Love, Life, Stress & Booze UPs

Hi, my little tinsel wrapped Chucky eggs! I’m writing this on my phone with my thumbs, after refusing a morning Guinness, to instead turn on the fairy lights and allow in a little merriment, in my own way. (You’re gonna have to bare with me. I’m shit with thumb tappering. You can’t even sip your pina colada.)

I’ve had SUCH a busy time, following the First Dates thing. I’ve kinda had no rest! Mainly because I’ve had a whole bunch of other stuff lined up..that I’ve had to smash, get in the can, shoot, write, learn, influence, visit or read…and all before Christmas!

I’ve been on every train. I’ve lost both sets of car keys. I’ve won. I’ve lost. I’ve been hit on no end. However, by boys who don’t wanna take me on an actual date..They just wanna ‘bone’ me like I’m a prize…not like I’m human.

But it doesn’t bother me, cos I know exactly what I’m looking for…Boys can’t mess with me. Plus every time some guy, tries to fly in with a boner…who has no intention of anything more, but the merry art of ‘boning’..it’s reconfirms the ‘what I need’ more and more. It does this by showing me what I don’t need….with gin bells on.

That alone makes me happy. I don’t sell myself short  anymore. I’m grown! Being all wise, makes me feel sexy!

Pats in the back for me!!

I’m loving meeting you all. It’s been great to have met so many of you, who have been filled with ‘First Dates’ love for me. It’s weird because it was only a little date in the telly. But I’ve just had so much love from so many people…in bars, in shopping centres, down wine isles, in playgrounds, all over! I’ve had hugs, love and every human, being human. Y’know sending me blessings for the future..because Cupid is a bastard. 😂

I have time for absolutely everyone. So it makes me really happy, when you stop me for a banter or a selfie. So many people still believe in true love!

Being a romantic! I love that, with all my heart!

I’ve felt lost through the whole of last week. Ruby, Junior and I, ALL have! I’ve been filled with a  jolly jiggle on absolute anxiety! It’s been stressful. The kids have been my world through it. I mean little Ruby even read me poems before bed, so I’d sleep.

Chick friend: ‘You kinda have this way of acting like you’re over the moon and fine, when you’re scared or nervous.’

Very true! I’m a pro at it. I have the heart of a true entertainer! Lol

My mum, who’s my life line, tinkered on holiday for 2 weeks. (How Dare She!!) And the timing of it was shit. Y’see whenever a bit of ‘look at me’ occurs, in my life & I’m dipped in a 5 second ‘light of lime,’ I always need her more than ever. I need her more than ever!!

But she was GONE!!

It was good for me though, because you can’t  live in a comfort zone. I’ve got quite good at having the rug pulled, yet still being able to stand and sip my wine!

Now, i’m an independent girl, aren’t I! I’ve travelled the world, with work, on my own since being 19, to dream chase! I was juicy! I still am! But as I’m growing older, my priorities have changed…I’m a sassy bit of ‘family girl’ now. I’m happy, when I’m around the people who I love…because they too care about me the most!

They protect me.. My world is filled with love!

Mum: ‘Chrissie, you can’t be in entertainment and get anxious when people stop, to be lovely to you..It’s your job. They’re supporting you! They want a pic because they’ve loved watching you do, you’re do. Don’t be frightened.’

Me: ‘I’m not frightened. I love it. I love THEM! I do all that well. Sometimes it makes me feel more insecure?’

I guess, when you gave the mist around you, it’s wonderful. However after a bit, it  starts to ‘Circus’ a little…(in fact, it’s not always wonderful, because cyberland will sometimes hate on me. Haha!)

When it starts to ‘Circus,’ that’s when I need my Mama!

Mum: ‘I love you. But you need to rely on your own strength. You need to feel rocky to get strong. When you were a little girl, you were filled with this irrepressible STRENGTH. Now that life has bashed you about a bit..you rely on me or shut away & you can’t, because I’m not gonna be here forever!’

Anyway…

I’ve just got back from London! I had a shoot, 2 meetings and I then did drinks at the Great Northern Bar.

It was cold and chucking it down. But inside where the wine was flowing..it was warm! It was cosy!

Bartender: ‘You’re an attractive girl! Where are you headed tonight?’

Me: ‘I’m just doing life… 😉 I need a large white wine please…with ice in.’

Then after phone calls I was greeted by the most beautiful girl named Lexie and her gay friend from Manchester! (Who didnt sound northern at all!) They were great. So much fun! We did First Date selfies and basically got trashed.

Then these dudes from East London (who’d been trying to get our attention via the fine art of dance routines, under chandeliers) joined us…They were In Christmas jumpers, cheeky and wild! The manager kept having to come over and tell us all to ‘keep the noise down.’

It all went a bit mental then!

Every single person strutting up to the bar had just watched my episode of ‘First Dates!’ It was so strange but ace?? So many people love the show. It felt great!

Then the cheeky East London boys (who ALL had wives and girlfriends…) decided to take a shot at trying to see if they could get me to have sex with them.

Rolls Eyes!

This is my life!

Sometimes I think that maybe I’m just made for ‘entertainment’ and not real life true love.

Why can’t I have real life true love??

Me: ‘No thanks. You need to be thinking about your girlfriend mate!’

Staff: ‘Are you alright, Chrissie?’

Guy: ‘You only live once. My mum passed away. It taught me that! I’ve got a girlfriend, yeah. But I’m obviously not gonna miss out on an opportunity to be with you! If you want that!  You’re beautiful!’

Me: ‘What!!! No thanks. Your girlfriends beautiful. You should call her!’

Everyone was just getting glamourously Christmas drunk! But you need a blow out at times, don’t you!

I ended up puking! Sleeping in my dress. Waking up in my hotel feeling awful, with an untouched Macdonalds by my side…

It took me 3 hours to get out of bed..but as soon as I did..I walked to Kings Cross station, feeling the most hungover I’ve ever felt in my entire life…

I could’ve died. Nothing is worse than being at a train station…waiting…when rough! Plus, I was in heels because I forgot to pack flats. Plus, I had to through my extensions in the bin because they had sick on. Lol

Then fucking Liam calls me (who was currently filming a tv show) with a…

’I need a favour…’

So in my most hungover state at kings cross..I end up having to do his show!!

It was so much fun! But I couldn’t wait to get back to the babies!

An hour and a half later… I was thankfully back on northern soil!!

 

 

 

Life right now though!!! EEek!

Image may contain: 1 person, closeup

Happy Friday! I hope you’ve jiggled your feeling into place! I obviously have a lot going on right now, but i’m dandy. I might have accumulated a stress rash, (ooh delicious..) but let’s face it, right now, life could be worse.

My inbox is rammed. I had THE SINGLE MOST AMAZING PHONE CALL this morning. You know when you’re just a massive fan of people and they call you. That’s what happened to me, this morning!

It’s Insane!

My life is surreal right now and it almost feels like it hasn’t even started?

I’m about to shimmie into the ‘First Dates’ restaurant, to have a flirt with our Fred. I’m so grateful to be given a shot at love.

Image may contain: 2 people, people smiling, people standing and text

My date with Jonny, is already being called one of ‘First Dates’ most SEXUALLY CHARGED DATES, in FIRST DATES’ HISTORY. 

Haha.

( I enjoy that i’ve managed to tinker onto the most romantic show and ruin it., by being sexually charged. Lol)

Mum: ‘Ugh, you haven’t gone and ruined my favourite show have you! Lol’

I lived the date, but haven’t watched the date, and I certainly enjoyed a tipple or two hundred…Hurrah!

I dread to think what I’ve said or done!

Yet, i’m so happy. I’m so excited. I’m busy as hell. I’ve just signed to new management.

(They represent Idris Elba, the ‘Sexiest Man Alive.’ I know!!!!)

There’s been tons of Wunna Land support and I can’t wait to just kick back and tune in…I’ll be tuning in like the rest f you,…

I have family time tomorrow with Ruby & Junior. Then I shoot off to Manchester on Sunday.

MONDAY MORNING, I’m on CAPITAL YORKSHIRE!!!

I KNOW!!!

AS ‘ACTUAL’ IF!!!

Image may contain: 3 people, people smiling, text

Smear me in Nandos ‘Peri Peri’ gravy! 

I’m talking all things ‘First Dates’ with Adam & Jo Jo...and it’s CRAZY, because I live for their show!!!! stalk them. I copy them. I want to be them!! Haha

I literally tune in every morning and wee myself a little with Northern delight!

I can’t actually believe that I’m on their show!!!

I hear Monday night’s First Dates, is said to be a ‘tricky one,‘ as a bombshell is dropped…There’s a revelation.

Y’know what…I’m just enjoying my time…

I HAVE A LOT TO TELL YOU…

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED, SINCE!!

However, it’s Friday and I need wine…So follow all my ‘socials’ and stay tuned for the Wunna ‘Magic’ on First DatesMonday, 10pm, Channel 4.

Image may contain: 1 person, closeup

Next Time On First Dates….

Afternoony, my little trickles of glistening, tinsel torn, kitty wrap. (I don’t know what that means either? Just go with it.)  How are you? I’m great. But knackered. Family airport runs, kicked me in the ‘girl parts.’ I can’t open my eyes. At least if I had ‘goolies,’ it would cushion the blow. Infact, if I had ‘goolies,’ I wouldn’t WANT to open my eyes. I’m too awkward for ‘goolies.’

I love calling balls, ‘goolies…’ like the ‘Juicy’ velour joggers…I want to bring it back! 

I’m currently blogging from Ackworth Garden, by Baby Jesus and the 3 Wisemen. Hopefully some of their wisdom *rubs* off on me, (it’s usually other things that dudes try to rub off on me.)  But i’m feeling lucky!

I’m not too bothered about Baby Jesus, though? He’s been strapped down, by a beautiful chica named ‘Leoni’ who bakes reindeer buns and he now looks a little ‘bondage.’ If I glued studs onto him, he’d be winning at life.

Why am I trying to ruin Baby Jesus? He’s done nothing wrong? Can I get into trouble for that? I reckon i’ve done pretty well to not have already BURST INTO FLAMES, simply by being near ‘Godly’ looking characters.

UGH! I’m so tired!!

(And I’m already getting trolled by keyboard warriors. It’s only 17 minutes past noon. Gimme a break.) 

Okay. I’m gonna cut the crap.

*Slurps Americano.*

Last night, I stayed up to watch ‘First Dates,’ on Channel 4, because next MONDAY, 10pm, I’m on it and they always do the..

‘Next time on First Dates…’ thing, don’t they!

I actually love, that bit….Of course as well as the show! (It’s a great show because it combines, raw and real, surprise moments, with positive banter, dates and love.)

However, when it’s YOU, on the ‘Next time on First Dates…’ bit, it’s kinda surreal????

I haven’t been on telly, on a big show… in a really long time. In fact, it was almost 10 years. Time has flown!! As if it has been nearly 10 ENTIRE years, since I tried to be Paris Hiltons Bestie?? I must’ve got so old, without realizing.

They say that happens….

BUT, luckily,  i’ve managed to fit  a lot into that time. I’ve wiggled out two babies, had a marriage, a divorce, created a sex toy range, been on numerous dates, had a rubix cube of career changes, started a business and done everything in between.

It may not seem like it, but i’ve done alright. But more importantly, i’ve enjoyed it and also met so many wonderful people along the way.

I’ve  also ‘diaried’ it all out. ‘ALMOST’ every day. 😉 I’ve been hungover, busy, tired, scared or lazy, on the days that I skipped.

At least i’m still cocktailing….

You can’t win’em all…

But yeah, I’m much older. (37.) I’m much wiser. (NOT.) Yet, still just as annoying on the telly!! How can this BE!!!! At 20 something, I didn’t realize how annoying I was!!!??!!!  I thought I was ACE!?! Now, i’m like ‘WT *ACTUAL* F!!’

I’m going to take a ‘troll festival’ of online battering….

I usually never ever watch myself back, because like most people, I find myself SO CRINGE. I look different. I sound different But only to me and no one else?? Haha.

However, I can tell you this time, I couldn’t be more giddy, to watch life in the First Dates restaurant, as I strut in and try my hand at love, next Monday.

There’s just something about that place, that fills your heart with ‘ooh laa.’

There’s a magic in the air and it’s filled with goodness, life excitement and hope.

UGH! I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU, BUT I CAN’T!!!

Here’s the clip I saw, last night…

Me: ‘Why have you not told me that I have an annoying voice!?!’

Firmonnell (Chick Bestie) : ‘It’s not annoying. I love it. No one will be surprised by your voice, but YOU! Haha.’

Brett: ‘Your laugh definitely needs a bit of work..Lol…BUT your voice is just YOU!’

Sal: ‘She doesn’t have t tell you….Everyone else will have their cyber go at telling you…Lol’ 

Me: ‘No wonder men thing i’m weird!!!’

Firmonnell: ‘It’s not your voice…’

Me: ‘Can we blame my voice please…K’thanx..’

You need bits of banter to survive it…

(Your friends will have ya back, always! They’ll give you a good roasting, yet won’t let anyone else talk shit about you! Hahaha. The masses who might give ‘trolling’ a go, didn’t go through the what I did, what I have…Some of them, won’t ever have the opportunity to treasure such a moment…and a moment only has to last a second. That’s why it’s important to celebrate all that you are and all that you do…regardless!)

Anyway…

…even though i’m dashed with the ‘oh my goodness…’ reliving the moment will be nothing short of an absolute joy.

I mean that with all of my heart…

I’m the luckiest girl. ..and I love moments like this because you also get to actually SEE part of my life journey, in real life…instead of just in written word.

I mean, I talk about love, dating and all sorts, on a daily. You ask me questions about love, dating and all sorts on a daily, on my Insta Story.

That’s why it’s great to let you BE THERE AND SEE for yourselves, this time. Y’know, hear (Lord help you) and feel with me….It’s almost like letting a ‘book’ come alive! Letting words dance off a page…

If you follow this blog, you’ll get it. You will know how much LOVE means to me. It makes my heart flutter, my eyes glisten and my world go around in a ‘swirl.’

I’m never scared of hearing my heart break, because it’s broken and crunched so many times before, that it’s a trooper…It didn’t matter if I was here in the UK or in West Hollywood, my heart filled with glee and ‘ouchied,’ just as many times. 

But i’m still here smiling! I’ve always given love a go, whenever my heart tells me to, because I know how important it is. 

‘A life without love, is like a song without melody…’

What I’ve learnt about love, over the years is to take chances and that no matter what, your heart will always heal. Even if it takes years! It will always glue it’s pretty self back together and help you feel magic once more, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET IT. ONLY if you also LEARN from the bad times and stick at it. 

When i’m in love, I’m alive.  We all are….Even when we pretend we’re not! Even when we pretend we don’t need it. Sometimes, we fool ourselves….

(Wait! I just need to check to see how Baby Jesus is doing?)

I wish I had more sleep?

I wish I could tell you everything, now! But no can do! I have weeks of blog stories!!!

Why do I look like I rolled around in a pig sty of bronzer, whenever i’m on the telly… ? I look like an Asian Miss.Piggy! But I weirdly love it! It’s me. I’m me. I mean, fuck it, i’ve done it now, haven’t I!

Anyway,

My Inbox is now FULL of guys, asking me out on Dates?  It’s mental. It’s like a spaghetti junction of lost penis.

One guy’s sent me this…

‘Let me take you on a date next week…Lunch and then a random activity.x’

Random Activity?? Hahaha. I’m terrified!  Isn’t that just the same as ‘Netflix and Chill?’ 😉

Code for:

‘Hey Baby, let me give you snacks, then bone you…’

I will tell you that my friends are filled with utter glee, by the simple fact that i’ve actually gone this far to find love….Hahaha..

‘I can’t believe you’re actually on it!!!’

‘I cannot believe you’re doing a First Dates!!’

‘I feel so sorry for your date!! Haha.’

‘I am so excited, because there is no actual way, that you don’t make a dick of yourself! Haha!!’

‘As if, you went on a blind fucking date on the telly! Lol!!’

‘I love this!!!’

‘Can’t wait for this! So low key of you! Haha’

‘Your annoying voice, has just filled my living room.’

‘There’s no way, he’s asked for a girl like you.. Haha.’

So yeah….

Monday, 10 pm, Channel 4….You get to watch me, strut into the ‘First Dates’ restaurant in hope to find true love…..

Wish me luck…

Chrissie, x

ps/ A guy has just sent me this message…

‘So, what ya saying babe…3 pics of ya tits, 2 of ya ass and i’ll transfer £400 to you…’

THEN sent me a screenshot of a bank transfer to a girl who had said ‘yes’ and agreed..

Where have all the good men gone?? 

 

Tiki Bars, Exes, Massage Chairs & Anal Thumping…

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling

I keep having this recurring dream, where i’m in a Tiki bar (lol..ofcourse,) with the same faces, that I don’t know in REAL life, but know like best friends in ‘dream land.’ (Hahah. Don’t ask!) In this Tiki Bar, there are really exotically, lavish looking cocktails. The one I always see in my dream, is the one that comes in a ceramic,sort of zombie, hula dancer’talldrinky cup…and it ‘moonwalks‘ backwards, around the rim of peoples wooden Tiki tables, as they *wink* at strangers and I watch on.

That’s all normal.

(In my world.)

But last night, I dreamt that Mike, my first husband was there (in this Tiki Bar..He’d hate that) and we were falling back in love, but sexily. (I don’t love him, don’t worry. My dream just wanted me to.) We kept feeling it each other up lovingly and cuddling all the time? It was almost as if he was the ‘key’ to all my life happiness.

Then we went back to a dark hotel and had ‘dream land’ sex. But it felt like we were in New York, high in the sky. I remember looking out of a window that looked over the city. 

I got zapped out of that! I *blinked* and everything had disappeared. 

Then…

…all of a sudden ‘Boyband Jonny,’ who I used to date years ago, straight after the Hilton Show, *popped* up in my dream. He’s Gay now. In fact, he was Gay, all along. He just didn’t realize it, at the time, when he dated me. He mixed up fancying me, for simply finding me fabulous. I’m probably the only girl, he’s ever had ‘half sex’ with. He said, I broke his heart. I didn’t though. I was simply ‘key’ to him discovering himself.

I like Jonny, he’s cool. He was actually a great boyfriend. He wrote me a love letter, when I left in a taxi. I am extremely happy, that HE is happy now, he’s found himself and utter true love. 

I don’t mind an unfortunate bit of ‘heart break,’ if it’s helpful. 

HOWEVER…

I do hate it when my exes hijack my dreams!!! Especially,when i’m at a Tiki Bar, (do they not have dream land’ manners.) A Tiki bar, by the way, is my favourite kind of bar in the whole wide world. (If i could own one, I would. Yet, not for profit, just for kicks.)

I want to be able to have my heart broken, storm into my Tiki, BE pissed off, put on my hula skirt, and sip rum out of a flaming fired coconut, with a cocktail umbrella in my hair, as I  pull faces and cry.

I’d have to own it, simply because I wouldn’t want to get my ‘sorry, hula, ass’ up and pay my tab , whilst crying. I’d need Tiki minions for that.

It’d make ‘hearkbreak’ much easier.

I just can’t get away from being haunted by my exes. Why??

STUPID CUPID, you’re A REAL MEAN, guy.

I’m even getting tattoos shortly, to both celebrate and at the same time REMIND ME of things that happened to me this year…

AGAIN, I’ve had a big year of change and I need to remember it. I want to remember it. So I’m going to Tattoo it.

Ofcourse…Lol

(I haven’t had a tattoo in a million years.)

I was telling Ruby, in bed, last night…and even SHE *paused,* laughed and said..

‘Oh my GOD! Don’t get THAT ONE!!!’

She’s SEVEN! Hahaha. She looked at me like I was ‘whacked.’

Hurrah! Flaming Coconut Drinks for everyone!

Yesterday, I was doing bits of Christmas shopping, at The Frenchgate Centre, in Doncaster, and I decided to go on the ‘Put £1 in it’ massage chairs.

I love a massage.

I love a moment, where you can just hit *pause* and relax for a second, during the bustle. That’s why I used to love Prosecco Pit Stop. (Which no longer exists.)

Woe is me….

BUT, OH MY GOODNESS!

I haven’t actually been on a massage chair in YEARS. Let me tell you. They HAVE IMPROVED!!

I’m sat there, slightly awkward, slightly in public, slightly okay with it though. I’m used to winging an awkward situation and making it look glam. (Hilton taught me well.)

The money goes in the slot and HOLY SHIT, that CHAIR, MADE LOVE TO ME.

It caressed and moaned and rubbed and loved. It oozed. It cared. It romanced and it danced.

THEN…OUT OF NOWHERE…

THE massage chair STARTS ******* BATTERING ME. It starts PUNCHING MY BACK with glee. Then BASHING MY HEAD, FROM SIDE TO SIDE. (Haha.) It starts SQUEEZING THE LIFE, out of my little Asian ribs …and WORST OF ALLEMBEDDED IN THE CHAIR, MUST HAVE BEEN AN ANAL THUMPER…

HAHAHA…

SOMETHING KEPT RISING UP, IN THE CHAIR AND THUMPING ME UP THE BUM, BUM….

..REPEATEDLY!!!!!

HAHAHA.

I couldn’t make it stop and I kept having to pretend, everything was lovely, because I was in public and my daughter was stood next to me. LOL

Do I just have this affect on everything!?! Nothing can just LOVE ME FOREVER, without aggressively Anal thumping me? It started so ‘steadily.’ It loved me. IT DID!!! Then just went MAD and started being hateful or horny????

THEN, when the abused had finished, the chair went on to *SQUEEZE* by legs to death (and my legs are pathetic like Bambi…But luckily, it all suddenly *stopped.*

BUT my legs had got TRAPPED!!! (Hahaha)

WHAT THE ******* IS MY LIFE!!!

I thought the deal was that I only had to ‘suffer’ through the LOVE part of my existence…NOT the ACTUAL other bits of actual LIFE TOO!

ANAL THUMPING!

I put FIFTY SHADES TO SHAME.

Who needs, a RED ROOM? In fact, who needs a fucking husband!?!

I want another go!!!

Ruby was there trying to free my legs, but laughing so hard, she was in tears. MY MUM KNEW, bad stuff was going to happen to me, so instead of protecting me, she decided to FILM the horror.

I’m sure she’s secretly like, ‘I paid shit loads of money to put you through school, you WILL become a STAR, even if I have to FORCE IT, film it and get the insta likes FOR YOU!!’

Then I get home, needing 72 wines, a bit of calm and a spot of telly and all that’s on is a ‘Come Dine With Me’ episode with a Farmer, who has made everyone horny with BEETROOT, by fireworks and an ex body building Geordie, in a purple towel, who’s baked a pie?

I LOVE ‘COME DINE WITH ME.’ (I once got asked to go on the show, but didn’t go on it, because I didn’t want to cook for everyone…which obviously is the whole point. Haha.)

I don’t even cook for my own children, let alone strangers. (Ruby at 7, could probably be a fine dining, food critic, she’s eaten out THAT much.)

Bottom line, I was passing time before ‘X Factor,’ followed by a dose of ‘I’m a Celeb.’

After the massage chair, I wasn’t in the mood for watching pies being made…I either needed a documentary on GOD, TO heal my broken soul, like a prayer. OR just go the other way and find something on the lines of ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’

This time next week, I’m on FIRST DATES!!! 

I’M ON FIRST DATES, NEXT MONDAY!!!

I actually can’t wait to watch tonight’s episode. It’s almost like a starter, for my ‘next week’ main! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fights, Sulking & True Love…

I had such a stressy night. All was well. All was wonderful. The Babies and I were a delight. All was sound, as we gathered in our *comfies* and watched telly, by the Christmas tree, with snacks.

Junior got the ‘Special Mention’ at school, so was filled with happiness. Ruby was overjoyed that it was finally the weekend, so she could relax. They had survived their consecutive day, ‘School Accident Form’ doo/dah and life was simply BLISS. (Junior was cute because when passing, he heard teachers talking about Ruby in the office. She had just had a fall. He stopped and asked if he could go see her in her classroom. Once granted, he went in and hugged her, to make sure she was okay. Aww! Lol)

Bliss! Delight! Let’s Call Disney & Tell Them To Make A Movie!

THEN…

…my Mum pops around, we have a massive fight, and everything turns to shit. We’re both really strong headed, so it’s annoying, when we bicker. The thing about my Mum is that, she’s about to go on Holiday for 2 weeks. Even though she loves a holiday, (don’t we all,) every single INCH of HER worries about the babies and I, during her absence. She a proper family woman. A great mum. But she’s nuts.

After the sharp bicker, that played almost like a swift, yet verbal knife throw, I got so bored of sitting there awkwardly, (y’know when you just sit there, being silent and pulling faces, so everyone in the room KNOWS your mad, Lol) that I did the only thing I knew how to do, as a daughter.

That was stand up, storm out of the room, perform a giant, angry hair toss, fling my glitter shoes at a wall and strut upstairs, stomping on every step. Haha. I then wet wiped all my face OFF, took off all my clothes OFF and with a *HUFF* went OFF to bed!!

All. Lights.Out.

The art of ‘SULKING’ is exhausting. I hate it. I tossed and turned all night.

I’m such a Sasserilla, when I think i’m right, that my opponent has NO CHANCE.

Then I had this dream that I was high in the sky, amongst the clouds , but falling out of a plane, tied to Talique from ‘I’m a Celebrity.’ I’m not sure if it was a ‘losing control’ kinda dream or a sexy one? I can’t quite decide? Haha. But yes, I’ve woken up fine, but stressed…even though everything’s kinda gone back to normal. It’s made me feel unbalanced.

We do this, The Wunna’s….We have these ‘Blow Outs’ and then everything goes back to normal, straight away…and mainly because if not, I WILL SULK FOREVER. 😉 I’m a proper grudge holder, until I hear a sincere apology.

Honestly, I’m awful for a ‘sulk sesh.’ I’m not really good at it, but I FULLY COMMIT to it. I’m loyal and brimming with pride. I’m also vain, so I like to look good when I sulk. Haha. It’s great when you’re sulking, after a fight with a guy who’s attracted to you, because their willies kick into action and you always win the war.

I think there’s a problem with me because there’s no grey area. There’s no fuzzy, static channel. It’s all swift flying emotion, or nothing at all. That’s with BOTH happiness & despair. I’d sort it, if I could be bothered.  But there’s cocktails to sip and I kinda like who I am.

Anyway…

(I currently have ‘Thanku, Next’ playing in the background. How is Ariana Grande’s voice so beautiful? She literally sounds like a dream. She can take any song and swirl it with a sound of smooth, angelic empowerment. I wish I could sing. I wish I could ice skate.)

So, I got this strange Snapchat message, yesterday evening. No. It wasn’t strange. It was actually lovely. Really lovely. The kind of message that I adore.

‘You’re so beautiful. X’

I’m classing it as ‘strange’ simply because I didn’t expect it to pop up, (I had to double take) and then I couldn’t decide if it was friendly, suggestive, by accident, all of the above, or even correct of him? I already know the guy closely. I just didn’t expect it, because he’s not in the correct ‘relationship status’ box.

That’s not cool.

However, I understand what he’ll be going through right now, because i’m going through the exact same thing…So he could’ve just had a couple of gins and let a mixture of his memories, his heart and his ‘really big’ willy take the lead.

I saved the conversation on purpose to terrify him…Boys sometimes need to feel terrified. They can’t have their cake and eat it. Even if they think they can…

I’m fine with the message though. I’ve done the ‘ginned up’ message numerous times, through life. So, I get it. My messages are always tragic though, because I don’t have a willy. (I might grow one, for kicks though.)

I wish I could just *blink* and be having fun in a Leeds cocktail bar right now.

Why am I so grumpy today???

I’m missing ‘The Swirl.’

 

 

A Little Bit Of Inspiration & Dudes

‘Did *what’s his face* message you?’

‘He doesn’t as much now. He DM’d me the other day, but it was mucky, so I ignored it.’

‘What about the Naughty Swede? Hahaha.’

‘Yeah. He sent me voice notes at the weekend and on Tuesday, saying he has time of work. Hopes to see me sometime. Hopes i’m well..’

‘What did you say?’

‘I just wished him well. What can I say??’

The Swede is always lovely when he voice notes. Yet, it’s strange how other guys can only seem brave enough to talk ‘sexy’ to me. I don’t know whether it’s because they just see me as ‘sex.’ (Which I don’t like. I’m a lot more than a pulsing vagina, whether they like it or not.)

I don’t know whether it’s because THEY THINK, that’s how I’d like a guy to be, after seeing a couple of big boobied pics? I don’t whether it’s because they feel more comfortable emotionally with that approach? I just don’t get it? I just don’t know?

But right now, it’s not a priority. So I don’t seem to care. I don’t have time to aimlessly amuse a guy and ‘tickle his fancy’ on lonely nights. I have better things to do.

In this phase of my life, I would only have time for a guy, who made an actual effort.

Everyone else gets chucked in ‘fuck it’ bucket. Cya!

Sacha Not Fierce: ‘You’re such a DIVA!! Haha.’

I had my opening conversation via Whatsapp on my phone, during a foggy school run, this morning. I was strutting through a playground, in glitter heels, my specs and with a bag of shin pads in my hand. Oh! And I also had a little half Asian Baby attached to my leg…Luckily it was mine, which kinda saved any awkward situations.

(I was once in Camden and someone else’s child had got lost and accidentally attached itself to my leopard print faux fur. I hadn’t even had Ruby yet, so I remember looking down in terror. Then I realized it was a small child. So I smiled and said, ‘Life isn’t going to be better with me, Lovely! Let’s find your Mum.’)

 Big Kisses! Big Kisses! See you at 3.30pm!!! At 3.30, it’s the weekend, Babies!!!

Junior: ‘I love you MUM.’

Ruby: ‘When i’m older, i’m gonna be rich, just so I can have assistants.’

I’ve got so much going on right now, that i’m kinda just focusing on ME!! It may seem like I do that quite a lot. However, I actually really don’t. I get distracted by things easily. I put other things first. I sometimes give ‘distractions’ unnecessary priority.

But, at the end of the day, I’m a boobied Glamour Puss, not a Sergeant Major. That’ll happen. Yet, it shouldn’t happen ALL the time. I was INCREDIBLY motivated when I was a 20 something. You could see a ‘fire’ in my little Asian eyes. Now you see a ‘giggle.’ But the ‘fire’ is coming back.

It needs to come back, pronto. I think i’ve left under a bed sheet somewhere?

Sasha Not Fierce: ‘I don’t think you get distracted. I think you get bored and when you’re bored, you *hobby* boys, things, drama….anything, just to occupy your brain.’

‘Well, i’m not bored right now, i’m busy….’

Sasha:  ‘EXACTLY!’ And that’s why your focus is on YOU, Sassy Pants.’

Me: ‘I think I need botox?’

Old School Friend & School Mum (As i’m running back to my car):

‘CHRISSIE WUNNA!! I was having my cuppa tea this morning and WHO popped onto my screen!?! I nearly I died! I choked on it! Haha. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like OH MY GOD!! It’s…’

Me: ‘Haha. I know. It’s shocked everyone. But yeah, it’s on Dec 3rd…’

‘Well, I’ll DEFINITELY be watching!!! Good luck! Haha.’

Monday, December 3rd, 10pm, Channel 4. ‘First Dates.’ Set ya tellies!

‘I’ve been thinking about ‘The Swirl’ aka ‘T Bone’ a lot. He’s in my head. But he’s in my head because I miss him and i’m inspired by him. I need inspiration right now. He’s someone that’s really GOOD at focusing on what matters to him and balancing it all appropriately.

He sees the big picture and gives everything his all.  Now, I look back. I get it…because i’ve kinda found myself in the exact same position as he was in. I hope I see him in the near future….But I kinda probably won’t.

I’m also inspired by Toby, we know I am. He’s a life soldier. He’s a fighter. He’ll smash the upcoming Winter Olympics and again he’s someone who seems to stay very focused, without letting the art of ‘tango’ or ‘distraction’ get the better of him.

I’m glad that I briefly crossed paths with him, because he reminded me to take life and opportunity into my own hands. Like I used to!

It must be one of the keys to success. Both guys are sportsmen though. Maybe they’re taught that mentality, every day…

You’re a product of your environment right?

Saying that, Mike wasn’t at all a sportsmen? My first husband. (My Little Mikey Ray.) I’d already  had a few  dreams come true, so I knew that anything could happen. MY parents taught me that anything could happen if I tried, because they made THEIR OWN dreams come true. Mum came over here with only £17 in her pocket and built an entire EMPIRE by herself…

As did my Father, who trundled to the UK with his fingers crossed. He ended up being a bone surgeon and building his surgeries, across the lands.

Mum: ‘Yeah, then we had you. We thought we had it all sorted and you turned around and said you wanted to be a MODEL!! Hahaha! I was like, GOD!! RAY! What are we gonna do?? We know nothing about entertainment!!!??!!!’

(But i’m sure that can’t be true because my dad ABSOLUTELY bought The Sun Newspapers ‘Page 3’ Calendar every year and put it up in the living room. Haha. It didn’t even bother my Mum because she’s cool. Maybe HE inspired me! Lol. )

Whilst he did that, my mum took me around to every single dance class, agent, performing arts school, competition, audition, acting class, ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

You name it…I was there, from being about 7 years old onwards…and this was at the same time as doing school. I went to a Private Boarding School. I had a wonderful time at school. But you kinda had to smash it academically and perform. It wasn’t like you could toss it off and play ‘absent.’ It was competitive. But I liked that, because there was still a warmth!

Plus, all the kids there WANTED to do well. There wasn’t a single pupil there would ever turn around and say, ‘I can’t be arsed to be here.’

We LOVED being at school. It was like a resort, a well protected bubble.

There was no ‘hanging out by the bike sheds, sipping cider.’ It was all. ‘Have you signed up to golf, or pony trekking? I’m bored, do you want a quick round of tennis before tea? ’ Lol.

I remember getting pulled out of class, during my G.C.S.E years, to go shoot a campaign, or audition for a pop band..(lol) Everywhere I went as a child, to compete during this time…Sheridan Smith (who is huge now) was there, with her mum. Doing the exact same thing.

Everything must have been so hectic for my Mum. Yet to me it seemed busy, but it was just so fun and easy. However, I’m now only GOOD at working under pressure. I can only be productive when I have A LOT GOING ON. Otherwise, I get bored…and when i’m bored, you’ll know about it.

Meghan: ‘You’re never home! You’re always out and about.’

I still came out the other ‘G.C.S.E’ end, with 9 A’s, a couple A *’s and a B (for Maths!) I am RUBBISH AT SUMS. I can’t be bothered to add.

Miss. Liddle: ‘Did you see my SEESAW post!!! I’ve found what Junior’s good at! I tested him on his timetables. I put them in front of him, didn’t help him at all…and he got them all right! I was like YES!!!! Look in his bag!’

FINALLY!!!! BLISS! I COULD’VE CRIED! (But really! I could’ve cried!)

So, I have one child that’s a glamour puss and loves poetry, reading, success and beauty. Then another who loves maths, building, codes and logic.

Wait! I’ve got distracted again!

SHIT! I was meant to be talking about how I watched Mike’s dreams come true!!! Haha!

So yes…Forget all that. It must be all lies, because I seem to be good at making everything about ME, most of the time! 😉

BACK TO DREAMS COME TRUE…

Nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough…SOME dreams come true, but I reckon,  they come true because people work HARD, and succeed on purpose. They put everything in place, so that one day, when an opportunity for ‘dreams come true’ comes their way…THEY’RE READY!!

That’s all you have to do, right? Put yourself in a good place and the right place. The rest you leave to life magic and keep your fingers crossed. There’s always an element, a force beyond your control.

I WATCHED Mike’s dreams come true, with my very eyes. I watched him go, from wondering how he was going to  afford a Burger King, to doing a scene with Tom Cruise, in a movie, as I sat in a cinema.

I watched us never go out, because we had auditions the next day. I watched us once having to run out of The Saddle Ranch without paying our tab, to then a year later being sat at a five star restaurant, at dinner, on Valentine’s Day, next to Tom Hanks and his wife.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! AT ANY POINT.

That’s why I hate it when people give up, because they stop believing. They run out of ‘fight.’

I mean, there are always moments where I sit with my head in my hands, thinking ‘FOR THE LOVE OF ABSOLUTE GOD!!’

But every time, I just take a deep breath, swig a wine and get on with it.

Don’t run out of hope. Don’t run out of ‘fight.’ Keep karma on your side, always, because HOLY SHIT, it can be a BITCH.

Love. Live.

Try not to doubt yourself. Focus on how far you’ve come. It’ll impress you.  It’ll stretch you that little bit further over the line, to get you where you want to be.

Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s depressing. Be inspired by them. But don’t compare your life chapter, to theirs. You don’t know what they’re going through behind an Instagram Pic.

Don’t let other people get you down. It’s your version of life, not theirs. Celebrate YOUR story. I’ve never had anyone ‘hate’ on me, who’s actually doing better than me. 😉 Use any ‘hate’ to motivate you.

I call it ‘Operation: Watch Me Now, Boo.’

Make the right choices FOR YOU. After years of sometimes making really bad choices and failing miserably, over and over again, I will actually tell you that it made me smarter. It made me stronger. Made me wiser.

HOWEVER, some of those opportunities were opportunities that really only come around ONCE in a LIFETIME. Lol.  I properly fucked them up because I was distracted. I had to find another tunnel and dig my way to the light. Save yourself some time. Haha.

Stay focused.

I would’ve preferred to have made the right decision in the first place.

I hear a lot of wise people advising others to ‘fail as much as possible.’ And I get that. It’s true. It makes you mighty in the end. You shouldn’t be scared to’ get back up when you fail,’ I guess is the message. Yet, DO KNOW that whenever i’ve made a GOOD DECISION (yes, that HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED BEFORE) and done something right the FIRST TIME ROUND…. It hasn’t felt bad AT ALL. It’s actually felt WONDERFUL!! Haha.

I feel like Dr.Phil. Wait! No I don’t because i’m about to shoot topless on a space hopper, with a martini glass in my hand, for my birthday Insta pics.

We all have different lives. Do yours well!

I wonder what ‘Fairytale, ‘Hustle Barbie, Mel, Firmonnell and Double B are all doing? I haven’t caught up with them in ages.

I’m getting a Flash back of a time when Double B, Fairytale and I were all sat ON THE PAVEMENT, outside some building in Leeds, after a night out, waiting for Prince Jonny, at around 2am, some morning. Double B had her shoes off and some drunk Ginger guy thought we were homeless and threw change at us!

Hahah….

Mums Night, Pink Gin & Trainer’s named ‘Oral?’

You have my greatest apologies for the lateness of this blog. Life is deliciously manic right now. It’s mad. Yet the word i’m gonna focus on is ‘delicious.‘ Anytime I have, where Wunna Land turns ‘lickety lips, Mmmm yeah,’ we’re still okay right? I’m still okay, right?

I’m excited.

(My eyes are sore as hell today, though. I fell asleep on the sofa by the Christmas tree and shocked myself up by a Tiger Beer, with only one eyelash on. Don’t you dare try and tell me i’m not a superstar! Haha.) 

I’m currently over the moon. I’m feeling lucky. I’m feeling grateful. But before I *shimmie* my way to all that, good stuff….Thursday night was  School Mums night.

A night that I weirdly treasure….

It’s actually taken me ages to write this blog because I couldn’t decide which bits were real, which bits i’ve made up in my head and which bits I actually wanted to tell you about?

I’ve had writers block. No. That’s a lie, i’ve had a muddly head over it all…because I can’t tell you everything, the way I want to to tell you it. 🙂

Oh LORD! Haha.

In the end (which is now,) I just went with… ‘blog it out anyway.’ I’ve got so much going on with First Dates episode airing soon etc…I just need to get back on my Unicorn and frisbee this blog out. Y’know, ‘move the road work signs‘ myself, instead of fucking around, like a noodle. (Do noodles fuck around? Haha)

So here goes….

Thursday night. I had two events that I could’ve gone to, or a film premier if I fancied. I turned them ALL down to go on School Mums night. It was my first choice of action, because I adore the mums and why not hang out with a bunch of people I DO know, instead of walking a red carpet with a bunch of people I don’t really know, right?

Events are work and I get that I have a tv appearance about to air. I understand that, I should be concentrating on the ‘being seen part of life, right now.

Yet at 37, i’m not so arsed about the ‘show’ of it all and utterly happy with the fact that I get to keep it simple and just ‘diary’ life out.

Some call it ‘dumb.’ Some call it ‘smart.’ I call it real. 

However, I AM GOOD, at ‘the show’ of it all… 😉 I just prioritize differently….now that i’m a grown up.

Anyway, School Mums Night.

( School Mums night doesn’t happen often. Yet, these ladies are all ladies who I respect and if i’m being honest, I really enjoy being around them. It’s the real life engagements that matter to me, always. That’s why I adore the 30 year old version of myself, because the 20 year old ‘Hollywood’ version of me….would’ve chose differently.)

I’m rambling…Let’s get to it…

(Why am I fucking rambling??? POUR ME A COCKTAIL!!)

Thursday night, I’m with the Mums at Ego, in Ackworth. We all have kids who go to a nearby Private school and since our children are doing this journey together, we try to be close. We try to make the effort to stay close and be acquainted, via the fine art of Whatsapp groups, kindness and all sorts.

These ladies are GREAT WOMEN. Successful women. Y’know, the powerful kind and you can see each of their stories when you look into their eyes.

I scanned the table and read each one’s life, in a second….I always do that, but I tend to wiggle it off with banter and bimbo-isms. 😉 

Their souls are alive, dominant and strong. They’re busy women, or home makers. Yet there’s a warmth to them, even though they seem like they’re the Queen of their own worlds.

I find it ravishing.

We’re all different from one another. But we’re ALL WONDERFUL. 😉 We each possess our own superpower. I couldn’t have celebrated Thursday night… with a better set of Ladies.

THANKFULLY, it was OVER WINE… 🙂 Haha.

We were actually meant to go to Wakefield, to do tapas at Jose’s. Yet at the last minute we ended up at Ego in Ackworth, simply because it was easier. Some were fine. Others were distracted by traffic, by Christmas tree lighting’s, hard times and Dr. Ranj.

I personally didn’t actually care where we went, (I didn’t want to see Dr.Ranj though. Haha. I’d already seen him gyrating merrily at the Diversity in Media Awards on the dance floor, in a beautiful suit and he was ace. I’ve already ticked that off my bucket list. Just give me a strong cocktail.) 

ANYWAY…

‘Shall we make it Ego?’

(Miss.Murphy is always great because she’ll catch a vibe and solve a problem immediately. She’s sexy. I’ll catch a vibe but do nothing about it. Haha. She’s good at directing. She’s good at Sheep herding. She can cut through the muddle, the mist. She heard dithering and she whopped it’s ‘baby powered’ ass, with ‘ooh laa.’)

Me: ‘Honestly, it could be in Paris and I’d fly there…’

(I’d like a Mums dinner in Paris. I need to tug at their inner adventure… 🙂  Saying that.. Miss.Muprhy & I couldn’t even remember to show up at the right time for school pick up yesterday….Maybe Paris is a bit of a lofty goal…? )

Miss.Murphy: ‘I forgot it was ******* Christmas Bauble Painting. I’m sat in my car waiting..’

Me: ‘ME TOO! I’ve had to go to ******* Ego..’

(You’re allowed to go to the bar, when you do things wrong. Don’t judge me. Plus, I get away with it because I’m the wild one…)

I’m certainly the most annoying School Mum. But I just like a good time. Then I like to dash my ‘good time’ with uncensored banter and with a wine glass in my hand.

I reckon I’m an alcoholic…Not even a functioning one…

Everything got sorted…(Not by me. Lol.) I just went with ‘whatever,’ because at the end of the day..fuck it. I need wine and I don’t like spaces between my wine drinking. 😉

Booyah!

I arrive at Ego first because I had a meeting there previous for a Cosmopolitan feature. Lil’ Miss Childs joined me, but tried to scare me with the old ‘cold hands’ trick.

(My arms do ‘Karate Chops’ if you try and scare me. I don’t know why or how? They just burst into ‘Karate’ mode and I think it’s bevause I’m Asian?)

Lil’ Miss Childs: ‘I tried to scare you…’

Me: ‘You can’t scare me when i’m sat in front of a giant mirror that can SEE YOU, you idiot. I told Miss. Murphy, that i’d punch you if you didn’t get drunk tonight.’

Lil’ Miss.Childs: ‘ Hahah. I’m getting a drink..’

I love Lil’Miss.Childs. She’s fun and puts up with my bullshit.

Everyone starts arriving one by one and getting a drink at the bar. The pleasantries are made. It’s always polite and head noddy at first…Until it kicks in. Then my squinty little eyes saw a new Mum venture to the bar and bring back an entire bottle of red as her first drink…Lol…So, I figured, dinner was either going to go REALLY well, or really badly. 😉

YIPPEEE!!!

We’re all seated at a really long table at Ego…and our dinner out commences…

I could’ve sat at the table and just drank all night. I’m really not an eater, on a night out. I’m awful for it. But I got the linguine and swirled it into my belly for substance.

Drinks, dinner and all sorts were served over banter…and even though some of us are closer than others, we kinda got to know a little bit more about the person sitting next to us…..via the fine art of polite ‘drilling.’ 😉

I’m a shit, so i’ll just talk, without censor. It is literally ‘The Real Housewives of Yorkshire.’

(I’m still not over the fact that School Mum Lori turned ‘Real Housewives of Marbella’ down. Lol. I love Lori madly…Especially now that I know she can ice skate backwards!! I love anyone who can ice skate because I think it’s so beautifully impossible!!)

Then she said this…

‘I just wanted to smash that bottle of wine over her head.’

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Her daughter had the most brilliant ‘Greatest Showman’ themed party, and some really forgetful lady, who owned the party venue forgot to show up, open up and let Lori in to set up. (She apparently showed up sometime later…with a bottle of wine. Haha.)

More drinks were poured. More table banter was exchanged. New Mum ‘Alice’ had arrived.  I like Alice because I bumped into her the next day and she was alarmed at how little everyone drank…

Alice: ‘I was planning to get a taxi home and roll in late. But no-one seemed to be drinking, so I just had a gin & tonic?!’

Me: ‘You we’re just sat at the wrong end of the table! 🤣🤣’

(I’m sure I woke up still pissed?)

Anyway, after linguine we get talking about working out…

Lori: ‘You need to do a class..’

Me: ‘I think I need a trainer.’

Miss.Murphy: ‘You need MY trainer. His name is ‘Oral!’

HOLD UP! What!?! As if she has the joy of being stretched out and trained by a burly ‘chunka hunka’ who’s name is pronounced ‘ORAL!’

I want her life! I want ‘ORAL.’ If she doesn’t share him, I’m going to poke her in the eye…She can’t run well with ONE GOOD eye, can she? Then he’ll be ALL MINE!!! (Saying that, she’s raising some kind of sports champion..)

Miss.Murphy: ‘His name’s pronounced *ORAL.* I can walk into work and say *i’ve just had 30 minutes Oral and i’m aching…* They love it!’

Whoever he is! I need him. Does PT-ing work the same here, as it does in LA? 😉🤣 I swear all my guy friends took jobs as personal trainers, when we were young, simply to ‘bone’ as many Beverly Hills Mums, as possible. Now, that I AM a Mum…I’m kinda in!

Then we talked work, PR, Uni, Goldsmiths, Professional Present Wrappers…

Me: ‘Who the fuck can wrap like that!’

Lil’ Miss Childs: ‘I CAN, Chrissie!’

Then we went onto life, partners, money and it came to paying the bill….

So…

USUALLY…we don’t care who’s had what, we’ll just split it, right?

Normal protocol…

But for some reason, it all got really complicated…and I don’t enjoy complications. I’m lazy like that….I like things to be easy….and…I kinda like things to be socially correct. Lol.

I went with it anyway, because I felt too awkward. Haha.

The night ended merrily…

With text messages like..

‘Your carriage awaits..’

Followed by…

‘I’m on my way…’

Everyone ventured home and I stood outside, to have a farewell banter with Miss.Murphy & Lil’Miss.Childs…

Farewell turned into…

‘Let’s have more drinks…’

‘Where?’

’There’s tons of pubs up here…!’

‘COME ON!’

‘No, I’m being sensible..’

‘We’re going for drinks…’

And before you know it, Lil’ Miss.Childs and I were strutting up to the next pub, at around 11pm, talking love…

Miss.Childs: ‘You should be with Pete! I like him. I’ve been with Dylan since I was 15!’

Me: ‘Nooooo… I’m not being with Pete. We just co-parent well! Everyone loves PETE! Haha.’

Just like that, I blinked and found us sat in a cosy village pub, all warm and merry, with giant pink gins as our companions.

We laughed the rest of the night away, loudly, merrily and without a care in the world…WITHOUT censor.

Then i’m sure she tried to convince me that she wanted to be a ‘Wrapper.’ But everytime she said it, she must’ve looked into my mind because she kept pissing herself and saying…

‘I keep saying WRAPPER, but it’s sounding like I mean RAPPER. Lol’

I couldn’t take her seriously after pink gin!

I was literally in stitches because every second she said ‘wrapper’ I imagined her desperately wanting to be a gangsta!

What a great way to end the night!

Me: ‘Should we have another…?’

Lil’Miss.Childs: ‘Chrissie! They’re shut now!!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People called ‘Toby,’ Tamagochi’s & Life…

Today just feels wonderful. I’m  feeling really giddy, really girly and super alive. It’s swirling me about, in a tizzy. I’ve got nothing new to be excited about really. There’s lots going on, but nothing ‘brand spanking.’ I must’ve just got up on the right side of the glamour sheets. I’m clicking my heels in the air, I’m skipping to the sound of tweety birds. The suns in my eyes and it’s making me ‘beam.’ I’ve even fitted into my ‘too tight for me jeans,’ which means my ‘Dragon Fruit’ diet has accidentally gone to plan.

Chick Friend: ‘You can’t be on a Dragon Fruit diet, if you’re still having Sunday Dinners..Haha.’

Me: ‘Oh? I’ve MORE ADDED IT to my diet because it sounds so exotically bouji.’

Chick Friend: ‘I think the fact that your body only runs on coffee, wine and handfuls of olives, is why you’re jeans fit.’

Me: ‘OoooR because the Dragon Fruit FLEW IN and terrified my fat away?’

Dragon’s are ferocious! Why doesn’t’ she get it? Some people are so behind…? 😉

Ah! I’m glad to finally be back to normal. Everyone in Wunna Land has been ill. Yet, we’ve all still had to be ‘out and about’ due to work commitments. It doesn’t make anyone better. Running on empty gives you wrinkly bits. I’ve actually been the only one WELL. So i’ve unfortunately had to take on the duty of being nurturing. It’s not a forte of mine. (Ruby my daughter, has ‘MILKED’ this moment., with GLEE.)

I haven’t been able to smash or check my ‘socials’ properly, as i’ve been running about with cough syrup, parcels to influence, bags filled with Greggs, sick people, a cocktail in my hand and like a maniac in glitter heels. I’m meant to be ‘F’ jazziling my messenger bag and I haven’t even had time to do that! (‘F’ is for Fashion.)

Chick Friend: ‘You still had time to do that slutty silhouette dance, on your wall though…’

Me: ‘Haha. Well, yeah. Anything for a panicky Insta Like moment…’

Chick Friend: ‘I thought you only did marriages for Insta likes…?’

Me: ‘You do know, I could just swap you out for a different friend…’

All I learnt yesterday is that I enjoy ME time (lol,)  I love my work, I can laugh in the face of misery, I’m more selfish than I thought and that I should NEVER EVER buy my children Tamagochi again!!!. FFS. I must be sucker for punishment. Why would I do that to myself…???? Haha..

I bought them these little Digi Pets, that they now have to love, nurture, feed and take care of...ALL OF THE TIME. (Which they have.) YET, when they’re at school, they have DEMANDED that I watch both of their tamagochi’s  and look after them, so they don’t die. Meaning, MID ‘REALLY IMPORTANT’ showbizzy meetings, i’ve had to look down, *pause* and clean up a digital poo!!

Me: ‘Hi. Yeah, I’d really love to be part of the show because….Oh! Sorry….Junior’s bloody Digi Panda has POOED itself and it’s now hungry again.’

WHEN DO I GET MY BIG BREAK!!!!!

Whoever invented DIGITAL PETS is some kind of ‘ruin my life’ genius. Haha. You’re great! I need to shake your hand! I’m putting you in the same box at Cupid!

Like I haven’t been through enough already!?! Like I haven’t had life, chuck an obstacle in front of me, with every step i’ve taken through the years! Haha. I mean GOSH, if someone slid a banana peel my way, i’d slip on it!

But the JOY of it all is…THAT I LEARNT LESSONS. I learnt everything the hard way, yet FAST!

If you slid a banana peel at me now, it would look up, scream and roll itself away….

Don’t be a working single parent and buy two tamagochi’s for your kids, unless you are ready to drive yourself insane, for kicks. If you can handle it…Get to it!( If i’m being truly  honest, I’m TRYING to be sassy, BUT i’ve looked after  BOTH Digi Pets, ALL day so far, and i’ve actually loved it so much,that I might be addicted. It’s just not in my nature to ‘give in’ like that! That’s why Mr.Digi Pet inventor is a genius. My heart won’t let me stop! Lol. )

But back to ‘SASS…’

I stood in a puddle, in the terenchal rain yesterday afternoon, which filled the inside of my glitter, kitten heel , with puddle water. It nearly tipped me over the edge, however, I got on with life, with a smile. Lol. No wonder, i’m single!

Ruby: ‘Mum, you just need a wine…It’ll be fine. ‘

Hahah….I got over myself quickly and we as a lil’ family enjoyed MOVIE NIGHT, together. (It’s our Monday thing.)

Anyway….

Away from that…

I was chatting to Toby Olubi the other day. (Via DM, not in person.) You need to Google him, because I think he’s one of the most inspiring humans ever. He’s incredible and his story so far is movie worthy. I like people who tell their story freely. People who aren’t afraid to give life, a proper good go and create opportunities for THEMSELVES, even when they’re terrified.

Anyway, he’s on the Great Britain Bob sledding team for the upcoming 2019 Winter Olympics and his journey to that point, which is really only the beginning has been remarkable. He missed out on making the cut last time around. He never let that happen again.  He funded HIMSELF there by going on every tv gameshow that would have him. (Deal or No Deal, The Cube etc…All Sorts..)

Image result for toby olubi

He even got shot out of a human canon ball, for crying out loud!!!

I watched him on ‘The Big Audition’ on ITV…Where he WON, the role as the new Fitness Presenter for ‘Ideal World,’ and it wasn’t the ‘WINNING’ OF THE MOMENT, that moved me. It was his face, his reaction…when they just looked at him and said, ‘Welcome to the team…’

It was really real…and when I read his story….I was in awe. That’s a great guy! He’s a POSITIVE BEING. There’s a likeability to him.

A phenomenal athlete.

‘1/4 of the fastest sled in history!!!’

Image result for toby olubi

He used to be a teacher….

Toby: ‘ I like that you use correct grammar.’

Yet more importantly, he’s a go getter. A life trooper.He took HIS version of life, into HIS OWN hands, when it could’ve ALL  gone ‘doo lally.’ He never gave up….and HE SMASHED IT.  He’s a fun, determined soul.

I like people like him!

So, if you do anything today, please do take a moment  to Google him ( TOBY OLUBI) and read his story online. You’ll feel pretty inspired…and he’s only at the beginning of his life game…He’s done really well at bringing attention to the GB Bob Sledding team. I’m impressed.

Being me…I told him all this.

Chick friend: ‘Here we go…’

(I might have slipped a ‘handsome’ in also. Haha. I’m Northern. I’m human. What can I say! Let’s hope he doesn’t keep his shirt on for too long, in the Winter Olympic cold. I’ve never been more about Bob Sledding than I am now, in my entire life!! Before i’d be like, ‘Who’s Bob? 😉 )

The reason why I want you to remember him, is because you’re gonna hear a lot about him soon. I can feel it in my bones. Yet, the wonderful thing is that he deserves it and when people deserve a ‘pat on the back,’ it makes me smile.

(A friend of mine, who is doing well, and drilling his way into the limelight, recently decided to use his voice ‘for evil,’ as I call it. Y’know….when they start hating on everyone and everything for attention and making really drastic judgments upon people and groups, for a bit of ‘look at me.’I don’t like all that. I don’t think it deserves a ‘pat on the back,’ ever. It upsets me because the guy is actually pretty decent, in real life…However, when you are given a voice, surely you should try your best to inspire…not hate.)

I might be sassy, or sarcastic at times…Yet, I do it with a cheeky, cocktail dripped humour…a raw warmth. I’m not a harsh person. I’m candy coated..Yet my candy tastes like prosecco. Lol. All i want to do is inspire others, by telling my story. 10 years of CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM this year!

AS IF!!!!

Go check him out…

Toby Olubi….

Image result for toby olubi

(Wait…my phones ringing… It’s an 020… number)

OH MY GOD!!! FINALLY!! I’VE JUST GOT THAT GOOD NEWS PHONE CALL!!!

EEEEeeeekkkkkk!!!!!

Dec 3rd…I’m back on the telly!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I Did Santa’s Grotto…

Image may contain: 1 person

Saturday was a magical. It was divine. I adore Christmas, it’s my favourite time of year. I want us all to pour a Bailey’s and get on with it now. Is it technically still Autumn, but I’m classing it as Winter now? It’s winter as soon as I put my Pretty Little Thing ‘Cheetah Bikini’ away in August. Either way, the earlier I can *whop* out a bit of merriment, a bit of tinsel and wrap it in a ‘warmth’ of happy beams,’ i’m happy.

I love it when things in life make people *beam.* It’s contagious, like the art of  the ‘we’ll just have ONE MORE drink,’ syndrome.

Beam’s make my entire world glow. I kinda need MORE of them. Lol.

(I hope The Gods are hearing me!!! I’ll even take ‘Two For One’ Bargain beams, please.)

Hang on one second. I just need to check someone’s Insta Story.  I heard a song on their story, early yesterday morning…Well…the lyrics to a song, which made me pause and ‘revisit.’ Y’know, it made me remember everything. I even Googled the words…just so I could get lost in the notion of romance for a second…

Yes, I’m that tragic. (Shush you, they’ll be writing memories on me when i’m frail, in an old people’s home with my 99 pet cat.)

Anyway…every Saturday is my big DAY with Ruby & Junior. I always give us something to look forward to. Excitement is important to me, so I plant it in their lives constantly. The excitement for Saturday, also makes Friday night’s magical. Plus, often on Sundays (or late Saturday night’s) for Junior, they  have to ‘tango’ off to their Fathers.

I felt bed for Junior, because had such a GREAT Saturday with me, that he begged me not to take him… (It’s always difficult. But for now, ‘until i’m big’ he says…It’s kinda how it is.)

I get along with Keiran, when it comes to the co parenting situation. We do it well. Yet, we just ‘parent’ so differently, because he’s hyper religious right now..I worry that it effects the babiest baby of Wunna Land. (But I would, wouldn’t I..)

Junior: ‘I’m going to nap…so when I get there i’m asleep.’

He tried. He couldn’t. He whispered…

‘I love you Mama. You’re the bestest Mama I ever had.’

It was 7pm, Saturday night. The streets were dark as I drove to do the ‘drop off.’ . My eyes filled up…but they were happy tears. It’s strange how when you care about a being so much, their gratification of your existence, simply means the world to you, doesn’t it? Lol.

He made me feel like the best Mother in the entire world. I’m certainly not. I’m doing it with ‘L’ Plates on. But if I was judged on unconditional love and fun, like most Mums….I’d pass with flying colours.

Ruby taught me strength, patience & purpose. Junior put the ‘cherry on top’ when it came to LOVING being a single mum.

I’m sure growing up in Wunna land is not that easy, but I KNOW it’s probably the most magical experience ever. Lol.

Anyway…

That’s not what I wanted to tell you about.

Saturday was a dream. The kids and I decided to ‘deck the halls’ and go see Santa’s to ignite our Christmas Spirit. He was arriving at Ackworth Garden Centre (which is known for having one of THE BEST Santa’s Grotto’s in all the land) and when you’re given free mulled wined and mince pies, on demand, upon launch day, it’s literally a parents dream! (We go to this Grotto every year…So it’s kind of a tradition.)

‘Tis the season, Baby!

I want elves with trays of free mulled wine to live in my HOUSE & roam freely ofcourse….until i’m parched.

We got there early for breakfast. We always do.  I mean that’s the great thing, because you can rock up to the Garden centre and have a coffee, speciality teas, breakfast, salad…You name it…They’ve got it. And the coffee shop is lovely! You’re surrounded by Christmas.

The kids were so excited they could’ve BURST. They were up at six o clock in the morning, harassing me and jumping on my bed, madly, because they couldn’t wait to see Santa.

Me: ‘It’s NOT YET! Lol. Santa’s not up yet!!! LEAVE ME ALONE. Haha.’

I laid there half naked, with no face on, rollers in my hair, trying to swallow swear words, in some kind of ‘what the *&*&*&$£”!!8* ‘ wake up, shock.

It was literally like an Asian Earthquake had erupted, in Boobie land. Lol.

Ruby had puked all night, yet seemed to make a recovery come ‘Santa’ time. 

(It’s the magic of Christmas.) 

I’m close to every one at the garden centre. I mean ‘Jenna’ one of my closest friends BUILT THE GROTTO! Can you even believe it! And she loved every single second of it! I certainly couldn’t build a Grotto, but I guess we all have our strengths! Lol. I once saw a pile of logs in my friend’s back garden at 11pm one night. I think we were in London? I tried to convince them to throw some fairy lights on the logs, get a Santa suit and start charging children to come visit.

Friend: ‘I’m sure we can get arrested for that, Chrissie.’

My children have literally grown up at the garden centre. They’ve watched Ruby & Junior tinker through the years and have gone out of their way to adore them always, even when they’re nuts. So, it couldn’t feel more wonderful to go celebrate Christmas and visit Harpin’s Grotto. J It’s my safe place. I have so memories great memories within those walls.

We’ve all shared secrets, had our hearts heal, our hearts break, laughed out loud, bitched, bickered, but most of all LOVED. I’ve made friends for life in that place, over the years.

Just before 2pm, Santa’s big arrival… Ruby, Junior and I went on a ‘Reindeer Hunt.’ I’m rubbish at games like this, because i don’t have the patience or the ability to look enthusiastic or to feel warm, during the outside bits. Haha. I hate the cold. Yet, weirdly, I went with it anyway…and yes, with a smile.

The Christmas Spirit is all around this year!

I hunted for reindeers around the store, inside and out. I loved it. (Even though the first reindeer I found was ‘Cupid’ and as you know, Cupid and I are not always mates. 😉 It’s a rough ‘reindeer hunt’ start!

‘Hey, just to remind you…no dude will ever truly love you…’

Yipppeeee!! Merry Christmas!

Anyway, out of nowhere, like some kind of whirl of a swizzle, I looked up for a second to screeches of joy, as giant Pikachu, Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol Chase appeared from nowhere, as gaggles of joyous kiddie winks, burst with joy…(I’d lost mine by this point, as Pikachu obviously trumps Mum.) And before you know it, Christmas had started…

Santa made a GRAND superstar horse and carriage entrance, outside the garden centre, to children, cameras, selfie mania, characters, mulled wined mums and mince pies.

At this point Ruby & Junior just froze.They froze when they see Santa, because they see him as a figure of authority (lol)…The guy who’s gonna decide what ‘list’ their on, and upon that list picking will hand out presents accordingly. Plus, even though they’re nuts, they’re the politest human beings when it comes to respecting their elders etc…(School taught them another level of class, as let’s face it Wunna Land certainly didn’t. Haha)

It was jolly! It was mesmerizing.

It was exactly, where I wanted to spend my afternoon. I wouldn’t have wanted to be any where else int he world, but there, at that precise moment. My world was complete.I loved watching their hearts flutter….

Then like lighting, they zoomed to the Grotto entrance, to try and shimmie in first…(They went in second lol) and forget the kids, OH MY GOSH, I WAS IN ABSOLUTE AWE, of how amazing the Grotto was!!

It’s always good at the Garden Centre..But this year IT IS UNREAL.

It wasn’t the usual, every Christmas day, shopping centre, give up the ‘be grudging’ pences, walk behind a curtain, get a gift and leave in 3 minutes, after a piccie, kind of thing.

It was…well IS… AND ADVENTURE.

If I could describe the moment as anything…I’d say it was discovering Narnia, at the back of your wardrobe…Yet, instead of lions and witches, you found workshops and happy penguins….I was lost in the magic of the North Pole. That’s where you get your ticket to…and the FIRST THING you can do, (if you wish) is sit and write Santa a letter, IN a mini elves workshop, that you POST.

ALL LETTERS POSTED, GET AN ACTUAL REPLY FROM SANTA!!!!

(That’s even BEFORE, you enter the red garden gates, which is guarded by an elf…as the beginning of the Grotto adventure, lies right before your very eyes.)

You follow a red painted trail, through the snowy North Pole, where you are surrounded by ice skating polar bears, snow balling penguins, the Polar Express train, fairy light cabins…It’s like an never ending adventure. Ruby and Junior discovered a magical moment, with every step they took. They couldn’t have been more stimulated. They couldn’t have been more excited to see Santa.

When we got to his cabin…an Elf stopped us…I didn’t realise, because I was still enthralled with my North Pole journey.

Me: ‘Oh! Sorry! Lol. Have they run in?’

Then as I entered the cabin, to my left was Santa, in a white glowing light…and to my right wasa workshop, sky HIGH with GIFTS!

(I left the kids to secret Christmas whispers with the most nurturing Santa, I had ever seen, as I selfied. 😉 )

He even remembered them from being tiny. My little heart melted. I remember just looking at them and thinking, ‘this is what life is about….’

(Then I thought, ‘shit, I better Insta Story it.’ 😉 )

Now, because it was the launch, both children received TWO GIANT GIFTS FROM SANTA EACH!

If you go to the Ackworth Garden Centre Grotto, you know that the gifts they give out are THE MOST SUPERIOR gifts, in all Grotto history. For the last 7 years, i’ve been to EVERY GROTTO, in all the land…and i’m kinda always disappointed with the gifts that the kids have received (lol) FROM other GROTTOS. (Mainly because you kinda pay a lot for your children to visit Santa, no matter what Grotto, you venture to. So you kinda want the experience and the gift, to be worth it!)

The wonderful thing about the Garden Centre, is that it is FAMILY RUN, business…Not a corporate ‘money hungry/get them in and out’ shindig. Simon and Fiona (who own the garden centre) have children who were once tiny…and did the whole Grotto thing…So THEY know, as parents…and by watching their own children grow….They know what everyone wants!)

For my children, I always lust after ‘the experience’ of it all. I’m a service girl, aren’t I! Nothing is classier, than this Grotto. I could LIVE IN IT! Haha.

Everything from beginning to end, was remarkable.

Junior’s TWO current favourite toys, are ‘Tractors’ and Dustbin Lorries.(He opened his huge boxes…Inside he found a ‘Tractor’ in one…and a ‘Dustbin Lorry’ in the other.

Ruby’s artsy….and she received a beautiful ‘string art’ maker and the cutest vanity treasure chest box, which came with various stationary.

The gifts were crazy. You’d pay so much for them in stores. I was shocked!

Our hearts were filled with joy. Our lives were filled with Christmas. I even had to go thank the owners and Jenna afterward because it was done so incredibly well…that I couldn’t wait to tell everyone about it!!!

Ruby and Junior can’t wait to go again. I asked them both to describe the Grotto for you, because let’s face it, that’s why we do it….

Ruby said, ‘It was magical. It was gorgeous. It felt precious. Can you get Jenna to build one in our house?’

Junior said, ‘It was filled with happiness!!!! Santa knew my NAME!! 😉 I got the dustbin lorry that I saw at Toy town!! ‘

So Mums, Dad’s and everyone in between…between your mulled wined sips this Crimbo….Please DO take  a moment, to visit Harpin’s Grotto, at Ackworth Garden Centre.

It’s your ticket to the North Pole!

 

Image may contain: 1 person

 

 

 

 

 

FRINALLY, BOO!

Happy Friday Feeling EVERYONE! You made it, you delicious treats of ‘ooh laa.’  I hope you can feel the excitement jiggling and I hope you embrace every inch of your own kinda weekend bliss!

You deserve it. We all do.

I LOVE FRIDAYS!

(It just always seems like an achievement. Y’Know one where you can either stick on ya nipple tassles or pull on a jumper, in celebration…Yet still know everything is going to be okay. Well, for the next couple days anyhow. Lol)

FIRSTLY…

Thank you for taking a moment, to click and find yourself here.

It means the world to me. You’re sexy and have excellent taste in bloggers.

Hurrah! Porn star martini’s for everyone!

No matter what you’re doing, whether you’re planning your outfit for a weekend of debauchery, running around after kids, pouring 40 wines, keeping your fingers crossed that ‘date night’ goes ahead, working, or working ‘it,’ crying into a gin, swearing because your friends have let you down, or simply taking advantage of a big old chill, where doing nothing at all, is your comfort…..

KNOW that tonight, you have The Wunna land ‘magic’ by your side and I wish you ALL the best, you kittens.

(Don’t get into trouble though, because knowing my luck, i’ve sprinkled you with the ‘take it too far,’  fun bug. I always intend for calm, but get myself into some kind of accidental predicament and live a morning of ‘post cocktail’ regret. Once I took my friend out in LA, and sold him for chewing gum. Then I got a call from my other friend, you id managed to lose, who woke up having accidentally changed his sexual preference, for the night. 🙂 )

OOPSIE!

‘Post Cocktail’ regret is always the worst kind of regret. Drink steady. Live large.

Oh fuck it. Do whatever. I’m starting to sound like Mother Mary. I’m sending MYSELF to sleep.

Okay, so i’m a bit bored and i’m on the hunt for excitement. This is always dangerous for me. But i’m having to ‘wait’ on something, which will cause excitement and to be far, i’ve been pretty patient, to say i’m not at all, a very patient person at all.

I get bored VERY easily.

I had a guy (well friend of mine) moan because I’m apparently ‘the sexiest woman he’s ever seen,’ yet he couldn’t even think of dating me because i live too far away. (I’m an hour’s train journey away. Lol Which to me, isn’t that far?) 

So already, if a guy is concerned over a small journey, then the chemistry, or pull isn’t strong enough for him…which is a sexy lil’ shame because he hot. ( I know people who lived in different flipping countries, who dated…and two of them are now married.)

Chemistry always overrides distance, if it’s real, right? 

But that’s that story. It feels like ages ago now. 

Then I stalked ‘Runnings’ on Instagram, who i’d been following anyway…because I adored his story.  I’d watched him have a ‘happy’ moment on tv one night and it made me smile. I openly told everyone that I woke up at 3am and decided to stalk profiles. His was the best kinda stalk. Lol

Being me, I tagged him in it, so he knew!

Anyway, he ‘thanked me‘ (because he’s kind) and when I went in with comedy and sass, he replied with laughter and a…

‘My only questions is why it took you so long to Instastalk? I did my stalking ages ago!’ 

SMOOTH! I like it!

So we’ve had brief banter and he’s concerned that he may smell like brocolli, yet quickly assured me he was made of chocolate?

I like both, so either way’s a win for me. Haha. 

He’s meeting me in Vegas at six o clock in the morning, one time, at the chapel for the wedding…which will be our first date.

I’m good at weddings in Vegas (lol,) so i’m sure i’ll smash it.

Then he said..

‘Well, we’ll see if our stars align and we bump into one another…’

Is that romantic, or a blow off? Haha. I’m so out the loop, I can’t tell?

But he followed it up with asking my permission to ‘physically pick me up, if our stars do align.’

He’s built like some kind of GOD. So hey, why not give the lil’ Asian a ‘lift up.’ 

I’d be like an angry, sarcastic chihuahua. He’ll love having a pet.

(Oh,shit! That sounds rude!  can make anything sounds naughty!) 

Yesterday morning, I managed to catch up with a friend of mine ‘Sailor B.’ It felt like I hadn’t seen him in ages, so it was really really good, to see him, walk passed a window, spot me and beam.

I like making people happy. 

We chatted over morning wine and caught up…and the thing I like about ‘Sailor B’ is that he’s so easy to get on with. We’ve become good friend. He’s hard, but he’s soft all at the same time. Lost and found. Just a little bit of everything really… He’s honest…WELL…with me, he’s honest.

It was good morning….

But I just had a niggly feeling in the back of my mind, that something wasn’t okay…?

Something wasn’t sitting well with me?

Anyway,

We said ‘bye’ before lunch time., so we could get on with life…This was after we chatted to my chick bestie ‘Firmonnell,’ (who has used her Friday to pour wine on shit.)

YET…I STILL HAVE that ‘niggly’ feeling with me. I still have it now?

I wonder why??

But anyway…

Whatever, you get up too…

Just have the most wonderful weekend.

I love you,

Chrissie, x