Flashbacks, Fifty Shades & My Flipping Love Life

Image may contain: 1 person, standing

I keep doing this thing where I wake up at around 3am in the morning, because I can’t sleep? I sleep naked and so I’ll moan that i’m chilly, step out of bed, not remember to grab a tshirt and instead unplug my phone (priorities)ย  and just get back into bed. Then i’ll start to Google everything. Literally anything. Lol. Before I get back into bed, I’ll look in the mirror to see if I look okay, whilst it’s still dark, yet turning into morning??? Why do I do that!!?! No one’s there but ME!!!???!! I’ll Google search until I’m tired. Am I a lunatic? That seems a pretty safe option. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I did watch ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ before I went to bed….which probably didn’t help, as I have to psycho analyse everything that torments me…:) I dreamt about it all night and then found myself Googling ‘Sadists’ incase I knew any? Lol. Everyone I know is now a sadist or a psychopath. That’s what I came up with ๐Ÿ™‚ and then Iย  just fell asleep, until my kitten woke me at six clock, via the fine art of paw tapping, to make sure I was up to do get Ruby ready for school.

All the way to the school run, life moments kept flashbacking at me, during my drive. My mind went back almost 10 years and for a second, it shot to a time, where I was dating Boyband Jonny, it was late afternoon, we were having a difficult time in our relationships, yet I didn’t know why? He was expressive because he was a creative. Yet, closed off emotionally, because…I’m gonna go with….he was an Aquarian? Lol. (Aquarian’s always find me.)

Anyway, (and this was almost a decade ago) i stepped into a black cab in the middle of Camden, where he was living, which would take me back to Kings Cross, so I could shimmie back onto Northern Soil…and before my cab left, he came running down the street, in his skinny jeans, up to the window and passed me a note. I smiled, waved and the car drove away.

During my journey, I opened the folded hand written note and it read…

‘Dear Chrissie,

I know I never show it…and i’m sorry for that. But I want you to know that whenever i’m with you, my heart lights up.’

(It’s strange that he could never tell me, and had to write it. But I appreciated that anyway, because any expression is good expression, right?)

Then my *flashback* stopped… I was still en route to Ruby’s school drop off. (Boyband Jonny is actually gay now and exceedingly happy and settled. He may not have become the Boyband Superstar that he always wanted…But he openly found his happy place, which not only is MORE important…Yet also makes me beam.)ย 

But anyway, I was driving away, ‘Happy as Larry,’ chatting to Ruby in the car…I get to the big Ackworth roundabout and my mind begins to race again and this time it takes me to this time last year….

‘The Swirl.’ย 

It took me to a moment where we were both laid in a bed…his bed, everything was peaceful and it was probably around 11pmish. We’d just watched ‘Britains Got Talent’ and then a round of ‘Celeb Juice,’ before showers in separate bathrooms and night time. I remember him looking at me, saying ‘Things with you are just easy… and after I agreed, we fell asleep that night holding hands.

Then my mind *WHIZZED* me back, almost like it didn’t want me to settle upon that thought. It took me to earlier that day, where ‘The Swirl’ and I were sat on a pale lemon sofa…(which he kept assuring me he didn’t pick..)

‘It was already here when I moved in…’

It made me notice how particular & creative he actually was. (He’s an Aquarian also! They find me.) I noticed a lot of things about him that afternoon…and I loved that, because I adore nothing more than learning about people….simply by observing them… merrily. I’m like a sponge. I’ll take in EVERYTHING.

But anyway, my mind took me to us being sat on this sofa together. We were chilling and watching tv. I made fun of something. He made fun of it also and almost innocently we both burst into this silly banter of laughter. I remember looking at him when he laughed, which made me smile.ย  I also remember him looking at me when I was laughing, yet when I turned to face him, (as I could feel his eyes on me,) he turned his head away quickly.

Then my *Flashbacks* stopped.

Just like that i was at Ruby’s school…and my normal day had begun.

What is going on with my mind, right now? Both happy moments. Both loving memories.

Yet, I have noticed in love, that I am always in the same place.

I achieve everything work wise. I’m a great mum…I’ve developed with Ruby & Junior threefold. I adore being Mum.It’s not always easy, but I can do it on m own and it has been my greatest gift…my life saver. I dance to New Chapters always because i’m not scared of them. I’m not scared of anything. I’m irrepressible. (My Geography teacher used to always say that about me at school. Lol.)

I’m a life warrior and probably one of the most emotionally together chicks I know! It’s almost like nothing can sort of break me down, because i’ve grown so much, after failing at shit, winning at shit, being broken, yet getting back up each time, with a SMILE ON MY FACE. I feel unbreakable. It’s powerful. It radiates from me…and in a way, i wish every woman felt like that. ( My close chick friends are actually all like that…Well, most of them anyway. ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

During my time in Hollywood, I went through SO much. I had the best time definitely, but. I was in my 20’s growing up in LA. There were both good and bad moments, that I never have EVER told anyone anything about…because i’ve never wanted to. But i’ve experienced life and walked lots of different paths. At 20 it was hard. At 37, it’s now such a blessing.

That’s why I always say it is MUCH MUCH BETTER for someone to come into success, fortune, or fame as a 30 something or older, than it is as a young one….As like with love, you can handle it with a better perspective without getting carried away with the bullshit. (I never get carried away with the bullshit…even if it looks like I am, or have. ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

However, when it comes to my love life…Like I said earlier…I am always in the same place…

..and it’s been that way since I was 19.

I don’t get it?

I KNOW what I want and I don’t always get it. (And i’ll never just settle.) I know what I do NOT want and that is anything that is emotionally challenging…Things should come easily….At 37, I don’t want to be dealing with issues….I just want to gallop around to the sound of happiness and true love.

I believe in boys chasing girls…The ‘old school’ tactics. It shows that they’re confident and it’s not dipped in arrogance. It shows that they’re not scared of love. It’s easy and uncomplicated.

I believe in honest expression..without that you don’t have anything. You might as well be a cardboard cut out. (I once watched one of my guy friends, make potential girlfriends *jump through hoops* to win his affection. He expected them to guess how he was feeling? I never understood why? It taught me a lot about him. He had his own issues. I accepted him for who he was, as he was one of my guy besties and I didn’t ever have to date him. Lol. Yet I always hoped those chicks quit ‘jumping.‘ He wasn’t THAT MUCH of a prize. ๐Ÿ™‚

Image may contain: 1 person

I believe in love. I always believe in love. And I hope you do tooo!

So let’s hope that a decade from now….when i’m flipping 47. I won’t be telling you that i’m still in the same place…

But if I am…I’m sure i’ll still be happy…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Chrissie x

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing

 

 

 

Girl Banter, Wine & Dance Routines

Firmonnell: ‘I just love it. Whenever I hear it, it makes me feel like I want to make up some kinda dance routine. Haha.’

(We’re in our thirties…this is not normal.)

Me: ‘Lol. That’s exactly what I said, when I first heard it?’

(Because i’m just as immature.)

Double B: ‘What song is it…?’

And unfortunately for life, Firmonnell and I proceeded to perform the song..well attempt to sing it for Double B, just so she could get which song we were on about? We’d totally forgot what it was called? But it’s that ‘Instruction’ song by Demi Lovato.

Double B: ‘What song? I don’t get it?’

(Her 21 year old ears don’t even work.)

Me: ‘We’re not even singing it shit!!! GOD!!!’

She finally got it. Sanity was restored. The world became a shimmie and well she might have delivered the sentence…

‘Get on my tits’

…as she Sumo Wrestler, knee bended, during the ‘morning part’ of the day.

Then i wished we had prosecco. Kisstory played on in the background….and Russian Roulette was the only game that our phones would allow us play.

Nights out were reconfirmed. Liars were worshipped. Then the girls decided to imagine what i’m next wedding would be like. All the laughs. *Rolls Eyes.* ๐Ÿ™‚

Firmonnell: ‘We would be in the SLUTTIEST bridemaids dresses that anybody would have ever seen!!!’

(Who said they’d be wearing dresses? I might make them adorn their crotches with fig leaves, or a single peacock feather. Naked isle strutting! Wahey!)

Double B: ‘I want you to walk down the isle and do an outfit change half way down…I want your first outfit to just slip off your body magically, to reveal your second outfit…Hahaha.’

Me: ‘Hahaha. It’s like the Britians Got Talent Bloopers! I wanna walk to the top of the isle, forget to look at my husband and strike a pose for a ย selfie… just for ‘Insta’ likes.’

We had a great day. I was surrounded by the best chick click ever. I’m so lucky. I love my girl besties. But we totally gave zero fucks today and laughed off all danger with sarcasm, lies and should i get that ‘coconut, chilli chicken salad today’ questions.

Sometimes in life, you just have to give zero fucks about things. Have fun. God! We’re a long time dead. If you can’t cut an atmosphere with a burst of good times, then you certainly are not living right.

Then ‘Hustle Barbie’ saunters in, all glamourous, hot and blond. She’s off to her fancy dress party tomorrow night….as ‘Sandy from Grease.’ Luckily she’s going as Sandy, when she’s all ‘skin tight leggings and hip wiggles’ย and not the crying in a giant nighty version.

Do remember that in that movie… when Sandy’s all pure and demure, ย ‘Zucko’ pretends to not give 2 shits, as he’s far too busy ‘pussy wagonning’ with the boys. Yet when she’s all Sassy and ‘look at me bitch’ he’s all of a sudden got ‘chills that are multiplying’ and aย boner that will love only her forever. Interesting!!!

Anyway, back to the story….I got distracted! I’m not sure what happened, because I was just rocking from side to side on an orange swizzle chair and not listening to anyone in my turtle neck, but Double B, did state that ‘Hustle B’ would be totally fucked because see was certainly about to meet someone, where in which the ability to ‘sign language’ would be an absolute must….

Double B: ‘But you don’t know sign language, so you’re just gonna have to make it up. Lol. Is that a dictionary?’

Hustle Barbie: ‘Eww! No…It’s eyelashes.’

Welcome to my world.

Then as I continued to swizzle about on a chair and not listen to much, as ‘No Scrubs’ played on the radio and no one could find a pen… Firmonnell retold the story of the moment Double B sauntered in and looked…well she described her as this…

‘She came in like a 1920’s washer woman, no face on, her skin transparent…and with a messy top knot in. Hahaha. She looked like someone from Downtown Abbey…but who lived in the cellar!’

Hahahaha. I love that!!!!! You know you have great friends when you can refer to each other as cellar gremlins.Just a great day!

Not sure what else happened? Aside from Firmonnell deciding that she didn’t like her hubby ‘Big D’ in a vest…Apparently the only way she can get him to not wear one is if they have sex…

‘At least, he’d take it off then.’

Hahaha.

YES! I’m all for her ‘let’s have sex so you don’t fashion crime around me’ policy. Why is she not Prime Minister?

To be honest, my day ended up being a long one, a busy one, a stressy one…You know the score… I’m just glad it’s the weekend! I’m so excited for peace. I’m gonna chill, enjoy family time, have a wine and write the rest of my book. (It’s out in the New Year. I’ve had people read extracts and apparently it’s rude but okay.)

I mean, on the whole i’ve had a good day, it just ended mentally, which doesn’t help relaxation mode.. I just wanted to get home. I couldn’t wait to get home. But if we (the girls and I) didn’t see adult twins in matching outfits, the cast of Gangman style, a young wannabe ‘heart throb’ use our window as a ‘hair doing’ mirror and a weird dude in an S & M biker hat and nipple vest walk by…I don’t know what we would’ve done all afternoon?

As soon as I got home, I stripped down to comfies, adored my little babies, ordered in a ‘take out’ and watched a motivational video that my Mentor sent me.

Unfortunately i have a short attention span….I like short bursts, rather than long winded stories. Which is weird because I tell long winded stories on here constantly. Lol. But I kinda watched the beginning and fast forwarded it to the end. ย ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s how impressively studious I am. It just got too dramatic and boring. I just don’t need a shouty American to tell me to be driven. I AM driven. I just do it my way…which is calmly… with a cocktail. My eye is NEVER not on the prize. Don’t get it twisted. I’ve not done that bad in life. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I even sent the video on. have no clue why? I just felt like it. But it seems that if you’re already driven and already successful, you’re not too arsed about a motivational video because you don’t really need one. If I can watch it and be bored, then I must be in a good place.

Right…I need wine…