Date Nights, Bush Fumbles & When Things Get Sexy

How are you? So much is happening. My chick friend ‘Hustle Barbie’ is back from Bali, where she managed to find ‘total enlightenment,’ and have her vagina blessed, after a series of shit dates and a break up with her longterm Mister.. ‘Buff Alex.’

Me: ‘I want my Vagina blessed.’

‘Yours should get cut off and sent to sea. Lol’

‘Firmonnell’ routed her way to the Doctors office, to merry herself a brand new arse hole. Yes! She’s got a new bum hole. It’s all shiny and delightful. (Not that i’ve seen it. But I can imagine that it glistens.)

Me: ‘I want a new arse hole!’

Firmonnell: ‘How did your date go? Hopefully he realised how shallow you are, and he’s rolling like Jay Z, and as vain as a Kardashian? Anyway, I’ve godda go to the Doctors for a bum operation.’

AND on Thursday evening, I went on my first ever DATE, in a LONG LOOOONG TIME, with the guy that I kissed in a bush! Lol. Well, we more than kissed. We let passion get the better of us and just went with feeling each other up…in this bush. But I couldn’t help it? He just kept turning me on. We kept turning each other on….and when you only live once, you might as well go for it.

Me: ‘What! It was YOUR idea!!’

Date: ‘Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d actually do it..’

Dudes are wanting to pat him on the back, like he’s some kinda studly muffin. Golfer Jonny suggested a plaque..by the bush, in memory and celebration of. It’s turned into a THING…and well…as least we made bush fumbles…COOL.

BUT, he asked me out to dinner…Thursday we went.

I never seem to go on dates, even though I love them. I never really seem to fancy anyone enough, to tinker my way, on a date. The last time I was on one, was more ‘chill time’ and ‘sex,’ and that was probably around Easter last year. I don’t know why I said ‘Probably,’ it WAS Easter, last year. (Yet, that was a good time, because I guess both of us had lived moments in the limelight, so just chilling behind closed doors, was our favourite kinda thing.)

Wait! NO! My last date wasn’t even EASTER! That’s a lie.

The last time I went on a date, was in August of last year…and I can’t really tell you anything about that just yet. You’ll actually get to know all about it soon. In fact, you’ll even be able to watch what went down, on your telly. It was all so surreal. Yet, it was the best experience ever and like I said to the guy, (he messaged me yesterday, with this bizarre ‘out of nowhere’ penis excitement? Then sent me a photo of his ‘hard on’ in a pair of jeans?) I laughed it off and well, I guess he remembers me fondly or isn’t getting his end away. The only stupid thing about his ‘hard on’ pic  is that he’s not even single. After sending me all those messages AND his penis pic, he then proceeded to post happy ‘weekend away‘ snaps of him and his girlfriend… in Brighton.

Why do guys do that? If you’re not happy, don’t bother being in something, that doesn’t make you glow!

SOMETIMES THE ‘NOT SO SINGLE MANS’ DREAM. I DON’T LIKE IT, BECAUSE IT’S NEVER FAIR ON ANYONE. They’ll have a girlfriend, but still take a shot at the ‘Glamour puss’ regardless, so to speak. 

Anyway, back to my date. 7.30pm. I’m at Ego. (I was there anyway, earlier for drinks, so he asked if I fancied some ‘scran.’)  We really wanted some time alone together, where we could go on a proper date and get to know each other better, away from everyone, we know.

I do know this guy anyway, as a mate. We get on really well. He’s funny. He just seemed to have turned my head and I guess, he was in some kind of situation, where in which his head got turned. I fancied him, once I hung out with him, over drinks amongst friends, so he’s certainly worth a date and it’s kinda just something that happened out of nowhere?

We’ve hung out lots before. We’ve got got to know each other. We’d already been on a night out, an adventure and I loved it. It was a really good time. I’ve actually seen him since our Thursday dinner date, the other evening, for quick drinks. And I like that he’s attentive. He’s loving. He’s sweet to me and he tries really hard to make sure i’m okay. He’s not scared to love me, well care about me. He’s expressive. He doesn’t play a game and maybe this is exactly what I need. He’s funny. But a gentleman.

Friend: ‘Hes not what she would normally go for, at all. But she likes him and I think she’s grown up enough now, to pick someone who will actually care for her.’

I’m usually quite shallow.  But there’s just something about him, that I like a lot.

Firmonnell: ‘Until she gets bored…Lol’

He was nervous. (It was cute. In fact, I liked that he was open enough to say that, y’know, admit that. He’s not emotionally macho, he’s expressive.)  He didn’t know what to wear. He didn’t want to look shit. (So I sent him a video of what I was wearing, so he could adjust appropriately Lol.) It was the first time, we’d actually hung out, under a ‘date like’ circumstance and it was amazing.

We get on so well.

He apparently got a pep talk from his brother, mid journey to his date. I wasn’t nervous at all. I felt great! I mean, it’s much easier when you already know someone. The last date I went on was ‘blind.’ (Not the person, the date circumstance. Lol) 

Without getting into it too much, we talked life, love, relationships, friendship, work, careers and us, amongst starters, cocktails, rare steaks and chicken salads. The service was amazing. It was fun. The staff there are always such a laugh. They’re alive. They’re a delight. They always treat me & whoever I’m there with, ever so well…and it was kinda like they were part of the action, the banter.

I’m always really worried because when a guy lives a completely different kinda life, I sometimes think he doesn’t exactly know what he’s letting himself into….when entering 😉 (we haven’t had sex) Wunna Land.

I’m very worried about that and I’m also worried because…I well…

Friend: ‘He’s not going to be able to give you the full blown Princess treatment Wunna.’

‘He’s gonna really struggle, with having you, as HIS, if it went that way.’

‘I feel like he’s going to have to step up his game…’

I’m pretty good and weighing things up….So we’ll see. I never listen to anyone. I’m always gonna go with what I think, is right.

We had so much fun. Such a good time. He was so, SO lovely to me and it’s an evening i’ll always remember. I like that we can discuss anything. I like that I can trust him. We have a strong friendship.

We’ve never had sex, but got ‘sexy.’ (More than in a bush. Lol.) The chemistry between us is great and I like that no one seems to know anything about it. I don’t think they could even imagine the conversations or moments that we’ve had when no one was watching. The ones that may guess, or have seen….are certainly more shocked than anything. Lol.

Katy P: ‘It’s like the Bush Tucker Trials. Bear Grylls, will be impressed with what you’ve eaten in that bush! Haha.’

Everything’s been great. The evening was AMAZING. We got a little tipsy maybe?

Date: ‘I’m not used to drinking spirits.’

THEN, we had a situation….A situation where I tottered off, he thought I wasn’t coming back. I WAS coming back. I called him a million times in a row, to tell him that I was coming back. He just didn’t pick up because his phone had died. When I did return, I saw him in a taxi!

He leaps out of the taxi and dashes to me, shouting my name. But it’s was dark by this time, I couldn’t really see or hear much. Lol. Ego’s now closed and almost with utter relief in his voice, he rushes up to me, grabs my hand and just flipping breathes.

He puts my hand on his heart and tells me to feel how stressed he was, because he thought I wasn’t coming back? Lol.

Then my phone dies, so now we have no way of calling a cab, so we just did what we had to do and that was WALK 8 MILES, all the way from Ego, to Pontefract, at midnight. I was in heels and it took TWO HOURS. Haha. The streets where dead, the night was calm and like the little troopers we were, we just got on with life, under the Thursday night stars.

I actually loved the walk. It was a really good way to accidentally get closer to him. Get to know him better. Fair enough, we did have a sexy fumble, which prolonged our walk a little. At one point, we WERE actually LOOKING for a field, or bush. Haha.

2am in the morning, we get to Data cars, we get taxi’s home…and life goes back to normal…

Like I said, we’ve done drinks since…So we’ll see what happens next…

Date: ‘I need to tell you something…When I called you earlier, I said * I love you* at the end of the call and you said…

Me: ‘I didn’t hear you?’

Date: ‘Well what I wanted to say, was that I didn’t mean it…I just said it, but I didn’t mean it…’

Me: ‘Lol…Cheers…’

Chrissie x

 

 

Stress, Love, Boys & Dickheads

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Oh my GOD! I’ve been having the most stressful time. Lol. It’s been hideous. I kinda just want to hide under my duvet for months, until life turns ace again! Right now, i’m on ‘rest’ and I’m never going on ‘rest’ again. I’d rather burn the candle at both ends, than be anything near, this jolly term of EVIL, that my superiors have labelled ‘rest.’ It literally only gets me into trouble. I swear on my life, it’s been crackers. I don’t do crackers. Well…unless their prawn. 😉

Resting should never be done and only fine when placed in front of the words ‘bitch face.’

The good thing however, is that Junior’s had a birthday. My Baby son, who (alongside Ruby) is my world, has officially turned FIVE. I love him so dearly, that i oculd fill up, right now,  even telling ya. Unfortunately, (as there’s always got to be a party pooper,) his father (who’s a previous ‘party boy,’ now turned Jehovah’s Witness,) and I, do NOT see the world through the same EYES. Let’s just say, I’m in Dior sunnies and he’s….. obviously BLIND. 🙂 But we co parent Junior. We share a son.

Basically, I wanted to make sure my son celebrated the day he was born, as LIFE in general, is SO deliciously important, in my mind and well Keiran, (his Papa)…is utterly against such apparent ‘Tom Foolery’ (due to God and stuff) and informed Junior that if he did not chose to work for ‘Jehovah,’ when he grows up… when he DIES,  he will not go to paradise?

EH?? He’s FIVE. What’s Paradise? Issho on a Sunday? That’s bonkers. Let us pray for YOU, Daddio.

Anyway, I won..and we flipping celebrated my baby son’s birthday for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT.

Wunna:1

Jehovah: 0

I’m certainly exhausted, but whatever, it was worth every PIECE of glitter ball energy. No one loves a shindig more than my boy.

Now, when I co parent, I don’t always know what’s best for my son? We as parents always just do the best we can, with what we know, right? But I know what really ISN’T right and I know what doesn’t sit well with me. And I will say, that the great thing about Keiran and I, is that we both love our son, madly. However, the MAJOR difference between us, is that I prefer to ask & listen to Junior’s needs and go with what he tells me he loves….instead of telling him what he HAS to do, or force a religion upon him and basically because i’m not….. *swear here* deluded.

Rant over. Back to fairytales.

It’s just hard because I’m so glad that I’m no longer with Keiran or married to him anymore. It’s been years and it’s been so wonderful being free. And he’d say the same. Yet my son, who I love more than life itself….has to hang out with him…. twice a week and recite the Bible. Surely that confuses his soul?

*Rolls Eyes.*

Anyway…moving on….No… shit does not… end there…

Like it couldn’t get any worse… life wanted to pull the rug from right under me AGAIN…

Cheers! Wahey!

..and one merry thing, after another merry thing, all decided to lose its mind and venture it’s way ‘tits‘ up. FRIDAY, was literally the worst day ever. Lol. I got so stressed, I could’ve exploded. But hey, exploding is better than imploding.  The cat ran away (and i’m not surprised. Haha. I can’t find Rocco anywhere, and each one of us is devastated.) I was then embarrassed and shouted at in the middle of Ego’s garden area, by a dude who called me a ‘Bad Mum.’

Jenna: ‘As if you were embarrassed. You’re never embarrassed. i should video this..’

Infact,  this is what he said…

‘Right, i’m gonna be honest with you….EVERYBODY LISTEN….I’ve been off my face on cocaine for the last three days and I could kidnap your *points at me*  kids if I wanted to.’

LOVELY!

Then he loses the plot on me….and after a wee ‘DOO DAA,’ (and I’m labelling that lightly…)

..It all kinda went wrong for him….I think? I mean, the beautiful staff at Ego, sorted his sorry arse out…and saved my delicious honour.

Kim (Ego): ‘He’s been asked to leave…’

I literally had to turn around to Ruby, who said,

‘Mum, he told me he knew you, he said he was your friend because he knows you off Instagram.’

‘No Ruby. If someone knows me off Instagram. They aren’t always my real friend. He doesn’t know me at all… What did he ask you?’

‘My name. Where I live? What school I go to? How old I was? He said I looked just like you…’

‘Please, pleeeease, don’t talk to a stranger ever again. Sometimes, it’s not safe.’

And in that moment, I kinda realised that everything was changing…and for the first time ever, I had to teach my daughter to distrust, because of my career choice. This IS a NEW chapter and that moment with the crazy dude, AT FIRST.. made me never want to go out again, or have to talk to ‘strangers’ that I didn’t know, during my free time. Like it wasn’t or isn’t worth the drama.

Then my friends gathered around me and stood by with utter support...(I have wonderful friends,  family and support. I’m so lucky, it’s unbelievable.)

And just like that….I slept on it and once again, I felt moderately mighty. Don’t call someone a bad parent, when  you’re a ‘self confessed’ druggie father. It’s not how it works. Don’t think you know everything about me, when you’ve only seen a handful of pictures on Instagram. Don’t embarrass me in front of everyone, simply because it makes you feel less weak.

Don’t do it in front or around my children….EVER. I try to keep them balanced and away from panic. You didn’t have my permission to invade our personal time or space. Don’t show up to a party that you’re not invited to.

Common etiquette.

On Friday, I either wanted to get back to work, or to jet off on a sunny holiday. (Code for: A glamourous way of burying my head in the sand.)

It kinda made me feel more exhausted and a little weary of people and that’s not a good combo of fun, is it? I hate that. I’m a positive soul and that’s all wrong. I want to protect what’s mine and have no one mess with that ever. I only want to be around those who know me truly and nowhere near those, who really don’t. I’m tired of being judged. But accept that I always will be.

And yeah  this may sound really grumbly, but I’m actually super okay about it all now. I just needed to vent it out loudly. So, from the bottom of my Pina Colada heart, I thank you ALL for listening. ..

Being ‘on rest’ has tired me out more than anything. Lol. I’m stressed out, because of it. But, I’ll shush, cos it’s only temporary. But GOD! How many shitty things can happen to someone in 24 hours. It’s been shocking. Being at work, keeps you focused.

Keeps you out of trouble.

Today’s a new day and I just need a moment to ACTUALLY relax. Actually chill. I could nap all day. But I won’t, will I? Instead i’ll galavant.

Infact, I went for a couple of drinks last night to destress and I loved it. It helped so much. KatyP is now back from her forest cabin trip. Thank God. Before she left, she began a saucy rumour about a DUTY FREE SIZED TOBERLONE... and my vagina. (Hahah.) We laughed so much, we cried…then she f***** off to Norfolk. (I don’t even know if that’s where she went? Lol)

Claire: ‘I’m glad you get what a Mars Bar party is Chrissie…Anyway, I heard about you and Duty Free Toberlone. Haha’

Me: ‘Haha. That honestly, never happened…It’s Kate’s fault. I’m gonna start a rumour about HER, for when she comes back.’

Last night was fun because I was surrounded by friends….Julie, Scotty, Claire, Ian, Golfer Jonny, His mate Barney, KatyP.. and a whole lot of faces that I kinda knew anyway, were scattered throughout the bar. It got me back to normal and I needed that. I really needed that. I’ve just been knackered.

I’m excited to go again and get back to work. I’m only on ‘rest’ because when you have a job that entails continuous drinking, partying, late nights, early mornings, and travelling, you run your body down quite quickly. But you also run yourself out mentally…Yet, your mind needs to be sound, because you have to write it all out and influence every little bit, as you go along.

The thing that I hadn’t been doing is eating well. I shouldn’t say this, but I’ll tell you the truth… I haven’t sat down and had a full proper meal, in weeks. Everything’s been a snack here, a ‘graze’ there…a nibble…or nothing at all, and my system has been flooded with work, cocktails, fun and life.

I’m really close to my family and  both my parents are doctors…So, whenever I do a big work stint…we all check in, with my agent and make sure i’m healthy, replenished and dandy, before I shimmie off again. It’s like being a sportmans, but when your sport is LIFE.

It’s nothing like being a sportsman! Haha. It’s way less sweaty.

Anyway, everyone keeps asking me about my love life? I haven’t talked about it for a while, because it’s ‘dead air.’ Lol. No one fancies me. No one’s talking to me. Lol. Everyone’s ‘pieing‘ me off. 😉 Nothing exciting is happening, at all.

Yesterday, I was all ‘love needy.’ Today, I’ve grown up…and I can’t be arsed with the drama of a potential relationship. I’m happy. I’m really happy and it’s gonna take a really great MAN, to walk in, step up and share a life with me….as under no circumstances ever, will I give up my own happiness, JUST TO ‘couple up,’ if he’s not my soul mate.

 I know what I want and I’m refusing to sell myself short.

Plus, when it comes to love, even though, I write my life out for the world to read….this isn’t ‘SHOW,’ where I NEED to fall in love for ratings…It ain’t  ‘Love Island,’ this is REAL LIFE, where grown ups reside, feel and live. It’s not ‘story boarded’ or perfectly produced….it’s written per stiletto step, as I go along….

I never know what’s going to happen to me…I only know that no matter what, in the end it will be wonderful.

Chrisse x

ps/ Do not settle for something your soul does not deserve.

 

 

 

 

 

Part 2…The Burst In.

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4 o clock in the morning. I’m fast asleep in Suite 3, at The New Osborne in Blackpool, Lisa & Aaron The Pap, who have been OUT, all night, come BURSTING THROUGH MY UNLOCKED HOTEL ROOM DOOR, all ‘lights on‘ and ‘screaming with laughter’ ( I left it unlocked in case Ry my agent needed to pick up his luggage for Thailand…He actually decided to NOT return that evening and perform dance routines in gay bars, instead.)

YOU CAN ONLY BLAME THE BOOGIE. Yippppeeee!

Anyway, they come thundering into my suite, dripping with utter drunkenness, they’re falling about, they’re laughing their heads of, they looked like the happiest people in all the land and their souls were beaming with life. They glistened with……jagermeister. 🙂

They were FUCKED. There’s no other word for it.

Lisa: ‘Are you Up!!??!’

Me: ‘No.’

Lisa: ‘Awwwww! She’s UP!!’

(My eyes had just opened 7 minutes before. They do that, when they know something crazy is about to happen. It can be a phone call, message or a burst through the door appearance.) 

Me: ‘I’m up. Go on…. Why the hell have you come bursting into MY suite. BURST INTO YOUR OWN GODDAMN SUITE. Lol.’

Lisa: NooooOOooooo. Sharon’s asleep! She doesn’t want to play.’

Me: ‘Lovely.’

Now, this always happens to me. But it happens to me, because I love it. They know i’m not gonna be arsed. They know, they’re on safe glitter ground. Yeah, I didn’t have any knickers on, so I had to hide under the duvet. Yet, I’m only ever worried about a ‘burst in,‘ in case I’m ‘busy.’ I mean, I could’ve been having an ‘intimate’ moment with myself…Hahaha….. But surely, I would’ve locked the door? Can you imagine?

SURPRISE!! Beef curtains for everyone!

Luckily, all was well. I was ‘on my tod’ and firming placed under sheets. Plus, they were pissed, so it didn’t matter.

I can’t even really describe the madness to you, as It was THAT MUCH of a swirl of utter drunken Tom Foolery. It was whirled in laughter, smashed in volume and if i’m being honest, kinda jelly like, because it certainly lacked a certain panache. Lol.

Lisa kept pouring me hotel mugs of wine! Aaron kept accidentally kicking them over. They’re snapchatting it all. I’m in bed. And All I kept hearing was ‘Chrissie. Chrissie WUuuuuuUUUUNNnnnna. Wunna’ on repeat…and the phrase..

‘I’VE BEEN ON A BENDER ALL DAY!!’

Aaron’s now LITERALLY falling about in a state. But he’s hilarious…so that was permitted. Haha. One minute he’s papping an event, the next minute, he’s attached to Lisa, at 4am, pissed on cocktails and bursting into my hotel room…doing wiggly dances and comedy rhymes.

Me: ‘What the F*** actually happened from the time I left you, to now? And Aaron! If your arm whacks me one more time, i’m gonna kill you!!’

Aaron: I’ve got REALLY Weeeally drunk…’

Me: ‘Really? I can’t tell?’

Aaron: ‘……And Chrissy, that makeup arRRRtist, got thrrrrown out for smacking someone, or somethingggg??’

Lisa: ‘Hahaha, yeEEEah she was doing shots aaaat the baaaar and chucking the plastic shot things BEHIIIIIIIND the bar, after downing them. Lol.’

My room was just utter madness. It was like an after party…but without the chilled bits in between, where people say nothing and head bop to long winded conversations. The suite was filled with utter life. The air was a hectic, manic magical *whoosh* of never ending noisy happiness, that dashed from corner to corner. I mean at one point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if stripping dwarves, donkies and drag queens came trundling in, doing a ‘can can’ or tap dance routines to Kylie tracks.

IT WAS THAT NUTS.

And that was fine…Until this…

Me: ‘What are you doing??’

Lisa: ‘I’m doing a Poo…’

Me: Ewwww!’

As if she came into my ROOM at 4am and shat in it!!!! Hahaha. I’m the Queen of Glamourisity. Shit, in your OWN GODDAMN ROOM. But now, there she was doing her comedy ‘open door’ poo in my suite, with a mug of wine by her side.

Then…

Aaron disappears off to my bathroom…

Me: ‘Where are YOU going?’

Aaron: ‘NnooooOOOwheree.’

I hear ‘chunders.’

Me: ‘OH MY GOD. YOU BETTER NOT BE DOING A SICK IN MY BATHROOM.’

So, they wake me up at 4am, dance about, film it all, fall about in states, laugh their heads off, then one of them shits in my loo and the other chucks up!

Hahahah!

They then calm down and sit on the bed, chatting about life….they tiredness must have hit them…

FINALLY..

..and at six o clock in the morning, Lisa leaves across the HALL to her suite and Aaron The Pap, is SO pissed that he walks into the other bedroom in my suite, and passed out fully clothed in childrens bunk beds.

In the morning. I’m up. I was up and ready by 8am, because I’d had a sleep and I knew that we had a breakfast that we needed to get to by 10am. So I had to go around waking them all up.

I’m no joke. We have a schedule Lol. I’d already shot all my insta pics, videos, got showered, washed and dressed. I was full faced and ready.

Aaron woke up via my snapchat on a bunk bed. Lisa was still fully clothed, in the dark….in her face, still in her jewelry and her dress from the evening before. Lol.

That’s the sign of a good birthday!

I wake everyone up. Lisa’s moaning, after thanking Jesus, The Angels and all sorts, for such a wonderful birthday time because Sharon had woken her up for half an hour to chat to her, before she left for work.

EH? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Lol. That’s Karma.

(Did she not burst into my room at 4am.)

We had about an hour to get up, get ready, and get to a scheduled breakfast at The Art Break Hotel. (To influence it.) Aaron is now in Lisa’s bed passed out and we all just start having gallons wine for breakfast, because f*** it.

That part was actually my idea. I’m a big believer in the ‘hair of the dog’ game. It works. I’m a seasoned party survivor.

So, now we’re all guzzling wine, Lisa wants to go to the hotel BAREFOOT, because she does martial arts? Lol. Don’t ask? She’s nuts.

Aaron forces her to wear shoes…So she FINDS A PAIR OF SLIPPERS FROM SOMEWHERE and she goes to BRUNCH at The Art Break Hotel IN ACTUAL SLIPPERS.

( Just so you know…The Art Break Hotel is the most beautifully creative place ever. It’s filled with the most fascinating pieces of creativity and being an huge art lover…to me, it’s absolute bliss. When i’m around creativity or works of art, I feel all peaceful and calm…I guess, that’s why i’m attracted to CREATIVE men. The place was beautiful.) 

After breakfast, filming bits, influencing and all sorts, we just sacked the rest of the day off for sunshine and more drinking.

We just enjoyed life. Ryan came back for his bags and flew off to Thailand.

Ry: ‘I’ve had to call The Daily Mail to get some article removed because another agent is kicking off over money. Oh! And Shit! I found Liam in the gay bar, so drunk, dancing away, last night!’

(Ryan does a really good impression of Liam. It’s so impressive, it’s hilarious. FYI, Don’t worry Liam. It’s a good one. Lol) 

Aaron was now feeling better..ish. Chrissy the MUA, had passed out somewhere and no one could get a hold of her. Lol. I’m walking around Blackpool in booty shorts, with a wine constantly attached to my grip, ALL DAY LONG…The sun was shining. Life was bliss, and everything just felt so chilled. It felt so far away from drama…and yeah we arrived everywhere late, and we did everything trickled in wine. But to be fair, I think Lisa & Aaron did really well to say they had drank for two days straight and had about 1 hours sleep. Lol

I loved it. To me, it was like a mini getaway, even though we were technically working.

I left for the train station at around five o clock in the evening. Lisa went on to do two more photo shoots. Sharon arrived back from work…and as I stood at a train station for hours on end, shattered, in booty shorts, as every train on the EARTH was ‘cancelled, delayed or cancelled’ and every human on the Earth seemed to want to stop, chat and ask me about my life, get my number or add me on Insta…

They went to the Beach House for dinner and cocktails and I got my pretty arse 😉  back to Yorkshire.

Ps/ If you haven’t been on my insta….you should because there lies the actual VIDEO of them bursting into my suite. So go check it out.

What I Need In A Guy….

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Life is flying at a million ‘WTF’s’ per hour. It’s crazy. There’s been kitten strokes, smoke alarms and utter madness, that has been *paused* by bits of calm. So much keeps happening to me and it’s a mixer of ‘all things dandy,‘ drizzled with trips ups. I ‘trip up’ well, so that doesn’t bother me. I can always brush myself off and wink my way forward with a *shrug.* When good things happen, I sort of fill myself with a kitten like’ excitement. Yet, I do get terrified.

But on the whole, I’m glad the clouds have hovered over Yorkshire this afternoon, (today is the Tour De Yorkshire,) as it pretty much keeps me out of trouble. I just can’t keep myself in when the sun comes out to play. Yet that’s what life is about. I’m all ‘Suns out, Wuns’ out. I’m enjoying good times, refraining from over thinking anything and trying to just have fun with everything. You’re a long time dead and well, usually, as the fairytale goes…it kinda all works itself out in the end, doesn’t it?

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON…

Over the last couple of days, i’ve spent quality time with my friends ‘Katy P’ and ‘JD’ and we’ve all just decided that our love lives (over wine) are shocking. They’re shit. Does it ever get better? Where’s my Prince, who comes trotting along on some stallion, with his one arm *scoop,* ready to sweep me away? Where is he? (Can you tell i’m Needy AF’ today. :))

Katy P: ‘I think it’s hard for you date. I mean, men get the wrong impression of you, because they don’t know you well enough. You’re sexy and they love sexy…yet they don’t see the softer side to you… I don’t know whether they don’t want to, or if they aren’t smart enough to?’

In love, I’m sassy and i’m quite the seductress…and I love that about me. I’m forward. More forward than the guys I’ve met. I wish guys WERE more forward with me. YET, at the same time i’m a hopeless romantic…and I can’t help that. After years of failed ‘love’ ..all the way around the world an back, (lol) i’ve learnt to appreciate the small things and treasure the simple things in life.

I do like to feel ‘impressed’ by a guy. I enjoy being chased. I love being ‘wooed.’ I’m not gonna say that I don’t adore the finer things in life, also. However, a guy could buy me a room filled with diamonds, upon diamonds, to show me how much he cares…and I’d appreciate the effort, whole heartedly. But i’d never appreciate that over a simple ‘love letter,’ as that’s something i’d hold close to my heart forever. I’m creative and I adore a creative gift. If i’m being honest, I’d adore a creative partner.

Anything ‘complicated’ or too difficult…is not something that I’m going to enjoy. If you have to try so hard to make someone want you, then it’s a ‘no go’ really, for me. They’re not that interested. They’re not that into you. I’m both unconventional and traditional all in one. Boys should chase girls. Always. If they don’t, then i honestly just think they don’t care. (And sometimes that isn’t the case, I know. But i need a brave man.)

Plus ‘Josh The Bartender’ once told me that when a guy loves a girl he’ll place her on a pedestal and that pedestal will be so high that no other girl will ever even come close to her. I’ve remember that and every time my paths crosses with another…I flashback to it.

I miss Josh. Where the fuck are you??

So, after a conversation with ‘Katy P’ about cougar loving, sexting and life… in a Justin Bieber top…

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Katy P: ‘Boys just seem to *go at* sex. Real men, can READ ya body better during sex and grown up women give better blow jobs. We must, because you’ll know, don’t they always looked astonished afterward, with a *where did that come from* face. Lol. But no, I never sext. I’m not good at it. I never know what to say?’

Me: ‘I love sexting. I can talk some filth via message. Lol. But i’m a writer..it’s a strength. Hahaha. But yeah, I know what you mean about the blow job thing. You do know that Toyboys are so in right now. Everyone’s doing it. Shall we get more wine?’

Katy P: ‘Younger men are attracted to the confidence that a WOMAN has… over a young girl. We just say it how it is and get on with it. We’re not naggy. We’re better in bed. We know what we want and if we don’t get it…We sack it off.’

Me: ‘They’re not forward though. They’re more terrified than anything, I think? I can feel them being terrified. I like forward. Not creepy forward. Just emotionally brave men. I don’t like them playing the *game* of love. It’s long. I don’t have time for that shit.’

Katy P: ‘You love eye candy though!!!’

Me: ‘Well yeah. I want them to be hot. Who doesn’t!! But i’m a personality girl. I mean, look at that Creepy Deadpoll guy, that follows you about. I only don’t like him because his personality is off. He’s strange. His social skills are wank.’

Then I found myself stood by hot dogs with one of my besties Jenna, as the Tour De Yorkshire *whizzed* by to cheers. I watched it for a bit and then sacked it off for a drink and a blog at ‘Ego.’ It was there and I supported the women’s race…but let’s face it...ROLL ON THE MEN IN SHORTS!!

Jenna: ‘We might as well become lesbians.’

Me: ‘Bagsy the *lipstick,* one, cos i’ll need you to put the bins out.’

Jenna: ‘You just need someone who’s cares so much, but is like FIRE. Someone who knows what they want…They want YOU and they’re not gonna let ANYONE ELSE FUCKING HAVE YOU. YOUR THEIRS.’

Me: ‘God, you’ve made that sound so hot. Haha. I love that. I’m looking for actions not words. What they DO. Not what they SAY their gonna.. and they need to be self less…I hate selfish people.’

But is that too much to ask for? No. So nowadays, I just do the ‘happy being single’ thing…until a Knight comes a striding in with his ‘one armed scoop.’ I’m someone that will feel it straight away…and i’ll finally be putting the ‘square peg, through the square hole,’ without complications…

Bethy G: ‘Do you want a biscuit. Men are shit, they’re all the same…’

🙂

Chrissie x

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