Soda Stream can Kiss my Arse

I’m not being funny or anything, but why is everyone so excited about the ‘Soda Stream’ coming back into action? I mean, i thought they are rubbish the first time around, but apparently not! I’ve just watched the advert and there are security guards and innocent people being FORCED to bump and grind with delight, for a paycheck over the Soda stream rebirth. It’s RUBBISH! We don’t need it to come back!

If you don’t know what a Soda Stream machine is. Know that if you venture back in time to when i was a child…(and i’m a child of the 80’s-90’s) all it is, is a machine, where in which one pours this awful syrup substance, into a bottle of normal water and well it transforms that bottle of normal water, plus awful syrup concotion, into a fizzy drink. I mean whoop-dee-fricking-doo! It’s like George’s marvellous, but crap, medicine. We don’t care.

Fizzy drinks have actually already been invented! Why the hell do we need to find the joy out of making the *fizz* ourselves, when we can just pop to the shop and BUY a ready made cherry pop soda. They’re not even marketting it to kids, but to our whole entire NATION. Infact, i’m being a little too creative, when I say a ‘cherry pop’ soda flavour. They’ve gone with ‘Cola.’ WE CAN ALREADY BUY COKE. The good kind! (FIZZY POP FORM, POWDER FORM. DONE. IT’S done ALREADY!!) UGH!  

I mean, I don’t even like fizzy drinks. I’ll drink them when i’m hungover, or dehydrated, when there is no water in sight, for another delicious few pumps. But the only *fizz* i will ever try and make is only going to be when i’m completely out of booze, maybe dying and i immediately CHAMPAGNE. Then i would attempt some magical *fizz* making machine to create a fluid that will later kill me. But cherry pop soda, that tastes so artifical you could drip it into the plainest of girls and it would suddenly make her sprout silicone boobies, an orange tan, eyelashes and a human hair weave, alongside a trout pout…is a no go! #mustgetsome

You know, i’ll probably end up getting one, because i only hated mine as a child because my Mother (who’s not really too wonderful in the kitchen or with appliances) didn’t know how to work ours! She would get me all excited for the big *fizzing* event and it would all go wrong with a.. ‘oh i think it’s broken Chrissie. We’ll have to get you another one next week. Maybe you could sort of shake it up yourself and it’ll go all fizzy?’ I now despise Soda Streams.

I will tell you that a guy on Twitter called ‘GregoryAsthma‘ told me that he once bought a Soda Stream from a jumble sale for 20p, from a lady called Margaret. She apparently gave him extra gas to! That pretty much says it all for me. Haha. I once was offered a pair of used red undies from an old lady, who actually looked a bit like Janice Dickinson, but a bit more haggard in LA. She was doing a Kings Rd jumble sale and had a great deal of ‘once looked good’ surgery. It seemed like she might have even been married to a very rich man once, and if you pushed her she would turn to dust, as she fell. She also had a snarl, a viscious one and was selling off her prized posessions on a quiet Los Angeles street, by my house.

 You can’t sell used fucking panties for $1. You just can’t! Nor can you try and sell me a headless Barbie for $5…you money grabbing floozey. Lol. I just wanted to cuddle her. She just wanted me to die.

 Anyway, yeah…my childhood soda stream bottles (there had to be plenty because my Mother kept ballsing them all up) were used to hold tadpoles in, towards the end of their existance. I’d watch them swim and swim, then complain because it was taking them too long to turn into frogs. (Godammit!) God knows where i found tadpoles???  But my boy neigbour, who always looked a bit dodgey and rough, would always try to *squeeze* a hamster down the neck of the bottle, after he got done toilet tissueing the back of our house, out of jealously. Now i think about it, the hamster thing is fucking awful. (But don’t worry, i then attempted to shoot him with a potatoe pellet gun, whilst pretending it was real.)

Soda streams (until they can make champagne) can kiss my ****. (Unless ofcourse they offer me a deal where i am to advertise the product gleefulyl…which is an opportunity, I  have probably now, quite un-intelligently destroyed. 🙂 )

Have a Wunnaful Day!

Above is the work of the (carbonated) DEVIL!!!

Mmm…yum! READY MADE, store bought Vimto! Delicious!

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