Tiki Bars, Exes, Massage Chairs & Anal Thumping…

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling

I keep having this recurring dream, where i’m in a Tiki bar (lol..ofcourse,) with the same faces, that I don’t know in REAL life, but know like best friends in ‘dream land.’ (Hahah. Don’t ask!) In this Tiki Bar, there are really exotically, lavish looking cocktails. The one I always see in my dream, is the one that comes in a ceramic,sort of zombie, hula dancer’talldrinky cup…and it ‘moonwalks‘ backwards, around the rim of peoples wooden Tiki tables, as they *wink* at strangers and I watch on.

That’s all normal.

(In my world.)

But last night, I dreamt that Mike, my first husband was there (in this Tiki Bar..He’d hate that) and we were falling back in love, but sexily. (I don’t love him, don’t worry. My dream just wanted me to.) We kept feeling it each other up lovingly and cuddling all the time? It was almost as if he was the ‘key’ to all my life happiness.

Then we went back to a dark hotel and had ‘dream land’ sex. But it felt like we were in New York, high in the sky. I remember looking out of a window that looked over the city. 

I got zapped out of that! I *blinked* and everything had disappeared. 

Then…

…all of a sudden ‘Boyband Jonny,’ who I used to date years ago, straight after the Hilton Show, *popped* up in my dream. He’s Gay now. In fact, he was Gay, all along. He just didn’t realize it, at the time, when he dated me. He mixed up fancying me, for simply finding me fabulous. I’m probably the only girl, he’s ever had ‘half sex’ with. He said, I broke his heart. I didn’t though. I was simply ‘key’ to him discovering himself.

I like Jonny, he’s cool. He was actually a great boyfriend. He wrote me a love letter, when I left in a taxi. I am extremely happy, that HE is happy now, he’s found himself and utter true love. 

I don’t mind an unfortunate bit of ‘heart break,’ if it’s helpful. 

HOWEVER…

I do hate it when my exes hijack my dreams!!! Especially,when i’m at a Tiki Bar, (do they not have dream land’ manners.) A Tiki bar, by the way, is my favourite kind of bar in the whole wide world. (If i could own one, I would. Yet, not for profit, just for kicks.)

I want to be able to have my heart broken, storm into my Tiki, BE pissed off, put on my hula skirt, and sip rum out of a flaming fired coconut, with a cocktail umbrella in my hair, as I  pull faces and cry.

I’d have to own it, simply because I wouldn’t want to get my ‘sorry, hula, ass’ up and pay my tab , whilst crying. I’d need Tiki minions for that.

It’d make ‘hearkbreak’ much easier.

I just can’t get away from being haunted by my exes. Why??

STUPID CUPID, you’re A REAL MEAN, guy.

I’m even getting tattoos shortly, to both celebrate and at the same time REMIND ME of things that happened to me this year…

AGAIN, I’ve had a big year of change and I need to remember it. I want to remember it. So I’m going to Tattoo it.

Ofcourse…Lol

(I haven’t had a tattoo in a million years.)

I was telling Ruby, in bed, last night…and even SHE *paused,* laughed and said..

‘Oh my GOD! Don’t get THAT ONE!!!’

She’s SEVEN! Hahaha. She looked at me like I was ‘whacked.’

Hurrah! Flaming Coconut Drinks for everyone!

Yesterday, I was doing bits of Christmas shopping, at The Frenchgate Centre, in Doncaster, and I decided to go on the ‘Put £1 in it’ massage chairs.

I love a massage.

I love a moment, where you can just hit *pause* and relax for a second, during the bustle. That’s why I used to love Prosecco Pit Stop. (Which no longer exists.)

Woe is me….

BUT, OH MY GOODNESS!

I haven’t actually been on a massage chair in YEARS. Let me tell you. They HAVE IMPROVED!!

I’m sat there, slightly awkward, slightly in public, slightly okay with it though. I’m used to winging an awkward situation and making it look glam. (Hilton taught me well.)

The money goes in the slot and HOLY SHIT, that CHAIR, MADE LOVE TO ME.

It caressed and moaned and rubbed and loved. It oozed. It cared. It romanced and it danced.

THEN…OUT OF NOWHERE…

THE massage chair STARTS ******* BATTERING ME. It starts PUNCHING MY BACK with glee. Then BASHING MY HEAD, FROM SIDE TO SIDE. (Haha.) It starts SQUEEZING THE LIFE, out of my little Asian ribs …and WORST OF ALLEMBEDDED IN THE CHAIR, MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANAL THUMPER…

HAHAHA…

SOMETHING KEPT RISING UP, IN THE CHAIR AND THUMPING ME UP THE BUM, BUM….

..REPEATEDLY!!!!!

HAHAHA.

I couldn’t make it stop and I kept having to pretend, everything was lovely, because I was in public and my daughter was stood next to me. LOL

Do I just have this affect on everything!?! Nothing can just LOVE ME FOREVER, without aggressively Anal thumping me? It started so ‘steadily.’ It loved me. IT DID!!! Then just went MAD and started being hateful or horny????

THEN, when the abused had finished, the chair went on to *SQUEEZE* by legs to death (and my legs are pathetic like Bambi…But luckily, it all suddenly *stopped.*

BUT my legs had got TRAPPED!!! (Hahaha)

WHAT THE ******* IS MY LIFE!!!

I thought the deal was that I only had to ‘suffer’ through the LOVE part of my existence…NOT the ACTUAL other bits of actual LIFE TOO!

ANAL THUMPING!

I put FIFTY SHADES TO SHAME.

Who needs, a RED ROOM? In fact, who needs a fucking husband!?!

I want another go!!!

Ruby was there trying to free my legs, but laughing so hard, she was in tears. MY MUM KNEW, bad stuff was going to happen to me, so instead of protecting me, she decided to FILM the horror.

I’m sure she’s secretly like, ‘I paid shit loads of money to put you through school, you WILL become a STAR, even if I have to FORCE IT, film it and get the insta likes FOR YOU!!’

Then I get home, needing 72 wines, a bit of calm and a spot of telly and all that’s on is a ‘Come Dine With Me’ episode with a Farmer, who has made everyone horny with BEETROOT, by fireworks and an ex body building Geordie, in a purple towel, who’s baked a pie?

I LOVE ‘COME DINE WITH ME.’ (I once got asked to go on the show, but didn’t go on it, because I didn’t want to cook for everyone…which obviously is the whole point. Haha.)

I don’t even cook for my own children, let alone strangers. (Ruby at 7, could probably be a fine dining, food critic, she’s eaten out THAT much.)

Bottom line, I was passing time before ‘X Factor,’ followed by a dose of ‘I’m a Celeb.’

After the massage chair, I wasn’t in the mood for watching pies being made…I either needed a documentary on GOD, TO heal my broken soul, like a prayer. OR just go the other way and find something on the lines of ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’

This time next week, I’m on FIRST DATES!!! 

I’M ON FIRST DATES, NEXT MONDAY!!!

I actually can’t wait to watch tonight’s episode. It’s almost like a starter, for my ‘next week’ main! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Looking For Love…

Image may contain: 1 person, standing, phone and selfie

I’m looking for love. After a lifetime of lust, life, fun, dates, mistakes, love, true love, marriage, divorce, flings, happiness and heartache…I’m still here, stood tall, (I’m only 5 ft 3,) with a smile on my face, telling you, that I’m excited for what Cupid might have in store for me in the future…

Cupid and I have not been mates. Lol.

We’ve been on a journey. Yet, the thing about ups, downs and journey’s is that in the end, you buddy up. You ‘buddy up’ because, even though you chose a bumpy path and disagreed all the way through it,  you tackled the ‘bumpiness’ together. It brings you closer, than you expected.

Only good can come from a bit of ‘bumpiness.’ 

Therefore, my faith is Cupid is always close.

One day, he’ll *wink* and shoot an arrow straight through, with my ‘soulmate’ as his target. 😉

ALWAYS BELIEVE IN LOVE.

Always, BELIEVE in love. 

At the end of the day, my love life may not read ‘paper perfect,’ but it’s real. It’s my story My fairytale. I’ve learnt everything the hard way, but LEARNING and discovering IS everything.

Today, I asked you, to ask ME questions about love, dating and relationships, on my Insta Story…and let me tell you, i’ve adored every single second of it. I actually couldn’t appreciate it more and with 47 more questions, still waiting to be answered, as I blog this ‘sassy bit of wordy‘ from a wine bar, I wanted to let you know that you’re making me feel ALIVE. 😉

The love part of our lives, is such a BIG part isn’t it. Even when we push it back to the very far parts of our mind and or fold it into a box for storage, it’s still a HUGE part of our lives always. It’s all we have. Life itself and the love we embrace within our time.

A really successful guy…Well… You’ll know him on here for being ‘The Swirl.’ I remember being sat on an Ipswich sofa with him one time and he uttered the words…

‘I guess, i’m going to be alone forever…’

I don’t know why I remember it? But I do. That’s the opposite to what I want. I mean, I’m independent. I’m cheeky. I’m sassy. I don’t want to compromise my heart. I’d rather be a happy singleton than be with the wrong guy.

YET, I’d hate to be alone forever. I’d hate to not have a best friend to share my life with, in the end. 

I mean, i’d be alright. But it wouldn’t be my favourite.

Chick friend: ‘Chrissie, guys aren’t going to use you for sex forever. One day, some guy is gonna look at you, with fresh puppy dog eyes and know that if he didn’t have you by his side for a lifetime, he’d be foolish.’

Me: ‘It’s not about the use me for sex thing. I’m a big girl. I love sex. I just can’t seem to find Mr.Right anywhere. Or the guys that I usually have down as potential Mr. Rights, don’t give a shit.’ 

So, this is what i’m looking for….

I am looking for a thoughtful, romantic, sexy, loving gentleman, who is fun, naughty, a bit cheeky and real. I want him to be my best friend. I want us to do lots together. Discover life together. LIVE. Adore each other. Have lots of hot sex everywhere. Haha.

It honestly can’t be that hard!!! Lol.

Why am I finding it SO difficult?

Chick friend: ‘You’re ambitious in the guy stakes. You know what you want and you go for it. In that time, no one measures up to what you’re going for.’

But like I said today, i’m a confident girl, so I have no problem letting a guy know I fancy him. Men need a ‘green light’ as I call it. I grew up in LA and in LA, the girls are brimming with confidence. It’s a sexy trait,

However, I will ‘green light’ and ‘bat the ball’ into their court and it’s up to them, from that point onward. I leave it to them, because nothing is less sexy, than having to chase a guy.

I enjoy it when they chase, it makes me feel like a woman.

They can choose to leave it, or chase it…

That way, it gives both parties, the power. It’s equal.

What I wanted to say today, was to ensure all you other singletons, be you young, old, rich or poor…whatever walk f life you’v elived or come from….

It’s going to be okay. 

Don’t stress. Just enjoy.

I mean, I know so many people who take on new love excitement with doubt and fear.

What could be worse!

Life shows you someone fanciable. You like them…but then you think of 101 reasons as to why, it can’t or won’t work.

DON’T.

It’s foolish of you.

I know, from 37 years so far, that in life, in love…

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

Be brave. Take it a day at a time. At your own pace…AND JUST FUCKING EMBRACE AND ENJOY IT.

If i can still stand here with all the hope in my heart, as happy as can be, after everything i’ve been through, all over the world…(my hearts broken in almost every continent, lol) then you can tooooo!

No one’s gonna fancy ya if ya miserable.

Cheer up. Flow with the punches..and just let life magic, take it’s course.

I believe in fate, magic and life….

For some reason, I haven’t meant to meet ‘my forever’ just yet, but I will and when i do, after everything that’s tinkered my way in life…this time, i’ll be ready. 😉

Thank you for following my life…

Chrissie, x

 

Is Cupid Really That Stupid…?

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor

Happy Day of LURVE , my Lovelies! Now, I’m a creature of ‘kitten’ who adores a good Valentines day. I’m addicted to romance and sweet whispers dipped in giddy. I swag it out, but I love it. Yet, let’s just say, even though i’m quite quite lucky, when it comes to grabbing the attention from boys…and the occasional girl…

..Cupid is also GREAT at pulling down my pants, pointing and laughing at me, with a..

GOTCHA!

Cupid is a bastard at times. We’re friends now though. At the end of the day, he’s not that bad. I always say you’ll meet someone one day and realise why it didn’t work out with everyone else. He trains you up for it. (Bastard.)

Like I said, in my last blog…There’s soooo many people who regards this day at a ‘Hallmark’ Holiday…And I think, yes…we’re meant to love and appreciate the person we adore EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, OF EVERY SINGLE DAY...but we don’t. We just don’t because we get caught up with our own lives, the stresses of it, or the ‘busy parts…’ I mean, guys will often straddle on Social Media telling random Glamour Pusses how beautiful they are, yet forget to tell their wife, on a morning when she wakes up…or when she looks lovely.

SO, if there is a DAY (and I say it all the time) to dedicate a moment, to the person you love, adore or appreciate…and TODAY has been labelled that day…then why not embrace it, celebrate it and show the person you love, that you actually care.

It takes one second.

(Text them now, order flowers or book in at your local restaurant.)

It doesn’t matter how you do it…It’s always the thought the counts and also the situation you are in. You may be apart, but if geography doesn’t get the better of you, your ‘ooh laa‘ should not only survive but last the distance. Chemistry travels through the Universe and back.

You may have busy schedules… But it only makes the moments you DO share together that MORE precious. You may live together and see one another EVERY SINGLE DAY, yet have never really opened up and showed love the way you wanted to…

You may fancy a ‘someone’ and just can’t find it in you to tell them.. You may want to turn a ‘Beneficial friend‘ 🙂 (aww, I put that so beautifully,) into a true love….? All sorts of situations…But there are ALL SORTS of Valentine Solutions.

No Excuses.

I only feel bad for those wanting to surprise a secret crush…as that to me is terrifying. I have everything crossed for you. Keep the romance alive! You have the ‘Big Balls.’

Hurrah! Love Heart Lollipops for everyone?

So yeah, being a LIVE LIVER…and someone who turned the diary of her life, into her business… I say..

GO FOR IT.

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor

(Even if your ‘Pants Down’ Cupid, by the end of it. I’m ballsy. I always always GO FOR IT.) 

I’m just reading through my news feed and I love how some guys palm off Valentines day with a ‘what I love you anyway…it’s just a day… YET, moan that we chicks don’t take Steak & Blowjob‘ day seriously.

Hahaha. Be Smart Fellas!

I actually want to know what ALL my chick friends got from their ‘Handsomes,‘ as i’m on my travels, so i’m hoping they Whatsapp me the whole entire, gossipy *shabbam.*

Over the last couple days, i’ve been busy on shoots and sorting out the business part of Wunna Land. So when there isn’t a blog, it’s because i’m either working, just chilling with the babies, or guzzling a massive WINE.

I will tell you that I HAVE BEEN FREEZING. Imagine being out in the fricking freezing cold, shooting, naked….

Yipppppppppeeeeee!

It’s hard to keep it sexy when you’re you’re freezing. It’s made me not fancy guys who do not put the heater on. I associate the cold with hatred. 🙂

Image may contain: 1 person, sitting

Okay, so I have a family day today, with Ruby, Junior, My Mum, Dad & Brother. Today is what I call ‘Treat Day,’ where we splurge on delights and do whatever we want. We treat ourselves. (Junior’s excited and filled to the brim with giddy burst of glee, that just bubbling through him. Ruby’s currently trying to choose 1000 toys to sell, so she can make extra money, because it makes her happy? She is every bit ME. Lol) 

We’re actually headed to The Frenchgate Centre in Doncaster today, to go ahead and celebrate their FIFTIETH YEAR, where we’ll be ‘LOCKING IN THE LOVE’ and placing our Wunna land padlocks on the giant Iron Heart in the centre…to show OUR LOVE and appreciation, as a family.

Doncaster means a lot to me…as even though I ventured off to do life in West Yorkshire, then well…Hollywood….It’s always been my birth place, always obviously will be my birth place…Lol…and I have the fondest childhoods memories there.

Happy Valentines Day from Wunna Land.

Love you.

Chrissie x

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor

 

 

 

 

Stupid Cupid…

GOD!!! If i’m that ‘beautiful’ or that ‘mind blowing’ or that ‘talented’ or that ’10’ you’ve always been looking for, then why the am I single?

I don’t get it? I’m the most loving, love bunny in all of the goddamn lovey land. I make an awesome partner. So, if my inbox is filled with ‘I think you’re amazing’s’…I mean JEEZE, random ‘Tom from Hertfordshire thinks i’m…(and this is an exact quote)

‘like some weird science project, where the perfect girl has been created…’

Honestly! If  am I THAT delicious, than why is Cupid fucking me over continuously…A dude in a diaper is fucking me over.

Chick friend: ‘Because you’re far too picky and far too shallow. 🙂 ‘

Hahaha! 🙂 Cheers!

If ANYTHING, I need to be FAR MORE picky and far more shallow. I love romance, treats, eye candy and the finer things in life, yet I will always judge EVERYTHING on ‘chemistry’ and all through my life to date, I’ve always got it wrong. I have never managed to find that perfect ‘chemistry’ with anyone…No…aside from one guy.

But i’m not bothered. I’m just having a ‘had gin’ rant because I can. I’m not gonna just date ‘the next guy’ simply because. I’m rather wait it out, even if he never finds me and I end up residing with 100 cats, in the most glamourous bachelorette pad.

I will say that I’m watching Mel, Fairytale Blond, Firmonnell, Double B, Hot Sarah and Lynne and noticing how they’re all VERY paired up and in love. And I adore watching them in their girly ‘love swirls.’

YET…It did sort of dawn on me today that I was super single and I don’t quite like it. Let alone GET IT?

I’m an ace human. I’m fucking brilliant. I’m that glittery slice of life that you wished you could spread on your toast. That ‘Mmm’ noise you make after your favourite bite of cookie.Why am I NOT loved up??

*Massive confusion alert*

‘Wunna! Obviously. People read your blog. Google search you. Come up with a version of you, a WRONG VERSION, that they think you are… and mess it all up…’

‘Yeah, and this whole confident, independant thing that you are… is off putting..It scares them…It means that they could lose you….hence why they put a ring on it a lot…’

‘And when they actually meet you, they are so in shock at how you actually are, that they create their own swirl, and they don’t actually know what to do & start acting like an unusual version of themselves.’

Lovely!

Where’s just all the normal humans? My Knight in shining armour? No more Twats in Tin foil please! Where are all the authentic ‘make my eyes smile’ men? This game of ‘hidey go seek’ is totally one sided?? I’ve counted to 10 and coming to find you and you’re no where.

My LA guy friends are like..

‘Just come back here, where we all love you…’

My British chick friends…’find it funny.’

Then one girl messaged me, who I went to school with..she reads my blog daily…

She said,

‘I think you’re going to find that love is about to creep up to you, find you and sweep you off your feet really, really soon…’

Hmm? Really?

How can my love life be so shite. Yet my work life be so wonderful? I have brands and collabo’s filling up my inbox like wild fire. I mean, GOSH, I’ve always wanted to work alongside ‘Onch Movement’ (who appeared in Forbes and designed for Sanrio…Hello Kitty,) casually Tweeted him this evening…and within a minute, he tweeted back, and within five minutes, we sorted out a collabo. He’s in LA and I’m in the UK.

I guess, the ace thing about growing up in West Hollywood, is that everyone I know growing up… as a young one, is now super successful in the career that they chose to dabble in. Makes it all a little easier. I mean Little Raffi, who used to wish to be some giant producer…whilst dreaming about success, with Red Bulls, outside my condo, after reversing into my wheelybin every night…before he went to go hang out with ‘Neo’ for kicks. He ended up producing for R Kelly, working with Britney and even Michael Jackson. All of them, ended up doing so well and because they were all so driven.

YET, they’ve all managed to sustain loving long term relationships…AND IN FRICKING LA, where FOREVER means TEMPORARY.

I’m weeing myself laughing, but I have no clue why?? Lol

Cupid and I will be mates one day. But just not today.

(Now, I want you to all go back and read this through with an Irish accent. My chick friend, ‘Double B’…will always force these ‘accents’ that she does, upon us without fear and no matter where you’re from…be you black, white, Japanese, cockney, Jamaican or American…She will do your accent and it will be IRISH. Lol. She can’t even help it. It will sound nothing like you…but she’ll go for it… 🙂 )

‘You still sound Irish???’

‘Oh? That was my granny voice??’

OOh, Two Whatsapp…

Firmonnell: ‘I’ve started drinking through the week now.’ (HAHAHA! Yes! I hope she’s on the rum!)

London Business Man: ‘I know you’re busy and doing all this cool stuff, like going out and getting papped, having fun etc…I get it. You’re busy. But don’t you want to just get real for a minute and come see me? We’ll go out and about…and…’

I guess, the fact that I haven’t managed to find the time to go see him yet, means that my heart isn’t so bothered. Work comes before him…and when I fall in love….I want to feel as though i’m in a magical uncontrollable ‘happy swirl,’ where all is dandy and I’ll never have to compromise my journey…my ambitious, yet loving quench for success..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All The Cock*****, Baby Jesus & Some Lovey Bits

Me: ‘Why are you mixing a witches potion…?’

Double B: ‘Why does the water cooler jacket smell like it’s been out for a cheeky cig?’

(Note, that’s actually much better than it’s natural smell of B.O.)

Utter ‘pissing ourselves’ occured…

Then ‘Double B’ follows up with a..

‘I need to go to Boots to get a scrub, my hands look like they’ve got gonorrhea. I have gonorrhea hands!’

(She had what I call ‘fake tan tiger hands.‘ But they still looked ‘bling.’ But yes, they needed a scrub. And even WORSE I got left having to mop up a bright blue floor. *Major Weeps* I’m a glamour puss. We should stick to our strengths in life. My forte is standing in cocktailed, spikey heels ON bright blue floors. I’m not blessed with the ability to MOP THEM UP effectively. *Wiggle…Wink.*Lots of swearing occurred at this point!)

Today was an easy day, where work was accomplished and it just sort of sorted itself out. I quite easily knuckled down and got on with it merrily. There was laughter, tears, and just a devastating amount of luxury biscuit scoffing. I even had to take my fucking waist trainer off to let the biscuits have a home. Get in my belly!

You do know Chrissie, that you’re only supposed to Waist Train for a couple of hours a day. Not 100 hours in one go.’

Fuck it, i’m an all or nothing girl.I’ll pour every inch of Wunna Land into everything, or do nothing with it at all. Lol.

It’s been making me grumpy and certainly ouchy. I’ve got scars and weird toilet habits now. But because it’s squashed my entire insides, I haven’t been able to eat properly at all, meaning i’m skinnier. Lol. Hurrah! Hurrah! Give me gin!

I popped that thing off privately, like Speedy Gonzales, in a frosted glassed windowed loo and then *breathed* for our Queen and Country. In the words of ‘Double B’…

‘Thank Baby Jesus and the orphans!”

I love Waist Training, but sometimes a girls godda kick back and eat a..

Mel: ‘Do you want some of my rice and curry for lunch?’

Me: ‘I can’t I’m waist training.

Mel: ‘Fine, I’ll just have to eat this big portion to myself then.’

Then we pissed ourselves laughing because ‘Firmonnell’ keeps getting a raw deal when it comes to the blog mentions.

‘Why am I the chick who has worms and privates that smell of fish!!!!!’

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, along with hard work, it seems love is in the air. Not for me. I told you, Cupid is a dick. But ‘Fairytale Blond’ is in the ‘steady away’ part of her relationship…where they’re doing the ‘looking for a house’ thing, yet it has to be fairytale perfect. She’s working hard and going through a lot of changes and will probably have twin boys because we’re forcing her to. (It’s part of the Fairytale.)

Mel’s swooning about with smiles and wine and tulips from Gary ..

Fairytale Blond: ‘Does that just happen why you’re older, cos I don’t get tulips!’

Me: ‘Don’t worry, I don’t either..’

Even Lynne (who’s in her sixties) after a bit of an office weep today, turned around and said,

You know, if I broke up with Tony, i’d never be able to start again, because there’s no one that could ever compare to my Tony.’

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW! HOW SWEET IS THAT!

‘My Tony.’

I want to feel that flourish! I want to wake up every single morning, look to my left (I always sleep on the right hand side now,) see the guy I’ve chosen to be with and say, ‘No one could ever compare to my….*whatever his name is…* Lol. I’ve ruined the moment haven’t I? I never thought i’d want that feeling so much, until I sat and saw her entire soul light up, having been with her husband since she was 17. She’s now sixty and you could see the love  that she had for him*oozing* from her like magic….even when she’s crying.

Now, I feel bad for saying *BLOW JOB, BLOW JOB, BLOW JOB* at her on repeat, whilst trying to describe a Valentines card poem, that I read. :

‘Yes Chrissie, I know what one of those is… I’m not that old!’

Mel pissed herself and went back in her cupboard.

Today I noticed how close we all were. We will literally tell each other everything.  We’re in this magical bubble that’s ‘just us’ and we can laugh, cry and swear at each other knowing that everything will be okay.

It was of those days were in which you just needed to add posh tapas and Sangria. (And maybe handsome Abercrombie and Fitch models.)

On the ‘entertainment’ front. I have a lot to be excited about. This Saturday I have an audition. I finally completely my interview questions for one of my favourite digital magazines. I woke up this morning to a Twitter DM from another editorial/magazine, (a big one) who told me that the editor would be getting in touch with me shortly, as they would like me to feature.

‘Can I have the cover?’

The great thing about each of these articles/editorials is that they couldn’t be MORE DIFFERENT from one another. They have very different audiences, they’re all doing really well… YET weirdly, I appeal to each one of them and their markets. Crazy isn’t it! And the tag lines to each of them are all quite ‘social’ yet all very different from the other. I’m excited for you to read them all. I can’t even believe how much my life is changing. If i do it well, I’ll champion 2017. I’m taking fruitful and somewhat glamorous baby steps.

‘You’ve got this on lock down right now girl!’

PLUS, I’m in the Spring Issue of ‘House of Solo’ magazine which you can pre order now. Its out next week! So I get to be all ‘high fashion’ at the same time. Even though i’m naked in it. Hurrah!

I’m looking forward to the events I have coming up and I have a few and also a bundle of ‘live blog’ spots that I’m going to be winking in, yet with wit, boobies, charm, love and intellect. After seeing all the pictures this morning, from the bloggers preview, that happened last night for the upcoming ‘Cocktail Experience,’ in Leeds, I couldn’t be more excited!!! I was excited anyway to be trying the finest, most creative concoctions in all the cocktaily land. I’m a cocktail SNOB. Don’t get it twisted. Shaken not stirred? I’m all ‘Shimmied with a hair toss, please.’

I know that some of you went to the preview last night and were wondering why I wasn’t there? Well, I never go to a preview of an EVENT. I’m there for the action, the show. It’s the atmosphere that gets my juices flowing. Plus, they’d prefer me to be at the actual event. 🙂 It IS something that I  do ask organisers.

Don’t get me wrong, for sneaky fashion previews…I’ll go and have a tinker. Yet events are all about THE NIGHT aren’t they. The prepping for it is stressy and jumbled and something like the Cocktail Experience is better for me to experience in the moment. I want to be around the bustle. The charm. The mood lighting. The fun. I might even take a Plus 1. IT COULD BE YOU! Sometimes bloggers get so caught up in the ‘going to the preview’ that they forget to have fun, live and write a decent, real blog, that’s filled with emotion and juice.

I’m not a review site. I’m simply a girl who tells the story of my life and that is all….I’ll do a moment of my life at your event, bar, office, in your world…And yes, i’m in a great position now, where people are filling up my inbox, with ‘come to ours’ emails…Yet their world is mixed in with my world..(like a cocktail) and that’s where the magic happens. I love it! And that’s what makes a good lifestyle ‘diary’ type blog.

I love that I had unfortunately *cropped* a picture today, so instead of it saying how much I was LOVING all the ‘Cocktail Experience’ preview pictures it read,

‘LOVING ALL THE COCK’

HAHAHAHAHA!

Obviously the story of my life.

I need to quit drinking red wine and listening to hip hop at the same time because it makes me do Wunna *tings* that get me into glamourous trouble!

*Take that rewind it back.*

(We learnt that the next bit was..

‘Lil Jon got the beat to make your booty go (clap) ‘)

Ryan in LA always used to say that red wine was my ‘truth serum.’ I wondered why he was always plying me with it! Lol. I need to stop, it’s making me feel foolish in the mornings.

Night kittens. x

 

 

Bukaki, Life & Dating

254457_168170223247857_1887163_a

‘A what?’ 

‘Bukaki..’

This is how my day began!

Infact, it’s probably why I’m single, as I am totally not up with all the porn lingo that the young 20 somethings are sizzling out with!?!

Did YOU know what ‘Bukaki’ was? Or am I just frigid? (Getting a flashback of when Andrew Thomas dumped me in Chemistry, in the middle of a private boarding school for being frigid via the fine art of a scrunched up ‘pass around the class’ note. Lol.)

Anyway, there’s me, thinking I was some Hollywood, ageing sex symbol, who was British Besties with Paris Hilton for the telly,  some Goddess of a chick who was dashed in all kinds of ‘Ooh laa!’ (Totally waited in a Greggs queue, in Pontefract, for a sausage roll at 8.32am this morning, like my life depended on it. Yes. That’s how glamourous I got! You better call Ronaldo and tell him you’ve found him a wife.)

BUT I had NO CLUE what ‘Bukaki’ was and this is how it was explained to me…

‘It’s when a bunch of boys stand around a girl and all *&*!$£”* off around her until one of them cums. The first one to cum IN HER FACE and hit the target WINS!’ 

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE……!!!!! Lol. That’s how 21 year old ‘Double B’ explained it to me.

I wasn’t the only chick to be alarmed, as ‘Fairytale Blond’ frowned and pretended her beautiful ears did not hear such evil. Haha. The others either *winced* or swore a little. I began to look puzzled, as I do enjoy knowledge and do also try to be understanding when it comes to matters of ‘play…’ Yet ‘Firmmonell’ turned around, looked her female soldiers in the eye and said…

‘What? It’s just a game!’

JUST A FUCKING GAME!  Hahaha! This isn’t a round of ‘Guess Who’…well maybe? 🙂 What happened to romance??? (She has a ‘Sex Step.’)

I mean, it must be weird being knelt there on your knees, in the middle of someones living room, with an odd male semi circle of knobbly knees surrounding you…as you kinda wait around until ‘SPLAT’ you’re a target! Hahaha. Who does that???? HAHAHAHAHA.

AND to make it worse it ORIGINATES from the Orient! (My own KIND!) I mean, yes it was meant as some form of torture and punishment, but porn has turned it into some kind of Wednesday night ‘sex game.’ This is like the conversation I had with Lisa Appleton in a giant birdcage at Menagerie last month…’PORN RUINS EVERYTHING.’ It’s NOT real. No chick I know, would enjoy ‘playing’ Bukaki’ after tea. Lol. Play Poker! I mean yeah, there’s still a lot of sitting around for ages, but at least you won’t have to make deliberate ‘ooh ‘ faces on demand and pretend that you’re having a GREAT TIME! Hahaha! (I shouldn’t find this funny, it’s disgraceful. 🙂 )

Up until this point, I had thought my Facebook inbox was terrifying. Yet, Bukaki has made it look ‘Disney.’

In fact, talking about my inbox, i’m giving it a bad wrap because it has actually completely cleaned it’s merry act up. Bizarrely and quite fortunately it has *bloomed* and gone from being a series of men, attempting to *woo* me via genitalia, before they even thought to just say ‘Hi,’ TO NOW being an inbox filled with messages from absolute gentlemen who simply want to politely compliment me. It’s lovely! My inbox has grown up and therefore that must mean I have! I feel quite proud! Lol. *You can applaud here.*

But yes, other than that, I’ve had a busy day! We as a nation have officially been *drop kicked* back to reality and even though I’ve MISSED WORK like crazy, it seems that after you’ve had a bit of a break, bucket loads of Prosecco and all this quality time with your loved ones, it’s really hard to adjust back to ‘work mode,’ isn’t it! Lol. However, it’s only difficult initially, as after Day 1…you kinda get over yourself and smash it. Humps don’t last forever!

I will say that getting loads of messages right now from people congratulating me in regards to the UK Blog Awards (there’s more to come on that in the next blog…YES…I made the final 🙂 🙂 🙂 ) and I’m also getting asked about my love life….A LOT!

I don’t remember saying that I was going to go on more dates this year? But GOSH give me some time, we’re only on DAY 3 of 2017. Hahaha! You all got so excited with the Wunna Land swirl of break ups, make ups, Spanish Doctors, London Business Men, Sexy PE Teachers and ‘Eton Messes’ of last year, that you’re twiddling your thumbs and trying to frisbee me into Cupid. I’m EXHAUSTED! And now I think about it all and reflect, I kinda sold myself a bit short at times, during last year with men. I’m quite loving and giving when it comes to the ‘love bug.’ I’m thoughtful. I’m fun, but i’m gentle. I was NEVER in LOVE last year by any means and never in a relationship. But i do quite happily fall in love with people all the time. I’m not emotionally restricted.

Yeah, the guys I met last year we’re great (as friends) yet if i’m being honest, they didn’t really respect or treat me as well as they maybe could’ve of. Of course and as always a couple of those gents are now trying to ask me out again. However, now that i’ve sat back and reflected upon it all (and now that i’m doing well and work is going great 😉 ) I kinda just see them as distant mates.

However, don’t get it twisted…Cupid and I are NOT MATES! His aim is shit. I’m a Glamour puss. I can most certainly fire a flirty, glitter arrow at a ‘Handsome’ better than some dude in a nappy. I’m like a stubborn SHOT PUT in the game of love. You TRY and throw me anywhere against my will….and you’ll put your own back out.

Right now my focus is on career…..and I think i’d kinda like to date a guy who’s focus is on his career also. I want to date someone who’s my best friend, someone I’m madly in love with, yet someone who I can ’empire build’ with. Someone i’m going in the same direction as. To me…that’s the sexiest thing EVER and surely it’s not too much to ask? I just wish that guys of that manner weren’t too shy to approach me, as sometimes they can be really bold in the career department and somewhat less brave when it comes to ‘The Ladies’ and trying to form actual loving relationships.

However, for the time being, i’m just gonna concentrate on work because i’m ever so happy with everything right now. I’m feeling lucky I’ve had this AMAZING start to the year…and like I always say to you…I’m not worried….He’ll find me.