Woke up at 5am this morning. I had to work. The unfortunate thing about waking up at 5am, on a morning that turns into Spring, is that it’s actually 4am. UGH! But a hookers got to do, what a bitch just won’t. (Makes no sense??) Anyway, did a freezing cold early morning shoot in Birmingham for a little something or other, and after 2 hours of posing and just getting the job done..(everyone knows to not talk to me that early in the morning…if i haven’t slept, proceed with caution…one minute i’m as quiet as a mouse, the next i’m yelling at you, like i have dynamite shoved up my ‘Goodness!!’)
Since i was in Birmingham, i thought i’d stop off at the Buddhist meditation temple. Sounds odd, but i do go on occasion and say a little prayer, catch a few blessings. God knows i need them! I spent most of the day surrounded by the Burmese and 10 very bald, orange robed buddhist monks. (Hilarious!) I gave each monk gifts of toothpaste, soap and moisturiser, which was quite difficult really, as they’re not allowed to touch ladies…(only slags. haha! Bad joke.) My friend thought it would be funny to push me into one. Yeah…it wasn’t! I ended up on my arse, heels in the air, after having to try and dodge a monk!
Not being funny or anything but i did have to do a lot of waiting…which i depsise. I’m not late for anything EVER. I can’t even bare the thought of it. I’m that bad!! Anyway, these monks were taking a jolly long time to cross my path (which i thought was a little inconsiderate) and ‘the Burmese’ around me were all elbows, cameras and Chanel sunglasses…so i found a random bench to sit on and started reading about prostitutes, hard lives and orgies going wrong. Not quite sure how an orgy could go wrong really?? Well unless you’ve hit the moment where you’re the ‘odd man out,’ the Billy no mates, with nothing to do but twiddle ya thumbs by the broken washing machine, whilst everyone else gets their jollies. Haha! Orgies are never as ‘Arabian nights’ fun as they are in the Carry-on series are they? The only ‘snake charmer’ you’ll find is some toothless fatty, who smells like semen, with an anchor tattooed on her arm, rubbing herself up to some guy named John. (They’re always called ‘John.’) I’m not a fan of the old ‘orgy.’ It’s hard enough pleasing one person (and that’s ME) let alone 10 others!!! It’s just a bit too messy and a bit too mucky for my liking. HAHAHA! How have i gone fromm buddhist monks to orgies??? I’m officially going to hell! (See you there bitches!) I’m also a germiphobe, so an orgy is somewhat devastating.
Anyway, the rest of the day, once the meditation part started was fantastic. I love buddhist temples as they’re always so warm and decorated like Vegas. It’s all gold, fusia and orange, with tinsel, candles and OTT-ness. My favourite! 10 monks chanted, and i sat and prayed. I do, do this quite often. People don’t know that about me. I’m quite a spritiual little thing….plus anything you can do to take 30 mintues out of work, gets a two thumbs up from me. I prayed next to a Burmese granny named ‘Mavis.’ She was 73, adored me and had this loving kindness, this warmth that made me want to hold her forever!! She was like a female George Takei with granny glasses and a fluffy hat. I am IN LOVE with her. I hope to god that i grow into her when i’m 73. Soo adorable. So gentle. Yet we all know, i’ll just be laying trollied in some gutter in leopard print, holding onto some cardboard award i won for tap dancing… claiming it was an Oscar!
I prayed. I am one with God. I’m a little concerned that the head monk, (who was in his bald head and orange robe,) was wearing navy blue slippers with Homer Simpson printed on them.. holding up a large pint of ‘Duff ‘beer. He went down the line blessing everyone….BUT ME!! He literally skipped me. Mavis got a little ‘ooh-arr,’ the next gentleman in line, recieved a few softly spoken words…HE (fucking) SKIPS ME…(hahahaha, like he daren’t come near me) and then puts his hand on the head of the old man next to me…and gives him the full works! I’ll go along way. Stardom better hurry up and get to beckonning. I don’t know how much longer i can take this!