Turtle Necks, First Dates & The Cat Ate My Nipples…

Happy Thursday! I’m just having the best time because i’m giddy with the giggles and ‘clown dancing’ my way through life, glamourously. It feels great! I feel great! And yeah, there’s *ups and downs* going on around me, but i’m safe, I’m in a turtle neck… and it’s lilac. Anytime you wear a lilac turtle neck, people don’t fuck with you. I’m only joking…people can tinker with your ‘merries’ at any point in life. Be prepared. Turtle necks, let you down.

‘Loulabell,’ my chick friend, told me to always carry a dildo in my handbag, so I can *whop* it out at any point, like it’s a crazy feminist weapon, pull scary faces, whilst screaming madly and no one in the world, would dare hurt me.

However, I don’t think that’s true because anytime i’ve whopped out a dildo and screamed madly…the other party has immediately tried to pull my pants. Our lands are different. In her land…Dildos scare people off. In Wunna Land, it simply acts as a ‘come hither’ beacon. It’s almost a catalyst.

I’m not aggressive enough, when it comes to being angry, because i’m never angry. I’ve haven’t practiced it enough. Everything just ends in a*wink,* with me. So, with a dildo in my hand….that probably wouldn’t work to my advantage.


The Wunna Land cat ‘Rocco’ has already tried to eat me this morning. I don’t know what’s up with him? In my mind, he lives the most lavish life. Yet, he gives me the impression that he yearns to be The Beckhams cat or something? He’s loving and ungrateful all at the same time. Kinda like Ruby. (My Daughter.)

To punish me, anytime I’m laid still and with a bit of ‘casual boob’ out..’ He tip toes over and gently LEAPS ONTO ME, LIKE A MAD BANCHEE WOMAN, THE WEEK BEFORE HER PERIOD, WHO HASN’T ‘TAKEN HER PROZAC THIS MORNING’ and starts aggressively chewing on my nipple and if not my nipple…MY PRIVATES.

(You don’t go near my privates without permission. It’s not a snack. It’s a bitch. Don’t get it twisted. Lol)

Anyhow,  when I  try to chuck him off, whilst shrieking with panic…He then swaggers off, with ‘the monk on’ and starts humping my sheets. Like I said in my Insta story today…It’s like he thinks i’m Oriental, Viagra Jerky or something?

It’s kinda like all my ex marriages.

Right, First Dates…

I’ve posted it everywhere. I’ve told everyone about it. The advert for the show is running on Channel 4 right now CONSTANTLY and i’m really happy, to have taken a trip to the First Dates restaurant and happy to be on the actual advert. I mean, AS IF! Every time it comes on the telly…it takes me straight back to my time at the restaurant. (I’ll be telling you about it afterwards.)

Phone calls have been made. People are messaging me left, right and centre. All my exes are ‘whatsapping’ me galore. I’m being ‘missed’ with every inch of everyones heart. I’m getting hugs in the supermarket. My friends are pissing themselves. People are rooting for me, like soldiers! The teachers at Ruby & Junior’s school are filled with excitement. It’s just been wonderful.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

When you feel adored, you feel like you can conquer the world, don’t you? Right now, I could hit *pause* and swirl around in sloooow motion, confetti shower.

Dramatic much… 😉

Ruby: ‘My favourite class at school is Drama. It’s the big write, or drama.’

Teacher: ‘Ah! You’re creative, like you’re mum.’

Me: ‘Well..yeah…*creative* is one way of describing me. Haha.’

But obviously I can’t tell you anything about it, just yet. (I actually wrote the blog, the afternoon after I left the restaurant, because I wanted the emotion of the blog to be raw and real.)

I have a lot to tell you.

 A lot to tell you about all of the above AND my actual love life.

However, right now, no can doey. (This is when it’s being a blogger, or a life diary writer is difficult. I like to write freely. I like to write honestly. So the actual mental organization that it takes to ‘tread carefully’ until you’re allowed to ‘holla’ is somewhat tedious. 😉 It sometimes makes me miss my LA days, when I was really really young, typing away on my Myspace blog, saying anything I wanted, whenever I wanted….But you can’t wish to ‘grow,’ yet be unable or willing to handle it, when you do.)

So again, i’ll say it’s ‘ worth it.’ I mean, it’s not very often that someone gives you the chance to find love at the First Dates restaurant and for that, ‘tick off, the old bucket list’ alone..I’m truly grateful.

 I’m truly grateful.

Sammy T: ‘Well, whether it’s good or bad, you’ll recover well because you manage to get away with EVERYTHING. Lol. I DO NOT KNOW, another human, who can recover from literally ANYTHING...better than you. Haha.’

Licky Lisa: ‘OMG! Like that time you got served divorce papers and you accidentally answered the door, in just big white pants and Easter bunny ears, with your hands over your bare boobs. Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Well, I didn’t want to miss him and I didn’t have time to run up and get changed, I was in the middle of a shoot…So technically I didn’t have a choice. Haha. You were there!’

Sammy T: ‘But you acted so happy and normal, like HE WAS WEIRD for being IN CLOTHES.’

Me: ‘Hi! How are you? Yeah, i’m fine thanks. Where do you need me to sign? Oh, I don’t need to sign anything? Oh, they’re divorce papers. Lol’

He just sort of looked up, professionally grinned and when I warmed him up with my tragic banter, he said…

‘I don’t know who the hell is divorcing YOU. He’s nuts! Haha.’

(It was Keiran…The now Jehovah’s Witness. He’s like the only Jehovah’s Witness, who’s proud that he was once married to me. Haha. I’m not sure, that’s the rules?)

Tickets to Hell. Buy one get one free!

(I’m getting a Flashback of being in one of Juniors Parents Evenings with poor Mr.Barker, who had to watch us bicker and the have an argument about drag queens and why the Bible should/shouldn’t read ‘Adam & Steve,’ Instead of ‘Adam & Eve.’ Hahaha.)

If nothing else, I have SO MANY ace memories. They’re just great. I can’t believe how many utterly accidental, yet deliciously amazing things have happened to me through life? Like just popping up in Hollywood, with a suitcase and forcing someone agent to represent me. Haha. Like skipping to ITV in Manchester, with a mate to some auditions and 2 weeks later moving into some telly mansion, to win Paris Hilton’s heart.

Fi: ‘She walked in all relaxed and determined. Didn’t care one bit that everyone was watching her and gave it some welly. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew she’d get it.’

(I was actually terrified, but when you’re on the spot and having to commit to anything BIG, all you have is that moment and there’s no way out…I always figure that you might as well GO FOR IT…That way it’s done and you can have a sit down.)

Producer Call: ‘Hi! Chrissie! Just wanted to tell you, that we’ve seen a lot of great people and…well…we’d  love you to be on the show!’


BBF Samuel: ‘We were filming at The Dorchester one day, with Jackie Collins. Jackie ‘Flipping’ Collins and whist we were stood in a corridor, waiting to go back in, to see if we’ve won a challenge. We’re all nervous. We’re all tense. Paris is in there. We have no cameras around us at this point. Chrissie…out of nowhere starts screaming at the top of her voice, like a teenager and running down the hallway because she’s just seen MEL B! Hahah.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!!! IT’S ******* MEL B!!!!!’

BBF Samuel: ‘Then she walks into the room, all proper and regal, filled with cameras, like she hasn’t just been a total maniac and WINS the fucking challenge. Haha. I love her. I don’t know how she does it??’

Other BBF: ‘It’s because she tries to bamboozle you with banter and boobies, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing…When she absolutely does! ALL OF THE TIME. I mean she won every single challenge, but two and she only didn’t win those two, because she was put on a team. Lol. She hates being on a team.’

(This is why my marriages don’t work out.)

Ruby: ‘At school, I refuse to work with a partner, when the ask me too, because I prefer to work on my own. I learn things better, when I work on my own.’

Anyway, away from all that…

I’m loving ‘I’m a Celebrity’ right now! Are you? It’s been cast really well this year, right?  They’re all fun and well humoured. I’m enjoying it. The characters are great. There’s someone for everyone.

I certainly want to BE John Barrowman. (I mean he smashed that last trial.) AndI definitely want to date Fleur East. (She’s so swag.)  I’m loving Anne because she makes my heart smile. Her quirkiness is almost adorable. But all of them…Emily, Rita, Harry and the rest…are just great and there’s usually always someone who rubs me up the wrong way. Lol.

Yet, so far….no. I’m loving it. I’m even loving Holly & Dec. Everything. The whole shabam. It’s great!

 I’m hooked…

Having something to watch it fun!




Cat Ladies, Drunks & Mr.Rights?


I’m dandy but shattered. This week so far has been swirled in heat and sunshine, yet filled with work life. It’s much harder to work in the sunshine, right? I can’t wait to early kitty night it, recoup and pull my gentle self together.

I don’t even know that to tell you, other than I’m sat on my living room floor with my little pink laptop on my knee and these silver ball sweets by my side to keep me company. I’ve definitely been called a ‘slut’ today (*Yawn*) and yesterday Reuben (who is a friend i have known since i was about seventeen, he’s ace, i think he’s awesome) decided to make the masses believe, out of boredom that I was a ‘Lady boy.’ Lol. I don’t have a willy, but if i did, it would be massive.

Walked out of work today with a glammy, much taller than me colleague and before we got to our alley way walk to our cars some giant bellied dude, in blue, was tripping up over his own life with booze in a brown paper bag decided to grunt stuff at us and call us ‘hot bitches.’ He won’t even remember saying it.

Me: ‘Is he following us?’

Glammy friend: ‘I don’t know? Just get ready to run.’

Me: ‘Run! We’re not running…we’re not scared.’

Glammy friend: ‘It’s annoying how we can’t just say what we want to people like that!’

Me: ‘Is he following us, though?’

Glammy friend: ‘Well if all else fails, at least you’ll have him as an option.

Me: ‘As if! I’m destined to be the lonely cat lady.’

Glammy friend: ‘You can have a cat and not be weird.’

Me: ‘The lonely cat lady doesn’t have A cat, she has 100 CATS. That’s the problem!’

Glammy friend: ‘Do you have a cat?’

‘Me: ‘No.’

(Got to our cars!)

‘See ya tomorrow!! Byee.’

Life is still great. Lots going on, but i’m enjoying balance. Work with calm. You can’t enjoy life without both.

Since writing my ‘Sex in the City The Movie’ blog, I’ve totally got invited to NYC to do dinner that Chris Noth’s restuarant ‘Da Marino’ via the other owner Craig, which is really sweet! If you don’t think you know who Chris Noth is, YOU DO, it’s ‘Big’…yes ‘BIG’ from well…’Sex in the City.’ Amazing right.

‘London Business Man’ has also messaged me to ask girl advice, which i like as it’s great that people can come to me for chick advice after all sorts and everything. I have good friendships links with people and it was good to see him in a more vunerable light. Don’t get it twisted, I don’t fancy ‘London Business Guy’ as i 100 percent fancy someone else. And when i fancy someone i have a one track mind. But we have a decent friendship…and i like that.

Guys aren’t always as confident as they seem are they? Neither are girls, but we voice it. Lol. I think he just needed reassurance from  chick friend (moi) that all was well in his world…He didn’t actually need advice, he just needed a being to ‘let it all out’ to. I’m good at being that person. But he’s happy and that makes me feel good. I verbally drop kicked him back on his own path of happiness, so he can merrily wine and dine the girl of his desire with a little bit more confidence.

I think today my chick friends and I decided we had nothing to look foward to so we had to think of 17 adventurous things to do and complete before 2017. (I actually have lots to look forward too… HAHAH.) But, i’ll join in. i like adventure. I can’t think of anything on the spot as i’ve done so much in life to this point that a rest feels good. 🙂 Yet, I haven’t been on a romantic row boat session in the sunshine ever…so i want to do that. It doesn’t even have to be romantic. Just on a row boat, in the sunshine. I can’t really row a boat? How hard can it be? Lol.

I’m still waiting to get swept off my feet. I want to fall in love with the man of my dreams and life happily ever after. I’m never afraid to say that as like i said, even though i’m a diva, i’m a love bunny and expression is what I stand for. Whats so bad with admitting you adore the art of love. It’s sexy

When that happens  i’ll feel like i’ll have everything, as when i’m in love, i’m alive. But you don’t just want to settle for whatever The guy has to be my Mr.Right and i have to be his ‘Perfect Girl.’ Otherwise it just wouldn’t work.

Everything else is great..I hope your world is great too!

Love you longtime,