Payback’s a REAL BITCH

I’ve had a week’s blog break. My sincerest kitty apologies. However, technically, if I want a week’s blog break, I can pretty much take one. I guess, that’s the beauty of being Chrissie Wunna, in a world that is aptly named WUNNA Land. (So creative of me, I know. Really stretched far to think that one up.) I had the most wonderful weekend, filled with trips to London, dress fittings, new brand deals, interviews, good times, great friends, strangers, cocktail drinking, the Media Awards and then good old Yorkshire fun with my closest  chicas. (Well I say ‘Chicas,’ even though ‘Dipper’ and ‘Jonesez’ from the group are definitely boys. We kinda class them as girls, because they’re certainly having to exist in a world of Sasserillas, where their words don’t seem to count as much, as ours. Lol. Shush, they love it. It turns them on. They’re like the ‘Little Brother’s’ to a BIG GIRL group. Yet the BIG GIRLS are total bitches. Haha. I’m included in that. Yippeeeee!)

So yeah, I had a full on weekend and just needed to spend some time at home, after working all day. I just needed some time to simply enjoy resting up, recovering, tinkering with my hormones, indulging in a ‘no audience’ peace and more than anything, I just wanted to spend deliciously gorgeous Mama time with Ruby & Junior. We’re such a close little family and weirdly, when I have to tango off to go do awards, meetings, train journey’s or work, they just seem to understand and they’re only four and six. The fact that they understand makes me adore them even more, as nothing is worse than HAVING to go off and work hard to provide and in my case also ‘build brand,’ yet in the back of your mind, knowing that the people you care about the most don’t like it. It makes everything harder. Luckily, I’ve have ace kids and luckily I raised them to be ace. (Thank GOD for my MOTHER!) In the end, all will be PERFECT! I promise them that all the time. Lord knows how I’m actually going to pull perfect out of my glittery arse??? I’ve got my fingers crossed, so that works right?

BUT ANYWAY, i’m not going to tell you about the Diversity in Media Awards just yet, or my weekend of drinking games and dancing infront of mirrors with the girls before everyone puked…(that will come later, i’ve kinda got to get ready for work and i’m still sat in bed, butt naked, with a kitten on my left thigh.)

Yesterday, was a great day.

To be fair, I was kinda moody through it. Just throwing myself one of those jolly old ‘pity parties.’ I kept looking around me and thinking ‘Blllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.’ The air around me just felt dead, dull and well, if i’m being honestly….fucking boring. I can’t exist in an environment of that fashion. It needs to be bubbling with excitement… luxury….love……or just plain old laughter. Or wine? Wine works?

Two days ago, my chick friend ‘Hustle Barbie,’ let’s call her Hustle FUCKING Barbie. Has a more appropriate ring to it.

Anyway, she thought she would be ‘Hustle FUCKING Hilarious’ and go on my computer and SEND PEOPLE messages…. from me. Y’know, the awkward ‘shall we go on a date’ kinda ones and to people I didn’t really desire to go on any dates with. (I hate her.)

Ha…ha. (Not laughing.)

VERY CLEVER MY PRETTY.

Now, I knew that something had gone on, because as when I walked back in I could see her sniggering little blond ‘Hustle’ Face….so I left it and waited to fall down the trap door. I fell down the trap door. I got back up. Oooooooooooooh….I got back up!

YESTERDAY, was payback.

YOU DON’T MESS WITH WUNNA LAND.

This is what went down.

Right, so being little me, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to come up with something so MIGHTY, that it would devastate her, in the most appropriate comedic fashion. But I’m smart. I’m really smart.

My guy friend Jonesez, like myself AND Hustle Barbie to be fair, has a hideously inappropriate sense of HUMOUR and because he’s a BOY, he doesn’t have a *stop* button, he will commit to a prank like a HERO. That’s what boys do. They love to be HERO’s. He also has an Asian Girl Fetish…which again works in my favour.

YIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So, I go crying to Jonsez about how evil Hustle Barbie has been to me. *Wink.*

He feels sorry for me and therefore agrees to GET HER BACK.

‘Wunna…I LIVE for things like this.’

There’s this really delicious photo of Hustle Barbie that she hates, because she’s SUCKING A FINGER ON IT…Hahahahah….So, as a distraction…a lame distraction, I post that ‘sucky finger’ PHOTO on my Instagram, to make her think that her PAYBACK has been served and was simply completed via the fine art of public humiliation. Lol. (No such luck.)

In the meantime, Jonsez comes up with a plan and my job was to notify him of when Hustle was back in my eyeline.

I saw him photocopying LARGE prints of the ‘sucky finger’ photo. Hahahaha! I knew, payback was about to be performed.

Hustle returns to my eyeline.

A text is delivered.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, magical comedy fairies must have flown down from the skies with cheeky grins and rolls of red tape? We have no clue how? But let’s just say….

OPERATION PAYBACK HAD BEEN PERFORMED.

You don’t fuck with Wunna Land.

Image may contain: 2 people, car and outdoor

She drove all the way through Leeds and home, with this stuck onto the her car!

HA’ H’HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And it was stuck to her passenger side, so she didn’t even see it when she got into her car. DIZZY! DIZZY!

Genius.

Karma! Karma! (People honked. LOL.)

Hustle: ‘You’re DEAD WUNNA.’

 

Bubbling Opps & N**** Leapfrogging

I’m plate spinning. But jeeze! What can I do! I’m busy. I’m busy! But need to make sure that I’m getting somewhere and using my time on the things that matter. I’m enjoying it all. Yet getting bored of the mundane. I’m seeing the positive of everything, as it’s in my nature to, yet getting back in touch with my old friend…’Gut Instinct.

Things are going great! I’ve had bad news which i’ve counteracted with good news and the way I got good news was simply back dusting my little cheeky self off and hip hoppling straight back on that pony with a cocktail in my hand and an eye of determination.

I’m getting my stress rash…on my FACE! I’m getting that because i’ve not been as expressive as I need to me. I’m not voicing my opinion enough…which keeps things internal and well my body takes it out on me by giving me a face rash! SEXY TIMES!

All my friends keep popping up in my dreams…NAKED. Fairytale Blond was in it yesterday…with no clothes on, BUT she was leap frogging Double B, who was also naked and straddling???? And it wasn’t even a naughty dream. It was like Naked Leapfrog in Wunna Land was normal???

THEN last night I dreamt that one of my random guy friends, who’s certainly emotionally closed off, was walking around Wunna land, with a boner and hitting on me seductively??? I’m so confused.

Does this mean i’m horny? Or does this mean I’m nuts? You decide.

I spent the night with Ruby last night and we watched videos in bed together, as I have a busy day today and a busy evening of work, where i’ll have to dash out to Leeds.

I think with all that has gone on in Manchester, for a second it’s shocked us all, before it’s hit us. So, i didn’t want people to think that I didn’t care, about everything that was going on and that I was just blogging about my glittery, wonderful *dying of hard work* life..like everything was all about me and nothing else mattered.

I wouldn’t make a political comment of any sort. But I will make a ‘human’ comment and that is that I cannot even imagine what the families of those who have lost the lives of their children or loved ones must be going through…and being a Mum myself ….every piece of love from my soul goes out to you. Where I am in the world, we’re pretty much next door to Manchester…so it makes it scary and simply because it can happen anywhere and it’s something that we can’t control.

However, I believe my job on this planet isn’t to report the news of terror, but instead to look around me, see what’s going on and lift the spirits of those who need it…It’s what i’m good at and in my mind a strength.

Hustle Barbie went to see Spooky Sue last night and well, she told her that she was going to have a big change in her world, her love life, her home life, move abroad, have two children and that the clue was when she saw a Policeman. I’m excited!

All my chick friends, have now (no wait, Firmonnell hasn’t) seen Spooky Sue (our localish psychic) and I was going to go, yet after Double B told me it was shit, I didn’t. Fairytale,, Mel and Hustle Barbie, said it seemed great! So I should book in…when I have the time.

I’ve had some great readings and some dismal ones. So dismal, I could’ve been the psychic and they could’ve needed some life coaching. Lol. I used to have a ‘party boy’ guy friend in LA who used to pretend he was a psychic to pull girls on a night out outside The Abbey. Hilarious! He boned them every time.

When I did The Clothes Show, I actually got whisked behind a curtain by a little Essex talking, white haired lady, who plonked me down my a crystal ball and told me a few things about my past…WHICH NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW…(all the worst things, that she could see had happened to me) and then she told me about my future. At the time, what she said I just shrugged off. It was in December. But recently….what she said has exactly come true. I’ve met the person that she described. So there is magic in the air after all. But hey, we’ll give ‘Our Sue’ a go and see what she says about Wunna Land.

I like to just *pop up* on future tellers, as lots on Facebook and all over the land try to shimmie into my inbox, yet I always feel that they can simply read a few blogs, get a the low down and then tell me what I want to hear. The great thing about the Crystal Ball woman was that she told me something that NO ONE but my mum, then another thing that not even my MOTHER 🙂 knows about…well she looked in the ball, saw it and just said…

‘Y’know when……happened!

At that point she had me. I was hooked. She was sexy! I adore sexiness in anything….work, men, love, life….it just gives it that sprinkle of ‘ooh laa.’

Anyway, I’m looking for time off…I’m needing it. I’m needing to just be away from normal vibes and simply write, write write, bog, blog, blog, just for me…online and without looking at my insights. I started the blog because I loved writing a diary and I never want to lose that feeling. I never will. I’m great at staying in tune with that. But I do need a moment. I’m getting stressy. Lol.

I have new pictures, taken by the talented Clare Pritchard of clareprtichardphotography.co,uk coming out to you over the Bank Holiday weekend. I’m excited for you to see them! I think they are AMAZING! I can’t wait to go back in and shoot with her again. But yes, they come out this Bank Holiday.

I also start my new project in the first week of June…I can’t tell you anything about it…but it’s fun and I hope it all goes well. Lol. I have lots bubbling..and now only six minutes to get ready and get dressed for a day of work.

I have a really long day today, but i’ll smash it. xx

 

 

 

Is Everyone on Holiday & Willies?

Everyone is DEFINITELY on a *sunny sunny* holiday BUT ME! I’m in this place, that my rather glamourous chick friends and I have labelled ‘B City.’ It’s a terrible place (lol) of hard work, panic and now, now, now. It’s almost like running really fast on a treadmill, whilst people throw things at you, in heels…and without thre being some kind of glorified result at the end of it. Hahah! ‘B City’ JUST KEEPS GOING! It’s hilarious! *Selfie Here.*

I am certainly sure that I should be bobbing around with boobies, in a pool, on some inflatable flamingo lilo, with a fruity cocktail in my hand, sunglasses and as the blistering exotic sun beams down upon my kitty soul, to the peaceful sound of holiday.

But no..I’m working solid…in ‘B City’ without a paddle but a smile on my face. I mean, look on the bright side. I might not be sunning it up…and yes I am bitter about that. But at least I got to talk about willies for a good 4.2 minutes with ‘Hustle Barbie’ before six o clock.

‘I don’t like small willies.’

‘You can’t marry someone who has a small willy…’

‘But what if they do have a small willy, or are shit at sex?’

‘Well, I’m not 17. I’m thirty six, with a raging libido. Hahaha. I need to see the willy before I commit to doing forever…’

We smiles. We piss ourselves laughing. Life went on.

‘Cya!’

‘Bye!’

‘I’ve a great holiday!’

I adore girl banter. Maybe we girls should pay more attention to the hideous amount of ‘dick pics’ that litter out inbox? I always thought they were a nuisance. They ARE a massive nuisance and i’m an an open minded girl. But it’s only because i’ll be trying to email out a business plan and then some random stranger from Barnsley or wherever, will decide that i need to see his willy inbetween it all. I will have no clue who this human is…yet in his world ‘Chrissie Wunna’ needs to see a picture of his genitals. I really don’t. Yet, if I was smart, I would’ve used them for market research and created some ‘match your soul to the perfect willy’ dating app, for girls. 🙂

I will say that due to my *stamp* of what seems like forever, to the point where I might need to begin choosing the cats that i’m going to order when i’m a lonely 80 year old bat 😉  and still single in a cocktail bar because nobody can be bothered to adore me (do note, I’m only being dramatic, I’m still in a swirl) ….AND the fact that social media fame is labeling me as some kind of ‘eligible bachelorette.’ (Such a catch. 🙂 ) Anyway, all these dating sites are trying to get me to be the face of their ‘dating app’ campaign.

Now, I’m not an online dating fan. I say it all the time. I’ve done specific interviews on how much i dislike the process and I don’t mean when it comes to  chat. I’ve said it’s a great way to find people and get to know someone. Yet I dislike the whole ‘otherside’ to the Tinder/Happn bullshit.

I’m too old for it and unconventionally traditional when it comes to  ‘boy meets girl’ and they fall in love. I don’t wanna see or hear a ‘swipe right.’ It’s dull and robotic. I want that real ‘Knight in shining armour’ love that sweeps me off my feet uncontrollably, that poets have written about for centuries. (Wow. I am dramatic this morning.)

Can’t remember what I was on about now? Lol

Oh yeah…It’s just weird that so many Dating Sites are trying to hustle into Wunna Land with pay cheques and potential deals.Do notice that I haven’t done one yet! Meaning, that I do only chose to do the things that I ADORE. I won’t just sign up to whatever shit for a fee and a smile…but mainly because i’m so busy at work, wallowing in the art of ‘B City’ and with juggling life, that right now, I only have time for the things that I adore. If i said yes to everything…i’d probably be really rich and..well dead. Lol.

WHEN IS IT THE WEEKEND! UGH!

But no. When i have the opportunity to fit it all in. I will. 😉

So yes, as some of my chick friends…Oh and Webbo… head off to exotic lands, sunny sands, sunbathy diaries, filled with cocktailed nights of chill and good memories…I am still here…not on a flamingo lilo.

*Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

Have fun! Happy Wednesday!

Ps: Yesterday I learnt that some boys are bitchy. When did boys turn so Queeny? You’re dudes. Be men. Adore the girls that you’ve chosen to adore and do life your way. I heard loads of boys hating on other boys yesterday and it sounded really really…GIRLY. Don’t do it. Girls talk openly because we’re emotional and need that release. Women (and now i’m old, i’m a a total woman now) well we talk when it’s smart to…as we never feel insecure enough to hate. We’re grown. That’s the difference between boys and men, I guess also?

Booty Bum Bursts!

Today was the day when I must have *bent over* without a  kitty care in the world and the ENTIRE BACK SEAM of my dress *RIPPED* open, presenting the *WUNNA BOOTY* to all the land! 🙂

Hurrah! Booties for everyone!

As if i’ve managed to get so fat…Well I like to say ‘Playground’ because I heard it on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ being used as a term for ‘Being Bootilicious’…But yes, now it’s official… I am absolutely TOO ‘BOOTY’ to wear a pencil dress. You want a Kardashian Bum? You go to Greggs and have a sausage roll and latte EVERY FLIPPING DAY and you’ll own a *booty,* SO BUSTING, that it makes like the ‘Incredible Juicy Hulk’ and glamourously *bursts* out of your pencil dress like it’s Beyonce.

I literally had my bum out all day, because I couldn’t be arsed (excuse my pun) to buy a new dress. I’ve done worse. A bit of bum cheek is fine. 😉 I was infact, the least shocked… out of the entire bunch..and it was MY ASS that was out.

Oh but let me tell you….

What did my ‘ride or die’ glammy chick friends do? Offer me support? Love? Remedies to my problem?

No…

They fucking pointed, laughed out loud, called me a dickhead and showed everybody my freshly ripped *booty peek* whilst snaphatting it!

Me: ‘What? I can’t see anything??’

‘Honestly! Chrissie! The back of your dress is flapped open… like a hospital gown! Hahahahaha!’

‘Is it THAT BAD? Have I got good knickers on?’

‘Yeah, they’re black lace. Hahah!’

I will say that Mel did offer me a moment of…

‘Safety pins? Shall we safety pin or staple you back up? Shit…I don’t have any? Sorry lol.’

Then just to keep things moving, I attempted to make fun of ‘Hot Sarah’ for no real reason really..and she shot it back with a..

‘You can’t make fun of my face when you’re in an ass out dress.’

‘Whatever! Everyone will be doing it tomorrow.’

I was totally like that ‘whatcha m’call her’ chick from ‘Mean Girls’ with the nipple shirt. I ROCKED my ‘ass out‘ pencil dress.

I mean, GOD ‘Webbo‘ and ‘The King of the North’ didn’t seem to mind and I used Webbo’s window as a mirror.

‘I honestly can’t see anything! Can you? Is my bum out?’

They invited such ‘jiggery pokkery’ into their world, with love, Bromantic ‘you’ll not have your Portugal body,‘ hugs and a bottle of Archers in their hands.

Then ‘the new boy’ started singing Ed Sheran songs and telling me that he has a pet bunny….(yes, you heard.) He then went on to explain that he saved his girlfriend from a dodgy life in Hull and dragged her to a dodgy life… just outside of Bradford. Lol.

Me: ‘A bunny? That’s…I’m pretending to be nice. That is actually really weird! LOL.’

All was dandy, all was well and then ‘Feisty Gem’ makes the executive decision to wear white ‘bowling shoes’ with her very dark tights…which caused me to panic a little.

*Panic.Panic.* It’s like acid to the eyes.*

Especially when i’m in my Specsaver Specs. (I’m waiting for my contact lenses to arrive.) Right now I have EXTRA DOUBLE STRENGTH VISION! It’s intense. But, *applause* to her, as  I did laugh at her naughty sassiness today, even though she committed to poor shoe choices.

‘You’re like the naughty rebellious one.’

Then ‘Double B’ piped in with a shake of ‘diva’ and a dazzle of  ferocity, as she was deliciously misheard by Firmonell…

Double B: ‘How rude was that guy! Don’t talk to me like that! GOD! I want to march down there and flick him on his fucking nose.’

Firmonnell: ‘Ewwwwwwwwww! You’re vile.’

Firmonnell thought that Double B had suggested she would *punish* the rude talking male by not ‘flicking‘ his nose, but ‘FUCKING’ his nose. Lol.

‘I said FLICKING!!!! WHY WOULD I EVER TREAT HIM TO THAT!’

As IF the ‘not flicking‘ would EVER be a treat!!! ABSOLUTELY DYING! Being a boy SUCKS. Being a girl is Wunnaful! (‘Wunnaful‘ is a state that surpasses the fine art of something feeling WONDERFUL.)

Then Mel started moderately describing a human, in her natural sassy downgrady but lovey‘ way, to the ‘King of The North,’ who is about to be forced off the Island….

Mel: ‘I mean, I’ve met her… She’s alright, but she’s just hard faced…Y’know, a bit abrupt, tells it how it is…She’s a bit grumpy…WAIT! I’VE JUST DESCRIBED MYSELF!’

King of the North, ‘Chrissie! Bend over again!’

Y’know, today was all about fun. It was bubbled with naughty laughter and was shimmied about in BANTER. You’ve got to have a charming wink of ‘chitter’ in your soul. It’s a weapon I mean, I ADORE a delicious ‘banter trifle,’ where humour kicks in and uncensored wording flies out.  It’s cheeky, it’s naughty. It’s flirty. It’s fun! More than anything it makes life so much more worthwhile. You need those moments in’life,’ as they help keep your spirit alive. Your spirit is that *magic* that radiates from you when you laugh out loud, or your eyes smile, or you surrender into a ‘love swirl.’ It’s your spirit that is attractive to someone like me. I like to feel a chemistry,

(‘Hot Sarah’ …who i now want to name ‘Hustle Barbie’ has just sent me a Snapchat. It’s of her… with her big fluffy cat…and with the ‘teddy leopard ear’ filter! Haha! Love it! Almost as hilarious as ‘Fairytale Blond’ with the  Yorkshire Terrier *plonked* on her head. Lol. Wow! It must be so weird being a blond! 🙂 )

On the whole…

I know some really great people and hopefully i’ll know them forever. Yet if i don’t…i’ll always remember this chapter of my life….

Lady Shizzle: ‘Something tells me that you’re moving onto better times Chrissie… I know it. This is your year…’

 

 

 

Jeffrey! Jeffrey!

‘Jeffrey! Get them OFF our land!’

‘Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Set the DOGS on them! The Hooligans!’

(Hope you did that in your poshest British twang.)

Oh my LORD, did Firmonnell and I PISS ourselves laughing at the fact that we were going to send our friends, our glamourous dainty ‘Hot Sarah’ (who looks like a posh Barbie) friends, to places where in which they were either going to be quite heavily verbally abused, shot at OR eaten by  actual hound dogs!

HAHAHAH!

So funny! Nearly died! I love Firmonnell. It was just the moment when we looked at each other, flung back our heads with utter glee and OUT LOUD  uncontrollably SCREAMED with LAUGHTER at the fact that our friends could potentially be EATEN BY DOGS because we had guided them to the exact incorrect places. LOL! ND JUST FOR KICKS!

Then we got interupted by the ‘King of the North,’ which we didn’t mind, as we al love a bit of boy banter..

Firmonnell: ‘You should sit with us more often.’

ANYWAY, the ‘King of the North,’ is young, very stylish and happily married with 12 chihuahuas gent….and when he gets home, after his long day of ‘doing his hair‘ his WIFE has a red wine AND a gin and tonic freshly prepared FOR HIM, INCASE he fancies a drink. Being a guy, he apparently never wants EITHER and only ever asks for a ‘PEACH CORDIAL.’

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Firmonnell: ‘A PEACH FUCKING CORDIAL! THAT IS THE CAMPEST CHOICE OF CORDIAL EVER!’

We all pissed ourselves laughing WITH him, not at him and then Hot Sarah and I (as girls do) discussed his marriage…But not infront of him…as we’re far more polite than that. 🙂 Totally behind his back. Lol.

Luckily for him, it was in utter admiration. So let’s not get it twisted.

After a brief debate we came up with the fact that…’Hot Sarah’ thinks it’s cute that he has a beautiful wife, who waits for him, longs for him and serves him appropriately.

I think it’s a CLEVER that he picked so well…I mean, who has a wife that is that doting??? Who has a wife that yearns for their husbands arrival?  Well done him for picking well, blagging how great he is, or training well. LOL.

Then we both *paused* and after I shouted..

‘BUT I SAID PEACH CORDIAL GODDAMMIT…’

…we realised that INSTEAD of wishing that we were The King of the North’s WIFE, we both looked at each other and said,

‘I wish I had a guy that looked after ME that well.’ Lol.

I’ve decided..This is an executive Wunna Land decision…

I’m gonna pick WELL next time.

I mean JEEZE, us girls by nature always end up being all lovely and sacrificey and it’s cute because it’s in our nature to nurture.

However, to the ones of us, that are constantly working busy days, long hours, or building empires…we kinda want a guy to step in, sweep us off our feet and simply look after US for once. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!

I’ve never dated a guy that has been able to do that…aside from one…(Oh! And London Business Man would, if I chose to be with him. Yet, I’m not so sure that I could bank on him being there for the long run.)

HOWEVER, when it comes to love, I’m more traditional than most tend to believe. The only thing that is different, is that I work hard and have ambitious goals.So someone who understands my world, my passion, will win me, won’t they? And I know that sounds one sided but it’s not, as I’m a girl who understands the work load, ambition and love of ANY guy. So in that area emotionally, I KNOW, I’m sorted, as I know me well.

I mean gosh, I used to have these actors boyfriends who had to fly away for months on end to film movies, for work. I get it. Yet, with chicks, it’s weird. GUYS never get it, we either compromise greatly, or have to drop a zillion *hints* before they tune in. Lol.

But yes, I’m looking for a team mate to do forever with, more than I am ‘just some guy.’

Mel was hilarious today, as I found out that she finally gave her Valentines Day card to her new ‘love swirl’ who is still making her *beam* with excitement.

It was hilarious, because she bought him TWO cards, one sweet, one mushyish, exactly like she said she would, a week ago….She’s certainly ‘swirled’ over and cares about him madly. Yet she didn’t want to come across all ‘lovey dovey’ via Valentines cards just yet, so she bought a funny ‘i like you’ kinda card. 🙂

‘Chrissie. Honestly. I thought the card was BLANK on the inside. But i’ve opened it, to write it and it said….I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!’

We both pissed ourselves laughing at her distress. But any normal girl would just go with it. But no…Mel (lol) went with…

‘I thought about covering it up, sticking something over it, cutting it out…ALL SORTS. Even just crossing it out!’

HAHAHAHA!

‘Mel, you can’t just send someone a Valentines cards and CROSS OUT, the *I LOVE YOU* part! Lol. I love that you thought that was acceptable!’ HAHAHAH!

By this point, I was literally dying with laughter, as she ate millionaires shortbread and continued telling me the story via whispers.

Anyway, she came up with a solution, where in which she ever so romantically wrote him a fairytale, about how they met…using the ‘I LOVE YOU SO MUCH’ words on the card (it basically went through their love story and stated that she was a twat for picking a card that ended up being so mushy Lol) and when she told me the story, I looked at her and she was beaming.

It’s always about how ‘beaming’ this guy makes her feel. It’s magical and even more so, because by nature Mel is NOT someone who is openly ‘wooey.’ Yet you get little snippest of her softness, when you watch her and she thinks your not looking. Her daughter Alex walked by me today, all pretty, sassy and hilarious and Mel was the sweetest Mum ever…yet dashed in fun. It was great.

But today showed me how romantic she was, how happy she was and how fucking HILARIOUS she was!

YOU can’t CROSS OUT ‘I love you‘ in a Valentines card, because you’re not ready to say it yet. LOL

Men should always say it first. (If you do, that’s your quickest route to extra blow jobs. Be smart.)

I would be the smoothest guy on the planet. God! I mean you hear these horror stories of guys who just don’t get it! Love isn’t that hard, it’s just two compatible people who promise to take care and look out for one another, because their ‘magic’ can’t help it.

Everyone keeps asking me about my love life. I’m still single, nothing is happening…and i’m CASUALLY on the look out.

I was talking to these little tiny boys in a dark alley way tonight, who were being all sweary at passing by folk and trying to ‘play naughty’ when people walked by them.

It was funny because when I actually stopped to stand by them, as it was chucking it down and I didn’t want to get wet. I started talking to them and 3 minutes after their naughty ‘get ya tits out, fuck this ‘ banter had stopped…and I gave them ‘Wunna’ advice…they were hilarious and sort of sweet.

I was asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up and teaching them that chick hate it when you talk shit to them, when you really mean something else. You’d think by looking at the scruffs, that they’d be total dickheads, but they weren’t, they were actually super soft and all lovey dovey. Lol.

Then I walked off because I got bored and the rain had stopped…:)

They told me how ‘sexy’ I was as I left. Then tried to make me bum them cigs. I just looked, laughed, reminded them of how old they were…and then said,

‘Look…if I was sixteen and wanted a cig, I would’ve already managed to bum one myself. Quit trying to make other people get you what you want, because you’re too scared to try.’ 

‘He fancies you…’

‘Doesn’t everyone..’

HAHAHA! And that’s how I left it. Lol