Real, Raw, Organic and lesbos

‘I swear on my life. If you human beat box your love to me ONE MORE time, it’s over…!’ Said the little Glamour Puss, to a rather famous producer of hip hop one night on a lonely LA street, after he tried to kiss her by a wheely bin, sauced up on vodka redbulls. I’m never impressed by the human beat box. It doesn’t amaze me? So what? You can spritz bitty sounds out of your mouth, that comes out as spit. That’s not love, that’s a reach for my ‘anti-bacterial hand lotion.’ Disgusting! I had spikey spurts of red bull on my face. But that was 2006. So much has happened since then. (Shit, this pregnancy is making me lose my memory. I can tell whether it’s my age, my upcoming baby, or the fact that i’m tee-total? All of them terrify me.)

Anyway, i have a big work day today and i’m armed with a cuppa tea, perfectly served to me in a leopard print cup. I enjoy leopard print, it makes me feel safe. I even woke up with ideas bustling around my head and that’s great for me. I mean it’s been a long time. I do usually wake up around some sort of ‘head,’ but it’s always complaining and trying to dribble out it’s nonsense all over my sheets. (If sheets means vagina.)

Now that everythings gone up a gear…i am swept over with excitement, ooh laa and that glint of creativity that turns ‘normals’ into ‘stars.’

I’ve just had an early morning phone meeting with another country, about my work and my world and i’m finding it weirdly difficult simply because that particular country, that is my origin has turned me into some kind of flawless idol of perfection. Which is the exact opposite of what i am! But me, being a complete egotistical twat that i am…well…i just went with it, put on my crown and agreed. I mean ffs Wunna! I lied so much, that i could’ve actually burst! It was Greatness! (‘Do you actually have a real life Sumo Wrestler as your body guard?/ Yes. yes, i actually do! He’s really sweet!’) WTF?? I know, that question in the Uk or the USA would obviously be seen as humourous etc etc..But the country that interviewed me were dead serious! It was really hard being ridiculously sarcastic, thinking you’re really funny and then having no-one laugh because they didn’t get your joke. But whatever, i love the attention. It’s like a fun game that in years to come will end in a nervous breakdown. Yipppee!

I’m not a perfect person, but i am a work in progress. That’s the beauty of me having this blog. It’s the story of my life, as i go along. I’m learning along the way. So the things that i might think now, i probably won’t agree with in 4 years time? I mean i’ve developed so much since January, let alone January 2002.

 I come with ‘L’ plates and everything and that’s really nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes you can try to be so perfect that you lose your actual authenticity…your rawness. When i say raw, i don’t mean you have to have some tragically horrific tale to tell that makes you real..y’know organic. I just mean being able to celebrate who you really are openly and without a mask of fear! It took me ages to master such a craft. but i did and well I kinda had to do it tinsel town! Where you are pretty much fed to the wolves and they sure as hell like the meat of an innocent. I went there an innocent girl from Yorkshire and within 2 years, i had morphed into this glamour pusiing, wide eyed, boobied, pouting kitty cat! It was kinda of like survival. I started to learn the Hollywood way and learn their ways FAST, because it is a town that is unaccepting of anything but it’s own kind. I used the town to my advantage and a few months later, followed by a strong few years…i finally became ‘Chrissie Wunna’ (lucky me…) and everyone knew my name. They could hear my heels a strutting a mile off! The blog became a hit! My drink of choice at that time was a malibu pineapple. That’s all i need to remember.

The divorce brought this on (always blame the divorce) and not because i was so distressed on the inside of my pretty soul. The distress caused me to be a slag, not a success. 🙂 But because Michael never let me experience Hollywood the way i always wanted to. Infact, right now, i probably know it better than him!  I was very much ‘kept.’ Almost babied. It was all about him and HIS career. My job was to cheerlead HIM on and pretty much sacrifice my opportunity. He loved me, he was good to me…but if i ever wore a short skirt ….he’d go balistic. I think possesive is the term? I got bored. I felt unloved. I changed my life around and lived it the way i actually wanted to. If i didn’t do that, i would’nt  feel as successful as i do today..and i mean successful as a human being. (And kinda as a blogging, pouting, Glamour puss. 😉 )

I try not to play a character, but it’s hard! I mean, in order to retain your sanity, you need to have something that is your own. Something that separates you from your work. When you become your work…it pretty much takes a genius to muddle the ‘line’ of real and exaggerated! Yes, i milk the Glamour puss thing. But i am actually like that, more like that, than i am normal. (Lol.) I find it harder to just be a chica from Yorkshire, with a scrunchie in my hair, than i do a glamour puss. You can ask anyone i’ve dated, that has hung out with me away from the ‘yada yada.’ I stay glam, i love glam, and yes bitches…i am a puss! I just milk it because it’s playful and fun, a version of me…and well it’s the brand, i’ve chosen to go with. It represents what i stand for. I’m about showmanship, entertainment, a cheeky candid honesty and excitement. I’m about making you all realize how important YOU are and how important the gift of life is. I want you to make the most of it. It sounds cheesey, when i say it like that! But you get what i’m trying to ramble on about…You always do..(coz you’re drunks.)

I’m getting a *Flashback* of going into a steam room at Crunch Gym on Sunset in LA…where i used to work. I sauntered into the white walled room of steamy dark, towel wrapped and perky. I sat down, and slowly opened my towel, in order to get the whole steamy ooh laa. Then like a haunting whisper and coming from my left, i heard a deep voice of a female..who ended up being a 40 something, Thai business woman, who said, ‘You’re skin is like chocolate. I want to eat you.’ Great moment. I’ve never left a steam room faster.

Be hot!!

Wunna x

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.