That Moment Before Halloween Did Me Over ;)

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor

What a night! What a time! I’m talking about Saturday. It’s now Tuesday, and i’ve only just pulled myself together. If there was living and then there was L.I.V.I.N.G…this Halloween…I smashed it.

Right! Let’s go…

I have been the busiest kitten in all of the glitzy land and it’s not as easy on the old body, as it was when I was 20 something in Hollywood. That’s the truth. Yet, I’m so lucky. I’m enjoying it thoroughly and something tells me that I’m much BETTER at being a 30 something, than any other decade. It kinda suits me well, because i’m tougher now. I was even tough then. I was a confident , yet wild 20 something, moulded by LA life, as I tinkered a career in entertainment. I went through an awful lot. It hasn’t been easy.

That was the first time around…Things happened after that!

This time around I’m NOT 21, i’m 37. I’m wiser, I’ve learnt and things are always better, the second time around.

You take a better shot, because your soul is filled with the correct ingredients. Your life experience radiates and powers over and people open doors for you, with more respect and utter grace. I don’t just mean this in work, but also when it comes to love. Your second shot, is always much stronger, because you’re adjusted yourself and you know what you’re dealing with.

MMmmkay…

(I actually told a guy called ‘Nathan’ that things were better the second time around, as I ate a spinach and pear salad, whilst hungover at Gino’s, in Leeds. My favourite salad ever. I love salads with pears in. I love that I can walk into Gino’s and be treated with absolute love by the staff. I love that I can simply state that i’m so hungover and without me uttering another word, they baby me and know exactly what I need…Lol) 


Anyway. I don’t know how old, ‘Nathan’ was, but I reckon around fifty? He’d run a massive business, that set him in the high money stakes. Then he *ballsed* it all up, by going wild, leaving his wife and spending all this money, before almost going bankrupt.

Yipppeee!

He randomly told me that this was his second time around. (I don’t even know him at all?) But I assured him, that if he concentrated, and wanted it more than anything, y’know, did everything the right way….he would smash it.

Me: ‘It’ll be even bigger the next time around…’

It’s how life works. It’s not about what happens, it’s about the kinda human you are and how you handle that ‘what.’

Okay….

Things are changing for me and it’s a really wonderful feeling. I’m steady away and i’m doing okay. I’m not in a race for success. I love my present and i’m enjoying my time. I’ve got a long way to go. But I don’t look over my shoulder to see what or how everyone else is doing? I just stay focused on my own world, my own version of life and i’ll ‘hit’ my goals, when i’m meant to… Y’know, when life cuts me some slack. 😉

It’s important to refrain from comparing your current chapter to someone’s else’s chapter.

Anything can happen at any time! I’ve watched it and lived it.

Mum: ‘Career first, Chrissie. You can have anything or anyone you want, afterward. Don’t get distracted. I believe in you.’

I’d sailed off a very busy week of meetings, work and bustle. I was exhausted. I hadn’t been sleeping much. My mind wouldn’t let me. Last week, I met so many people. In fact that week, I did so SO much, that it kinda all feels like a blur.

I was still excited for the weekend though!

I woke up and the babies, ‘Ruby & Junior’ jumped on me in bed, with laughter and cuddles. They were bursting with joy! We made OUR Saturday morning, all about Ackworth Garden Centre, because they wanted to go fancy dress Pumpkin Carving, with Peppa Pig. and Mummy.

It was wonderful. It was wonderful because I TREASURE family time. I’m a real family girl, even though I have an independent soul. The moment I saw their faces light up with excitement, my heart was sold. I’m a softy. I love making people happy. It fills me with glee. I’m so proud of them. I’m so proud of how well they’re doing.

They’re literally my world.

Image may contain: 1 person, sitting Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, sitting and child

Image may contain: 3 people

We giggled. We carved. We did Halloween. It’s times like that, when I love being a single mum. When there’s just us…doing life, because no idiots can distract us. Our bond is too strong. We’re so close. Nothing else matters when we’re together as a team.

BLISS….

But oh my gosh, I am so properly SHIT at carving pumpkins, because IN LIFE,  i’m not good at the niggly tasks, the little tedious bits, that you’d usually hire someone to do or have a husband for. Lol. I know that sounded LAME. But I am. I don’t have the patience for the niggly bits. Haha. Yet, on THAT day, I don’t know what happened to me? I did! I got on with it, because I was motivated by love. (It’s the key to success… 😉 )

Jenna: ‘Look at Wunna…’

Me: ‘I can’t do this sober. It’s like wrapping presents on Christmas Eve, you need to be tipsy.’

Let’s say, it was an achievement.

Anyway,

We had the most amazing family time…and that’s what I love about my life right now. It’s feels pretty balanced.

I actually feel like a really decent human and it’s so hard on me at times, when people (as in guys,) forget to see how lovely the ‘whole picture’ is and not just how great I might be in the ‘sack.’ I’d really appreciate a man, who appreciated me for the ‘whole picture,’ they don’t come around that often in my world…and i’m not saying that I don’t get attention. We all know I do.

But, every single time I look at a guy, after he makes his move and smoozes on in, I always think that he’s ONLY after one thing…and potentially nothing else…because that’s what always happens to me. I don’t think many guys have proved  to me, that I’m more than JUST THAT.

Don’t get me wrong, i’m a grown up girl. I love sex. I’m single. I’m okay. I’m happy. I do hope to find my one. I say that all the time. Yet, I don’t want to comprise my heart, or sell myself short . So being sexy and naughty and flirting is great! It’s part of being a grown up and certainly part of being a single 30 something. It’s hot and i’m sensual by nature.

I love it.

It’s sexy and I love a bit of ‘filth.’ Yet, if nothing more develops from it, other than ‘nookie’…and because i’m a girl, I kinda just think that it was ALL, a waste of my time?

Men don’t like to tell me or show me that I could be more to them than that….

I never know why?

Anyway, back to the story….

Where were we…Oh Yeah…PUMPKINS*Deep Breath*

I will tell you that, the last time I carved a pumpkin, was over a decade ago. It’s not my forte. It never has been. The last time it happened,  was out of force.

I was pissed, in West Hollywood, doing Tequila shots, dressed as a Playboy bunny, by a dining table. What I learnt is that, you should never ever carve pumpkins, stone cold sober, if you are a glamour puss. (And when I say ‘Glamour Puss’, I don’t mean a chick, who just wears too much lippy. It’s more of a manner than a look, to me.)  Do remember to  ALWAYS add tequila. Pumpkin carving is harder than you think…until you put ya back into it.

I actually loved every minute. It made my babies smile. They just looked up at me, and wee’d themselves laughing, whilst shaking their heads, as I struggled in my ‘Little Mistress’ faux fur…

Ruby: ‘Look at Mum trying to cut out pumpkin eyes. She needs a wine. Haha…..’

Then we walked over to ‘Ego,’ (I’m actually blogging from ‘Ego’ now with a wine,) for pasta, salmon dill fishcakes and mocktails, before I grabbed all my stuff, tried on my Ann Summers Devil’s outfit, sipped a quick ‘get ready’ vino, kissed the babies ‘good bye.’

I then *blinked* and found myself on the train to Leeds City Centre.

I checked into Park Plaza…

I love checking into Park Plaza, simply because it’s easy, styish, comfy and SO WELL LOCATED. Nothing’s a bother. Plus, you can’t really beat being *slap bang* in the middle of the city centre. It’s a ‘dolly’ strut distance from EVERYTHING. It’s in the most perfect spot. I’ve stayed there a lot. I always try to stay there when I need to

I don’t know whether it’s just me? But I LOVE that moment when you check into a hotel, get through all the pleasantries..

Reception: ‘Good Afternoon, Miss Wunna….You’re on the 14th floor..’

Man at bar: ‘Hi, how are you? You’re stunning. Where are you going tonight?’

… and then you finally *whoosh* yourself up to the 14th floor, slide in, shut the door, turn on the lights, turn on the tunes and BOOM! BLISS! You’re there! You’re done….You chill and sip your wine, in peace. (But then Insta Story, the hell out of it all. Haha.)

Within moments of hair doing, face doing and wine sipping… I was here…

I felt so alive. I felt so fun. I usually hate Halloween. But this year I was excited. I don’t know why I was excited? It’s something that I don’t bother celebrating often.  I was just in a really good mood. So after a couple facetime calls, I was out!

(Well technically, I had to go find Aaron &Stephen the Paps, because they couldn’t find parking and didn’t know exactly where they were, for the Zanetti bash.)

Steve: ‘The Sat Nav, says it’s literally just around the corner…’

Aaron: ‘We’re parked outside this building…It says GVA on it?’

(Sends me a picture.)

So, being me, I walked up to find them…within the city streets of Leeds, at night…dressed in my slutty devils outfits…in stockings & horns. Haha.

Dude: ‘Are you not scared?’

Me: ‘No. I’ve lived. I’m not scared of a 2 minute walk, dressed like this. I’m more concerned that i’m COLD. I hate the cold. Lol’

I don’t think i’ve ever got hit on as much in my life!!??!

And the sad thing was, I was strutting through the streets, with my head held high, like I didn’t even know I was dressed like a slutty devil. I was like Beyonce….but shitter.

The funny thing was that, when I got into the lift on the 14th floor, it stopped at the 10th.  The doors open and a poor handsome guy, who was waiting to jump in, must have got the shock of his flipping life.

Imagine your lift doors opening and I’M THERE, laughing, dressed as Devil, with all my boobs pouring out and with a sequinned pokey stick, tapping against my thigh!

Hahahah.

Guy: ‘I can’t tell whether this is real or a prank? Lol’

Me: ‘I’m so sorry. Haha. Don’t feel awkward. It’s real.’

Guy: ‘No. No. I don’t feel awkward. You look beautiful! Where we going? Hell?’

Me: ‘Yeah…Probably…Haha..’

Guy: ‘Honestly….Where you off?’

Me: ‘Just some party. I’m actually going to find my friends..’

Guy: ‘What you doing afterward?’

Me: ‘I’m going to sleep…’

(This was our convo from the 10th floor to reception, in our lift.)

Anyway, I managed to find ‘The Boys,’ Aaron & Steve, snuggled warm in their Audi, on King Street. (A life of a pap is certainly rewarding, but must so hard. It was a freezing cold night and to think that they had travelled from city to city, having to wrap up warm like lil’ snuggly bears, to take pictures of celebs, whilst being stood outside in the cold for hours… is not easy.)

But they do it and they don’t even moan. Plus, it must be shit having me sat in the back of your car, poking you with a Devil’s stick, and moaning because I want booze.

They got ready to shoot, I stepped into a bar named ‘Box,’ just on the corner. I’ve never been there before, but fire eaters where outside and I knew that Tattu & Blackhouse wouldn’t let me in in Fancy Dress…so I headed in and it was fun.

It was actually filled with loads of people who were headed to Zanetti’s Halloween party…I ordered a wine, talked to a clown, Catwoman told me she thought I was ‘stunning’ then this business man, from down south, hit on me…and tried to make me stay with him for the night…

Me: ‘I’m going next door now..’

Guy: ‘What time are you done? Can I not give you my number. Call me afterward…’

Me: ‘I’ve godda go…’

I show up at Aspire, which is where the ‘Zanetti/Sleepin is Cheatin’ night was being held.  I check in with the boys…who were waiting outside, freezing cold, but camera ready…

Security are lovely to me, Amy (Zanetti’s PA) showed me straight in, a wrist band was strapped on me and I was guided upstairs to the VIP.

Then the night began….

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor

 

 

 

 

Booty Bum Bursts!

Today was the day when I must have *bent over* without a  kitty care in the world and the ENTIRE BACK SEAM of my dress *RIPPED* open, presenting the *WUNNA BOOTY* to all the land! 🙂

Hurrah! Booties for everyone!

As if i’ve managed to get so fat…Well I like to say ‘Playground’ because I heard it on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ being used as a term for ‘Being Bootilicious’…But yes, now it’s official… I am absolutely TOO ‘BOOTY’ to wear a pencil dress. You want a Kardashian Bum? You go to Greggs and have a sausage roll and latte EVERY FLIPPING DAY and you’ll own a *booty,* SO BUSTING, that it makes like the ‘Incredible Juicy Hulk’ and glamourously *bursts* out of your pencil dress like it’s Beyonce.

I literally had my bum out all day, because I couldn’t be arsed (excuse my pun) to buy a new dress. I’ve done worse. A bit of bum cheek is fine. 😉 I was infact, the least shocked… out of the entire bunch..and it was MY ASS that was out.

Oh but let me tell you….

What did my ‘ride or die’ glammy chick friends do? Offer me support? Love? Remedies to my problem?

No…

They fucking pointed, laughed out loud, called me a dickhead and showed everybody my freshly ripped *booty peek* whilst snaphatting it!

Me: ‘What? I can’t see anything??’

‘Honestly! Chrissie! The back of your dress is flapped open… like a hospital gown! Hahahahaha!’

‘Is it THAT BAD? Have I got good knickers on?’

‘Yeah, they’re black lace. Hahah!’

I will say that Mel did offer me a moment of…

‘Safety pins? Shall we safety pin or staple you back up? Shit…I don’t have any? Sorry lol.’

Then just to keep things moving, I attempted to make fun of ‘Hot Sarah’ for no real reason really..and she shot it back with a..

‘You can’t make fun of my face when you’re in an ass out dress.’

‘Whatever! Everyone will be doing it tomorrow.’

I was totally like that ‘whatcha m’call her’ chick from ‘Mean Girls’ with the nipple shirt. I ROCKED my ‘ass out‘ pencil dress.

I mean, GOD ‘Webbo‘ and ‘The King of the North’ didn’t seem to mind and I used Webbo’s window as a mirror.

‘I honestly can’t see anything! Can you? Is my bum out?’

They invited such ‘jiggery pokkery’ into their world, with love, Bromantic ‘you’ll not have your Portugal body,‘ hugs and a bottle of Archers in their hands.

Then ‘the new boy’ started singing Ed Sheran songs and telling me that he has a pet bunny….(yes, you heard.) He then went on to explain that he saved his girlfriend from a dodgy life in Hull and dragged her to a dodgy life… just outside of Bradford. Lol.

Me: ‘A bunny? That’s…I’m pretending to be nice. That is actually really weird! LOL.’

All was dandy, all was well and then ‘Feisty Gem’ makes the executive decision to wear white ‘bowling shoes’ with her very dark tights…which caused me to panic a little.

*Panic.Panic.* It’s like acid to the eyes.*

Especially when i’m in my Specsaver Specs. (I’m waiting for my contact lenses to arrive.) Right now I have EXTRA DOUBLE STRENGTH VISION! It’s intense. But, *applause* to her, as  I did laugh at her naughty sassiness today, even though she committed to poor shoe choices.

‘You’re like the naughty rebellious one.’

Then ‘Double B’ piped in with a shake of ‘diva’ and a dazzle of  ferocity, as she was deliciously misheard by Firmonell…

Double B: ‘How rude was that guy! Don’t talk to me like that! GOD! I want to march down there and flick him on his fucking nose.’

Firmonnell: ‘Ewwwwwwwwww! You’re vile.’

Firmonnell thought that Double B had suggested she would *punish* the rude talking male by not ‘flicking‘ his nose, but ‘FUCKING’ his nose. Lol.

‘I said FLICKING!!!! WHY WOULD I EVER TREAT HIM TO THAT!’

As IF the ‘not flicking‘ would EVER be a treat!!! ABSOLUTELY DYING! Being a boy SUCKS. Being a girl is Wunnaful! (‘Wunnaful‘ is a state that surpasses the fine art of something feeling WONDERFUL.)

Then Mel started moderately describing a human, in her natural sassy downgrady but lovey‘ way, to the ‘King of The North,’ who is about to be forced off the Island….

Mel: ‘I mean, I’ve met her… She’s alright, but she’s just hard faced…Y’know, a bit abrupt, tells it how it is…She’s a bit grumpy…WAIT! I’VE JUST DESCRIBED MYSELF!’

King of the North, ‘Chrissie! Bend over again!’

Y’know, today was all about fun. It was bubbled with naughty laughter and was shimmied about in BANTER. You’ve got to have a charming wink of ‘chitter’ in your soul. It’s a weapon I mean, I ADORE a delicious ‘banter trifle,’ where humour kicks in and uncensored wording flies out.  It’s cheeky, it’s naughty. It’s flirty. It’s fun! More than anything it makes life so much more worthwhile. You need those moments in’life,’ as they help keep your spirit alive. Your spirit is that *magic* that radiates from you when you laugh out loud, or your eyes smile, or you surrender into a ‘love swirl.’ It’s your spirit that is attractive to someone like me. I like to feel a chemistry,

(‘Hot Sarah’ …who i now want to name ‘Hustle Barbie’ has just sent me a Snapchat. It’s of her… with her big fluffy cat…and with the ‘teddy leopard ear’ filter! Haha! Love it! Almost as hilarious as ‘Fairytale Blond’ with the  Yorkshire Terrier *plonked* on her head. Lol. Wow! It must be so weird being a blond! 🙂 )

On the whole…

I know some really great people and hopefully i’ll know them forever. Yet if i don’t…i’ll always remember this chapter of my life….

Lady Shizzle: ‘Something tells me that you’re moving onto better times Chrissie… I know it. This is your year…’

 

 

 

Double B’s & Love Messengers

‘Chrissie, this is the funniest thing EVER. So my chick friend saw this Silver Fox in Sherwood Forest & sent me a photo of the sighting and 10 minutes later she sent me this message…’

‘This random Silver Fox has just caught me trying to Snapchat him!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 I’ve had to awkwardly explain myself to him ….Shit Dies with me…I’m smashed. xxx’

THIS is the message that I woke up to this morning. Technically, I wasn’t quite fully awake, but I needed to tinker up and tango with a ‘might need a wee at five o clock in the morning’ dance off. I looked down at my phone…and there she was my ‘I need to stop having blond friends’ chick friend, who has been missing both her Handsome Prince (he’s dashed off on a Stag Do in Spain to Celebrate being ‘not the groom.’ Lol.) She’s also been missing ME, as ofcourse what is life, without a Wunna in it.

I’d say, this is the first time that her ‘handsome’ has been away and she has suffered a case of the ‘missing him’ bug. It’s very HER. It’s VERY sweet and well also very as mushy… Everyone, but ME is building their white picket fences. 🙂 I’ll build mine out of true love and diamonds when I find him.

But fuck that….let me tell you about my random Silver Fox hunt.

Right, so ages ago, I used to fancy Silver Foxes. ANY Silver Fox, from Phillip Schofield to… the newly silver George Clooney? I can’t think of anymore now that i’m on the spot. Hahah! Infact, more than anything it was a joke that got carried away and my friends and I would spot these ‘foxes’  all of the time and point them out..for kicks and because I AM THAT CREEPY. (When I’m talking silver foxes…I am talking MEN, not actual animals in the woods. This is Wunna Land. You’re in the wrong place. :))

Anyway, I’d see these silver foxes everywhere by accident and then decided that I’d do this ‘I heart Silver Foxes’ thing. Where i’d always try and spot one. (Apparently, i’ve had conversations hundreds of them? I can’t for the life of me remember then, as cocktails stole my memories. Yippeee! )

Anyway, this ‘Silver Fox’ game has ended up turning into a dirty version of ‘Where’s Wally.’ Lol. Now, whenever anyone see’s a ‘Silver Fox,’ they stalk him them and report forward to Wunna Land. Lol. It’s so ace, it’s almost got out of hand.

You can literally spot a fox ANYWHERE! They appear like magic, with their short silvery do’s!  Lol.

So my chick friend, received a message from HER chick friend, who jollied off to the woods to play ‘Robin Hood’ for a day and randomly...right there on the ‘i’m smashed‘ Earthly woodland floor, she spots a random SILVER FUCKING FOX! Hahaha! A SIGHTING! A SIGHTING!

The sighting processes through her head..Then after gin…makes it’s way from her phone, to my blond’s friends phone and then into Wunna Land…Where it was picked up at five o clock this Sunday morning by the Glamour Puss herself. Moi! *DYING*

The actual THOUGHT that she had to stand there, IN THE FUCKING WOODS, and explain herself to a random SILVER FOX is HILARIOUS. LITERALLY MAKES ME WEE MY INSIDES WITH LAUGHTER!

‘Hi, I’m sorry Sir. I’m just hunting Silver foxes. I’m a lunatic…yes. I’ve had gin….Selfie?’

AS IF the ‘Silver Fox’ game, has GOT SO FUN, that she got CAUGHT trying to Snapchat one and had to make up BOLLOCKS, so that she wouldn’t get shouted at….IN THE PEACEFUL WOODLANDS.

Now, don’t get it twisted. These days, I don’t actually fancy ANY Silver Foxes at all… I’m a cougar now….Times have changed. Lol. But the invention of the game has made my life worthwhile, for the brief phase that it has lived. IT’S SO FUN after a whisky. It’s flirty after three…There have been times where in which I have literally BOBBED DOWN and HID BEHIND PEOPLE/CARS…all sorts… and then SPIED TO SEE WHAT ‘A FOX’ WAS DOING. I never got caught..and like The Blondie…I would’ve just talked BOLLOCKS to get myself out of trouble. Technically, I have boobs.. GOOD BOOBS! So GOOD that they’re in the Boobpedia…(lol) SO I don’t have to say anything, just do a ‘Whoopsie* face and *wink.*

(Now, before I get all told off. I’m not promoting stalking. If you stalk people you will go to jail and Hell and stuff. It’s a joke. It’s fun. I’m not a real stalker. Just a real idiot. Remember, I said that! 🙂 )

Okay. Sensible part over. 😉

I have great chick friends. I mean the other night Mel stopped to talk to me for half an hour after working a really busy day…(when people do that they love you and want to express) and like I said, it was just lovely to see her *beam* with love. She’s in a magically, romantic swirl and as she stood there and said,

‘I only have eyes for HIM…’ 

It made my heart smile, because at the same time as me adoring to watch her ‘magic’..It sort of brings hope to those who truly feel that they will never find their ‘love.’ I’m someone who is great at being Single. I’m a busy girl and I’m a happy girl.

Yet, I’ve always told you that i’m open to bumping into love. I just want to make sure that the *bump in* is worth it and a great match for me…Nothing is worse to me than just settling for just ‘someone,’ when you can have the guy that you REALLY want eventually…if you just wait for the right match. I’d rather go without… than settle. I will marry, who I regards as the GREATEST MAN ALIVE.

Mel is the same way …AND she is in her mid FOURTIES. (She’s a hot mid 40’s. Crew Wunna land, IS in general hot! Hahah! I mean, we’re both life warriors, and agree that we as the female species are quite QUITE…manipulative….We both never really focused on love too much…But out of nowhere, here she is…after 3 years of an absolute single life, serious about not being in another magical ‘love swirl’…. simply on the lookout for just fun…AND BOOM…There he was…  her ‘Handsome’ sat in a car, with Tulips in his hands, telling her that he loves madly. 🙂 See! There’s hope for us all! ( I hope mines holding diamonds. Lol)

Then ‘Double B’ told me off for not listening to some story about God Knows what with Firmonnell…

‘GET INVOLVED YOU ORIENTAL BITCH.‘ Hahaha!

We LOVE ‘Double B’s insults as they are always so weird…I mean, she’ll pick out the littlest things about you and turn into the most evil, yet hilarious phrases…

‘You orange lipped bastard…’

‘You tight ponied, red headed.. scrubber…’

I mean, the other day she did something shit to Firmonnell, but knew she only had seconds before Firmonnell’s *dragon rash* could begin riding up her face, so  ‘Double B’ burst into a chorus of…

‘Oh my Single Ladies. Ooooooh my Single Ladies.’ Lol….

….and just as a distraction from getting told off. IT  FUCKING WORKED! Hahahaha! (She chews paper now because she wants to form a paper mache art piece, inside her body, that she can present at The Hepworth in Wakefield. Lol.)

Anyway, away from that…

I’m currently at Prosecco Pit Stop in Doncaster, blogging from the comfy chairs. The Power table.

I’m loving all the messages you’re sending me, they’re very sweet…and I couldn’t thank you enough for caring enough to drop me a ‘swiggedy’ send…(Don’t know what that means?)

I particularly like this one.. I got it today… This guy sends me messages often and I hardly ever get to reply, but I do always thank him for the message…

‘Thanks for everything you have said to me. It does mean something to me and makes me stop and think. I just can’t stand single life and I’ve gotta admit. It does drag me down at times. How you’re single is quite unbelievable. But I think with you it’s more choice…which is the way it should be. I have no doubt one day I will read your all sorted and you totally deserve the best. Whoever it is you fall for, which ever lucky devil, gets a chance to be with you, will not know what hit him. I think it’s pretty amazing! Keep doing what your doing xx

Ps That was a few too many gins message hope your ok x

Chat conversation end.’
 What I love about you all is that you’ll send me messages about YOUR LIFE and even though I come across as an ego maniac…I’m really the most thoughtful person you could know…it often winds people up, as they want me to be evil…Lol…Yet, I also have a natural interest in the lives of others…so my advice to the above is to feel the shit part of the change, as the quicker you feel it, the quicker you get over it. Once that’s done…forget it, scrub it out and look forward to enjoying your next life chapter…You may have wanted the previous chapter to be your final joy…yet you’re LUCKY ENOUGH, to be given a fresh new side street, that I think you’ll find..in time..once you choose to walk it… will make you smile!

 

 

 

 

Jeffrey! Jeffrey!

‘Jeffrey! Get them OFF our land!’

‘Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Set the DOGS on them! The Hooligans!’

(Hope you did that in your poshest British twang.)

Oh my LORD, did Firmonnell and I PISS ourselves laughing at the fact that we were going to send our friends, our glamourous dainty ‘Hot Sarah’ (who looks like a posh Barbie) friends, to places where in which they were either going to be quite heavily verbally abused, shot at OR eaten by  actual hound dogs!

HAHAHAH!

So funny! Nearly died! I love Firmonnell. It was just the moment when we looked at each other, flung back our heads with utter glee and OUT LOUD  uncontrollably SCREAMED with LAUGHTER at the fact that our friends could potentially be EATEN BY DOGS because we had guided them to the exact incorrect places. LOL! ND JUST FOR KICKS!

Then we got interupted by the ‘King of the North,’ which we didn’t mind, as we al love a bit of boy banter..

Firmonnell: ‘You should sit with us more often.’

ANYWAY, the ‘King of the North,’ is young, very stylish and happily married with 12 chihuahuas gent….and when he gets home, after his long day of ‘doing his hair‘ his WIFE has a red wine AND a gin and tonic freshly prepared FOR HIM, INCASE he fancies a drink. Being a guy, he apparently never wants EITHER and only ever asks for a ‘PEACH CORDIAL.’

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Firmonnell: ‘A PEACH FUCKING CORDIAL! THAT IS THE CAMPEST CHOICE OF CORDIAL EVER!’

We all pissed ourselves laughing WITH him, not at him and then Hot Sarah and I (as girls do) discussed his marriage…But not infront of him…as we’re far more polite than that. 🙂 Totally behind his back. Lol.

Luckily for him, it was in utter admiration. So let’s not get it twisted.

After a brief debate we came up with the fact that…’Hot Sarah’ thinks it’s cute that he has a beautiful wife, who waits for him, longs for him and serves him appropriately.

I think it’s a CLEVER that he picked so well…I mean, who has a wife that is that doting??? Who has a wife that yearns for their husbands arrival?  Well done him for picking well, blagging how great he is, or training well. LOL.

Then we both *paused* and after I shouted..

‘BUT I SAID PEACH CORDIAL GODDAMMIT…’

…we realised that INSTEAD of wishing that we were The King of the North’s WIFE, we both looked at each other and said,

‘I wish I had a guy that looked after ME that well.’ Lol.

I’ve decided..This is an executive Wunna Land decision…

I’m gonna pick WELL next time.

I mean JEEZE, us girls by nature always end up being all lovely and sacrificey and it’s cute because it’s in our nature to nurture.

However, to the ones of us, that are constantly working busy days, long hours, or building empires…we kinda want a guy to step in, sweep us off our feet and simply look after US for once. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!

I’ve never dated a guy that has been able to do that…aside from one…(Oh! And London Business Man would, if I chose to be with him. Yet, I’m not so sure that I could bank on him being there for the long run.)

HOWEVER, when it comes to love, I’m more traditional than most tend to believe. The only thing that is different, is that I work hard and have ambitious goals.So someone who understands my world, my passion, will win me, won’t they? And I know that sounds one sided but it’s not, as I’m a girl who understands the work load, ambition and love of ANY guy. So in that area emotionally, I KNOW, I’m sorted, as I know me well.

I mean gosh, I used to have these actors boyfriends who had to fly away for months on end to film movies, for work. I get it. Yet, with chicks, it’s weird. GUYS never get it, we either compromise greatly, or have to drop a zillion *hints* before they tune in. Lol.

But yes, I’m looking for a team mate to do forever with, more than I am ‘just some guy.’

Mel was hilarious today, as I found out that she finally gave her Valentines Day card to her new ‘love swirl’ who is still making her *beam* with excitement.

It was hilarious, because she bought him TWO cards, one sweet, one mushyish, exactly like she said she would, a week ago….She’s certainly ‘swirled’ over and cares about him madly. Yet she didn’t want to come across all ‘lovey dovey’ via Valentines cards just yet, so she bought a funny ‘i like you’ kinda card. 🙂

‘Chrissie. Honestly. I thought the card was BLANK on the inside. But i’ve opened it, to write it and it said….I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!’

We both pissed ourselves laughing at her distress. But any normal girl would just go with it. But no…Mel (lol) went with…

‘I thought about covering it up, sticking something over it, cutting it out…ALL SORTS. Even just crossing it out!’

HAHAHAHA!

‘Mel, you can’t just send someone a Valentines cards and CROSS OUT, the *I LOVE YOU* part! Lol. I love that you thought that was acceptable!’ HAHAHAH!

By this point, I was literally dying with laughter, as she ate millionaires shortbread and continued telling me the story via whispers.

Anyway, she came up with a solution, where in which she ever so romantically wrote him a fairytale, about how they met…using the ‘I LOVE YOU SO MUCH’ words on the card (it basically went through their love story and stated that she was a twat for picking a card that ended up being so mushy Lol) and when she told me the story, I looked at her and she was beaming.

It’s always about how ‘beaming’ this guy makes her feel. It’s magical and even more so, because by nature Mel is NOT someone who is openly ‘wooey.’ Yet you get little snippest of her softness, when you watch her and she thinks your not looking. Her daughter Alex walked by me today, all pretty, sassy and hilarious and Mel was the sweetest Mum ever…yet dashed in fun. It was great.

But today showed me how romantic she was, how happy she was and how fucking HILARIOUS she was!

YOU can’t CROSS OUT ‘I love you‘ in a Valentines card, because you’re not ready to say it yet. LOL

Men should always say it first. (If you do, that’s your quickest route to extra blow jobs. Be smart.)

I would be the smoothest guy on the planet. God! I mean you hear these horror stories of guys who just don’t get it! Love isn’t that hard, it’s just two compatible people who promise to take care and look out for one another, because their ‘magic’ can’t help it.

Everyone keeps asking me about my love life. I’m still single, nothing is happening…and i’m CASUALLY on the look out.

I was talking to these little tiny boys in a dark alley way tonight, who were being all sweary at passing by folk and trying to ‘play naughty’ when people walked by them.

It was funny because when I actually stopped to stand by them, as it was chucking it down and I didn’t want to get wet. I started talking to them and 3 minutes after their naughty ‘get ya tits out, fuck this ‘ banter had stopped…and I gave them ‘Wunna’ advice…they were hilarious and sort of sweet.

I was asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up and teaching them that chick hate it when you talk shit to them, when you really mean something else. You’d think by looking at the scruffs, that they’d be total dickheads, but they weren’t, they were actually super soft and all lovey dovey. Lol.

Then I walked off because I got bored and the rain had stopped…:)

They told me how ‘sexy’ I was as I left. Then tried to make me bum them cigs. I just looked, laughed, reminded them of how old they were…and then said,

‘Look…if I was sixteen and wanted a cig, I would’ve already managed to bum one myself. Quit trying to make other people get you what you want, because you’re too scared to try.’ 

‘He fancies you…’

‘Doesn’t everyone..’

HAHAHA! And that’s how I left it. Lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex, Work, Single life & Genitals?

I cannot even tell you how busy i’ve been and i’ve loved it. I’ve loved every single waking moment of it, like the dewy dripped deliciousness of ‘dreams come true.’ I’ve worked really hard at everything and yeah there have been times where in which it’s been tricky and jingle jangled in obstacles. Yet, I must have downed a wine and jousted through them without truly realizing. Y’know ungracefully *hitched* over the brick wall, only to turn back around, *wink* at it and find it transforming into glitter. This is a year of change for me. That year. The year where I *unzip* out of the old and with my head to the skies smiling… i’m ‘ashes rising.’ It’s almost a ‘sexy’ year. On this day LAST year (and I hardly ever back track, I see it as unhealthy) I received a really hideous ‘hate mail’ message that I glorified with the best comeback blog ever. So great, that that blog post, even to this day is STILL my most viewed blog post of all time. It’s a shame that my ‘highest ranking’ was stemmed from ‘hate mail’ and simply by someone who tried to gain a little ‘look at me’ via making others ‘look at ME’ in a more negative manner. I actually gained a lot of support…and well, this time last year, I quite positively thought that I was doing pretty great career wise. However, if I compare it to where I am at this point THIS YEAR…it’s amazing how FAR I’ve actually come. So, even though i hate to back track, I will say that looking back & reflecting, is beneficial when it comes to *pausing* for a second and realizing that you’ve achieved. You forget to notice sometimes and because you’ve been so busy.

And boy have I been busy. I’ve been so busy that I’ve felt like i’mon  a glittery pink treadmill, that’s been turned up to ‘full speed,’ yet i’m in crystal Loubotuins, ‘yessing’ everyone, ‘no..ing’ those who aren’t quite right and i’m running, i’m tottering so fast that i’m racing against time…with a pina colada in my hand and a *wink* that is sprinkled with charm on repeat. I’ve been working through the day, blogging when i can, single mummying ALWAYS and then in then in the evening flying off to any event of my choice that i’ve been invited to. It’s felt like i’m on some kind of crazy cocktail, picture taking Wunna tour. And the weird thing is…i’m not even complaining. I’m shattered. But it’s felt so right that internally i’m smiling. That’s how you know ‘career wise’ that you’re doing something that you love, something that’s right for you, as you’ll always make time for it, because it makes you happy. It doesn’t feel liek work, no matter how shattered you are.

I will now say that I did opt for rescheduling my entire work weekend, simply because I felt as though i needed a ‘moment.’ My body was so exhausted that i just needed to refill (…myself with champagne cocktails :). ) Noooo. I just needed a day off, to enjoy the babies, be a mum, not feel the pressure of an audience and only because when i’m knackered I can’t shimmie to the BEST of my ability. It only takes a day or two…then I can replace myself back in that canon and *shoot* myself out again, but with full force. Everything’s been successfully rescheduled, with more on top, so I couldn’t be happier, as I have some really exciting people and places to venture! I can’t even tell you how excited am I. Right now, it’s so bizarre because there are so many places asking me to visit and a bundle of places that I personally are wanting to visit, so i’ve asked…that if i wanted to, I could set up some 300 day tour. Lol. I can’t BELIEVE HOW FAR THIS LITTLE BLOG HAS COME. And I can’t believe that PEREZ HILTON (who I LOVE and i’m completely inspired by) liked the fact that I’m a FINALIST in this years UK BLOG AWARDS! As if!!! AND he sent me cyber kisses, after I stated that his absence in Celebrity Big Brother is…well…I said ‘shite.’ (I know…I put it so poetically. 🙂 ) About 10 years about, I worked at Crunch Gym, just as the check in and ‘give you a towel’ girl. It was one of the best jobs I ever had. It was so much fun and I met so many different, yet familiar faces every day. It was stimulating. But one of those faces that I checked in almost every day, before he became GIANTLY famous, was Perez Hilton…So it’s really great to be 10 years on and able to look back on development. Why am I being so reflective? I need a rum. This is shit.

However, the great thing about this last week, has been the fact that i’ve been surrounded by the greatest chick friends. How any ‘Glamour Puss’ lives life, without her ‘Girl Soldiers’ (cue: Beyonce) is beyond me? You need them. You really do. And yeah, we’re all pretty different and range from the ages of 21 to sixty something…But without that daily check in, ‘Double B’s’ unexplainable banter and Mel’s daily, ‘but i’ve have melon’ announcement (she’s the slim girl that goes to your local Slimming world weigh in, who you despise for being slim because she can chow down half a pack of Rich Tea biscuits, lose weight and justify the *binge* with a ‘But i’ve just had a bowl of melon’ )….Without the balance of one another…we’d all fall to pieces.

I think the problem with me, is that I’m quite ‘boy bantery,’ even though i’m ever much the girl. I’ve always had a lot of guy friends, that now i’m really embracing having chick friends, because it brings out that inner girl, that you need in order to radiate and be a girl. Maybe that’s where i’ve been going wrong on the dating scene, because I never seem to be able to let a guy be a man, without being their hot bantery chick friend, looking after myself financially or taking control of the situation emotionally. What I mean by that is that i’ll chase to get what I want in love… and that’s lame. I’m lame. And it’s only because in business and in life by nature, i’m used to zooming forward with clout in an attempt to get what I want. I’m proactive. Lol. However, now I FEEL more girly and it’s the delicate girliness in me that seems to be bringing the gents forward…I’m playful and i’m divary…yet like i always say, until you meet me, you don’t realise that I have this soft warmth.

It’s funny because i’ve had some people meet me and say,

‘It’s weird because I thought after all the tit pics that you’d be an absolute  nightmare, but you are so much more sophisticated than I imagined.’

YET at the same time, I’ve had people say,

‘I thought you’d be so ultra high maintenance and up your own arse, yet you are literally so down to earth…’ 

So, i guess i’m both? The key is your initial perception of me.

Yet going back to ‘Girl Soldiers’….you don’t have great chick friends, that you see on a daily, unless you are comfy enough to discuss PENIS. If you could read my blog notes from the week, which are literally just quick bullets on the ‘notes’ section of my iphone, (which reminds me i’m due an upgrade,) you would wee yourself a little with laughter. The fact that i’ve executively typed ‘PUBE NATION’ makes into my phone, makes me DIE with belly laughs.

So, I guess I had started a conversation about sex and how I haven’t had any in ages…months….in fact and that it actually felt great. I’m dating no one, i’m single and i’m so happy and so busy that I’m not even plonking legs at ‘ten to two‘ as they say.. on bed sheets…ANYWHERE after cocktails! 🙂 Like i said, I do intend on finding my ideal partner…I want to fall in love. However, right now, unless they did all the chasing and really wanted to date me, or if i really really *hearted* them…I wouldn’t have time to date at all. I’m shattered.

But anyway, ‘Double B’ decided to tell everyone that she didn’t want to give blow jobs anymore because her ‘Beau’ has a penis that (wait for it) LOOKS LIKE ME! HAHAHA.

‘Honestly, Chrissie! It looks like YOU when you’re in your GIANT PARTY WEAVE. I can’t even look at it!’ 

HAHAHA. If you are unaware as to what my ‘Party Weave’ IS, know that it is the most biggest and most intense piece of head wear, ANY GIRL could endure on a night out. It is the BIGGEST AMOUNT OF HAIR… ON A HAIR PIECE… EVER MADE. That’s what her boyfriend’s willy looks like. I wonder whether it *pouts* too and takes Selfies?

Then, like that wasn’t enough, she then went on to tell me a story about how she knew this guy who hadn’t had sex or wanked off in THREE ENTIRE YEARS. (Odd news, when you’re about to calmly eat a pasty.) Anyway, he got lucky and manged to *bone* (‘Firmonnell’ always tells me off for saying *Bone*) a girl who just so happened to be ‘Double B’s’ friend…

‘Honestly Chrissie, she had just had sex with him, came over to mine and when she took off her top, to get in the bath, IT SMELT LIKE ROTTEN EGGS. His spunk had stayed in him for SO LONG that it had turned ROTTEN. I’ve never smelt anything like it!!!’

Hahahaha! She makes my blog too easy on me.

But does that happen? Spunk doesn’t turn rotten. It doesn’t have a ‘best before end’ date, does it? However, I do think that it’s unhealthy to have it stashed in you, going ‘rotten’ for years on end. Lol. Boys can’t win. They’re mucky if they always *splurge* it out and they’re mucky if they decide to hold it all in. It’s rubbish being a gent. Poor sods!

Men are just weird creatures in general. No wonder, why i haven’t managed to come across my perfect find. This morning I had Twitter banter with Tom Zanetti over a video he had received from a middle aged gentleman, who had taken a moment of his life to plonk a blond wig and make up on and place TWO cut out pictures of TOM on his nipples. HAHAHAAH. He sent Tom the video on twitter…and it was so funny that you couldn’t cry for laughing. We’ve been pissing ourselves about it non stop. I mean, it takes some balls doesn’t it, so i’ll give him a high five for that, as he succeeded in the art of gaining Tom’s attention. Yet it did make me consider burning my own eyes out..and i’ve been, seen and done it all. Lol. But hey ‘potatoe/pottato,’ some people wake up on a Sunday morning and praise the Good Lord Jesus Christ. Others glue Zanetti to their nipples for Twitter videos and hit ‘send.’ Lol. I love it!

I’m always going to be single aren’t I!

Maybe it’s a blessing.

There’s a whole lot of ‘city’ and for once, I’ll tell ya, i’m thankful that there’s not that much sex. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes to dating…Boy vs Man

 

 

 

BOY                                                  MAN

  vs 

 

Ladies! When it comes to dating you really mustn’t CHASE boys. You mustn’t! And not only because it demeans your worth as a Lady, it makes you look like a desperado and well it’s really not too becoming to give a boy something too easily without working for it. I’ve been a desperado before and a chaser, so i’m not just rambling on, I’m speaking from experience. There are a great deal of thing sin life that we as women can chase…chase dreams, work, money, opportunity, midgets, wallets…:) anything. But not love and not boys and simply not boys because like i’ve always said, it is their natural instinct to hunt, gather and provide. They have to DO the chasing and if they have an interest in you, they will. Believe me…they will. if they don’t they won’t or they’ll mess you around. And if they aren’t a natural hunter and gatherer, then they are not yet a man and still wearing the title of ‘boy.’ be very weary of any boy that states that he is ‘Peter Pan.’ First of all, as girls…we all find that creepy. 😛 We do boys. We really do. Second of all…women…not chicks..like grown up men, because they are the mature version of silly little boys.

I was listening to Hirsty on Captial Radio on route to work, whilst stuck in traffic and well he says that on a level of sex, mature men are better than immature boys. With boys…it’s more enthusiasm with their willies, than actual SKILL. (And that’s true. That’s why we girls know how to fake orgasms.) You will be able to tell a ‘boy’ from a ‘Man’ simply because a boy will boast about the amount of women he has bonked with pride, weirdly believing that it makes him more desirable. It doesn’t. It just means he either has issues, or is a slag. Dirty willies R’ NOT ‘US. You’ll notice it immediately because he’ll attempt to be charming but then say that he isn’t looking for a relationship and never wants to settle down. #snooze. Those boys are not usually good at sex. In the words of Hirsty…it’s enthusiasm or ego boosting…more than actual skill. I agree.

Second of all…a boy…will make you CHASE HIM and foolishly think you have to make HIM adore YOU. #wrong that’s actually classed as being feminine. So maybe they’re a closet gay, or insecure. A grown up man will offer you stability, romance, love and never deny that they love you, care for you and will look after you forever. They’ll do all the leg work and simply because that’s what a real man does…without complaint.

Thirdly (and again as Hirsty on Capital states,) a boy might look hotter, have a good body and seem more attractive than the man. Yet the man doesn’t define himself on how big his muscles are. He defines himself on success, love and how he can proved for his family. Yeah, he might have an extra bit of pudge around his waist. However, that’s because his culinary pallet reaches a bit further than a pot noodle. He can afford a slap up meal and in fact afford one for YOU toooo! 🙂  A few extra inches around his waist doesn’t matter. Like the saying goes, ‘A six pack, ain’t gonna pay the bills…and certainly isn’t going to love you more than a grown up.’

And my final bit of Boy vs Man dating bonanza-

A boy will break a girl into pieces. A man will pick up those pieces of put them back together with love. Make sure you pick the nice guy, over the bad boy. The saying that ‘good guys finish last’ is soooo 2001. Good guys finish last? Not with good girls they don’t. And you can always tell a good guy over a bad boy, if even the bad boy is simply only pretending to be bad. He’ll cry because he loves you. He’ll focus on what’s positive about you and always see the good in you, no matter what the circumstance is. He’ll ‘woo you,’ never give up on you, share his world, do love, do life and only with YOU. In the words of Beyonce…*perform booty pops here* he’ll certainly…’Put a ring on it.’  A boy will only see what’s negative about you and use that in order to make you feel of less worth, which makes him feel more powerful.

Now, we all, as girls and gays know all of the above to be true…and we all as girls and gays…forget this because we’re idiots at times. However, don’t fret,this is why I am here to remind you and give your heart a little refresher, as  I forget all of the above at times, over and over again. Well..i never fully forget my worth. But I do on occasion forget to be a lady. 🙂 It’s all about having faith in yourself and faith in love.

 

On a good note for me, I totally read that 80% of married men said that they would marry the same woman, if they had to do it all over again.

On a bad note for me, whilst I was stood on the train to Manchester yesterday, I saw this old man asleep on his seat on the train and snuggled into him, under his arm, like he was protecting her and upon his warm side was his wife, also asleep on the train. They looked so beautiful and so happy. Just at peace. I smiled because it was lovely, but then *sad faced* because i felt as though i’d never have that. 🙁

Luckily then a grump old woman, who certainly never experienced love stormed over to shout at the boy standing opposite me, who had apparently hit her with his umbrella… by accident. She was a complete cow to him to say he was so poshy-nice-nice and super apologetic. Apparently he should never do it again, or live simply because she could now be blind or something? Lol. What was her problem??

There’s so much love swirling around the world right now and yeah I want a piece of romance, a piece of hope, a piece of something. 🙁 Even Mark Wright’s engaged to Michelle Keegan….right now! Peter Andre’s having a baby with new love Emily. People are falling in love every second. I want to feel adored. 🙁 I just can’t think anymore and my head is filled with fuzz.

The good thing about these occasions is that today we can all take it out on the ridiculous Katie Hopkins, who was apparently on ‘This Morning’ again making a twit of herself, for the second time. What a misguided snob. I’m sure she’s just trying to be funny and make good telly. However, I believe there are distinct ways to work PR and although she certainly may be receiving attention, it’s definitely not of the right kind. 🙂