Sex, spray tans and Broken bridges

Finally had my day of pamper, due to my ‘book drama’ stressio. All that about me being all brave and mighty..just forget. I’m back to panicked and stressed. I didn’t sleep a fricking wink, all night and even found myself accidentally frowning, without realizing! That’s HOW MANY wrinkles!?! Like i said to Wazza, i thought a mani/pedi, followed by a Fake Bake spray tan, would ease the *fuzz* in my head. All it did was make me stress in the perfect shade of mahogany. I’m actually far too dark…and that’s just the way i like it. I look like i’m black…with maybe a bit of asian in me. I could stand by cherry wood furniture and you’d struggle to find me..if i didn’t have this beautifully, annoying, screechy voice (not vagina) of pain. (‘Blah, blah, blah, ya ya yaaa. I’m Chrissie Wunna…look at me…blah blah.’) As you can see…i’m not in the greatest of moods. I’m in a mood that only rum can fix. However, obviously, i am unable to pirate guzzle rum right now, so therefore i must tend to being a stress head of a …what’s the word? Oh yeah…..BITCHEROO. (I’m currently enjoying and expressing my trust issues with @Wazza. We’re discussing, whether Pete loves me more than his ex.)

Last night was great…i’m totally wanting to breast feed the horny twosome known as ‘Jedward.’ I’m a cougar in training, and have milk laiden boobies. They’d make decent practice for my later years…and my upcoming bambino. I am turned on by their utter stupidity. Which i’m finding bizarre, because usually ‘stupid shit’ gnaws away at me. However, they remind me of silliness…and if i love anything…it’s good old fashioned silliness….sexually.

Got my nails done today, with a dollop of orange/red polish. I ADORE a good pedicure and well there’s nothing like a hot man from the orient, rubbing upon my tiny feet, as I relax back in my giant massage chair, drinking cups of tea. The lady owner of the salon loved me and made every moment a delicately lovely BIG FUSS, due to the fact that i was pregnant. I enjoy a big fuss over me…excpet, i’ve noticed that whenever people rub me these days…i immediately fall asleep. I’ll wake up and find my virginity gone, one of these days. *Pats her almost 4 month bump.*

Anyway the tiny asian hottie that ran the salon has given me hope. She was in a tight purple and pink tracksuit…that reminded me of russina gymnasts, that looked like it was fit for a 5 yr old. Yet the body on that woman was amazing. She had had TWO babies and was HALF the size of me. There’s life after pregnancy fat after all. I intend to be her. She then (and iwht a smile) told me to get more elasticated jeans.) ‘Hollywood nails’ in Ponty, is probably the BEST place i’ve ever been to get my nails done and simply because the service is not only sooo good, but the way they do your nails is almost PERFECT! Not a nik, not a *ouch*…but a cup of tea ot go with it. Fantastic place.

So my Fake bake spray tan appointment wasn’t until 3.15pm. I had a lot of time to kill, therefore after a corned beef, salad sandwich from Cooplands, i ventured into ‘The Broken Bridge’ in Ponty (it’s a pub it’s new and just like a Weatherspoons,) to hide for a while, until it was time to go shades darker.

I was soo bored, time never went so slow. I bought a lemon/limeade for 45p and then sat at table 40..a dark table that was central, however somehow away from everyone else and wrote on my napkin. It was filled to teh brim with chavs and O.A.P’s. That place bewteen the hours on 1.30pm-3pm is horrific. This is what i spied, whilst playing tug of war with *tick tock.* I was sooooo fucking bored, i could’ve eaten my own eyes out. When i’m bored i either just want to die, (oh how merry) or even worse…be naughty!

‘There is a muttering in the air that suggests a warm, family spirit. Yet not only hacve i never felt so ethnic, but I also feel like an outsider. I’m not like a single one of these ‘beings’ and i have no idea why?’ (Pete and I always joke about how it’s funny that we’re the only ethnic people in our village…and we date. I never really thought about race too much, until i met Pete. He’s very conscious of it. I’ve never had any trouble really. I mean, everyone loves a slanted eyed floozey, in diamonds.)

‘The Broken Bridge’ between the times that i have previously stated terrifies me. I didn’t knoe so many flat caped men in their 70’s drank and got pervy!! Topped all that of with chavtastics, (who i do find amusing, when thoroughly bored) and you have a Jeremy Kyle green room.

I mean, a lady walked by me, with blond Lady Gaga hair. She had the legs of a skinny Goddess, a skirt of the tight pencil variety ( a skirt shape that i absolutely adore this those hips bitches.) But then as i worked my way up to eyeline…i noticed that she had a face like a white wicked witch of the west. Y’know what i mean…all battered, smoked and pained..but thought she was the bees knees. She had a fringe that sort of acted like a hooide and the straightest bobbed hair in the world ever. (I’m one for the big Hollywood curls. Edgy ain’t my thing.)I don’t mind the thinking she was the bee’s knees thing, yet don’t be looking like me like i’m you’re evil arch enemy. I didn’t want to steal her fat boyfriend…i just wanted his pudding. ( I am pudding mad right now. It’s an awful craving, where i will have to lie and do the ‘i’m eating for two’ line, just to beable to EAT more and get sympathy.

Infront of me was a 50 year old man, in brown and glassed, who’s eyes were hungry for bum, everytime his wife went to the loo. Yet to my left was a drunk, baby blue, with pink & white striped lout…who was far too tighted into his Polo shirt that he looked like he was about to explode. he’d have a pint then have a go on the £20 jackpot slot machine. (Kill me.) In Vegas, that’s sexy. In Pontefract…it’s just upsetting really innit! His bird, had an phone that played that ‘feat. Katy Perry’ song, where they sing, ‘…L.O.V.E’s just another word i never learnt to pronounce.’ That was the only part to the song she liked…she kept replaying in every 4.2 seconds.

To my right, a fight was taking palce, consisting of a student waiter and a big scary chav, who was yelling ‘yeah have you got a death wish or summat!?!’ This was simply because the student waiter walked infront of him, as he was trying to carry a single pint of Guinness. (I’m reading my facebook messages at the same time as writing this and i totally miss Sammie and Mikey Kardashian. We need to go out…trashy style! This *eww factor* straight boy, is also again trying to hit on me via FB chat, by calling me a ‘stuck up bitch.’ He keeps mentioning my pussy and my  pregnancy in the same sentence…hence why i’m ignoring him. ONLY MY GAYS can do that Mister! Plus, you’re only going to get away with that if you’re a HOT straight and if i’m not hormonal.)

But yeah the minutes never went slower in that place..a place where the menu reads ‘Americano (Posh name for black coffee.)’ OH LORD HAVE MERCY!!!

Luckily i found myself 15mins later, anked, with a paper thong on, and a hair net, being insanely sprayed down by a hottie with Fake Bake’s deepest and darkest ‘ooh.’ Now i think about did actually make me feel better. I don’t know whether it was the nakedness that made me feel liberated from my inner kitty book stress…or the fact that i am now 10 shades browner? Either way something happened? Except i didn’t bother to take my makeup off, so the lady she spray tanned over the top of it. 🙂

I’m feeling soo exhausted right now, and just plain old boring knackered. Who knew pampering could be so draining? Yesterday i was blogging about how completely romantic my ‘handsome’ is..blah blah blah and how he adores me because i’m so smart and lovely and kind and delicious. At around 5pm-ish yesterday evening…he said he loves me because ‘the sex is so good.’ Typical really! Boys will always be boys…be they goood or be they bad. He didn’t even do a jokey laugh after he said it! He thoroughly meant it as his number one choice of reasons to love me. Yes the other options made the list…but that option was FIRST! Infact, he went into great detail about how it was the pure quality of the sex that….UGH…no wonder i’m preggo with the number of times i’ve been bent over things and rumpied. I think he put it to the top of his list because he hardly gets it from ‘frigid Preggo Chrissie,’ now. It’s like once every two weeks.  He must have had some really rubbish sex in his time…to ge so excited about my *yum yum.*(I enjoy my jab at people who have previously shagged him. 🙂 )

Got to go. I love Jedward. The book is drama and i think i want a Horlicks.

Wazza’s take on my love story with Pete (after i was being all insecure and ‘but what if he doesn’t love me’ (even though i know he does…moaney…)

‘Your thinking about it all wrong..

He splits up with his girlfriend…and then by pure crazy coincidence bumps into a girl he went to school with…who he actually fancied…

and she creepily fancied HIM even though he was a child!

Next thing you know… she’s preggo!

It’s destiny!’

( I love Wazza. Lol.)


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