Hormonally Imbalanced Banter

Today was about business and banter. I don’t know what happened, but it was a rainy day in Yorkshire. I was stood outside in my grey pencil dress and faux fur wondering where everyone had got to? One had slept through the alarm, another needed to get cake, the other was ill and Firmonnell decided to take 300 years to go buy milk…

Me: ‘Why has it taken you so long to get milk?’

Firmonnell: ‘I got pants too…’

(She was sassy today…in her slutty specs.)

Then it all went the best way we like it…downhill..as we surrendered to fun and just went with ‘fuck it.’ Sometime s’fuck it’ is such a good option, as we as humans spend so much time being far too serious and far too serious playing ‘game and front’ that we forget to just relax and just adore all that is happening to us in love and work.

I’m a fun girl and in my world, I think there’s ALWAYS TIME for a giggle, ALWAYS TIME for a joke and always time for a champagne and to dance on tables. Even for just a minute…there’s time for a moment of adventure.. always. Be it calm, saucy, busy or hilarious. If you can’t make time for a moment, then you’re doomed, because life will come and post you a ‘shoulda coulda’ memo…and they’re always shit.

Live now. Embrace all the wonderful changes that are happening to you. Make porn out of Jelly Babies and send it to the guy you fancy. (I 100 percentage absolutely did that today. 🙂 I’m such a catch. Obvs! But whatever, I told you, i’m living like i have nothing to lose and this guy is literally the man of my dreams. I like him…A LOT.)

Then all my chick friends decided to either be on a period, endure the week before they get their period or just be period. You’ve got to love chicks when we’re hormonally imbalanced. It’s sassy, it’s sexy…it’s almost fucked up. Lol.

Then went on rants. Rants SO good that there were moments where we were literally all just looking at each other and CRYING with laughter.

Double B: ”Honestly, I could smoke a cigarette and stab it out in his eyes..’

 ‘All i want to do is cry…What’s wrong with me??’

Hustle Barbie: ‘You have to marry your best friend. I mean god! That’s why I HATE him…because i went for someone that I was just relatively attracted to. We don’t even get on Lol..Oh.. and my cat has friends.’

Me: I’m totally in a swirl. I totally send him nudes.’

Double D: ‘Do you want some of this…’

Me: What!! Half eaten disgusting cheesecake! Don’t try and offer me half eaten shit.’

Mel: I hate the word gusset!!! I have mine the the wrong way around today!’

‘You need to try and get that Monday off so you can get away…’

Double B: ‘He can suck my wad!’

Fairytale Blond: ‘Ive Facebooked her. Guess what colour hair she has?

Firmonnell: ‘Blond’

Double B: ‘Green.’

Me: ‘Ginger.’

Firmonnell: BLOND!

Double B: ‘GREEN!’

Me: ‘ I said, GINGER.’

Fairtayle: No, it’s brown…’

Me: ‘Why does that whole conversation feel pointless? Lol’

Hustle Barbie: ‘Why is it that I can’t tell a story without doing the voices.’

‘Not the voices…’

‘Yours start out Irish and then always end Indian.’

Webbo: ‘I was almost late today because I was playing hide and seek with the kids. I just thought they just better hurry up and FIND ME, cos i’ve got to chuffing get to work.’

‘She’s definitely an alcoholic.’

Firmonnel: ‘I think it’s odd that you and Jordan share clothes?? Liek you shouldn’t share clothes with your boyfriend. We’re you in his jacket today?’

Double B: ‘I’ll come home and he’s in my leggings.’

‘You can’t sit with us, we’re models.’

‘I kicked off the last time i went Karting, as I didn’t want to wear the helmet.’

‘Hahaha….I love it. Proper Diva.’

That was how the morning began until it just got boring and I spent the day messaging ‘the swirl’ because i’m all ‘nothing to lose,’ was completely on top of all business and well I just find him delicious. I can’t help it.

Glad you had a good one…

Why haven’t you followed me on Instagram?

chrissiewunna

Ps/ My chicks friends are currently on Whatsapp discussing the words ‘MOIST…MUSHROOM & CRUSTY!’ 

 

 

 

But where will it land? ;)

Friday was AWESOME. I had the busiest week of business work this, business work that…There were make ups, break ups, good news, the end of struggles, winners, losers and re *pop ins* by our favourite ‘Gingerbell.’ I actually began Friday by sending ‘my swirl’  a morning message, which produced a reply that made my eyes smile…(HE IS AMAZING)…then as I was wondering around with a glammy skip in my step and a glint in my eye, I sort of bounced into  ‘Double D’ doing a cry, because his girlfriend whopped out the..

‘…we’re just going in different directions’ line. 🙁

I hugged him…and then made him make everyone a brew. Lol. (I’m shit like that. 🙂 )

Me: ‘Have you texted her and talked to her about it all? She could change her mind?’

Firmonnell: ‘Don’t text her. It’s good that you leave it, so she has chance to miss you.’

Yet away from that..it was really great to see the end of Friday approaching and simply *WHACK* on the radio, sing a long to some old school tunes and indulge in Wunna Land GIRL BANTER, with my favourite chick sidekicks, in all of the land.

I always tell you, that we’re all glamourous, all sassy, all DIFFERENT, all ages, yet we all seem to have the same DISTURBING sense of humour. I love a laugh. I am a laugh and when it all turns inappropriate with a…

‘You’re not gonna let him actually CUM IN you, are ya!!!’

We all armed up, got our giggle heels on and WENT FOR IT…and when we go for it…WE ARE AWFUL…because only WE FIND IT FUNNY…

(If you’re about to head to Church…I apologize for the rest of this blog…’)

Me: ‘Boys just don’t CUM IN YOU, you idiot. They’re more cautious these days…They don’t do it, unless they want to make a baby…’

‘They might assume you’re on something when you’re not and just go for it.’

(Dipper randomly walks down and finds himself thrown into our conversation….and with a…

‘The banter down here is AMAZING. I might need to drill a hole through my floor to see and hear you all! But yeah, it’s really hard to not CUM in a girl when you’re in the moment.’

Me: ‘Drill a hole in your floor. HAHAHA! That’s the perviest thing ever! As IF you want a perv cam, so you an just hear about us talk about sex…’

Gingerbell: ‘So what’s going on with you Chrissie? You’ve always got news…I’ve been really boring and sensible…I went to the Doctors and he asked if I was pregnant. Lol. A FUCKING CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING…lol.’

Dipper: ‘Yeah, I wanna hear it…I’m married I never get any…Lol.’

Fairytale Blond, *BLUSH/BLUSH/BLUSH*

Double B: ‘I DID TELL HIM THAT I WILL SUCK A DICK IF HE GETS ME MY…’

Firmonnell: ‘Ooh i’m excited! I have date night tonight! AND every week now I come onto Big D…’

(I love Firmonnell for that, as Big D…who is her husbands… expressed how it’d be nice for HER to ‘sass’ on up to HIM once in a while, instead of him coming on to her…She listened…she smiled…and every week she now hits forwardly on her man, without him initiating the ‘ooh’ and they get busy…the good old fashioned way. 😉  THAT IS HOT!)

Fairytale Blond then read a not so expressive text…and simply replied with an ..

‘ok.’

Hahahaha!

Then and because it was FRIDAY we took it upon ourselves to play a game. Previous games we’ve played have been called, ‘Bitch or Booked?’

Friday’s game was called…

‘Where will it LAND?’

Oh my LORD, the funniest time we have had in ages…We were literally crying in stitches, as we all decided to place bets on where any cum will land on a being who was about to have sex! DYING.

Me: Tits! £3 on Tits.

Gingerbell: £3 on tummy

Fairytale Blond *BLUSH*

Double B: Belly button There’s nothing like a belly button cum shot.’

People even WHATSAPPED IN with bets, as banter got that stupid! Lol

Mel: ‘FACE’

Prince Jonny: ‘Hair.’

Double D: My life savings on ALL IN.

Me: You don’t have any life savings????’

I mean who needs the fucking Grand National! Where will it land? A much better wager. Lol.

Then Gingerbell, who i’ve missed goes out of her way to mention that she would probably DO ANYTHING for £25,000, if it wasn’t Illegal. So we obviously got distracted and started giving her options…(Gingers are saucy.)

‘Would yooooooou….Take two…………..’

‘Would yooooooou……’

(Ill let you fill in the blanks. 🙂 We were far too disturbing on all sorts levels. It got so bad, we had to stop playing.But on the up, we obviously have very vivid imaginations. Hahah! It’s a plus. Honest!)

Double B, then decided to inform me that there’s some middle aged lady who can’t stop orgasming ALL OF THE TIME, because it’s an illness.

‘No, like literally…just can’t stop orgasming. I don’t mean needs sex all the time. I mean, she’ll be at the shop and just randomly start orgasming. Lol’

Then I enlightened the bunch by sharing my ‘no cum in mouth’ blowjob technique.

Double B: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

‘Me: ‘It’s the anticipation that terrifies me…I’m gonna cum….i’m gonna cum….i’m gonnna…*&$*”*’

Gingerbell: ‘It’s at the point where you just need to gulp! Don’t think. Just gulp.’

Me: Lol. Don’t be silly. I do that sly wanky off/ sucky thing, when they’ve ‘merried’ in our mouth, yet you sneakily let it run out the side of your mouth, without them noticing and pretend you’ve swallowed it. LOL.

That was Friday.

Today…I have lunch and cocktails.

I have THE BEST CHICK FRIENDS EVER. I mean, sometimes you just need a giggle, a banter, a bit of free chat in the name of utter humour, in order to keep you all ALIVE. It keeps you from going stale. Keeps the air around you juicy. AND makes you feel like you’re living instead of simply JUST existing.

The best thing about that banter…wasn’t the fact that we were being mucky for kicks…it was the LAUGHTER, the happiness, the magic, the atmosphere, the energy, the hilarity and the smiles on our faces as we threw our heads back in absolute fits of GIGGLES.

I have GREAT CHICK FRIENDS.

 

 

 

Booty Bum Bursts!

Today was the day when I must have *bent over* without a  kitty care in the world and the ENTIRE BACK SEAM of my dress *RIPPED* open, presenting the *WUNNA BOOTY* to all the land! 🙂

Hurrah! Booties for everyone!

As if i’ve managed to get so fat…Well I like to say ‘Playground’ because I heard it on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ being used as a term for ‘Being Bootilicious’…But yes, now it’s official… I am absolutely TOO ‘BOOTY’ to wear a pencil dress. You want a Kardashian Bum? You go to Greggs and have a sausage roll and latte EVERY FLIPPING DAY and you’ll own a *booty,* SO BUSTING, that it makes like the ‘Incredible Juicy Hulk’ and glamourously *bursts* out of your pencil dress like it’s Beyonce.

I literally had my bum out all day, because I couldn’t be arsed (excuse my pun) to buy a new dress. I’ve done worse. A bit of bum cheek is fine. 😉 I was infact, the least shocked… out of the entire bunch..and it was MY ASS that was out.

Oh but let me tell you….

What did my ‘ride or die’ glammy chick friends do? Offer me support? Love? Remedies to my problem?

No…

They fucking pointed, laughed out loud, called me a dickhead and showed everybody my freshly ripped *booty peek* whilst snaphatting it!

Me: ‘What? I can’t see anything??’

‘Honestly! Chrissie! The back of your dress is flapped open… like a hospital gown! Hahahahaha!’

‘Is it THAT BAD? Have I got good knickers on?’

‘Yeah, they’re black lace. Hahah!’

I will say that Mel did offer me a moment of…

‘Safety pins? Shall we safety pin or staple you back up? Shit…I don’t have any? Sorry lol.’

Then just to keep things moving, I attempted to make fun of ‘Hot Sarah’ for no real reason really..and she shot it back with a..

‘You can’t make fun of my face when you’re in an ass out dress.’

‘Whatever! Everyone will be doing it tomorrow.’

I was totally like that ‘whatcha m’call her’ chick from ‘Mean Girls’ with the nipple shirt. I ROCKED my ‘ass out‘ pencil dress.

I mean, GOD ‘Webbo‘ and ‘The King of the North’ didn’t seem to mind and I used Webbo’s window as a mirror.

‘I honestly can’t see anything! Can you? Is my bum out?’

They invited such ‘jiggery pokkery’ into their world, with love, Bromantic ‘you’ll not have your Portugal body,‘ hugs and a bottle of Archers in their hands.

Then ‘the new boy’ started singing Ed Sheran songs and telling me that he has a pet bunny….(yes, you heard.) He then went on to explain that he saved his girlfriend from a dodgy life in Hull and dragged her to a dodgy life… just outside of Bradford. Lol.

Me: ‘A bunny? That’s…I’m pretending to be nice. That is actually really weird! LOL.’

All was dandy, all was well and then ‘Feisty Gem’ makes the executive decision to wear white ‘bowling shoes’ with her very dark tights…which caused me to panic a little.

*Panic.Panic.* It’s like acid to the eyes.*

Especially when i’m in my Specsaver Specs. (I’m waiting for my contact lenses to arrive.) Right now I have EXTRA DOUBLE STRENGTH VISION! It’s intense. But, *applause* to her, as  I did laugh at her naughty sassiness today, even though she committed to poor shoe choices.

‘You’re like the naughty rebellious one.’

Then ‘Double B’ piped in with a shake of ‘diva’ and a dazzle of  ferocity, as she was deliciously misheard by Firmonell…

Double B: ‘How rude was that guy! Don’t talk to me like that! GOD! I want to march down there and flick him on his fucking nose.’

Firmonnell: ‘Ewwwwwwwwww! You’re vile.’

Firmonnell thought that Double B had suggested she would *punish* the rude talking male by not ‘flicking‘ his nose, but ‘FUCKING’ his nose. Lol.

‘I said FLICKING!!!! WHY WOULD I EVER TREAT HIM TO THAT!’

As IF the ‘not flicking‘ would EVER be a treat!!! ABSOLUTELY DYING! Being a boy SUCKS. Being a girl is Wunnaful! (‘Wunnaful‘ is a state that surpasses the fine art of something feeling WONDERFUL.)

Then Mel started moderately describing a human, in her natural sassy downgrady but lovey‘ way, to the ‘King of The North,’ who is about to be forced off the Island….

Mel: ‘I mean, I’ve met her… She’s alright, but she’s just hard faced…Y’know, a bit abrupt, tells it how it is…She’s a bit grumpy…WAIT! I’VE JUST DESCRIBED MYSELF!’

King of the North, ‘Chrissie! Bend over again!’

Y’know, today was all about fun. It was bubbled with naughty laughter and was shimmied about in BANTER. You’ve got to have a charming wink of ‘chitter’ in your soul. It’s a weapon I mean, I ADORE a delicious ‘banter trifle,’ where humour kicks in and uncensored wording flies out.  It’s cheeky, it’s naughty. It’s flirty. It’s fun! More than anything it makes life so much more worthwhile. You need those moments in’life,’ as they help keep your spirit alive. Your spirit is that *magic* that radiates from you when you laugh out loud, or your eyes smile, or you surrender into a ‘love swirl.’ It’s your spirit that is attractive to someone like me. I like to feel a chemistry,

(‘Hot Sarah’ …who i now want to name ‘Hustle Barbie’ has just sent me a Snapchat. It’s of her… with her big fluffy cat…and with the ‘teddy leopard ear’ filter! Haha! Love it! Almost as hilarious as ‘Fairytale Blond’ with the  Yorkshire Terrier *plonked* on her head. Lol. Wow! It must be so weird being a blond! 🙂 )

On the whole…

I know some really great people and hopefully i’ll know them forever. Yet if i don’t…i’ll always remember this chapter of my life….

Lady Shizzle: ‘Something tells me that you’re moving onto better times Chrissie… I know it. This is your year…’

 

 

 

Don’t Mess With A Brother & His Chicken

‘Hey? Are you by yourself? Lol. What you never know? So what’s the plan today?’

The next morning in Manchester had sprung and before I had even managed to roll over in my fresh white Macdonald  Manchester Hotel sheets and rub my kitten eyes…my phone was already throwing Tuesday at me with a ‘Hurry the glamourous fuck up…’

It was snowing outside my executive suite windows, in Manchester that day! I nibbled on ‘Welcome Chrissie’ chocolates that had been left in my room, I dipped into the warmest most bubbliest bath…I LOVE A BUBBLE BATH in hotel rooms, as it’s means I must have ‘chill time.’ Showers are for rushy times and even though ‘rushy times’ are great, because they wave the flag for ‘busy,’ which means opportunity is in the palm of your hands…Nothing to me is better than those moments where you look after yourself….in bubbles…with massages….with love…or with a fresh cocktaily treat. That one moment sorts you out for the rest of the ‘dash.’

Then there was mad grooming, hair clipping, pouting, slefies, (…I mean selfies…) snapchats, last minute room checks, the gathering of goods and as I shot down out the door, down FIVE flights of stairs (I didn’t take the elevator), with a warmth, a smile and a ‘Thank you so much, you guys have been amazing,‘ I checked out my the Macdonald Manchester, swung through the revolving glass doors and WALKED to the train station (that’s why I stay there, as you can chill in bed longer and take warm baths, simply because it is moments away from your train…) and before you know it…BOOM, I was headed back to Leeds…followed by a train to Xscape, to meet good friend Abeiku Arthur (who owns the High Fashion ‘House of Solo’ Magazine) to grab lunch… and well fill him in on a  quick mountain of gossip…that I KNEW he was going to try and cleverly drill out of me.

So, I was stood outside Xscape in Castleford, it was Tuesday…and I saw him strolling up, so with the biggest smile and the loudest shout and maybe even a joyous booty dance, to not rub MY ACE LIFE in his face… I glamourously yelped…melodically ofcourse,

‘I SAW STEVEN BARTTTTTTLEEEEETT! I SAW STEVEN BARTTTLLEEET.’

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He grinned with pride…we sort of *knuckled punched* a greeting and ran into Nandos to chow down on a bit of Peri Peri Chicken (Extra Hot) with a side of ‘catch up’ banter.

Big A: ‘Are you getting extra hot?’

Me: ‘Dude, I’m ethnic. I do extra hot.’

Now, in life…I’ve swanned around some of the most glamourous lunch spots that the world has to offer, with tiny plated savory treats, that is misted with flavours of  five star dining…BUT sometimes a chicks just got to sit with a brother and smash a bit of grilled chicken with hot sauce.

‘So, go on then…what happened at Social Chain…’

‘Everything they’re amazing. I was there for about an hour and a half…and yeah I definitely want to work with them.. I definitely fancy Steve and Katie is great…’

‘What’s Steve like then? Is he really all that or is it..?’

‘I’ve got a blog coming on this…’ (That moment where you don’t tell you friends things so that they HAVE to read your blog. :))

‘Do you want chips?’

‘Yeah, Peri ones…I’m getting a wine too…’

‘Aww, grab us a cider…You know that I met that chick from Vogue at Fashion week right…So what’s Steve like then….’

Then we smashed Peri Chicken and chips, guzzled wine, laughed about life and how it makes paths cross. (Remember at the end of last year, I told ‘House of Solo’ that I would get to meet Steve at Social Chain…AND I DID IT. Lol) We talked career, business, the future. I told him where I was headed with Chrissiewunna.com, he’s developing ‘House of Solo’ better than expected now. I mean GOD, you can buy your copy in the Eurostar VIP section, as you’re travelling to Paris fashion week…that’s a great new step. (And I don’t mind rambling on about it because I’M IN IT. BUY THE SPRING EDITION NOW! Lol)

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Then I suggested that we roll on to Burgers & Cocktails and grab a few drinks. Well I said ‘just one…’ But we know how that nifty slogan pans out…:)

Plus, I Love ‘STILL DAYTIME’ cocktails. They often feel funner than nighttime cocktails and we had a lot to chat about.

Lord knows what happened. But I ended up smashing 4 …’with sixty percent proof’ bits…’Flaming Mon’s,’ that had flamed flying out of my passion fruit and all sorts. I’m surprised naked dancing man didn’t pop out of my drink and slap my booty. It was a fruity tooty show piece.

I guess, people are similar to the cocktail that they choose to drink, or it depicts your mood. ‘House of Solo’ had a shandy. A Red Stripe Shandy. (An improvement on the ‘evening before’s’ company who simply drank water. Lol. Yet, Come on now…let’s jazz this up a bit…FUCKING RED STRIPE SHANDY with a ‘Can I have more lemonade please.’

We got the best seat in the house, which if you are following this blog, you will know that the BEST seat is wherever I’M sitting 🙂 and it’s referred to as the ‘Power table.’ Lol. In this case, it was AWESOME because we chose to not face each other and instead have seats that where onlooking the passerbys through a big glass window. We watched every single one of you and made up our own renditions of how your life goes..:) and mainly because we’re bastards. Lol. But whatever, I had had a bunch of cocktails by this point and was sneaky phone charging, so the staff couldn’t see.

We BELLY LAUGHED at life, he talked fashion, I talked Social Chain…He stupidly believes that there are actually still VIRGINS over the age of 20 in Castleford. *DYING WITH LAUGHTER HERE*

‘What the fuck are you on about? She’s not a virgin. Virgin’s are like UNICORNS…they don’t really exist…only in your deluded mind.’

Big A: ‘When I was in college in Castleford, this girl asks me out, and I thought it was weird because she asked if she could *start seeing me* and I didn’t know what that meant…cos in Africa, well…we’d just…’

(Then he does a mucky face with laughter. Lol. Do note that ‘Big A’ is African…and moved fresh from those exotic lands to Castleford. Lol.)

‘So why is it that men of the African Variety like chicks with booty?’ (As in a good bum and curvy bits…not as in what Pirates find in treasure chests.)

‘Well it’s all we see there and yeah I love a curvy girl. A big girl. That’s why it’s weird that I do High Fashion, as I have to see creative beauty in chicks that I don’t fancy at all…’

‘Why are guys scared to approach me..?’

‘Cos you’re Chrissie Wunna…’

‘No I mean really? Like really… You KNOW ME…Would you personally be scared to ask me out, if you fancied me…?

‘YES.’

Then we both PISSED OURSELVES LAUGHING, I recieved zero love life help and then out of the blue like the world had popped ‘crazy pills’ of joy, ‘House of Solo’ JUMPS UP with excitement and screeches, in his Big Black man voice…

‘Nando’s has liked our Tweet!!!!’

Honestly, it was like the world had decided to fuck up and chose us to be The Gods, for the rest of your time here on Earth.

I looked at him *blank*…not quite getting why he was that excited?

This is a guy who has VOGUE ‘like’ his work and that doesn’t phase him. Yet Nandos’ likes ONE TWEET..and he’s up in arms, screaming and shouting at how Nandos is so much bigger than Vogue and he needs to screenshot the ‘like‘ and post it everywhere. Lol.

Now, not to blow my own pink trumpet or anything 😉 But, I’m quite used to brands ‘liking’ stuff that I do. 🙂 I’m just this little kitten, who writes some blog and it’s all got carried away and now i’m (cue: Tabloid Titles:

‘..Making blogging cool again/ I’m the best thing to happen to Cyberland/ I’m the UK’s Carrie Bradshaw, / I’m Social media’s Newest IT Girl/ I’m an Sassy Inspiration..I’m everything, they say I am. 🙂 Honest!

So Nando’s ‘liking’ a Tweet, is GREAT (if you want to work with me 🙂 ) But until then…it’s kinda just a ‘like.’

Get it? Good!

Me: ‘You have three more trips to Nandos, three more posts, 3 more ‘likes’ and a Retweet until you get some Nandos attention. Let alone a flipping Black card dude.’

‘You have Black Cards to every glammy venue ever, but you don’t have a Nando’s Black Card..’

‘Yeah. They’re not going to give ME  one. People like David Beckham get them..Ed Sheran has one…I’m just this chick who writes a blog..’

‘We need one…’

‘Don’t put YOU needing a Nandos Black Card on ME. Lol. Okay, fine…let’s do Nandos every day.’

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He *beamed* with happiness….and as time flew and life went on…(I had a busy work day the next morning, so I had a lot to prep for), I waved ‘bye’ and he hung out of a window and shouted…

‘YOU DON’T MESS WITH A BROTHER AND HIS CHICKEN’

 

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