Baking or Blow****

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Afternoony, my delicious trickles of honey life. (I don’t know what that means either, but just go with it, eh?) I’m feeling great. I’m feeling on top of the world, kinda like it’s my oyster. I’m ready. I’m in gear and i’m gonna be getting my my ‘Sasserilla to success’ OOown!

I’m excited!

I’m an ambitious girl. Yes, i’m dipped in cocktail.  Yes. I can be wild. Yes. There are also times when i’m quite ‘chill.’ But right now. i’ve kitty whipped myself with a wink. I’ve found my ‘ooh laa.’ Everything’s changed…and now…I’M READY.

Yayur!

You’re a product of your environment. I couldn’t say that enough. If you’re environment is shit. You’re in trouble. If your surrounded by things, people, a work life, OR a love life, that doesn’t give you a rush of ‘happy,’ or a simple niggle of excitement…Then you need to change it up. You’re in the WRONG place….Stay there until you’ve learnt a lesson. It’s like a life ‘naughty step.’ Yet once the lesson has firmly *squashed* itself into your heart and mind…Your soul. Pick yourself, grow 19 ft tall and

DO ONE…

The strong ones don’t get lost in the haze forever. They find a way out, to make their dreams come true. They’re the ones with the balls, the sense…the gusto. They’re the ones that don’t make excuses for themselves, yet instead see their own faults and commit to making a change.

Preach over!

Praise the wine Gods.

Right, okay. So, two of my chick friends. I like to refer to them as ‘vanilla’ (yes dull) because they’re really different to me, yet I’m cool ENOUGH with our differences… It’s not hard for me to put up with them. It’s not for me to actually put up with anything. I’m pretty laid back.

Yet, why do ‘Vanilla’ chicks try to change ‘Fun’ chicks? Lol. Fun chicks, just get on with being FUN. They don’t waste time trying to change and control ‘Vanilla’ chicks…because we think there’s no hope for them. Haha.

Anyway, I’m always rambling on about my love life. You lot are always rambling on about my love life. It’s a key feature of my world and simply because i’m single. I can’t seem to hold a marriage down… three times over. 🙂 I’m 37. I’m great at choosing badly…Yet i’m dashed with a lil’ sprinkle of popularity and blessed with a sexy disposition. 😉

Wahey! Tit soup for everyone!

Anyway…I know they’re boyfriends, really well. (Neither chick is married yet. But, as the fairytale hoes…Hoes? Hahaha…..GOES!!!! They can’t wait for THEIR moment down that somewhat ‘Vanilla’ isle. 🙂 )

Chicks: ‘Why are you making fun of us for being kind?’

Me: ‘I’m not making fun of you for being kind. I’m making fun of you for being dumb…’

They’re boyfriends are always out on the lash, harmlessly flirting with ‘hottie p’totties’ and just having a good old, laddy time. They’re fun! So both of my ‘Vanilla’ chick friends, wanted to spice things up… in order to *peak* their boyfriends interest.

(NB/ Surely, they should be interested in you anyway…without you having to try.)

And because these particular chick friends of mine are dull…what the girls came up with, was ‘BAKING.’

EH?

Did the world take a turn and get drop kicked to a loony bin somewhere?

This isn’t a F****** Disney Movie!! This is real life. I mean, GOSH, a dude doesn’t get excited about sitting down and having a cheese scone with you! Even Cinderella knew that. She hired a flippin ‘Fairy’ to *whiz* her up a fancy dress, carriage and glass slippers…not a side of carrot cake!

‘Buns in the oven’ SCARE MEN. Hahaha. Like, do they need to GO BACK, to ‘Diva School‘ or something??

It’s beyond me…

So ofcourse I ranted about it on my Insta page, because obviously a guy, does not give a flying ‘hooterella’ about a BUN, as a means of fun!

That guy wants you to tickle his fancy. Y’know…egg on a ‘Twinge.’ Get him feeling steamy. Make him feel like a man.

That’s EXCITING!

He’s gonna chose a blowjob over a scone ALL day, ‘errrday!’ They leave their mates, girlfriends, wives, jobs and children for a blowy, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Bottom line…

DON’T TELL ME THAT I NEED TO BAKE, IN ORDER TO SCORE THE MAN OF MY DREAMS…

I’ve got my own problems…and baking.. ONE, doesn’t need to be added to it. (I already didn’t bake for the kids school last night.) And TWO…it’s shit! Don’t tell me shit. Haha.

Me: ‘I’ve been married 300 times. It’s fine. I’m cool, if I never get married again! You’re vanilla. Vanilla chicks, don’t try and teach FUN. It’s like me trying to teach GEOGRAPHY, when I can’t even find my way out the loo’s in a bar!!!’

Everyone just paused…

(I always do this. Stuff just comes out my mouth, then I have to stop, to see how ‘the rant’ was received. I do it with charm. Y’know… a smile and with everything crossed.)

Then luckily enough, we all just burst into laughter and poured prosecco…

Chicks: ‘Don’t put this on your Insta…’

Me: ‘Okay…’ 😉

I guess, the thing about life and love, is to just BE YOU. We try so hard, don’t we, to be the perfect version of ourselves. OR, the other way around…we don’t try at all, to even nearly project, who we truly are.

Being who you are and not giving a **** about what anyone else thinks, is something that will keep you in good stead, on your way to success. In this day of age, it’s not necessarily the easiest thing is it? We all want to do well. We all want to be adored.

Don’t get lost in the haze….Be you. Be proud of who you truly are. Enjoy and stick by what YOU believe in…

Always…

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When I Tinkered to Gino’s Harrogate….

Last night I did Gino’s in Harrogate.

I mean, everyone knows that I am a regular adorer of the Gino D’Acampo restuarants. The Leeds spot is one of my favourite haunts. You can always find me at the Prosecco bar, with a hair toss, a wink and that good old saucy banter.

Infact, I love everything that is going on in Leeds right now, as it seems the city is being sprinkled with new life. We are hosting some of the most stylish and creative bars in the North. And when you’re Blogger/Socialite nothing could be MORE DIVINE. My niche is ‘bouji’ and bouji is now right on my kitten door step.

But wait, yesterday I decided at the very last minute to tinker away from the darlings of Leeds, where life is laid back, yet wild and filled with what I call ‘Heels & Handsomes.‘ And instead, have a car drive me into Harrogate to celebrate the launch of the new D’Acampo restaurant, for their opening weekend. I like new. I like different towns and cities, fresh lifestyles, all social situations. (However not today because I feel rough. 🙂 ) Plus, I kinda wanted to just be somewhere different.

As soon I pulled, up, tottered in, adorning my little red dress and heels and as security pulled the door open for me….

WOW!

The atmosphere of that entire place was filled with live bustle and laughter and a stylish, yet devilishly delicious ambiance of ‘busy.’ It was glamorously packed and I was greeted with a smile, poured a Prosecco immediately and well like I said, I go to the Leeds Gino’s a lot, so I saw a lot of familiar faces who took a moment to show me around the new digs and introduce me to everyone and everything. I’d gone on my own. (I love going places on my own because it prevents you from being ‘cut away’ of everything and everyone and invites people to cross life paths with you. When you’re in a ‘click’ you stay within that ‘click’ and sometimes don’t see all that is going on around you.) It gave me the opportunity to mingle and chitter and really see, taste and hear all that was surrounding me.

To start with the place is huge, but filled with stylish excitement. From open kitchens to roof top terraces, where you can actually dine, look upward and have the sky blanketing over you. The DJ was playing. The upstairs prosecco bar was full of GQ looking Harrogate men and women who had either married well or made something of themselves. It was really bright on the roof terrace and I loved it. I felt free. Harrogate is a very different crowd to Leeds, everyone is distinctly more ‘showey’ and posher. Lol. They adore bouji but expect it. Things is not ‘laughed’ off in Harrogate….(I was stood next to a 20 something lady in the loos, who was moaning because she had to ‘wait for the loo’…There was literally no one infront of her…LOL..so she was kinda waiting for no reason at all, but forgot to check. Hahah! What an idiot! I simply smiled and opened up a door…She blushed and well I assume, went forth and wee’d. 🙂 )

Regardless, the staff at Gino’s that evening won everyone’s heart over with their impeccable service and Italian charm. Plus, they kept giving everyone prosecco. That helped. In fact that was HILARIOUS, because I was stood at the top of the stairs, in the bouji GAMES area, (yes it has one) which is right next to the glass windowed Private Dining room, which you can ‘curtain off‘ so the ‘riff raff’ can’t watch you ‘Lady & The Tramp‘ your pasta.

But OH MY GOD, I was chatting to people and watching Ladies and Gents play table football…well I watched an actual real life footballer  ‘Adam Clayton’ play table football against his ‘soon to be’ wifey and another guy, who was determined to win the game by impressive table football wrist action…

Sorry, i got distracted….

Anyway, whilst sitting at the top of the stairs… ALMOST FOUR TIMES IN A ROW, I watched a different glamourous human (HAHAHA, I’M DYING, IT’S HILARIOUS, YOU HAD TO BE THERE) walk up the first level of stairs towards me, SKID and SMASH INTO THE WALL (HAHAHAHA) because they had accidentally got SO DRUNK and the utter giddiness of all that was going on around them, had just got the better of them. Lol. It was so hilarious that it was almost like a PRANK STAIRWAY.

I started weeping with laughter…and funnily enough, when I did..they did to.

THEN OFCOURSE….The Gods got me…

When I tinkered up that glamourous baby blue lit stairway, I got onto the next level and realized the flooring was PURE GLASS. YES, a glass floor! YES. An absolutely delicious idea. Yes. You can watch all that is going on below you.

YES! I DIDN’T FUCKING HAVE ANY PANTS ON!

UGH! Lol.

I took them off because no one likes VPL line. Visible panty lines are weird and 90’s. So I had my little red dress on….heels…an espresso martini in my hand, a glass FLOOR and no knickers. Hahahah!

To be honest…I’m a confident girl. I’m not terrified of such a treat. I was almost delighted. It was a game in itself. Lol. I turned around and told every managerial looking body that I didn’t have any pants on….I told anyone who would listen and laugh, just for banter and then I committed to the cause and EMBRACED IT.

It is the funnest and most sauciest flooring I have ever seen. You should all go in short dresses and no pants and see if anyone catches you. 😉 After a few Prosecco’s, it’ll work wonders for any stale marriage. I was snapchatting and posting my entire time there and I got a HUGE Snapchatty/Twitter/Stagrammy repsonse to this picture…

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It got retweeted over five hundred times. Imagine if he looked up! Hahahaha! It’s a game you can all play. Don’t tell Gino I told you that. We’ll just keep it between us. 😉 Giuseppe won’t mind though. I’m sure he’d let me get away with a Wunna Land game.

Great night. Such wonderful staff. Strange Men kept coming up to me and asking for Selfies with me. But it was weird because they wouldn’t know much about anything ‘Chrissie Wunna,’ I wouldn’t think. Yet for some reason they kept wanting selfies? By this point I was sat at the downstairs bar, chatting to the the bartenders, who couldn’t of been more polite during what must have been such a stressful time.  The place was all ‘alive’ with ‘busy’ and to still be able to charmingly banter and whiz out every cocktail order under the sun with such panache…I mean LORD…How they coped I don’t even know. But they did and well! What a dynamic team!

Then…and now it’s almost 11pm, some guy struts up to me to try his luck with ‘The Glamour Puss.’ I wasn’t out looking for love. I was out to swirl madly in a glorious ‘D’Acampo bubble and just enjoy my night, in a new town before the clock struck midnight. (That’s when my car was picking me up.) I KNOW!! SO CINDERELLA OF ME.

He struts up all confident and like he thinks he’s got this in the bag…and simply starts telling me i’m beautiful and that he’s going to take me out and show me a good time in Manchester. (He said it like I has quite possibly never been out anywhere in my entire life before…) Infact, this was went down…(You’ve got the ‘beautiful’ blah, blah introduction lines…)

‘Where do you like to go. I’ll show to the best places in Manchester. I’ll take you out. Show you around. What places do you like? You’re beautiful.’ (Tries to hold my hand.)

‘I’ve done Manchester quite a lot. Yeah. I love it there. And well it’s less about where I go and more about who I go with…’

‘I LOVE THAT YOU’VE SAID THAT. You’re a DREAM. Give me your number.’

‘No. Nice try.’

‘I can give you the world.’

‘Why are you just pouring out line after line…’

‘Come to Manchester with me…’

‘Nah..’

By this point, he’s trying to ‘barmy smarmy‘ all the way around me, whilst trying to flirty touch me and impress me with ‘money talk.’ He does marketing and all sorts of things. Lol. Runs a company. Knows Steven Bartlett. Lol. He sort of resembled everything that I dislike about men when they try it on….and well…after drinks..I’m sassy one. I’ll let you know that i’m not interested.

AND let me tell you how good the bartenders where…I had been talking to them all night, so they knew I was there and why I was there…and as soon as they saw him ‘smarming’ about me personal space they clocked it to make sure the situation was okay. That’s sweet. Even the women next to me, where like..

‘Who is that dickhead.’

Anyway, he writes his number down and tells me to put it in my phone. I’m not even listening now and just flicking through various Snapchat stories. He’s so pissed he can’t even tell. Lol. But tells me that I can do whatever I want with his number. The ‘balls in my court.’

I just reeled off a mega bunch of extremely sassy ‘no thankyous.’ But he just found it more appealing. He must have, as most boys would then get it, right?

What he chose to do in that moment was

GO IN FOR A KISS!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

HAHAHAHA!

He tried to snog me and before he reached my face, I performed the most delightfully graceful version of the

DUCK AND WEAVE.

It was hilarious. He totally missed because I weaved around him..whilst still on a barstool and then his friends found him and took him home. Lol.

His friends: ‘I’m so sorry about that. We’re grabbing him now and getting him home.’

First of all, If I don’t like you, you probably shouldn’t try and smooch me in PUBLIC, without my consent. Lol. I will duck and weave and you will look silly. I mean, GOD I never kiss boys in bars. EVER! NEVER! Let alone strangers who I don’t fancy. LOL. At least he was confident. I’m always moaning that men hardly make the first move and chicken out. He certainly was no ‘chicken.’ He just chose the wrong ‘dream girl.’

Told ya, Gino’s got the better of everyone last night. It swirled into souls with magic and fun.

Then I got the..

‘Your car is outside ready’

text…and BANG ON MIDNIGHT!

And just like Cinders…after the best night ever….I thanked everyone for having me, cuddled staff ‘bye bye,’ left a gin and tonic on the bar, but ate the cucumber…(You know you’ve had enough to drink when that happens…) and with both ‘glass slippers’ in tact (Cinders leaving a shoe at the ball is beyond me, no one does that, she wasn’t in a rush, she was probably just really pissed and recovered from smashing into the upstairs wall ) and yeah…

…I left the ball.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. I felt for them last night. It was a busy one! That operation was run like a dream. You saw headsets and power strutting, but not once did they ever refuse to *pause* and help someone who maybe looked lost. Lol.

All I remember seeing amongst the divine bustle was lots of gentlemen in tight white trousers and blue and white pin striped shirts, that was swirled amongst glamourousity and women who were waiting to see Gino. (He had been in Harrogate, went to Leeds and was due back in Harrogate that evening. He must’ve been SHATTERED. He’s currently at his Manchester restaurant. So shoot down if you want to catch him quickly. I left Harrogate at midnight last night and he was still going strong…and I feel as rough as a donkey. But saying that i did treat my delicate system to endless cocktail shaken espresso martinis and bubbly proseccos. I went for it. You only live once.

 

 

The Next ‘IT’ Girl & Inspiration

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Well I have certainly noticed that every little girl in a little bit of limelight, or a huge amount of stardust is wanting to be the next UK Girl of ‘IT.’ (And when i say, ‘every little girl,’ i’m referring to those in entertainment, who have maybe shone their bit of ‘look at me,’ been on the telly, wanting their moment of stardom, have been around for ages, or the ones that have just experienced their first five minutes and now want to roll it into a future.)

Of recent, I’ve been invited to blog a lot of events, do lunches, shimmie at celebrity parties etc..where i’ve charmingly chittered to huge amount of glittery people, hung out with a dandy bunch of ‘heels’ and watched everything or nothing taking place, right before my very eyes, be it in public, behind the scenes or in Cyberland. (I watched everything closely. I adore the psychology behind it all. I love studying people and seeing what makes them tick, what their next move is…like a creepy but glamourous stalker Lol…..and like i’m some kind of dodgy Mystic Meg, I predict stuff accurately with a *wiggle,* a *giggle* and a bloody good *wink.*

2017 is the year that everyone shoots for a ‘COMEBACK!’

I’ve heard this phrase been thrown about a lot at events…

‘I want to be the next Kim Kardashian.’

Or

‘ We ARE the answer to the Kardashians.’

And it’s sort of making me smirk a little and I shouldn’t, because gosh, i’ve felt all that before. I get it. But i guess, the problem here is, that there already is a Kim Kardashian and you can’t BE HER EVER. You can only BE YOU. (Hard to hear, I know. But it’s true.) And to top it all off, there is also three more Kardashians and two Jenner’s, who have quite solidly and rather excellently formed some kind of ‘IT’ girl, power house that has taken over the world. It’s amazing. Who WOULDN’T want to be them! Well done! *Applause all round.*

BUT like i said, THEY ARE The Kardashians and you can’t be them. Nor can you be the UK’s answer to them. They ARE ‘THEM.’ And they’ll glitter piss all over you, if you attempt to wangle on their block.

However, i’m not trying to be negative here, as if anything i’m a positive person, a warm hearted being, i’m ambitious, fun loving and someone who enjoys to inspire and be inspired. I’m not one of those ‘tooly’ narky people, who just moan at everything. They’re dicks. But i’m honest and loyal to my honesty. So what i’m trying to say, is that THE ONE AND ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN DO OR BE BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE….IS YOU!

Not another single other being on this entire planet can be you, better than you, so do it well. Don’t focus on what other’s are doing or what they’re being, or how they’re looking or what they’re saying. By all means, be inspired by them. Study them. That’s what they’re there for. All great new ideas have usually been formed off the back of someone else’s great idea. Yet remember to concentrate on what YOU’RE doing, what’s great about YOU, as a brand or a person remember what YOU stand for. What YOU celebrate! And when you do that, and you stay focused, you work hard, you be creative with it, and give it your all, your time, your heart, your dedication, but you do it well, you do it smartly. You proactively move towards your goal and you use your flipping brain. If you do all that, I think you’ll find that people may begin to notice…and when they do…YOU SMASH IT!!

Focus on what you do well…and do it!

So yes, Kim K has done really well and that means it CAN BE DONE, so you CAN be the next UK girl of ‘IT.’ You don’t have to BE her, LOOK like her, DO like her…You just be you, as there’s room for everyone, to ‘BOSS IT.’ Some are going to be better than other’s at it. In 2017 EVERYONE’S ATTEMPTING A COMEBACK. (Including myself. But more than anything, career wise…i’m a blogger, a writer..that has turned into this mini sized ‘personality,’ after being on the telly for a bit, being a model for a bit and  designing a sex toy range for Ann Summers…a bit. But i did it all well. I like to think that i made ‘impact’ because you an do a lot of things and have no one notice. Lol)

But back to his ‘IT’ girl malarky, like i said, when Kim wanted to be the next Girl of ‘IT’ she was watching the likes of Hilton, who had the world eating out of her hand. She knew her personally and had done for years, even went to school with her and she was nothing like Paris, yet had the same ambition.

Obviously I know Paris well, I am a product of her UK TV show, I spent a lot of time with her, when she was at her PEAK and that was during filming and after the show had ended. ( I have a lot to be thankful for, to the producers and casting at ITv2 for putting me on that show. It put wind under my sails and i am a massive Hilton fan, as i’ve never watched a girl work harder.)  But yes, both of those chicks, utterly different, yet both absolute ‘BOSSES’ of ambition.

So with the right ingredients, determination and the correct people on your side…you can do it too. (Something tells me that Hilton is about to sly on in and snatch back her crown from Kim K. Lol I can see it.)

Anyway, away from that….today I was utterly inspired. Right, I drive. But i have this driver, this taxi guy who I always use when i need to go to an event, i need a last minute glammy run or just a driver that I can trust. Today, I called upon him to ride ‘Baby Junior and I’ to Toys R Us in Doncaster. (Important Event.) I don’t know why i called him for a lift, but I did and it seems as though whenever i need a pep talk, because all yesterday I was getting stressed, ‘The Gods’ up above send me ‘Rob The Driver.’ He’s like a weird Guardian Angel.

I get in, we start talking, I ask him about his world, we have a giggle, Junior asks for the tunes cranked up and Rob then shoots in and asks me about my world. We talk life, love, work and dating. Now, Rob’s seen through the years, driven the car with different male faces in the back, over the years, rode me to events, piked me up from them and heard all the gossip and well…he’s in good stead to deliver advice, without me asking, into Wunna land.

And to cut a long story short…after he had told me that I needed to date someone as ‘busy and ambitious’ as I was, who had similar goals, as no one else would do, as they would either be suffocating, not part of my ‘team,’ or just not get it.

‘Not to be funny Chrissie. But if i wasn’t to know you and was to see you in a bar, i wouldn’t DARE come up to you and ask you out. You don’t see it, but i do. You have a way of making a guy feel less masculine without you even knowing. That’s why you need to date someone who is ballsy, confident, doing well, has his own life going down and is on a similar path. Someone that you can look up too and think WOW! However that will just come.’

Like I said, i’m never too stressed out by my love life. It’ll all work out in the end. He’ll find me. He’ll pursue me. He’ll win me, f that’s the way it goes. Sorted. Fairytale box *ticked.* I mean Cinderella lost her goddamn shoe at an event ‘cos she was PISSED, not late for the carriage. It was Prince Charming who did all the leg work and found her, to make him hers. 🙂

But MORE IMPORTANTLY…

Rob ‘The Driver’ said this one thing, before Baby Junior and I left his car to wipe Toy R Us out, whilst everything was on sale…and that was this…

‘I have always said no one I know works as hard as you Chrissie and you’ve just got this aura about you. You were built for this. No matter where you are, people know YOU’RE THERE!! Whether you win, whether you lose…People know you are there and that’s something that can’t be bought! So look, you’re OVER HALFWAY to the finish line now….This year, you just need to go for it.’

And with a smile, a nod and this whole warm feeling of absolute inspiration that rose all the way through my soul, to make me beam, I waved him ‘goodbye,’ grabbed by little son (Junior has my exact face and it freaks me out completely) and as I swung Rob’s door shut, I knew great things were coming…