And the merry rain poured last night. Nothing sounded more beautiful and that’s coming from a glamour puss who ADORES nothing more than the sunshine. However, I am glamourously completed by balance…so what was better than laying in bed, all silent, all dark, with the window slightly open…as you listened to the rain fall. DELICIOUS! It reminded me of the peace i get in the woods.
Then I went ‘fuck it’ because it all got too quiet, put my specs on, funneled back into my pyjama top and tip toed downstairs to blog and have snacks. (Midnight snacks are bad.)
I had an amazing night with the babies. They’re so happy right now and that alone makes me happy. I feel real lucky because when i’m down or if I have a case of the ‘da blues’ and for no reason…they cheer me up a treat, because unconditional love is all a human needs. I have that…always. I’m lucky. They give me a purpose.
Then i started thinking about my shitty love life and how annoyed I was that people think i should be able to find love so easily. I don’t and i don’t know why? I’m not even a rubbish girlfriend..even the boys that i’ve dated, who hate me will tell you that i’m not a bad girlfriend and probably one of the best people they’ve ever dated. Innit! But i’m realising, that finding my ‘forever’ is hard and it is the only thing in life that I CAN’T seem to conquer! I can do everything else so well…but not that! Now….i want it. And it’s rubbish because i’m happy, i enjoy being single, i’m not remotely a miserable wreck when i am…thank the lord…But when i feel like i want companionship, and contrary to popular belief, i’m not a chick to just find it for the sake of it, on a whim and just fling for kicks, at all…I’m too much of a romantic for that. I want to find my soul mate…and he’s somewhere. I might even know him already.
My first husband Mike…who i married in LA…was the boy that probably loved me the most. I’m very aware that in m lifetime, so far, i have never ever been with a boy who has, or will love me, show me love or treat me with as much respect as that guy did. No one has ever measured up to that. But that’s over…i left. It’s done by decades, yet the decent thing is that he set a standard of a how all women should be treated. (Keiran…if we didn’t fight…when he was good and I was good…was a pretty good husband, a really romantic husband. A great support. He was the closet I got to a Mike standard…yet his good was balanced out by ‘not so good.’ We were both nutty at that time. Lol. Thank God we grew up for Junior! We’re in a really good place now. And what i liked about Keiran is that he wasn’t just nicey nice…he was feisty. I’m the same way, so i won’t find a guy like that boring…ever.)
I’ve dated a lot, i’ve been in 20 serious relationships…the rest didn’t mean much. But i just know that somewhere, out there is a guy, who i actually cherish. that will adore me and love me…more than anyone has ever adored me on this planet. He’s somewhere and i’m waiting for him to just get on with it.
Like, last night, this guy that I don’t even know…sent me a snapchat of black screen and the words ‘hey’ in white lettering…nothing else, no picture…no nothing? I had and have no clue who is it at all…and i’m a busy girl, I’m an oldie…I don’t have time for that nonsense. i’m not 17 or lonely. I get that he’s trying to be cute and interesting, but it’s just not how i work at all. The more direct, honest, romantic and ‘get on with it’ you are…the better, with me. I don’t like little games..I like raw expression and emotion. So already…wrong route. But still very flattered, that he bothered. (Thannnk you. I’m just feisty today. 🙂 ) Yet in the whole if i’m honest, i just can’t be bothered to spread myself thinly and talk to a whole bunch of guys and not mean it. I don’t have the time. Plus, it goes against my nature. I’m a focused girl, with a a one track mind. I’m pretty controlled when it comes to my behaviour…more than you believe.
‘Chris from Happn’ messaged me last night. Haven’t heard from him in a few days…He’s been in London (where he resides) working. But he’s back in Leeds for work, in a shitty hotel (he says..lol) but on the whole he’s still easy to chat to and lovely to me. I used to live in London. I like a London boy. We’re kinda like friends who chat. He did once say that i was ‘out of his league’ but i’m not…he’s handsome…and i like the fact that he’s (and he’ll hate me for saying this,) but normal with his approach. Good guy. Sorry you’re having a shit time in Leeds. i will say that i do like that he likes m blog..as i hate it when boys do not like me blogging. They moan about it..yet know that I do it on a daily before they head on into Wunna land. Get with it.
Chittered to Cloughey briefly yesterday. Very briefly. But he seems down right now…because of something…which makes me sad, because if anything i want him to smile. His pics have got great though because he’s all dapper on them now…which as you know…I ADORE. I have this massively high opinion of Clough right now..because his soul is good…and he’s so smart. I have always said that he’s a good discovery. I remember when he once sent me a piece that he had written one evening…( i LOVED that…i adore creative people, or people who are talented in anyway…at well..anything.) It was such a wonderful piece of writing…it was remarkable, it was descriptive and sort of took you too another world…and it made me realise how great he was. I hope he’s okay and that whatever’s gone on, isn’t getting to him too much. I love him. He’s an amazing guy. Great, great find!
Lee the policeman is STILL on his honeymoon and it’s killing me simply because when i’m in this new transitional period lol…I NEED HIM. I need his brotherly love to hand walk me through it. He’s flipping swimming with turtles or whatever! After Friday, I won’t even get to see him……….But to be honest…i’m really glad that he’s happy. 🙂 🙂 🙂 He deserves to be. I hope that I know him forever. He makes such a great guy best friend!
Have I rambled on for ages???