Grandma’s, Dick Pics & Birthdays

Image may contain: 1 person, closeup

Life is great right now. Everything seems to be slotting itself into the right place 😉 and even though i’m wishing for even MORE amazing times to come, i’m not feeling foolish enough to forget that right now, I’ve got it pretty good.

Yesterday, I got you all to ask me questions on ‘sex,’ on my Insta Story and you excelled yourselves. My story hadn’t been viewed as much in donkies years. Lol. But yes, sex is a big part of my 37 year old world, so I really loved answering your questions, simply because I think it still has a bit gummy ‘TABOO’ label, slapped upon it, when it comes to openly chitter chatter.

I’m a cocktailing Glamour Puss. If I know about anything, I know about ‘whisky sour’ dripped sexy time. 

(All was going well, until some sexual therapist woman, decided to hate on me.)

There’s plenty of room for everyone, so don’t try and elbow me out the way. I hate giving direct advice, because I don’t agree with telling other humans HOW to live. All I do is share and I do it by telling MY OWN story and letting people ‘take’ or ‘leave’ anything they want from what the hear.

Anything inspiring comes from MY OWN life experience and emotion and not from from a dusty old ‘Refer to Paragraph A’ textbook.

That’s a polite and glamourous way of saying…

FUCK OFF. 🙂

I’ve loved Halloween, but i’m glad it’s over. I might even light a few sparklers and get Bonfire night out the way, simply to hurry it up to my favourite time of year….

CHRISTMAS.

I’m a December born baby. I have a birthday on the 19th and this year is extra special because i celebrate..

10 years of CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM 

I actually hit 10 whole years, earlier in the year. I think March?  But I didn’t want to celebrate being ace, in March. 😉  Instead, I wanted to give myself a big old ‘pat’ on the tequila back ON my ACTUAL birthday…so i’m gunna!

Wiggle.Wink. Hip Bump.

I was gonna throw a big old party, but I decided not to…Instead I’m gonna do it my own way..and you’ll find that out shortly. 😉

Strap in, Dollies.

(Wait, I feel like I need another 11.38am wine. Except it’s now 12.40, so I’m all cool and appropriate.)

It’s lil’ Sam Reece’s birthday today. He’s turned twenty six and it’s great. I’ve loved our paths crossing this year & our hungover Sunday morning snapchat banters.

He’s certainly the sexiest twenty six year old my eyes have ever seen, so I felt the need to post this pic everywhere. 😉 It’s a beautiful piece of art.

Ladies of the world, you can ‘thank’ me later.

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing

Image may contain: 2 people

(Oh God. I’m sat in at The Mallard in Doncaster blogging. I always choose the quiet ‘away from absolutely everyone’ corner, but it’s got really busy. A grandma, is out with her grandson and is looking at me every three seconds. She’s doing that thing where her Grandson says or does something impressive, & wants me to acknowledge it also. Hahah. I feel under pressure to perform. Lol) 

This is not what I signed up for. Haha.

Now dudes are hounding my Facebook messenger and sending me photos of their genitalia. I don’t mind a dick pic AT ALL, if I know, and fancy the guy. I think it’s hot. It’s sexy.

Yet, I don’t like dick pics from strangers, at all. It’s just not sexy and not because i feel disrespected. Just because I’m not sexually excited by anyone, until they’ve managed to mentally stimulate me.

Flirt with my mind. Get in my pants. Simples. Haha.

Grandma’s. Dick pics. AND I have a tractor in my hand bag. I just can’t cope. Lol.

WHAT IS MY LIFE!!

Chick friend: ‘Can you not eat a chicken wing, like you’re giving it head please. It’s a family pub.’ 

Me: ‘And don’t I fucking know it! Hahaha.’ 

Right, I’m answering your questions on love & dating today. I’m moderately distracted because there is MADNESS going on around me. Lol.

I keep lifting my phone in the air and pouting to film by answers for you. People keep looking at me, like i’m strange.

I’ll give’em that.

HOWEVER, I do actually think that THESE DAYS, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to selfie take or film for your instagram in public. You’re almost behind the times, if you don’t believe that and frown upon those who do?

Anyway…

Head to my Insta Story and ask me a question on love, dating and relationships. ( @chrissiewunna.)

Thank you for following my life,

Chrissie x

Image may contain: 1 person, closeup

Danger Walks In Glitter Heels…

Image may contain: 1 person

This time yesterday morning I found myself driving to meet someone, that I technically shouldn’t have been meeting, but sometimes life, just guides you down a path, where possible flames, fire & fun, are there for the taking.

Good times, this way!

These days, when it comes to life, i’m a ‘play it safe,‘ but MY WAY, kinda gal. I’m concentrating on work and family. But as we know, my version of safe is never EVER ‘Vanilla.’ Like ‘The Gent’ that I went on the Manchester Airport date with, a month ago…had said….

‘You’re a dangerous girl. Guys love a dangerous girl.’

I guess, the glint in my little Asian eyes, will always give that away.

The real truth is, that I’m not very ‘dangerous’ at all. I’m actually just a bit foolish. Haha. I’m made up of so many ‘bits & pieces,’ that it would take a real genius, or the most patient male in the Universe, to actually begin to KNOW, how to figure me out.

(I met a guy whilst waiting at the bar yesterday, who was Autistic. He made me beam, because he was so smart, so quick and I could see his mind working, as it turned. He told me I was ‘beautiful‘ and I appreciated the love, because it was so real, raw and delivered with a bold quirkiness.)

Anyway, back to the story….

I’d been up working since five o clock in the morning. I did a shoot, around six o clock. A school run occurred in between. Yet, by 10am, my shoot was done.

I got in my car and I drove to meet a friend.

Best morning ever really. So much fun. I guess life just fancied a *TWIST* and that’s how I found myself sat there, smiling. A ‘Twist’ is good, because you always learn something from it. And through MY life…I’ve learnt A LOT. I see a ‘twist’ coming for me, before it even begins to tighten.

Some call it SKILLZ. 😉

I’ve known this person a while, but I’ve never got to hang out with them really. So it was great to just chatter, in a corner…away from drama, or stress. I need those moments. I’m needing them more and more.

It’s weird because it’s like my little Wunna boat has caught a decent wind now and gosh, we’re beginning to sail…

GLITTER SHOWERS EVERYWHERE.

‘I can’t stop looking at you.’

‘Aww! So sweet! Haha. What are you even looking at?’

‘You should probably do that top button up.’

‘I like it undone.’ 

‘Ah! You wore a skirt.’ 

‘Yeah. It’s warmer than I thought today, so I figured i’d give you that! Haha.’

‘You look ******* stunning…’

‘I look scrubbly. I’ve been on a shoot all morning.’ 

Banter, wine and chitter chatter. Sometimes, that’s all you need. It keeps your sane. It’s keeps you fresh. It keeps you excited about life, doesn’t it? And when you’re excited, you feel like you can conquer the world, in a day!

Sometimes, you can. Sometimes, you can’t. All that matters is how you FEEEEL.

(I’m finding it so hard to write this blog right now, because I’m in the warmest room ever, with a Mulled Wine headache. I guzzled mulled wine, like I was a bouji pirate last night, at Ackworth Garden Centre, by baubles. It was their Big Christmas reveal, yesterday evening. I had the most beautiful time. It was literally magical. Christmas is my favourite time of year. I’m a December born baby, incase you didn’t know.)

Anyway, he was sweet, humble and sexy. It was good to just sit and chatter, without a care in the world. Plus, he’s going to be working alongside Wunna Land soon, so it’s good for him to get to know me better, without any ‘censors.’ 🙂

‘It’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be hard. But i’ll do it.’

He kept starting a sentence, pausing…not saying anything at all, as his mind looked like it was racing….and then finishing his sentence, with a simple ‘yeah.’

‘You didn’t say anything…’

‘I do that a lot..’

Haha. And you lot think i’m crackers!!

Then as the clock struck 1pm, he walked me to my car and we just got on with our own little versions of life…

If I could describe the walk,i’d say it was..

DANGEROUS.

It was a ‘Danger Walk.’ 

(But I least I did it in gold glitter kitten heels.) 

The rest of the time I spent with Ruby and Junior, before we headed to Ackworth Garden Centre, to shimmie in Christmas. The kids love it there. They’ve literally grown up, in that Garden Centre. Lol. But last night was beautiful. It was filled with happiness. It was filled with famillies, close friends and great memories.

Image may contain: 1 person, christmas tree and indoor

I love family. It’s so important to me. Ruby & Junior are so important to me. We’re this little threesome and we’ve been through such a tough time and there are moments, like with all families, where in which, we still do.

Yet 90 percent of the time, we’re WONDERFUL!

I have much more balance right now and hopefully (with everything crossed) something tells me, that we have the most magical future ahead of us.

I’m just leaving life to fate…and well…writing my diary as I go along.

ps/ I don’t think being 37 and Single is gonna be too difficult after all.? Haha. Right now, guys seem to be offering themselves over to Wunna Land, with a hop, skip and a…willy.(I’m keeping myself out of trouble though.) 

Image may contain: 1 person

 

 

 

 

 

 

Birthdays, Chill Mode & Manchester on Monday

I think i’ve just let my body embrace ‘chill mode’ and this isn’t any normal kind of ‘chill mode,’ this is the ultimate, soft landing, let your world sink into deep relaxtion, as a release mode.

I feel like i’ve just jollied in from the LONGEST work week ever. I can feel it all in my back, all tense. All knotty. It was just one of those work weeks that just kept going and going, with early mornings, late nights…and not even nearly enough wine.

When my body is still ‘running’ it does the job and gets on with it. YET, there was just a moment, on Friday night, where in which I tip toed away from the bustle. (I’ve worked A LOT over the last week, but i’ve felt it? Friday was also Ruby’s birthday…She’s now SIX :)..so even at home, it’s been ‘go, go, go.’ People, plans, giddiness, all sorts.) But yes, I looked around me, at the bustle and I snook away for a second, to have a chill, just a little old lay on my good old bed. (Total Granny. 🙂 ) And as my utterly glamourous head, hit that extra soft, feathery pillow, almost as if it had happened in slow motion, my ENTIRE SOUL felt a strong *clench* relax and slooooowly release me from a lofty height of tense stress. It was BLISS. From that moment on, I was in a euphoric state of kitty chill and I think you just need those moments to recoup. It’s the balance. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about relaxing. If you work hard, you deserve it.

I have Ruby’s birthday weekend to delight in for the rest of the weekend…and to be fair the babies have been wonderful. Their little faces are lit with glee. Ruby’s so happy to be six and Junior’s so happy to skank extra pressies, because it’s his sisters birthday and he’s the baby, so we can’t leave him out. Lol.

All sorts happened last week. ‘Fairytale Blond’ and I pissed ourselves laughing, as we ventured out to what I’d call ‘foreign lands,’ lands that I had never been a part of before to collect awards. TWO AWARDS. Lol. We won the lot! Yet, we had to ‘copper up’ to afford to buy booze, because they didn’t accept card and we didn’t have any cash on us. Well, we spent the cash on being charitable, which although lovely, and Little Miss Fairytale won Daffodil biscuits :)…kinda annoying when it comes to feeding my alcoholism. ‘Lady Shizzle’ who went with us, (I did vino with her, the red sort, before the event,) had to leave us to it, to journey home and dumped a handful of 20 pence pieces in my hand, which i was tremendously grateful for, as I could then afford a Sol. Lol. ‘Fairytale Blond’ got a CUPPA TEA at the pub before and then a JUICE Lol…at the event thing. I was filled up with wine, probably up to my little squinty kitten eye balls.

The rest of my chick friends, are all on ‘time of the month‘ vibes, so everything is all a little stressy or a littler tender. It’s delightful. It’s all hair extensions, blond bits and grumpy faces, with stress.

We’re all eating out of that FILTH DRAWER like desperate chimpanzees on the look out for….(Lol…sorry, just giggling at the time Firmonnell kept carrying around this banana with her, like her utter LIFE depended on it, like it was her weird BEST FRIEND. HAHAHA!)

‘Why do I constantly have this fucking banana in my hand?’

‘What’s that on my desk?’

‘Firmonnell’s banana!’

I am eating like a fat Oriental pig. It’s disgusting. I mean, you KNOW you’re not in Hollywood anymore, when you’ve gone out of your way to HIDE a fucking BACON SANDWICH from Greggs, in a drawer, that you can easily access, with one, left hand swing, if you fancied a bite. I’m not even left handed, so it’s my emergency arm.

I DID that!! That is what I have become! Waist trainer? I’ve probably eaten it, with a side of pork dumplings? 🙂

And there’s me thinking, ‘Ooh, I have a bunch of events and shoots that start in March, so I’ll get in shape, eat well and get skinny for them…’

Oh yeah, totally smashed that goal…

I mean I head to Manchester in Monday to go have a cheeky peeky behind the Social Chain walls. I snapchatted Steve…Steven Bartlett and asked if i could go…and he agreed. So I get to meet him to! Couldn’t be more excited for Monday! Can’t wait to meet everyone. Can’t wait to blog about it all….BUT I’M GONNA BE THE CHUBBY VERSION OF MYSELF. GREAT! I’m mean to be some crown wearing glamour puss for crying out loud!

I bet they don’t hide bacon sandwiches in drawers! No! They’re decent human beings….all creative and hard working….all….

I hope they have cocktails?

The funny thing about all this, is that when I made my Gino’s appearance, remember that blog….at the end of last year….I had made a bet at the Prosecco bar with House of Solo Magazine owner Abeiku Arthur….I had started watching Steve’s Vlogs every night and getting into them and then began Tweeting about how much I loved them. ‘House of Solo’ Abeiku Arthur then decided to Tweet Steve…and I correctly predicted that he wouldn’t get a reply, yet Steve would ‘like/favourite’ my Tweet.

What I didn’t tell you, was that I also predicted that I would be IN THAT OFFICE in a couple months. 🙂 Lol. AND *BOOM*….Monday, I check in!

Like, I said, I’m really excited. I can’t wait to tell you about my time there…I go on Monday and I even kept my Diary completely empty for Tuesday, whilst I’m still in Manchester, so that I can blog it all accurately…when it’s fresh….

Facebook Msg: (PE teacher from Malta) ‘Heeyyyyyyyyyyy, not out living the high life this evening? *Add kissy face emoji’s here.*

Whatsapp Msg: (London Business Man)

‘Your obviously too in demand these days x

It’s so bizarre, because both of those guys are from my ‘last year’ and they both decided against pairing up with  ‘Wunna land…’ I hadn’t spoken to them….Just got on with doing life….It all *zoomed* into the beginning of ‘dreams come true’ and then just like that, they’re back *tapping* on my Cyberland door. Both lovely humans. I wouldn’t date either of them. But they make good friends. Men must like women when they are headed to success? Well no…it either makes me more attractive to some OR makes other guys just feel defeated, like there would be no point in trying I’d never go for it….

But right now….I’ve got to go back and tend to organizing the rest of Ruby’s birthday weekend…

Love you all!

Chrissie

 

 

.

 

A Cake With My Face On!

ac70So, I was feeling a little tender, gently eased the door closed and dashed (went slowly) to Greggs for coffee as requested by ‘The Mighty!’ I just figured I must have looked as rough as I felt and with one deep look, she was certain the coffee needed to run through my glittery ‘hungover’ system!

Stood in the queue. It seemed to take forever, like the end of a conga line that wasn’t any fun anymore. I finally got my little tinsel tits to the front of the Greggs queue and *POP,* almost with an enthusiasm that would suggest a confetti shower was about to take place, I was greeted with the most excited, the most loving and lively show of,

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! The birthday fairies have bought you your coffee this morning!!!’

‘What!!?? Who?’ I suddenly woke up!! It’s like a rush of excitement had burst into my bubble of *rough.*

‘Honestly! They’ve bought your coffee for you!’

I was so happy, I literally screeched out loud, jumped up and down so much that I broke a fucking nail, grabbed my coffee, after stirring in 42 sugars and dashed (but this time went fast) back to the office!

You see, with me it’s the small touches, that make my heart melt. I mean, how thoughtful! It literally radiated my sorry ass, kitten soul with this buzz of utter love!

I burst through the door with the bounce of fun and gratefulness with,

‘Oh my GOD! Thank you! Thank you’S!’

And from that point onward, the day…even though I was hollering life and work on TWO HOURS sleep (but at least I got there, at least I worked it all) was THE BEST Birthday work day I could’ve ever had and simply because I surrounded by the most thoughtful humans in all of the land. I couldn’t ever wish to work with better souls, who literally went out of the way just to keep my birthday going and to show me that they cared…and they didn’t have to! I pretty much spend 350 of my 365 days with these girls, so even though we’re a team of hard working ‘business’ chicks, there is so much love between us, that is decorated with banter, laughter and sass! It’s great!

I mean the coffee to me was lovely enough, as I felt like I needed to be ‘babied,’ but we all also went on a big lunch together to celebrate birthday times and our hard work over the year. Got back and I saw ‘Hot Sarah’ and ‘The Mighty’ fiddling around my desk. We don’t like people fiddling with our desks! Lol.

They spotted me from the glass window on the door and I’m now pulling an angry ‘what are you doing at my desk’ face…But then I looked harder and I could see Flowers! FLOWERS! Yes! The most beautiful giant bouquet of orange and yellow blooms with a giant ‘Happy Birthday’ balloon suspended in the air from  them! Awwww!

I actually could not believe my eyes!!!!

My face changed from ‘scowl’ to a happy, opened mouthed, still in the window, *shocked* face, as I darted through the door, screaming with a mad excitement and towards my desk!!!

And that wasn’t all!

GET to my desk and it is COVERED in giant purple, ‘BIRTHDAY PRINCESS’ banners, literally ALL over, like a celebratory madness of fun! My huge flowers are at my desk! There’s a massive ‘Birthday Girl’ badge for me to wear, the most glamourous, shiny gold bottle of Prosecco stood at computer, a  3 pack of Desperados, which if you didn’t know is one of my favourite ‘chill out’ drinks lol, a card that had been signed by every single one of them and to top it ALL OFF, AN ACTUAL BIRTHDAY CAKE, with Mini Wunna’s on it! Yes! A cake with my face on!!! It had my fucking FACE ON IT! As if they went to that much trouble!!! It was just so perfect! It was just so ME and ALL my favourite girly things in one!!! I literally couldn’t contain myself! There was screeches and this constant smiley face that beamed from my little kitty soul! 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

I will never ever forget how thoughtful they all were. It made my entire year because you can go out and party and do all the fancy shindigs, but nothing is better than those real life moments, where you’re surrounded by just GREAT people, awesome humans, who you love, respect, who know you better than anyone and who you work alongside, every day, to achieve some kind of great future together!!!

The cake was lit with candles and huge glamourous fountain sparklers were bursting from either side and as I looked around me, as they all laughed and sang ‘Happy Birtgday’ at me, I felt like the single most happiest girl in the entire world.

(Thank you so much!!)

I couldn’t possibly explain to you how wonderful I felt, as the energy of it all was just overwhelming.

But how lucky am I to have turned 36 with such joy! My friends, my family, the fun! Even all the messages and posts you all left me on my profiles! I’ll  flashback to it one day and do a little happy cry! As everyone has made turning 36 so Wunnaful!!!

Here are two pics of My office treats!! It completely made my birthday week an absolute gem!!  image image

I slept well that night!!!

Roll on the new year! Happy being 36 to meeee!!!

However, no rest for the wicked as BOOM tonight I’m at The Official Ms. Swimwear UK Xmas Party, to blog all about it. It’s a celeb packed event. I can’t wait to tell you all about it and we’ll I don’t have to titter very far, as the big flashy ‘doo daa’ is happening at Oracle Bar, Leeds!

Right in my doorstep!!

See you there! (I’ll be Tweeting and Facebooking as soon as I get there this evening! ‘ )

Life has completely changed for me and I’m in the UP! I’m actually starting to feel like the real life Carrie Bradshaw now! Lol. Yet, we all know I’m a little more ‘Samantha!’ 😉

Thank you so much for everything!!!

Something tells me I’m going to have a really great 2017! I can feel it in my glittery bones!! 🙌🏽

 

 

 

 

My Birthday Shimmie To Manchester

DSC_01121-300x201

Woke up on December 20th at 6.08am, completely naked, on top of the sheets, half my face on and my GIANT, glammy hair piece still ON MY HEAD in full glory, like it was some kinda of BIRTHDAY crown. I was in Room 825 (really nice room) of the Macdonald Manchester Hotel and Spa. I had just turned THIRTY SIX the day before and I chose to do it with good friends Big Brother Star Lisa Appleton and Celebrity Blogger, Ryan Mira, in Manchester. I had a train to catch, that would get me back to Leeds, well Pontefract at 6.57am. I had work at 8.45am and had to get there on time. I did it! But Lord knows how???  Infact, i will ALWAYS MAKE WORK, no matter how! My tummy felt like i hadn’t eaten in ages, so i did a mini (and somewhat glamourous puke) on the hotel bed (so sorry)…and then just like that, got up, got ready, got to Piccadilly train station and got on my flipping train….COMPLETELY ON TIME! In my mind, if you’re gonna *juggle* things, than you better *juggle* them well, without letting anyone down and most importantly … yourself. I smashed it! *Wiggle…Wink.*

But let’s rewind to the day before…

I had spent the entire day with my babies Ruby and Junior, doing lunch with my family…My Mum, Dad &Brother at Ego, In Ackworth. We had so much fun, that time flew and before you know it, I was rushing home to pack a bag, in a panic and getting dashed off and dropped at Barnsely train station (as it was the only station to get me to Manchester on time) in literally moments.

Boom! On a train. The 17.00 to Manchester, a bit flustered, excited for my birthday evening, ready to check into the hotel and then rush into a taxi, to go meet Lisa and Ryan at Menagerie for my birthday.

Once I hit Manchester, I had about 20 minutes to get ready and be at the joint. (I was there early. 😉  The trainee hotel ‘check in’ girl laughed as I dashed past her with a ‘She’s just checked in, in jeans and a jumper and in about a minute, she’s ready and shooting out the door dressed like Pussycat Doll.’

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor

I’ll fast forward, so i don’t bore you.

But i got to Menagerie, Lisa and Ryan arrived 10 minutes after me. I had called them to see how far they were, then..

*Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/* …

…as photographers basically took our picture, as we tottered into the new place. It was quiet because it was Monday. But it was my birthday and all three of us are of a drunky, fun, nature, so we didn’t even care! Within seconds we had the most delicious Pornstar Martini’s in our hands and we’re chatting away about, life, career, love, what we hoped and where we hoped, in the most glamourous location every. We even had a Kardashian conversation, which led to Ryan teaching me what a dirty ‘Jimmy Choo’ was. Lol.

‘I’m gonna call it that ALL the time now!’ Lol.

‘But she did Chrissie. She *Jimmy Chooed* him ans leaked it everywhere!’

Menagerie is utterly creative, decadent, modern, with an almost sexy twist of burlesque. It’s very current. But there’s lots going on…like champagne poured from chandeliers, dancers dangling and spinning in hoops above your table, cocktails that you share in giant swans for £100 or single drinks with fake £20 notes, burning from them. It’s very clever. Everything is presented well. Everything’s very bouji and unique. Everything in that place is ‘rich,’…and it costs.

Image may contain: 1 person, sitting and indoor

Anyway, we a needed air, we needed a moment. We’d laughed, gossiped, they gave me a bath bomb (that i’ve lost!! I think i left it in a bar on Canal Street??) Ryan’s shot outside already and Lisa and I are stood at the entrance Menagerie.

Couldn’t open the door for shit! It was LOCKED. Like it really was. We couldn’t move it, we were stuck and we’re sort of just looking around, trapped in this little entrance way, puzzled and laughing. Then Lisa decides to ‘hit’ a button on the side, next to the door. Y’know how some places have a ‘Press to Exit’ button, to make the door slowly ease open.

SHE HITS THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM. Hahahaha!

It’s my birthday, we’re still trapped in the entrance way, an alarm is now going off, we’re pissing ourselves laughing, the manager on duty looked all fed up with us, so we stopped laughing, so he didn’t get more annoyed. He began opening up a large doorway box and pressing all the buttons in all the land, to stop the alarm…and then this host girl walks up to the door… and just opens it. Lol. SO we weren’t even stuck. 🙂 Oops!

We were glad to get outside though, especially after Pornstar Martini’s  and were determined to enjoy my birthday night, as we swung around trees, piggy backed each other, kissed giant Polar Bears, seductively chatted up bollards and measured boobie sizes. Ryan got really into it also…As Lisa and I literally danced around a car park, HE found a ‘Santa Stop Here’ sign, started pretend hitting Lisa with it, but then dashed behind her and unzipped the back of her PVC skirt…. (In that moment, out of nowhere *Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/*)

Anyway, we decide to go back inside for food and more cocktails. Ryan’s now flirting with an Australian Waiter, with a Doctor Boyfriend, we’re telling everyone to come out with us and following them on Twitter (you always do that when you’re pissed don’t you. Lol.) I hadn’t eaten all evening, so i was feeling MERRY, looking great, sprinkled in ‘SEXY’ and then Lisa and I started talking about love, our lives, how we’re both single, good friends and then our careers. (I always say that I have it easy, as my life is an open book, you just have to Google it, open up a blog and read on…What you read is what I am…It’s my life…and you get a good grasp of who I am from it. There’s less guessing.)

And you know, away from what people THINK they may know of Lisa, if you were to know her and meet her in the flesh, she’s literally beautiful, the funniest, most genuine, down to earth, chick you’ll ever meet. But she’s ambitious and hard working. Yes, she’s an entertainer…as am I. Yet she’s been through her fair share of hard times…and you know what, after speaking to her so closely sat down with cocktails, in the middle of mood lighting and Menagerie…She deserves her moment. We gossiped about everything frankly. All the secrets in all the land.  She wants to do well…and is.

Then I had to tell her off with an..

‘EWW NO! YOU CAN’T FANCY HAIRY MEN! I HATE THAT! IT’S GROSS!’ (This was after the waiter was referred to as ‘Pretty.’)

Now, i don’t mind a GQ gent. A pretty one. Or one that has his own creative take on style. I love it. My favourite type of guy, is a guy with a great mind, intelligent, funny, fun, thoughtful, sexy and ambitious. I don’t focus on looks a much as people may think. I love eye candy, don’t get me wrong, but i’m mostly mentally and emotionally stimulated. But ofcourse, I love to feel attracted to a guy. YET Lisa loves a ‘mans, mans.’ A big rugged, muscle bound hero. Hairy even!!! Lol. I DON’T LIKE HAIRY. And i know you can’t help it. But i can’t help being a tool also, so there. 🙂

So we’re pissing ourselves laughing with Ryan, as we’re sat in a GIANT GLAMOUROUS BIRDCAGE, that has feathers entwined in it and pretend birds flying out of it, opposite a wall that has a giant electronic ‘Selfie Magic Mirror’ and a pink neon sign that says something like ‘Trade your wings in for mine.’ We’re eating olives and sipping ‘Pornstars’ and Lisa and I are actually having a conversation about porn and how it’s ruined some peoples sex lives.

Now i’m vocal in the bedroom, i’m a senusual person and well i’m not screamy, but a ‘show man’ Lol. However, Lisa says we (as in girls) get the best orgasms when we’re quiet and stay really still… and she’s right. I mean porn has made boys and men think that girls ‘get off’ by doing slutty ‘ooh’ faces at them and voicing champion ‘screeches.’ Lol. We don’t. 🙂

Wait, I’m getting distracted. 😉

We’re in Menagerie, the mood lighting is all pink, purple and dark, with bright white furniture in our booth and we’re now pissed and celebrating my birthday.

Ryan’s now thinking about Canal street, after flirting with the hot waiter. Lisa’s determined to get on with my birthday celebrations and i’m ‘Pornstar Martini’ delighted. Don’t get me wrong, things were beautiful in Menagerie, but when you’re sat in one place for ages, and you’re ‘firecrackers’ like the three of us are…it can kinda make a place feel ‘flat.’ So i simply turned my little kitten head to them, whilst sat in a bloody feathered birdcage (lol) and said,

‘Let’s fuck it off and go to canal street.’  (I am the Queen)

There was glint in our eye, laughter and we left.

As we left…and we’re NOW DRUNKIES.

*Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap/Pap*

Yet, we’re loving it now, playing up to it, picking each other up, posing, pouting, swearing, dancing. We didn’t even care! We were on birthday mode, doing Manchester, boobies under the stars and GOING FOR IT! If i’m turning thirty six, i’m lucky to be well, alive and still be able to love life!

It was like we almost *blinked* and BOOM, we were on the cobbles of Canal street…and this is when the fun happened!

Straight away, dancing under lights, posing and selfie taking with red sequinned, drag queens,bumping into other Big Brother stars, letting a Drag queen, dressed in a Sexy Santa Suit, be a DIVA  at us because she didn’t have time for our shit. Lol.

We’ve gone for it now and ended up at some bar called Churchills, because they offered us free wine (lol) and before you know it, they’re calling us on stage to sing karaoke and I feel like i sort of just blinked with my boobies and i’m stood on a stage with Lisa, as Ryan is filming it, with a microphone in my hand, SINGING ‘Wannabe’ by the fucking Spice girls, for an audience. LOL.

Honestly, we were shite. But oh my God, we gave it some welly. They loved us. Everyone was videoing and camera phoning the moment. We even got called ‘Iconic.’ HAHAHAHA. But let me tell you, being a Spice Girl is EXHAUSTING. How the HELL Mel B got through that rap section sober, I don’t know? (I was totally Mel B. 🙂 )

We get off the stage. We’re wanting wine, everyone else is wanting selfies. We’re loving it though, as we now have birthday fever. Girls and guys kept calling me ‘beautiful’ and ‘a Queen’ and when you’re dead old, you kinda adore it, don’t you. 🙂 Hahaha! It makes you feel good.

Then a group of straight boys come in. It’s now quite late and Ryan and Lisa have to head home to get the last train. I DECIDE TO STAY OUT. So, i’m now on my own, with the masses, in this bar on Canal Street, guzzling buckets of wine, with a ton of people now asking for selfies and the ‘straight ‘ boys head straight over and begin to DANCE OFF, HIT ON ME, in order to win my ‘only girl straight girl in the bar’ affection. It got so crazy that the manager had to keep pulling me out the way, or pulling them off me.

I then started having a conversation with a girl, as one guy is trying to flirt with me, by sexy dancing to Nelly and lifting up his top …and out of nowhere this other guy, darted in and started butting the ‘Nelly Dancing Guy’ out of the way to make HIS move. He was literally standing right infront of my face and giving me the ‘come ons.’ The manager (who was in a cowboy hat Lol…pulled me away again.)

I’m pissed by now, so i’m just tottering around smiling and selfie taking with those who adore Wunna land! (I followed you on Twitter Mickey Daniels! 🙂 )

Then it all just went mental!

The straight boys are now really drunk and now forcing themselves into Wunna land. A girl starts chatting to me and tells one of the boys, who’s asking me out that..

‘We’re together. She’s with me.’ 

He dances off somewhere and she turns around and says,

‘You’re too good for him.’ 

He dances his way back and then JESUS CHRIST, OUT OF NOWHERE, some other straight guy, that wasn’t even playing ‘Love Wunna,’ comes up behind him and fricking HITS HIM IN THE FACE and SMASHES A FUCKING BOTTLE OVER HIS HEAD.

Screaming happens, everything’s gone mental. He’s dragged him outside to beat him up. The girl that was ‘saving’ me from men, turns around and smashes my wine bottle on the BAR SIDE to go out and join the fight.

I’m out the way at this point, as i’ve been pushed to one side and sheltered.

THE POLICE CAME and Churchills (the bar) gets shut down for the rest of the evening,

What the absolute fuck!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

The cowboy dressed manager, (who was also once on Big Brother) walks up to me, makes sure i’m alright and says,

‘God! Lol! What a storm. We shouldn’t have let them in really, but we did. We’ve had to close now, as the police are here and let me tell you, THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED, IN THE HISTORY OF ME WORKING HERE.’

Then she walked me out, to another bar. Just so i’d get there safely. Lol. Yet after a drink, I left and got in a taxi. It was just too strange and a guy in a Pokeman shirt was dancing around me. He as with his Ozzie best friend, who kept telling me that she had a boyfriend, but wouldn’t say no to trying out a relationship with a girl.  Lol. They were actually lovely. So i really shouldn’t make fun of them. But i was tired now and i’d stopped having fun now, so i lied and said i needed the loo…and left them.

Got to my hotel…wiped half my face off, stripped off totally starkers, put my phone on charge, set it for five o clock in the morning, (It was 3 o clock in the morning,) and CRASHED in what felt like the comfiest bed known to mankind, in Room 825 at the Macdonald Manchester Hotel.

Missed my alarm. Shocked myself up, after feeling sick at 6.08am. 

That’s how i sailed into Tuesday. I fell asleep on my train and again just at the right time, *shocked* myself up, at the exact right station, just as people were getting off at Leeds. Missed my connection though, so I ended up in a taxi to the office.

Made it to work, bang on time, in Pontefract. Had no clue what time it was really? But ran up to the office door, with all my stay over bags, over my shoulders. I swung open the door a jar and ‘The Mighty’ looked me right in the eyes, smirked (like she had ‘been there’ herself) and in a stern, commanding, yet friendly manner, she simply says…

‘GO TO GREGGS NOW AND GET YOURSELF A COFFEE…..’

 

Lisa Appleton flashes her bum as the zip breaks on her skin tight PVC skirt

 

 

 

 

 

Back from the Forest!

 

JEEPERS! It’s been a while!

You have my sincerest apologies for not reporting every inch of Wunna Land for you. I’ve missed it. LOTS! However, life just got the better of me and felt so ever so rushy-rushy-rush pants, busy little bee blips that I couldn’t see my head from my tail. I’m still sort of in ‘rush’ mode and well i’ve managed to get home and see that nothing has got done. (This is why kittens should always do everything themselves.) So now i have the giveaway to re-ignite, the gifts that haven’t gone out yet to GET OUT to you, the gifts that have gone out to check up on, do a final big Xmas shop for gifts and dinner and all with the two kiddies. However, saying that…my darling Mother has taken Baby Ruby with her to the salon for a major bundle of pamper down. As i Tweeted..I am certainly now jealous of my own daughters life. There she is getting pampered at two and here I am at home, doing mounds and washing and eating cocktail sausages with Junior. I could actually only blog this now during his nap. 🙂 Life is happy, silly yet hectic. It’s madness I tells you and quite frankly this has been the busiest Christmas i have ever had! So you have my big sorries for everything. Yet al will be back on track. (Saying that, I do want to remind you that i’m in a rush simply because in a day I’m back on holiday in the forest! Therefore enough of the rambling…lets tell you all about it…)

 

Okay, so usually EVERY YEAR around this time we as a family go to the forest. The reason why we go this time every year is simply because it’s my birthday week, so a ‘trip to the luxury peace and harmony’ of such a place, which as you all know is of great sentimental value to me is usually gifted to me as a birthday treat each December! Yet this time it was all booked earlier so the a more delicious cabin could be ours and all in the name of ‘family.’ Meaning my ‘winkles,’ and my Sister in law ‘Sharn’s’ family were there to celebrate also. Not only has Sharn JUST had a bambino, (Baby Jack to be exact and at 3 weeks old he is LITERALLY the miniest baby I have ever witnessed in my entire life. SO CUTE. Juniors built like a bulldog. I’m lugging him around like firewood.) BUT our darling ‘Mum again’ Sahrn also has the SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME!!! IT WAS AWESOME. WE HAD THE BEST TIME EVER! And simply because we have the same birthday and because i’ve spent the most luxury time with Sharn, (we think the same way and understand the world in which we lay in) she is now my favourite member of their branch of the family! 🙂 *Wiggles-Winks* I probably even like her more than the way I entered their family. 🙂 But yes, keep up. We’re in the forest for pre-Christmas merriment and birthday joy. Get it? Got it. Glitzy! Good! 😉

 

Now we always get the 5* treatment whenever we venture to Sherwood, which is the only location we’ve done with Forest Holidays, yet when we do things we do them properly! We’ve been 4 times this year so far? Or wait? Is it five? The above is how ace our cabin was. We had the giant ‘sleeps 10’ cabin, which was two storeys on it’s own, yet it also had a long spot lit bridge that led to a cosy couples tree house, equipped with a outdoor swing! AMAZING! When you’re a parent all the holidays you go on have to now be ‘kid friendly’ and if they’re not, you’ll have the hardest time ever. Yet the good thing about this place is that it’s like a home away from home, filled with nature, peaceful, calm and a place where one can privately indulge in utter LUXURY. The kids get tired out and then YOU have the rest of the time to relax in the depths of the forest in luxury.

I mean we were hot tubbing, with champagne and strawberries privately out in the middle of the Sherwood Pines Forest under trees, wildlife and stars. It may have seemed cold to you, but to us we were BOILING. That hot tub is no joke. But probably because the male counterparts of the journey fiddled with the temperature. Boys like fiddling with things. They either get it right, or mess it up. Mostly mess it up. But I am always impressed with the good men who get it right.

So Sharn and I would spent the day looking after babies, as the men decided to take hour long trips to grocery stores, which a women could do in 30 minutes and practically so they could go to the pub. I mean can you imagine two men being grocery buddies searching for budget veg? They couldn’t even be bothered to look for the food. As soon as they walked in they saw a poor boy with a GIANT ‘ASK ME’ sign attached to him and well they did just that and asked HIM where everything was, so that they didn’t have to do the leg work. Lol. Then instead of quickly venturing home to tend to their tired wives, they went to the pub and didn’t come back until they were made to. EVERY DAY! 🙂

The good thing was that this meant Sharn and I had the NIGHTS! The babies went into Daddy daycare and we snuggled up with the champers in the bubbles of a warm, outdoor, forest hot tub. We talked life, love and….well…;) all sorts.  It’s hilariosu really because we al had a greta time. The boys were fun when we all managed to spend time together and Phil..(Sharn’s partner) managed to come up with these amazing ‘out of nowhere’ POSH PLATTERS. That’s what we named them. Whenever he left the hot tub, he’s conjour up some truly well presented ‘Posh Platter.’ Even is we only had sausages in, he’s tower them up like he was Gordon Ramsey. 🙂 For me, Phil always does one funny thing that has me in creases everytime we go to the forest. Last time he SINGED his own eyebrows off with his lighter by accident at 7am on the decking. (It had been turned to the largest flame on the block without his knowledge. It went whappy on him.) This time, there was a moment of my life where I was all hot tubbed out and sat indoors with Sharn and the babies one evening and we looked out the window (one whole wall is a window that looks out at the hot tub) and PHIL had a headband with a red light attached to it and whilst in his swimming trunks, he leapt out of the tub, placed himself infront of the window and MADLY began walking like an over excited, bit drunk Egyptian. 🙂 PAHAHAHA. I loved it! It is ingrained on my soul forever now. When Sharn and I do something funny, we think it’s GREAT. When the boys do, we just pull faces turn our noses up to their ‘Tom Foolery’ and call them ‘IDIOTS.’ 🙂 I ADORE BEING A GIRL.

 

(This was before Daddy Day care)

The holiday was cosy, restful, fun, and refreshing. I think I consumed a merry amount of wine because my head hurt when I woke. 🙂 But ah well…I’m a glamour puss. That’s my job. I can rock a hurty head like a kitten.

Our birthday’s were had and well i love having my birthday away. It always feels special and like i’m a Princess. I’m not a ‘it’s just another day’ kinda girl. It’s the day I was fricking BORN. Rubes opened my presents up for me and refused to let me say ‘To Chrissie,’ whenever I read a card. Instead I had to say ‘To Ruby, Happy Birthday.’

There’s just so much to tell you that I can’t do it all in one big blow. But i had happy times, luxury times, Mummy times, sad times and refreshing times all at once. (Yes, I did have a Wunna cry on the last day. It annoys me when that happens. But I guess it’s just the cycle. Life sort of has some glitzy giant bazooka and takes glitter ball shots at me in short sharp spurts. I’m try to duck, dive and weave around them, but I was never that active. Kittens are built for pleasure not speed. In the end, one got me and I wept. 🙂 *Loser* And the worst thing was that I did it at night in front of people. Hahaha. In a green robe and an updo 🙂 )

But that was the only sad moment, other then when I left. They were happy tears because my experience was so lovely. Things in my mind, sort of came to light during that trip. The forest always helps me to see and think freely. I’m quite clear with my way forward and the funny thing is, no-one knows it but me. Just a lot of watching, hearing and absorbing took place. Now that i’m home, that hearing, watching and absorbing, can be placed together in a jigsaw fashion. That jigsaw symbolises my future.

MY BIRTHDAY WAS ACE!

BEST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER. I’m obviously OBSESSED WITH IT. Thank you Sharn! You can always tell if I like something because it immediately gets it’s picture taken and plonked up on every social media channel possible.

 

Wine in the woods on our Bday!

 

Oh gosh!! There was a funny moment! ON THURSDAY NIGHT we thought we’d take part in QUIZ NIGHT! We’ve never done it before and well there was only us and another team, so it was kinda good that we did do it. 🙂

Now, I can’t tell if we just don’t have working brains or the Quiz questions were harder than general knowledge, but it really wasn’t that easy! 🙂 Hilarious though because we ended up having to GUESS them all but maybe 2 that we knew. The only answers I knew were ‘I Should be so Lucky’ and ‘Mel B.’ Says it all really. 🙂 Oh now, I’m selling myself short. I also randomly got this other question right, where you had to guess what ‘WORD’ could be placed infront of ‘these three other words and still make sense.’ You’ve all heard that question before. The answer was ‘OVER.’ We didn’t win. We came second by 3 points. The other team had a Doctor in their team (Lol) and got all the same wrong answers as us. Yet because their Status Quo knowledge was far superior..they snagged he winning spot in the bag! I ACTUALLY NOW LOVE QUIZ NIGHT. Sharn wa good at the Quiz, here guesses where always right. Phil was good at guessing measurements and ‘The Bee Gee’s.’ and Keiran…he was good at BOASTING and show boating to the other team when we guessed an answer, even if we weren’t even sure if it was nearly right. Lol. We even had to stop him spelling in the end. He had had an earlier brain blip in the holiday where he was rambling on about something or other? But he got all his phrases mixed up and managed to meander the two…’Practice what you preach’ and ‘Reap what you sow’ into one. ‘Preach what you sow.’ I guess that works in his life. It did at the quiz! 🙂 I stated that we should sent him to MENSA and he looked at me cute, but puzzled, but with mild excitement like MENSA could’ve been some Club in Ibiza. ‘No babe it’s for those with a GENUIS title.’

The quiz, was fun, and of course I playfully moaned at site manager Luke throughout the whole thing because the questions needed to be more ‘Current’ or about ‘Celebrities.’ We still won wine. I want one NOW. And we also managed to make friends with the winning team, who had the same dress sense…which ended in this picture.

 

They’ve invited us over for Christmas dinner 🙂

It was like a much thicker (0n our part) drunken, ‘Family Fortunes’ in Christmas jumpers. They were much posher and had a Chihuahua. Ruby coloured in ‘Cinderella’ throughout the whole quiz and then tables and then anything she could find. Forest holidays don’t mind, we’re like one of their fave families because we go so much. We get the superstar treatment. Lol. At one point for attention she smeared ketchup on her hands and pretended it was blood for attention. 🙂 OH LORD!!! I wiped it off, after a moment of panic and then gave her more things to colour in.

LIFE IS GOOD RIGHT NOW. Even though I can’t fit everything in and get everything done. My Mum giggles and says ‘Don’t you have like a hundred Baby Daddies that can look after the children for an hour?’  (One’ s partying and the other is working. Men for you..and they wonder why we’re always looking out for a hero…because there is hardly any going around.) But whatever it’s Christmas!! Next year is NEW for me. What’s the saying? When life gives you lemons…..slice them up and garnish them on cocktails. 😉

Merry Xmas!

Giveaway coming up NEXT!

(You will be getting your gifts shortly.)