Flashbacks, Fifty Shades & My Flipping Love Life

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I keep doing this thing where I wake up at around 3am in the morning, because I can’t sleep? I sleep naked and so I’ll moan that i’m chilly, step out of bed, not remember to grab a tshirt and instead unplug my phone (priorities)Ā  and just get back into bed. Then i’ll start to Google everything. Literally anything. Lol. Before I get back into bed, I’ll look in the mirror to see if I look okay, whilst it’s still dark, yet turning into morning??? Why do I do that!!?! No one’s there but ME!!!???!! I’ll Google search until I’m tired. Am I a lunatic? That seems a pretty safe option. šŸ˜‰

I did watch ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ before I went to bed….which probably didn’t help, as I have to psycho analyse everything that torments me…:) I dreamt about it all night and then found myself Googling ‘Sadists’ incase I knew any? Lol. Everyone I know is now a sadist or a psychopath. That’s what I came up with šŸ™‚ and then IĀ  just fell asleep, until my kitten woke me at six clock, via the fine art of paw tapping, to make sure I was up to do get Ruby ready for school.

All the way to the school run, life moments kept flashbacking at me, during my drive. My mind went back almost 10 years and for a second, it shot to a time, where I was dating Boyband Jonny, it was late afternoon, we were having a difficult time in our relationships, yet I didn’t know why? He was expressive because he was a creative. Yet, closed off emotionally, because…I’m gonna go with….he was an Aquarian? Lol. (Aquarian’s always find me.)

Anyway, (and this was almost a decade ago) i stepped into a black cab in the middle of Camden, where he was living, which would take me back to Kings Cross, so I could shimmie back onto Northern Soil…and before my cab left, he came running down the street, in his skinny jeans, up to the window and passed me a note. I smiled, waved and the car drove away.

During my journey, I opened the folded hand written note and it read…

‘Dear Chrissie,

I know I never show it…and i’m sorry for that. But I want you to know that whenever i’m with you, my heart lights up.’

(It’s strange that he could never tell me, and had to write it. But I appreciated that anyway, because any expression is good expression, right?)

Then my *flashback* stopped… I was still en route to Ruby’s school drop off. (Boyband Jonny is actually gay now and exceedingly happy and settled. He may not have become the Boyband Superstar that he always wanted…But he openly found his happy place, which not only is MORE important…Yet also makes me beam.)Ā 

But anyway, I was driving away, ‘Happy as Larry,’ chatting to Ruby in the car…I get to the big Ackworth roundabout and my mind begins to race again and this time it takes me to this time last year….

‘The Swirl.’Ā 

It took me to a moment where we were both laid in a bed…his bed, everything was peaceful and it was probably around 11pmish. We’d just watched ‘Britains Got Talent’ and then a round of ‘Celeb Juice,’ before showers in separate bathrooms and night time. I remember him looking at me, saying ‘Things with you are just easy… and after I agreed, we fell asleep that night holding hands.

Then my mind *WHIZZED* me back, almost like it didn’t want me to settle upon that thought. It took me to earlier that day, where ‘The Swirl’ and I were sat on a pale lemon sofa…(which he kept assuring me he didn’t pick..)

‘It was already here when I moved in…’

It made me notice how particular & creative he actually was. (He’s an Aquarian also! They find me.) I noticed a lot of things about him that afternoon…and I loved that, because I adore nothing more than learning about people….simply by observing them… merrily. I’m like a sponge. I’ll take in EVERYTHING.

But anyway, my mind took me to us being sat on this sofa together. We were chilling and watching tv. I made fun of something. He made fun of it also and almost innocently we both burst into this silly banter of laughter. I remember looking at him when he laughed, which made me smile.Ā  I also remember him looking at me when I was laughing, yet when I turned to face him, (as I could feel his eyes on me,) he turned his head away quickly.

Then my *Flashbacks* stopped.

Just like that i was at Ruby’s school…and my normal day had begun.

What is going on with my mind, right now? Both happy moments. Both loving memories.

Yet, I have noticed in love, that I am always in the same place.

I achieve everything work wise. I’m a great mum…I’ve developed with Ruby & Junior threefold. I adore being Mum.It’s not always easy, but I can do it on m own and it has been my greatest gift…my life saver. I dance to New Chapters always because i’m not scared of them. I’m not scared of anything. I’m irrepressible. (My Geography teacher used to always say that about me at school. Lol.)

I’m a life warrior and probably one of the most emotionally together chicks I know! It’s almost like nothing can sort of break me down, because i’ve grown so much, after failing at shit, winning at shit, being broken, yet getting back up each time, with a SMILE ON MY FACE. I feel unbreakable. It’s powerful. It radiates from me…and in a way, i wish every woman felt like that. ( My close chick friends are actually all like that…Well, most of them anyway. šŸ˜‰ )

During my time in Hollywood, I went through SO much. I had the best time definitely, but. I was in my 20’s growing up in LA. There were both good and bad moments, that I never have EVER told anyone anything about…because i’ve never wanted to. But i’ve experienced life and walked lots of different paths. At 20 it was hard. At 37, it’s now such a blessing.

That’s why I always say it is MUCH MUCH BETTER for someone to come into success, fortune, or fame as a 30 something or older, than it is as a young one….As like with love, you can handle it with a better perspective without getting carried away with the bullshit. (I never get carried away with the bullshit…even if it looks like I am, or have. šŸ˜‰ )

However, when it comes to my love life…Like I said earlier…I am always in the same place…

..and it’s been that way since I was 19.

I don’t get it?

I KNOW what I want and I don’t always get it. (And i’ll never just settle.) I know what I do NOT want and that is anything that is emotionally challenging…Things should come easily….At 37, I don’t want to be dealing with issues….I just want to gallop around to the sound of happiness and true love.

I believe in boys chasing girls…The ‘old school’ tactics. It shows that they’re confident and it’s not dipped in arrogance. It shows that they’re not scared of love. It’s easy and uncomplicated.

I believe in honest expression..without that you don’t have anything. You might as well be a cardboard cut out. (I once watched one of my guy friends, make potential girlfriends *jump through hoops* to win his affection. He expected them to guess how he was feeling? I never understood why? It taught me a lot about him. He had his own issues. I accepted him for who he was, as he was one of my guy besties and I didn’t ever have to date him. Lol. Yet I always hoped those chicks quit ‘jumping.‘ He wasn’t THAT MUCH of a prize. šŸ™‚

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I believe in love. I always believe in love. And I hope you do tooo!

So let’s hope that a decade from now….when i’m flipping 47. I won’t be telling you that i’m still in the same place…

But if I am…I’m sure i’ll still be happy…. šŸ˜‰

Chrissie x

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A Fabulous Glittery Madness

‘Right! You two are gonna have to be straight now and look after me. I’m taking NO responsibility for getting back to this train station by 10pm. You have to get me here, in one piece, if you want me to come play drinking with you!’

And my two delicious gays, Liam and Lee looked after me like Kings! They were GREAT! They cared for me. They molly coddled me. They made sure I was okay every little stiletto tapper of the way…..and we had a BLAST! I had been refusing to go out around Soho after dinner, in need to get home. Yet, with a ..

‘Chrissie, it’s only 7.13pm!!! You’ve got ages!’

I ended up going….But fuck it. Liam had a show to shoot in th emorning. I had just come out of a great business meeting. Lee, is on the Westend and has just finished being the main in the Lion King. We had had cocktails, posh scampi and naughty looking pork scratching. And you only live once..

PLUS….

Soho is my old haunt. When I lived in London, I was literally out on the Soho glitter cobbles EVERY NIGHT! I was just off the Paris Hilton Show and everyone adored me, but i had started dating this Boyband guy…If you go back into my archives (via the search bar) his named was ‘Boyband Jonny.’ Anyway, he always wanted to go out because he was young…and we’d do a lot of normal straight bars…but I did notice that he ALWAYS wanted to every gay bar in all the land.

Liam, Lee and I…after we tap danced the time step on the tube…(I can totally tap dance incase you didn’t know…and in heels) found ourselves tinkering to G.A.Y…which is where Boyband Jonny and I would always go…every night. Big Brother Mark Byron used to be the ‘handing out flyers guy’ outside. Even then and because I was so trusting…I didn’t even think that Boyband Jonny might actually be gay? Lol. I mean GOD!!! We were in G.A.Y every night for crying out loud!!

THE CLUE IS IN THE TITLE!!

But we’re great now and he’s all gay and lovely…and certainly states that I broke his heart. I didn’t. I just got bored of being treated badly. I love those moments when us girls suddenly get all clued up and we grow ten feet tall and march forward. Were invincible at the point and beam because we’ve managed to remember that we’re utterly of worth!

Anyway, the best night was had! Yes! I’m far too old to be staying out with the Gays and partying. I’m not used to it. But loved it. We shouted out on the busy streets of London. We danced on the cobbles, in the open airs, singing out Pop songs.

‘If i could sing. I’d be a star. I’d be Rihanna!’ Lol’

We ‘West Side Story’ leaped and finger snapped our way through traffic, whilst selfie taking with the crowds and laughing out loud at our snapchats. We danced in bars…drank…swirled with Drag Queens…and drank….we lived, we loved, we played ‘cheeky’ with security…and we drank, drank, drank,

This security guard kept telling me off and whenever he did i’d snapchat him. Lol. He wasn’t grumpy. Yet one minute he’d be telling me off and the next saying that I looked like Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls and asking to take me home.

DUDE! Girls like me have TRAINS TO CATCH.

Liam, Lee and I swirled our magic, around a glitter mess of fabulosity.

‘I haven’t had this much fun in ages..’

And just as the boys promised….even when they were moderately pissed. They got me to the tube station…LORD KNOWS HOW! I was battered. Glamourously battered ofcourse. Definitely felt ill. But was still beaming.

Liam stayed out. HAHAHAHA! Happy 8am filming! And Lee had a singing show thing to get to by 11am. Where he was performing! Lol.

I got on that 10pm train. I might have been sick.I can’t remember. Liam might have also puked in his hotel room. Infact all my friend across the lands were doing sicks. Double B said she puked into a cup whilst driving around a roundabout. Her distant cousin Double D puked in someones bed? No…wait. He puked from drinking and woke up in someones bed…some girls bed…he was woke up by the sound of a baby! šŸ™‚

The great thing is that I had lots of London fun. (Even though I have annoying London friends, who are moaning that I didn’t get time to see them. I was working..and well if you don’t ask to see me, then obviously you won’t. Lol. Why do people wait in the wings? It’s dull. So much happens in my life that you have to catch me when you’ve got my attention…or strike when the irons….gin. šŸ™‚ )

However, yes, best time ever. Great catch up. Great business meeting…but knackered. It was fabulous because it made me remember how much I adore to chill!

So right! Everything in Wunna land is all about taking care of myself now. Don’t worry i’m not going to go nuts. I’m just gonna eat better, drink less…smile more…and all that good old jiggery. Get fitter. Chill! And not really stress.

I’m gonna love! I feel all inspired and fancy inspiring. Stay focused on what you want to do. Do it well…the people that adore you will always be around. They’ll stand by you and cheer you on!

And i have nothing to lose…:)

Enjoy this absolutely GORGEOUS WEATHER!

ps/ My love goes out to all of those involved in the Manchester explosions. That came as a shock! Hope everyone is safe!