Bush Frolics & Secret Kisses

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So, not last night but the night before, I kissed a boy, in a bush… at around midnight. ๐Ÿ™‚ I haven’t kissed a guy in ages, so I’m not sure what i’m gonna go with, other than the fact that in that moment, I felt really ‘passionate,’ I felt really turned on and I wanted him to be mine.ย  Haha. (I cannot even believe, i’m writing this. ‘Firmonnell’ my chick best friend, who formed the group ‘No Boys, Just Dicks‘ the other evening, after we decided that all men were a waste of our delicious time, has found every inch of this story HILARIOUS.)

Firmonnell: ‘Wow. That sounds like a dick voice to me?’

Y’see! You can’t form a group with rules and then expect me to stick to them. I’m a rebel without a cause. Cupid likes to **** me over. The last rule, I was told to stick to, was one in LA, where myย  good friend DK challenged me to be celibate for a month. I lasted under 24 hours. And yes…again….that time HE pissed himself with laughter.

(Rule breaker. Love maker. ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

In fact, I got shoved into a bush twice, whilst having under the stars banter with Ginger Brad and J.D, outside The Carleton , Pontefract. I made a guy cry at a bench, as day turned to night. I nearly cried. I managed to also get pissed off and *blank* people, for hearing a ‘true story,’ that didn’t come from directly from the horses mouth. I was filled with passionate. Filled with sass. Northern Soul & Reggae Vibes, have been playing in the background and after many a toilet talk, with Katy P. (If we ever go to the toilet together, we need to discuss, gather, gossip or go mental.)ย We are independent chicks, that don’t wee together. If we go to the loo as ‘one’…then you should know that something is going down.

So yeah, on Sunday I felt lovely…Then I felt feisty. The afternoon before, my babies broke up from school…and I tinkered to feel some World Cup action. Pretty much felt like the only chick in a dress with boobies, immersed in a lovely drunken ‘sausage fest.’

To be fair. It was fun for the first few hours. I selfied. I giggled. I chattered with old friends, made new friends and everything in between. People were making do video calls with their mates, trying to feel me up every 2.3 seconds…and well Little Ollie tried to schedule sex for Sept 21st?

But ‘Football’s Coming Home‘ and all that. So in the name of fun and debauchery, it was alright. It was fine. I probably got hit on, every 3 steps, I took. I mean, the night was great. Will ended up dancing on tables. Little Sam Moore showed up and did his usual ‘Lady Boy’ pic. Then someone tried to set my nipple on on fire, so I *tapped* out and after stating…

‘I just need a wee..’

I legged it out the front entrance and went home.ย  I was done. It was tiring. It was sort of like being booked on an appearance…but without the jollies of a paycheck. Lol. Yet, i’m not bothered. It’s funny and well it certainly doesn’t do my ‘socials’ any harm.

THEN I got a shitty whatsapp message from someone who should absolutely be a great deal more understanding.ย 

Sunday was drama and when I pick boys, friends and everything in between….I need to always make sure, that all is at peace, well and stable. Meaning, I am a NO DRAMA ZONE. So, on Sunday I felt lots of things needed saying…so being me…

I SAID THEM…OUT LOUD.

(I might have even hair tossed a little… in anger. I just don’t like to hear things that I should know first, from other people.)ย 

Ended up kissing in a bush though didn’t I! I had bush foreplay. And to make it even worse…You’d think bushes were great hidey places, right? But no, not at all…because of course, a mutual friend walked by and saw everything.

‘Don’t worry! I haven’t seen anything! Haha.’

(The next day.)ย 

Katy P: ‘OMG! I’ve just heard. What was it like?’

Hahaha.

It was fun. I’d definitely do it again. ๐Ÿ™‚ I mean, gosh, you only live once, so you might as well make your story worthwhile. Well, that’s how i’ve accidentally made an entire living.

Everything just seems to have whizzed by…?

A few days ago, I was sat with Sheffield Greg, who was acting out the Yorkshire Version of ‘Ex On The Beach.’

Sheffield Greg: ‘I’d just sit there, with my 20 empty tins of lager around me and a pile of bricks.’

Lol. He said, he’d be sat on a deck chair, in his swimmers, with a 20 pack of Carling and a pile of bricks by his side. As his exes came of of the sea, he’d just lob bricks at them and tell them to *SWEAR HERE* and get back in the sea!

Hahahahaha.

The Yorkshire Version is so much more fun and BY FAR less ‘pansy.’

Then I did drinks with Ashleigh and Antony. Ashleigh introduced herself to Golfer Jonny, as a ‘raging homosexual,’ and Antony…Well let’s say Antony enjoyed my ‘HOSE DOWN’ post. He even gained me a leg stroke…and a ‘You’re Beautiful.’ (All leg strokes appreciated, now that i’m an oldie.) Unfortunately, I was waving at some other guy, mid leg stroke….which was hilarious.

‘Haha. How awful is that! I’m accidentally waving at some dude, as you’re leg stroking! Lol.’

We both just pissed ourselves.

The other day, I remember sending Firmonnell voice notes, because I knew if she heard my voice, she’d love me..and she did! I miss her madly. I can’t wait to see her again over booze. She’s just my perfect human. She’s irrepressible and nothing I do disturbs her. She adores me anyway! AND has no problem telling me!

Love you!!!!!!!

Katy P and Golfer Jonny, have pretty much spent the entire time being smitten. They’ve galloped ahead leaps and bounds and it’s just really great to see them both so happy.

I’ve been having a flirty old time. Yet..ofcourse and as always, there’s an ‘issue’ with my ‘flirty old time.’

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS AN ISSUE!?!

There’s been sudden smooches on patios, heated moments, smooches outside, leg feels, hand holds, little bits of all sorts….A good build up really, to a frolic in a bush.

I’ve kinda joked this off a bit, in the ‘write up,’ of it all because that’s what I do. Yet, it hasn’t really felt too jokey. It’s felt pretty real.

But, I’m just watching and waiting to see what occurs. Obviously, we’ve talked a lot about it. Obviously, everyone has there own version of events. Obviously, there have been faces of astonishment. Yet, I’ll see. When stuff occurs, I’ll either move appropriately or not at all.ย 

Anyway, i’m off now. I’ve been at Ackworth Garden Centre, doing Brunch with the babies all morning, teaching them how to Influence. Lol. All they kept doing was trying to kiss each other. ๐Ÿ™‚

But, hey, at least they weren’t in a bush.

‘I’m devastated by how unglamourous this all sounds…’

‘Does sound mad sketchy. Haha.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too Old To Party

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I’m on ‘Chill Monday’ but what a weekend. I haven’t even recovered from it, (I spent half of yesterday evening in a blue monster onesie, with no face on, my hair tied up in a messy knot, my Mum at mine watching xfactor, whilst I laid in bed dying of exhaustion and roughness.I’d been up and out all day with the babies, doing brunch with Keiran and lunching with my parents. Definitely felt ROUGH AS HELL. It killed me. Before i had a Desperado and realized that the ‘hair of the dog’ really does work.) This certainly signifiies that even though i am the queen of cocktailing and ultimate glamour pussing, this kitten is OLD and it seems that the art of ‘party party’ is really really different to the art of good old ‘cocktailing.’ I can sit with a ‘Handsome’ and sip down fruity on fire, with umbrellas, smoked or sparkled beverages in the fanciest of cocktail bars, all over the world…It’s an art form. It’s all ‘old school’ Hollywood or modern day, young glamour. But Holy ‘Fry My Mackerels!’ย I cannot for SHIT go out to a dancey drinks place, do ‘dancey all night’ and drinks all night’ until the early hours of the morning and feel okay afterward. One night. Three days recovery. AWFUL! It was still kinda fun though! ๐Ÿ™‚ I mean whilst i was there i was having a blur of a blast! A really good time. I’m fun loving, it was our works do, we were all meeting and greeting, downing gins, dancing with friends, spinning under dark purple, white room club lights and finding prosecco and free cocktails with every peek. Chatted lots. Had tons of fun. Hung out with the people who i pretty much hang out with every day Lol.ย Danced! Loved! Lived. Tried to sit down but everyone kept making me get up. (I’m old, I need a sit down. Hahah.) Then all of sudden it was like these boys came in from nowhere and this semi circle of gents, had formed…all dancing, all drinking and all around and in front of me? I’m not sure what happened…but they were all giving me the eye. So i’d dance with one and the one next to hi would get narked off. So i’d dance with him and the one next to him would then get narked off. Hahaha. It was like a weird mind game, that 30 something, single glamour pusses, don’t play? It was a budget, club version of ‘The Bachelorette.’ Except instead of it taking weeks to film, it would’ve taken fifteen minutes, because i just walked off and started hanging out with ‘Fairytale blond’ and ‘Firmonnell.’ (Who’s Mum drove us to the event. ๐Ÿ™‚ Her Mum was ace and said i looked like ‘Gladys Knight.’)

So the Christmas do was at Tiger Tiger Leeds. Not somewhere that I’d necessarily chose to go, yet for a works do, it was great and we had our own room. BUT OH MY GOD, my new PET PEEVE. IF YOU OWN A BAR, MANAGER A BAR, ARE IN CHARGE OF A BAR, please, please, please have toilet doors that firstly come with locks and secondly if they do come with locks, have locks THAT FUCKING WORK.

Nothing drove me more insane that the fact that i had to do two ‘sit down, stretchy arm’ wees at Tiger Tiger, in some fitted gold, glamourous dress, with everyone in the stalls next to me shouting,

‘Have you got Nat’s handbag??? Chrissie! Have you got Nat’s handbag??’

What i actually mean by a ‘sit down, stretchy arm’ wee is, a wee in a public loo, where in which you have to sit down on the toilet and stretch forward to hold the door closed, as you wee, filled with anxiety, incase someone walks in. NIGHTMARE. That doesn’t happen at The Dorchester. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Great night! Lots of fun! Took ages to get home. It was the busiest town in the world. My feet killed. Yet as soon as i got in and stripped down naked and crashed into bed, with my full face on.

Then i woke up bright and early and did Brunch with Junior, Ruby and Keiran at Ackworth Garden Centre. It’s a thing we do now and the kids love it there at Christmas. They can sit and eat scrambled eggs, around the most Christmas ever lol, with Paw Patrol characters and others… dancing around them. Then Pete showed up and took the babies to see Peppa Pig, who had appeared to greet the Christmas masses, as Keiran and I sipped green tea and discussed life. The ‘Dads’ had good banter. I had bought both Ruby and Junior these ‘built a plane in a tin’ kits. Yet, told each child that they had to go make it with their fathers. ๐Ÿ˜‰ (I don’t have the patience for stuff like that. HAHAHA.) The boys discussed, their plane building skills and pissed themselves laughing. Then i shot off to Doncaster to do lunch with my parents, as they did their Sunday with the babies.

I have today off work, so i’m trusting that i’ll be able to successfully champion ‘Chill Monday.’ I’m an ambitious,ย go getter. I can’t seem to just sit and chill and do nothing. And that’s wrong as you need balance. So today i’ve set myself a challenge of DOING NOTHING. I managed to ‘tick box’ it until about an hour ago. I just got bored. But it’s only because my body and more MIND isn’t used to it!

Even Ruby (who’s now off school) isn’t causing any drama. She’s just merrily playing by herself and filming her pretend Vlog.

I could do with a Bloody Mary.