‘losing control’ kinda dream or a sexy one? I can’t quite decide? Haha. But yes, I’ve woken up fine, but stressed…even though everything’s kinda gone back to normal. It’s made me feel unbalanced.

We do this, The Wunna’s….We have these ‘Blow Outs’ and then everything goes back to normal, straight away…and mainly because if not, I WILL SULK FOREVER. 😉 I’m a proper grudge holder, until I hear a sincere apology.

Honestly, I’m awful for a ‘sulk sesh.’ I’m not really good at it, but I FULLY COMMIT to it. I’m loyal and brimming with pride. I’m also vain, so I like to look good when I sulk. Haha. It’s great when you’re sulking, after a fight with a guy who’s attracted to you, because their willies kick into action and you always win the war.

I think there’s a problem with me because there’s no grey area. There’s no fuzzy, static channel. It’s all swift flying emotion, or nothing at all. That’s with BOTH happiness & despair. I’d sort it, if I could be bothered.  But there’s cocktails to sip and I kinda like who I am.

Anyway…

(I currently have ‘Thanku, Next’ playing in the background. How is Ariana Grande’s voice so beautiful? She literally sounds like a dream. She can take any song and swirl it with a sound of smooth, angelic empowerment. I wish I could sing. I wish I could ice skate.)

So, I got this strange Snapchat message, yesterday evening. No. It wasn’t strange. It was actually lovely. Really lovely. The kind of message that I adore.

‘You’re so beautiful. X’

I’m classing it as ‘strange’ simply because I didn’t expect it to pop up, (I had to double take) and then I couldn’t decide if it was friendly, suggestive, by accident, all of the above, or even correct of him? I already know the guy closely. I just didn’t expect it, because he’s not in the correct ‘relationship status’ box.

That’s not cool.

However, I understand what he’ll be going through right now, because i’m going through the exact same thing…So he could’ve just had a couple of gins and let a mixture of his memories, his heart and his ‘really big’ willy take the lead.

I saved the conversation on purpose to terrify him…Boys sometimes need to feel terrified. They can’t have their cake and eat it. Even if they think they can…

I’m fine with the message though. I’ve done the ‘ginned up’ message numerous times, through life. So, I get it. My messages are always tragic though, because I don’t have a willy. (I might grow one, for kicks though.)

I wish I could just *blink* and be having fun in a Leeds cocktail bar right now.

Why am I so grumpy today???

I’m missing ‘The Swirl.’

 

 

A Little Bit Of Inspiration & Dudes

‘Did *what’s his face* message you?’

‘He doesn’t as much now. He DM’d me the other day, but it was mucky, so I ignored it.’

‘What about the Naughty Swede? Hahaha.’

‘Yeah. He sent me voice notes at the weekend and on Tuesday, saying he has time of work. Hopes to see me sometime. Hopes i’m well..’

‘What did you say?’

‘I just wished him well. What can I say??’

The Swede is always lovely when he voice notes. Yet, it’s strange how other guys can only seem brave enough to talk ‘sexy’ to me. I don’t know whether it’s because they just see me as ‘sex.’ (Which I don’t like. I’m a lot more than a pulsing vagina, whether they like it or not.)

I don’t know whether it’s because THEY THINK, that’s how I’d like a guy to be, after seeing a couple of big boobied pics? I don’t whether it’s because they feel more comfortable emotionally with that approach? I just don’t get it? I just don’t know?

But right now, it’s not a priority. So I don’t seem to care. I don’t have time to aimlessly amuse a guy and ‘tickle his fancy’ on lonely nights. I have better things to do.

In this phase of my life, I would only have time for a guy, who made an actual effort.

Everyone else gets chucked in ‘fuck it’ bucket. Cya!

Sacha Not Fierce: ‘You’re such a DIVA!! Haha.’

I had my opening conversation via Whatsapp on my phone, during a foggy school run, this morning. I was strutting through a playground, in glitter heels, my specs and with a bag of shin pads in my hand. Oh! And I also had a little half Asian Baby attached to my leg…Luckily it was mine, which kinda saved any awkward situations.

(I was once in Camden and someone else’s child had got lost and accidentally attached itself to my leopard print faux fur. I hadn’t even had Ruby yet, so I remember looking down in terror. Then I realized it was a small child. So I smiled and said, ‘Life isn’t going to be better with me, Lovely! Let’s find your Mum.’)

 Big Kisses! Big Kisses! See you at 3.30pm!!! At 3.30, it’s the weekend, Babies!!!

Junior: ‘I love you MUM.’

Ruby: ‘When i’m older, i’m gonna be rich, just so I can have assistants.’

I’ve got so much going on right now, that i’m kinda just focusing on ME!! It may seem like I do that quite a lot. However, I actually really don’t. I get distracted by things easily. I put other things first. I sometimes give ‘distractions’ unnecessary priority.

But, at the end of the day, I’m a boobied Glamour Puss, not a Sergeant Major. That’ll happen. Yet, it shouldn’t happen ALL the time. I was INCREDIBLY motivated when I was a 20 something. You could see a ‘fire’ in my little Asian eyes. Now you see a ‘giggle.’ But the ‘fire’ is coming back.

It needs to come back, pronto. I think i’ve left under a bed sheet somewhere?

Sasha Not Fierce: ‘I don’t think you get distracted. I think you get bored and when you’re bored, you *hobby* boys, things, drama….anything, just to occupy your brain.’

‘Well, i’m not bored right now, i’m busy….’

Sasha:  ‘EXACTLY!’ And that’s why your focus is on YOU, Sassy Pants.’

Me: ‘I think I need botox?’

Old School Friend & School Mum (As i’m running back to my car):

‘CHRISSIE WUNNA!! I was having my cuppa tea this morning and WHO popped onto my screen!?! I nearly I died! I choked on it! Haha. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like OH MY GOD!! It’s…’

Me: ‘Haha. I know. It’s shocked everyone. But yeah, it’s on Dec 3rd…’

‘Well, I’ll DEFINITELY be watching!!! Good luck! Haha.’

Monday, December 3rd, 10pm, Channel 4. ‘First Dates.’ Set ya tellies!

‘I’ve been thinking about ‘The Swirl’ aka ‘T Bone’ a lot. He’s in my head. But he’s in my head because I miss him and i’m inspired by him. I need inspiration right now. He’s someone that’s really GOOD at focusing on what matters to him and balancing it all appropriately.

He sees the big picture and gives everything his all.  Now, I look back. I get it…because i’ve kinda found myself in the exact same position as he was in. I hope I see him in the near future….But I kinda probably won’t.

I’m also inspired by Toby, we know I am. He’s a life soldier. He’s a fighter. He’ll smash the upcoming Winter Olympics and again he’s someone who seems to stay very focused, without letting the art of ‘tango’ or ‘distraction’ get the better of him.

I’m glad that I briefly crossed paths with him, because he reminded me to take life and opportunity into my own hands. Like I used to!

It must be one of the keys to success. Both guys are sportsmen though. Maybe they’re taught that mentality, every day…

You’re a product of your environment right?

Saying that, Mike wasn’t at all a sportsmen? My first husband. (My Little Mikey Ray.) I’d already  had a few  dreams come true, so I knew that anything could happen. MY parents taught me that anything could happen if I tried, because they made THEIR OWN dreams come true. Mum came over here with only £17 in her pocket and built an entire EMPIRE by herself…

As did my Father, who trundled to the UK with his fingers crossed. He ended up being a bone surgeon and building his surgeries, across the lands.

Mum: ‘Yeah, then we had you. We thought we had it all sorted and you turned around and said you wanted to be a MODEL!! Hahaha! I was like, GOD!! RAY! What are we gonna do?? We know nothing about entertainment!!!??!!!’

(But i’m sure that can’t be true because my dad ABSOLUTELY bought The Sun Newspapers ‘Page 3’ Calendar every year and put it up in the living room. Haha. It didn’t even bother my Mum because she’s cool. Maybe HE inspired me! Lol. )

Whilst he did that, my mum took me around to every single dance class, agent, performing arts school, competition, audition, acting class, ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

You name it…I was there, from being about 7 years old onwards…and this was at the same time as doing school. I went to a Private Boarding School. I had a wonderful time at school. But you kinda had to smash it academically and perform. It wasn’t like you could toss it off and play ‘absent.’ It was competitive. But I liked that, because there was still a warmth!

Plus, all the kids there WANTED to do well. There wasn’t a single pupil there would ever turn around and say, ‘I can’t be arsed to be here.’

We LOVED being at school. It was like a resort, a well protected bubble.

There was no ‘hanging out by the bike sheds, sipping cider.’ It was all. ‘Have you signed up to golf, or pony trekking? I’m bored, do you want a quick round of tennis before tea? ’ Lol.

I remember getting pulled out of class, during my G.C.S.E years, to go shoot a campaign, or audition for a pop band..(lol) Everywhere I went as a child, to compete during this time…Sheridan Smith (who is huge now) was there, with her mum. Doing the exact same thing.

Everything must have been so hectic for my Mum. Yet to me it seemed busy, but it was just so fun and easy. However, I’m now only GOOD at working under pressure. I can only be productive when I have A LOT GOING ON. Otherwise, I get bored…and when i’m bored, you’ll know about it.

Meghan: ‘You’re never home! You’re always out and about.’

I still came out the other ‘G.C.S.E’ end, with 9 A’s, a couple A *’s and a B (for Maths!) I am RUBBISH AT SUMS. I can’t be bothered to add.

Miss. Liddle: ‘Did you see my SEESAW post!!! I’ve found what Junior’s good at! I tested him on his timetables. I put them in front of him, didn’t help him at all…and he got them all right! I was like YES!!!! Look in his bag!’

FINALLY!!!! BLISS! I COULD’VE CRIED! (But really! I could’ve cried!)

So, I have one child that’s a glamour puss and loves poetry, reading, success and beauty. Then another who loves maths, building, codes and logic.

Wait! I’ve got distracted again!

SHIT! I was meant to be talking about how I watched Mike’s dreams come true!!! Haha!

So yes…Forget all that. It must be all lies, because I seem to be good at making everything about ME, most of the time! 😉

BACK TO DREAMS COME TRUE…

Nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough…SOME dreams come true, but I reckon,  they come true because people work HARD, and succeed on purpose. They put everything in place, so that one day, when an opportunity for ‘dreams come true’ comes their way…THEY’RE READY!!

That’s all you have to do, right? Put yourself in a good place and the right place. The rest you leave to life magic and keep your fingers crossed. There’s always an element, a force beyond your control.

I WATCHED Mike’s dreams come true, with my very eyes. I watched him go, from wondering how he was going to  afford a Burger King, to doing a scene with Tom Cruise, in a movie, as I sat in a cinema.

I watched us never go out, because we had auditions the next day. I watched us once having to run out of The Saddle Ranch without paying our tab, to then a year later being sat at a five star restaurant, at dinner, on Valentine’s Day, next to Tom Hanks and his wife.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! AT ANY POINT.

That’s why I hate it when people give up, because they stop believing. They run out of ‘fight.’

I mean, there are always moments where I sit with my head in my hands, thinking ‘FOR THE LOVE OF ABSOLUTE GOD!!’

But every time, I just take a deep breath, swig a wine and get on with it.

Don’t run out of hope. Don’t run out of ‘fight.’ Keep karma on your side, always, because HOLY SHIT, it can be a BITCH.

Love. Live.

Try not to doubt yourself. Focus on how far you’ve come. It’ll impress you.  It’ll stretch you that little bit further over the line, to get you where you want to be.

Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s depressing. Be inspired by them. But don’t compare your life chapter, to theirs. You don’t know what they’re going through behind an Instagram Pic.

Don’t let other people get you down. It’s your version of life, not theirs. Celebrate YOUR story. I’ve never had anyone ‘hate’ on me, who’s actually doing better than me. 😉 Use any ‘hate’ to motivate you.

I call it ‘Operation: Watch Me Now, Boo.’

Make the right choices FOR YOU. After years of sometimes making really bad choices and failing miserably, over and over again, I will actually tell you that it made me smarter. It made me stronger. Made me wiser.

HOWEVER, some of those opportunities were opportunities that really only come around ONCE in a LIFETIME. Lol.  I properly fucked them up because I was distracted. I had to find another tunnel and dig my way to the light. Save yourself some time. Haha.

Stay focused.

I would’ve preferred to have made the right decision in the first place.

I hear a lot of wise people advising others to ‘fail as much as possible.’ And I get that. It’s true. It makes you mighty in the end. You shouldn’t be scared to’ get back up when you fail,’ I guess is the message. Yet, DO KNOW that whenever i’ve made a GOOD DECISION (yes, that HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED BEFORE) and done something right the FIRST TIME ROUND…. It hasn’t felt bad AT ALL. It’s actually felt WONDERFUL!! Haha.

I feel like Dr.Phil. Wait! No I don’t because i’m about to shoot topless on a space hopper, with a martini glass in my hand, for my birthday Insta pics.

We all have different lives. Do yours well!

I wonder what ‘Fairytale, ‘Hustle Barbie, Mel, Firmonnell and Double B are all doing? I haven’t caught up with them in ages.

I’m getting a Flash back of a time when Double B, Fairytale and I were all sat ON THE PAVEMENT, outside some building in Leeds, after a night out, waiting for Prince Jonny, at around 2am, some morning. Double B had her shoes off and some drunk Ginger guy thought we were homeless and threw change at us!

Hahah….

Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.

Anyway…

The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’

Me: ‘What? OMG! SCRRRRREEEEEAMS…..’

BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!

 

 

 

Blending Out Bullies, My Love Life &The Future….

Afternoon, My Cheeky Little Treats!

This morning, I woke up all stressed and anxious.I don’t even know why. Then little bits of life, that respond to the names ‘Ruby & Junior’ filled my world with giggles…At that point, everything was okay again.

I’m having one of those days. One of those days when you need to crawl back into bed, speak to no one for a second, have a moment, y’know…a ‘word with yourself’ and start it all over again.

SIGHS….

However, life is rooting for me, because after the early school run, I looked down at my phone, as I watched my petrol station Costa coffee, trickle out the machine and waved at one of the Dads I know.

Anyway….I saw this on Glamour Magazines Twitter ‘Moments.’

..and it reminded me that not only did I have a purpose, but doing pretty alright at inspiring and standing up for love, myself and for others, who may not quite yet have the balls to ‘sing out loud.’

I’m really proud of the ‘Blend out Bullying‘ campaign and I’m so glad that I joined Glamour Magazines crusade to wave ‘Cya’ to Cyber bullies.

That made me smile. I skipped away from the gas station…(Sorry! I mean .PETROL station. I still think American, for some reason.) Anyway, I skipped away like the happiest bunny in all of the land, because they reminded me that no matter what, in life, I did something that helped make a difference, to someone, somewhere.

(I’d like to see MORE people ‘Blending out Bullying.’ You’re the STAR of YOUR OWN SHOW. Make a difference. See love, not dollar signs.)

As if my favourite magazine is showing Wunna Land some love…and AS IF, I appear on my favourite tv how in a couple weeks.

I’m having to pinch my kitty self…. (Ooh…Vodka spurted out. 😉 ) 

Anyway…

Last night, I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote a blog, in the dark, whilst in bed. I’m utterly CRINGING at myself, right now. YET, I promised myself that I would flipping post it, because it’s how I truly felt, at that particular moment…at that precis time…

AND SINCE THAT’S WHAT I’M ABOUT…

*Rolls eyes…*

Here’s what I wrote…

(Rewind to last night…)

 

I’m literally sat up in bed writing this, because I can’t sleep. It’s only early. I guess around 9.30pm? But everything around me seems so still. So quiet, I feel really calm, yet my mind (as always) is fluttering. It’s busy. It’s racing. I’ve poured a wine, which is sat on my bedside table. I’m typing in the dark. I have no clue why, I couldn’t be bothered to switch a light on? I can’t see my keys, so I feel like I’m typing blind. But it weirdly feels amazing. It kinda feels really real. How all my writing should be done.

I can’t stop thinking about my life tonight and I don’t know why? I want to succeed and make all my dreams come true. Y’know, just do really well, because when you do well at the things you love…you glow and no feeling is better than that. That’s not what i’m thinking about though. I don’t even know why I typed that out?

I’m thinking about my love life.

I know! Surprised right?

I’ve just got back from a late night trip to the supermarket…to buy wine. An elderly lady stopped me. I’ve seen her around a lot. I do know her a little bit. But It usually makes her day when she sees me, because i’ll always stop and chat to her. I love making time for her. I love making her day.

Anyway…

She always tells me how much she loves me because ‘it’s good to see a girl BEING a girl…’

Tonight she told me, that I was pretty…’a beautiful girl,’ but then added…

‘You’d think a girl as beautiful as you, would’ve found someone to be with, by now.’

I smiled, I thanked her. She was so cute and I adored every minute of seeing her.  I love the elderly, because they’re wise. Even the rude ones are wise. I always respect their words and absorb what they have to say. Times and things may have changed, yet how people FEEL haven’t. You can always, always learn a life lesson from an old lady or gent.

However yeah…

‘You’d think a girl as beautiful as you, would’ve found someone to be with, by now.’

She’s right!!

Don’t get in a tizzy, as i’m never one to really listen to what others think…But she’s left my mind ticking. She must have. I’m sat up in bed, in my bra and glasses, typing the dark because I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about what she said?

Now, i’ve never really felt lonely. I never feel alone because my world, the world I created ‘Wunna Land,’ is filled with love. I’m surrounded by life. I have a close family, who stand by me. Ruby and Junior, my babies…Their hearts are filled with utter joy for Mama. I have some great friends. Good company at times. I have a mini sized audience, and most of all…I have me.

(I’ve always been my own best friend. I’ve always been really comfortable being ME and i’m happy with what I stand for. Yeah. I’ve disappointed myself loads, through the years. But on the whole…I’m more than happy with who I am. Who i’ve become.)

Right now, I don’t feel lonely. But why don’t I? I should, right? But I don’t…(Even the little old lady feels bad for me, now and she shouldn’t! Haha.)

I almost feel like i’m bubbling over with this exotic life force of happy juice?

It doesn’t matter what you do, provided you don’t harm others, or yourself and you are happy with your official life choices, right?

I know that i’m single and i’m aware that i’m knocking on a bit now. I feel young spirited, yet glad to be a 30 something, as I accidentally brought wisdom and dignity along with me, on my little journey.

God knows how???

I CERTAINLY thought, i’d lost BOTH at one point. I was positive I left them in some bar in LA, when I was 24. Yet, they found me. (And whenever I say God, I am always referring to ‘Bacchus’, The God of Wine.)

Yipppppppeeeeeeeee!

I know, I must NOT be scared to be alone…as I still seem quite happy to go through life picking through boys, and walking away from marriages, because they hurt my soul.

They just weren’t right, because I compromised my heart, myself, or I just wasn’t thinking….

I said ‘YES’ to those marriages impulsively, because I’m a hopeless romantic and I fall in love, when I FEEL excited and I do it so madly…so deeply.

But I  haven’t felt like that in ages.

The last guy that made me feel like that was ‘The Swirl.’ (Who i sometimes name ‘T Bone.’

When I don’t feel excited, I find it really easy to ‘shrug’ the moment off, with a ‘he’s just not the right guy.’

But I like that about me. I know how I feel and i know what love and excitement feels like. When it hits me again, I’ll notice. Yet this time i’ll be ready.

I don’t think there’s an age, when you SHOULD find love. I don’t say anything, but I hate it when I hear chicks, say, ‘I need to be married by 30.’ Or, ‘I need to find Mr.Right by the time i’m…’

You really don’t.

Love to me is always about chemistry…

I’ll find it, but this time I want the real deal.

THE REAL DEAL …

and i’ll wait forever, until I find it.

Until I feel it.

The next time I marry, (if I marry, I can’t decide if it’s an old school concept? I might be ‘blah’ about it because i’ve done it so many times and it hasn’t been right?) I’ll marry the most exceptional man. He’ll be a GREAT MAN. An incredible man…and I DO intend to one day find the man of my dreams. I fully intend on doing that…

Yet, if I don’t…I’m fine with that also. I don’t know why? I guess, I’m like this because i’m happy, right now? Maybe, it’ll kick in when i’m 80 and seriously alone, with all my cats and no one to love.

Knowing me, I’ll still feel fine and pour a rum, for everyone else, in the old peoples home, as I wink at Jeff, with the dodgy back.

If i’m being honest, unlike work, where I create my own opportunities, I kinda expect HIM (The man of my dreams)  to find ME. (Lazy, I know. Lol) I find that far more romantic. I’m traditional like that. Old school romance just gets me going…I’m finding i’m both. I love the art of old school romance, mixed with a modern day twist of unconventional, yet unconditional love.

(Mouthful much!)

I might have already crossed paths with him? I might not…Who knows? I’m just not worried about it and if you’re in the same situation as me, you don’t need to be worried about it either.

DON’T WORRY!

So, yeah….

*SLURPS WINE*

Let’s just go with he’ll find me…

Every single part of my kitten soul, says he’ll find me.

He’ll come get me…

But he’s not as pathetic as I am, so he won’t be slurping wine out the bottle, typing in the dark, in a bra and glasses. 😉

He won’t be sat awake typing a ‘Dear Diary….’ post, because a lovely old lady in the supermarket was worried about his well being.

YET…

..he’ll see the beauty in it…and think, SHIT, that’s exactly the kinda girl I both want and NEED.

I like to feel needed….

I’ve noticed that… (I get that from my Mum.)

Cheers! Hurrah! Sadness for everyone! Haha.

But yes..

There’s a single guy, somewhere in the world right now, who is utterly MADE to be my life buddy, my other half, my ‘bestie, bestie’…my soulmate…my  guy.

And I completely trust that LIFE (you jolly old thing) will have my back and send him my way, with bells on…but when the timing is exactly right.

He may already know it, or he may not? He may have no clue? He may have never ever heard of Wunna land, or even ever met me yet…?

OR, he may already be in my phone contacts…

Who knows…?

But i’m excited…Are you?

(ps/ I don’t even know if i’m gonna post this, because I usually wake up in the morning and cringe at what i’ve ‘tipper tappered.’ My mind goes wild and my keyboard fingers get all excited!! Yet, no matter how cringe, I feel, I’ll promise myself NOW, that I’ll just post it anyway… I mean **** it. It’s exactly how I felt at 9.30pm, on Nov 14th, 2018, right? And that’s what this story, this diary, my lil’ version of life, is all about.)

I messaged Toby back last night, because he had thanked me for writing the blog about him. He was quite the gentleman about the blog…He’s a utterly real being. He’s not dashed in fakery, from the brief bits I know.

Toby: ‘You’ve captured me pretty well in your blog..’

Me: ‘I’m either a really good judge of character, or just really good at stalking. Lol’ 

Thank you for following my life…

Chrissie x

 

pps/ I’ve got a school mums dinner tonight and i’m excited. I’m meant to be at a film premiere…But I opted for the Mamas, over the red carpet. 😉

 

 

FRINALLY, BOO!

Happy Friday Feeling EVERYONE! You made it, you delicious treats of ‘ooh laa.’  I hope you can feel the excitement jiggling and I hope you embrace every inch of your own kinda weekend bliss!

You deserve it. We all do.

I LOVE FRIDAYS!

(It just always seems like an achievement. Y’Know one where you can either stick on ya nipple tassles or pull on a jumper, in celebration…Yet still know everything is going to be okay. Well, for the next couple days anyhow. Lol)

FIRSTLY…

Thank you for taking a moment, to click and find yourself here.

It means the world to me. You’re sexy and have excellent taste in bloggers.

Hurrah! Porn star martini’s for everyone!

No matter what you’re doing, whether you’re planning your outfit for a weekend of debauchery, running around after kids, pouring 40 wines, keeping your fingers crossed that ‘date night’ goes ahead, working, or working ‘it,’ crying into a gin, swearing because your friends have let you down, or simply taking advantage of a big old chill, where doing nothing at all, is your comfort…..

KNOW that tonight, you have The Wunna land ‘magic’ by your side and I wish you ALL the best, you kittens.

(Don’t get into trouble though, because knowing my luck, i’ve sprinkled you with the ‘take it too far,’  fun bug. I always intend for calm, but get myself into some kind of accidental predicament and live a morning of ‘post cocktail’ regret. Once I took my friend out in LA, and sold him for chewing gum. Then I got a call from my other friend, you id managed to lose, who woke up having accidentally changed his sexual preference, for the night. 🙂 )

OOPSIE!

‘Post Cocktail’ regret is always the worst kind of regret. Drink steady. Live large.

Oh fuck it. Do whatever. I’m starting to sound like Mother Mary. I’m sending MYSELF to sleep.

Okay, so i’m a bit bored and i’m on the hunt for excitement. This is always dangerous for me. But i’m having to ‘wait’ on something, which will cause excitement and to be far, i’ve been pretty patient, to say i’m not at all, a very patient person at all.

I get bored VERY easily.

I had a guy (well friend of mine) moan because I’m apparently ‘the sexiest woman he’s ever seen,’ yet he couldn’t even think of dating me because i live too far away. (I’m an hour’s train journey away. Lol Which to me, isn’t that far?) 

So already, if a guy is concerned over a small journey, then the chemistry, or pull isn’t strong enough for him…which is a sexy lil’ shame because he hot. ( I know people who lived in different flipping countries, who dated…and two of them are now married.)

Chemistry always overrides distance, if it’s real, right? 

But that’s that story. It feels like ages ago now. 

Then I stalked ‘Runnings’ on Instagram, who i’d been following anyway…because I adored his story.  I’d watched him have a ‘happy’ moment on tv one night and it made me smile. I openly told everyone that I woke up at 3am and decided to stalk profiles. His was the best kinda stalk. Lol

Being me, I tagged him in it, so he knew!

Anyway, he ‘thanked me‘ (because he’s kind) and when I went in with comedy and sass, he replied with laughter and a…

‘My only questions is why it took you so long to Instastalk? I did my stalking ages ago!’ 

SMOOTH! I like it!

So we’ve had brief banter and he’s concerned that he may smell like brocolli, yet quickly assured me he was made of chocolate?

I like both, so either way’s a win for me. Haha. 

He’s meeting me in Vegas at six o clock in the morning, one time, at the chapel for the wedding…which will be our first date.

I’m good at weddings in Vegas (lol,) so i’m sure i’ll smash it.

Then he said..

‘Well, we’ll see if our stars align and we bump into one another…’

Is that romantic, or a blow off? Haha. I’m so out the loop, I can’t tell?

But he followed it up with asking my permission to ‘physically pick me up, if our stars do align.’

He’s built like some kind of GOD. So hey, why not give the lil’ Asian a ‘lift up.’ 

I’d be like an angry, sarcastic chihuahua. He’ll love having a pet.

(Oh,shit! That sounds rude!  can make anything sounds naughty!) 

Yesterday morning, I managed to catch up with a friend of mine ‘Sailor B.’ It felt like I hadn’t seen him in ages, so it was really really good, to see him, walk passed a window, spot me and beam.

I like making people happy. 

We chatted over morning wine and caught up…and the thing I like about ‘Sailor B’ is that he’s so easy to get on with. We’ve become good friend. He’s hard, but he’s soft all at the same time. Lost and found. Just a little bit of everything really… He’s honest…WELL…with me, he’s honest.

It was good morning….

But I just had a niggly feeling in the back of my mind, that something wasn’t okay…?

Something wasn’t sitting well with me?

Anyway,

We said ‘bye’ before lunch time., so we could get on with life…This was after we chatted to my chick bestie ‘Firmonnell,’ (who has used her Friday to pour wine on shit.)

YET…I STILL HAVE that ‘niggly’ feeling with me. I still have it now?

I wonder why??

But anyway…

Whatever, you get up too…

Just have the most wonderful weekend.

I love you,

Chrissie, x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Panic, Sport, Sexting & Co Parenting

I’m definitely not at the Dior counter anymore,’ said the puzzled Asian Glamour Puss, to herself, like a lunatic, in the middle of Sports Direct, at Xscape, Yorkshire.

Right! So. This morning, I dropped the babies off at school. Well..just Ruby, because Keiran (my ex hubby) dropped Junior off. We saw each other but said nothing, because Keiran’s turned all weird.

Anyway, this term, in P.E (not my favourite subject) Ruby, has football and I’m loving this equality thing, because 20 years ago when I was in school, in the ye old glamour pussy days, girls would NEVER be playing a game of footy, would we? Ruby’s exactly like me, so she’ll hate every minute of it. Haha. But whatever, at least for others, there are now opportunities.

However I’ve decided I hate equality, when i’ve not read the memo and forgotten to buy her football boots, shin pads, socks…and well..everything, she needs for the day. Lol.

I had about an hour to dash off, find the goods and return them to school, so she could at least have a bit of a ‘footy’ go.

I walked around Sports Direct today, like I had been blown in from Kansas, to Oz, in a house that just squashed a wicked witch.

I was lost!

I just looked destroyed and confused.

Anyway, being the drama queen that I am, 😉 I must’ve done it well..because within seconds really helpful, sporty looking, life savers *popped* out of nowhere, to save my soul, from isles that I didn’t even know existed, like fairy godmothers, in tracky bottoms, with ‘happy to help’ name badges.

They probably thought I was stealing. Haha.

Anyway, I simply stated what I needed. My face looked forlorn and within minutes, they whizzed around and..

BOOM..

I paid and was not only out the door, but back at school, like a champ, with the goods, for the loin fruit.

If you were raised a Wunna, you would know that during moments of utter joy, you spank other Wunna’s on the booty, until it jiggles repatedly, out of love and excitement. She couldn’t really do that during playtime, in front of her crew and various teacher, but I saw the ‘Mama Spanky’ Glee, in her eyes.

In that moment, I felt VICTORY.

(Even though I did get distracted and buy breakfast at Starbucks mid rush.) 

The Babies adore me at the minute Being Mum feels great. It’s made single mumming it worth it. Ruby hasn’t been to her Dad’s in ages out of choice and it’s not his favourite, but he doesn’t force her to do anything she doesn’t wish to.

Junior just doesn’t like his dad. He loves him. But he doesn’t like him, because his Father is now a massive Jehovah’s Witness…and with that, comes all this ‘not fun’ stuff. With that comes having to lead a double like at five. With that comes learning how to lie & judge others. Learning how to hide things from his Dad. Learning how to….

You get it. I don’t like it and I don’t like it because i’m so laid back and open about life.

Keiran’s driving me mad with it all. Yet, at the end of the day, I’ll stand up for what I believe is right for my baby boy…He’s a good Father, he just gets lost in bullshit, before he wakes up and realizes, what he’s doing.

But anyway…I’m not here to go on about that…

So big thanks to Sports Direct, for saving my soul. I know nothing about football, at all. Well, maybe a couple things about footballers? Lol.

I’m feeling cheeky and outspoken right now. I’ve got a lot going on. I’m about to shimmie onto your telly. I have anxiety about a lil’ something that is about to happen and in 8 days I quietly celebrate something personal.

I definitely think I have a ghost in my house that cross dresses, because AGAIN, whenever the kids and I are out of the house, I come home and it looks like someone has tried on all my clothes and they smell like a boy’s locker room.

This happened to me before in LA! So I know something’s not right. I just don’t know what?

I’m a glamour puss, if I pick up another, freshly washed garment, that has been mysteriously worn and now smells of B.O, i’m going to go mental.

Anyway, this is just a quick one. All is well. I’m happy. I’m single. I’m living.

I’m still loving answering all your questions daily on my Insta story! It’s actually gone mad. So many people have tuned in and that makes me smile.

I always get asked about guys, dating, sex and all sorts in between and today I got asked about Sexting.

I do enjoy sexting, when i’m having a moment with a guy, that I really fancy. I think it’s hot, in that paticular moment. However, there’s only so much ‘sexting’ you can do, isn’t there? I don’t want them to be all ‘sext’ and no substance. I’m looking for a hero…not just a penis. I’m not just a piece of Oriental that only wants to get ‘pork sticked.’

True love, friendship and loyalty is what i’m looking for.

(Although, I did once cry over a penis, on a mattress in LA. But that’s a whole other story. Lesson learnt.)

Chrissie x

 

Last Two Months, Singledom & Living

Image may contain: Chrissie Wunna, outdoor

I’m literally having the most amazing time, dipped in ’30 something’ year old fun, glamourosity and life. I’m single, but i’m crushing, and i’m whole heartedly delighted that we’ve strapped all other festivities under our belts and we’re now getting armed in sequins and getting our ‘shimmie’ on into Christmas.

My absolute favourite time of year!

(And not just because I have a December birthday! Hint Hint! No wonder i’m mental, if I was birthed during a time, when penguins sang songs about reindeers, whilst wrapped in tinsel, by elves, who worship a dude with a giant white beard and have an after work mulled wine!) 

Yippee!

It’s just a great time of year, where nothing but tinsel and celebrations matter. Cocktails are poured. Events are a plenty. Cuddles and laughter, meander around cosy city streets & hearts are filled with love, MORE than they are broken at Christmas. You can choose to stay in, or choose to play out. Either way, it is always sweet rum drizzled and delightful!

Memories are made during this time of year.

Memories are also treasured….because we all kinda grab our lip gloss, after a Bailey’s…or look through our ‘ye olde’ phone pics and remember. Your favourite tune will play on the radio, just as you had it in your head. You’ll walk past a restaurant, that will remind you of some guy, or some girl, you once dated. Someone will totter past you in a hurry, in a busy shopping centre and they’ll smell just like the crush, you’ve always wanted to score. Memories are great. They’re not there to dwell on though. Don’t get caught up with memories, until it’s time. Until you’re old and ready. Until you’ve done your absolute back in and you can’t possibly dash, in your glitter heels to ‘Tattu’ on time, for a ‘smokey cocktail’ without feeling the pain.

Until then…just live.

Just LIVE and don’t apologise for doing so.

Guy friend: ‘See, Wunna! It’s THIS shit that makes you beautiful. The tits and all the rest of it, come second fiddle to all this shit.’

Me: ‘I thought you said you loved my boobs?’

Guy Friend: ‘Fucking hell. Haha. Take a compliment.’

Anyway….

Something great will happen to us all, which will make our kitten soul’s beam, before we wave off 2018. Something will also make us cry. But that’s life and that’s why it’s wonderful.

We’re given a story to create. A life to live…and if nothing else, we are giving the opportunity to FEEL. For 10 years this year, i’ve written CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM. It actually started 14 years ago, on Myspace. All I’ll have at the end of the day, as i’m swaying to Britney in my rocking chair, are my memories.

Go get what you want. Don’t let anything, especially fear stop you. You might not win. Yet if you don’t try, you won’t have lived. That’s what we’re here to do.

Don’t get it twisted.

(I can’t believe i’m writing this in a play area. Haha.)

It doesn’t matter whether you spend it with good friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, the people you shouldn’t be playing around with, lovers, old spirits, new crushes or with your next door neighbours cat?

You’ve only got 2 more months LEFT on 2018, so make sure you LIVE IT. Make sure you enjoy it. Do what makes you happy. Find you inner life love and make the end of this year (which has had it’s ups and downs for everyone) WORTH IT.

Create magical moments.

You’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Over the last week, i’ve probably done everything. I’ve cocktailed with old friends, which found me sharing fireworks with them, as we cheered on our favourites on Strictly, discussed my tragic love life and enjoyed time with family, over wine.

Helen: ‘You’re just so pretty.’

Me: ‘Aww! That’s sweet. But everything is literally pinned, sewn or glued on. I mean, let’s face it, you couldn’t put me through the wash, could you!

Helen: ‘Hahah..

Gina: ‘I fucking love you…

I’ve talked to strangers, with cucumber drinks at The Botanist, Leeds. (I love The Botanist, Leeds, because it’s so  hidden away and freshly cosy. ) Inspired people at Restaurant Bar & Grill. I’ve whizzed and whirled and eaten pear salads, with a fruity umbrella drink in my hand and with my own laughter filling the rooms.  I’ve shopped. I’ve loved. I told Matt Goss, that he’s my celeb crush. He pretty much liked it 😉 which made my heart swoon. Lol.

I’ve been a great soul, an even better Mum. But most of all, loved telling you my story. (Your questions have been amazing.)

I don’t know what happens to me in the end. I just know it’s something wonderful.

I don’t ask for much. I just ask for peace. (And the man of my dreams to share life with me. I have everything else, I need.)

Everyone keeps going on about how single I am because it’s apparently so unbelievable?

‘How the hell are you…’

‘YOU’RE Single?

‘How are you, even nearly single..’

I certainly am, and I certainly don’t know why? Haha.

Firmonnell (My chick best friend) : ‘She’s single by choice!’

If I had the answer, I wouldn’t be strutting around with a neon ‘Going Solo’ arrow above my head, would I? I’d be building my white pickett, rum stained fence, to Disney classics.

If you’re a 30 something singleton too. Don’t worry! I hear so many of you worry!

DON’T.

The worrying alone is not seductive. Lol. It’s awkward. It’s thumb twiddly.

In this day, being a single 30 something year old woman (I’m 37,) three marriages down, doesn’t make you rubbishy, like no one wants you. To me, it makes you powerful because you now KNOW what you want and instead of standing at the side of the dance hall, waiting for some guy to ask you to boogie, you’re confident enough to just make your OWN fun, with your gent of choice and leave the party whenever you wish.

I’ve never been so chased by boys in my life, than I have in my 30’s. That’s the honest truth and it’s because i’m much more wiser, comfortable and THAT ALONE IS HOT. It’s sexy. I know how I want to feel. I know how I want to look. I know what will make me happy.

Be interested in yourself and others will take interest in you. Give people something of value and they will jump on board. (My LA balcony buddy taught me that, over balcony tea….as we walked the drummer from Maroon Five, do life, through a window. He was our ‘across the way’ neighbour. He once lifted me back into my condo, when passed out drunk, as a gaggle of gay men surrounded me…not to help, but to perv on my hot laywer roommate. Lol

I was in a lime green fedora. Haha. That’s all I remember. I love West Hollywood nights. I got into a state outside ‘The Abbey’ in West Hollywood because Ryan, my crush didn’t love me. (Turns out he secretly did, but treated me badly because he had a girlfriend?)

Ry: ‘I was crazy about you. I didn’t know what to do? So I made a weak decision because i’m a pussy.’

His last name is ‘March.’ I have it tattooed on my right inner arm. J

Friend: ‘You two were going on dates and everything! How fucking weird!!!

But that was years ago….and at the time it was shit! However now, it’s a fond, funny memory.

Time is like magic….It’s certainly precious, so you should use it to your advantage. Yet at the same time, let it fly, because it heals things without you realizing. 😉

I guess, everything is just about balance….and  cocktails.

Chrissie x

 

 

 

Grandma’s, Dick Pics & Birthdays

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Life is great right now. Everything seems to be slotting itself into the right place 😉 and even though i’m wishing for even MORE amazing times to come, i’m not feeling foolish enough to forget that right now, I’ve got it pretty good.

Yesterday, I got you all to ask me questions on ‘sex,’ on my Insta Story and you excelled yourselves. My story hadn’t been viewed as much in donkies years. Lol. But yes, sex is a big part of my 37 year old world, so I really loved answering your questions, simply because I think it still has a bit gummy ‘TABOO’ label, slapped upon it, when it comes to openly chitter chatter.

I’m a cocktailing Glamour Puss. If I know about anything, I know about ‘whisky sour’ dripped sexy time. 

(All was going well, until some sexual therapist woman, decided to hate on me.)

There’s plenty of room for everyone, so don’t try and elbow me out the way. I hate giving direct advice, because I don’t agree with telling other humans HOW to live. All I do is share and I do it by telling MY OWN story and letting people ‘take’ or ‘leave’ anything they want from what the hear.

Anything inspiring comes from MY OWN life experience and emotion and not from from a dusty old ‘Refer to Paragraph A’ textbook.

That’s a polite and glamourous way of saying…

FUCK OFF. 🙂

I’ve loved Halloween, but i’m glad it’s over. I might even light a few sparklers and get Bonfire night out the way, simply to hurry it up to my favourite time of year….

CHRISTMAS.

I’m a December born baby. I have a birthday on the 19th and this year is extra special because i celebrate..

10 years of CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM 

I actually hit 10 whole years, earlier in the year. I think March?  But I didn’t want to celebrate being ace, in March. 😉  Instead, I wanted to give myself a big old ‘pat’ on the tequila back ON my ACTUAL birthday…so i’m gunna!

Wiggle.Wink. Hip Bump.

I was gonna throw a big old party, but I decided not to…Instead I’m gonna do it my own way..and you’ll find that out shortly. 😉

Strap in, Dollies.

(Wait, I feel like I need another 11.38am wine. Except it’s now 12.40, so I’m all cool and appropriate.)

It’s lil’ Sam Reece’s birthday today. He’s turned twenty six and it’s great. I’ve loved our paths crossing this year & our hungover Sunday morning snapchat banters.

He’s certainly the sexiest twenty six year old my eyes have ever seen, so I felt the need to post this pic everywhere. 😉 It’s a beautiful piece of art.

Ladies of the world, you can ‘thank’ me later.

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(Oh God. I’m sat in at The Mallard in Doncaster blogging. I always choose the quiet ‘away from absolutely everyone’ corner, but it’s got really busy. A grandma, is out with her grandson and is looking at me every three seconds. She’s doing that thing where her Grandson says or does something impressive, & wants me to acknowledge it also. Hahah. I feel under pressure to perform. Lol) 

This is not what I signed up for. Haha.

Now dudes are hounding my Facebook messenger and sending me photos of their genitalia. I don’t mind a dick pic AT ALL, if I know, and fancy the guy. I think it’s hot. It’s sexy.

Yet, I don’t like dick pics from strangers, at all. It’s just not sexy and not because i feel disrespected. Just because I’m not sexually excited by anyone, until they’ve managed to mentally stimulate me.

Flirt with my mind. Get in my pants. Simples. Haha.

Grandma’s. Dick pics. AND I have a tractor in my hand bag. I just can’t cope. Lol.

WHAT IS MY LIFE!!

Chick friend: ‘Can you not eat a chicken wing, like you’re giving it head please. It’s a family pub.’ 

Me: ‘And don’t I fucking know it! Hahaha.’ 

Right, I’m answering your questions on love & dating today. I’m moderately distracted because there is MADNESS going on around me. Lol.

I keep lifting my phone in the air and pouting to film by answers for you. People keep looking at me, like i’m strange.

I’ll give’em that.

HOWEVER, I do actually think that THESE DAYS, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to selfie take or film for your instagram in public. You’re almost behind the times, if you don’t believe that and frown upon those who do?

Anyway…

Head to my Insta Story and ask me a question on love, dating and relationships. ( @chrissiewunna.)

Thank you for following my life,

Chrissie x

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Zanetti’s Halloween…

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Halloween was just amazing. It was a wild piece of escapism, that every piece of ‘chica’ needs. The host I chose was Tom Zanetti…and as always, he did his city proud. He’s like the ‘Diddy’ of Leeds, who’s slowly, but surely taking over ALL cities & it’s great to see him going from strength, to strength. His ‘hustle’ has been grand and he absolutely deserves all the wonderful things that are happening to him right now. He works hard, he loves hard and he’s ambitious. But his heart is always in the right place.

Me: ‘Hi! It’s me. Can I come in? ;)’

Amy: ‘It’s Chrissie. It’s fine. All the way up!’

(Amy’s hot! She’s Zanetti’s PA. I told you on the last blog. I love her. She’s sassy!)

Right, so I was up in VIP, at Aspire, Leeds… which is an old untouched bank, that has been refurbished for events.

I was kinda already merry by this point, as I walked up the stairs and through the VIP entrance. I passed security, through all the calm and squinted through the bright lighting.

I was greeted at the entrance and then as I stepped forward, I  entered a world of darkness, mood lighting and sophisticated madness.

It was beautiful.

So, I like to get to parties earlier, rather than later, these days? I don’t know why? But after the life I lived in LA and the age I am now, I kinda just like to *tinkle* up for a couple hours, have fun and disappear back home or to my hotel, before all the UTTER MADNESS begins.

If i’m not there when the madness is occurring, I won’t get into trouble. 😉 

I’m not a stay out until 3am kinda kitten, anymore. There’s bed sheets to snuggle in or soil (lol) by then. I like my beauty sleep. I’m wild, but sensible, all at the same time…and if i’m being honest, I kinda like it that way.

I also love a guy, who loves to go out and have a bit of fun, (i’m naturally social,) but then go home for a bit of ‘grown up’ sexy time.

Or as we used to call it in LA, a ‘throw down.’ 😉

Wine was poured, guys we’re masked and *winking* from their tables, slutty clowns, saxophone players, haunted swimsuit models, illusionists, magicians, reality tv stars, sportsmen and all sorts filled the VIP area.

The VIP was ‘Heaven’ high, on a Mezzanine and looked over the crowd, as they filtered in and celebrated their version of Halloween.

There was a sexy calmness to the VIP and an utter hellish madness that went on down below. Hell was filled with a young crowd that had surrendered to a ‘good time’ in the name of Zanetti.

It was perfect…

..and the awesome thing about a ‘Zanetti‘ party is that all freedom occurs. However like the ‘Vegas Code,‘ it stays as a ‘sexy whisper.‘ You’re protected by life, in the name of ‘good times.’

There’s a sophisticated, high end, ‘gangsta’ vibe.

I remember everything being so full, so fast and a delicious tipsy *blur.* I was filled with wine and a girl, who was dressed as a sexy clown girl, kept giving me her card, and talking to me about life…She was wonderful and I adored her. She talked to me ‘drenched in fun’ madly. Then she told me her name was ‘Emerald.’

Me: ‘Is that your real name or a stage name..’

Emerald: ‘No, it’s my actual real name.’

Me: ‘I love that. It’s sexy.’ 

She was with a sexy ‘Catwoman,‘ and I couldn’t think of better company really. Lol. If you’re gonna go anywhere, take a sexy Catwoman with you.

Anyway…

I sauntered off to my own version of life and watch my surroundings.

Everyone was messaging me. My inbox was jammed. I even snapchatted with ‘T Bone,’ in New Zealand, and that made me smile, because…. Well…because….

Then as I stood over the balcony, filming Insta videos of myself, I looked to my left and saw Tom, with Hayley.

They’d just arrived…It was still early on in the night. 

Tom: ‘Hi…

(He was in VIP watching the crowd filter in.) 

Me: ‘Hiya…’

So I walked over to say ‘Hello’ properly and take appropriate selfies. Lol.

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Tom was quite the gentleman. He looked smart. He looked very GQ and dapper. Hayley was as sweet as pie. She beamed, with the cutest smile and was so lovely to me. She is literally BEAUTIFUL & together they were stunning.

You’d think they’re stunning anyway, right? But UNTIL, you meet them both together , even when they’re ‘on show, ‘ it’s only then when you realize just how magnetic they are.

I loved them.

The main thing that got me, was just how smitten they were. They were each other’s world and radiated an absolute genuine ‘soul mate’ love for one another. It was kinda like they were destined to take on life together.

I love that in couples. 

They’re both fun by nature. Yet, they looked young and innocent, yet sexy. There’s real depth to their relationship. 

The were definitely destined to meet and i’m sure he treats her like a Queen….which I adore. 

Anyway..

They left to quickly fit in ‘date night’ drinks at Tattu, before the party got going and when they got backed, they were drunk, happy, in love and wild.

Zanetti, does the Paris Hilton thing, where you show up early and make sure all is running smoothly, before coming back and making a real entrance, once everything kicks off.

Paris: ‘Always arrive at a party when it starts getting wild and leave before everyone else does.’

Bottom line, I couldn’t even see by the end of the night. I was sauntering around, drunk, tired, but glorious.

I walked back to my hotel early and got back in by midnight.

IT WAS FREEZING.

I definitely stripped down naked, but left all my Devil make up on…Haha…then sent a naughty video. 😉

I certainly woke up worst for wear….with a meeting that I had to get ready for at noon and a hang over.

That’s life.

I had the best time ever…

Happy Halloween

 

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