Life, Death & It’s Almost My Birthday

Oh my gosh! I have been drizzled with the snuffles and dashed with the sassy old flu bug. My nose has trickled a seductive *tap dance* (no one looks good with a runny nose) and due to such a beautiful time of Lemsips, Fox Onesies and trying to keep warm at all costs, in the ABSOLUTE FREEZING COLD (I told you, i’m far too exotic for this shit..Yeah, yeah, born in Doncaster. Yeah, yeah…still 100 percent Burmese)…..Wunna Land has been MAN *the jizzles* DOWN.

SAVE YOURSELVES!

(I mean you can’t be Doncaster, Burmese, in ya thirties AND have a runny nose. The combination on ANY level, just DOES NOT fly.)

To be honest, I’m actually quite good when i’m poorly, because the ‘DIVA’ in me pretends that I’m fine. Always fine. I could be naked, crippled and dying on a jagged rock somewhere, covered in rum, despair and diamonds, yet still ask you the time and demand that you,

 ‘Pass me my Louboutins and sort out my schedule.’

So yeah, being me. There’s no sulking. (I’m not one for melodrama and find it unattractive in others. I don’t like mountains out of mole hills, even if it’s raining.)

I zipped myself up and worked all the way through my kitty flu…and yeah I cancelled meetings with new strangers, big ones where in which humans had to catch flights from New York to Manchester, in order to meet me over dinner.  I had to, otherwise a ‘burnout’ would’ve got the better of me. Everything happens for a reason.

However, I figured, that if I kept it all moving, life would pity me and like ‘toddlers in a nursery’ I’d hopefully pass the lergy on, with grace… to one of my delightful chick friends.

‘Honestly, I’m gonna show up and pass it on..’

(Generous of me, I know.)

Anyway, it worked… I’m utterly on the mend and now everyone else is ill. 🙂

*Cheeky. Cheeky. Wink*

I haven’t been able to blog over the last few days, due to work and the kitty flu, but i’m back. A lot has happened.

I still need to write my London blog, as I spent the most wonderful time with my LA Bestie and Superstar Chef Ronnie Woo last week and that was waaay before I did The Backroom Leeds, in sequins and casual winks.

So that blog is still to come and I can’t wait to tell you about our time together. I have some really great LA friends, who have become my life soldiers, simply because we all went through so much together, trying to battle entertainment, in one of the toughest towns in the world. A tough but wonderful town, that is STILL glamourised as ‘Hollywood.’

I have events and blog assignments jiggering all the way up to my glittery eyeballs. I’m really lucky and i’m so grateful. I’ve signed up to campaigns, ones to help the homeless, others to provide support for those in fear of ‘coming out’ in football…there are new brand collaborations and photoshoots a plenty…a booked.

I have an exciting New Year.

But, as a shock…there’s been a death in the family…well I prefer to say a ‘passing.’ My grandmother passed away in the early hours of this morning, well…last night. So, as you all slept and snuggled up to your loved ones (who are probably annoying you right now,) Wunna land was wide awake, with frantic panics and ‘get to the hospital now’ calls. It was almost SO BUSY, yet in slow motion. We’re a really close family, so moments like this, take over everything.

The weird thing is…I actually randomly dreamt of the ‘passing’ on Tuesday night, but I didn’t tell my Mum because I didn’t want to scare anyone. It was just a dream right?

Two days later…early this morning, my grandmother was peacefully taken away from us. My Mum, who’s is the most loving human, yet as tough as can be, is obviously pretty broken by it all, right now. No one loves anyone, as much as my Mum knows how to love. I hate seeing her in tears. It breaks me. Yet, like I said, we’re a loving family, a close family and we’re a family who handles death & support really well.

We cried. We all cried. Even Ruby cried. But in a way, it was beautiful because now the woman who taught me everything I could possibly KNOW about ‘old school’ grace and glamourosity ..

(..my Grandmother used to be a model, Miss. Burma infact. She was dainty and dignified, glamourous and beautiful. She married my Grandfather, a wealthy, stylish lawyer, who saw her at a Miss Universe heat, upon his travels. They loved each other madly and treasured each other with every inch of their souls. They taught me love. They taught me class. And my Grandfather treated her like she was the ultimate Queen of his heart. He provided her with a life that was almost like a dream. )

My favourite memory of my Grandmother is the day she pulled me to one side, in her bedroom, in Burma. We were surrounded by the finest carved teak and luxury.  I was around 13 years old and she secretly gifted me with a tiny precious box. In the box was a ring that she wanted me to have and treasure forever…The ring was gleaming, with the most beautiful Burmese Ruby.

It was the first precious gem that I had ever owned and that moment meant SO much to me, that 17 years later, when I birthed my first child,  I actually named my daughter after that moment.

She’s at peace now….She’s happy… and as my dream showed me, is now with the man of her absolute dreams.

Sleep well Grandma. I love you, always. (I definitely get my awful sense of humour from you. 😉 )

Now, I don’t want you all, to read this as something dreary, as all of Wunna Land, the entire family are sending her our blessings and talking through the ‘passing’ like it couldn’t be more beautiful. I guess, it’s our way of handling it. Yet, i’m someone who prefers to focus on the great moments you have with a human, rather than give energy to the ‘not so’ jolly.

I sat down with Ruby & Junior last night, who seemed so shocked about it all…and in that moment, as I hugged them both… and Junior wiped a tear from his eye… I taught them how important it was to love and more than anything how important it was to LIVE every single inch of their lives without fear. Last night, I felt like I had a purpose. I felt strong. It was wonderful.

So yeah..A lot has been going on and i’m currently having brief afternoon banter with ‘London Business Man,’ who is desperately hungover, still in bed and telling me he ‘misses me.’

‘I’m soooo hungover and four hours late for work. I’m waiting for my boss to call me and shout at me. I’m being all honest and nice to you. You need to say something lovely back, that’s how it works.’

‘You only missed me because you were pissed?? Lol’

In the midst of all that…it’s my birthday in FIVE DAYS. Yup. This little kitty turns 37 in FIVE FLIPPING DAYS! I’m really excited. I LOVE having a birthday. More than anything, I want to celebrate LIFE right now. And I’m weirdly not fretting about the snazzy ‘Being 37’ thing, I’m actually finding it quite sexy? I never felt more together.

I have the weekend to pack and then I am en route to the enchanting Sherwood Pines Forest, on Monday.. for a FOUR DAY break of peace, tranquility and champagne dripped, open air,  hot tubbing, deep in the heart of the woods, in the luxury forest cabin… with the Babies, my Mum, my Dad, Brother and cousins, for my birthday.

I’m so excited. I’ve needed a peaceful break for so long…

Luckily for you, there is absolutely no rest for the wicked, because I will be blogging from my forest cabin EVERYDAY and treating you to live cabin videos, blogs and an actual tour of my digs.

Follow me on everything and YOU get to be there with me, as I take glamping to the NEXT UTTER LEVEL. I actually love that you’re gonna be a part of Wunna Land, as right now…I need it.

I hope you’re all okay?

How did your Thursday pan out?

Friendship, Fights & The Backroom Leeds

Just the most amazing time in the city last night. I cherished, good times. No! Great times…with the people who I will always regard as my absolute closest . (Until I’m a superstar and never speak to them again. 😉 We’re like family and I’ve honestly had a great 2017 because of them.

I love the little swines and i’m really really lucky. I mean, not many people, in my position or way of life have a close bundle of friends, that the can trust and rely on. I do! We’re all really different from one another, yet each add a certain spice to the pot. If you have a problemo, a secret, a love….you’ll know which friend in the group to turn to…and in their own magical way, over cocktails, a cuddle, a whatsapp message, a warm dinner, a new set of heels, or a tissue….they’ll be right by your side, picking up the pieces.

I’m currently in Ego, Ackworth, sat infront of a huge mirror, with a half of Fosters, writing this blog….

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I adore a good mirror seat. One where it looks like I have my back to you, but I can see EVERYTHING.  My vanity gets the better of me. Yes. I’ll admit that. However, I also love the stories that mirrors tell. I’ve watched women with party hats and light up Christmas jumpers wander behind me. Business men. Families. Lone Rangers with quiet pints. Grown adults in weird Elf hats. Girls all a gossiping. And awkward humans on first dates. I love a mirror in the midst of a ‘busy bustle.’ It’s always so magical. Always so glamourous.

But anyway, last night I was out in the city…

As the story goes, the day turned to night. I had had a somewhat stressful day of ‘rushy.’ I HATE RUSHING. I’m a glamour puss. I do things in my own manner, with my own panache and at my own pacing. Not yesterday though. Fuck. I dashed to three cities, running errands, doing meetings, making sure Ruby & Junior were enjoying every inch of their Christmas holidays. I had a deadline. I needed to be ready. Then after the fastest totter, a warm bath, placing my phone on charge and a slip into my silver sequinned dress from the Kourtney Kardashian line for Pretty Little Thing….I dashed out the door, twinkled through the night sky, jumped in a taxi..

Driver: ‘I’m sure I’ve driven you around before. I remember your voice.’

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And Whatsapped ‘Double B’ with a…

‘I’m 3 mins away from yours…’

We drank wine out the bottle, all the way to ‘Firmonnells,’

Double B: ‘How many people do you reckon you’ve slept with?’

Me: ‘Why are they like cardboard cut outs?’

Double B: ‘They’re just Vanilla..’

(I once referred to one of my exes as ‘vanilla.’ He was in a boyband and I’d just come off a tv show for ITV2.  To this day he says I apparently broke his heart? However, surely if you say ‘I don’t want us to be together anymore Chrissie because I’m gay’ that would mean that no hearts were broken in the process. Well, maybe my heart? 😉

He said he loved me madly, yet never messaged me when we broke up because he didn’t know what to say. I just took that as ‘oh he doesn’t care’ and I was fine with that. You can’t MAKE someone love you. You can MAKE someone care about you. Yet ‘true love’ is a whole different potion. If they feel you in their spirit….they will always find their way back to you.

Yiddley Doooooooo!

Anyway, Double B and I apologized to the driver for making him listen to our sexy girl banter AAALLLLLL the way to ‘Firmonnells.’ Yet he assured us he LOVED IT.

Driver: ‘It’s made my night girls.’

We were joined by ‘Fairytale Blond’ and a bit of ‘Mama Sally.’ We did wee’s, drank prosecco, borrowed jackets, exchanged gold clutches and found ourselves on our way to Leeds city centre…our city….yet via THE SINGLE MOST AMAZING train station ever. I’ve never travelled from Garforth before. THEY SERVED BOTTLE PROSECCO, IN BOUJI PLASTIC CHAMPAGNE FLUTES, THROUGH A WINDOW ON THE ACTUAL PLATFORM!!! I know!!! It’s absolute BLISS! All you have to do is buy a bag of crisps with it (because you are only allowed booze with food) and you’re plain sailing and en route to Leeds, with a happy prosecco jiggle.

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With our drinks, in our dresses, with our heels in place and whilst the girls decided to MAKE FUN of my WONDERFUL peacock phone cover.

Double B: ‘What the fuck is that!!’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s fucking horrible.’

Me: ‘SHUT UP! The loveliest phone man gave it to me FOR FREE today, for a selfie, you dicks! I love it!!’

(It’s a golden peacock with diamante studs and multi coloured gems scattered throughout its tail. Lol I actually really do LOVE IT. They despise it and think it looks tacky, because they’re ‘haters’ and can’t handle my glamourisms. They even made a guy on the train tell me that he hated it too! Haha! What dicks)

Anyway within a second we pulled into Leeds, they’re all running like wild women to meet the rest of the group, and i’m trying to catch up, as i’m spilling my prosecco all over me and some guy in a hat with chatting to me about…can’t even remember really? If Santa was a chimney sweeper, it would be him. He was lovely!

Long story short. All met up at a train station bar…who wouldn’t let everyone in because they had reached capacity. It was THAT BUSY. The rest of the girls joined the group and the boys joined us also. Then through the busy city streets, we all walked up ‘hand in hand’ to Backroom Leeds, as ‘Firmonnell’ and I tried to decide if we were actually lesbians?

Me: ‘But I really DO fancy Ellen Degeneres.’

Firmonnell: ‘But what about when you need a penis in you after they’ve…’

The Backroom was great! It’s a small decadent, ‘speakeasy’ bar on Call Lane. Plays the best music. Has a private outdoor terrace. And we had the whole downstairs floor/bar, to ourselves, as our own. It was just for us, our whole group and that was that.

The night was AMAZING.

Slowly but surely, everyone we knew trickled in, piece by piece, a wink at time, the boys in shirts, the girls in short dresses and heels. We love to glam it up…so each ‘trickle’ was dressed to the nines, straight to the bar and with ‘good time’ glint in their eyes. It’s always great when it’s just us, because anything goes, no one will judge and we can all pretty much surrender to the art of celebrating life, the year and friendship….. in the most pissed fashion, forget to eat the yummiest finger food and with all the free drinks that our tokens will allow us.

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We danced, we flirted, we booty popped, we ‘dutty wined,’ we let loose, we turned wild, we snapchatted, we kissy cheeked, we all thought we were sexier than we probably were and we DRANK….we fucking DRANK! Hustle Barbie fell on the floor AGAIN…took ‘Fairytale’ and ‘Double B’ with her. Lol

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Hustle Barbie: ‘It’s my new thing.’

Cuddles and kisses and sequins and hip hop tracks.

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Mood lighting, shots, hair tosses and fresh air terraces.

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Gossips, lies, drama and whispers….

At one point i think my whole entire top fell down for a second, due my excessive booty dance routine. I have no booty, so I have to really work at the back shimmie. Caused boobies to fall out because my dress was too big…Nobody cared. They loved it.

Me: ‘What! It’s because i’m a VEGGIE NOW. I’ve lost weight, but it’s come off my FLIPPING BOOBS!’

Webbo & Jonsez & Dipper & New Boys! They were all really lucky, because we chicas has already hit ‘good time’ and wine bottles, so like props we used the boys for flirts and dance floor swizzles. Hot new faces kept appearing out of nowhere. I backed up and a hot face was behind me. I walked forward and another new hot face greeted me. I even got a cheeky bum grab. (I love a bum grab at 30 something. It’s naughty. It’s fun. It’s a good way to get me to notice you….and he was REALLY HOT. Super handsome.)

Lots of ‘Hollyoaks’ style drama occurred last night. It went from whisper to whisper, to confrontations, to verbal fights. It went from learnt lessons, to hearts breaking, to no judgements and personality clashes. It went from stories told, to secrets revealed and tests of friendships and truth telling.

‘You can sleep with who you want to sleep with. I don’t give a shit! Own it.’

‘Why is she blanking me. I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘This is ridiculous!’

‘Yeah…I already knew that. We all did!’

‘I just love her and I don’t stand a fucking chance.’

‘Just stay away from me. Don’t come near me. What do you think you’re…’

‘Who told you that??’

‘You need to man up…’

‘You else do you fancy?’

‘He’s done now…’

‘I’m leaving. This is fucked up.’

‘If she comes up to me again, whilst i’m trying to talk to you…I’m gonna..’

‘Don’t judge people on shit…Whocares..’

‘I can’t deal with this. Do you want a shot?’

‘She won’t even speak to me now.’

‘I don’t care what you’ve done…’

‘You’re beautiful. Am I stalking you?’

‘This is the last time i’ve ever going to get to dance with you…’

‘You’re new. You’re hot. Are you on Insta?’

‘Who does she think she is!!!’

‘How is this ALL MY FUCKING FAULT.’

[Echo….Echo…Echo….Echo….]

*STOP*

And even though all of the snippets above occurred, this is what I noticed…I noticed that  every single one of us were close. That every single one of us chose to prioritise ‘good times’ over drama. We danced, we laughed, we gave zero fucks. I noticed that in the end, enjoying our friendships with each other, is what we chose to make matter…and THAT is what makes us a family. (Moderately dysfunctional…but s….we’re fly. 😉 )

The clock struck 3am. Time flew by us. We didn’t even realise how fast it has flown!

‘AS IF IT’S 3AM!!! WTF!’

‘Don’t leave…come back..’

‘Come to Fibre with me…’

‘Get in my Uber.’

‘Don’t leave me..’

I had stayed in the private section at Backroom ALL NIGHT, so I didn’t actually realise how busy the place has got upstairs. I walked up to the open air terrace holding Double B’s hand…and it was RAMMED. It was MENTAL.

A guy stopped me with a,

‘Are you Chrissie Wooonaaa?’

‘Yeah…yeah…why?’

‘Do you remember me…?’

‘Jake?’

(I didn’t know if it was Jake… 🙂 )

Yet the crowd took us into different directions and as I sat on the terrace, chatting to ‘Double B,’ under the night stars…(I’m doing a lot of the night stars of recent, aren’t I..)

I watched Jonesez look at me, with all the heartbreak of the world in his eyes…as he stood up off, from the side of the terrace and walked away slowly, with his head all a muddle….

It snowed today…which means there’s magic in the air….

All I know about life is that there are MORE UPS, than there are downs. More GOOD TIMES, than there are bad. And that ANYTHING can happen in a moments wink of an eye….Dreams come true. Life is only has hard as you make it.

It’s the ones of us who can ‘surf that crest.’ The ones of us who stand by what we love and believe is right, for OUR OWN VERSION of existence that get the most out of the world and what’s on offer.

I’ll remember these people for the rest of my life….

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In FIVE DAYS….FOR ME…..

EVERYTHING CHANGES…..

Chrissie x

 

When Hustle Had A Birthday…..

So, I’ve been doing a lot of ‘living’ over the past few days and I guess when you’re a blogger, with a niche that celebrates life, love, glamour pussing and good times…you  kinda find yourself naturally, well…. celebrating life, love, glamour pussing and good times and as your schedule ‘jazzes’ up…your friends, family, agents and brand collabos, rev into ‘first gear’ and you only have tiny bits of ‘free time,’ where you can actually hit*pause,* pour a merlot and write it all out, for the masses to enjoy!

It’s a shimmie that I need to conquer. But in exactly EIGHT DAYS, I’ll finally have that balance right!

*Swag Snaps Here*

I’m really happy, everything’s great. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I guess, I never realised how opportunity could *knock* at the sassy little age of thirty six. But it did, and I opened the door, with my heart and my fingers crossed….and well now…. I couldn’t be more excited for the future. Yet, the future is the future…what happens NOW, it what makes the magic.

Saturday began peacefully. I indulged and enjoyed Mama time with Ruby & Junior, where we wrote Santa Lists, during early Breakfasts, shopped around Christmas Markets, lunched, whilst we laughed at old memories, made new memories and wished upon stars… (I had Pina Coladas.)

Then all of a sudden day turned to night and just like magic I almost *blinked* and found myself in my grey Pretty Little Thing number, with huge diamante earrings dangling with excitement, my ‘big hair don’t care’ wink, hot bow toed heels and a faux fur clutch, as I sat at the bar at Ego, with a wine with a…

Bartender Josh: ‘Where’ve you been?? It’s my last shift tonight. You’ve missed all the drama…’

…as I waited for ‘Double B’ to meet me….so we could venture into Leeds City Centre to the most deliciously glamourous night of ‘girl fun,’ to celebrate ‘Hustle Barbie’s  ‘I’m turning 28’ Birthday.

Gangsta J (Double B’s Boyfriend) rolled up in their mean green diamante green Mercedes and as we drank wine from the bottle, picked ‘Fairytale Blond’ up on the way, we sizzled into Bar Soba on Merrion Street, Leeds… for bottomless supper….and absolute girl merriment.

We were there first, we sat down, got situated, ordered drinks…and then before you know it the rest of the girls filtered in, all dresses, all pouty lipped, all ready for a ‘good time’….and at this point sophistication glistening from our souls.

Now, we’re all glamourous, we’re all social, we all know how to have a good time and we were ALL ready for an evening naughtiness. I met new girls, who have shimmied on the birthday girls ‘best friend list’ for a jolly long time.

Then  ‘Hustle Barbie’ struts in, in her fitted black dress, already drunk. J (I love it when she’s pissed, because you can see it in her eyes…She does a glammy ‘rag doll’ strut and gives  over friendly hugs, like she’s loved you forever.) And from that point, life, love, glamour pussing and celebrations stole our memories. Bottomless prosecco and apple& ginger mojitos stole our grace….Lord knows what we even ordered for dinner? It was served to us beautifully, like a platter of warm delights, during topics on work, boob jobs and  boys….

Double B and Sassy A tried to order ‘Hustle’ some kind of sparkly dessert.

Waiter: ‘We only have ice cream..and she’s vegan, so darling, she can’t have MILK.’

Double B: ‘Well what else do you have??’

Waiter: A £40 cocktail that we can out a sparkler in?’

Double B & Fairytale: ‘We’re not fucking spending that on her…We’ll just *high five* her instead. Lol’

I missed that moment. I didn’t even know it had happened until the day after, as ‘Hustle Barbie’ and I had already found ourselves at the bar, ordering shots for the world…

Bartender: ‘Well you can have those two for free…’

Me: But we need TWENTY!!’

Then with a…

‘Is that contactless’

..later….

Selfies were taken, shots were swizzled,  hand bags were grabbed and we all tottered down dark lit stairs to dance, drink and be merry.

(All I remember is ‘Fairytale’ constantly asking for chewing gum, some random guy buying me a cheap bottle of prosecco, Double B making me ‘almost cry’ and then us all venturing outside, to sit at the bar tables, under the night stars, as the city cobbles filled with other ‘merrimenters’ on a busy Saturday, Leeds night. It was DIVINE. Yet we were all a little ‘shimmied’ that fun turned into MADNESS.)

Hustle Barbie found a random bike on the pavement….and in her glamour pussy, tight black dress glory (she accidentally had part of her nipple out) decided that she needed to sit on it…

OFCOURSE!

So she stepped forward, COMPLETELY MISSED THE BIKE and FELL ON HER ARSE, ON THE MERRION STREET OUTSIDE BAR SOBA.  🙂

I just remember looking to my left, (I was sat with Fairytale, Double B & Chanel Bag Becki and seeing a huddle of glamourous chicks attempting to pick her up.

[The next morning…

Hustle Barbie: ‘Did I fall over, cos I have a burn mark down my leg? It looks like leopard print.’

You know you’re glamour puss, when your bruises are leopard print.

Then that was it…

Becki Green: ‘We need to take her to hospital…’

Chanel B: ‘I’ve whipped it back and forth now. I NEED to make sure EVERYONE has a GOOD TIME!’

Georgie G: ‘Ewww! Who’s put that shot infront of me????’

Double B: ‘Tuck your nipple back in…’

Hustle: ‘ I have tit tape on…’

Double B: ‘It’s making them look stain glassed. You have a stained glassed nipple.’

Georgie G: ‘We need to get her home!’

Fairytale: ‘I need to fix my face. NOW!! I need to go to Manahatta?’

Becki Green: ‘No, I’m taking her to hospital.’

Me: ‘Shall we just go get a drink in Manahatta first? We can do hospital afterward.’

Green Dress B: ‘Yeah, lets go…’

Sassy A: Who’s bag is this?’

Chanel B: ‘That’s MY CHANEL! I’ll have that BACK, thank you very much.’

Me: ‘I’m Snapchatting…’

Then with a *blink,*  we were ALL in Manahatta, which seemed like the BUSIEST PLACE… IN ALL OF THE GLAMOUROUS LAND. The bar was filled with stylish handsomes, great music, sassy girls and saxophone players stood on bar tops, as an energy of lively spirit buzzed through the crowds. People wiggled and winked their way through the masses, as the trendy Leeds boys checked out the talent and the girls pouted their struts with ‘serilla.’

A magical swirl of ‘glitter filled’ mood lighting, swoosh around us, as sexiness and laughter dashed by us and cocktail glasses *clinked* madly. Hustle was falling around at the bar. (Some Lady called us ‘Slappers’ simply because Hustle got served before her.)

Chanel B: ‘It’s not HER FAULT, if the bartender served her first. It’s her birthday!’

Evil Lady: ‘It’s my friends birthday too!! I’ve been waiting…’

Me: ‘It’s JUST REALLY BUSY, calm down…’

Evil Lady: ‘You’re just slappers…’

Me: ‘You’re the rudest person, I’ve…’

Chanel B: ‘Let’s move over there….’

Then the Evil Lady grabs Chanel B’s handbag chain…

Me: ‘DON’T GRAB HER CHANEL!!!!’

Then we moved to a better part of the venue, with ‘served first’ drinks, that  plonked us higher up and looked over the masses. This was after I found Hustle sat on the floor, looking for her bank card, after she forgot where she put her drink, so picked up a candle THINKING THAT IT WAS HER COCKTAIL. Yes…She tried to drink out of the candle. 🙂

The music got louder, Green Dress Becki, started sitting on anything that would allow her to perch, whilst performing ‘can can’ kicks to Kylie songs. She performed her kicks so well, that she didn’t realise that her perch of choice was the side of a booth, occupied by somewhat stylish guys, on ‘boys night.’ Mid ‘can can’…and conversation, I looked back and had disappeared backwards. Lol. I looked again, with my gin and tonic…and she had landed head first into the boys booth…this was after she had tinkered to some other booth, that housed Double B’s old PE teacher, drank his entire pint and left. 🙂

There was girl time, dancing, Fairytale was pulling up her tights, Georgie G was civilized and making sure Hustle wasn’t on the floor, Double B had committed to being ‘gangsta’ and after standing on the booth shouting lyrics that would suggest she was a ‘Girl Boss,’ a booty dance was performed in the name of life!

Hustle must’ve loved her ‘Booty Dance’ as she dropped herself from my neck…

Hustle: ‘Tell me that you love me Chrissie…’

And decided to ‘Twerk it’ with her. There was a Twerk Line. I saw a Twerk line. It was impressive. (As if I got ditched for a Twerk Line.)

Chanel B: ‘ SAVE YOURSELVES… Ooh wait. I love this song..’

Georgie G: ‘I need to get her in a taxi.’

Me: Are we stood in a really shit place, because everyone keeps shoving into us..??’

MADNESS HAD OCCURRED AND THE PLACE JUST GOT BUSIER AND BUSIER.

Hustle ended up on the floor again…but happily, like she loved it. Then Green Dress Becki, started licking everything…grabbed my faux fur clutch, emptied it’s contents onto our booth table and wore it on her head??? Lol.

THEN, she found a Pepper grinder. Who knows where from? GRINDED IT, INTO HER OPEN MOUTH and GROWLED.

Dancing, Dancing, Dancing.

Boys…Girls…Madness…

And even though it all sounds ‘off the rails,’ it was weirdly more glamourous than you would ever imagine….

Georgie G: ‘Honestly…I should get her home.’

Then like ‘Can Can’ kicks, falling into booths, licking things, wearing my  faux fur clutch and Pepper Shots, wasn’t enough of a show, Green Dress Becki decides she going to grab someone else’s hand bag….One of ours…I don’t know whose? Regardless, we were all SO in awe of ‘what would happen next’ that we sat in the booth, gleefully, with excited dolly eyes and anticipation…

I literally watched her in SLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOW MOTION, pick up some zebra stripped hand bag seductively… open it up, like she was a magician…or like there were diamonds hidden under that  zipper…and as she raaaaaised the bag toooowaaaards her face….(I just thought she was going to lick it…Lol) she flipping…

SNEEZED..

She sneezed into the fucking bag because the Pepper Grinder shot had got to her.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

We literally sat there and threw our head back with laughter It was the most hilarious moment of all time.

Then I don’t know what happened…But I’d *blinked* again and Fairytale, Double B and I were upstairs with gin and tonics, sitting in some VIP booth, talking to some guy, who owned some company, who wondered why we had decided to sit in his booth….but let us anyway…

Double B: ‘She’s a blogger…A big one…’

Long story short…we never saw the rest of the girls that night. They danced their way to a taxi….with Chanel bags, sneezes and stained glassed nipples galore.

Double B, Fairytale and I, ended up in some other bar, some other bar, and then on the LONGEST WALK IN HISTORY.

Fairytale: ‘Were getting picked up outside Bibis’

So we walked ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN. Right to the otherside, stopping in bars for toilet breaks, stopping for ‘hi’s’ with stranger…We passed Mission, that housed Zanetti that night….until we found our way to Bibis, via a tunnel….and a very strange man.

I’d sobered up by this point. Walks do that, don’t they? Lol And someone kept shouting things at me….I just can’t remember who or what?

Our legs must have killed,  because we made the executively glamourous decision to sit on the pavement outside Bibis waiting for our lift home….and as we talked life, love and real stories about our existence, a drunk ginger guy walked by us and tried to throw us some change because he thought we were homeless. 🙂

He couldn’t decide?

Our lift came…via Prince Jonny…and Double B TAAAAALLLLLLLLKED, ALL THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY HOME.

Got home, got to bed, woke up at 7am the next morning, fresh as a daisy and did *breaky breaky* breakfast with Baby Ruby & Junior.

Hustle almost burnt her house down.

And that my Dolls…is what life is about!

*Wiggle…Wink*

 

Skating, Mate Dates & Winter Wonderland Banter

After a delicious Saturday of Christmas shopping and lunch with my two little babies, Ruby & Junior, on Sunday morning I found myself stood outside Westgate train station, at 10.14am, in a giant white faux fur jacket, jeans and rust coloured knee high boots (by JustFab.co.uk) waiting for David to arrive. (I’m just gonna call him David…because it’s his actual name and I can’t be arsed to type ‘Jonesez’ all the way through the blog.)

He’s late. (I hate late people.)  He’s been up all night, partying. (I’m too old for late.) He’d pulled random girls with his guys friends, the evening previous….and well he’d probably had about 2 hours sleep in total. Lol.

Me: ‘Where ARE YOU?’

David: ‘I’ve lost my house key! I’m coming…’

ME: ‘Hurry up. I look like a prostitute! I’m stood here and all these strangers keep talking to me…’

David: ‘I’m on my way…I can see you…When’s the train??’

ME: ‘In 14 minutes and no you CAN’T  ******* see ME! Don’t talk…’

David: ‘I’m here. I’m here…’

But yes, I was stood outside Westgate train station, with mini Prosecco bottles in my hand bag and stripey paper straws. It was freezing. People kept chatting to me…and by the time he got to the ‘I can see you, I only live 2 minutes away’ train station…We’d missed our train. He hadn’t even brushed his teeth, he was in black ripped jeans and a leather jacket….but he was ready to get his ‘skate’ on, in the name of Wunna Land.

Me: ‘You’re disgusting.’

David: ‘Shall we get coffee…?’

Anyway, David (who’s a friend i’ve known for ages now) and I had agreed to go Ice Skating, because well… i’m going to be learning to skate shortly and I just fancied having an ‘open air’ skate around, for jolly old kicks.

Our choice of ‘open air,’ skate around was ‘Yorkshire’s Winter Wonderland’ in York. So, we’re really excited.

It’s now 11am. He’s hung over. I’m drinking prosecco through stripey straws. It pretty much explodes on the train and well…on top of all that….. what we find is that WE ARE REALLY RUBBISH AT TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

Now, i’m super independent and usually pretty good at all this jizzle. With David…I’m not.

It honestly felt like we had taken 3 trains, 42 buses, a stroll, a boat and maybe a donkey ride… to get to the Ice Rink in York.

We couldn’t even find our way out of the train station.

‘Shall we ask that man?’

We’d both hadn’t been on a bus for decades,

‘What do we do?’

But we needed to get to the Ice Rink.

I must’ve asked every single stranger where to go and what to do? (David daren’t ask people things. He’s used to be ‘Mummied.’)

Then after chats about our love lives, a call from one of my other guy friends, who I can’t tell you about just yet, but like I said, you will be learning a lot about him in the New Year….

Other end of call: ‘Don’t worry…It’s not another shocking call. It’s good news. Not bad..I need your help…’

…We finally found ourselves 3 minutes away from Yorkshire’s Winter Wonderland.

Got off the bus. Should’ve drove. We couldn’t even find our way to the ice rink? But we did it in the end. David’s sweet, but he’s childlike. Usually if i’m with a guy friend, or even someone i’m dating,  the guy will usually take control of the ‘what toos,’where toos’ and ‘how tooos.’ Even when i’m with ‘The Girls,’ (we’re all feisty by nature,) we just sort things out.

Like I said, in the end…We got there …and once we did, the ‘trek’ didn’t matter…. we came ALIVE.

Shoes off, skates on…

Me: ‘Mine don’t fit me? They’re too big?? I’m not…’

David: ‘I’m shitting myself now. I’m not stable?’

(You always second guess yourself before you’re about to shimmie onto the ice.)

Then after a wait behind glass doors, we were lead onto the ICE, like figure skating champions. 🙂

OH MY GOSH! I cannot SKATE FOR TOFFEE! I was terrible!

Little ‘Twinkle Toes, Skating Champ’ David *zooms* off like he skates for beer tokens.

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I step onto the Ice Rink, looking like the QUEEN of all glamourousity and within THREE ACTUAL SECONDS, of just stepping onto the ICE, I FALL ON MY ARSE AND CAN’T GET UP! Hahaha!

Toddlers were skating around me, like I was the biggest loser and even the staff are giving me pointers on how to ‘get started’ because they felt sorry for Me.

David’s skating around like some ice born Hero. Like he’s ‘Torvil and Dean’s’ love child.

I’ve fallen down about 40 times. I’ve got a wet patch on my bun, I’m screaming and swearing all the way around the rink and David’s now pissing himself at the fact that he has to hold my hand and DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAG me across the ICE, simply so I can move.

I’m still screaming, swearing and falling over….and all of THIS whilst he’s trying to teach me ‘ice skating moves.’

David: ‘Try this on one leg…’

Me: On one ******* LEG!’

David: ‘My arms actually KILLS NOW, from hauling you around.’

Me: ‘Snapchat it for me… I’m not even trying now, because I know you’ll pull me around. Lol’

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David: ‘You’re making ME fall over.’

Me: ‘My legs kill. I’ve had enough now.’

I cannot even TELL YOU how much my legs ACHED after forty five minutes of ‘learning to skate’ with David. How ANYONE copes with being a figure skater is beyond me???

 It is the HARDEST THING EVER.

I had to inappropriately get into another little Oriental girl’s ‘personal space‘ and make like I wanted to hug them WITH ALL OF MY WEIGHT, simply to be able to GET OFF the ice safely.

I fell into David and he didn’t know where to catch me, because he didn’t know of any ‘gentlemanly places’ to grab me, during my fall into him. Lol. He’s sweet, bless him! He really helped me around the ice.

‘I didn’t know what to do? I didn’t know what part of you I was allowed to catch…?’

How anyone does anything sporty or physically demanding for a living is beyond me.  I give them all the respect in the world.

Honestly, I  have NO CLUE how any single HUMAN… learns a routine, swizzles around smiling….and zooms by in lycra and sequins, lifting other human beings, above their head… on flipping  ICE????????

On ICE’ to ME, means being handed a frosted glass of prosecco….NOT SURVIVING a lap… on blades… with Bambi legs.

I’m definitely not a natural. BUT, I will be! (As of tomorrow night, i’m in training and I couldn’t be more excited! My entire body aches from the weekend.)

We definitely had fun at Yorkshire’s Winter Wonderland.  It’s great for a skate around. It’s definitely a good time. I mean life is about doing things, making memories and even though i’m a rubbish skater, at least I can now ‘tick’ that box, with a ‘Yeah Baby.’

I definitely can’t move today. But it’s definitely the most fabulous work out ever!

It was hilarious because the ‘open air’ ice rink was filled with happy skaters and beautiful families.

There was Christmas music playing. Rides! Lights! A Grotto! Penguins! Everything!

AND ALL YOU COULD HEAR from 2.17pm onwards…. was ME swearing and screaming, ALL THE WAY around the RINK! Then apologizing for swearing and screaming, ALL THE WAY around the rink, as David wee’d himself with laughter and my rubbishness.

Me: ‘I won’t even have to FAKE falling down for attention. I can’t even stay on my flipping feet!’

We didn’t last the full hour of skating. Fourty five minutes and I was done. I made him  go skate around by himself because I was too shattered. I needed wine. He was still brimming with a ‘puppy dog‘ energy. (I’m 13 years older than David, so everything he does…to me….seems boyish. But his soul is good. He’s sweet. He’s a good friend. He takes care of people well… It’s such a good trait. It’s honorable.)

We eventually got off the ice. We had a cosy vegetarian dinner (David fancies my chick friend who’s now Vegan…SO he’s trying to be a veggie to impress her.)

Then, as day turned to night, we discussed good and bad at sex…

‘Yeah but they don’t look like they would be good at sex.’

‘I know they’re not, because they don’t have it ever…’

I bought wine. He bought water. He taught me skating. I taught him life.

Me: ‘What a girl will go for in a guy, is sometimes what she is missing from her own life… And also…I need to look at a guy and feel inspired by them….I’m impressed when i’m inspired… I respect them for it…’

Then we tinkered back onto the train and almost within a wink….we were both, on our way back home!

‘Are we in Leeds yet?’

‘I don’t know? I can’t see??’

Susan The Medium & Mini Proseccos

Thursday night was the most amazing night ever. It was astonishing. One of my BEST chick friends and I ‘Firmonnell’ made a trip to go see Susan Wood. I’m gonna tell you about Susan in a minute. But she was in our local area, holding an event at The Victoria Hotel in Allerton Bywater.

So after a long first half of our working week and a busy working Thursday, I dashed home, casually glammed, pouted, changed and within a shimmie of a moment, I blinked and found myself stood outside The Victoria, after a quick ‘whilst getting ready’ Pinot Grigio, talking to a man with a dog and pushing my way through the somewhat regal heavy doors.

The place oozed with character, it was filled with a vintage sizzle, a breeze of calm and comfy ‘ooh’ of life. I had a piano to my right, with old school trinkets placed upon it and before you know it, I was sat at the bar, in my dangly diamante earrings, with my ‘finally have my new phone’ in my hand and a Desperado as my choice of poison.

Within a second, the doors bust open and in struts ‘Firmonnell’ with her super stylish Mum.

‘You look amazing!’

‘You look so glam. Lol.’

Firmonnell’s mum has been searching for a new sense of style and she smashed it that night. She smashed it about iand gave fitted Tweed jackets a new lease of life. Cheek kisses and hugs were exchanged and then we walked over to a quiet separate section of the bar to go meet Susan.

Now, Susan is a Medium. Not just any Medium. Simply the most amazing Medium, in all of the land and i’m not someone to ‘just say that because.’ I’d never do that. I LOVE the a bit of the ‘mystic and magic.’ I’ve seen a lot of Mediums in my time…and I don’t think I have ever been so astonished and amazed in my LIFE.

We meeted me greeted, we enjoyed a couple drinks and then a small huddle of people, who had come to see Susan had arrived for the event. It was a really cosy and a small, intimate crowd and I definitely much preferred that, as Sue’s used to giant rooms, filled to the brim, with packed crowds of humans hoping to receive a message from the other side. I’d looked into Sue and read all about her talent…so I was really excited to watch her work.

It ALL BEGAN!!

We were all sat in groups, as Sue stood at the front of the crowd and introduced herself….She’s sweet, she’s bubbly, she’s knows what she’s talking about and she’s northern. She’s great! Naturally great around people and once she gets in the zone and the vibrations are a brimming, people from the ‘other side’ come to her, the spirits and whatever messages she receives she opens to the crowd, unless she had a really strong vibration with a particular person…When that happens, she zooms straight in and focussing in on you, with her given messages.

Now, this event wasn’t any kind of crap, it was AMAZING. Firmonnell and I are open minded girls, YET we can weigh up what we think is ‘rubbish…right…or ridiculously insane’ and this was INSANE in THE MOST AMAZINGLY UNBELIEVABLE WAY. And I loved that everything  was spoken about openly. It was all deeply personal, raw and real. The crowd was so intimate, that EVERYONE ended up getting a message and as I watched each person’s life unfold right infront of me…even my own….I saw smiles of delight, tears of joy, absolute shock, sceptics be won over and a comfort that filled the room. It all felt so positive. There was an energy in the room. A magic.

I mean, let’s put it this way, Sue had zoned in on Firmonnell and obviously with Firmonnell being one of my closest friends, I’d know quite (well the parts she’d want to tell me) about her life. When Sue zoomed in on ‘Firmmonell’ because the spirits had guided her there, and started giving her messages, in regards to the things that were going on in her present life…IT WAS SO UNBELIEVABLY ACCURATE, that Firmonnell burst into tears, I ended up bursting into tears and almost 8 mini bottles of prosecco had to be guzzled and a box of tissues had to be plonked infront of us. Lol.

We’re both emotional by nature. We’re compassionate. But Firmonnell is fine with a big open aired cry. I’m ‘swag’ and brimming with a delusional pride Lol, so I’ll always try NOT to cry in public…EVER. I almost daren’t. Lol. I’ll look away. I’ll walk away. I don’t cry over the small things.

I WAS IN FLIPPING BIG GIRLS DO CRY TEARS!

We were a proper state, because we just couldn’t believe how accurate Sue had been.

It was crazy. Words can’t even describe it.

And fair enough, I have a blog, people may know a lot about me and Sue is great at proving her worth.

For example, I had a VERY PRIVATE conversation with someone close to me. No one would know about this conversation. I never blogged it. I never told another single human about it. No one. I didn’t tell anyone, because it was something really personal to me and the other party….and when Sue zoned in on me….it was the FIRST THING TO COME OUT OF HER MOUTH.

She knew it word, for word, for word, for word. Every BIT of what happened in that conversation, why it had happened and the outcome of the situation…and in that minute….I was there with her. I was there. I was astonished. It was emotional and everything she told me, from that point on… was absolutely astonishing….my entire soul filled with a magical respect for Sue.

Me: ‘How does she even know all this??’

Firmonnell: ‘Look at HER CHRISSIE. Stop looking AT ME!’

Sue: ‘You look absolutely terrified.’

That night, we guzzled mini proseccos and bottle of Desperados like glamourous pirates,

Bartender: ‘You might as well of bought two large bottle of proseccos instead of a hundred mini ones. Lol’

And we drank in the name of celebration celebration. It was just such a fun night. I definitely got called ‘Erratic’ and ‘A Winner’ at life, in the space of 7 minutes. Lol. Sue was amazing, so great that i’d go again and again and again. Infact, we told the rest of the girls and they’ve all been trying to book in to see her.

The night was so great, that we definitely ended up accidentally pissed. Both Firmonnell and I are ‘good times’ gals.

Meaning we don’t need a reason for ‘one more drink’…we’ll just agree that it’s the right thing to do. We don’t need an excuse to celebrate anything with booze. Booze celebrates our existence. Lol. I left money on the bar. We tried to use someone elses change, that we thought was OUR money, because his fiver looked the same as our fiver? Lol. Firmonnell may have tried to eat someone’s left over crisps. Who knows?? They were there….

We talked life. We chatted outside under the night stars. We stayed until the actual place looked like it was about to throw us out, because they needed to close at some point…

And like a teenage girl, I called my Mum to pick me up.

Her mum, met my mum….Lol….and then we both got home, did that thing were you sneak into bed, because being drunk is going to ‘get you’ otherwise.

Then ‘sort of’ fresh as a daisy…we woke up the next morning, looking like we hadn’t spent the evening drinking like pirates. (It hit me later, don’t worry. I had to eat carrot sticks, because that’s all my body would let me.)

And that was it…we worked all day, did Milky Bar button shots and got on with life merrily.

YOU ALL NEED TO GO SEE SUSAN WOOD.

She is the most amazing MEDIUM ALIVE AND CURRENTLY DOING EVENTS ALL OVER!

www.susanwoodmedium.com

blue top home

I can’t wait to see her again…

Leeds, German Markets, The Homeless & Idiots!!

Literally the best weekend ever. It’s been filled to the brim with life, glamourousity, family, Christmas excitement and a raw reality that keeps all humans balanced.

I tinkered into my weekend after a really busy work week, where I wasn’t ‘Double B’s best life line…

Double B: ‘I have no clue where I am??? There’s a bush, some water and a metal pole. I’m by some nurseries??? Where do I go??’

If you know me, you will know that I have NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. I have no clue where anything is. I can’t walk there. I can’t drive there. I’ll find it in the end, because i’m a natural survivor…Yet let me tell you, it’s a jolly old ball ache. Geography was not my best subject. Luckily, ‘Double B’ is as rubbish at choosing ‘life lines’ as I am and unfortunately called ME, for the answer to her ‘Where am I’ needs.

Me: ‘Don’t get stressed. It’s fine. Calm down. Do you need me to sing to you? Shall I sing to you…I don’t think ya ready, for this jeellly, I don’t think ya ready, for this..’

Double B: ‘There’s a metal pole. I might hit myself with it…Ask Hustle….NOW!!! I’m by some nursery!!!’

Early through the week, ‘Firmonnell’ who is getting thinner and blonder each day and has the most adorable husband ‘Big D,’ who leaves her champagne and fresh cut flowers, before he flies to Barcelona for the weekend with his guy friends, decided to hunt around a building…no…that’s wrong, an ‘ENGINE ROOM’ trying to catch people having sex.

Firmonnell: ‘I don’t know?? It was just in m head. It was creepy. I just couldn’t stop imagining catching people having sex in the engine room???’

Me: ‘What, in that cupboard?’

Fimonnell: ‘NO. The engine ROOM.’

(Cos everybody knows what that is? Lol And one of the beings, that she thought she would find, in her very creative imagination, had just been to Greggs. I saw them with my own very eyes…. So they would definitely be ‘doing it’ with a bacon sandwich in their hand. It’s like the Yorkshire version of ‘Fifty Shades.’ They’ll even stamp ya card afterwards…)

But yes, I rolled into my weekend with beams and smiles, because my Saturday IS ALL about Mummy, Ruby and Junior time. And BOY, did we have a time.

No alarm!

We woke up at the crack of dawn in a fox onesie, a Paw Patrol onesie and one that resembles a Happy Unicorn and within a moments flash, we were showered, changed, (I had a coffee and a Little Mistress faux fur bundled around me,) as we tickled and giggled into a car and *winked* a train into a busy Leeds City Centre.

Believe it or not, neither Ruby nor Junior have ever been on a train before. Well, so they say. Ruby’s actually been on a train to London lots of times. When she tiny and single mummying was hardcore, I used to have to take her with me, with my Mum to appearances and work.

Bottom line, they were both so excited BY LITERALLY EVERYTHING…and it was so sweet because their excitement was infectious. Middle aged ladies and young girls were chatting to them and laughing with them…The train was rammed. It was SO BUSY. But the most lovely lady had saved the children and I seats, just so they could sit down, through all the madness and the bustle. It meant a lot to me. I thanked her profusely.

The rest of the day, (well we were in the City Centre by 10am,) was nothing short of magic. We did everything and anything. We did life. It beamed from us, as we made the city our own. There was buzz in the air. An energy. And as we sauntered through the morning city centre streets of Leeds, Christmas was all around us.

We visited the Candy Mechanics ‘Edible Selfie Station’ where the babies had their faces turned into designer chocolate lollipops, we shopped at Smiggle, we picked out toys, we wrote ‘Dear Santa’ letters, we bought Boba Tea drinks (a Boba tea is one of my favourite non boozy choices, incase you didn’t know) …Our Boba Tea bar of choice was ‘Bubbleology,’ we almost ventured to the cinema, but decided against it, simply because we didn’t want to be stuck inside for hours…and then we grabbed a quick lunch at Yo Sushi. (The one at  Trinity Leeds.)

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The pure and utter absolute excitement on their faces, as sushi and sashimi plated delights, sloooooooowly, glided past them on the magical electronical conveyor belt, as they chatted to the chef was…it was just so fulfilling. (So, I celebrated with a wine. 😉 ) We were treated really well in there and I appreciated that. Ruby tried a little bit of everything.  She has an exquisite palette for a six year old. She adores sushi on the whole… Junior chose the closest thing he could get to fish fingers and chips, by picking out the fish tempura and Japanese salted fries. Lol

Junior: ‘I think I prefer the chips at Mcdonalds..’

But we had a blast. It was amazing.

At that point, we were meant to go home. But I guess, home wasn’t ready for us JUST yet, as we found ourselves hand in hand, walking up to Millennium Square, to the German Market, to celebrate Christmas. Ruby was armed with warm roasted chestnuts and Junior with a cup of sweetcorn. It was so busy, we even got lost. Lol. (Told you i’m rubbish at directions.) I had to call Pete (Ruby’s Dad) to tell me the quickest route to Millennium square. Lol

Pete: ‘Where are you?’

Me: ‘By the Victoria Quarter. I’m passing Harvey Nic’s and Louis Vuitton is on my right. Do I just..’

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Pete: ’…Walk straight up and turn left at the cross road. It’s behind The Light. As if Ruby’s agreed to walk that far. Lol’

And with a blink, we were there, immersed in the magic of a Christmas wonderful land, with fairground rides, mulled wine cabins, hand made Christmas gifts, giant snow globes, merriment, warm fires and just life at it’s finest. Everyone there seemed to be having the most wonderful time…so we went with the mode and embraced it. We went on rides. I did mulled wine, they did hot chocolates, we rescued Rudolph…I don’t think they could believe their little Christmas eyes?

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It was  a swirl of utter merriment. They threw their heads back with laughter. We chatted to pretty much everyone. We sang. We danced down the street. We won teddies. It was almost like everyone around us had committed to having a ‘good time.’ Even the security guard winked at Junior, and told him that his ear piece and walkie talkie was his direct line to Santa. Lol.

He just gazed at him, with his mouth wide open and is face filled with glee. I’ll always remember that face, because one day he won’t be four anymore. He’ll be a grown ass man. But no matter how old he gets…i’ll always be able to see that face in him.

It was still day time, but the air was getting nippier and the day was beginning to turn to night…so I thought i better get them home, even though it was early. Ruby’s nose had turned pink with fun and the open air and they were both still so excited that they needed a lull, a calm, a peace, to warmly settle down to. We were skipping all the way back to the train station. I had bags full of all sorts and they both had giant rainbow slinky’s in their hands, that they had  just won on ‘Hook a duck.’

Ruby: ‘MUM! YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME HOOK IT!!!!’

Junior: ‘I can’t hooker it!!’

The streets were now the busiest streets in all the land…People bustled past, with bags of shopping galore. Leeds was now ALIVE.

The streets were filled with posh couples, teens, students, business men, hip hop clicks, buskers….families…the lot! It was MADNESS!! Delight had fizzled from the air and ‘BUSY’ had taken over. I had all the bags over my wrists, as I held the kids hands tightly and guided them through the crowds….We were gonna go to Gino’s for tea, but I just needed to get them home…

Then Ruby stopped….

Everything stopped.

It was like we had been hurtling through the crowds at a hundred miles an hour, just going with the flow of the bustle, trying to get to the end of the tunnel. She ‘emergency braked’ me.

Me: ‘What’s the matter?’

Ruby: ‘I’ve just got some change left from Hook a Duck…Shall I go give it to that guy?’

(She looks behind us to show me a gentleman, who was sat on the pavement asking for change, with an empty Greggs cup in front of him.)

Junior was already pulling his way towards the guy. (He’s a wild one is Junior. He’ll always do what he wants. Ruby…no she’s older… will always ask.)

Me: ‘Yeah! Absolutely! That’s a great idea. Let’s go see him.’

And we did. We walked back to him, with smiles and a warmth and as he looked up at us, he beamed.

‘Hi, I’m Chrissie…’

‘I’m Junior..’

‘I’m Ruby. What’s your name?’

‘I’m John.’

She looked straight into his eyes, grabbed his hand and placed £2.70 in it.

Now, the next 20 minutes of life, were the most MOVING minutes for me EVER, to the point where I actually filled up with tears  and sat down, on the pavement next to John, to chat.

During these 20 MINUTES, I was the PROUDEST MOTHER ON THIS ENTIRE EARTH. Words cannot even describe to you, how proud I was of my children. I filled up because I couldn’t express how I felt at the time. It was that overwhelming.

Me: ‘I’m sorry i’m crying.’

Ruby: ‘She never cries…’

Here’s snippets of our 20 minutes. There is the heaviest bustle on the Leeds streets. I’m not sat on the pavement with bags of shopping around me, next to John, who is homeless and Ruby and Junior are stood directly in front of him chatting to him….The moment was so magical that the city bustle blurred into the background, almost as if we were cut away in our own little bubble.

Junior: ‘Why dya need money?

John: ‘For food and to buy things that’ll keep me warm.’

Ruby: ‘Are you homeless?’

John: ‘Yes.’

Junior: ‘But why don’t you have a box?’

John: ‘Haha. Aww…I don’t have a box.’

Ruby: ‘Where have you got that bag from?’

John: ‘I bought it, with the money people gave me.. It’s got a change of clothes in it..’

Ruby: ‘Have you seen what we’ve won on Hook a Duck??’

Junior: ‘I can’t work mine.’

John, who is beaming with smiles at this point and probably one of the most eloquent speakers, I had spoken to in weeks, gently looks at Junior and puts out his hand, to see if he’d like help, with his Slinky.

John: ‘I used to have one when I was a kid. You know, if you put them at the top of the stairs, they tumble down them.’

He took Juniors hands and he showed him how to balance the slinky. They were all laughing and filled with an absolute comfort.

Junior: ‘Why don’t you just phone you’re mum? Whenever i’m in trouble. I just get my mum.’

John: ‘My Mum didn’t want me home. That’s why i’m out here. You have a lovely Mum.’

Then he began to explain homelessness to them. I watched him talk to my children and the way he told them the story was beautiful, because it was real, yet he acknowledged that they were six and four and therefore delivered it to them, in an almost ‘fairytale’ fashion. It was so moving.

They asked questions about his life, where he sleeps, how he ended up on the streets, what will make him better…all sorts… There was a dignity to John. He never felt sorry for himself. He told them the facts, then showed them the facts….

‘Watch…’

And as the children stood to one side, (and do know that my kids are used to walking into places and having everyone fuss over them,) he started to ask the busy people passing by, who were inches away from him… for change.

Junior watched EVERY SINGLE PERSON walk straight by John. He watched every single human, not even turn to look towards him. He watched grown mummies and daddies, pull their children away from him and he watched people look towards John, yet pretend he wasn’t even there.

Now, I know my son and he was astonished. He looked uncomfortable. He didn’t even know what to think? He had no clue why everyone was ignoring him. It really made him FEEL. His eyes told a story, in that moment.

Junior: ‘You’re not saying it loud enough. Look. Watch.’

And Junior starts pointing at random people and aggressively shouting,

‘MONEY PLEASE!!!! YOU! MONEY!!’

People looked…. and everyone walked on by.

The kids are now sat around him and  merrily playing with their rainbow slinkies, like the happiest children in the world.

I began talking to John. He asked me about my life and I asked him about his….

So John was newly homeless. He was clean. He was dressed normally. He used to have a full time job, that he lost because the company he worked for went under. He survived with what money he had saved, but couldn’t get another job and missed two payments of rent. The apartment complex that he used to live in…is BOUJI.

He got evicted and had to move back in with his parents. His parents are heavily religious, and didn’t agree with the way he had been living his life….so kicked him out onto the streets. They don’t speak to him. They have nothing to do with him.

Two missing pay cheques changed his LIFE.

Everyone walked past this man like he was invisible. Like he wasn’t even human, wasn’t even there. Not one person in that 20 minutes through him a penny, a look or a smile. John has a DEGREE. He’s expressive. He’s speaks so eloquently. He’s well mannered. He an intellect. He so emotionally and mentally sound that he looked at me and said,

‘Don’t worry. I’m fine. I really am. I know this city like the back of my hand. I’m just learning a new version of it. 🙂  Once I get a job. I’ll be able to turn it all around. I’ll do it. I’m not meant to be here. It’s just circumstance.’

Me: ‘You know tough times are just temporary right? And that tough people are forever…I’ve been exactly where you are! I don’t know what I can even do to help you? How will I ever find you again? Like, do you sit here often, or? I won’t even be able to contact you? I don’t even know how…’

John: ‘How did you get out of it??? Infact, I can tell you how to can help me….All I’ve been wanting to know FOR AGES and I hope you don’t mind me asking, is what time it is and what day it is…?’

Ruby: ‘John. Y’know, if you go down there a bit, there’s swings and wine and stuff…It’s Christmas…’

I pull my phone out…

Me: ‘It’s 2.49pm…and It’s Saturday. It’s November the 18th.’

He looked me directly in the eyes and HE began to fill up. That meant so much to him. It was crazy.

John: ‘I used to be so scheduled. I used to moan about it all the time. I have no clue where i’m gonna go or what i’m gonna do, but just knowing what time it is and what day it is feels good…’

That was it then…I could’ve burst into tears, but I didn’t.

Ruby: ‘Do us a video mum!!!’

Me: ‘I’m a blogger. Do you mind if we take your picture and post it…’

John: ‘Gosh, yeah, course you can. The fact that anyone would even ask to take my picture, has made me feel ten feet tall. Lol.’

(He straighten his hair a bit. 🙂 )

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The kids loved him, chatted to him more, they played with the flipping slinkies endlessly and it soon began to get really nippy. The air was cold! Really cold.

Me: ‘I’m gonna have to get the kids back home now.’

John: ‘It was lovely meeting you Chrissie.’

Me: ‘ Y’know…I walked straight past you. Ruby stopped me to and asked if she could give you change.’

John: ‘It’s what happened next that mattered….You’re such a great family.’

Junior: ‘I love you John.’

(Junior hugs him.)

Ruby: ‘Me Too’

(Ruby dives on him and hugs him too…)

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We gather up our bags and as I walk away with the babies holding onto each hand, I look back at him before I leave and simply say,

‘Look after yourself mate…’

He smiles as we walk away….

Then as life goes on, the bustle got heavier….John went back to asking for change and we managed to get caught up and rammed into a giant gang of ‘Furries’ all high fiving Junior as they passed..

Junior: ‘Whoa!!! What’s going on?? What is this place?’

Me: ‘Let’s get home kids!’

 

As some of you will know. Last night, I posted the pictures of my day on Facebook… I posted the pictures that Ruby & Junior had taken with John. I was DEFINITELY a PROUD PROUD Mum, but I didn’t think too much of posting the pics? I do it all the time…

HOLY SHIT!

All my inboxes filled up within seconds. People were making comments. My phone was ringing and this was as my website email was pinging away…MADLY.

The majority of the comments, I’d say 80 percent of them where filled with love, glistened in a positive warmth, dashed with kind words and support from my friends…

Then 10 percent of them were EVIL. I got called a ‘Bad Mum.‘ A ‘Stupid fucking mum.’ I got called an ‘Attention whore.’ I got called ‘fake.‘ I got called an ‘Idiot.’ People were really rude to me. People shouted at me online for letting my children hug a homeless person, because he was unwashed? Some people tried to turn the moment into a some kind of ‘Wunna stunt…’

And in that moment, I realized how narrow minded and judgmental people still were. It shocked me. I’m not by any means naive. I’m sassy. I didn’t think I would have to explain the actual situation to grown adults or justify it to fools. You should be ashamed of yourself for not being able to feel or see compassion. It makes you blind. It makes YOU the problem.

I didn’t at all, FOR ONE SECOND think that posting photos of Ruby & Junior hugging John would cause such an alarm? However, i’m concentrating on the positive responses, because unlike the weird 10 percent…I’m not an idiot.

So what I’ll say is that I am thoroughly grateful to all of you who stuck up for Wunna Land, voiced your opinion and showed the kids some love. They deserved it. ALL of you! It means a lot. (Kate you were awesome.) The support is always wonderful. That 80 percent of you ARE THE PERCENT that make a difference.

Chrissie x

 

 

London, Thai Brides & ‘The Worm’ in Budapest

I arrived at Kings Cross Station at around noon, after getting stuck in Peterborough for a sassy short while, which was after an evening of ‘good times’ with Zanetti at Mission Leeds.

I slept on the way there, so I didn’t feel dodgy at all, to be fair. I did good. I’m pretty good at prioritizing, these days. If I need to be somewhere, no matter where life has taken me the evening before, I’ll be there. It can honestly be the crack of dawn. If it’s important, i’ll be there.

I had a really important meeting in London….so I made it there, in one glamourous piece, after a snuggle with my babies and a snooze on an early morning Sunday train. (Sunday trains are busier than you think. They’re annoying because everyones reserved a seat, meaning you think you have nowhere to sit, However, no one shows up for their seats because they’re hung over or can’t be arsed,….meaning you’re sat or stood somewhere you didn’t want to be and for no real reason at all.)

YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Now, again…I can’t tell you anything about my meeting, other than the fact that it was a PR meeting, a career meeting and that I was greeted outside Platform 3, at Kings Cross Station.

After attempting to chat ‘work,’ at Five Guys, where the music was too loud, the tables were wibbly and with a Corona in my kitten hand.

‘What? It’s the hair of the dog? I’ve been up all night…’

(I love that I can rock up to a meeting, in a giant white faux fur, sit in a burger joint, order a Corona at 12.01 and simply smile with a..

 ‘I did a Launch Party last night. I’m knackered. Everyone was there. I really need this Corona. Anyway…yeah….where’s my career headed, doll?’

‘We need to go somewhere else. I can’t even hear you. It just needs to be quieter, so I can take notes and chat about everything.’

We moved to a much more peaceful venue, where you could talk career, Wunna Land and the art of ‘moving forward.’ I definitely looked like a ‘Mail Order Bride’ (i always flipping do and it’s annoying.) But after 2 hours and after dreams and hopes were bagged up and scheduled, I popped into the Great Northern Hotel for a quick Merlot before my train back onto Northern soil. (I love the GNH because the couldn’t be nicer to me. The service is impeccable, I have hundreds of tales to tell, from that joint, the cocktails are a dream, they decorate their ceilings with giant chandeliers and because it’s right next to my train home, i’m two steps away from safety.)

Yet, these days, things are simple in Wunna land are they?

OFCOURSE a strange woman found me immediately. Ofcourse, she sat with me and wanted to tell me all about how rubbish her love life was because the guy she had been dating, wasn’t over his (believe it or not) Thai Bride. Lol. I listened. I tried to be helpful. But she didn’t want help. She just wanted a moan and a selfie.

My phone rang and it was ‘London Business Man’ and because I actually TOOK the call, and stopped giving her attention for ONE SECOND, she got in a mood and started calling me  a prostitute…because I ‘looked like one?‘ Lol

Cheers, Cuteness!

I was literally ON THE PHONE, to one of my REAL LIFE FRIENDS and she kept talking over me, to me and making me leave the guy (‘Billy’) who apparently doesn’t love her anymore, actual VOICEMAILS.

Me: ‘Billy doesn’t need to talk to me… I’m on the phone.’

It was crazy. She turned crazy. It all went tits up!

She eventually left and I was kinda glad, because I hate rude people. I’ll sit and chat to anyone. I’m great like that. But don’t be a melodramatic twit over nothing…then take it out on me. I didn’t cheat on you with a Mail Order Bride.

By this time, I had moved outside, (like ya do) and  as London traffic whizzed me by…. I just wished I was home. When you’re knackered…travelling is THE WORST. But ofcourse she followed me, with her luggage on wheels…and in her drunken state, just rambled on about how hard done by she was…because of Thai Brides. 🙂

 It felt looooooooooooong.

I eventually got home. I couldn’t wait to get home. I was finally back on Northern soil. I even text my mum from the train (lol) just for comfort….. and that night I went to bed at 9pm and slept like a baby, ready for my next day, my next early morning of work.

Last weekend was MAD. One minute I was with Santa, the next I was watching Tom Zanetti throw dwarves at people in Leeds, then I blinked and I was in a huge PR meeting in London with a Corona, and then underneath a chandelier some drunk lady decided to take out her history with Thai Brides out on me, whilst telling me she was a fan of my blog. (Kinda hope you’re not reading this.) 

Luckily, the great thing about life is that things quickly go back to normal, doesn’t it? Let me tell you that my faith in sanity and Wunna Land has now been restored.

I mean anytime you saunter into a room, on the 2nd floor of a building and ‘Hustle Barbie’ says,

‘I woke up in a bikini, after a SPATY (which is a pool party in a spa,) at six o clock in the morning, on the floor… in Budapest, before having to come home to Leeds…..’

…you know all is well.

She actually also performed ‘The Worm’ for a bunch of Hungarian men (which is her party piece when drunk and once they watched her do it, they looked at her and just went with ‘Nah….’

‘You always do the worm…’

‘Yeah, cos EVEYRONE MAKES ME!!!! My arms still hurt.’

I had a phone call yesterday, whilst I was tinkering into Marks & Sparks for a quick salad. This phone call was from the same human, who gave the ‘the shocking phone call’ a couple of weeks back. I hadn’t spoken to them since. I had just left them to do their own version of life.

Last night, I didn’t blog because after a mad weekend and a Parents Evening for Ruby, (fyi/ Ruby’s parents evening was amazing, completely different to the one I had to go through with Keiran, for Junior.  I don’t even know how Juniors teacher and I got through it without having to guzzle 42 wines? But yes, Ruby’s parents evening was an opposite kind of experience . Pete sat there and filled up with ‘I’m so proud of her’ tears, which means a lot doesn’t it? I mean, we’re not together and haven’t been for years, but we co parent with such ease and love for our little one….that it’s magical.

I love Ruby and Junior with every inch of my soul, so after a really busy weekend of work and madness….ALL I WANTED AND NEEDED was to spend my time with THEM. Even tonight, we’ve had the most peaceful yet hilarious evening together….and I just watch them grow up before my very eyes with amazement. I’m a really lucky girl. They make my entire world worth it.  I mean, we may have our ‘ups’ and we certainly have our ‘downs,’ yet regardless there is such a deep love and strong bond between the three of us.  We make each other feel really special.

Anyway,where was I? I keep going on these tangents!!

Today, the guy that I can’t tell you anything about yet, who had made the ‘shocking phone call’ a few weeks ago, had also called me twice last night. I missed the calls because I was in bed early. However, this afternoon, whilst I was in a creepy cellar with a Beth, learning the alphabet, I called him back to see what he wanting.

This human NEVER FAILS to shock me. So i’m there in this cellar, now looking at bottles of prosecco, with the alphabet around my cobwebbed heels, shouting sentences at him, in order to conjour up some form of sense, clarity and ‘now what we gonna do’s?’ It was hilarious. These shocking phone calls are always left with an ambiguous ending , where anything could occur….? In the New Year, I’ll tell you ALL about it. Right now…I’m just not allowed to. Lol But we’re gonna have to meet up and talk through everything…recap and recoup…..The only thing I can tell you about the convo is this….

Guy: ‘My situation’s changed….’

Me: ‘Well you need to sort it out because…’

Don’t hang out in cellars..they’re creepy. EVEN IF, there is unopened Prosecco in there.

Regardless to all that, i’m home. I’m working tomorrow. I’ve chilled all night with the babies. ‘London Business Man’ said he was wanted to take me out to dinner. Junior has become obsessed with the calculator on my phone. Ruby has braided my hair, so that I too can be a unicorn? I’m sipping a wine. I’m really missing someone. My feet hurt. My phone won’t charge. I’m second guessing myself. I’m so proud of Australia for VOTING YES, on marriage equality. I’m learning to concentrate on what I’M DOING and not on what EVERYONE ELSE is doing.

But life on the whole is WONDERFUL.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world!

Adam & Steve…

I’m headed to Liverpool today, to shimmie in a ‘Whinge of The Week’ with Ian Walker. I don’t even know what i’m going to do or say? But i know they’ll be prosecco, so i’ll show up and love it. Infact, he’s just messaged me and I think i’ve got all my times mixed up.

I’m currently sat on the edge of my bed, with Pink ‘So What’ playing in the background, the brightest, most misleading sun beam is thrashing it’s way through my window and onto my laptop screen, so I actually cant’ SEE anything i’m typing and i’m having a bad face and hair day. (One of those days where your face goes wrong and your hair follows suit. Yipppeee.)

It’s freezing. I’m freezing. Rocco the kitten is galloping around me. I’ve knocked over a random can of Pepsi that one someone has accidentally left by my bedside table FLOOR and everythings ‘chappy.’ You’ll have no clue what I mean. Infact I’m surprised I do right now. But all my face is dry and my lips are chapped. I’m  CHAPPY. I need a big oily ‘once over.’ (Now Rocco, the kitten has leapt onto my dressing table and kicked foundation all over the floor!

What is today!

I’ve just done the school run and the positive is that nothing was sweeter than showing up with Ruby and hearing Junior shout with GLEE, when he saw us. (He stayed at his dad’s last night.)

‘MAAAAAAAAAMA! RUBY!!!’

I had Junior’s parent’s evening last night. It was a nightmare. I mean, Keiran and I (Keiran is Junior’s Father,) we’re divorced and we co parent the best way we know how. BUT GOSH, we have COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY different views, on how our child should be raised. Keiran’s turned into this massive Jehovah’s Witness (yes) and tenderly FORCES that lifestyle onto Baby Junior.

Junior has been raised in WUNNA LAND. My Land. A land where in which fun, glamourosity, no judgement and cosy Mama Love fills the air. And to me…the two worlds are so different, that it’s all a bit nuts…and that is affecting my son, his education and his basic lifestyle beliefs. He’s 4. It’s too much for him. I’m not having it. Let him be 4! I let Junior be 4! There’s no pressure in Wunna Land. He loves it.

It’s nearly Christmas and Junior, Ruby, The Wunna’s and I are gonna dedicate it to family fun, traditions and the festive season…not praising Jehovah, not pulling him away from school, to worship Jehovah..NOT reading the Bible instead and ‘Christmas Dance Offs’ with Ruby, FOR Jehovah. NO Jehovah!

MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmKAY!

I mean anytime you have uttered these sentences in a PRIVATE Parents evening….

‘Adam and Eve were the original humans created by GOD…’

‘Adam and Eve! What if it was Adam & STEVE….You’d have to be okay with that! Junior might turn around one day and tell you that he’s gay!’

‘HE WON’T.’

‘Adam and Steve. That’s gonna be the title to my next blog!’

‘I don’t believe in Christmas. I don’t want him to do anything Christmassy.’

‘No! I want him to do Christmas. He loves the play. He’s so excited for it all. I don’t want him to miss that! I don’t want him to miss Christmas Jumper day, or cracker making. Or anything!!!!’

‘I don’t pull him out of school for anything entertainmenty, so you can’t pull him out of school for anything religious.’

‘What are your views on Sexual preferences?’

‘He’s behind in school.’

‘That Bible was so badly written…’

‘I love your blog.’

‘Your blog is written by Satan. IT’S ALL SATAN.’

‘You’ll be sorry. You’ll BOTH know i’m right, when the world ends and you don’t go to paradise. You’ll both remember this day and be like AH! KEIRAN WAS RIGHT!’

‘I can’t even imagine you two EVER being married to one another.’

‘All this must be a lot of pressure on Junior. He’s only four and already is learning to be one way in Wunna Land and one way with Keiran.’

‘What! It’s cos he’s a boy. I was just the same.’

‘It’s got nothing to do with gender Keiran!’

‘I’m gonna have to agree with Chrissie.’

‘You’re focusing on the wrong thing Keiran. Just seeing him happy and smiling because he’s so excited about Christmas is what matters!’

‘It used to be a lot worse than this. This is the best we’ve got along.’

‘Do you actually even KNOW what Christmas is ABOUT. It’s satanic. Halloween is the worst!!

‘I’m not religious. Christmas is more of a fun tradition to me.’

‘I am SO SORRY. I bet this is the worst parent’s evening you’ve ever had. Haha. It’s like a flipping show.’

‘You need to flash card him. I mean you’re lucky he’s in a private school because I can sit with him personally and help him.’

‘I’m not against him being in a private school. I just didn’t have the same upbringing. It’s fine for Chrissie. She came to this school. I only got a GSCE in PE. School didn’t interest me.’

‘ I think you need to do your meetings separately from now on. It might be best.’

‘I never have to go through this with Pete, when it’s Ruby’s Parents Evening.’

I MEAN HONESTLY! How crazy can a simple Parents Evening be! Keiran get’s so ‘gun ho’ about things with a passion that not even the strongest soul of a lion could tame. His passion makes him forget to focus on what matters sometimes and that..to us……is Junior.

Then it was sad, because when parents evening was over and we had both walked outside, back into the carpark. It was now the dark of night. My mum had waited in the car with Junior and Ruby the whole time. Tuesday night,’is a night where Junior sleeps over at Keirans.

Ruby & Junior had been having so much fun with Grandma in the car, that when Keiran came to take him, he didn’t want to go. He cried, he screamed and looked at me whilst shouting,

‘Just take me home Mum. Just take me home!!’

And it’s in those moments at night, where you’re stood in the cold, at thirty six, with your two children, your mum, in a giant faux fur, on the 7th of November, by a coal grey Mercedes, in a Private School car park, in Ackworth, Yorkshire…and all you want to do is cuddle your baby son..but you can’t because you have to watch him be picked up and pulled away to go to Daddy’s, as he looks at you and cries.

Those moments are hard. Those moments are really hard. Yet i’m taught myself to champion them.

As soon as I got into the car, Ruby looked at me and smiled…

Ruby: ‘I know your heart is breaking mum. I’m sad too. I miss Junior. But you still have ME tonight!!!’

(She beams at me.)

I pause.

My mum is looking at me, through the front mirror of the car. I’m in the back. Then as I breathe out, I too BEAM with the warmest smile, look to my left at Ruby and simply say, like the happiest, most excited person in all the world…

‘Yeah Babe. You’re right. I love you Roo. Let’s have some fun. How was school today??’

..Cos that’s what Mum’s do.

The car engine started and as my Mum smiles at me through the front mirror, we drive home.

It was GREAT seeing Junior this morning!

I’m off to Liverpool. Shit! And i’ve got a phone call to make. Don’t let me forget! Oh no! I thought it was an afternoon Liverpool thing, but it’s an evening!

Are the Northern Trains dodgy today?Why are they all cancelled??

Godda go.

When I flirted with Candy Mechanics….

So Friday I went down to Trinity Leeds, after being invited to take a tinker at the new Candy Mechanics ‘Edible Selfie’ station. I’m the Queen of ‘The Seat my friends call the ‘lobster arm.’

Double B: ‘She can’t take a selfie of herself without putting one arm up into her hair.’

Firmonnell: ‘The lobster arm.’

Me: ‘I don’t look like a lobster. Lol. I can’t help it. The phone whops out, the arm goes up. It’s life. You’ll all be doing it.’

Double B: ‘Does the carpet match the curtains?’

Me: ‘What’s that got to do with anything? Haha. And Yeah! I’m not a secret ginger…’

Double B: ‘I just didn’t know if when you took a selfie, but  of your vagina, if it had a weave on also…?’

Firmonnell: ‘….and an amazing lobster arm that protrudes out from underneath , to take it’s official position for the photo?’

Hahaha. Why do I have shit friends!!!

To be honest…they’re amazing. Your BEST friends. Your favourites.. are always the ones where in which you can commit to nonsense banter and take a bit of roasting. I mean, Firmonnell and I listened to ‘Hustle Barbie’ randomly sing a chant, about boobs at us, on Thursday afternoon.

It was really creative…it went like this..

‘Titties! Titties! Titties! Titties.’ 🙂

( It was so funny at the time, that we cried. I obviously can’t tell you why it was so funny because we’d get into trouble. But we were talking about sex and ham. 😉 )

But anyway…on Friday I tinkered into Leeds city centre. My favourite of favourites. And yes, I went try out the ‘Edible Selfie’ Station by Candy Mechanics, that has currently opened in Trinity Leeds.

The whole magical concept of Candy Mechanics , swirls the delicious art of old school confectionery into the modern time, where all things ‘social’ take the lead.

(I love ALL BRANDS that take something ‘old school’ and meander it to the sound of a ‘modern day twist.’ Kinda like this blog. The art of the written words and ‘diary keeping’ has been going on for centuries…This is the exact same thing, but with a modern day twist…and it’s now one of the most read blogs in Britain, in its niche and I like to think, i’ve made ‘diary keeping’ cool. Lol)

So I arrived at Trinity Leeds, in my white faux fur and my eyes filled with glee, ready to tinker my kitten self into a world of magical sweet treat. I find myself stood infront of what is practically the most glamourously modern, ‘Edible Selfie’ station in all the land. It’s surrounded by bustle, life, creative energy and grand, well lit window boxes, honouring your face in chocolate lollipop form.  They rotate around like glorious trophies…Almost like a chocolate Oscar.

Caz the PR girl was there. Sassy, fun and informative…and she introduces me to everyone, who have worked all night to make this launch as amazing as it can be. (I appreciate hard work. Things are never as easy as they seem.) There’s another blogger in before me…So whilst she’s doing her do…I’m filling my Snapchat and Facebook newsfeed with the wonder of my personal experience.

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Now, as you know. I like the story of the moment, the behind the scenes, the ‘how you got to your glory,’ tale. I’m inspired by those stories, so I never just want to know about the product…I want to know how someone got there. The hardship.

What I can tell you is that the owner of the company, the creator (who you can see on my pics) came up with the idea, as part of his dissertation at Uni. He handed in a piece of work, yet because he was (and still is) dyslexic, instead of typing the word ‘LIKEABLE,’ he made a spelling mistake and accidentally typed the word ‘LICKABLE.’ It was a big joke in Uni, but his Tutor told him to go with it…

He did…

Two years later, he is now the PROUD OWNER of Candy Mechanics, which is taking over the nation by storm, as one of the most innovative sweet treat concepts of our time. He’s created a bespoke online service and new POP UP Stations across the UK..Not only are they even on tour right now, but he is currently being hailed as one of the finest confectioners in the nation and the Britain’s social ‘Willy Wonka.’

He was there to meet me…and unlike most CEO’s he was working at the station, just like the rest of them. He sat me down infront of a GIANT selfie screen, that resembled an iphone screen, to my right was the rotating gloriously lit ‘Chocolate Trophy’ stand and with a..

‘Stay still. I’m just gonna scan your image.’

He raised a very modern looking appliance around my face, slooooooooooooooowly. It was almost like a work of art. Then just like that, a giant 3D computerised, moving image of my head, my actual selfie, materialised in the GIANT SCREEN. Now, this wasn’t just any old picture of my face. My had had now been turned into 3D chocolate and I could use the TOUCHSCREEN to move it around, choose what flavour I wanted to me and make sure I was happy with the product. The experience of it all was DIVINE. It was modern, glamourous and….well I just felt so trendy and important when I was going through the process of it all. Lol

Then, to the left, a white chocolate lollipop, which was in a half globe shape was placed into a glass box, that had the most hardcore technical machinery fitted into it. These machines, the candy robots, are so precise that they are usually used to cut through wood and brick….all sorts. They are that DRAMATIC. He has used the machinery to carve his delicate selfies into chocolate lollipops. The temperature of the machine is monitored, as obviously unlike wood, chocolate melts in seconds under such heat…and THE SPEED of the drill is monitored.

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‘You need to speed it up for the next one…’

…I heard him state to the chocolate mechanics.  (I love that.)

Now, I stood and watched a globe of luxury white Belgian chocolate (yes, it’s luxury chocolate, not rubbish ‘run of the mill’ type silliness and because the owner used to work for Green & Blacks & Marks & Spencers, in product and taste development) slowly, yet efficiently be gracefully carved into my face. I cannot even describe to  you HOW THERAPEUTIC, it was watching that drill, almost scientifically dance and flirt with the art of confectionery carving. It was mesmerizing. I was enthralled by it all. It was better than sex.

In that moment, nothing else mattered. The art had lulled me in. People stopped by to watch the process and adored it so much, they sat down and began their chocolate selfie moment. It’s crazy how you slowly start seeing your face appear in the chocolate…as it’s brought to life. It’s magic. It’s beautiful.

Straight after the carving…my Selfie Lollipop was then passed to the ‘Gold Duster,’ where just that occurred. My 3D lollipop of my face, was taken by hand and again, like it was the most precious piece of confectionery in all the land, it was dusted over in edible gold dust.

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Once it was dusted, they handed it to me to take a look at and to selfie with and I was astonished at how fantastic the entire process was, to produce such a cute little luxury lolly of my own face. My own head! A lot of work goes into it and it’s addictive. I already need to go again and will be taking both Ruby and Junior next Saturday to go have THEIR faces turned into chocolate lollipops…

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I selfied with mine and Snapchatted the whole thing. It was such a remarkable experience and it’s bizarre because it takes you back to feeling like you’re a kid again…But Willy Wonka has designed a lollipop, of YOU. YES YOU! I beamed with delight. There was distinct glow to my kitty smile.

It’s the most modern treat. The most delicate gift and the most magical experience that I have ever taken part in. Words don’t even do it justice, as you’re very much a PART of this creative process. Like I said, I’ll be going back there this Saturday with my babies, simply so they can experience it to. This is one of the most trendiest gifts or i’d say ‘Thank yous’ that you can give someone this Christmas.

I walked away from the Candy Mechanics air clicking my heels with glee. I kept showing everyone my lolly and treasuring it like the world had created a Masterpiece. Lol.

Then because I was in such a good mood…I thought fuck it…

I missed my next train, flung my kitten bag over my shoulder and merrily strutted through the busy, city streets of Leeds. It was around 2pm. I popped my head up. I smiled and then I pushed through the gloriously glass doors  revolving doors to (as you know) one of my favourite daytime *haunts* in Leeds…Gino D’Acampo’s.

 

Boo Tricka Hoo & Fitness Guru’s

Hey! Cheeky Boo’s! Happy Halla’s. (That’s meant to be cute talk for Halloween. As in, Boo ‘tricka’ Hoo talk. J ) Now, I’m not someone who can be bothered to celebrate Halloween. I mean, I do it for the kids. But let’s face it. When you’re thirty six, a Glamour Puss, with a cocktail schedule to fit in…You really can’t be arsed to walk around the chilly breezed streets, dressed as a suggestive looking pumpkin, or even bob around to your mate’s, mate’s shindig to sip Prosecco, with lunatics. Lol. I’m casually building an empire. I can do Halloween some other time. 😉 The only pumpkin’s I want to see are ones, carved for me, in the comfort of my own home that are casually filled with rum….with straws.

Anyway! I have a lot on. My life is completely changing. I’m feeling really powerful. I’m feeling all W.O.M.A.N. I’m a bit SASSY today. Yet, i’m going to blame it on Halloween and the Dark Side getting me. (Even though I can’t be arsed to celebrate it.)

Things are exciting. Really exciting. But I will say that away from the excitement,  there are extremely long moments where in which one of my best chicks friends ‘Fairytale Blond’ are submerged utter boredom. (I don’t know how we’re getting through the weeks, but we are…with smiles and probable evening wine.) Don’t let dullness sponge its way through you. Change your environment. It’s really bad for you and gives you wrinkles.

I cannot TELL YOU, how utterly important I think it is to DO WHAT YOU LOVE. I say it all the time, I know. But just listen…again. J I’m always one to believe in just being brave and going for it, as you really have nothing to lose, other than lost time. That’s all you have to lose, when you look at the big picture. Happiness and success…and all that jingle, only really happens when you commit to doing the things that you love. And I don’t just mean that in work. I mean that romantically also. It makes such a huge difference. So take a look around yourself today and see whether you’re in ‘Zone Happy’ or just settling because you have to. If you’re just settling, or not working towards something magical that makes you smile…then that’s you done. You might as well ‘grey’ button yourself out for a while, until you wake up.

My New Year is going to rock with shimmie bells and simply because I became brave, stuck a feather in a cap and went with ‘galloping’ to ‘dreams come true.’ (I’ve glamourised that. I don’t gallop.)

But for example… ‘Hustle Barbie’ spoke to me before the weekend, across a desk, with files by her side and said,

‘I don’t know what to do? It’s like I need someone to make my decisions for me.’

Me: ‘You do know what you want to do. You’re just scared to. Which actually DOESN’T make you indecisive. It just makes you a scaredy cat.’

Fear is awful. Don’t do it. It gives you a stress rash. No one wants a rash that begins with ‘Stress.’ Infact, no one wants any rash really, it goes badly with cocktails and first dates. ‘Double B’ currently has thrush, after recovering from tonsillitis. Lol. Normal people wouldn’t then suggest that ‘being a stripper’ might possibly be a better money making’ option for her.

Me: ‘What???? Yeah, best stripper ever! This one comes with THRUSH and Tonsillitis. £20 a dance! Haha.’

Away from that, last night after reading Junior his bed time story. He went for Hansel and Gretel. When I say read, we kinda only watch the ‘read for us’ story together on his tablet. Lol. But he loves it, so that’s all that matters. He adores me laying next to him for a love and a cuddle. I adore a love and a cuddle too with Baby Junior also. It’s bliss.

But anyway, when his little eyes surrendered to sleep. I tucked myself into my own bed, turned out the lights and like everyone began to scroll through my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Great tool for catching up with what is going on, secretly stalking the people you fancy, promoting yourself and LEARNING. I love to learn. But only the things I want to learn. 😉

After Googling a whole bunch of people. (I’ve noticed that I never Google myself now. I used to always Google myself.) Anyway, I ended up cyberlanding in the world of Joe Wicks. Done pretty well for himself, hasn’t he! What an amazing. What a talent! He’s built a big old social fitness empire, that has developed into utter success, tv and riches, via the fine art of inspiring others to be fit and healthy. Great guidance occurred before the magic happened. Welcome The Body Coach.

I read all about him…Infact, I was so inspired, I almost signed up for his 90 day fitness plan.  If he can get ME to almost dedicate my life to fitness (eating lean I can already do) than he’s  GODLY. I wish he did the low calorie cocktail version of his plan though. As i’m not sure it caters for Glamour Pusses. His fitness video is all shirtless and lunges, as you jog on the spot. A favourable routine that gets you results. My fitness video would be shopping in stilettos and stopping to LIFT your cocktail glass every 3 seconds. Great for the arms and the soul? If I sign up to his plan. I’m gonna need support. Lots of it. If it actually get through it…then I’ll label him a genius. I’ll leap to his offices and ‘Pineapple Dance Studios’ high kick in glee.

(I then Googled exquisite heart shaped diamonds. 😉 I loe a bit of Dalby Diamonds.)

Right! I’ve got to get ready now….I’ve got to get to work. But this Friday i’m in Leeds, Trinity Leeds, with Candy Mechanics…Where i’m going to be turned into a chocolate lollipop for kicks! I know! I love it. I’m so excited! I’ll tell you more about it when I get home…

Godda dash….