Pretty Fly for a White Guy

God i feel like an awful human being today. Just a waste of fucking space. I’m quite chipper for a chick that got in at 4am this morning and woke up at 7am for no reason, but i’m just an exhausted whore of a floozy and never have i ever felt as old as i feel right now. My bones are even aching! Plus, i woke up with two of my kittens trying to fuck…which in itself is somewhat disturbing with them being brother and sister, (yes i’m running one big happy incestuous pool of a diddle).. like that wasn’t disgraceful enough…I woke up to them fucking…ON MY FACE.

I’m feeling a tad bit grumpy now i’m a paragraph in (LOL) and i’m feeling slightly bored with myself. I need male company. Someone to flirt with and feel up. Someone to cuddle and moan to. There’s nothing much to do in Yorkshire today except shove home grown veggies up ya ‘nu nu’ for kicks…and there’s only a few more times i’m gonna get away with using this cucumber before lunch. I really need to find somebody to love. NOT somebody to love ME…as that departments okay right now…just more someone i care enough about to play ‘Happily ever after with.’ You can tell i’m bored, as i’m wanting to hobby boys again. My career must be on it’s way down the plug hole. (Lol.) I’m ‘glug glugging’ it..yeah after a little nap and a coffee, i’m sure i’ll be right as rain once more. (Pass me my cucumber!)

Last night i went back out to The Coutning house with friends, for good old shits and giggles. It was actaully a pretty decent night, yet unfortunately i can’t tell you much about it because my memories were stolen by alcopops. I am trying to think, but all i remember is a cave like surrounding, music, cola cube drinks, a dim yellow/orange glow and being ‘Chrissie off ‘telly.’ I also remember being wedged in a cold, wooden cubby hole, with a door that had no window, an ‘Abbie’ and a ‘Harriet’ smoking cigarettes and talking about cocks. How we ride them, how we don’t and how we really wished we had them. I remember at some point doing the Wazza shuffle with a merry circle of others to the soothing sounds of ‘The Spanish Flea,’ and elbowing a fatty in a blue dress in the head by accident, mid-merriment, who was sat around a barrel whilst i was trying to dance to UB40. She hated me and wanted to fight me for a good 4 seconds. I don’t actually remember anything about her except she was a FAT WHORE of a CUNT!! If i elbow you in the head by accident, don’t blame me BLAME THE FUCKING boogie. If i do it on purpose THEN you can…well that would just be funny, so you’d just have to get over it really. I’m CHRISSIE OFF THE TELLY GODDAMIT!!! People were making me use my hands as a box around my face to see if i was really her.Good times!

You know you’ve had a decent knees up when at the end of the night your best mate is being hosed down with soda water by the owner of the pub, for sexually harassing the ‘service with a smile’ barmaid. They also squirted my black friend ‘Nii’…everyone kept telling me it was okay because his hair is waterproof. (Haha..a little bit of racism before lunch. Delicious!) I also remember some boy, i’ll name him ‘Gammy’ telling me he once found a dead crow on the street. (The same guy that once told me he puts his ‘knob’ in jam jars, cream cheese and half done Pot Noodles.) And instead of being normal and just leaving the crow there. ‘Gammy’ decides to tie a pretty rope around it’s neck, make it his pet and walk around with it in order to ‘get pussy.’ Haha! Apparently this is a common form of Tom Foolery in Pontefract. As soon as he had told me this merry story someone else told me tthat hey too had bought a ready made chicken from a grocery store, leashed it up and walked it around as a domestic pet! Brilliant!! (During this time there were a lot of requests for me to ‘rub my tits, or slap them.’) Yeah,  i’m moving up in this world baby!

The night ended back at a friends house because everywhere decided to shut early. As i left the pub, to venture to ‘friends house’ some Russian dude stopped me and told me i was the most beautiful woman he had ever met and would give anything to be with me. He then turned around and said the exact same thing to my friend…..who was a MAN. Lord help me! Something says i’m not in Hollywood anymore. Four ‘o clock this morning i’m in a taxi back to Badsworth, with my black friend ‘Nii’ who’s nothing but an Afro and a slurr by this time. Once he’s out he’s out! I fucking kicked him as hard as i could, and he still didn’t flinch. Anyway, during my journey…there’s silence and over the  taxi walkie talkie thing there’s a muffled voice that says, (whilst pissing  himself)  ‘Are you taking that girl home, with that stupid laugh!’

This is my life! I need more!

5 thoughts on “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”

  1. have a nother drink for hair of the dog that will sort u out i am pleased u had a good night out on the sAUCE WITH YOUR PALS BABE. i am here if u need a fridge chrissie u know my door is always open to u babe. i hope u have a mustard day and feel better soon treacle

  2. every night out needs a cock conversation. i am ashamed to admit the story about walking the tesco bought roast chicken was me :/ it was a slow day. hahahaha

  3. I Love a good cock conversation. Abi was Hardcore!! LOL Glad u owned up the roast chicken story…i couldn’t for the life of me remember who said it!! Ain’t no shame! haha

  4. at least i didn’t use a dead crow to try to chat up a girl like jake haha. i was rather shocked at abi. hilarious though.


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